Mind Your Language (1977–1986): Season 3, Episode 5 - Guilty or Not Guilty - full transcript

Enter.

Got yourself some coffee Miss Courtney.

I shan't be wanting it this morning. Thank you Gladys.
I have to be in court in half an hour.

Tennis court?

Magistrates.

Oh... My goodness. What have you done?

I haven't done anything. I am on the bench.
I am a JP (Justice of the peace)

Oh! Very nice. It needs you to see bits.

I beg your pardon?

Well, you know, like you read in the Sunday papers.
Husband finds wife in bed with lover.

No Gladys, just usual amount of
Football hooligans and Drunk and disorderly that sort of thing.



Enter.

Thank you, Gladys.

I've brought the stockroom keys back.

Well, you better hang on to them Sidney.
I shan't want them today.

She is in court.

Caught what?

Court.

Magistrates' Court.

Oh. Have you been nicked?

Nicked?

I've got a friend of mine to defend you and
if he can't get you off, he bungs a few quid to the JP.
Most of them are bent.

I am a JP.

Hahaha... I was only joking.

Well, I can only hope you were.



I'll see you two tomorrow.

Yeah well, don't be too hard on anyone, will you?
Remember, a person is innocent until he is proved guilty.

Yeah, well I have often thought that should be the other way around.

Oh you should know best.

Oh, I'd hate to come up before her.
Me neither.

With people like her on the bench
no wonder they demolish the death sentence.

Case number One has been put back until after lunch.

Oh, very well... Let's get on with it.

Court case number Two.

*Court case number Two*

Good heavens.

Miss Courtney, what are you doing here?

I am the Presiding Magistrates.

Oh blimey, we are being in luck.
We are bound to be getting off scotty free.

Silence in court.

I take you know these people Miss Courtney.
I most certainly do.

Are you sure you won't be prejudiced in their favor?

If I am prejudiced, it certainly wouldn't be in their favor.

Inspector. Isn't it a little unusual for the police to
bring so many defendants before the bench at one time.
The dock seems a little overloaded.

The case is rather unusual, Madam. They accused their acting individually.
Did in fact, commit the offenses collectively.

I see. What are the charges?

Miss Chung Su Lee and Mr Taro Nagazumi incited a riot.

I demand Dipromatic Immunity.
Silence. Carry on.

Mr Giovanni Cappelo and Miss Danielle Favre disturbing the peace.

Mr Ranjeet Singh and Mrs Jamila Ranjha causing an affray.

Please I am not understanding what he is meaning.

And I am no be understanding also Master J.

Well, he is reading out the charges.

You mean you have to pay for being here?

More than likely.

Will you please be quiet?
Sorry.

Mr Ali Nadim and Miss Anna Schmidt causing a public nuisance.

Mr Juan Cervantes and Mr Maximillian Papandrious assaulting a police officer.

Khe khassault hus first. (He assault us first)
Si, he hit my fist with his jaw.

Another remark like that, I should hold you in contempt.
Por favor?

Speak when you are spoken to, Juan.
Sorry, wrong number.

Carry on with the charges.
That's all.

What about Mr Brown?

Oh I'm not charged with anything.

What are you doing in the dock?

I've come here to speak on their behalf.

He's our mouth of this.
Sure, he's going to spring us.

You see Miss Courtney.
Stop!

You must come down onto the floor of the court
if you wish to address the bench.

Oh, right.

You see Miss Courtney.
Stop!

I am not Miss Courtney.

Hehehe... Funny.
She looks like Miss Courtney.

You can kindly address me as Your Honor.

Sorry Miss Courtney uhh... Your Honor.

But there are mitigating circumstances, I'm sure that when
you've heard what these students have to say, you will decide to act leniently.

We will see about that after we've heard the explanation.

Well it all happened last Friday evening after class.
As part of their homework, I decided to give the students various tasks
to perform, things to do, places to visit.

Su Lee and Taro, would you tell the court what happened in you case.
Take the stand, please.

Take the book in your right hand and read what's on the card.
Yes-o.

I swear by Almighty God-o that the evidence I shall give shall be the truth-o.
The whole truth nothing but the truth-o.

Take the book in your right hand.
No!

Are you saying that you are not going to tell the truth?

Republic of China do not berieve in Chlistian Lerigion.
(believe in Christian Religion)

What do you believe in?
Chairman Mao.

Very well.

Do you swear by Chairman Mao that the evidence you give shall be the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

In Democratic Republic of China there is no room for lies, truth is absolute, so say Chairman Mao.

I think we can accept that as an affirmation.
Proceed.

Task Mr Brown allocate to Taro and me is visit speaker's corner in Hyde Park to observe all letters.

I state you again, Ladies and Gentlemen.

Do not be deceived by assurances of a so-called change of attitude in China.

They are still governed by dictators.
People are still oppressed.

Rubbish.
It is not rubbish.

China is still an aggressive nation.

It is Western Imperialists, who are aggressive.
China is still a free democracy.

No, you're talking rubbish.
You are.

If you don't like it over here, get back to where you came from.

Don't speak like that to my friend-o.

You are an ignorant capitalist, you are.

Now calm down.

If you wasn't a lady, I would thump you.

I have news for you.

I am no lady.

You see, it was particular act of self-defense.
Not our fault-o.

You may stand down.
Who's next?

Mr Giovanni Cappelo and Miss Favre.

Take the book in your right hand and read what's on the card.

Not likely.

I do not swear on a Protestant Bible.
We are Catholics.

I swear by the pope.

Give him a Catholic Bible.

Okey cokey.

I promise I am going to tell all of the truth.

Me too.

Carry on.

Your Honor.
It's a like a this...

Mr Brown ask us to visit television studios to see how television programs are made.

Oi.
Yes?

Where'd you think you're going?

We go to have a look around.

You're not allowed in here without a pass.

But I am sure you can look the other way.

Rules are made to be broken, no?

Not for me.
But it's for our homework.

Sorry.

Hey... What's that down there?
Where... Come on.

Hey!

What do we do now?
We have a look around.

Don't worry. Nobody's gonna find us here.
Wait! Santa Maria.

Quick! In here.

Good afternoon and welcome to another edition of World of Sport...

Hey... scusi

But which way do we go?

Do you mind I'm on air...

Hey I have seen you some place before.

You look like that Davies Dickie.
That is Davies you spaghetti.

Oh that's right.

Look I am Dickie Davies and I am trying to do a program.

I am very sorry about that but when the program is live
anything can happen.

As I was saying...
Hey David, can I have your autograph please?

Thank you very much. Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen and welcome.

My first guest tonight is going across the Atlantic, especially to be with us. I think...

Scusi.

Hey, I know you. It's Michael Parkington!

No, it's not. It's Eamonn Andrews!

Oh my God.

It's Mr Brown's fault, not mine.

Your Honor, I rest-a my bag.

No, no, no, Giovanni, you rest your case!

Okey cokey, I rest-a my bag and-a my case!

Silence!
And there's far too much liberty in this court room.

We will now take a short break.
And when we come back, I should hope for a little more respect.

Otherwise the court will be clear.

Can we have the next defendants please?

Mr Singh and Mrs Ranjha.

What do you swear on?

No swear. It's against my religion.
He is being mean swear on Holy book.

Thousand apologies. I'm swearing by the Guru Granth Sahib.

May Guru Granth Sahib... *talking in Punjabi language*

No, I'm be swear by almighty God.

I am be swear to tell the obsolete truth, and nothing but the obsolete truth.

Carry on.

Master J is ask us for a hommy work
to be take boat on River Thames and we comply.

*Playing Messing About on the River - Josh Macrae*

Well it's very simple. It's forward to go forward
and backward to go backward.

What about if you want to go sideways?

I think I am being sea sick.

You really wanna hire this boat?
Most definitely.

All right.
Switch on.

Don't put it in gear until I tell you.

Help... Help...

You are crashing up the boat.

Oh please to be getting out of the way.

Look out!

*Continue playing Messing About on the River - Josh Macrae*

Stop it.
*Continue playing Messing About on the River - Josh Macrae*

*Continue playing Messing About on the River - Josh Macrae*

It's a wonder the boat didn't sink.
It did.

Stand down.

Who's next?

Mr Cervantes and Mr Maximillian.

Take the book in your right hand and read what's on the card.

Por favor?

We tell the truth...
Si si.

I tell you what happened.

No, no, I tell.
No, no, no, no, no, I speak good better English.

No, I speak better English than you speak better English.

*Talking in Greek and Spanish*

Tell the court what happened Mr Cervantes.

Si senora.

Mr Brown, he tell us to go and see the works wax.
Wax works.

She says, I tell, not you.

Hokay.

So we go to Madame Tussauds.

Hey! I tell you what to do.
You take the photo of me with the British Royal family.

Hokay.
Which way we go?

We ask.

Where we find Royal family?
We want the Queen.

Hey! What's the matter? You deaf?

He is a wax man.

Looks like a real man.

Hey look, here is another man.
He don't look very nice.

He looks like a dumb.
How they get this mustache?

I grew it.

He's a speaking dummy.

Can I help you gentlemen?

Hey, you are a real man.
Yes.

Including the mustache.

We are looking for the Royal family.

Hey, I am going to have the picture taken with the Queen.

Arm in arm.

Members of the Public are not allowed to touch the exhibits.

Hey, s'all right. We not tell nobody.

Thank you very much. Unfortunately you are too late.
We are about to close.

You will find the exit that way.

We better go.
No.

I want the picture with the Queen and Prince Phillip.
We go... that way.

Ah, here they are.
I go front, you take pictures.

Okay but be quick.

S'all right.
Watch the birdie.

I'll just checking here.

Come on, you two.

That's all.
It's quite enough.

You may stand down.

Mr Nadim and Miss Schmidt.

I swear by Almighty God that the evidence I shall give shall be the truth.
The whole truth and nothing but the truth.

And what about you?
Oh blimey.

I am also swearing but by the Holy Quran.

*Talking in Pakistan's language*

Oh, yes.

Proceed, please.
Jelly good.

Mr Brown told us to be visiting the zoo.

We saw all the animals and on the way out
Ali decided he wanted to ride on the elephant.

*Playing Goin' to the Zoo - Tom Paxton"

Squeeze me please. We are wanting to have a ride on elephant.

Hot Cheese.

Would you like a hotty dog?

What?

You were saying your cheese is hot.
So I'm offering you my hotty dog.

Are you trying to be funny?

Why don't we start again?

We would like to ride on the elephant.

Well you can't.
Why not?

You are not allowed on the elephant without a keeper.

We are wanting to be riding on elephant not the keeper.

When will he be back?

I have no idea.

You go for keeper?

No, I go for a pint.

*Continue playing Goin' to the Zoo - Tom Paxton*

Hello, hello. Oh, it is an Indian elephant.

How do you know that?

Because its bigger head and longer nose.

Oh blimey, it is ... my hotty dog.

What are you doing?

We are going to be riding on elephant.

No, we wait for keeper.

Don't worry. I know everything about elephant.

Please be getting up.
It may be dangerous.

Oh no, Indian elephants are most peaceful people.

We are only going to be sitting.

Climb, please.

Jelly good.
Common Ali.

Do you know how to ride?

Oh yes. When I was being a little boy in Delhi
I used to ride elephant.

To be going on left side, you are pulling left ear.

To be going on the right wards, you're pulling right ear.

And to be stopping, you're pulling both ears.

What about starting?

To be starting, you bang on head.

Oh blimey.

Help!

*Continue playing Goin' to the Zoo - Tom Paxton*

What happened to the elephant?

It went for a bath in the lake.
Unfortunately we are still sitting on it.

You may stand down.

Mr Brown, have you anything to say before I give judgment?

Yes Miss Courtney... Ah yes Your Honor.

I beg the court to show clemency in this case.

These poor unfortunate people are guests in our country.

They have journeyed from their native lands
to our shores to learn our mother tounge.

Why?

Because they admire our English way of life with its long tradition of
hospitality, free speech, justice and above of all fair play.

They have committed no offense in their eyes.
They were merely carrying out their duties as they saw them.

Well everybody has to look at them to see that they are not criminals.

I'm sure the court will find them innocent.

If anyone is guilty, it is I.

Thank you Petrocelli.

Well, having regard your impassioned, plea for Mercy.

The court tends to agree with your remarks.

The accused are more misguided than mischievous.

Therefore the court finds the defendants not guilty.

However, the court agrees with Mr Brown, that if anyone is guilty, he is.

To have sent out these poor unfortunate students on such full hearty errands is highly irresponsible.

Which is a pity that the court cannot punish you.

But be warned Mr Brown. If you ever come before this bench again
for whatever reason, you will be severely dealt with.

The court will adjourn.

Thank you Mr Brown.

Hey Professori, wanna come for a drink?

Oh no, thanks, I'm driving.

Is this your car sir?

Yes.

Having trouble with your memory, are you sir?

Pardon?

Your road tax disc was run out sir.

Ah, well I'm sure I've applied for it.

What's going on, he caught for drugs?

Another tax dodger, madam.

Really?

Well while you're at it, why don't you check his nights and his tires?
How about his insurance?

I should be sitting again tomorrow.