Mind Your Language (1977–1986): Season 3, Episode 1 - I Belong to Glasgow - full transcript

Mr Brown takes in a new student, a feisty Scotsman who speaks in dialect - and is the bodyguard of a very rich Arabian emir. However, the Scot turns out to be more than anybody can handle.

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Oh, Sid

What is that?

It is a bird

Come on, I would
see an elephant.

Don't be stupid Sid you
see an elephant in a cage.

I think he makes the joke.

What sort of bird is it anyway?

A cocofree.

Beg your pardon.

A cocofree.



Cocotree?

Hey, you are coco two man

He is a cokelyto.

Cokely to? Oh you mean
it is a parrot.

That is right yea

Oh what you gonna call
this parrot then?

As the original?

Ah Gladys, that is you how
we want to see.

Ah what events you are after,
forget it.

No no, look, we just bought a bird,
and we wanna leave it with you.

And you wanna cook it?

Cook it? It is a new pet.

I have the right to know, people
leave anything these days.

You just want you to look after
it until we finish class, ok?



Yes alright, put it on the counter.

Enter.

Thank you, lady ship.

Good evening, Sidney.

Hello, Mr. Brown.

How was the weekend?

Lousy.

Got the mother in law
to the movies.

Oh, and how is the old
mother in law?

She is never forgive me for marring
her daughter, not ever forgive.

For that letting these.

That is not right, you know
the only one thing

stop me of putting her
in the gas oven?

- What was that?
- She can't go in.

Oh Sid, don't be upset, remember
when you feel thing can't be worse

they can only get better.

Is that true, I buy a
bottle sometimes.

Ah, good evening Danielle.

Ah bonsoir, Mr. Brown.
You are just the man I am wanting

Me?

Yes, can you help me?

I will do my best.

I have the big problems.

Yea I am afraid I can't do
much about those

Not that problem.

Oh sorry.

My life is a mess up.

Is she? I mean is it?

What sort of mess up?

I tell you, last month
I met this boy.

Ah, an affair of the heart

This boy Pierre he keeps
writing to me.

Is he a foreigner?

- No he is French.
- I mean to me he is.

Never mind, go.

- Henry has found the letters.
- Oh, a lot of mess.

- I don't like jealouse man.
- Pierre?

Oh Henry?

Marcel, he works with
Henri at the consulate.

I am sorry I am a bit confused, who is
Marcel's jealouse of, Pierre or Henry?

Emile.

I don't understand.

That is another thing,
he keeps telephoning me.

Who?
Pierre, Henry, Marcel or Emile?

Jean Paul.

I am very safety in numbers
but this is ridiculous.

They are all after
one thing, my body.

- That is all they are after.
- Yeah.

Why don't you try
to discourage them.

Oh no, I like it.

I see Pierre Monday,
Henry Tuesday,

Marcel Wednesdays,
Emile Thursdays,

And Jean Paul on Fridays,
that is my problem.

What is?

My Saturdays and Sundays
are so dull.

Good evening, Anna.

Are you busy?

No, just finished.

Good, I have a grosso problem.

Oh no not another one. Who is
it Hans, Karl, Vlhim or Adolph?

No, it is my homework.

Oh, sorry.

Your question is asking what is the
correct address for members of parliament.

Yes.

I don't know any member
of the parliament.

The question means how do
you address them

what you call them indeed.

Ah I don't know that either

Right, on your own book.

Good, you want me to write
on the black board.

I didn't mean WRITE,
but RIGHT.

Help me, please!

Open that door,
you funny chicken!

Ali, what is going on?

It is Rangi.

What is the matter with him?

Oh blame me, he has got oranges.

Yes please. - You mean bananas!
- If you not open this door I'll break it down!

Ali, unlock the door.

O no, I am not unlocking the door.

- If you don't unlock it I will I am.
- I've warned you, now I am coming in.

What is the mean of this?

The meaning is some dumb fool,

he is opening the door,
when just as I am targeting it

Mr. Brown opened the door!

Thousand apologizes.

Come on here, Ali.
What is all this about?

That bothering is calling me
a hairy goat.

Is this true, Ali?

Yes, please.

But his infidel is calling me
the son of a crosseyed camel.

No, I am calling you an
illegitimate son of a crosseyed camel.

- That is not good enough. - You are
meaning to call him something worse.

I don't want anybody calling
anybody, anything.

Whatever your differences are,
you leave them outside of the classroom.

Now sit down, the two of you.

Ah Taro.

Did you have a good weekend?

Ah I spend a weekend reading
book by Charles Dickens.

Ah, which book are you readingo?

Which book are you reading?

Oliver Twister.

Do you understand
most of the words?

I understando all wordso.

Are you reading in old English?

No old English words in my booko.

Ah, it must be a revised edition.

No no, Japanese edition.

It was too good to be true.

Good evening Mr. Brown.

Still knitting knot way?

Oh no, I am finished cardigan.

What I meant, is you
misunderstood what was saying.

And you are be misunderstood
what I am be knit.

Let us forget the whole thing.

Good evening.

Not good for me.

What is the matter?

I have lost my little red book.

Oh good, I mean bad luck.

I looked everywhere,
but I am not finding it.

Does this mean you won't be treating as
the twenty honorable Chairman quotations?

Oh no, I know quotations by heart,
Chairman Mao, he said: In every thought

On no!

- Ciao, everybody.
- You are late.

- Sorry boss, we had things to do.
- That's right, we just got a fantastic bird.

Really?
Is this bird has a name?

Sure, Polly.

Umm, if you check the word,
as Polly is not a bird.

Okey-cokey.

She is going to be a very
good company for us at night.

Us, what you mean us?

Oh we are going to share her.

One night she is with me,
another night is with Max.

I don't like to hear anymore.

Why, you don't like birds?

Well, let's say I don't
like sharing it.

Hey, I fix something for you, you give
a fiver you go and get you a bird.

Sure!

What color you want?

What color is yours?

- Mostly red with the blue neck,
- And green legs.

Ah, the penny is dropped.

Where?

Polly is a parrot.

Well sir, what do you thing
she is, an elephant?

Sit down.

What about the penny?

Juan, you are late.

Never mind "por favor".

You should have been here
five minutes ago.

Why? what happened?

Quiet, quiet!

?Silencio!

- Thank you.
- S'alright.

Why are you late?

I tell you, my boss where I work,
he tell me about the horse

who is going to win the big race
tomorrow, very clever horse, talking.

Juan, horses don't talk.

S?, se?or, he told me he get the tips
straight from the horse's mouth.

That is a racing term.

S'alright, then he tell me to bit
on my shirt on the horse

- You didn't?
- No.

Oh thank goodness for that.

My shirt wouldn't fit the horse.

Silence!

- I bit ten pounds to win on the horse.
- Juan, ten pounds is a lot of money.

You could lose.

No lose, tomorrow I will be
plenty rich: "Muchas pesetas".

There is no things of certainty.

S? se?or, my horse should win.

How do you know?

I tell you, Big race
starts at two o'clock, s'alright?

Bookmaker, he told me,
my horse starts at 10 to one.

All this is nuts, your horse will start
at 2 o'clock just as all the race.

He tried to cheat me?
I go to punch his face!

Juan sit down, it' time
for all to start work.

I will just take the absentees
to Miss Courtney,

then I'll have a look to your homework.

Enter.

Oh, Miss Courtney, there are
two absentees tonight.

Ingrid and Zoltan.

I've listened about your
Hungarian student.

- Is he sick?
- No. He's going back to Hungary.

Enter.

Excuse me, Miss Courtney?

Yes, what do you want?

I am Sheikh el Hamed, and I am
interested in your English classes.

Oh I wonder why are you saying so,
your English is very good.

Thank you, it is comforting to know that
my years at Oxford were not wasted.

I would like my chauffer to
join to your class.

I am afraid that it is quiet impossible.

It is mid term and students
are not permitted

to start half way through a course.

- Rules are rules. - I am sure
you could make an exception

for a little donation of a
two thousand pounds?

This is adulation to us. This is an
educational establishment,

you can't expect us to band the
rules just because you

dropped two grand on the
table, tell him Miss Courtney.

Well of course he can.
Where is chauffeur now?

Outside.

Will you come in now?

But he is white.

People usually are from Glasgow.

He is Scott's!

- But of course. - Why do you
want us to teach him English?

Because I can't understand
a word of what he says.

Right, Jack?

I know enough, I don't why
you don't understand.

You understand, don't you?

Hello, can I help you?

I think the whole idea is ridiculous.

I am suppose to teach
English for foreign students.

He sounds like a foreign student.

Would not be far simpler
for you to get another chauffer?

No, I could not do that.

You see, Jack's father gave his life
defending my father during the war.

I feel I owe him my living.

Well in that case why don't
make him very happy

and give him a job in your
home or something?

Don't be stupid, Mr. Brown.

I wonder if you mind waiting
outside for a moment,

until Mr. Brown and I
discuss this matter privately.

Not at all.

The door, Mr. Brown.

Now listen to me Mr. Brown. You are
a teacher of English and it is your job

to teach English no matter the
nationality your students have to be.

Well I can't--

Do not interrupt!

Now remember that the Arabs
are extremely wealthy.

Who knows what are the benefits
they maybe spend upon us.

Yesterday I was reading in the newspaper
about an Arab who was so pleased with

the service of his hotel that he presented
to the manager a Rolls Royce.

We are running a hotel, Miss Courtney,

money isn't important
nor is the... Rolls Royce?

Yes.

I suppose I can give a try.

Good. Look upon it as a challenge.

I will do my best.

I wonder if you can join me for
a cup of tea in the office.

And then later on I will
show you around the school.

How very kind of you.

I am glad you hang up, I will try
to teach you to speak English.

I am not exactly jumping
for joying myself.

Tower of Babel, don't you have better
to do then shouting to each other?

Sure! Hey we go for a cup of tea.

That is a good idea.

I don't mean such things,
sit down, be quiet

and pay attention.

Right. Better to sit there
next to Anna.

What is your name?

Well put down this joke.

Well as you can see we
have new student.

Oh blame me! What language
is he speaking?

Believe it or not it is English.

If that is English, what language
is that we are learning?

Mr. McGregor is
speaking in dialect.

I thought you said he was
speaking English.

- Well, English with a dialect.
- Hey, I know all about them dialects.

You do?

Sure I have seen him on TV,
Dr. Who and the dialects.

No, that's Dalects.

A dialect is a formal speech
particular to certain areas.

Tell them where you are from

What is jock?

- Master please, I know what is jock.
- Good, would you mind to tell us all?

- A jock is the funny story.
- Jamilah that's a joke.

Mr. McGregor is from Scotland
which is a part from Great Britain.

Great Britain is comprised of
England, Ireland, Scotland and... Wales.

No.

- What do you mean no?
- Not whales in England. Whales in the sea.

I am talking about Wales the country!

I am not quit sure what to do
with you for the moment.

You are not going anywhere.

Sit down, and as start
concentrate at your dictionary.

First you have to repeat
after me: The fat black cat

sat on the mat.

No no, let's take it separate.

The

Fat

Not faa! Fat!

Black

Cat

Sat

On the

The

mat

Good, now try the whole thing.

You have to sit down
and listen while

I am going finish the
rest of the lesson

What are you doing?

Certainly not!

I don't like drinking in the classroom.

No drinking and no smoking.

As I said I hope you recall,
I asked each to write a

preface on the your various believes.

I hope it is done. Su-Lee, would
you like to read it at high voice?

What I believe.
First I am not believe in religion.

Excuse me, the subject is what you believe
not what you don't believe.

Firstly it is necessary to make a break
on what interact in your thoughts and stand.

While building house it is
necessary to make firm foundations.

Excuse me please. I am not
understanding something.

I'm not understanding a word
what she's talking talking about.

Sure Ali, Su-Lee does well
attempt to dialect the verbs.

Oh blame me, now I am not
understanding what you are saying.

Point taken, now sit down,
Ali thank you.

Go ahead, and this time
stick right to the point.

I believe every one is equal.
I believe in Chairman Mao.

I believe in the dictation of proletarian
and suppression of capitalist.

Oh rubbish!

Rubbish?
Western work corrupt and evil!

Don't you dare,
it is the destination!

Stop and keep
your remarks to yourself.

Excuse please!

Not polite to insult lady,
please apologize to her.

Put up your fist up!

- Sit down.
- I' must be satisfied.

You will be satisfied after
class, sit down.

And as for you I'll be obligue
to keep quiet.

Thank you,
I will read your essay later.

- Would you like to read us your essay?
- S'alright.

What I believe by Juan Cervantes,
"para servirle", so far so good, eh?

- Yes come on get on with.
- S'alright.

I believe in one God, and I
believe in Jesus Christ...

Jesus Christ,
was the first roman catholic...

- He was Jewish!
- Por favor?

He is trying to make a point
about Christ was Jewish.

- He was a Jewish!
- I punch in your head!

- Ok, who is first?
- Sit down.

I am furious!
Sit down.

Any more interruption from you,
out you go!

- I go on, s'alright? - No, Juan your
believe is as controversial as Su-Lee's.

Doesn't matter, sit down.

- We will try you, Ranjeet - I am
believing that all men are being born equal

I have warned you!

What is he telling me?

He is calling you jolly jeopardy.

I will give you a banjo final!

You can all go to the tea place.

As for you, you can just go.

- Just go.
- Where is everybody going?

- Tea place.
- Well do it quietly.

Ah Miss Courtney, I am sorry
I am afraid I can't do it.

- Can't do what?
- Teach the Scottish.

He is a disrupting influence
in the class.

Mr. Brown I am afraid
that you must.

I have invited the sheikh to
be at the board of governance.

He has promised to give
us a new school board.

Forgive me,
I could help over hearing.

Is this some sort of problem?

- No.
- Yes!

He is rude, abrupt
and extremely unpleasant!

- And you can keep your own voice.
- You are an extraordinary man

You better wait in the car.

That is the pity. I was looking
forward to meet your board governors.

And so you should.

But now the circumstances
have changed

It doesn't make a change, the objective
of the exercise remains the same.

Now forgive me if I am wrong,
but as far as I am understand it

you wish to be able to converse
with your Scottish chauffeur.

Yes, but I can't see how that
can be achieved now.

Every problem has its solution.

- And that is? - He does as
I tell him or he gets for sock.

Come one everybody,
sit down quickly.

I'll should be taking you
for the rest of the lesson.

What happened to Mr. Brown?

Mr. Brown is in my office doing
some private tutions.