Milo Murphy's Law (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Going the Extra Milo/Sunny Side Up - full transcript

¶¶

What's that all about?

Oh! You're new here.

I've got a bit
of a reputation.

So, what are you?
A tough guy?

Oh, I don't think
anyone's ever
called me tough.

I'm Milo.
I'm Zack.

BOY: No, Zack.
(SOFTLY)
No, no, no, no.

So what exactly
is this reputation?

Well, people have used
the "J" word,
but you know what they say,

"Sticks and stones can damage
your vital organs



"so always wear body armor."
(ARMOR THUDDING)

Hi, Milo.
Hi, Melissa.

I'm just gonna
stand back here.
Good call.

So, Milo, how was
your weekend?

Eventful.
Yeah, I'll bet.

I got a new scar.
Wanna see?
Sure.

Okay.
(CAMERA CLICKS)

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Oh, cool.
That's a good one.
I know, right?

All right, seriously, dude,
what's going on here?
What do you mean?

I mean, what is all of this?
And what is the "J" word?

(SOFTLY) Well, I don't
like to say it out loud.

(CRASHING)

Ah, it's one of those
heavy-duty bungees they use



to tie stuff down
in construction sites.

Hey, where did you get the...
(RUMBLING)

(SCREAMING)

I bet my pudding pack
we don't see them
again today.

I'll take that action.

Really?
Yeah, are you kidding?
Milo's tough.

As a matter of fact,
I'll see your pudding pack

and raise you
a snickerdoodle.

Or are you just all talk?

(CHUCKLES) She just
called you out!
Whoa.

(SCREAMS) Wait,
why aren't you screaming?

I find it doesn't help.
Just hurts the larynx.

Hand me that bungee
and you better hang on
to my backpack.

Wait.
(SCREAMS)

ZACK: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

That bungee
was definitely defective.

(BARKING)

No, Diogee, go home.
Silly dog.

He's not supposed to be
in the street.
(SCREAMS)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You might want to
slide over this way
a little.

(BOTH GRUNT)

The "J" word wouldn't happen
to be "jinx", would it?

¶ Look at that sun
Look at that sky

¶ Look at my sweater vest
I look so fly

¶ Look at that mailbox
Look at that tree

¶ It's about as beautiful
as it can be

¶ Whoa

¶ Today is gonna
be exceptional

¶ Never boring
even for a minute

¶ It's my world
and we're all livin' in it

¶ Whoa, whoa

¶ Never boring
even for a minute

¶ It's my world
and we're all livin' in it ¶

(DIOGEE BARKS)

So, Melissa, what's up
with your boy?

I can almost taste
that snickerdoodle now.

Oh, yeah? You wanna
make it more interesting?

What are you guys
talking about?

Melissa's betting that
Milo's gonna make it
to school and on time.

I'm in.
What's happened so far?

Concrete drainage pipe
chased him down a hill.

I got some
vegan cheese sticks

that says we don't see them
till after lunch.

I got gummy licorice.

All right, all right.
Let me get my notepad.

No, no, no, no!
Wait, wait!

(GROANS)
Oh, man.

I'm gonna miss my first day
at a new school.

My parents are gonna
flip out.

Don't worry.
My dad always says,

"What doesn't kill you
only makes you late
for school."

So I don't think
we're gonna miss
the whole day.

(BARKING)

No, Diogee, run home.
I'm going to school.

Plus, if we catch the bus
at the next stop,
we may not even be late.

I've got the bus route
marked on my GP... S.

It must have gotten wet
when we fell in the mud.

But fear not, I've got
a backup right here.

Paper map!
Old school.

(SCREECHING)
Huh. Oh, don't worry.
I remember the way.

This has happened before.

This has happened before?
This exact thing?

We'll beat them
to the next stop.

We just have to go
through the rock quarry.

Rock quarry, sure.

What could possibly go wrong?

Sorry, boys.
There's been a little
oil spill, as you can see.

It's been quite a mess,
so nobody's getting
through today.

I think we can still
make it across.

I brought galoshes.
I didn't.

I've got an extra pair
and they're hazmat rated
for a level 4 biohazard.

I don't think...
Here's a certificate
from the EPA.

What are you
a nine, nine and a half?

Well, it's notarized
so I suppose if you...
(BIRD CHIRPING)

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

(SCREECHING)

Maybe we should
go through the woods.

ALL: Whoa!

Look, they're safe!
They're cutting through
Coyote Woods.

Coyote Woods? What exactly
is your definition of safe?

Go, Milo!

So do you even know
where we are?

Oh, yeah. The fire's
dried out my phone.

We are right in the middle
of Coyote Woods.

Wait, Coyote Woods?
(WHIMPERS)

I've got a thing
about coyotes.

They're like big dogs
that are dangerous to pet.

Oh, don't worry.
There's no coyotes here.

There aren't?
No.

Actually, the woods were
named after actor
Peter Coyote.

Really?
Yeah. He donated
all this land to the city

as a wolf preserve.
(WOLF HOWLING)

You get how
that's not better, right?

(SCREAMING)

Don't worry.
Wolves love peanut butter.

(GROWLING)

(SCREAMS)

(BARKING)

Follow me.

(ALL BARKING)

You know, wolves barely
ever attack humans.

Is that true?
Oh, yeah.

Bees are responsible
for many more fatalities
than wolves every year.

(BEES BUZZING)

Hey! We're out
of the woods.

What do you mean?
We're outside the fence.
Just jump.

(HIVE THUDS)

Wow! That was
incredibly lucky.

The way the day's been going,
I was pretty sure
it was gonna...

(HOWLING)
(BEES BUZZING)

(GRUNTS)

(WOLF HOWLING)

(ZACK SCREAMS)

Are you guys seeing this?

Yeah, why is that wolf
wearing a turban?

Double or nothing.
Who's in?

How many fatalities
are blamed on wolves
and bees together?

Well, we would be
the first.

Whoa!

(WOLF HOWLING IN DISTANCE)

Here you go.
These will help us
navigate in the dark.

Dude, if and when
we get out of here,

I'm gonna have
to go my own way.

No offense. I just can't
handle all of this.

All of what?
(CHITTERING)

This cyclone of calamity
that follows you
everywhere you go.

How do you live like this?

How do you live
like that?
What do you mean?

I mean, you wanna live
like those other kids?

They took a bus to
school today. A bus!

Does that seem like
more fun to you?

Hmm, all right.
Where to next?

Well, there's a loose grate
up over here to the left.
I've been here before.

Of course you have.

All right, I guess
we turn the water back on.

You know,
we're missing one of
those heavy-duty bungees

that we tie
stuff down with?

And also a section
of one of that concrete
drainage pipe.

Huh? (GRUNTS)

(ZACK YELLING)

Hey, Milo,
is that a new scar?

Yeah, thanks for noticing.

Okay, Chelsea's in
for a pack of chips.

Sid's up to two
pudding packs.

I like that confidence, Sid,
but you're going down.

Mort's down for
cheese sticks and an apple,

and Bradley
is the big spender

with a whole
vacuum-sealed lunch pack,

which I can cover,
but I'll have to
bring it tomorrow.

(GASPS) Look!

There they are!
Oh, man. They're gonna
beat us to school.

Never mind, there they go.

Anyone wanna
up the ante?

I wish we had a way
to steer this thing to shore.

We don't need to. Look!
The Maple Street bridge!

Here, I'll give you
a boost.

(GROWLS)

(SCREAMS)
(DIOGEE BARKS)

(SIGHS)

(BARKS)
Excellent, Diogee.

Good boy. Here you go,
but I do need you
to go home, okay?

Go home.

He's not supposed to be
in the river.

(GASPS)

(SCREAMS)
(TIRES SCREECHING)

(CREAKING)

You know, I don't know if
it's the adrenaline talking,

but I'm starting to feel
like we can handle anything
that comes our way.

Well, maybe not anything.

Ninety seconds to the bell.
There is no way
he's making it.

(SCOFFS) If you're so sure,
it's not too late to sweeten
the pot.

Done. Three jawbreakers
and some vitamin C tablets.

What? It's cold
and flu season.

(SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE)

(WHIRRING)

You know, they are
from out of town.

Maybe they don't even realize
they're inconveniencing us.

Uh, guys? Guys?
Um, I realize you've come
a long way,

but we really need
to get to school.

Well, Melissa,
start passing out the loot.

(BELL RINGING)

Phew! Made it all
in one piece.

Of course the wolves
got my lunch.

Mine got crushed
at the bus stop.
Guess we're going hungry.

Don't worry, I got
you two covered.

GIRL: Here you go.
BOY: Here you go.

Ooh, look!
A vitamin C tablet.

What? It's cold
and flu season.

¶ It's my world
and we're all livin' in it ¶

The train to
the Museum of Natural History
should be here any...

Forty-one seconds.

Forty-one seconds
from now, apparently.

I'm really looking forward
to seeing some paleontology,
archeology...

All the ologies, really.

Milo, you're an ology
unto yourself.

Oh! Forgot my
student discount.

(BEEPS)
Thanks, Amanda.

Melissa, is there ever
a time you haven't
forgotten something?

Yeah, February 30th
or 31st... I forget.

Neither of those
are dates.

I'll be giving a tour for
anyone who's not going
to be at the "Milo Show".

Bradley, I don't have
a performance planned.

Sure, you say that now,
but then one geyser comes
through the floor,

and suddenly, Milo's
the center of attention.

Oops! I'm stuck.

Cue geyser.
(ALL LAUGHING)

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Interesting tidbit about
the Museum of Natural History,
it was...

Shh! We're watching Milo
in the turnstile.

It's like he's on
Cirque du Subway.

(YELLS)

Should we wait
for the next one?

Nah, he's got it.
In three, two, one...

(YELLING)

This floor is a lot cleaner
than I expected.

MAN: (ON PA) Next stop,
the Museum of Natural History.

So, this is the subway?
You've never been on it?

It's dark and dirty
and full of weird smells.

That was their
ad campaign last year.

(WIND HOWLING IN DISTANCE)

Hey, you guys
ever hear about
those mole people?

(NERVOUSLY) No.
The urban legend?

A subspecies of
humanish creatures

roaming the tunnels
searching for prey.

Maybe we'll meet some.

Rather meet them aboveground.

Then they wouldn't be
mole people, they'd be...

People.

(THUDDING)
Does it usually do this?

Well, sometimes.
When the coupling's loose.

ZACK: The coupling's loose?
What does that even mean?

I better put on
my seat belt.

How's that going to work?

Easy, you insert the tab
into the buckle

until you hear a click.
Like this.

(BOTH GRUNT)

Oh, I get it now.

I would've had extras,
but you know,
the llama incident.

And so, that's when
the planetarium removed
Pluto from the cosmo show.

Man, Pluto has
to be a planet.

An astrologer told me
it's in my fourth house.

No, Pluto...
(THUDDING)

The other car came off!
Milo's in there.

Of course he is.

So, that's what a runaway
train car looks like.

I'll be honest,
I'm a little disappointed.

(ZACK YELLING)

(RUMBLING)
(SCREAMING)

Well, at least
we're aboveground.
(CHUCKLES)

(YELLING)

(ZACK AND MELISSA YELLING)

(BATS SCREECHING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

MILO: And then to unbuckle it,
you press down this button.
(CLICKS)

(EXHALES)
Locked. How can these
be locked?

Does it usually do this?

(GRUNTS) The windows
don't open either.

What is the point
of a window
that doesn't open?

It provides work
for window washers

and glass installation
professionals.

And the ceiling.
Is there usually a ceiling?

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Zack, are you
by chance claustro...

Not claustrophobic.
Just claustro-avoidant.

I avoid enclosed places
when possible.

Probably not possible
right now.

It's better
if I'm distracted.

Okay, wait.

Not helping.
How about this?

(ACCORDION PLAYING)

Now I'm distracted.
Have you been carrying
that the whole time?

I try to pack
for any eventuality.

Now let's see about
getting those doors open.

Ah, here we go.

Okay, next time,
key first,
tap dancing later.

This is amazing.

Look! A fossil!

Chicken wing.
Circa 1993.

See? Nothing can live
under here!
Not even chickens.

Could be worse.
How?

Mysterious underground
creatures?

I guess
that would be worse.

No, mysterious underground
creatures are coming
towards us.

Silver lining,
things can live down here.

MAN: Someone hit
the lights.
(CLICKS)

Well, I'll be honest.
I'm a little disappointed.

Young people
from the overland.

You shall be
our leaders!

No, no, we have a leader.
It's Dave.
'Sup?

It's a democratic
hierarchical society.

Wait a minute.
Who are you guys?

We live below.
The call us the "Belownies."

No, they don't, Scott.
We voted on this.

"Belownies" sounds like
a lunch meat.

We're called
the Undergrounders.

I am the wise healer
among my peoples.

He is a pipe fitter.

Where are we?

We call our world
Subterranus.

(SOFTLY)
Terranus, terranus...

That one's true.
He just wanted it
so badly.

I wore them down.

So, where you kids headed?

Class trip to the museum.
I helped organize it.

He shall be our leader.

How long have you
been down here?

Since the before times.

Uh, about a month,
actually.

We were building
an extension on this line
but we got lost,

so we figured
we'd better establish
a new civilization.

Wow! You established
a new civilization
in a month?

You'd be surprised
how much you can
get done

when you're not
constantly setting up
and moving orange cones.

I shall be the leader!

Seriously, Scott.

So, you've got agriculture,
art, rudimentary government...

Licorice, somehow.

You're actually
going to eat that?

I'm trying to
distract myself from
the walls moving in on us.

I wonder what part of
the chicken is this?

The rat part.

Granola bars?

Oh. He bears
the sweet manna of
the overland!

Oh, no thanks.
I just had some "chicken"
and kinda lost my appetite.

(SNIFFING)
Diogee? What are you
doing here?

Please be rescuing us.

The floppy-eared one
shall be our leader.

Weren't you allergic
to dogs?

Right, you know what?
Yeah, yeah, I actually am.

Wait, Diogee, our leader.

We are not starting
our own civilization.

They taste worse
than they smell.

Diogee always knows
the way home.

Diogee, go home!

(ALL CHEERING)

MAN: I enjoy running.

(GRUNTS)

(RUMBLING)

(BOTH YELLING)

No! Melissa! Milo!

ZACK: Are you guys okay?

Yeah, we're okay,
if you call being
buried alive okay.

I see light pass
this one rock.
Maybe if we can move...

(GRUNTS) No, no,
it won't budge.

Don't worry. I've got
my backpack right...

What was that?

Hmm. Well, okay,
maybe you can worry
a little bit.

(GASPS) Oh, dear.
13, 14, 15...

Oh! I could swear
we had 18 kids.

Can you read
my writing?

Is that a five or an eight?

Any minute now,
Milo is going to show up

and everybody is
going to be like,

"Oh, Milo, tell us
about your adventure."

But until then,
I'm having my best day ever.

Mort, do you really need
more rose quartz?

If you understood
its properties,

you wouldn't
be asking me that.

Okay, here's the plan.

Someone crawl though
and jimmy out that rock
from the front.

I don't think
any of us can fit.

I can fit, I think.

But, Zack,
you're claustro-avoidant.

Are you sure
you wanna do this?

No, I'm sure I don't
wanna do it.

But you guys need me.
MAN: Good luck, kid.

SCOTT: It was nice
knowing you.

Hey, that was my flashlight.
MAN: Scott...

SCOTT: But he's gonna
use up the batteries.

Is there another flashlight
in there?
SCOTT: See?

My backup "backup"
got crushed.

I can barely see.

Not much to see,
just kind of a tiny
enclosed suffocating...

You know what? Never mind.

You can do this.

Think of how you faced
down wolves and survived
an alien abduction.

And that's just
since we've met.

I'm sure you did
lots of stuff before that.

Nope, never did anything.

What if this rock is all
that's holding this up?

Don't worry. I'm sure
it'll all work out.

How do you know?

Because it has so far.
Relatively speaking.

Okay, on three.

One, two, three!

It's clear! Yeah!
Yeah!

See? I told you
it would hold.

Well, it held long enough.

You totally saved us.

He shall be our leader.

BOTH: Yeah,
he shall.
Thanks, guys.

I am impressed, kid.

I would've just let them
start a new society in there.

Hey, where's Diogee?
(BARKS)

ALL: Diogee!
(BARKS)

You know, we have no idea
where these tracks go.

I'm sure it'll all
work out.

You're sure?
He uses
that term loosely.

MILO: Uh-oh.

I got this.

Ooh.

Or not.

(ALL SCREAMING)

Oh, we survived.

Uh-oh.
Maybe not.

SCOTT: Oh, come on.

Yeah, I guess,
maybe if you squint,
it could be a five.

(STUDENTS EXCLAIMING)

Nope, it was an eight.
(CHUCKLES)

Milo, tell us about
your adventure.

And we're back.

What will you guys
do now?

There is no place
in your world for us now.

Then you can stay, Scott.

Me, I'm gonna go check
my DVR.

I've got a month of
the Doctor Zone Files
to catch up on.

Oh, that means
you missed it
when the trash...

No spoilers.

(ALL SAYING GOODBYE)

I shall return
to Subterranus.

(SOFTLY)
Terranus, terranus...

And you will be
my leader.

Oh, sorry, I'm trapped
in a rib cage right now.

Interesting tidbit,
stegosaurus ribs are...

Never mind.
(CACKLING)

He saw something in me.

Whatever he saw,
he also saw it in a dog.

(IMITATING SCOTT)
The floppy eared one
will be our leader.

(BARKS)

¶ We're all livin' in it

¶ Go, Milo
Go, Milo, go

¶ Oh, thanks, everybody
That is so motivational

¶ Go, Milo
Go, Milo, go

¶ Whoa

¶ Whoa

¶ I'm not sitting here
watching the world turn

¶ You know I'd rather spin it