Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 6, Episode 12 - Curse of the Bambino - full transcript

Previously on Mike & Molly...

You guys did very well.

I think you're perfect
candidates for adoption.

- Oh, that's great.
- (sighs)

Thank you so much.

So, the next thing for us to do
is schedule a home visit.

Whose home?

Yeah, we are totally committed

to creating a healthy
and safe environment

- for this child.
- Yeah.

I promise you, we will
take good care of it.



(crib door slides)

I appreciate you being
so thorough and open.

Most couples hoping to adopt
aren't as forthcoming.

So, about your living situation.

- We live alone.
- Just the two of us.

Why do we have to take
new holiday photos

for the adoption agency?

I mean, I look fantastic
in these old ones.

Because we have to show
expectant mothers that,

if they pick us,
that their child will be raised

in a safe
and wholesome environment.

What's not wholesome here?

Wine glass.

Shot glass.



Beer bong.

Bong bong.

Okay, all right,
let's make some memories, people.

Victoria, hold the branch up.
Mike, grab an ornament.

Mom.

Get a shot of us decorating
the Christmas tree.

Got it!

Okay, next.
Lose the sweater!

Okay, we got to celebrate
two birthdays,

we got to carve some pumpkins,

we got to pose for
that Fourth of July picture

in front of the neighbor's pool
before they get home.

Are we doing Halloween now or do
I have time to run to Costco?

♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

All right, what number
did you give the agency?

I gave them everyone's number.

Uh, my phone, your phone,
the house phone, the work phone.

Everything except Victoria's
dealer and Vince's bookie.

Maybe they hated
our photo album, huh?

Oh, God... I never should have
included that old-timey picture

we did at Six Flags.

Now I bet they think
we're really wanted.

Sweetie, it's only been a week.

The last thing they said was,
"Be patient,

these things take time."

What the hell kind
of advice is that

to give to an expectant parent?

(chuckles) Mol, a real baby
takes nine months.

The least we could do
is give them two weeks.

Two weeks?
(gasps)

I thought you wanted a baby.

Okay, if you're not all in,
tell me now

because I will
raise it on my own.

Take it easy, okay?

We're both on
the same side here.

Then why aren't you
all crazy like me?

Because I leave the house.

You're in this cage all day

pacing around like
that cross-eyed zebra at the zoo

we sneak marshmallows to.

Poor little Stewart,
he don't see right.

What do you say

we get the hell out of
here and take a walk.

(sighs) You're right.
I'm sorry I'm acting like this.

I'm not. Just shows
how much you want this

and what a good mom
you're gonna be.

(breathes deeply)

Fresh air.

Blue sky.
What a day.

(sighs) All right.
I'm good.

No, you don't.
No, no, no.

Come on, we should at least
make it down to the sidewalk.

(phone ringing inside)

Did you bring the house key?

Me? No, you're the one
who dragged me out here.

I was happy inside.

What are we supposed to do now?

I don't know. All I know is
our baby is calling

on the other side of that door.

(phone ringing)

Don't hang up!

Don't hang up!
Don't hang up!

(groans)

(panting): Hello? Hello?

No, Vince, we do not
need anything from Costco.

Ten years on the job.

I never had to kick in
a door until it was my own.

Does that ankle
look swollen to you?

They both do.

But I'm guessing
it's water retention.

Yeah, I think it's
all that salt you eat.

Not in the mood, Carl.

Hey, listen, we both
have to watch our sodium.

Look how fat my fingers are.

Can't even wear my thumb ring.

Get out.

It's just this whole baby thing
has got us on edge, you know?

I'm trying to be
strong for Molly,

but I'm going
just as nuts as she is.

Well, you know
what I always say.

It'll happen...

when it happens.

Really?

Is that when it happens, Carl?

When it happens?

Well, not with that attitude.

Look, you don't know
what we're going through.

It's like slow torture waiting
for that phone to ring.

All right.

I can see that this
is tearing you apart,

and I know you don't
want to hear this, but...

I think you may need to
talk to a professional.

Like a therapist?

No, better.

My psychic.

Get out of here.

I'm telling you, man,
Madame Vianne is the real deal.

She knows all, she sees all.

And she's a life coach.

And if you need anything
notarized, bring that, too.

(whirring)

(continues whirring)

What's all that racket?

Oh, that?
Don't worry.

After a half hour,
you won't even notice it.

How was brunch?

It was good.
I had the poached salmon Benedict.

What?

I had the poached
salmon Benedict!

Have you ever had it with crab?!

- What?!
- What?!

This is ridiculous.

We'll talk later!

What?!

Molly!

- (waxer turns off)
- Molly.

What the hell are you doing?

Waxing the floors.

Why?

'Cause I'm trying to stay busy

in this cage
before my eyes go wonky.

What?

I'm just trying to take
my mind off of stuff.

Have you tried meditation?

Or getting real drunk?

So when the adoption agency
calls, I'm gonna be blotto?

- (doorbell rings)
- Is that what you want?

I can see my reflection.

You're gonna have to start
wearing underwear in here.

Why? I'm just as waxed
as this floor.

(doorbell continues ringing)

Don't worry, Vince,
I'll get the door.

All right, I figured
you want to keep busy.

Is there a baby yet?

Yeah, Peggy.

Meet your grandchild.
He's right there on the couch.

This whole adoption process
is ridiculous.

You know, if you
were a celebrity,

this house would be swimming
in Third World babies.

Well, if you're open to that,
I know a guy

who can get his hands
on just about anything.

Got me the socks Saddam Hussein
was wearing when they hung him.

Get out of here.

No, I'm serious.

I got the certificate of
authenticity and everything.

No, get out of here.

Get out of here.

Get out of here!

God, do you ever want
to just kill somebody?

Everybody.
All the time.

You know, I wouldn't say this
in front of Mike,

but I'm starting to think
this is not gonna happen.

Of course it's gonna happen.

You don't know that.

Yes, I do, 'cause I got faith.

Which is exactly what you need.

Grab your coat,
you're coming with me.

- Where?
- I'm taking you to my friend's house.

My buddy God
and his little boy Jesus.

Oh, I-I appreciate
what you're doing,

but, uh, I'm not really
tight with those guys.

Well, I am.

I've done a lot of
dirty work for our Lord.

It's time for him to pay up.

And bring your mother
and sister, too.

You'll look better in his eyes
if they're next to you.

Makes sense.
I mean...

I get that.

You know what?
Mom? Victoria?

We're going to church!

Please tell me that's
the name of a new club.

No, it's the real deal.

It's for the baby.

I'll put on underwear.

I feel a little
nervous being here.

I've done some sinful
things in my life.

I've done sinful things
in the last two hours.

I know, Mom.
We have thin walls.

It doesn't matter.
That's the beauty of religion.

You can do all sorts
of unnatural acts

and come in here and...
(clicks tongue)

clean-slate it.

God is forgiving.

Not the God I pray to.

You want forgiveness?

Go to the hippie Lutheran joint
down the street.

The God that lives here
is angry and vengeful.

Well, then is he really
the one to help us?

Vince has got a guy who can get
us a baby and a 60-inch plasma.

No, this is gonna work.

You just got to do

exactly as I say.

Here.
A St. William Medal.

Patron Saint of adoption.

Are you seriously telling
me that if I wear that,

I'm gonna get a baby?

Don't be ridiculous,
it's not magic.

You got to wear it
for a few days, spit on it,

and bury it in the backyard.

Then you get a baby.

Oh, yeah,
that makes sense. Yeah.

Anything we can do?

A rain dance?
Jump in a volcano?

You want to jump in a volcano,
I'm not going to stop you.

Peggy, it's real sweet
of you to try to help,

but I don't think Molly is,
like, really going to...

Bup-bup-bup-bup.
Okay.

How many days, how much spit,

and how deep do I have
to bury it?

I can't believe you
dragged me to this place.

Just relax, okay?
We're gonna hear what she says,

and if you don't like it,
we'll leave.

That sounds like the same thing
you said when you tricked me

into going to
that time-share thing.

Man, we had to stay
until the first break

or we wouldn't have got
the rolling suitcases.

Hello, Carl.

I see you brought a friend.

Ah, I told you she was good.

Uh, Mike, this is Madame Vianne.

Madame Vianne, my best friend
and spiritual brother,

Mike Biggs.

Nice to meet you.

But, just to be clear, uh,
I-I didn't want to come.

Oh, I sensed that.

- Mm, very intuitive.
- Shut up.

But you wouldn't have
come at all

unless you were
looking for answers.

True.

I sense there's a hole

and you're waiting for
something to fill it.

Something you fear
will never come.

Mm-hmm.

And it's not just affecting you,

it's affecting someone
you love very much.

Mm-hmm.

And if this hole is filled,

it will make the two of you
happier than you've ever been.

(shakily): Mm-hmm.

Didn't I tell you she was good?

(high-pitched): Mm-hmm.

(sighs)

Look, I'm just
gonna be straight.

I, uh, I just jumped
on your bandwagon

this afternoon,
but you know that and...

Had my issues with you
in the past: the...

the wars and the diseases.

I mean, come on, the Cubs.

But I think we can
put all that aside

and just kind of
get Mama a baby.

Amen. Please and...
thank you. Yes.

- What are you doing?
- What?

- Are you praying?
- No.

Well, yeah, praying
that I find the earring

that I dro...
Oh, you know what?

It's right there.
Last place you ever look.

Right in the old... ear.
How was your day?

Good, good, good.
Yours?

Good.

Great.

Excellent.

- Did you talk to Jesus today?
- What?

About fixing the front door?

(Spanish pronunciation):
Oh, Jesus.

- Yeah.
- Uh...

No, I-I didn't
hear back from him.

Well, it's like I always said,

"It'll happen when it happens."

- So true.
- Yeah.

It's in his hands now.

May he be guided
by the oracle of light.

- What?
- What?

Nothing, sweetie.

- Good night.
- Okay.

Good night.

Are you as big of
a mess as I am?

Worse.

(sighs) That makes me
feel so much better.

- Night.
- Good night.

Any word from
the adoption agency?

No, but now I got
a $60 rock in my pocket

that Madame Vianne says

is supposed to attract
positive energy.

(blows raspberry)

Okay, first of all...

- (glass clinks)
- it's not a rock.

It's a amethyst, okay?

And secondly, you're
supposed to be carrying it

on your left side.

(chuckles) It ain't no opal.
What are you thinking?

I feel like a fool.

You are not a fool.

You're just a man
who wants a baby

and you're gonna do whatever it
takes to make that happen.

Even if it means listening
to some crazy gypsy.

Gypsy?

No, she's from Toronto.

Wait, Madame Vianne?
That charlatan?

(sucks lips) Any amateur
magician could do what she does.

Oh, you just got
sour grapes 'cause

she said you'll
never get married.

No.

She didn't say "never,"
she said "not in this lifetime."

Same as when I asked her out.

What do you suppose
she meant when she said

I would never receive a new love
until I let go of an old love?

Don't you even think
of getting rid of me.

Why not?
We had a good run.

Hey, you've never had
a good run.

Okay.

See?
I can be hurtful, too.

Yeah, I just don't get it.

Molly and I have done everything
to get ready for this baby.

We, uh, we got a crib,
a nursery, a Diaper Genie.

I just... I went out and bought

the safest car seat
on the market.

Mm. Well, good luck
wedging it into the backseat

of that muscle car.

(scoffs) I've ridden back there.

Never been more cramped.

And I was smuggled into
this country in an oil drum.

(laughs)

Look, quit trashing
the Challenger.

It's a Hemi V-8
with a Scat Pack.

470 horses under the hood.

Might not be
a practical family car,

but it's my baby and I love it.

(groans)

Knows all.
Sees all.

Okay, we need to go
at least two feet deep.

Then we bury St. William
and we don't dig him up

until he gives us a child.

Are you sure this is
sanctioned by the Church?

Well, anything goes
with that new Pope,

but, you know,
they bury St. Joseph

when they want
to sell their house,

so this just makes sense.

Yeah, yeah, it kind of does.

It feels right.

Uh, two feet exactly,

or who knows what
we're gonna conjure up.

It's my first grandchild,

I don't need it
to have cloven feet.

I think you might be
more baby crazy than I am.

- Oh, maybe I am.
- (softly): Yeah.

I worked two jobs while
I was raising Mikey.

He was usually asleep
before I got home.

Couldn't even be there
to cook him a decent meal.

Half the time he'd fix himself
a bowl of cereal for dinner.

Well, I mean, you were
a single mom.

Plus, he loves cereal.

I just want another run at it
is all.

I may not have been
the perfect mother,

but... I'll tell you this:

I'm gonna be
the best damn grandma.

I don't doubt that.

You shouldn't be so hard
on yourself, Peggy.

I mean, you raised a good man.

He's loving

and kind and level-headed and...

(car horn honks)

Mike, what is this?
Where is the Challenger?

Don't worry, there's
a logical explanation.

Carl's psychic convinced me
to trade it in

so we can get a baby.

You realize
that sounds ridiculous.

Are we digging this hole or not?

We'll talk later.
Your mom and I

are burying a saint
in the backyard.

That's how you get a baby.

Well, what are you
talking to me for?

- Get to digging!
- All right.

Oh, here.
Toss in this magic rock.

Can't hurt to hedge our bets.

Hey, Ma.
Come check out the minivan.

It's got 19 cup holders.

Right when I spit in the hole,

that's when I knew
I'd gone off the deep end.

(both chuckle)

No, I went to Carl's psychic.

Carl's psychic.

- Sit with that for a second.
- (chuckles)

We have got to stop
acting like lunatics.

Agreed.
Nothing we're gonna do

is going to make this baby
happen any sooner.

We've done all we can.
All we can do now is wait.

Actually there is
something we can do.

We can get out of this house
and away from that damn phone.

Great idea.

All right, want to hit
a drive-through,

and have dinner
and a movie in the van?

Does that have a DVD player?

I have never been
more in love with you.

(both chuckling)

(phone ringing)

That's got to be a telemarketer.

Well, whoever it is,
they can leave a message,

'cause I've got a date with
my man in the back of a van.

WOMAN: This message is
for Mike Biggs and Molly Flynn.

It's Isabelle
from the adoption center.

Congratulations. We have
a mother who has selected you

as the adoptive parents
of her baby.

Uh, my number is 312...

Don't hang up!
Don't hang up!

Don't hang up!