Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 5, Episode 4 - Gone Cheatin - full transcript

I can't helping thinking
I'd be a better fisherman

with a longer, stiffer rod.

Yeah, yeah, I heard it, too.

Well, I, for one, am
a grower, not a shower.

Personally, I'm looking forward

to getting away from my old lady.

Ever since Mother changed
her thyroid medicine,

she's been a real stinker.

Why do we let him come again?

Just because we don't
know why Harry's our friend

doesn't mean he isn't our friend.



It might not be wise to start
analyzing our friendships,

or this whole thing could unravel.

Hello, happy campers.

We almost packed?

Yeah, we got the poles, we got the tent,

got the camping stove, got the BM shovel,

got the shovel to bury the BM shovel...

(laughs) Well, that's good.

I got the lantern, the bug spray,

Victoria's coming, and the coffee pot.

Whoa, I'm... I'm sorry. What?

Yeah, you know, it's one
of those percolating ones

that you could put
right on top of the fire.

Victoria is not coming on this trip.



Hey, no girls allowed.

It's bad enough we invite Harry.

Look, bub, it's my RV we're taking.

And as the mud flaps'll
tell you, "Back off."

It's a guys-only weekend, Carl.

End of story.

I don't think that's your decision to make.

It should be up to the group.

- No. No way.
- Not happening.

Have you all forgotten what
it's like to be in love?

Hmm? To want to spend every moment

with the woman whose smile

is the first thing you
think about when you wake up

and the last thing you thank
God for when you go to bed?

- No. Nah.
- Nuh-uh. Not happening.

You know what?

I don't need your approval.

I'm taking my car, my girlfriend,

and this guys' trip is now
officially a bisexual weekend.

I almost had one of those.

By accident.

It was a dark tent,

I thought I was grabbing a flashlight...

the only thing that lit up was his face.

You're sharing a tent with him.

♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ For the first time in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ For the first time in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ I see love. ♪

You gotta sit Victoria down,

tell her she can't come fishing with us.

Victoria's going?

- I thought girls weren't allowed.
- They aren't.

Then why does she get to go?

'Cause Carl invited her.

Well, why didn't you invite me?

'Cause I don't want you to go.

Wow.

No, no, nothing against you.

I don't want her to go, either.

It's gonna ruin the whole weekend.

Well, then, don't go.

It's my trip!

Well, I mean, if it's your trip,

then you can invite

anybody you want to invite.

No, no, no, no.

I'm not playing this game.

There's no game.

I mean, if there was a game,

I guess I'd be losing.

Come on, don't be ridiculous.

Am I ridiculous?

Is that why you don't want to take me?

No. I...

I do. It's just, there's...

Oh, yeah, bup. Don't.

It's okay.

Molly, don't be mad.

I'm not mad.

I'm just a little sad.

Luckily, I've got all
weekend by myself to...

to get over it.

Would you like to go fishing this weekend?

You don't want me to go.

Oh, but I do.

It doesn't feel like you do.

Come on, please?

I... it'll be fun.

Well, now you're begging,

so I feel like I have to say yes.

Thank you.

Hey...

you're welcome.

What the hell just happened to me?

What is that odd smell in your RV?

Is it coming from the
bathroom or the fridge?

Fridge.

Oh, then it's urine.

I said "fridge."

And I said "urine."

It's puma urine.

It's a bear repellent.

Yeah. Works on people, too.

Mark my words,

when you see a mama grizzly
circling the campsite,

you'll be splashing it on
like it's English Leather.

You happy? You got your way.

Now our guys' weekend is
turning into a couples' retreat.

Oh, Molly's coming? That's great.

Evens up the teams for Scattergories.

Sure, bring all the board games.

It's not like we're gonna be
able to do anything fun anyway.

(high-pitched voice): "Cigars
will stink up the tent."

"Slingshots are dangerous."

"Cherry bombs are a
terrible way to catch fish."

Boy, we sure blasted
our limit last year, huh?

Yeah, well, now we're gonna
have to rely on our wits.

Did you hear what I said, Carl?

Our wits.

Where can I put these?

I thought you already packed your stuff.

I got some extra baggage.

I hope you boys are ready to become men.

Mama's bringing moonshine.

I did not start this chain of events.

Nor did I have the balls to stop it.

I have always wanted to go
on one of Mike's guy trips,

if only to observe, you know?

What do they talk about? What do they eat?

Do they sleep alone?

Or all together in a pile, like kittens?

Oh...

I hope that's true.

Well, I'm just happy you
and Mom are coming along.

You know, I've been dreading this weekend.

Why?

I don't know.

Carl and I are kind of at a weird place

- in our relationship right now.
- What do you mean?

Like, "where is this going" weird?

Or "don't tell your sister

because it might haunt her dreams" weird?

The first one.

Okay. Good.

'Cause that image of Carl
in nothing but a Zorro mask

still kind of keeps me up at night.

The thing is, I like Carl.

A lot.

He is so kind and attentive

and just crazy about me.

So, what's... what's the problem?

I kind of had a quickie
with my ex-boyfriend.

What do you mean "kind of"?

Kind of definitely.

Kind of... how could you do that?

I don't know, it just happened.

I got a text saying he found my sunglasses.

But it wasn't so much a text

as a picture of my sunglasses on his penis.

And when I went to go get
them, they were still there.

Okay, you said you weren't
gonna haunt my dreams!

- I'm sorry! I'm so sorry...
- No, you're not!

- I don't think you...
- Hey. - Hey.

Hey...

What's going on?

Nothing.

Why would anything be going on?

Well, because I asked
you to pack the cooler.

Yeah, well, all right, here you go.

Take it away.

I know what's happening here.

I knew it. Healthy snacks.

- Where's my beef jerky?
- Ah...

Oh, you got us!

(Victoria and Molly laugh nervously)

What'd I tell you, Carl?

Turn your back for a second,

they start playing Hide the Jerky on you.

Mm-hmm.

You little devil.

What other mischief you been up to?

- Well, to be honest...
- MOLLY: Hey!

What is it... wh...

what is with the third degree, Carl?

Can't you see she that feels
guilty enough about the jerky?

Can't you see that?

This is why they don't invite girls!

An hour and 15 minutes behind schedule.

First time ever.

I wonder what changed.

Uh, he's getting a little cranky.

Is there a juice box for him back there?

He's already had two.

Just gimme.

I mean, what would you have done?

They were very expensive sunglasses.

Ugh. I don't want to see that.

See what?

Nothing. Victoria's just...

having some trouble with her cell phone.

Really? Let me take a look at that.

No, no, no. No. Ten and two.

Hands on the wheel.

Besides, it's not really
her phone, it's her plan.

Oh, yeah? What's the problem?

Her old provider is trying
to get her to switch back.

But she's very happy

with her current service. Right?

I am.

But you know how I have trouble

committing to long-term contracts.

You've been hopping from plan to plan

and that's not working out for you, is it?

That's true.

I mean, look at me. I've
been with the same provider

for three years and I am very happy.

What are you talking about?

You complain about 'em all the time.

Well, I still love him.

I'm with Victoria on this.

It's hard to stay loyal
with the other companies

dangling special offers in your face.

I say just pick one.

They're all gonna screw you in the end.

You ever thought about a group plan?

She does not need a group plan.

Just drink your juice.

(Carl scoffs)

I... I can't believe we
pass this place every year

and have never stopped.

You know, what might have kept us away is

that big sign out front
that says "Antiques."

I... I thought it'd be a
little treat for the ladies.

It is.

And thank you very much.

(chuckles)

(whispering): Come here,
come here, come here.

I... I miss you already!

Hey, let me ask you something.

Y... you think Victoria's
been acting differently?

We're all acting differently.

Look where we are, it's not natural.

No, I'm telling you, for,
like, the last week or so,

she's been a little distant, you know?

And it's little things.

Like, the other night, we went
out to eat at a restaurant,

I was wearing my "I'm hers" T-shirt,

she wasn't wearing her "I'm his."

I looked like an idiot.

You are an idiot.

No, man, I... I got to
step my game up, you know?

Be more attentive to her needs, you know?

Truly start listening to her.

Or maybe skip all that work

and just buy her something very expensive.

No, no, no, look, look,
don't get desperate.

Now, you got a good thing going
with Victoria... don't ruin it.

Yeah, but I don't want to lose her, Mike.

You're not gonna lose her.

Look, relationships,
they got ebbs and flows.

Like me and Molly, okay?

Whenever I feel like maybe
she's a little bit sick of me,

I make an effort.

I unload the dishwasher a couple times,

we're right back on track.

All right, I hope you're right.

No, I am right.

And if you do do the dishwasher thing,

make sure they're clean
before you unload it.

It really pisses them off.

My stomach is queasy, I'm hot.

Every time I look at Carl, I feel terrible.

Good, you should, it's called guilt.

Darn it, I thought it
was just food poisoning.

How could you do this to such a great guy?

Carl doesn't deserve this,
he deserves your loyalty

and your love and your honesty.

So you think I should tell him what I did?

No, absolutely not.

But you just said, "Be honest."

Not about this.

That's just gonna make
you feel better, not him.

What, do you want to
break this guy's heart?

Oh, my... of course not.

Are you gonna cheat on him again?

- I hope not.
- Victoria!

I won't.

Okay, then, you take it to the grave.

You bury it, you cover it with lime,

you burn the clothes that you wore,

and you never speak of this again.

What about the sunglasses?

Oh, God, tell me those are not the ones.

I kind of went through
a lot to get them back.

Hey, look, the last guy who
got dragged in here by his wife.

Very funny.

So you gonna tell me
what the hell's going on?

What are you talking about?

You and Victoria... something's fishy.

Well, we are on a fishing trip.

Ha...

You're not fooling anybody.

Even Carl?

So there is something.

I didn't say that, I...

Look, Carl's spinning out enough as it is.

Is there something I need to know?

Mike, some things a...
are better left unsaid.

Okay, well, say it to me, and I'll decide.

Ooh...

Hey! No, hey.

Now, look, I'm your husband.

You can't lie to me.

Well, she's my sister; yes, I can.

Besides, I'm not lying to you,

I'm just not, you know,
telling you the truth.

Did she mess around on him?

Okay, look.

I know you don't want to rat out Victoria.

So you don't have to say anything, okay?

Just blink once for yes,

and twice for no.

You have to blink sometime.

No, I don't.

Did you blink when I blinked?

- I don't know, did I?
- Aah!

Okay. All right, fine.

But we've got all weekend
for those peepers of yours

to tell me what's what.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, God, that feels good.

(clears throat) Hey, uh, Victoria,

while we're waiting for those two,

could you, uh, put that visor down?

I'm getting a glare.

We're parked in the shade.

Catching a little something
off the side mirror.

Well, how's the visor...

Just please put the damn thing down.

(gasps)

Would you look at that?

How did an exquisite $218
turquoise necklace get up there?

Carl, why'd you do this?

I'm just stepping up my game.

You know, perfect jewels
for my perfect jewel.

No, I'm not perfect.

Well, you are to me.

MIKE: All right, let's go.

Carl, you don't know me as
well as you think you do.

Sometimes, I make mistakes, okay?

I'm human.

The most perfect one ever created.

Oh, my God, why are
you being so damn nice?!

Baby, wait!

Don't tell him, please don't tell him.

Don't tell him what?

Damn your crazy eyes.

Hey.

Hey.

I need to apologize.

For what?

You have done nothing wrong.

That's not true.

When it comes to women,
I do everything wrong.

I fall too far, too fast.

I say too much, I spend too much.

I am too much.

Oh, baby, you got nothing on me.

I'm all messed up.

When I find a good guy, I'm bad.

And when I find a bad guy, I'm good.

Yeah, which guy am I?

You're a good one.

Uh-oh.

This is really hard for me to say.

Just say it.

Okay. (Clears throat)

Here it goes.

I don't think we should
sleep with other people.

Y... you mean, be exclusive?

Yes.

Yeah, I thought we were.

Oh, good, now it's official.

Wait.

Why?

Did you... ?

You know what?

Never mind.

I don't want to know.

I don't need to know.

That's why I love you.

You do?

I do.

Boy, so much drama.

Is it always like this
on your fishing trips?

Well, usually it's Harry and Samuel

who end up snuggling in the back seat.

Oh, you really do sleep like kittens.

What?

Never mind.

Just step on it.

The others are probably full
of fish and moonshine by now.

Lucky bastards.

Try it now.

(engine turns, doesn't start)

Poor thing, it sounds like Mother

after her first cigar in the morning.

Hey, chubs, not only is
your RV a piece of crap,

but the apple juice in
your fridge tastes like ass.

Well, you're close.

Bad news... this engine's shot.

Looks like we're not going anywhere.

In the driveway or in the woods...

moonshine tastes the same to me.

You know what?

Maybe we should just take
this party to the backyard.

I'll fill up the kiddie
pool, we'll stick our feet in.

It'll be just like the lake.

Actually, a weekend without Mike and Carl

sounds pretty good to me.

Yeah, let's do this!

Uh, does this mean I have to go home?

Oh, honey.

No, course not.

You can go to a movie or something.