Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 5, Episode 3 - Tis the Season to Be Molly - full transcript

Would you look at all
these credit card charges?

I thought we agreed to
cut down on our spending.

I didn't agree.

I said I thought
it was a good idea, okay?

And I still do.

Why do you need to
buy all this stuff?

It's Christmas.
Don't be such a Scrooge.

Well, since when is it my job to
make sure everybody has a gift?

Carl, let's go!
Shake a leg!

Yeah.

We'll just get some
coffee for the road.



Traffic's gonna
be a bitch.

Should we take the Eisenhower?

Uh, you know, I was
thinking surface streets.

Yeah, that's a good plan.

One drop of snow,
people start driving

like idiots.

Okay, fellas, dinner's at 6:00.

Don't be late.
Ham waits for no one.

You got it, my dear.

All right, let's hit it.

You look a little skinny
from behind there.

You lost some weight?
Eh, I'm trying.

♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ La,
la-ba-dee-da ♪



♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ I see love. ♪

What is it with this song?

Feels like it's on
a constant loop.

'Cause it is.
It's Molly's favorite.

Which means it's all
of our favorites.

Well, at a certain point,
it's no longer festive.

It's-it's psychological torture.

I'd turn it back on
before Molly decks your balls

and roasts your chestnuts.

How come it's always
about what she wants?

Well... I like Christmas, too.

Oh, is this about cooking
your stupid seven fish?

Well, not just that.

But what harm would it do?

It would make the house stink
like seven fish.

And that, to me,
is what Christmas smells like.

Hey...

Not that I'm angry, but, uh,

who bought
the wrong popcorn balls, huh?

Was that...?

They were out of the
ones you usually get.

Oh.

And you looked everywhere?

No, ma'am.

That's okay.

That's okay.
You know who's gonna love 'em?

The birds.

'Cause they don't
care that they're ugly.

Oh...

Oh, how are the cookies?

They're coming along nicely.

Oh...
What do you think?

Wha...?

Two buttons
for a gingerbread man.

Hmm. Ah.

Three seemed
like overkill.

Oh, we must have been
overkilling it

for the last 30 years.

Oh!

Oh!

Add another button.

Oh, look at that.

Oh! This... This, yes...
This, this, this.

Oh, that just...

That just feels better, right?

Yeah.
Am I right?

Oh, good job. Hey...

Who turned off the music?

Huh?

♪ Mele Kalikimaka ♪

Everybody.

♪ Is the thing to say ♪

Everybody!
♪ On a bright Hawaiian ♪

♪ Christmas Day ♪

♪ Mele Kalikimaka ♪
♪ That's the island greeting ♪

♪ That we send to you
from the land... ♪

I get having
a few holiday rituals,

but there's a fine line
between tradition and fascism.

- What's that?
- Nothing.

♪ The sun to shine by day
and all the stars at night ♪

♪ Mele Kalikimaka
is Hawaii's way ♪

♪ To say
Merry Christmas to you... ♪

...reindeer for your brother,

but, you know,
it never hurts to ask.

Okay, let's pick
it up, Jingles.

We got a long line
of wonderful children

and a ham waiting at home.

You got it, Santa.

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

And who do we have here?

Well, this is Katie, Santa.

She's in Girl Scouts,
she likes unicorns,

her favorite food
is banana pancakes.

She's got a Chihuahua dog
named Nacho,

and she's allergic to soy
and, apparently, walnuts.

Just need the name, Jingles,

not her complete
medical history.

So, Katie, have you been
a good girl this year?

Yes.

Well, why don't you
whisper in Santa's ear

and tell me what you
want for Christmas,

while Jingles gets
you a nice gift?

So many to choose from.

Is this the perfect one
for Katie?

No.

Is this the perfect one
for Katie?

No.

Is this the perfect one
for Katie?

Pick one!

All right, Katie, here you go.

The perfect gift.

Ho, ho, ho.
How about that?

Thank you, Santa.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Jingles, a-a-a word.

Ho, ho, ho!

What the hell are you doing?

We should have been done
an hour ago.

Well, I can't help it if there's
a bigger turnout this year.

For the under-eight crowd,

your lap is the place
to be and be seen.

Yeah, well, I'd like
to be seen before New Year's.

Can we pick up
the pace, please?

All right, you got it.
Thank you. Thank you.

All right, kids.
Ho, ho. Ho, ho.

All right, kids, we got
to speed it up a little.

Santa's got things
to do tonight.

We've got his reindeer
all gassed up and ready to fly.

You do know his reindeer,
don't you?

♪ You got Dasher and Dancer
and Prancer and Vixen ♪

♪ You got Comet, you got Cupid,
you got Donner ♪

♪ You got Blitzen! ♪

♪ Mele Kalikimaka
is the thing to say ♪

♪ On a bright... ♪

Oh, look at this.

Remember?

We got this at Navy Pier.
Oh.

1989... Remember we used all our
Skee-Ball tickets to get it?

Yup, that ornament
only cost me $49

and a boob flash to the carny.

Ah-ah, ah-ah...!

Where are you putting that?

On the tree?

Well, I know that. I just...

Don't you think it might
be better over on this side,

so when the sun comes in
in the morning, kind of...?

Here.
Oh, well, okay.

I am never running an errand
on Christmas Eve again.

It's like a holly-jolly
end of days out there.

It wasn't a total loss, though.

I found my first contribution

to the Flynn family
Christmas tree.

Santa in the outhouse.

Aw...!

Aw, look at him
sitting on the pot.

That is adorable.

It really humanizes him,
doesn't it?

Wait. Best part.

Ho, ho... Whoa!

Where should I hang it?

No, no, no. You're not hanging
a toilet on my tree.

Oh, I forgot. Your tree,
the way you want it.

What about the rest of us?
Don't we get a say?

I don't see anybody
else complaining.

'Cause they're too scared.

Oh, really?

We are a little scared of you.

Well, how... how... how am
I possibly a scary person?

Christmas lives
in my soul.

It'll slide

- right in here next to the clay cactus.
- No, don't touch...

Oh, no.

What have you done?

I-I'm... I'm sorry.
I-I...

Don't touch it!

It was an accident.
I'll get her a new one.

You can't replace that one.

She made it with her dad.

Ah, geez.

Now that's a Yule log.

Ah... there you are.

What are you doing?

Oh, that breeze is blowing
right up my elf skirt.

Jack Frost is nipping at
a whole lot more than my nose.

Why couldn't Ramirez
load the truck?

Well, he was gonna, but
I sent him home to his family.

What about my family?
I got one, too.

Well, in the spirit
of the season,

I didn't think about you.

Yeah, you never seem to.
You do this every year.

You volunteer me for all this
stuff without even asking.

You love being Santa.

This isn't being Santa.
This is being the UPS guy.

I should have switched
to a brown outfit.

You don't think
Santa loaded his sleigh?

No, he doesn't.
That's why he owns elves.

Owns elves?! What the hell
is that supposed to mean?

What was that?

Probably some kids
screwing around.

Hey, you kids,
I know you're having fun,

but Santa's still back here!

Are you kidding me?

Our truck's getting jacked!

Ow!

Oh, quit using
that elf voice!

I'm not. I feel on a Rubik's Cube!
Aah!

Okay, okay. I've been tracking
our driving pattern in my head.

We've taken one left turn,
two rights,

and I think we passed
a sewage plant

or you passed a sewage plant.

Just give me your phone
so I can call this in.

Mine's back
at the community center.

Look at me... tell me where
I got room for a phone.

No phones, no guns, no badges.

What are we gonna do
when those guys open that door?

All right, let's just see where
we are in terms of weapons.

Okay, all right,
we got some Hulk fists.

Ah. Ah.

Some Nerf nunchucks.

Boom. Etch A Sketch.

Great. If we get a peek at 'em,

you'll be able to knob out
a composite.

Hey, I'm just taking inventory
of our resources.

Pardon me
if my training kicks in.

They don't know
that we're unarmed.

So I say we identify ourselves

and tell 'em backup's
on the way.

Okay.

Pull over! Pull over right now!
Chicago PD!

Okay. Just be cool.
Follow my lead.

Is somebody back there?

Chicago PD!
You are under arrest!

Open this back door,
lay on the ground,

put your hands
behind your head!

Yeah, I don't think so.

You don't want to make this
any worse than it already is!

Yeah, 'cause you're looking
at grand theft, kidnapping,

and-and not coming
to a full stop at a stop sign.

You think I didn't feel that?!

You guys are really
scaring us back there,

all locked up and not being
able to do anything about it.

Instead of dealing
with all this,

maybe we should just drive
the truck into the lake.

They make good points.

Believe me, you don't
want to do that!

Why not?

Because...

I will be very
disappointed in you!

I'm warning you guys,
this is your last chance!

Let us out of here now!

Hello?

I think they left us
in here, Carl.

Look, I'm not saying
this is your fault, but...

you are a horrible negotiator.

How's the patient?

Oh, doesn't look good.

Aw, honey.

It never did.

Maybe 'cause I was six
when I made it.

I never understood,
why a cactus?

No...

It was supposed to be...

me and Dad's stockings.

But we put them
too close together in the oven,

and hence,
the Christmas cactus was born.

That man
loved Christmas.

I know that's why you get
so nuts this time of year.

That's also why
we put up with it.

I guess I just think if we...

keep doing things the way
we always have, it's...

kind of like he's still here.

He is.

You know,
Vince thinks you hate him.

Yeah?

Molly.

Let me feel my feelings.

All right.

But when you're done
doing that,

you go apologize.

Okay, but...

that's his present.

That's fine.

I don't think
he got you anything either.

Hello?! Anybody!

Chicago PD! Open up!

Why do you keep telling
people we're cops?

I thought you wanted someone
to come help us.

Agh...

Here we go.

Maybe what we need
is a little amplification.

♪ Hello ♪

♪ Help, help ♪

♪ Anybody out there? ♪

Oh, man! I always wanted
one of these things.

If you haven't gotten
my present yet...

♪ This is what I really want ♪

Would you knock it off?!

I should be home by now.

It wasn't enough we did
our Santa-elf routine.

You had to sign us
up for truck duty, too?

I was just trying to help.

Help what, your ego?

No, man. It's Christmas.
I know,

but why do you have
to go overboard every year?

Well, I'm just trying to do my
part, just trying to give back.

Well, when is it enough?

When every kid gets a toy.

Well, that's impossible.

Well, maybe it is,
but I'm still gonna keep trying.

No, you got no idea
how big this is for a kid

who doesn't think he's gonna
get anything for Christmas.

You?

Yeah, the year before
my mom left me with my grandma,

we spent Christmas
in a shelter.

The police toy drive, man,
they put a GI Joe in my hand.

We've been
doing this for eight years.

You never told me that?

Well, it's not something
I like to talk about.

But I'm not
ashamed of it, either.

I just want
those kids to know

that there's somebody
out here that cares.

Well, now I feel like an ass.

It's okay.

♪ I'm used to you being one. ♪

Is somebody in there?!

Y-Yeah! Open the door!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

You kids saved our butts.

Santa...?!

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

Hello, children.

Do any of you have
a cell phone?

No. That's what
I asked you for.

Sorry, kids,
we can't talk right now.

Santa's in a big rush to get home.
Jingles,

Santa always has time
for the children.

And what's wrong
with your voice?

Sorry, Santa, but, uh,

thought you needed
to get a move on.

Don't be silly.

Now, I'll hand
out these toys

while you go find a phone
and call in a 10-31.

I'm on it, Santa.

Uh, y-you know what?
I-I might take those nunchucks.

This neighborhood looks
a little sketchy.

Ho, ho, ho!

Vince?

Yes?

I don't hate you.

All right, have a good
Christmas.

I'm so sorry!

I should've never
touched your nice tree.

I'm such a clumsy lug.

I drop everything...
plates, lightbulbs,

my nephew on his baptism.

Seriously?

Right into the holy water.

He was gonna go in, anyway,
but still...

Listen, I-I know I hold on to
these traditions kind of tight.

Like an anaconda.

But...

I get it... you do a beautiful
Christmas every year.

Thank you.

I-It's just that,

yeah, I've been around

for three Christmases now.

I'm not trying
to replace anybody.

I just...

I don't want to feel like
a visitor anymore.

Look, I-I'm sorry I haven't
been the most welcoming.

You don't got
to apologize.

Believe it or not,
I've found

it takes people a while
to warm up to me.

No... no...

I just want you to know
I love your mom,

and I think the world
of you girls.

Well...

you know, we're gonna have

a lot of Christmases
ahead of us, so...

maybe it's time
we officially make you part

of the Flynn family tradition.

Really?

On the tree?

Yep.
Where you can see it?

Okay, I'm not making
any promises.

There's a, there's a flow
to that tree.

You've made me a very happy man.

Oh, let's save it
for next Christmas.

Damn it, I can't wait that long!
Come here.

♪ Hark! The Herald Angels sing ♪

♪ Glory to the newborn king... ♪

Okay, the Christmas ham
is finally served.

What took you guys so long?

Well, there were
a lot of kids this year.

A lot more than expected.

Mm-hmm, and this man
wouldn't leave

until every last
one of them had a toy.

Did you see Vince's ornament?

Front and center.

It's Santa on the dumper.

But don't press the button
while Molly's in the room.

She doesn't think it's as funny
as the rest of the world.

I'm sorry, I just think that
Santa deserves some privacy.

Hey, uh, does this mean
that I can get an ornament?

No, that tree is perfect now.

Why would you want
to add anything?

It's got a nice flow.

You know, while we're on
the topic of changing stuff,

haven't you people ever heard
of Elf on the Shelf?

No, the elfin folk are poorly
represented in this house.

They creep me out.

Okay, don't want
to ruffle any feathers,

seeing how this is my first
Christmas as a family member.

Hey, you been dating Victoria
for four months.

It took me three years
to get one lousy ornament.

Yeah, you got to do your time,
like we did.

Besides, nobody's getting
anything else

until I get my
Midnight Mass pancakes.

You don't go to Mass.

Which is why we can have
the pancakes at 9:00.

See, you can't just come in here
and start deciding.

We're a democratic household.