Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 5, Episode 13 - Buy the Book - full transcript

This book that sits before me
is the physical manifestation

of all your hard work.

The fruits of your labor.

The vessel in which
you've laid bare your soul,

exposing it like
a freshly-waxed orifice.

Oh! Let me see the orifice.

I mean, the-the book.
God, the book, the book.

(gasps) Oh.

It's beautiful.
(laughs)

Bring it to your bosom.

Oh, my God, it's real.



My own book.

Oh, and look at me
in that brown sweater.

You know, I fight it,

but I really am an Autumn.

I want you to enjoy
this moment...

the crowning achievement
for every writer.

I will. I-I've dreamt
of this day.

Good. Now wake up!

Hey!

You're not a writer anymore.

From now on, you're a salesman,

a carnival barker, and that
book is your bearded lady,

your dog-faced boy,
your conjoined twins.

Okay, I get it!
I gotta sell the book!



No, forget about the book.
You gotta sell yourself. Okay...

Cut it out!

You must brand yourself...
like Stephen King, J.K. Rowling,

that Chicken Soup
for the Soul guy.

Okay, I get it.
Just stop throwing it.

We'll start
the media push with radio.

Oh...

radio.

I just...
think that this might...

want to be on TV.

Well, that doesn't get on TV

until this goes viral.

Blogs, podcasts, social media...

this needs to spread faster than
gonorrhea in a Dutch prison.

(anxious laugh)

Yikes... guess who's not
jaywalking in Amsterdam.

(laughs)

But what about
that launch party?

You just tell me when and where

and I'll throw on
something brown.

I would love to have a grand
launch party for you. Oh!

Unfortunately, the golden age
of publishing is long gone.

How I miss the glamour,

the money, the cocaine...

Mostly the cocaine.

You know, I snorted
Sweet'N Low once.

It mostly just stung,
but I got into that sorority.

That's not to say that we're
not gonna celebrate,

it'll just be
a little less showy.

Oh! (laughs)

Book launch!

Yeah! Oh, is that it?

Unless you have some cocaine.

♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

This is exciting.
I'm so proud of you, honey.

Oh...!
Oh, wait till you see it,

the book turned out beautiful.

Hey, you want me
to help there? No.

I got it, I got it.
I just need to get this...

this tape started.

You want a knife?
Do you want to scratch the book?

All right. Honey, you know what I did?
I did write a dedication page

for you guys to thank you
for all your support.

Well, why don't you open
the box and let us see?

I am trying, okay?

Do you not see me
trying to open it?

Okay, if anybody here could
maybe give me scissors

or a knife or something.

Here.
Something to help.

God, I gotta beg for it.

Be careful, that's razor-sharp.

Yeah. Ow! Son of a...
Oh!

God.

Oh, oh! Oh... oh...

You're listening
to The Morning Drive Time

with Big Stain and Willie.

(car horn oogahs)

It's ten minutes after the hour,
and we're back with Molly Flynn,

talking about her sexy new book,
Within Her Walls.

Ooh! Welcome, Molly.

Thank you, Big Stain.
It's nice to be here.

So, this book... I hear it's,
uh, one spicy read. (growls)

Well... Well, it definitely
has its moments,

but it's really a story
about a woman

on a journey of self-discovery.

(boinging sound effect)

(laughs)

I think Willie liked your book.

(boinging)

Well, thank you, Willie. Um...

Hopefully, it will appeal
to a broad audience.

You know, I... I tried to speak
to the human condition

and not just have a series
of sex scenes in it, so...

(boinging)

Oh, okay, all right,
I get it, I get it.

You're-You're gonna
make that sound

every time I say anything
that has a sexual connotation.

(boinging)

There it is.

Okay, anyhoo, uh, the point
that I was trying to make

is that this book has a strong
female voice, which I think

is really underrepresented
in modern literature, so I...

(snoring)

BIG STAIN: Wake up, Willie,
the lady's talking.

(giggles)
It's funny. It's very funny.

Um, listen, I understand
that this is your show,

and that the wacky noises
are all part of the fun,

but I worked my butt off...

(farting)

Aw, Willie!
(forced laugh)

Make all the goofy noises
you want, I'm fine with it

as long as I can still
promote my book, so...

(buzzing)

Oh, it looks like
we're plumb out of time.

Well, wait a minute, we haven't
even promoted the book yet.

Well, what'd you think
about it, Willie?

(repeated boinging)

"She knew in that moment,

"not only did she find a lover,

she also found herself."

Any questions?

Yes?

I noticed your protagonist
is a very strong woman

with her own thoughts
and opinions.

Say she was here tonight...

where do you think she'd like
to go to dinner after this?

I don't care, Vince... wherever
you guys want to go to eat.

Thank you for your response.

Yeah, I got a question...
for everybody.

How cute is she, huh?
Come on!

Yes,

to the man
who I don't live with?

It's more of a follow-up
on that other question.

If you like Mediterranean,
there's a new Greek place

two blocks over... it's right
next to that rub and tug.

Thanks, but I was just trying
to get the ball rolling

'cause she was dying up there.

We're having Italian.
Hey...

Hey, Molly's the author.

This is her day.

We like tapas, don't we, honey?

What I would like is a room
full of enthusiastic readers

asking questions
about my book, but...

I'll settle for...
yeah, tapas.

Any other questions?

That aren't about
where we're going to eat?

Well, you've been
a fantastic audience.

Let's keep this awkwardness
going over at the signing table.

Get over there
and get a book signed.

She looks ridiculous,
sitting there all by herself.

I don't want to buy another one.

If she writes in it,
I can't return it.

I can hear you.

Okay? I'm humiliated,
I'm not deaf.

Hi.

Who would you like me
to make this out to?

I am the one who
leads the lambs to slaughter.

How about best wishes?

(chuckles)

Finally finished reading
your wife's book.

It's very well-written.

I'll tell her you said that.

Yeah, and don't tell her I said
this: it's a bit of a turn-on.

Yeah, I kind of don't
want to hear that, either.

Can I tell you
a little secret? No.

It's the first time I've
taken care of business

without visual aids.

Aah!

I get it.

So how's it going
with the sales?

Oh, not so good.

Molly's busting her ass
but no one's buying.

You know what she needs...
an endorsement.

Some celebrity blabbing about
how much they like the book.

Yo, that's a good idea.
You know, you think about it,

she's a Chicago schoolteacher,
she writes a book,

there's only one Chicago
celebrity to promote it.

ALL: Oprah...

That's brilliant.
But how-how do we get it to her?

Now, I-I been saving
this favor, but...

my cousin plays tennis with the
dog groomer who leases his truck

from Stedman's
estranged brother.

You never told me
you knew Oprah.

Oh, boy, this could be big.

I mean, Oprah reads that book

and tells people
to buy it, bingo-bango,

we got a best-seller.
Exactly. The only thing we

got to do next is figure out
who-who stars in the movie.

Well, I don't want
to get ahead of ourselves,

but my old roommate
Ndugo is friends

with the karate instructor
of the kid

whose father washes
Laura Linney's Prius.

Oh, she's a wonderful actr...

Well, wait, ah...
do you see her in the part?

Honestly, I see her
more as the sister.

I think, for the lead,
the name we're all looking for

is Emma Stone.

Ah!
Oh!

Gentlemen,
I think we have a movie. Yes.

Huh?

(with stuffy nose):
My novel's really an exploration

of one woman's sexual awakening.

(blows nose)

It's a love story,

you know, plain and simple.

I just developed my themes
through erotic...

(coughing)

...erotic imagery.

Uh, Within Her Walls.

Available in stores and online.

I got... I got a big box here.

If you just call me up...
(chuckles)

I'll bring one over
to your house.

Just buy the damn thing.

Well, thanks for having me.

I'm sorry I swore.

Got some exciting news.

Stedman's brother's dog groomer?
Gonna read your book.

Yay.

What is going on with you?

My book didn't go viral,
but I think I did.

Aw...

Aw, honey, you are burning up.

You gotta get to bed.
No, I can't.

I got another radio interview

and then I've got a reading
at the retirement home...

You can't be near the elderly.
Whatever you got

will take those old people out
like a set of spiral stairs.

What am I supposed to do?

You're supposed to get upstairs,

climb under the covers,

and I will bring you
some nice tea and honey.

No, I gotta promote my book.
You have been

doing that for weeks.
It's time to rest.

It would be nice to rest.
Yes.

Okay. I'll be right up
with your tea.

You still love me, even though
I'm a failed author?

Of course.

(crying):
You think I'm a failed author?

No, no! Of course I don't!

Please go to bed. Please.

(phone ringing)

Molly Flynn's phone.

Uh, no, she can't do
an interview right now.

I'm her husband.

Sure. Why no

Okay.

"Chapter Twelve: The Hayride.

"The crow of the cock awoke me
from my slumber.

"I could still taste the salt
of Sebastian

on my hungry lips."

Huh?

(man speaking Spanish
over radio)

(man continues speaking Spanish)

...Molly Flynn...
(speaking Spanish)

...Within Her Walls.
Hola, Molly!

Hola, Manny.

Me llamo Molly Flynn.

Gracias por la invitación.

Mi libro represente un viaje
de sexual awakening.

(boing sound effect)

Adiós.

What are you doing?

Failing in two languages.

Why are you here?
I came over

to cheer you up.
And I heard you were sick

so I brought you some
of my five-garlic soup.

Ugh. I'm not eating that.
Do you want me

to rub it on your chest?
(groans)

All right.

(gags)

Oh, that is potent.

Oh. Whew.

It's really opening up
the old nasal passages. Mmm.

Give it time. It'll open
up all your passages.

Wore yourself out pushing
that book, didn't you?

I tried my best,
but no one's buying it.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

What do you mean
what are you gonna do?

You're gonna start
writing again!

I don't know. It's too hard.

You don't know hard.

I remember
when I was a little girl,

working on my daddy's farm.

(quietly):
Oh, please don't tell me a story.

Let me tell you a story.

I was a meek

little thing,
scared of my own shadow

and the sheep I had to castrate.

That's where you learned it?

I had to pump my own water,
make my own clothes,

and if the crop didn't get in,
well, we all went hungry.

That's why I wanted
Mikey to be heavyset...

so he could make it
through a tough winter.

Okay, I get it, Peggy.
You had it harder than me.

No, that's not the point
I'm trying to make.

The point is, I didn't give up.

Just when I thought my life
couldn't possibly get any worse,

a city fella in a '56 Rambler

pulled up to the house
and asked for directions.

Was that Mike's dad?

Hell, no.

This was a real man.

Wore a three-piece suit
with hard shoes

and smelled like a pine forest
after a spring rain.

That's very poetic, Peggy.

What he did to me wasn't poetic.

It was filthy.

And I loved it.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Got to write it down. Go.

I got in his car,
and we just drove for days,

his hand on the wheel,
my head in his lap.

I do love a bench seat.

For the next three months
we wandered the countryside.

Truth be told, he put more miles
on me than he did that Rambler.

(door opens)

MIKE: Hey.

Look who's feeling better.

Hey.

Whew, what is that smell?

Your mother's five-garlic soup.

Oh, I hope you drank it,
'cause sh-she'll rub it on you.

I went the oral route.

Look at you, writing again.

Yeah, a new story about
a young girl coming of age

on a hardscrabble farm at the
base of the Mudlick Mountains.

Mudlick? Th-That's weird.

My mom grew up on a farm
in Mudlick.

Aw, no!

Mike, her story is incredible.

Do you know she ran
away from home

at 16, with a city feller,

and went on a
cross-country crime spree?

(chuckles)

Wait, what?!
Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, it was... it was
petty crime... shoplifting,

siphoning gas, not paying for
haircuts, that sort of thing,

but...
(chuckles)

My mother?
Yeah.

They were hiding in
abandoned buildings and barns

with your grandfather
hot on their trail.

Believe me, their trail
was "H-O-T" hot.

I don't think
I want to know what that means.

Well, then you better
not read our book.

"Our"?

Yeah, she's writing it with me.

Wha...

Mike, your mother
has a great story,

and I want to be the one to help
her tell it. So you're gonna

spend the next six months

working side-by-side
with my mother?

Oh, it's gonna take
at least a year,

and more than a few
trips to Mudlick.

I want to put my hands in the
dirt that sprouted Peggy Biggs.

Okay, well...
good luck with that.

Just a heads up, I-I think
the farm's a Walmart now.

That's fine.

I'll just go to the Garden
Center and grab a bag of mulch.

Here we are, ladies.
Okay.

Can I get you two anything
to drink?

I'd take a Sanka, if you got it.

I don't know what that is.

Just get her something hot
and bitter.

You said you were trying

to picture me as a young girl?

There I go.

Ladies.
MOLLY: Oh!

Xander, I would like
to introduce you

mmother-in-law, Ms. Peggy Biggs.

So, this is what became of the
lost little girl from Mudlick.

Yep, I...
Shh!

Let me drink in that face.

The permanently-etched scowl,

the deep lines of disapproval

in the forehead,
the eyes that once loved

but are now filled
with silent judgment.

Listen, princess...

...I might have a few lines,

but I canola oil this face
every night.

It's as soft
as a catcher's mitt.

She's magnificent!

Right? I mean...

can you imagine the story that
turned that sweet little girl

into this?

(Xander clears throat)

I have to admit, I am rather
intrigued by the story.

Oh, I'm so glad, but...

just so you know,
so is Simon & Schuster.

What?
Y-You went to them first?

After the book launch
I gave you?!

Well, I mean, we really want
to work with you, but...

you're gonna have to be
willing to work with us.

Show us the money, twinkle toes.

(quietly): This is negotiating.
Just play it cool.

(quietly): Gotcha.

(both gasp, squeal, laugh)

Wait a minute, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Is this your final offer?

It wasn't, but it is now.

Oh, and we were lying about.