Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 4, Episode 19 - Who's Afraid of J.C. Small - full transcript

So, how'd the date go last night?

Ah, another bait and switch.

Her profile picture
looked like Halle Berry,

but what showed up and ordered
Maine lobster was Chuck Berry.

Well, sorry it didn't work out.

Oh, I didn't say that.
Real nice lady.

Yeah, we-we're gonna go
out to karaoke next week.

You know, she's got Mr. Berry's face.

Let's see if she's got his pipes.

Hang on, we got a car up on the curb.

All right, I'll grab the Breathalyzer.



I'll put on my shoes.

Is she drunk or dead?

Well, either way, she can't park here.

Ma'am?

Glad you're here, Officer.

I'm looking for my car.

Aren't you in it?

Look at that, that's like
when you lose your sunglasses,

and they're on top of your head.

Oh, have a nice day.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Turn it off, turn it off.

Okay, I'm gonna need
to see your license

and registration, please.

I can't do that.
Why not?



'Cause I don't have it.
Well, where is it?

That's a question.
You should ask the judge

who took it away from me.

All right, I'm gonna have
to ask you to step

out of the vehicle, please.

Well, just what is this

all about, Officer?

This is about driving
under the influence.

Well, I didn't drive, I parked.

I mean, technically I stopped

a crime from happening.

You're welcome.

Well, it doesn't matter
that you're stopped.

What matters is
you've admitted to drinking.

And your keys are in the ignition.

Oh, so, if I didn't have the keys

then I would just be sleeping it off?

That's correct.

There we go.

Nighty-night, Officers.

♪ La, la-ba-dee-da

♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ For the first time in my life ♪

♪ I see love

♪ I see love ♪

♪ For the first time in my life ♪

♪ I see love

Oh, yeah, oh, yes!

Ooh, more!

All right, all right!

Ms. Small, let's try this again.

Do you still live at 627 Racine?

I feel sorry for you.

I'm not the one in handcuffs.

Oh, yes, you are. You
work for the government.

You're a pawn in a game you
don't even know you're in.

All right, so I'm just gonna
mark that as a "yes"

for 627 Racine.

What did you want to
be a cop for anyway?

You think people would
respect you more?

Well, let me let you in
on a little secret.

They don't.

Think what you want.

Oh, no ring on your finger.

Obviously you have women
issues. Who was it?

Who was it? Was it
your mom that hurt you?

Was it your mom?
Was she the one?

Is that who hurt you?

Aw, is that who hurt you?
Your mommy hurt you?

What happened?

You don't know me.

Oh, now I do.

All right, all right!
Carl, take a break.

And you, leave him alone.

Bye-bye, mama's boy.

Hey.

All right, where is she?

Over there.

Are you kidding me?

You handcuffed one
of our greatest living authors?

She's also a very nasty drunk

who kept throwing Carl's
hat across the room.

I mean, it-it was funny once.

So, there's nobody
that'll come get her?

No, I contacted her
attorney, cab companies.

You'd be surprised
how many people hang up

when they hear her name.

Okay, I got this.

Okay.

No, no!

Nobody wants to hear from you.

Hey.

Hey, are you the lucky policewoman

who gets to cavity search me?
I love that.

No, it's me. Molly?

The-the writer?
You mentored me?

I kind of stalked you.

Oh, yeah!

Now I remember.
We made out a little bit.

What?

No, no.

No.

So...

You're having yourself
quite a day here, huh?

Well, I was till Pork and Beans
dragged me in here.

Well, I'm kind of married to Pork.

The oversensitive black guy?

Oh, no, then Beans.

Oh.

- Makes more sense.
- Yeah.

Well, I see you're getting out soon.

I'd be happy to give you a ride home.

Oh, that would be so nice.

We, uh, we took
a bath together, didn't we?

After we made out?

No, we did not.

We did not.

No.

Can you just tone down
on the lesbian stuff?

My husband's right there.

Oh, guys love that.

Well, not Beans.

All right, well,
shall we get out of here?

I got her, I got her.

Okay, uh,

can I get you anything before I go?

No, but thanks again for the ride.

Maybe I could fix you some lunch.

Uh, no.

I'm kind of more
of a soup and salad gal.

Well, you can't forget about
your childhood by eating salad.

Okay, uh...

All right, well, I should...

I should probably go and get...

get out of you hair, and I'm gonna...

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm, uh, I was, uh,

trying to...
I was snooping.

I was snooping.

Is that your new book?

No, it's 600 pages of crap.

Well, I mean, but it's your crap,

so it's, it's probably
pretty good crap.

Are we done here?

Uh...

Yup, sure.

I'll just let you get to it.

Okay. Probably gonna get that.

No.

You gonna let
the machine get it or...?

No machine.

- Okay, probably voice mail or a serv...
- Nope.

Okay!

All right.

You know what?
I actually can't do that.

J.C. Small's residence.

Okay. Just-just a moment.

It's your publisher.

Tell him I'm dead.

I-I can't, I can't do that.

Well, I can't do it, I'm dead.

Uh, Ms. Small can't come
to the phone right now.

Can I take a message, please?

Okay.

"Miserable drunk."

Okay.

"Disgrace to profession."

Okay.

And "where is the... where,
where is the damn book?"

"Book." Okay, got it.

Well, the good news is

your publisher sounds

very passionate about that book.

Well, the bad news is
it's never gonna be finished.

Don't say that.
I mean,

you're J.C. Small, you know?

I mean, two-time
National Book Award winner.

And greatest feminist voice
of our generation. I mean,

that voice is
in those pages somewhere.

We just have to find it.

"We"?

I mean, I-I ca...
I-I could help you.

Gonna get that?

Yes, yes!

J.C. Small's residence.

Hold please.

Are we happy
with our phone service provider?

Ecstatic.

Okay!

Yes!

Hey.

Hey. It's midnight.
Where you been?

Oh, just helping

a world-famous author
work on her novel.

Me, Molly Flynn...

ex-school teacher, notary public,

muse.

I didn't know you were a notary.

J.C. is a mad genius.

I suggested putting a comma
in one of her sentences

and she practically tore my head off.

I'm sorry, I should've never
called you to come pick her up.

What? No, no, no, no.

It was amazing.

I mean, I got cursed out

by my literary idol.

I mean, she called names I've
never even heard of before.

Then she put in my comma.

Mike, I'm on the page.

Well, that's great.

I'm sure it's
the best part of the book.

Oh, no.

I mean, I did really simplify
a sentence, but...

Oh!

Ooh, it's J.C.

Send it to voice mail.

Would you send your
idol to voice mail?

Why would Mike Ditka call me?

I'll just be a second.

Hi, J.C.

Wait, wait.
Okay, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.
Slow down, slow down.

I-I thought what you
wrote today was great.

Well, I give a rat's ass
about what I say.

Just hang up.

Now?

Well, it's awfully late.

No, I'm not a little baby

that needs her bed.

No! No, no, no!
Don't take out my comma!

Yeah, I'll be right there.

Come on, you just got home.

I know. She needs me. I'm sorry.

Well, what about me?

I haven't seen you all day.

You're gonna be asleep
in five minutes.

Three if you tickle my back.

All right, turn on your side.

Ooh!

Ah, yeah!

Ooh!

Slower.

Ooh. O-o-oh, o-o-oh.

That's good.

All right, held my first husband.

It should...

do the trick for me.

No, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no!
What? Whoa, oh! Oh!

Aah!
No, no, no!

Down!

Down! Get off of there!

Down! Down!

What were you thinking?

I was thinking about killing myself,

but now all I can think about

is how good you smell.

What?

How good you smell.

I heard you.

- What?
- Well...

Stop clenching me with your thighs.

I have some nice chamomile tea for us.

And I don't want you
to take this the wrong way,

but what is wrong with you?

Okay, you probably can't
understand this right now,

but one day, if you work really hard

and you're very good
and you never give up,

you're gonna realize

that suicide is easier than writing.

That is crazy We did good work today.

Yeah, but what about the next day?

And then the next day?

You have to keep feeding the beast.

I mean, for what?

- To write a great book.
- Oh...

And then they want another one.

Or they don't want one.
That's even worse.

Well, if it's such torture,
then why bother at all?

Because I hate them and
I want them to love me.

I kind of get that.

Oh, how can you kind of get that?

I taught fourth grade!

Why'd you have to bring her here?

Because I've been with her
for 16 straight hours

and I wanted to take a shower.

I was gonna do it at her place,

but she climbed in there with me.

I don't like that stuff.

I know, Beans.
I know.

So, what is it you do?

I work at a funeral home.

Oh, mortician.

Beautician.

Interesting.

So if your sister had arrived five
minutes later,

we probably still would have met.

Except I would have
been dead, of course.

I thought we weren't supposed
to talk about the...

Oh, what's a little

suicide attempt among friends?

Personally, I'd use pills.

They're clean, easy.

Plus, you go out doing
something you love.

Now, I can't believe

that you've ever thought
about ending your life.

With a wonderful marriage

and two beautiful daughters,

all living peacefully
under the same roof.

Well, we have our moments.

Especially in the mornings, you know?

Bathroom traffic.

"Who-who took all that hot water?"

I mean, when you think about it,

you've given up so much
for these girls.

Your life, your privacy, your home.

When is it gonna be Joyce's turn, hmm?

When does somebody
do something for you?

I don't see it like that.

Well, of course not.

That's what the booze
is for, isn't it?

Okay...

That's enough about us.

What about you, huh?

We all want to hear more
about the great J.C. Small.

Oh, what can

I tell you?
I don't know, my...

I learned how to drink from my father,

I learned how to curse from my mother

and I learned how to make love
from my uncle.

And I'm a Scorpio.

I knew it.

I mean, your sign.

Not that other horrible stuff.

You are so cute.

You single?

Why, do you know someone?

- Yes, I do.
- All righty!

Ooh, have you tried that prosciutto?

No.

Yeah, well, do.
Do it.

Hey, just to be clear,

I am very happy with
my life and my children.

They may be parasites,
but I still love 'em.

Thank you, Mom. Thank you...
Mom.

Well...

of course you are, but what
about your poor husband?

You've been married, what, two years?

You're practically on your honeymoon.

I bet you didn't think you signed up

for this full house, did you?

Yeah, well, what are you gonna do?

Some women have those
yappy little dogs,

Joyce has yappy little daughters.

And, just so you know, Mike
and I are moving out of here

as soon as we get
a down payment together.

Yeah, I'll believe that when he flies.

Listen, as long as

my name's on the deed,

my parasites have a home.

Uh, I'm your husband.
I don't have a say in this?

Second husband.

Our real daddy is in heaven.

Oh, I am so sorry.

It was 25 years ago, move your hand.

Ooh, very protective

of the younger, sexy sister.

Interesting.

You know, even a strong man,

you sit him in front of
a piece of cake long enough,

he's gonna eat it.

Was that a crack about my weight?

No, she's saying you want
to sleep with Victoria.

What? Ugh!

What's wrong with me?

Not a damn thing.

Oh, so the stepfather noticed.

What? Ew!

You-you creeping on my daughter?

No! What...

None of this is on me.

She's the one who always
parades around in a towel.

- I don't even look.
- Oh, yeah?

Then how do you know
she's wearing a towel?

'Cause I'm always standing in line

- for the damn crapper.
- Oh...

You need to pee?

Use the drain in the laundry room,

you've done it before.

Gross!
I go down there barefoot.

Careful, 'cause Vince will
stare at your naked feet.

Oh...

Please.

You put it out there for everybody.

Why do you think I keep buying you
robes for Christmas?

I just kept thinking you were
buying me the same thing

because you're getting old.

Hey, I am a young, vibrant woman.

With a fantastic body
for a broad your age.

What are you doing looking
at her body? She's my wife!

Well, she's my mother!
Are you happy?

Yes, very!

Stay out of it.
You started all this.

Don't yell at me!

Okay, here come the tears.

Go ahead, manipulate your mother
like you always do.

Okay, okay, let's everybody
just calm down.

Shut up. You're not even
part of this family.

Well, neither is he!

Why you gotta bring me into this?

You're a shoe salesman!

That was fun.

What do you want to do now?

Get you home.

I think I've had enough
of you for one day.

You're gonna leave me alone?

We could both use a little break.

You can't abandon me now.

I'm very fragile!

I have a feeling you're gonna be okay.

I tried to kill myself last night.

Yeah.

What does "huh, huh" mean?

Nothing.

It's just so lucky

that the moment of your crisis

is exactly when I was
coming through your door,

which happened to be
conveniently unlocked.

So you think that was a bluff?

Well, I'll just throw myself
out of this car right now.

- Really?
- Really.

Or, hey, I'll do you one better.

Let me pull over here,
right by the river,

and you can go drown yourself.

Yeah.
Oh, look, we're here.

Jump on out.
Jump out.

River's waiting for you.

Full of snakes and dead mobsters.

But you're not gonna do it.

'Cause you know as well as I know

that you just create these
little dramatic situations

because you need the attention!

Yeah. Oh, yeah, climb
up on that railing.

Yeah, through that leg over there.

There you go.

Yeah... oh, is this where
I'm supposed to come out

and try to stop you?

Well, I'm out.

No, I'm sitting right...

Son of a bitch!

Hey!

Don't you dare swim away from me!

You could have gotten us both killed.

Don't be so dramatic.

Me? You jumped in a river!

Man, that water's always so much
colder than you remember.

You did this before?

Yeah, well, usually from bridges.

I prefer the one on Wacker.

I mean, that view going down
is incredible.

What is the matter with you?

"Bipolar sociopath."

Oh, my God, really?

Or, as I like to call it,

the "up-down boohoo sillies."

Can't they give you anything for that?

Yeah, they give me lots of stuff,

but they're no fun.

Even when you crush them
and snort them.

So you're off your meds?

Duh. I jumped into the river.

Okay, you...
you know what?

I can't take this anymore.

Neither can I.

What is so wrong with your life, huh?

I mean, you have the kind of talent

that I-I would chop off
my head to have.

Why can't you just be happy?

I can't write when I'm happy.

Oh, that's a load of crap.

Your talent is your talent
whether you're happy or not.

It's in you.

That's easy for you to say,

because you don't have any.

All right.

That's my cue.

Where are you going?

I'm taking my lack of talent

as far away from you as possible

and going home to what little
I have of my happy family.

You can't leave me.
I need you.

You need to dry out and suck it up

and finish your book.

Well, why don't you make me?

- Grow up!
- I'll pay you.

Sorry, what?

Uh, $800 a week.

Plus damages.

Which I'm sure I will incur.

So you're asking me
to help you write your book?

Yeah.

Write, run errands,

induce vomiting whenever necessary.

I'm not saying yes.

But if I did,

no more midnight calls.

No more midnight swims.

Plus, you'd have
to go back on your meds

because this kind of crazy... no.

Okay? Do you promise me?

No.

Well, then you're gonna have
to go find somebody...

$1,000 a week.

Done.

But just to...

get the taste of the river water
out of my mouth.

You know what else would do that?

My tongue.

And no more of that either.

You sure?
Not even for $2,000 a week?

No!

Well...

N-No. No.

We'll see.

Hey there.

Hey. Mwah.

What is that smell?

Oh. Chicago River.

And a very aggressive lesbian.

What?

Oh, I had to fish out J.C.

You know, for as polluted
as that water is,

it was oddly refreshing.

Molly, what-what kind of hold
does this woman have on you?

She's paying me $1,000 a week.

Ooh, Beans likes that.

Oh, guess who.

Hi, J.C.

Well, I'm... sorry that you're hungry.

No, you have food in your house.

I made you a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich today.

Okay, first, get the bread out.

You put peanut butter on one side,

and you put jelly on the other.

Yes, you can do this.

For 1,000 bucks a week,
you go over there

and make that nice lady a sandwich.