Middleditch & Schwartz (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Dream Job - full transcript

That is a good crowd.

Will we disappoint you?

Who knows?

We don't know.

We don't know what will happen.

- No.
- Why, Thomas?

Because this is
a completely improvised show.

What does that mean?

- Everything's made up.
- What do you mean "everything's made up"?

You say something,
I say, "Yes and..."

So, if I say something like,



"These meatballs are really tasty."

I go, "Yes, and they are made of meat."

- And that... is improv.
- That's improv!

Great.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

Wow, I hope we get to that meatball scene.

Oh, man.

It's a good scene.

Oh, it's going to be a great scene.

Neither one of those people
sounded like stereotypical Italian people

that might run an Italian meatball shop.

- No, we played it very kind of natural.
- Very natural.

But, if we get to a meatball scene
in the show...

Mamma Mia!



- Mamma... Mia.
- We have to now.

So, I ask you, this audience...

what is something
that you're looking forward to,

or something that you're dreading?

- Job interview!
- Thanksgiving!

- I heard...
- I heard a job interview.

I heard job interview.
Job interview was the first thing I heard.

It's a real thing?
We'll ask more questions.

Yeah.

- Okay, great.
- When you explain it,

maybe don't say the exact job
just in case...

But any specific, any character,

anything you could tell us
would be very helpful.

- So, please tell us.
- Is that coming up?

Yeah, I'm gonna get an email soon,
I don't know when, to schedule it.

You're going to get an email
to let you know how well you did

in the job interview
that you recently had?

No, I'm going to get an email
telling me when the job interview is.

Oh, okay.

You're worried about even
getting the job interview. Okay.

You're like... very far back.

You just had the idea
that you wanted a job.

We can work with it.

We can get with it. We can get there.

Uh...

So...

What...

What stage came prior to this?

There was a video interview.
Then this is round two of the interview.

- Oh, man! This is a job.
- Yeah. In person?

Uh, it's either going to be in person
or over the phone.

So, you could potentially
go from video to phone?

Yeah, that's good. That's good.

Now, let me hear
what you sound like, baby.

With... Can I ask, like,
would this be with...

This couldn't be possibly
with the same person.

It would be for a diff...
You'd be interviewing with a different...

The video interview
was with an automated system.

Okay, so your first round...

Who are you... Wait!

Who are you video chatting with

if it's an automated system?

Uh, what type of job is this?

It's, uh...
It's actually a photography internship

for a... weekend...

A photography internship for...

Uh, okay. It's for Saturday Night Live.

- Oh!
- Oh!

This motherfucker!

Whoo!

Shit!

Man, you're living my dream.

What would your job be? To take pictures
of the sketches actually happening

or backstage stuff?
Or what is it?

- I have no idea.
- You don't know what you're applying for?

It just said...
It just said "Photography Department."

- My man...
- Man, this is crazy.

Multiple interviews
for... an internship...

...that you don't even know
what you do during.

So when you say video interview,
who was it with then

if it's an automated video interview?

It was a weird system. It had, like...
For example, it would say,

"You have 30 seconds to read the question
and then a minute to record your answer."

They're making you interview yourself?

That, that is...

- Wait. I'm confused.
- No wonder...

the fucking youth of America
is disillusioned...

...with the employment process.

What the fuck is that?

- That's so mean.
- Can you give us an example?

It's, like, somewhat basic
interview questions like:

"What has your previous experience
led you to?"

So, you asked yourself that?

For real?

What is your dream dream job
out of everything at the end?

Let's say 10 years from now,
you would be...

you would be beyond happy
if blank happened.

Working in the building
that I'm applying for.

- Ah, what a sweet boy.
- As a photographer?

- Anything.
- Anything!

You don't care about photography.

Alright. Anything else? Any other...

Any other friends or characters
you're taking along the way?

Uh, there was another one of my friends
who applied to the same position,

and I'm the one who got the interview.

What's he like? What's that other friend,
guy or girl, like?

Uh, he is just
as passionate about it as me.

Oh. Is it... Is it icy now?

No.

No, he got another...
We applied to multiple.

He got some, and I got some. So, yeah.

Thank you very much. Give it up.

- Give it up one time.
- My man.

Cool. So...

Ladies and gentlemen, we present to you
Middleditch and Schwartz.

- The interview is beginning now.
- Fuck!

Please read the following question.

Um, can you hear me?

- Please read...
- Fuck!

- ...the following question.
- If you can hear me, you're talking now.

So, there's no reason for me
to read the question.

Please read the following question.

Um, "why do I want to be a photographer?"
Oh, uh...

You now have five seconds to answer.

Um... I'm not sure I do.

Okay.

Your time has expired.

Okay.

This is good. This is good.

- Okay.
- Next question.

Uh, "what is my biggest weakness?"

- Okay.
- You have 12 seconds...

...to respond.

Okay, I guess my biggest weakness...

uh, is that I'm, like, a little bit
too neat.

Um... Oops.

- And...
- Your time has expired.

Good.

If you can hear me,
I won't need more than 12

- for the rest of the questions.
- The next question is a multiple choice.

Okay. Can you read it?

I will read the question.

Hey, can I ask you a before you do it?
How am I doing?

- At 1 a.m...
- Fuck.

...on a Tuesday night...

do you find yourself most likely to be A:

watching TV,

B: watching TV...

...C: watching TV,

or D: masturbating and watching TV?

What time... What time at night?

You have five seconds
to answer the question.

Um...

- Your time has expired.
- Fuck!

Your failure to answer
the question has been noted.

Fuck. I won't do it again.
That is literally the last...

I will not do that again.

The next question...

...is a visual skills challenge.

I know you probably can't hear me...

To the best of your ability...

- I don't understand what...
- To the best of your ability...

embody...

a gazelle.

- To the best of my...
- You have a full minute...

...to embody a gazelle.

Bonus points...

for showing that you understand
what a gazelle eats...

- What does this have to do with...
- ...and is stalked and hunted by.

And what it's hunted by?

Correct.

- You can hear me.
- Uh...

Uh... You have a one minute
to complete the challenge.

Can you show me on the screen
a picture of a gazelle,

just so I can copy it, please?

Oh, my God.

Here is a picture of a gazelle.

Let me see it.

Look at the screen.

Alright, great. Thank you. Asshole.

Alright.

I can't tell.
Am I on camera here?

Yeah?

Okay. One minute started?

- I feel like...
- You have 50 seconds remaining.

I feel like this is embarrassing

uh, because this has nothing to do
with the job itself, and, um...

- You have 40 seconds remaining.
- Okay.

Uh...

Uh, fuck!

That's it. Yeah, you're a...

You're a gazelle.

You're a gazelle, and you want this job,
don't you, gazelle?

You're gonna do whatever you have to.

Oh, yeah.

Bouncing around, yeah?

Are you fast?

Are you hungry, you little gazelle?

- Show me what you eat.
- I don't want to do this.

Show me what you eat.

There's some grass.
You nibble at that. Yeah.

- This is so fucking demeaning.
- You're a hungry little gazelle.

Oh, no, there's a male gazelle
behind you.

No.

That's a minute, right?
That's a minute?

- Time has expired.
- Great. Thank God.

All right.

This is the final question.

What do you stand for?

Okay, how much time?

You have one second
to answer the question.

- That's insane.
- It is a single word response.

Okay. Okay. Tell me when it starts.

You may begin now.

Kindness.

Aw!

- Did I get it?
- Well done. Well done.

Computer, shut down.

Computer shutting down.

Uh... I'm so sorry. Who are you?

Timothy...

Great.

- Timothy.
- Timothy III.

Hey, Timothy.

- Timothy III.
- Are you Timothy III?

- I'm the Timothy III.
- Oh, my God.

- I run this place.
- This is incredible.

Yes.

- Yeah, so nice to meet you.
- Yeah.

My name was almost
going to be Forne Bicheals.

Yes.

You're the head
of this entire sketch show.

But my mother, at the last minute,

decided to name me Timothy III.

I have no last name.

It's literally Timothy III.

- May I ask you a question?
- Yes, of course.

Does that mean your father
and your father's father

- were just named Timothy and Timothy II?
- No.

No, so this is a weird one.

- My mother was an eccentric...
- Okay.

...but she instilled in me two things:

A work ethic,

and a pretty crazy comedy bone.

That is pretty crazy.
I'm a huge fan of your show.

One of the reasons why I want
actually do photography for it

is because I... I grew up with it.
I love it so much.

Yes, yes, yes, we all grew up with it.

- It's a very funny show.
- Yeah, it's hilarious.

- You're Kyle, correct?
- I'm what?

- Your name is Kyle.
- Kyle, yeah.

Yeah.

It was a very peculiar video interview.

- I just answered the question...
- I'll review the footage.

I'll review the footage with...

excruciating detail.

It seems if you have so much time
to talk to me now,

why wouldn't we just
do the interview in person?

- It doesn't work like that.
- Okay.

You'll be receiving an email.

Okay.

And then we can take this thing
to the next level.

- I would love that.
- I'm thinking telephone.

Uh... Okay.
So, this, a confirmation email,

then a telephone call
for me to come in person

to have an interview with you?

No.

But you'll see.

They all see in the end.

Hey Timothy?

- Uh...
- I really, um...

Me, the only person in the room.

- You, Kyle.
- Yeah. Kyle.

Kyle, was it?

- Kyle.
- Go, Kyle.

I just wanna say I've been
watching your show for a long time.

I'm sure everybody says this,
but I'm, like... I'm a huge fan.

And if I start here,
I don't know where I go,

but I will work my ass off for you.
I guarantee that.

I couldn't say that in the interview,
'cause they asked me to be a gazelle.

Yes, it did, didn't it?

Well, that's very...

kind of you.

I can't wait for you to hear that last...

Oh, shit.

I got an email.

That was quick.

Let me have it read itself.

Uh...

I could read it
if it doesn't want to read itself.

- You're...
- Or maybe...

Your Postmates order is ready.

That's not how Postmates works.

Usually just comes up on the app.

- Uh...
- Hey, hey, hey, Kyle.

Hey, man, how'd it go?

- Dude, it went amazing.
- That's great.

Yeah, what's up, man?

Oh, no, I hit your microphone
a little bit.

Oh, no, I hit your microphone a lot a bit.

How do you think we fix it?

I'm wearing a microphone?

Someone will come on stage
if it fucked everything up.

I think I fixed it. Don't touch it.

Hey, what's up, man?

- You didn't establish your name, right?
- No.

- Hey, Sawson? Let me say something.
- Yeah.

I got in there, and no joke...

I went there.
I talked right to this computer,

right to the computer
that was in there, right?

I did this whole thing.
And I think I did pretty well

because afterwards,
Timothy III came up to me.

- You talked to Timothy III?
- Yeah, dude.

Weird.

Did you get in... Did you get your...

Yeah, I did the video interview, yeah.

Well, how did it go, man?

Hey, um...

Did they, uh...

- This is gonna sound so dumb.
- No, Sawson, come on. We're friends.

Did they, uh...

ask you to get fucked by a gazelle
as a gazelle?

Sorry, I missed it.

Did they ask me to get fucked?
Say it again?

Like, in a mime situation.

Yeah, I played a gazelle. I was a gazelle.

Okay, how far did you get?

Because...

In mine, after I ate the grass,
he made me...

- Yeah, I ate the grass.
- Okay.

How did you do it?

Can you show me?
I feel like my gazelle was weird.

- I mean, I don't know what I...
- Just show me what you did.

If it's a minute long,
I'll occupy every minute.

So, I hopped right in there.
I'm bouncing around.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's a good gazelle.

That's a good gazelle, yeah.

And then, I'm eating the grass, right?

Oh, yeah! Fuck!

Fuck. Now, yeah, fuck.

And then he says,
"There's a male gazelle behind you."

- I'm like, okay.
- Yeah, and then I stopped.

And that was where it stopped for me.

'Cause I took so long in the beginning,
they only had...

No, it stopped for me there, too.

Sawson.

That's cool
that Timothy III talked to you.

Did Timothy III talk to you?

No.

Hey, can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

Look at me.

I already am.

Did you have to pretend
to get fucked by a bigger gazelle?

I got kids, man.

I know, man.

That's why it's insane to me
you're applying for an internship.

- I know it pays, but it's not a lot.
- I got kids.

I got kids, I'm in college...

I know. It's a scenario that happens.

Sawson, what happened?

The male gazelle took me.

Daddy, what did you say?

Uh...

Go to bed, Pawson.

I was trying to, but you were making
so much noise up here.

It's just me and Kyle. We're talking.

What's up, Kyle?

Oh, what... what's up?

Hey, it's cool to be in college, right?

- Yeah.
- Cool to be in college.

Yeah, you should go.

Fraternities!

- What?
- Fraternities!

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Us two photography students
are definitely in a fraternity.

Hey, when I grow up,
I want to be just like you.

- M... Me?
- Yeah.

You sure
you don't wanna be like your old man?

I heard you got fucked by a gazelle.

Alright.

Huh. What a cool kid.

Whoever gets the job, who cares?

- We're supposed to get the email in a bit.
- You're right. I know, and I...

I got some leads on some other stuff,
but I don't want to fucking do it.

I want the leads on your shit.

I don't want to fucking take pictures
for The New York Times.

That's a huge...

The New York Times!

Dude, it's a huge publication.

I want to do comedy!

I mean, there's some funny stuff
in The New York Times.

They want to send me away, overseas
to get really engaging photos.

That's insane. Is that true?

That's an amazing job.

- Is that your lead?
- Around the world to various conflicts.

That's incredible.

That's what they're offering?
You got that job?

I want to do jokes and bits.

When do you have your callback interview
for The New York Times?

- Is it soon?
- Yeah.

- It's... today.
- Great.

Take it seriously. That job is amazing.

For real, Saws. For real.

Alright.

Yeah, I guess. When's your callback...

I mean, I got an email that says I should
be expecting a fucking fax pretty soon.

And if the fax goes well,
I'm going to have this phone call...

with, possibly, Timothy III.
I don't mean to rub it in your face, man.

I know you got a kid
and you're in college, but it's like...

But that New York Times thing.
That's huge.

- Yeah, I guess.
- Hey.

Just remember, no matter what,
in 10 years from now,

we're going to take pictures
together, right?

Yeah, what was our promise again?

In 10 years...

we'll be taking pictures together.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

- You're gonna be great, okay?
- And you're gonna be great too.

- Thanks.
- Hope you get that fax.

- I'll go to mine, you go to yours.
- Alright.

Mr. Times?

Yes?

- Uh...
- Sawson!

- Sawson, yeah.
- Sawson.

We're expecting you.

Come, come.

- Door open or closed?
- Huh?

- Door open or closed?
- Well...

Nowadays...

Take a seat.

Sawson, I'll tell you something
before you sit down.

Every moment of this interview,
starting when you sit in that seat

is a part of the interview.

Yes, sir.

Sawson, take a seat.

Why?

'Cause it's... my dream
to take photos, sir.

Okay, I'll give you a hypothetical.

We take you to a foreign country.
We are at arms with them right now. You...

- Boring.
- What?

What?

You must have misheard me.
I'll give you a different scenario.

There's conflict,
conflict at the White House.

The only way we can get in there
is someone has to go in there,

take the photographs
that will give us the story that we need.

Have you ever seen the movie
Mission: Impossible, sir?

Of course not.
I work at The New York Times.

I did a review...
Someone did a review on it once.

But if you want to read it,
you have to get a subscription.

You get to just see this much,
and then you have to pay.

Continue.

Well...

I get a harness...

put myself in the harness.

I get to the roof.

How I got to the roof,
I can't tell you that.

But I'm there.

I find the vent.

I go in the vent.

- I'm squirming around in there.
- Good.

People in the White House
are like, "What's that sound?"

- Right.
- If I need to, I'll whisper,

"Nothing, don't worry about it."

Sawson, this is very good.

Sawson, this is very good and nothing like
Mission: Impossible so far.

I'm squirming around.

I get to the exit vent
where the documents are held.

What are you gonna do now
if this is your exit vent?

Sawson, what are you gonna do?

I open up the vent...

I attach my harness
to the, to the... top part of the shaft.

Good, good, good. Be general about it.
Don't know much.

- And I lower myself in.
- How fast?

Slow.

What happens if they can hear you?

Is there some way you can
make sure you don't talk too loud?

I go...
"Shh, stop talking so loud."

And there's probably lasers, right?

Yeah, there is.

Now... I may be borrowing this
from another movie, but, uh...

I might do a little of this.

Oh...

Very nice.

Very nice!

Do you know what's insane?
I totally forgot about that movie,

and the second you did that,

I realized
I watched just that part 100 times.

- I can't believe how perfect that was.
- All teenage boys did.

- Yeah!
- Yes!

Uh, isn't it fun being a teenage boy?

Sir, you're a teenager?

Well, I'm in college right now.

Mr. Times, you're in college?

- Well, yes.
- Me too.

The only way to keep up with the Times
is to take someone who's younger.

Keep up with the Times is my family.

Keeping Up with the Times
is my reality show.

That worked out well.

I like you.

I like you a lot.

Oh, really?

Yeah, really.

You know, we have this stupid thing
the guys are trying to put on me.

- Right?
- What?

They want to start a new humor section
of The New York Times.

- Ha.
- I know. Ha, ha, ha, ha. How stupid!

Who'd want to take pictures
of comedians laughing... goofing around?

You're hard, sir.

Uh...

It's nothing much, really? I mean...

it's a... humble nine inches.

Humble nine?

It's a short nine.

Short nine?

Yeah, she's a short nine, sir.

Oh, this?

- She's a short nine.
- She's a short nine.

I hope something happens,
like hashtag shortnine.

- Hashtag shortnine.
- I told that guy to go fuck himself.

No!

Sir, uh...

I know it's hardly my place.

I'm a potential intern.

I don't even have the job yet.

But... to be truthful, sir,

uh, comedy is a passion of mine.

Yeah, right. Tell me one joke.

Make me laugh.
Make The New York Times laugh.

If...

What... does the sound a... doodie make?

- What sound does a doodie make?
- To remind you,

you're interviewing
for The New York Times.

And right now, you've asked me:

"What does the sound a doodie make?"

The New York Times.

Many call it the top of the top.

- The most prestigious, the most brainy...
- I understand, sir.

You don't flip to the back and see a pun.

You flip to the back and you see...

Well, the back... it's different.

But the front...

The titles grab you!

So, your question to me is:

"What does the sound a poopy make?"

- "Doodie," sir.
- What...

I find that in humor,
wording is very important.

Very good.

What does the sound a doodie make?

That person has eaten
way too much fiber.

Can you not?

The mustache, sir.

It's new.

Alright.

Expect a letter.

Hey, yeah, this is... this is he.

Timothy?

Go to the corner of 42nd and 1st.

You want me to do what?

Be there at 3:00 p.m.
on the corner of 42nd and 1st.

I am on 42nd and 2nd.

So, I have to go one block east.
It's about, uh...

I guess it'll take
like two and a half minutes.

Oh. You're pretty close. Okay, well...

What am I looking for?

There's a ton of cars.
This is New York City.

Look for the...

Oh, God.
Look for the white Ford Fiesta.

It's a custom license plate.

What does the license plate say?

It's a custom one. It says, "GOOFS."

"GOOFS1."

Okay, yeah. Do you want me to jump in?

- Enter.
- Enter.

Uh, there's...

There's, uh...

What the fuck?

- Kyle.
- Timothy.

- The...
- Third.

Yes.

Oh.

Excellent.

I believe we do this in this car.

Safety first.

Not me.

Actually...

What's wrong?

Hey...

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey. What's wrong, man?

Everybody takes photos
of the good times...

the "ha-has,"

the knee slappers...

but nobody takes photos of... me.

This character makes me nervous.

- Why?
- Because...

It's just... I'm worried about it
being too real.

Okay. For you personally?

Or for who... whom the bell tolls?

- For whom the bell tolls?
- Okay.

In order to make me feel better about it,
can we give him something

that really makes him totally different?

Sure.

Uh, he's got webbed feet.

Okay.

And also I own a cat farm.

How's your cat farm?

Great!

Great. A pond in the middle.

I swim like fucking lightning
through that.

- Great.
- Alright, I feel better.

Oh, no.

One real thing of emotion.

Yes, but...

I'm nervous it's not going to happen...
at the show.

- Come on. Your show is...
- We've gotta go elsewhere for it!

Where do we have to go?

- Overseas.
- No.

Yes!

You've got to capture
the goofs and the spoofs,

and even the real moments overseas.

I'm talking in war-torn countries.

No, it sounds like
you're literally sending me

to some sort of New York Times mission.

The New York Times.

- That's your villain?
- That's my rival.

The sketch show's rival

- is The New York Times.
- The New York Times!

Okay.

Hey, don't look at me.

I own a cat farm.

- Sure.
- I'm a simple cat farmer.

Sure. Sure. Sure.

- Uh. All right.
- Here we are.

Hey, man, you can't stop here.

Hey, sorry. My friend owns a cat farm.

We're just trying to get to the airport,
to JFK.

All right.

Okay.

You want this job, don't you?

I need this job, but what I wanna do is
take pictures of comedians and stuff.

I don't wanna go to different places

where battles are happening
and take pictures.

It's the only thing I could think of.

I'll talk to you soon, I guess.

Yes.

I guess I'll get on a plane
to a different battlefield.

Alright, sure.

Hey.

Oh. Sorry.

Yes.

Sorry.

Sorry, I just need to take a shit
before I get on the flight.

All right, man.

- Good to know.
- Sorry.

Hey, uh, hey... buddy.

I am sorry.

I didn't know
you were zipping up your fly. I'm sorry.

It's alright.

I'll take a sh...
I guess I'll take a shit.

People don't usually just say "Hey" to me
in the bathroom.

- Then I'll say it.
- Do I know you?

- No, no, no, no.
- Oh, okay.

I'm a college student
that's about to go to war.

Alright.

Have a good flight.

- Alright. Well, really nice to meet you.
- Yeah.

Really nice to meet you.

What a good dude.

What a good fucking dude.

What a nice guy.

Oh, my God.

- What's happening? What's happening?
- I'm reading The New York Times!

They got this new comedy column.

The photos...

Are they funny?

Oh, my God! They're hilarious.

- What's the guy's...
- Unbelievable! I'm from New York!

I'm from New York. I'm at JFK.

That's a perfectly plausible thing.

I'm... I'm from New York also.

I grew up in Riverdale,
then moved to Westchester,

but this is how I speak.

Riverdale?

- No, not...
- Like the TV show?

No. It's like...

Never heard of it!

Wow!

Oh, dude, your everything bagel
with cream cheese is on the ground.

Oh, man.

It went cream cheese side down.

- Sorry, dude.
- Ah!

- Very cool, man.
- Set it on my knee, there.

You sound like the most New York person
I've ever met in my entire life.

Are you kidding me?
Born and raised here.

What borough?

Fucking, fucking...

King of Queens, baby.

You're Kevin James?

No, I'm not Kevin James.

I know the guy, though.

I'm just kidding.

You know...
I just... I'm from Queens.

Okay.

You got a favorite restaurant over there?

Yeah. Are you kidding?

It's this Italian spot.
They do incredible meatballs.

These guys, though, they are from Italy.

I mean, they couldn't be
more from Italy if they tried.

Wait.
Do I hear another New Yorker over there?

Sure you do, pal.

Oh, shit.

What's going on?

It's Sal, Sal Galloni.

Hey, Sal. It's me, Frankie Boops.

Frankie Boops? I know youse.

Hey, what's going on, man?

Robert De Niro.

- Bobby D!
- Bobby D, baby!

- Bobby D is a fucking hero.
- Give me a break.

Anyway, uh...

Uh...

we work for the TSA.

That's right.

We work for the TS...

We both took our break at the same time.

That means nobody's really
protecting anybody right now.

And let me tell you...

Both Boops and I...

we love this new comedy column
in The New York Times.

I am reading it right now.
The pictures are fucking hilar...

The pictures are like when Scott Brosius
was fucking batting in the Yankee lineup.

You know what I mean?

Oh, they hit harder than Mark Messier

when he won the '94 Stanley Cup
with the Rangers.

Nice.

Better than John Starks
over Michael Jordan in the playoffs.

- Better than...
- Don't use hockey!

Better than...

Better than...

when...

Jay-Z bought the Brooklyn Hoops.

Hey, you had a nice roll going there.

- Anyway...
- Pretty good, pretty good.

Okay. Okay.

Sorry, buddy. I forgot
you were shitting in between us.

No, it's fine. It's just...

I didn't know The New York Times
had a comedy column.

Dude, I'll slip it to you.
It's fucking hilarious.

- Oh, yeah?
- It is fucking hilarious.

My friend was trying
to get into The New York Times.

- He was pissed because he had to go...
- I don't care about your life.

You know what I mean?

Anyway, enjoy that. I'm done.

- I've got to go TSA.
- These are hilarious.

I gotta go TSA.

I gotta go get a fucking warm pretzel
on the corner.

Hey, take care, man.

Hey, you remember to pull up your pants?

Woopsie do!

Woopsie do!

Hey, quick question.

- Did you wipe?
- Not yet, my man.

Out of sight!

That's how we do it. New York!

If you can make it here, man...

- You can make it anyplace else.
- Yep!

That's good for copyright
for this special.

- Fuck! God!
- Oh, man.

Oh, my God. Fuck!

Ah! Shit!

Is that the...

Sorry, man, I just see...
Is that The Times down there?

Oh, yeah.
I guess some of the pages fell out.

Yeah.

I, uh, I take pictures for it.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Um... Oh, man. Hey, do you take pictures
of this comedy column?

- Because it's hilarious.
- Yeah. It's me, actually.

Are you sure? Because I'd probably
recognize your voice.

You're my best friend.

Are you fucking serious?

Sawson? No, am I Sawson?

Am I?

Yeah, you're Sawson.

Kyle!

So, describe the photo I'm looking at
that I think is so funny.

You're probably looking at the one
where it's like a kid in the corner,

but he's slipping on a banana peel.

And this happened in, uh...

- Norway.
- Yeah. That's in Norway.

Yeah.

The war-torn country of Norway.

- When will those guys sort things out?
- When will we figure that out?

- When will we figure those guys out?
- When will we figure that thing out?

- So...
- How's your thing going?

- Man, you're not gonna believe this, man.
- Tell me.

I'm going overseas.

I'm shipping out.

- What are you talking about?
- I'm shipping out to Norway,

but I'm not taking hilarious
comedy photos.

I'm taking intensely graphic,
engaging photos of their...

civil war?

The Norwegian Civil War.

The East versus the West.

- The East versus the West of Norway?
- Yeah.

Norway is a very long...

- Yeah.
- ...north-south country.

I know. It's crazy.
It's right down the middle.

- We're splitting this thing.
- Yeah.

Yeah, man, I mean...

- It's crazy.
- Yeah.

Yeah, man.

- Hey, can I tell you something?
- Yeah.

I don't know
if I wanna be a photographer.

What are you talking about?

I don't think I ever wanted
to be a photographer.

Did you ever think
at the beginning of this process,

"Do you actually want to do this?"

- Well, yeah. I mean...
- I like taking photos.

What's... What's changed?

Everybody takes photos now.

It's on your phone.
Everybody's taking photos.

Yeah, but lighting, composition...

uh, uh... Canon 5D.

Yeah, that is a type of camera.

Well, uh... here's your work. Huh.

Yeah. I don't need it. I took it, so...

I just think I'm disappointing...

Is that how you wipe in real life?

I give it a spit sometime.

How do you wipe in real life? For real.

- I just showed you.
- No.

How big did it start as, just so I know?

I get so much pride

out of efficiently and carefully
folding my TP...

I can't tell you.

All right, man.

- I guess I'll...
- Look at us...

I guess we both got what we wanted and...

it's not really, in the end,
what we needed.

Yeah, it feels like...

Yeah, man.

Um...

It feels like in the end, it's like...

Maybe we didn't know what we wanted.
Maybe we were young

and just went after a job
we think was something we wanted,

but in the end, it's not that way at all.

Is that...

is that the moral of the story
for this fucking guy?

Well, it's my... That's my story.

- I don't know what you feel.
- I tell you what.

I mean...

- This may seem crazy.
- No, it's not going to seem crazy.

If you're not that into it,
or it could be just the subject matter.

Maybe you didn't actually like
taking photos of goofs,

silly things,
people slipping on banana peels.

"What does doodies sound like?"

Maybe you need something real.

- Like what?
- Real emotion.

It's funny, actually,

that's what Timothy III wants
more than anything.

I want to capture the real emotion.

I want what you have.

Taking funny pictures of people
that are in trouble?

Okay.

Go. Tell me we what you're thinking.

- Crazy.
- I fucking love it. Go! We're in JFK.

From this point on...

I assume your identity.

- How are we gonna do that?
- I cease to be Kyle...

- and I become Sawson.
- Sawson.

And then I stop being Sawson...

- You become Kyle.
- Great.

I take your kid.
He likes me better anyway.

So far, I love this.

I'm taking photos of jokes and funnies.

Yeah, and I get to take photos
of Timothy III being emotional.

Okay, well...

No one's going to really buy it.
I mean, we look kind of different.

I know, but we haven't really
given ourselves characteristics

that make it seem different.

I can perform an ancient ritual

to switch bodies.

I'm a fucking asshole.
I make a big fucking ball of it.

I don't care. Fuck it.

Paper comes from fucking wherever I want.
There's no consequences of my action.

I'll just do a big old fucking thing
and wipe once,

and then do another one,
and wipe it again.

- That's what I do. That's what I do.
- Yeah, that fucking... Who cares?

Who cares? There's no consequences.

It doesn't fucking matter.
We're all gonna drown in plastic anyway.

Eleven years. Eleven years,
that's what the UN says.

Anyway...

What a twist for the New Yorker.

- I'm not a... I am a New Yorker.
- Hey. Come here. Come here.

What do we have to do
for the body thing?

Hold on.

Yeah. Fuck it. Who cares?

I'm that guy.

I just pat it once,
throw it fucking wherever.

And I use this
because energy's fucking free.

I didn't think that New Yorkers
were assholes until this moment.

Alright, in order to perform
the ancient body-switching ritual...

I can't believe you know this.

- Of course I know it. I'm from Queens.
- You're from Queens... Okay.

What do we have to do?

Embody...

the form of a gazelle.

I, um... I don't want... I don't want to.

You must embody the form of a gazelle.

It is the only...

animal that lets people switch bodies.

Just do it. Come on, just do it.

- Just do it. Just do it.
- Alright. I'm fine.

Good. Good.

Look at each other right in the eyes.

Yeah, look at each other.

Now, one of you turn around.

Please, man.

I got fucked last time.

- You did get fucked.
- Yeah.

Okay, so you know what it's like.
You can do it again.

I know.

You don't know
if he's going to make us fuck?

- Yeah, so turn around.
- Go for it.

Rock paper scissors, shoot. One.

- Okay?
- One and done?

That's it. It goes:
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.

- Okay.
- Okay?

- Whoa! Is that what you're going to do?
- No!

- Okay. Ready?
- Okay.

Here we go.
I think I know what you'll do.

- Okay.
- Because of what you threw down.

- I'm almost certain I can get this. Ready?
- Okay.

- I'm 100% certain I'm going to beat you.
- Okay.

In real life,
I really think I'll beat you.

- Okay.
- For real.

- Yeah, I think...
- I am so certain.

I actually think you will too.

'Cause I think
I'm in your head a little bit now.

- Yeah.
- Okay. Ready?

This is probably why
I'm going to get fucked.

We're animals.
We're not people fucking each other,

and it's consent and everything.

Yeah, this is two gazelles consenting...

- Yeah.
- ...who gets to fuck who

via a one-and-done
rock paper scissors, shoot.

Ready?

- Alright.
- I know you're gonna lose.

I for real know.

I think so too.

And I don't know why I'm scared.

- It doesn't matter.
- No.

This has no consequence.

It will be recorded forever.
So if you lose, everyone will know.

Everybody knows I'm shit
at rock paper scissors.

You can change your answer now.

I'll change mine if you change yours.
Tell me if you'll change.

- No.
- Neither was I, you fucking idiot.

- Ready?
- Yeah.

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!

Go on, get it over with!

Whoa!
You're not supposed to fuck each other!

What the fuck is going on?

- What?
- What the fuck is going on?

- Come on, I got a fucking soft nine.
- Soft nine?

Not a short, not a long?

Okay.

Now, both you guys look the same way
so I can get the energy flowing that way.

What the fuck was that?

- We just look the same way?
- Come on. Yeah, that's it.

- Come on, Hudson River. Let's go.
- Are we still gazelles?

You're a gazelle.
Get down on the fucking ground, man.

- I don't know.
- Here we go.

Dude, you were gonna fuck me, man.

I thought that's what you wanted.

I didn't want any of this!

Hey, George Washington Bridge!

- Okay.
- Alright.

What?
We're at the George Washington Bridge?

No, I'm just saying New York things.
FDR Drive.

Remember when it was the 1-9?

Okay. Turn around, look that way.

Look that way.

Look that way. You're looking that way.
Okay. Here we go.

Where's he lo...? Where am I looking?

- Both look that way.
- Okay.

You gotta stare at the other guy,
just like that while he looks that way.

- Ready?
- So, I'm staring at his butt?

- Yeah. Okay. Ready?
- Okay.

Um, okay.

Ah, fucking Big Apple.

Empire State Building.

- Fucking Sbarro.
- Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

- Ah...
- Whoa...

Bruh...

Whoa!

Where the fuck am I? Where are we?

- We're in the JFK men's bathroom.
- Okay.

God you were so...
That was great.

I'm... you!

I'm you.

Let's say our names at the same time
to see who we think we are.

- Wait. Who we were, or who we are now?
- Who we are now.

- One, two, three. Sawson.
- Kyle.

Yes!

Great!

Where you going?

But I... Just to refresh...

I'm actually Sawson.

Correct. Who's now Kyle.

And my desire as Sawson
was to do comedy.

- Yes.
- Okay.

- Yeah, but was stuck doing...
- Okay.

No.

No. No.

I want to do... I thought I wanted
to do comedy. Now I want to... No.

Kyle... Kyle got the interview at...

Weekend Is All Happy.

- Kyle got that interview. Now, he's not...
- Kyle doesn't want to.

He was on his way,
the one who first sat down at JFK.

- So, Kyle wanted Sawson's body...
- Yes.

...because Sawson...

Fuck. What?

Okay. Ready?

- Kyle...
- How did we lose this?

Uh, no, we're great! We're great!

Kyle was sitting right there.

- Right?
- Yeah.

- Kyle was...
- He was about to go on a plane

and take pictures of emotions.

- Right?
- But did he want to?

- No.
- Okay.

Kyle wanted to do what Sawson was doing.
Sawson wanted to do what Kyle was doing.

- Okay.
- So, Kyle now...

And Saw...
Ready? So, Kyle...

Kyle has turned into Sawson.

Right? I'm Sawson now because of that.

And now, because of that,

I'm going to do what Kyle wanted.

Which was?

Which was the opposite of what...

So, wait. So, wait.

Okay, hold on.

I am Sawson. No, I am Kyle.

But I am Sawson within Kyle.

And I want to take comedy photos.

- That's it.
- Yeah.

- That's it.
- And you're...

- um, Kyle within Sawson.
- Yes.

And you wanna go take dramatic,
overseas, emotional photos.

That's right. So your name is?

- Your outer name.
- Kyle. I'm Kyle.

Oh, outer name is Kyle.
My inner name is Sawson.

- This is the problem...
- Hello, my outer name is Kyle,

but my inner name is Sawson,
and I want to take comedy photos.

My inner name is Kyle,
and my outer name is Sawson,

and I want to take dramatic people.

Thanks
for sharing your stories, gentlemen.

By the way, if we're wrong,

this is the only time in our career
that it's on tape,

so people will know
if we're wrong or not.

- I think you guys are right.
- Okay.

Nice to meet you, man.

What the fuck?

Alright, man, I guess this is so long.

Let's see if we can pull this off.

Hey, if we pull this off...

meet me at the top
of the Empire State Building.

Hey. Of course.

Because you know what?

You know what happens in 10 years?

- Do you remember what happens in 10 years?
- Yeah.

We take photos... together.

Thanks. That's our show!

♪ 'Cause you're too cool
Leopard print dress ♪

♪ Need to confess
Don't waste more time ♪

♪ And let's go out tonight ♪

♪ Branded under satellite ♪

♪ Look cool ♪

♪ To stay full ♪