Middleditch & Schwartz (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Law School Magic - full transcript
Law students, aliens and the state of Maryland all play a major role as Thomas and Ben create a classroom full of bizarre characters.
[audience cheering]
Ladies and gentlemen,
that's Thomas Middleditch.
- That's Ben Schwartz.
- We're Middleditch and Schwartz.
- Oh, what fun.
- What fun.
You know what I realized
when we were clapping?
Because, we're filming this.
The higher we look, the more people
it looks like are in the audience.
So, it's like this in the balcony,
second balcony, third balcony...
Oh, my God.
We're playing to a stadium
of 40,000 people.
- This is...
- In terms of the special.
Forty thousand.
A person in the very last row, scream.
[audience screaming]
That person is seven miles away.
And that person is my dad.
Thank you, Dad.
Thank you, Daddy.
Really crappy that he got
the worst seat in the house. [chuckles]
- But I worked hard for it.
- Thank you, Daddy.
Does anyone say it like that
to their actual dad?
"Thanks, Daddy."
A round of applause.
Who here, man or woman,
has said, "Thank you, Daddy,"
to your actual father?
[fewer cheering]
Alright, sure.
- Sure.
- All right, sweetheart.
Yeah sure, just be back by 11:00.
- Thank you, Daddy.
- Yes.
Well, I'm going to watch Forged In Fire.
I'm a dad. [chuckling]
I am very excited.
- Okay. Alright.
- We are very excited to be here
to perform long form improv.
This is what we're gonna do.
We're gonna make up every word,
every character, every sentence.
Everything will be made up on the spot.
This show... What we usually say
and what I almost said is,
this show exists in this moment
for us and nobody else,
but that is very different today.
It's going to be recorded
and put online in perpetuity.
This is what's going to happen.
We'll ask the audience a question.
And what we want from that
is not a joke answer.
We want to go back and forth with you
and have a little conversation,
and that will be the inspiration
for our show.
- Thomas.
- Is there anything, uh...
you know... something to think about.
Is there anything that's coming up
in the near future
that you're either excited about
or maybe dreading perhaps?
Elections!
- My birthday!
- Finals!
- Anniversary!
- My in-laws!
I heard...
Finals...
- I like finals, I think maybe.
- Alright.
- Well, let's ask a little bit.
- That's the first one we heard.
- Yeah, let's pry into that.
- Okay.
- Who said finals?
- I did.
Right here. And you're the first
who said, "Hello, Daddy." Correct?
Are you...? Is this for the end of it,
for the whole thing?
Law school!
It's my first semester of law school.
[both] First semester of law school!
There's probably so much studying,
I'm assuming.
There's so many things.
What's article 3.12 A?
You've got to study.
Is it here at NYU?
No, I go to... it's out of Harrisburg.
- I go to Widener.
- Where's Harrisburg?
Harrisburg sounds like a battle
from the Civil War.
Harrisburg sounds like like
5,000 lost on both sides.
"But it was a turning point..."
That's it.
Harrisburg sounds like
a History Channel bit...
- For dads.
- ...for dads.
There might be aliens in Harrisburg,
so you're fine.
- That guy with the thing.
- Aliens in Harrisburg?
Thank you for that. [chuckles]
Give us a taste of what
law school has been like...
- Yeah.
- ...and who you hang out with.
I still work full-time during the day,
- so I go at night.
- What do you work as?
I work for an insurance company.
I do customer service.
- Insurance company. Okay.
- Customer service. Insurance.
- So, you're double timing it.
- Customer service.
And I have kids. So, you know.
- And you've got kids?
- And you have kids!
[Thomas] Do you have a favorite
or least favorite professor at law school?
I do.
And it's a thumbs up or a thumbs down?
Uh, they're all thumbs up,
all really good.
But my Contracts professor
is pretty funny.
- A cool teacher.
- This teacher's pretty cool.
Yeah.
Pretty cool teacher.
You are juggling quite a few things,
and you're pulling it off,
which is impressive.
What's the most exciting part of it?
What's the scariest part of it?
Scariest part is when I talk to my kids,
and my younger son tells me
that he's really excited
that I'm going to change the world.
And I want to change the world,
but he wishes I could be home.
- So, that's...
- That's real.
For those of you in the back
that didn't hear...
she's upset that she wants
to change the world
and her son says,
or her youngest kid says,
"I'm just upset you're
not home more often."
Oh, you didn't hear. Okay.
So, that's your youngest son.
You have another kid as well?
I have an older son, yes.
- So, you have two sons.
- Yeah.
And what's the older son like?
He likes board games.
He likes Magic.
We love board games.
- We love magic. This kid sound great.
- He loves MTG?
- MTG?
- Yeah.
Tapping all the powers and the mana?
Hell yeah.
And what do you do?
- I teach my kids Magic. It's terrible.
- You teach your kids magic?
- Yeah.
- Are you a big magic fan?
- Okay, give me one more.
- You're thinking about magic,
and we're talking Magic.
You're not talking about magic?
You're talking about Magic?
Yeah. Tap, tap, tap.
I'm sorry, you're talking about Magic?
And not, like... magic?
Yeah.
Okay. So you're the one
who teaches them Magic.
They like to hide, like, toy spiders,
and stuffed animals,
in really awkward places
like the fucking shower.
They're goofing you.
They're playing pranks.
You got prankies, you got pranky goofs.
Pranky goofs.
Anything else about that law school
we need to know or no?
There's, uh... interesting...
Yeah, keep going.
- There's an interesting...
- Interesting group of people.
So, we run the gamut
from mid 20s, 30s most of the people...
And then there's a gentleman
who likes to remind us
that he's from Maryland and he is...
There's a guy who likes
to remind you that he's from Maryland.
- I want to repeat so everybody can...
- Literally.
- take that in.
- He's from Maryland.
- So nothing he learns applies.
- Nothing he learns applies.
Uh, everything that he talks about,
he will...
Two of our four professors are women.
So he likes to "mansplain"
the things that they teach him back.
He's mansplaining the female professors.
- He ignores...
- No, the other students.
- No, the professors.
- The professors.
Ah, ah, ah...
But he's from Maryland, though.
- I feel like you don't get it.
- He's also like...
- Let me explain it to you.
- And, honestly, that makes sense.
- Okay, that's terrible, it's terrifying.
- Okay, that's great.
- That's good.
- What else we got?
Every time another woman,
another female student, talks,
he likes to then raise his hand,
and basically say exactly the same thing
that we said,
- except as a statement...
- What a bummer.
Are you happy?
I think that's enough.
I think it's great.
Give it up one time, everybody.
- Yeah.
- Thank you very much.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we present to you,
Middleditch and Schwartz.
[audience cheering]
Um...
Just making sure nobody's cheating.
Right?
This is the test?
Are you studying right now?
- Yeah.
- Okay, good. Great.
I'm taking a private test. [female tone]
Yes. She's...
She's taking a private test right now.
I'm taking a private test
that no one else is taking,
but you want to make sure
that I'm not cheating.
- Right.
- Got it.
- You can keep doing what you're doing.
- Okay.
Good to see you.
[mouthing] I'm so nervous.
[mouthing] I don't know.
I barely know what I'm doing.
[mouthing] I'm taking that test...
next week.
[mouthing] You're taking this test?
Do you want the answers?
[mouthing] I can give them to you.
Hey!
[mouthing] This is great!
I know.
Ah...
Yes, Stanley?
- Stanley... from Maryland?
- Yeah.
I just...
want to make sure that...
everyone's eyes are looking around
to make sure that nobody's cheating.
Especially, um...
the women in the class. [chuckles]
Why would we be cheating?
I just feel, just if you look at...
I feel like if we delved into the stats...
- Okay.
- If we delved into the stats,
we'd find probably a little bit more
instances of cheating amongst...
women...
is my stance.
And like...
fucking...
turtles are our mascot. [chuckles]
Uh...
Anyway, if you're going to walk,
make sure you do
one foot in front of the other.
- Thank you, Stanley.
- You got it.
Thank you.
Hey, thank you.
Yea. Thank you. Yea.
Alright.
[gasps] Alright, are you finished?
Yeah, I'm all set.
Thank you.
I'm going to grade this right here.
In front of everybody?
I'm sorry you failed.
[gasps]
If I failed, then honestly,
I'm going to leave this room forever.
Yeah!
Leave this room forever!
Yeah, there's, like,
way more other students here, too.
Yeah.
Great.
Fine.
I'll leave.
And I'm never coming back.
- Alright, take care.
- My name is Christina.
And I'm never coming back.
Who cares?
Alright, Christina.
Christina, do you know that, uh...
that cotton blend you're wearing
looks stupid? Take care.
I love this cotton blend.
Which... reminds me, class... um...
If I can remind anyone...
[chuckles] Uh...
I want you guys
to take this test seriously.
I know we've...
had a bunch of laughs here.
[both laughing]
You're so funny.
Ah...
I know we've goofed around a lot,
but... uh...
I'm serious.
I'm... uh...
I'm serious now, okay?
And...
I really want to see
you guys pass and I'm...
I can't play favorites here, you know?
We all loved Christina.
And we didn't want to see her go,
- especially permanently.
- Yeah.
So, I don't want to see the same thing
happen to you guys,
so please take the test seriously.
And let's all agree that we can
take the test together next time.
Absolutely.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Alright.
- Knock, knock...
Wait. Alright.
Who's there?
- Boo.
- Boo who?
[both laughing]
I'm not crying.
Whoa!
Yeah. [screaming]
[gasps] Uh...
Whoa!
I'll just write on the board
for a little bit.
Hey, Teach?
Yeah?
Uh...
I just want to say
you've really inspired us.
At least me, and I'm sure all of us.
And I want to say I'm just...
I am going to pass. I know it.
And... I don't know.
I really wanted to help change things
for the better. You know?
- That's amazing.
- Yeah.
Hey, that's why we're here.
You know what I mean?
We're trying to change things
for the better.
- Right?
- Exactly.
More protections
for Executive power.
No. No.
The President can do no wrong.
The President can do no...
Ah...
Sto... Stop chanting.
[laughing loudly]
Fuck you, Nigel!
No. Stop chanting.
I'm from Maryland, okay?
- I know.
- We chant.
Some of us are from different countries.
And some of us just want to pass the class
so we can thrive here.
Okay?
You're from another country?
Yes.
- Where are you from?
- I'll never tell. [chuckles]
Yes, and some of us
are from right here in America.
There's no fucking way.
There's no fucking way
you're from America.
Yes, I am from one of the 50 states.
Much like you are from Maryland.
I am from Maryland.
Yes, yes.
We never will forget that.
Very cool.
Yes, very cool.
- Very cool.
- Yes, look at us...
We are three males in the class.
Why are you...? Okay.
Yes, and there is one...
What... Let's say our names.
I'm Nigel.
- You know me. I'm Nigel.
- Yes, yes.
And your American name?
My American name?
My normal... [stuttering]
It's always been my name.
Sss...
You shouldn't have to think so hard.
Stanley.
So, we have two Stanleys.
Yes.
- Okay.
- Yes.
I just...
You know, for variety's sake.
Let's put it on the board.
- Two Stanleys.
- Yea. [laughs]
- Stanley and Stanley.
- Seems a bit late
to be coming acquainted
with one another,
but I think it's important.
The good news is we haven't
taken the test yet.
It's later on so we can pack
any piece of knowledge
we want to enter our brains right now.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Alright?
Like, listen first of all...
Contracts, right?
- Yes, yes good.
- Sounds boring, right?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
What if I take this contract,
take the first piece out,
fold it up like an airplane?
What the fuck was that?
I don't know, Teach, what was it?
I don't know.
Why don't you ask your kids? [chuckling]
What the fuck?
Was that supposed to be a punchline?
- Yeah, did you like it?
- Not really.
- Sort of felt antagonistic.
- Oh...
I've... I get it.
American humor.
Uh, uh, uh...
What else, Teach?
Okay.
Every contract ends
with a little line at the bottom
where you sign that name. Right?
You put your little John Hancock
down there.
Am I right?
Yeah, John Hancock.
Not Jenny Hancock.
It could be Jenny Hancock.
I don't know, man.
Anyway...
Soon as you do that,
it's legally binding.
[chuckling]
[laughing] Are you fucking surfing?
Wow.
Whoa!
Mm...
We don't play that here.
- Right, we don't.
- Stanley.
Of course. We don't.
Teach, I'm nervous for the test to be.
[with accent]
You've changed.
Mm, unless there's another class member...
No, no, no, I'm Stanley.
I'm Stanley. [with accent]
- I'm Stanley?
- [laughing]
I'm Stanley?
Wait. What's...
Hey, what's your name again?
- I'm Stanley.
- Great.
- Yes. Okay.
- You're Stanley.
- Yes.
- I'm Stanley.
I'm Stanley.
Great.
Stanley.
Is that what you wanted to say?
I guess I don't have to say it.
It's written on the board. So...
- Now you're sounding like me!
- Fuck!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
What is the meaning of this poppycock?
Hey, Nigel, come on.
- We're having fun.
- Now, listen...
We also established, I think,
that there was someone else,
but I can't remember.
I think there's someone right here.
I think it's a girl, but I...
Okay...
- Alright.
- 'Cause I can't re...
Am I wrong?
I don't... I'm not sure.
I actually don't
look behind me that much.
[in girl's tone] It doesn't matter,
don't pay attention to me.
I'm so so sorry.
- It's fine.
- Randy. Randy?
I'm Randy the girl.
I had friends that were
women named Randy growing up.
- Yeah, well you got another one, I hope.
- There you go.
I don't know, if you want to be my friend.
Whatever.
- It doesn't matter.
- No, you should speak up.
- I'm so sorry.
- No. [chuckling]
No.
No, you shouldn't. [harsh tone]
Okay. Is there any questions
anybody has before our test?
Before we get to it,
anything you want to cram.
This is the cram session.
Right, anything you guys
want to talk about, or no?
Randy? Anything?
I couldn't possibly.
Okay.
Nigel, Stanley, Stanley...
Nigel.
It's a personal question. [with accent]
- For me?
- Yeah.
Cool.
What's the thing that gets you
really pumped up about contracts?
You asked a perfect question. [chuckles]
Once you print them out
and you see them right there.
The smell of the paper, right?
But just like you said,
it's just a piece of paper until...
Puff...
you sign that thing
and it is legally binding,
just like I said.
Which means, this piece of paper,
which meant absolutely nothing beforehand,
now has the power of law behind it.
Right? And what does "law" mean?
Everybody together.
- The truth.
- The truth.
Law means... Randy!
Randy. I didn't hear you.
- What does "law" mean?
- The truth.
No.That's Stanley, Randy.
- Oh!
- Randy.
Oh, yes. [girly laugh]
Sorry, it's just we've got
two Stanleys and one Randy.
[stutters]
- The truth.
- The truth.
But... Teach?
Yeah?
What if the contract is digital?
Teach, what if the contract is digital?
[exhales]
Should I have not said anything?
[chuckles]
If the contract's digital...
then there are no rules.
What?
I've been teaching this class
for 30 years.
I'm, I'm... 60.
I'm pretty funny,
I wear my hat backwards,
- Yeah.
- but I'm, straight up, a 60-year-old guy.
I'm still into it...
Daddy.
And no one has ever asked that.
What does it mean when it's digital?
I'm sorry, you're going to have to
find out in the test.
Time's up. Class is dismissed.
Teach? Teach?
Teach?
Teach?
[chuckles] So many doors.
Teach?
Jesus Christ.
Oh, my god.
I didn't mean to.
- It was the first question I asked.
- Way to go, Randy.
It was literally
the first question I asked.
I didn't mean to.
Didn't you know that would
break someone's brain?
No, Stanley, I just assumed
that it would be fine.
Of course you just assumed.
You all do.
I got a tote.
I got a tote bag.
If that's not indicative
of my personality...
Just... fucking tote.
Shoulder tote.
Get out of here, Stanley.
Maybe I will.
It's locked.
We know it's locked.
There's only one. We've learned
there's only one way out.
- There's a couple more doors over there.
- Oh, come on.
Don't go through that door. [with accent]
That's my door.
Stanley, you've got your own private door?
Only I have the key.
So, please, if you don't mind,
don't go through that door.
Right? Sounds a little bit like it.
[laughs]
What's past that door, Stanley?
American stuff.
It's not the...
I mean it's...
It doesn't have anything to do with...
digital contracts, does it?
It's where I keep...
It's where I keep my secret.
Emily?
- Do I have a name?
- No. Emily.
- Yes, I'm Emily.
- I wanted to make sure you knew.
- I'm Emily.
- That's where I keep my contracts.
Stanley, um...
I think...
I just haven't said how...
um... important you've been to this class
to offer, you know, a new...
American perspective.
American pie.
Yeah.
This is crazy.
It's kind of like
The Breakfast Club, right?
- Like, we have the quiet girl.
- Yeah, this is...
We have the quiet girl.
We have the mean jock.
We have the...
American.
We have the know-it-all girl.
- Know it all?
- Know it all.
Emily, you're very smart.
Stanley...
let's just open up your door
and see what's in there.
I mean, I've got to be honest,
the curiosity is killing me.
[stutters]
Who cares?
We all have secrets, right?
Actually, I don't think any one of us
has a secret door in the classroom
we've been spending our entire semester in
where we keep our secrets.
I'd like to know.
What will I get in return? [girl's tone]
Huh?
I have a key, I have a door...
behind the door is, like,
so many secrets...
Yeah?
...that only I know.
I give them to you for what?
What will I get in return?
We'll help you pass the test.
[chuckles]
Hey, why do you assume
that I couldn't pass it?
- I'm the one that knows things.
- Listen...
Okay.
Uh...
I think there's a chance
that maybe you're not from America.
[cautious laugh]
What?
Why would you say that?
Hey, if you're from America...
If you're from America...
If you're from America,
what's the best state
in the whole fucking place?
Maryland.
He's from America! [shouting]
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
We'll help you.
Hey, listen, you said it was a big deal.
You want to pass the test.
What's it going to hurt if all of us help?
I can't promise you
that I can protect you...
from what's behind that door.
Yes, there are secrets to be known,
but there are other things.
Terrible things.
Things that will scar you forever.
I'm sort of turning Werner Herzog now.
Yeah.
Kind of, yeah.
Bounty hunting
is a complicated profession.
Trust us.
We're going to be fine.
Okay.
So... are we all going together?
Yeah, if that's what it takes.
I think safety in numbers
is the best type of...
strategy at this point.
Okay. Come on.
Randy. Come on.
- Randy, come on.
- [stutters]
Stanley.
Put your tote bag down. Come on.
- I can't bring my tote?
- [burst into laughter]
Fine, you can bring your tote.
Stanley's here.
- That's everybody, I think, right?
- Yeah.
Stanley...
Stanley.
- Emily.
- Emily.
- Stanley.
- Stanley.
- Randy.
- Yeah.
[mimicking suspense music]
- It's too dangerous.
- What the hell was that?
What the hell was that?
What the hell was that?
Stanley?
Stanley?
Stanley?
Okay, fine. [with accent]
You are German now.
I think that's kind of
been pretty clear...
Okay.
- I wasn't playing a joke.
- Someone else had difficulty with it,
- but... okay.
- Okay.
I have to tell you.
I'm not really from America.
We know. We know. We know.
Yeah, come on, man.
Uh... you're wearing cinder blocks
as sneakers.
You... you noticed?
Yes.
- Oh, man, that's so crazy.
- Yeah, come on.
Alright, yes.
I'm not from America.
And you're about to find out
exactly where I'm from
by going through this door.
But, fucking watch out.
I haven't.
[chuckles]
This is going to throw a real wrench
in the spokes here.
I feel like...
[laughs] I don't...
I almost don't want to meet this guy...
because, like...
It's just...
Yeah?
No, it makes sense.
You know, like Pandora's Box?
It's like, you want to open it,
but you don't want to open it.
Okay, but we've kind of seen
that something crazy's in there.
I suppose to turn our backs on it now
would be unsatisfying.
Yes!
[chuckles] Oh, man.
Okay, here we go.
This is what's behind my door of secrets.
[alien gibberish]
This fucking guy.
I'm not going...
I'm not going to justify him.
- That's, fucking, someone else's job.
- No! No!
That's an alien.
That is an alien.
I've heard they live here.
There are aliens that were here.
- You've heard they live here?
- Yes.
Stanley, what the fuck
are you talking about?
What are you talking about?
I heard that aliens are here...
Oh my god, what the fuck is he doing?
[alien gibberish]
[alien gibberish]
What do you want?
What do you want?
It's not what he wants.
Blah, blah, blah.
He's been looking for something,
- and he can't find it.
- Wait!
- [chuckles] Just a quick pause.
- Yes?
I'm still here.
Nigel!
And I...
And I know exactly what he wants.
Good old Nigel.
Yes.
Yes.
He's not just any alien.
He's a boy.
[alien gibberish]
Don't let him get too far. [chuckles]
I'll handle it.
- Boy!
- [alien gibberish]
Nigel.
[muffled] Jason!
Jason?
Sweet Jason!
Poor, sweet Jason.
Trapped and alone...
in the Closet of Secrets...
for all this time.
Years, I'm assuming.
Of course...
leave it to a German/Transylvanian to...
lock you up for that long.
- Tell me, boy.
- [alien gibberish]
Do you have any friends
in that Closet of Secrets?
[muffled] No, I don't have any friends.
- I'm all by myself in there.
- You're all by yourself in there.
- And I'm just a boy.
- And you're just a boy.
Sweet, Jason.
Tell me, child.
Sure.
You... do you have but a single friend?
You're lonely, aren't you?
You're a lonely little alien boy
called Jason.
And Nigel figured it out.
We all forgot about Nigel,
but I'm the one figuring it out.
Even though I didn't want
to figure it out.
I wanted nothing to do
with this fucking thing.
- Jason?
- Oh?
I will find you a child.
[muffled] What?
- I will find you a friend.
- Oh! [gibberish]
[muffled] I want a friend.
- Of course you do.
- I want a friend.
- I live in the closet.
- I know.
Stay there. Stay there.
Let me confer with my associates.
Just stay right there.
Right here?
Is that okay?
Is that okay?
- Okay.
- Verbal consent.
- Verbal consent.
- Okay.
Class huddle.
Jesus Christ.
Class huddle. Everyone around.
Nigel, that was fucking amazing.
- Quick. Quick. Quick.
- And you're a man.
Yes.
[both chuckle]
Nigel that was unbelievable...
What...
We need a child.
I am sworn celibate.
And I'm an involuntary...
involun...
I'm an incel.
I would fucking love to, but...
Maryland, so...
And I have never had sex either,
so you know.
[laughing] Fucking virgins?
Randy?
I have two kids.
Randy does?
- No, this is not Randy.
- Okay.
This is Emily.
- Yeah.
- Emily. Randy?
I fuck.
Okay.
But I'm safe about it.
- Okay.
- I'm safe. I don't have any children.
You're safe... not...
So... you fuck all the time.
Yes.
But you, Emily...
You have two children?
Yeah, yeah.
But I don't... I don't...
Let me recap the stakes.
He's just sitting there.
I know, I know,
but the stakes couldn't be higher,
because I'm going to write them out
here on the chalkboard.
When you see the stakes written out,
you're gonna be like, "You're right.
This is critical."
In but days, we are going
to take a test.
A test, that but moments ago,
Christina...
failed so hard she was
banished from the school.
Never to be seen or heard from again.
And may I say...
she got out... no problem.
Easy.
- She got out no problem, but the teacher…
- To be honest, I am envious of Christina.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, she left the room.
Easy peasy.
The teacher went through
the fucking door number three
over there.
So...
it could be because...
of the one thing that she and all of us
did not know,
which is...
What about...
digital contracts?
In order to find out
what the consequences
of signing a digital contract is...
we have to find a child playmate
for Jason the Alien.
It's a classic...
"What the Fuck" plot line.
[muffled] And I'm getting hungry.
[chuckles] Oh boy, and he's hungry.
[muffled] I'm getting hungry.
- Jason!
- Yes?
Hungry for what?
If you say "boys," you're going
to make it real hard to work with you.
- No, no.
- Okay.
Friends not boys.
- You're hungry for friendship.
- I'm hungry for fr...
But I'm also...
I'm also hungry
because I've been in the closet
- for a long time.
- Okay.
And... B story...
Jason's hungry.
So, we're going to see if we can
find some food for Jason the Alien.
- Yes.
- [mumbles]
- I couldn't see her behind the...
- The chalkboard, yes.
Um, and if I don't eat...
I get angry.
- Oh, boy the...
- Write it on the board!
And if... [chuckles]
Which, if unfed, could lead to... anger.
So...
Emily?
Yes.
Can you spare a boy?
What are you saying?
What do you want?
We want one or both of your children.
You want me to abandon my boy?
[laughing]
[continues laughing]
I need you to abandon your child.
Abandon your boy.
- Abandon your boy!
- That's what I thought.
Sounded like it was...
Abandon your child, Emily!
Abandon your boy!
Nigel. [chuckles]
Thank you.
Um...
Well, maybe I'll just do the older one.
I would have to call him.
I mean, this is necessary?
For all of us to live,
I would have to abandon my boy?
Abandon my child, Milkshake?
I believe so.
Okay, I...
Hey... what?
[breathing heavily]
This way, this way... Yeah.
Sweetie?
- What are you doing here?
- Uh...
You're supposed to be home.
I know, well, you haven't come home,
and I thought class was over.
And so, me and the boys, we...
came by to see how things are going.
Magic!
Hey, can I talk to you for a second?
Wait here, Toby, and wait here... Roby.
Yeah, what's going on?
Come to the chalkboard real quick.
Okay.
First of all, thank you
for staying at home.
I don't stay at home.
- I mean, I've got a job...
- Yeah.
You're really helping the family,
and I appreciate that.
Yeah, I mean, you're
going to help the family too.
- Yeah.
- In more ways than one.
You're not only going to help the family,
- you're going to help the world.
- That's right.
- I'm going to change the world.
- Damn straight.
- That's my girl.
- Thank you.
- I love you, baby.
- I'm going to change the world,
and I'm going to come home
for dinner, okay?
Roby?
Magic!
Yu-Gi-Oh! [laughing]
[shouting] Magic!
They've been doing that...
- All day.
- ...all fucking day.
- What's going on here?
- We need to give the alien one of our boys
- or we won't pass the test.
- Why?
- Honey, please, no.
- We won't pass the test.
Yes. Go. Look at it.
Solve it.
[chuckles] Shirts.
Uh...
I mean, I like both of them.
- Yeah, they both have their merits.
- But Roby likes Yu-Gi-Oh, and...
- Yeah. Toby loves Magic.
- Toby's a Magic guy.
- I love Magic.
- You love Magic.
- That's my shit right there.
- Yeah.
Yu-Gi-Oh, like, I don't think
anyone plays Yu-Gi-Oh still.
I guess we'll find out
in the comments or something.
Yeah.
We're going to reignite
this MTG/Yu-Gi-Oh feud
because, I tell you what, hands-down,
I'm going to give the kid
who plays Yu-Gi-Oh up.
Like, honestly, I'm honestly happy
this conundrum is here.
It's so easy for me, it's crazy.
[kid's voice] Me?
Roby!
I...
Come here, bud. Come here.
Come here, bud.
Come here, buddy.
- Do I have your consent?
- Of course?
- Oh, I love you.
- Hey, pal.
What's up?
Um... you like making new friends, right?
Oh my god, I love making new friends
all the time.
Okay.
Would you like it if one
of those friends was a fucking alien?
Are you kidding me?
I play Yu-Gi-Oh, I would love that.
Looks like this is a match
made in heaven.
What do you want me to do?
I want you to go behind that chalkboard...
and make friends
with an alien called Jason.
I'm surprisingly chill with all of this.
You're a cool dad.
You mean that, pal?
Yeah, I've always respected you, Dad.
I've always... I've tolerated you.
I just want you to know
I think you're the best,
and if I've been a little bit weird
or anything, I'll be better.
I'm growing up. I'm the youngest.
- Okay?
- Yeah.
Fads come and go, but my love for you
will always stay the same.
So what did you want me to do?
Hey, Dad! Uh...
I just want you to know,
I rank Magic: The Gathering
higher than my love for you.
[mimicking magicians]
But it's MTG.
♪ It's Magic ♪
Go that way, Roby.
Toby, can you take a seat?
Out of the way, dork-a-zoid.
Yeah, lap time.
I'm 12.
[both laughing]
- I'm 12. I love my dad's lap.
- Hey, stop. Toby, Toby, Toby...
Get your hair out of your face, Toby.
Get your long hair out of your face.
Yeah, tie it up. [chuckles]
My hair's down to my butt.
I play Magic: The Gathering,
and I love my dad's lap.
I'm Toby!
I've got a million friends.
You want to make one more?
Ah, sure, I guess. If I can fit them in.
Go on the other side
of that chalkboard.
- There's an alien there.
- Alright.
You had a good run.
Urrr?
- Toby.
- [muffled] Jason.
Jason?
Toby?
Toby.
I'm hungry.
Well, I think I got a Snickers.
A candy bar?
A candy bar.
Oh, sorry, I think
I got a generic candy bar.
- I'm hungry.
- Ah...
Let me have it.
Okay.
[alien gulping]
Okay...
What's that card?
- This card?
- What's that card?
- Friend.
- Okay.
- Friend.
- Friend.
Um-huh.
Come to my closet.
Come to your closet?
Come, come.
Okay.
Come, come, little boy. [chuckles]
Should we be doing anything?
Dad?
Jason's taking me to his closet.
Um...
Uh, Jason!
Before you go...
Roger.
What happens...
if the contract is digital?
You've got your boy.
You're not hungry anymore.
It's time for you to live up
to your end of the bargain.
It's time for you to uphold...
the verbal contract.
Emily, if this is what you want, okay...
If you want to be...
a fancy lawyer and change the world,
the only way for that to happen
is for you to give up our... the son
that I like less.
Are you going to be cool in there?
Jason, are you going to treat him okay?
No. [different tone]
- It would have made it easier.
- I'm going to treat him horribly.
First tell us about the digital.
Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
Fair is fair.
Let him talk, guys.
Fair if fair.
But, what did I tell you?
I get the boy.
- I get the boy all to myself.
- Yes, yes.
In my closet.
Yes.
It's just me, also a boy...
and this boy.
Yes.
Great.
What's the difference
between digital contracts?
The only difference...
is that you have to sign...
digitally.
[villain laugh]
- Oh! [grunts with effort]
- Uh, uh, uh.
- We never signed anything.
- Uh?
- We never shook hands.
- Uh?
A contract isn't a contract
until two parties have signed.
- [grunts]
- Give the boy back.
- You lose, Jason.
- Ah...
- You lose, Jason.
- Ah...
Come, hold my hand.
Yes, you Randy.
Yes, Randy hold my hand.
Hand. Hold my hand.
And you, Stanley,
hold Randy's hand.
- I'm not holding no girl's head.
- Fuck!
Other Stanley.
Oh, the husband-man.
[laughing] Me? Yeah, I'm your husband.
Hold, hold, hold, hold that, please.
Okay, you want to hold my hand?
You have to let the man
touch your hand,
or he won't touch you.
- Stanley, touch his hand.
- Yeah, Stanley.
- Great.
- Yeah, okay.
Now I will. I'll hold a superior hand.
Emily, grab his hand.
Wait...
- Emily. Who are you?
- Nigel, of course.
Okay.
- Come on, he's really...
- Don't you touch me.
Fuck. All right.
- Okay.
- I'll hold it.
It's me, Roby.
- Roby, great.
- I'll act as a male buffer.
Roby, I'm so happy we kept you.
Great.
Okay, that's man, man, boy...
And then...
- Emily.
- Emily.
- And that's everything.
- That's everybody.
[grunts with effort]
Pull.
Pull!
Pull!
[grunts with effort]
Yeah!
[gasps]
No!
[gulping]
[both grunting with efforts]
[colliding]
[alien grunt]
[both panting]
[exhales]
Jesus absolute holy fucking Christ.
[clapping]
Yeah.
Me and the boys put this together.
A couple of fucking pranksters.
What do you mean? Is this a joke?
When I left this room,
how many of you knew what happens
in a digital contract?
Down the line, everybody down the line.
I wouldn't know, I don't take this class.
Okay, Teach. Emily...
This whole thing was to just...
teach us what a digital contract means?
You planned this whole thing?
I'm a cool fucking teacher.
Me, the pranksters, the boys...
Yeah.
He really ripped off his arm.
But it was funny, huh?
Yeah, it was.
It was pretty funny.
Hey, you know what?
All it took was a...
a jock, a freak...
Uh... a know-it-all...
an Englishman...
an American...
- Yeah.
- And togetherness.
And togetherness.
That's our show!
Ladies and gentlemen,
that's Thomas Middleditch.
- That's Ben Schwartz.
- We're Middleditch and Schwartz.
- Oh, what fun.
- What fun.
You know what I realized
when we were clapping?
Because, we're filming this.
The higher we look, the more people
it looks like are in the audience.
So, it's like this in the balcony,
second balcony, third balcony...
Oh, my God.
We're playing to a stadium
of 40,000 people.
- This is...
- In terms of the special.
Forty thousand.
A person in the very last row, scream.
[audience screaming]
That person is seven miles away.
And that person is my dad.
Thank you, Dad.
Thank you, Daddy.
Really crappy that he got
the worst seat in the house. [chuckles]
- But I worked hard for it.
- Thank you, Daddy.
Does anyone say it like that
to their actual dad?
"Thanks, Daddy."
A round of applause.
Who here, man or woman,
has said, "Thank you, Daddy,"
to your actual father?
[fewer cheering]
Alright, sure.
- Sure.
- All right, sweetheart.
Yeah sure, just be back by 11:00.
- Thank you, Daddy.
- Yes.
Well, I'm going to watch Forged In Fire.
I'm a dad. [chuckling]
I am very excited.
- Okay. Alright.
- We are very excited to be here
to perform long form improv.
This is what we're gonna do.
We're gonna make up every word,
every character, every sentence.
Everything will be made up on the spot.
This show... What we usually say
and what I almost said is,
this show exists in this moment
for us and nobody else,
but that is very different today.
It's going to be recorded
and put online in perpetuity.
This is what's going to happen.
We'll ask the audience a question.
And what we want from that
is not a joke answer.
We want to go back and forth with you
and have a little conversation,
and that will be the inspiration
for our show.
- Thomas.
- Is there anything, uh...
you know... something to think about.
Is there anything that's coming up
in the near future
that you're either excited about
or maybe dreading perhaps?
Elections!
- My birthday!
- Finals!
- Anniversary!
- My in-laws!
I heard...
Finals...
- I like finals, I think maybe.
- Alright.
- Well, let's ask a little bit.
- That's the first one we heard.
- Yeah, let's pry into that.
- Okay.
- Who said finals?
- I did.
Right here. And you're the first
who said, "Hello, Daddy." Correct?
Are you...? Is this for the end of it,
for the whole thing?
Law school!
It's my first semester of law school.
[both] First semester of law school!
There's probably so much studying,
I'm assuming.
There's so many things.
What's article 3.12 A?
You've got to study.
Is it here at NYU?
No, I go to... it's out of Harrisburg.
- I go to Widener.
- Where's Harrisburg?
Harrisburg sounds like a battle
from the Civil War.
Harrisburg sounds like like
5,000 lost on both sides.
"But it was a turning point..."
That's it.
Harrisburg sounds like
a History Channel bit...
- For dads.
- ...for dads.
There might be aliens in Harrisburg,
so you're fine.
- That guy with the thing.
- Aliens in Harrisburg?
Thank you for that. [chuckles]
Give us a taste of what
law school has been like...
- Yeah.
- ...and who you hang out with.
I still work full-time during the day,
- so I go at night.
- What do you work as?
I work for an insurance company.
I do customer service.
- Insurance company. Okay.
- Customer service. Insurance.
- So, you're double timing it.
- Customer service.
And I have kids. So, you know.
- And you've got kids?
- And you have kids!
[Thomas] Do you have a favorite
or least favorite professor at law school?
I do.
And it's a thumbs up or a thumbs down?
Uh, they're all thumbs up,
all really good.
But my Contracts professor
is pretty funny.
- A cool teacher.
- This teacher's pretty cool.
Yeah.
Pretty cool teacher.
You are juggling quite a few things,
and you're pulling it off,
which is impressive.
What's the most exciting part of it?
What's the scariest part of it?
Scariest part is when I talk to my kids,
and my younger son tells me
that he's really excited
that I'm going to change the world.
And I want to change the world,
but he wishes I could be home.
- So, that's...
- That's real.
For those of you in the back
that didn't hear...
she's upset that she wants
to change the world
and her son says,
or her youngest kid says,
"I'm just upset you're
not home more often."
Oh, you didn't hear. Okay.
So, that's your youngest son.
You have another kid as well?
I have an older son, yes.
- So, you have two sons.
- Yeah.
And what's the older son like?
He likes board games.
He likes Magic.
We love board games.
- We love magic. This kid sound great.
- He loves MTG?
- MTG?
- Yeah.
Tapping all the powers and the mana?
Hell yeah.
And what do you do?
- I teach my kids Magic. It's terrible.
- You teach your kids magic?
- Yeah.
- Are you a big magic fan?
- Okay, give me one more.
- You're thinking about magic,
and we're talking Magic.
You're not talking about magic?
You're talking about Magic?
Yeah. Tap, tap, tap.
I'm sorry, you're talking about Magic?
And not, like... magic?
Yeah.
Okay. So you're the one
who teaches them Magic.
They like to hide, like, toy spiders,
and stuffed animals,
in really awkward places
like the fucking shower.
They're goofing you.
They're playing pranks.
You got prankies, you got pranky goofs.
Pranky goofs.
Anything else about that law school
we need to know or no?
There's, uh... interesting...
Yeah, keep going.
- There's an interesting...
- Interesting group of people.
So, we run the gamut
from mid 20s, 30s most of the people...
And then there's a gentleman
who likes to remind us
that he's from Maryland and he is...
There's a guy who likes
to remind you that he's from Maryland.
- I want to repeat so everybody can...
- Literally.
- take that in.
- He's from Maryland.
- So nothing he learns applies.
- Nothing he learns applies.
Uh, everything that he talks about,
he will...
Two of our four professors are women.
So he likes to "mansplain"
the things that they teach him back.
He's mansplaining the female professors.
- He ignores...
- No, the other students.
- No, the professors.
- The professors.
Ah, ah, ah...
But he's from Maryland, though.
- I feel like you don't get it.
- He's also like...
- Let me explain it to you.
- And, honestly, that makes sense.
- Okay, that's terrible, it's terrifying.
- Okay, that's great.
- That's good.
- What else we got?
Every time another woman,
another female student, talks,
he likes to then raise his hand,
and basically say exactly the same thing
that we said,
- except as a statement...
- What a bummer.
Are you happy?
I think that's enough.
I think it's great.
Give it up one time, everybody.
- Yeah.
- Thank you very much.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we present to you,
Middleditch and Schwartz.
[audience cheering]
Um...
Just making sure nobody's cheating.
Right?
This is the test?
Are you studying right now?
- Yeah.
- Okay, good. Great.
I'm taking a private test. [female tone]
Yes. She's...
She's taking a private test right now.
I'm taking a private test
that no one else is taking,
but you want to make sure
that I'm not cheating.
- Right.
- Got it.
- You can keep doing what you're doing.
- Okay.
Good to see you.
[mouthing] I'm so nervous.
[mouthing] I don't know.
I barely know what I'm doing.
[mouthing] I'm taking that test...
next week.
[mouthing] You're taking this test?
Do you want the answers?
[mouthing] I can give them to you.
Hey!
[mouthing] This is great!
I know.
Ah...
Yes, Stanley?
- Stanley... from Maryland?
- Yeah.
I just...
want to make sure that...
everyone's eyes are looking around
to make sure that nobody's cheating.
Especially, um...
the women in the class. [chuckles]
Why would we be cheating?
I just feel, just if you look at...
I feel like if we delved into the stats...
- Okay.
- If we delved into the stats,
we'd find probably a little bit more
instances of cheating amongst...
women...
is my stance.
And like...
fucking...
turtles are our mascot. [chuckles]
Uh...
Anyway, if you're going to walk,
make sure you do
one foot in front of the other.
- Thank you, Stanley.
- You got it.
Thank you.
Hey, thank you.
Yea. Thank you. Yea.
Alright.
[gasps] Alright, are you finished?
Yeah, I'm all set.
Thank you.
I'm going to grade this right here.
In front of everybody?
I'm sorry you failed.
[gasps]
If I failed, then honestly,
I'm going to leave this room forever.
Yeah!
Leave this room forever!
Yeah, there's, like,
way more other students here, too.
Yeah.
Great.
Fine.
I'll leave.
And I'm never coming back.
- Alright, take care.
- My name is Christina.
And I'm never coming back.
Who cares?
Alright, Christina.
Christina, do you know that, uh...
that cotton blend you're wearing
looks stupid? Take care.
I love this cotton blend.
Which... reminds me, class... um...
If I can remind anyone...
[chuckles] Uh...
I want you guys
to take this test seriously.
I know we've...
had a bunch of laughs here.
[both laughing]
You're so funny.
Ah...
I know we've goofed around a lot,
but... uh...
I'm serious.
I'm... uh...
I'm serious now, okay?
And...
I really want to see
you guys pass and I'm...
I can't play favorites here, you know?
We all loved Christina.
And we didn't want to see her go,
- especially permanently.
- Yeah.
So, I don't want to see the same thing
happen to you guys,
so please take the test seriously.
And let's all agree that we can
take the test together next time.
Absolutely.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Alright.
- Knock, knock...
Wait. Alright.
Who's there?
- Boo.
- Boo who?
[both laughing]
I'm not crying.
Whoa!
Yeah. [screaming]
[gasps] Uh...
Whoa!
I'll just write on the board
for a little bit.
Hey, Teach?
Yeah?
Uh...
I just want to say
you've really inspired us.
At least me, and I'm sure all of us.
And I want to say I'm just...
I am going to pass. I know it.
And... I don't know.
I really wanted to help change things
for the better. You know?
- That's amazing.
- Yeah.
Hey, that's why we're here.
You know what I mean?
We're trying to change things
for the better.
- Right?
- Exactly.
More protections
for Executive power.
No. No.
The President can do no wrong.
The President can do no...
Ah...
Sto... Stop chanting.
[laughing loudly]
Fuck you, Nigel!
No. Stop chanting.
I'm from Maryland, okay?
- I know.
- We chant.
Some of us are from different countries.
And some of us just want to pass the class
so we can thrive here.
Okay?
You're from another country?
Yes.
- Where are you from?
- I'll never tell. [chuckles]
Yes, and some of us
are from right here in America.
There's no fucking way.
There's no fucking way
you're from America.
Yes, I am from one of the 50 states.
Much like you are from Maryland.
I am from Maryland.
Yes, yes.
We never will forget that.
Very cool.
Yes, very cool.
- Very cool.
- Yes, look at us...
We are three males in the class.
Why are you...? Okay.
Yes, and there is one...
What... Let's say our names.
I'm Nigel.
- You know me. I'm Nigel.
- Yes, yes.
And your American name?
My American name?
My normal... [stuttering]
It's always been my name.
Sss...
You shouldn't have to think so hard.
Stanley.
So, we have two Stanleys.
Yes.
- Okay.
- Yes.
I just...
You know, for variety's sake.
Let's put it on the board.
- Two Stanleys.
- Yea. [laughs]
- Stanley and Stanley.
- Seems a bit late
to be coming acquainted
with one another,
but I think it's important.
The good news is we haven't
taken the test yet.
It's later on so we can pack
any piece of knowledge
we want to enter our brains right now.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Alright?
Like, listen first of all...
Contracts, right?
- Yes, yes good.
- Sounds boring, right?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
What if I take this contract,
take the first piece out,
fold it up like an airplane?
What the fuck was that?
I don't know, Teach, what was it?
I don't know.
Why don't you ask your kids? [chuckling]
What the fuck?
Was that supposed to be a punchline?
- Yeah, did you like it?
- Not really.
- Sort of felt antagonistic.
- Oh...
I've... I get it.
American humor.
Uh, uh, uh...
What else, Teach?
Okay.
Every contract ends
with a little line at the bottom
where you sign that name. Right?
You put your little John Hancock
down there.
Am I right?
Yeah, John Hancock.
Not Jenny Hancock.
It could be Jenny Hancock.
I don't know, man.
Anyway...
Soon as you do that,
it's legally binding.
[chuckling]
[laughing] Are you fucking surfing?
Wow.
Whoa!
Mm...
We don't play that here.
- Right, we don't.
- Stanley.
Of course. We don't.
Teach, I'm nervous for the test to be.
[with accent]
You've changed.
Mm, unless there's another class member...
No, no, no, I'm Stanley.
I'm Stanley. [with accent]
- I'm Stanley?
- [laughing]
I'm Stanley?
Wait. What's...
Hey, what's your name again?
- I'm Stanley.
- Great.
- Yes. Okay.
- You're Stanley.
- Yes.
- I'm Stanley.
I'm Stanley.
Great.
Stanley.
Is that what you wanted to say?
I guess I don't have to say it.
It's written on the board. So...
- Now you're sounding like me!
- Fuck!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
What is the meaning of this poppycock?
Hey, Nigel, come on.
- We're having fun.
- Now, listen...
We also established, I think,
that there was someone else,
but I can't remember.
I think there's someone right here.
I think it's a girl, but I...
Okay...
- Alright.
- 'Cause I can't re...
Am I wrong?
I don't... I'm not sure.
I actually don't
look behind me that much.
[in girl's tone] It doesn't matter,
don't pay attention to me.
I'm so so sorry.
- It's fine.
- Randy. Randy?
I'm Randy the girl.
I had friends that were
women named Randy growing up.
- Yeah, well you got another one, I hope.
- There you go.
I don't know, if you want to be my friend.
Whatever.
- It doesn't matter.
- No, you should speak up.
- I'm so sorry.
- No. [chuckling]
No.
No, you shouldn't. [harsh tone]
Okay. Is there any questions
anybody has before our test?
Before we get to it,
anything you want to cram.
This is the cram session.
Right, anything you guys
want to talk about, or no?
Randy? Anything?
I couldn't possibly.
Okay.
Nigel, Stanley, Stanley...
Nigel.
It's a personal question. [with accent]
- For me?
- Yeah.
Cool.
What's the thing that gets you
really pumped up about contracts?
You asked a perfect question. [chuckles]
Once you print them out
and you see them right there.
The smell of the paper, right?
But just like you said,
it's just a piece of paper until...
Puff...
you sign that thing
and it is legally binding,
just like I said.
Which means, this piece of paper,
which meant absolutely nothing beforehand,
now has the power of law behind it.
Right? And what does "law" mean?
Everybody together.
- The truth.
- The truth.
Law means... Randy!
Randy. I didn't hear you.
- What does "law" mean?
- The truth.
No.That's Stanley, Randy.
- Oh!
- Randy.
Oh, yes. [girly laugh]
Sorry, it's just we've got
two Stanleys and one Randy.
[stutters]
- The truth.
- The truth.
But... Teach?
Yeah?
What if the contract is digital?
Teach, what if the contract is digital?
[exhales]
Should I have not said anything?
[chuckles]
If the contract's digital...
then there are no rules.
What?
I've been teaching this class
for 30 years.
I'm, I'm... 60.
I'm pretty funny,
I wear my hat backwards,
- Yeah.
- but I'm, straight up, a 60-year-old guy.
I'm still into it...
Daddy.
And no one has ever asked that.
What does it mean when it's digital?
I'm sorry, you're going to have to
find out in the test.
Time's up. Class is dismissed.
Teach? Teach?
Teach?
Teach?
[chuckles] So many doors.
Teach?
Jesus Christ.
Oh, my god.
I didn't mean to.
- It was the first question I asked.
- Way to go, Randy.
It was literally
the first question I asked.
I didn't mean to.
Didn't you know that would
break someone's brain?
No, Stanley, I just assumed
that it would be fine.
Of course you just assumed.
You all do.
I got a tote.
I got a tote bag.
If that's not indicative
of my personality...
Just... fucking tote.
Shoulder tote.
Get out of here, Stanley.
Maybe I will.
It's locked.
We know it's locked.
There's only one. We've learned
there's only one way out.
- There's a couple more doors over there.
- Oh, come on.
Don't go through that door. [with accent]
That's my door.
Stanley, you've got your own private door?
Only I have the key.
So, please, if you don't mind,
don't go through that door.
Right? Sounds a little bit like it.
[laughs]
What's past that door, Stanley?
American stuff.
It's not the...
I mean it's...
It doesn't have anything to do with...
digital contracts, does it?
It's where I keep...
It's where I keep my secret.
Emily?
- Do I have a name?
- No. Emily.
- Yes, I'm Emily.
- I wanted to make sure you knew.
- I'm Emily.
- That's where I keep my contracts.
Stanley, um...
I think...
I just haven't said how...
um... important you've been to this class
to offer, you know, a new...
American perspective.
American pie.
Yeah.
This is crazy.
It's kind of like
The Breakfast Club, right?
- Like, we have the quiet girl.
- Yeah, this is...
We have the quiet girl.
We have the mean jock.
We have the...
American.
We have the know-it-all girl.
- Know it all?
- Know it all.
Emily, you're very smart.
Stanley...
let's just open up your door
and see what's in there.
I mean, I've got to be honest,
the curiosity is killing me.
[stutters]
Who cares?
We all have secrets, right?
Actually, I don't think any one of us
has a secret door in the classroom
we've been spending our entire semester in
where we keep our secrets.
I'd like to know.
What will I get in return? [girl's tone]
Huh?
I have a key, I have a door...
behind the door is, like,
so many secrets...
Yeah?
...that only I know.
I give them to you for what?
What will I get in return?
We'll help you pass the test.
[chuckles]
Hey, why do you assume
that I couldn't pass it?
- I'm the one that knows things.
- Listen...
Okay.
Uh...
I think there's a chance
that maybe you're not from America.
[cautious laugh]
What?
Why would you say that?
Hey, if you're from America...
If you're from America...
If you're from America,
what's the best state
in the whole fucking place?
Maryland.
He's from America! [shouting]
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
We'll help you.
Hey, listen, you said it was a big deal.
You want to pass the test.
What's it going to hurt if all of us help?
I can't promise you
that I can protect you...
from what's behind that door.
Yes, there are secrets to be known,
but there are other things.
Terrible things.
Things that will scar you forever.
I'm sort of turning Werner Herzog now.
Yeah.
Kind of, yeah.
Bounty hunting
is a complicated profession.
Trust us.
We're going to be fine.
Okay.
So... are we all going together?
Yeah, if that's what it takes.
I think safety in numbers
is the best type of...
strategy at this point.
Okay. Come on.
Randy. Come on.
- Randy, come on.
- [stutters]
Stanley.
Put your tote bag down. Come on.
- I can't bring my tote?
- [burst into laughter]
Fine, you can bring your tote.
Stanley's here.
- That's everybody, I think, right?
- Yeah.
Stanley...
Stanley.
- Emily.
- Emily.
- Stanley.
- Stanley.
- Randy.
- Yeah.
[mimicking suspense music]
- It's too dangerous.
- What the hell was that?
What the hell was that?
What the hell was that?
Stanley?
Stanley?
Stanley?
Okay, fine. [with accent]
You are German now.
I think that's kind of
been pretty clear...
Okay.
- I wasn't playing a joke.
- Someone else had difficulty with it,
- but... okay.
- Okay.
I have to tell you.
I'm not really from America.
We know. We know. We know.
Yeah, come on, man.
Uh... you're wearing cinder blocks
as sneakers.
You... you noticed?
Yes.
- Oh, man, that's so crazy.
- Yeah, come on.
Alright, yes.
I'm not from America.
And you're about to find out
exactly where I'm from
by going through this door.
But, fucking watch out.
I haven't.
[chuckles]
This is going to throw a real wrench
in the spokes here.
I feel like...
[laughs] I don't...
I almost don't want to meet this guy...
because, like...
It's just...
Yeah?
No, it makes sense.
You know, like Pandora's Box?
It's like, you want to open it,
but you don't want to open it.
Okay, but we've kind of seen
that something crazy's in there.
I suppose to turn our backs on it now
would be unsatisfying.
Yes!
[chuckles] Oh, man.
Okay, here we go.
This is what's behind my door of secrets.
[alien gibberish]
This fucking guy.
I'm not going...
I'm not going to justify him.
- That's, fucking, someone else's job.
- No! No!
That's an alien.
That is an alien.
I've heard they live here.
There are aliens that were here.
- You've heard they live here?
- Yes.
Stanley, what the fuck
are you talking about?
What are you talking about?
I heard that aliens are here...
Oh my god, what the fuck is he doing?
[alien gibberish]
[alien gibberish]
What do you want?
What do you want?
It's not what he wants.
Blah, blah, blah.
He's been looking for something,
- and he can't find it.
- Wait!
- [chuckles] Just a quick pause.
- Yes?
I'm still here.
Nigel!
And I...
And I know exactly what he wants.
Good old Nigel.
Yes.
Yes.
He's not just any alien.
He's a boy.
[alien gibberish]
Don't let him get too far. [chuckles]
I'll handle it.
- Boy!
- [alien gibberish]
Nigel.
[muffled] Jason!
Jason?
Sweet Jason!
Poor, sweet Jason.
Trapped and alone...
in the Closet of Secrets...
for all this time.
Years, I'm assuming.
Of course...
leave it to a German/Transylvanian to...
lock you up for that long.
- Tell me, boy.
- [alien gibberish]
Do you have any friends
in that Closet of Secrets?
[muffled] No, I don't have any friends.
- I'm all by myself in there.
- You're all by yourself in there.
- And I'm just a boy.
- And you're just a boy.
Sweet, Jason.
Tell me, child.
Sure.
You... do you have but a single friend?
You're lonely, aren't you?
You're a lonely little alien boy
called Jason.
And Nigel figured it out.
We all forgot about Nigel,
but I'm the one figuring it out.
Even though I didn't want
to figure it out.
I wanted nothing to do
with this fucking thing.
- Jason?
- Oh?
I will find you a child.
[muffled] What?
- I will find you a friend.
- Oh! [gibberish]
[muffled] I want a friend.
- Of course you do.
- I want a friend.
- I live in the closet.
- I know.
Stay there. Stay there.
Let me confer with my associates.
Just stay right there.
Right here?
Is that okay?
Is that okay?
- Okay.
- Verbal consent.
- Verbal consent.
- Okay.
Class huddle.
Jesus Christ.
Class huddle. Everyone around.
Nigel, that was fucking amazing.
- Quick. Quick. Quick.
- And you're a man.
Yes.
[both chuckle]
Nigel that was unbelievable...
What...
We need a child.
I am sworn celibate.
And I'm an involuntary...
involun...
I'm an incel.
I would fucking love to, but...
Maryland, so...
And I have never had sex either,
so you know.
[laughing] Fucking virgins?
Randy?
I have two kids.
Randy does?
- No, this is not Randy.
- Okay.
This is Emily.
- Yeah.
- Emily. Randy?
I fuck.
Okay.
But I'm safe about it.
- Okay.
- I'm safe. I don't have any children.
You're safe... not...
So... you fuck all the time.
Yes.
But you, Emily...
You have two children?
Yeah, yeah.
But I don't... I don't...
Let me recap the stakes.
He's just sitting there.
I know, I know,
but the stakes couldn't be higher,
because I'm going to write them out
here on the chalkboard.
When you see the stakes written out,
you're gonna be like, "You're right.
This is critical."
In but days, we are going
to take a test.
A test, that but moments ago,
Christina...
failed so hard she was
banished from the school.
Never to be seen or heard from again.
And may I say...
she got out... no problem.
Easy.
- She got out no problem, but the teacher…
- To be honest, I am envious of Christina.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, she left the room.
Easy peasy.
The teacher went through
the fucking door number three
over there.
So...
it could be because...
of the one thing that she and all of us
did not know,
which is...
What about...
digital contracts?
In order to find out
what the consequences
of signing a digital contract is...
we have to find a child playmate
for Jason the Alien.
It's a classic...
"What the Fuck" plot line.
[muffled] And I'm getting hungry.
[chuckles] Oh boy, and he's hungry.
[muffled] I'm getting hungry.
- Jason!
- Yes?
Hungry for what?
If you say "boys," you're going
to make it real hard to work with you.
- No, no.
- Okay.
Friends not boys.
- You're hungry for friendship.
- I'm hungry for fr...
But I'm also...
I'm also hungry
because I've been in the closet
- for a long time.
- Okay.
And... B story...
Jason's hungry.
So, we're going to see if we can
find some food for Jason the Alien.
- Yes.
- [mumbles]
- I couldn't see her behind the...
- The chalkboard, yes.
Um, and if I don't eat...
I get angry.
- Oh, boy the...
- Write it on the board!
And if... [chuckles]
Which, if unfed, could lead to... anger.
So...
Emily?
Yes.
Can you spare a boy?
What are you saying?
What do you want?
We want one or both of your children.
You want me to abandon my boy?
[laughing]
[continues laughing]
I need you to abandon your child.
Abandon your boy.
- Abandon your boy!
- That's what I thought.
Sounded like it was...
Abandon your child, Emily!
Abandon your boy!
Nigel. [chuckles]
Thank you.
Um...
Well, maybe I'll just do the older one.
I would have to call him.
I mean, this is necessary?
For all of us to live,
I would have to abandon my boy?
Abandon my child, Milkshake?
I believe so.
Okay, I...
Hey... what?
[breathing heavily]
This way, this way... Yeah.
Sweetie?
- What are you doing here?
- Uh...
You're supposed to be home.
I know, well, you haven't come home,
and I thought class was over.
And so, me and the boys, we...
came by to see how things are going.
Magic!
Hey, can I talk to you for a second?
Wait here, Toby, and wait here... Roby.
Yeah, what's going on?
Come to the chalkboard real quick.
Okay.
First of all, thank you
for staying at home.
I don't stay at home.
- I mean, I've got a job...
- Yeah.
You're really helping the family,
and I appreciate that.
Yeah, I mean, you're
going to help the family too.
- Yeah.
- In more ways than one.
You're not only going to help the family,
- you're going to help the world.
- That's right.
- I'm going to change the world.
- Damn straight.
- That's my girl.
- Thank you.
- I love you, baby.
- I'm going to change the world,
and I'm going to come home
for dinner, okay?
Roby?
Magic!
Yu-Gi-Oh! [laughing]
[shouting] Magic!
They've been doing that...
- All day.
- ...all fucking day.
- What's going on here?
- We need to give the alien one of our boys
- or we won't pass the test.
- Why?
- Honey, please, no.
- We won't pass the test.
Yes. Go. Look at it.
Solve it.
[chuckles] Shirts.
Uh...
I mean, I like both of them.
- Yeah, they both have their merits.
- But Roby likes Yu-Gi-Oh, and...
- Yeah. Toby loves Magic.
- Toby's a Magic guy.
- I love Magic.
- You love Magic.
- That's my shit right there.
- Yeah.
Yu-Gi-Oh, like, I don't think
anyone plays Yu-Gi-Oh still.
I guess we'll find out
in the comments or something.
Yeah.
We're going to reignite
this MTG/Yu-Gi-Oh feud
because, I tell you what, hands-down,
I'm going to give the kid
who plays Yu-Gi-Oh up.
Like, honestly, I'm honestly happy
this conundrum is here.
It's so easy for me, it's crazy.
[kid's voice] Me?
Roby!
I...
Come here, bud. Come here.
Come here, bud.
Come here, buddy.
- Do I have your consent?
- Of course?
- Oh, I love you.
- Hey, pal.
What's up?
Um... you like making new friends, right?
Oh my god, I love making new friends
all the time.
Okay.
Would you like it if one
of those friends was a fucking alien?
Are you kidding me?
I play Yu-Gi-Oh, I would love that.
Looks like this is a match
made in heaven.
What do you want me to do?
I want you to go behind that chalkboard...
and make friends
with an alien called Jason.
I'm surprisingly chill with all of this.
You're a cool dad.
You mean that, pal?
Yeah, I've always respected you, Dad.
I've always... I've tolerated you.
I just want you to know
I think you're the best,
and if I've been a little bit weird
or anything, I'll be better.
I'm growing up. I'm the youngest.
- Okay?
- Yeah.
Fads come and go, but my love for you
will always stay the same.
So what did you want me to do?
Hey, Dad! Uh...
I just want you to know,
I rank Magic: The Gathering
higher than my love for you.
[mimicking magicians]
But it's MTG.
♪ It's Magic ♪
Go that way, Roby.
Toby, can you take a seat?
Out of the way, dork-a-zoid.
Yeah, lap time.
I'm 12.
[both laughing]
- I'm 12. I love my dad's lap.
- Hey, stop. Toby, Toby, Toby...
Get your hair out of your face, Toby.
Get your long hair out of your face.
Yeah, tie it up. [chuckles]
My hair's down to my butt.
I play Magic: The Gathering,
and I love my dad's lap.
I'm Toby!
I've got a million friends.
You want to make one more?
Ah, sure, I guess. If I can fit them in.
Go on the other side
of that chalkboard.
- There's an alien there.
- Alright.
You had a good run.
Urrr?
- Toby.
- [muffled] Jason.
Jason?
Toby?
Toby.
I'm hungry.
Well, I think I got a Snickers.
A candy bar?
A candy bar.
Oh, sorry, I think
I got a generic candy bar.
- I'm hungry.
- Ah...
Let me have it.
Okay.
[alien gulping]
Okay...
What's that card?
- This card?
- What's that card?
- Friend.
- Okay.
- Friend.
- Friend.
Um-huh.
Come to my closet.
Come to your closet?
Come, come.
Okay.
Come, come, little boy. [chuckles]
Should we be doing anything?
Dad?
Jason's taking me to his closet.
Um...
Uh, Jason!
Before you go...
Roger.
What happens...
if the contract is digital?
You've got your boy.
You're not hungry anymore.
It's time for you to live up
to your end of the bargain.
It's time for you to uphold...
the verbal contract.
Emily, if this is what you want, okay...
If you want to be...
a fancy lawyer and change the world,
the only way for that to happen
is for you to give up our... the son
that I like less.
Are you going to be cool in there?
Jason, are you going to treat him okay?
No. [different tone]
- It would have made it easier.
- I'm going to treat him horribly.
First tell us about the digital.
Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
Fair is fair.
Let him talk, guys.
Fair if fair.
But, what did I tell you?
I get the boy.
- I get the boy all to myself.
- Yes, yes.
In my closet.
Yes.
It's just me, also a boy...
and this boy.
Yes.
Great.
What's the difference
between digital contracts?
The only difference...
is that you have to sign...
digitally.
[villain laugh]
- Oh! [grunts with effort]
- Uh, uh, uh.
- We never signed anything.
- Uh?
- We never shook hands.
- Uh?
A contract isn't a contract
until two parties have signed.
- [grunts]
- Give the boy back.
- You lose, Jason.
- Ah...
- You lose, Jason.
- Ah...
Come, hold my hand.
Yes, you Randy.
Yes, Randy hold my hand.
Hand. Hold my hand.
And you, Stanley,
hold Randy's hand.
- I'm not holding no girl's head.
- Fuck!
Other Stanley.
Oh, the husband-man.
[laughing] Me? Yeah, I'm your husband.
Hold, hold, hold, hold that, please.
Okay, you want to hold my hand?
You have to let the man
touch your hand,
or he won't touch you.
- Stanley, touch his hand.
- Yeah, Stanley.
- Great.
- Yeah, okay.
Now I will. I'll hold a superior hand.
Emily, grab his hand.
Wait...
- Emily. Who are you?
- Nigel, of course.
Okay.
- Come on, he's really...
- Don't you touch me.
Fuck. All right.
- Okay.
- I'll hold it.
It's me, Roby.
- Roby, great.
- I'll act as a male buffer.
Roby, I'm so happy we kept you.
Great.
Okay, that's man, man, boy...
And then...
- Emily.
- Emily.
- And that's everything.
- That's everybody.
[grunts with effort]
Pull.
Pull!
Pull!
[grunts with effort]
Yeah!
[gasps]
No!
[gulping]
[both grunting with efforts]
[colliding]
[alien grunt]
[both panting]
[exhales]
Jesus absolute holy fucking Christ.
[clapping]
Yeah.
Me and the boys put this together.
A couple of fucking pranksters.
What do you mean? Is this a joke?
When I left this room,
how many of you knew what happens
in a digital contract?
Down the line, everybody down the line.
I wouldn't know, I don't take this class.
Okay, Teach. Emily...
This whole thing was to just...
teach us what a digital contract means?
You planned this whole thing?
I'm a cool fucking teacher.
Me, the pranksters, the boys...
Yeah.
He really ripped off his arm.
But it was funny, huh?
Yeah, it was.
It was pretty funny.
Hey, you know what?
All it took was a...
a jock, a freak...
Uh... a know-it-all...
an Englishman...
an American...
- Yeah.
- And togetherness.
And togetherness.
That's our show!