Merry Happy Whatever (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Welcome, Matt - full transcript

[people chattering indistinctly]

Oh, it's so cold.

It's like a thousand needles
poking into you.

It finally feels like Christmas.

I can't believe you grew up with this.

Is this Philly
or the ice planet Hoth? [laughs]

[laughs]

Yeah, listen.

Uh, when you first meet my dad,
maybe cool it with the Star Wars talk.

Just until he gets to know you.
And then...

- I don't know, maybe also after.
- Aww.



You're so cute
when you're trying to hide who I am.

Emmy, I got this.

I know. Just... I want him to love you
as much as I love you.

Okay. Well, my dad said he'd be here
at 8:45, and it's 8:40...

...five.

Hey! There he is!

- Hey, Dad! Merry almost-Christmas!
- Mmm.

Welcome home, sweetie!

This must be Matt.

Hey.

Good to finally meet you in person.
[chuckles]

How was the flight?

Ah, you know, red-eyes are tough.
Always hard to get much sleep.

I can sleep anywhere.



I trained my body
to sleep through air strikes

when I led a platoon in Desert Storm.

Wow. I just...

take half an Ambien and drink red wine.
Your thing's cooler.

[laughs]

Mixing drugs and alcohol.

Interesting.

Okay! Here we go. [claps hands] Let's...

- All right.
- Yeah.

[Don] Oh, you got your ax.

So, how's your band?

- Had any gigs?
- [coughs] Oh.

A few.

Mostly still paying our dues.

[Don] Uh-huh.

Paying dues, not rent, huh?

[chuckles] Just kidding ya.

- [Don laughs]
- [Matt chuckles]

Good one. [chuckles]

[Matt chuckles]

Oh, look at me, back of a cop car.

It's like I'm a perp, you know,
and you're the... Oh!

I feel like a bad boy back here.

[laughs]

Oh, dang it.
I left my mittens on the plane.

Hey, Em.

You remember my buddy, Ted Boseman?

- No.
- Oh, yeah you do.

Anyway, I ran into him
at church last Sunday,

and it turns out he's kind of
a big deal here at D&P Financial.

And he wants to chat with you

about opportunities right here in Philly.

- Oh.
- What, you mean like her move back here?

- [brakes hard]
- [tires squeal]

Seat belt, please.

Dad, I already have a finance job in LA,

where I live with the guy that I love.

- How are you doing back there, sweetie?
- Bulletproof glass is hard.

Yeah, forget I mentioned it.

But, uh...

Ah, keep it in mind. [chuckles]

Got the Christmas lights out, ready to go.

Love it. Love it. [chuckles]

We put our lights up today,
and we take them down on New Year's Day.

Emmy's mom, she had a rule.

Ten days, that's it. This ain't Las Vegas.

[Don chuckles]

Everybody's coming over tonight
for the Quinn family house lighting.

Tradition's my dad's favorite thing.

Right up there with Law & Order.
[chuckles]

The show and the thing.

Our house lighting, tree trimming,
caroling, midnight mass,

Christmas brunch, Christmas dinner,

a sensible New Year's Eve celebration.

The world might change...

The Quinns...

never will.

Remember when you asked
why I moved across the country?

Here it is!

The house that made all this.

This is nice.

I want the full tour,

- but can I take a quick nap?
- Yeah.

I just want to be on my game
when I meet the...

Oh, my God!

[gasps] The prodigal sister returns.
Give me hugs, come here! I want them! Oh!

[squeals]

Matt, this is my sister Patsy
and her husband Todd.

Mr. Rock 'n' Roller.
Coming in for a hug. I'm a hugger.

Okay. [squeals]

- [Matt grunts]
- [Patsy laughs]

- Thanks for coming over to welcome us.
- Oh, your dad said we had to.

[clears throat]
And I said, "Heck, I want to."

So, who's hungry?
I'm making eggies like Mom used to make.

Not as good, obviously.
But not bad, if I do say so myself.

And I do!

[Patsy laughs]

Please have an eggie.

- We arrested a mall Santa last night.
- [Emmy] Mm.

He lost a toe
breaking into Victoria's Secret.

[laughs]

Nancy, the nurse at the hospital,
she says,

"Somebody just made his own naughty list."

[all laugh]

She's a hoot.

[Matt laughs]

Oh. Well, there'll be coal
in his lace stocking, huh?

Want to go get some sleep, Matt?

I really do.

- Well, look who's here from Hollyweird.
- Hi!

Oh. Matt, this is my brother Sean,
his wife Joy.

- Hey, Matt!
- Sean Jr. Hi!

Donny. Oh, Baby Margie!

There'll be a test on these names later.

Not really.

My name's easy.
You look at me, what do you see?

Joy. Donny, stop playing with the knives.

Sean Jr., you are getting so big.
You look like you could be an Avenger.

You don't need to do that.

Yeah! He's in a fun new phase.

So, Matt. LA boy. You a Rams fan?

Uh, I don't really like football.

I love it.

You know, Super Bowls, touchdowns,

just all of it.

Tom Brady. I mean, he's one of 'em.

[laughs] You got me.

I was like, "Uh-oh, Em got a dud."

Pats, we doing eggies?

Yeah.

- Which way is the bathroom?
- Right there.

[Matt chuckles]

You know, it's just... It's pee.

He seems nice.

But is he worth staying in California,

with all the earthquakes
and the fires and Californians?

[Alan] At least admit
that it was inconsiderate.

[Kayla] Oh, my God.
It's not that big of a deal, Alan.

I just wish you'd shown me
the Christmas card

before mailing them to everyone we know.

Great! You can be in charge next year.

- Good!
- Awesome!

- Fantastic!
- Can you double-cheese that thing?

Hi, sis. Sorry we're late.

Someone only started caring
about the Christmas cards

after I mailed them out this morning.

Gosh, who could "someone" be?

How do we crack that code?

Who wants an eggie?
Kayla, Alan? You want an eggie?

- I want a divorce.
- What?

- What?
- What?

Okay, I'm sorry
I didn't show you the cards.

Now, can we please move on?

No. I-I want a divorce.

I didn't mean for it
to come out like this, but...

[inhales deeply]
...you have to admit we're not happy.

You're leaving me?

Now?

Well, there's not really a good time.

Yes, there is.

When you die.
That's when you leave, Alan.

Till death do us part.

Death, Alan, not Christmas.

Hey. Let me guess. Kayla and Alan.

[chuckles] Patsy, I think I'm ready
for that name test.

[chuckles]

[whispers inaudibly]

Oh.

We fight every day.

We haven't had sex in a year!

I can't believe you're talking about this
in front of my entire family.

And that guy.

You're with your entire family
all the time.

Everything happens in front of them,
and because of them.

[Kayla scoffs]

We're the reason
you're bailing on your marriage?

We're the problem?

We're delightful.

Kay.

We don't have kids.

So, yeah,

I think it's best to rip the Band-Aid off
and move on.

And Don, did you just unsnap the holster
of your service revolver?

If you want to leave,

then go.

Now.

Back door, buddy.

Your mom's eggies?

Always too salty.

[Kayla and Patsy gasp]

No wonder he didn't want
our cards to go out.

"Happy Holidays from Kayla and Alan?"

It was a lie.

Honey, uh...

You put "Happy Holidays,"
not "Merry Christmas?"

Oh, Dad.

He means that we love you

- and we're here for you.
- Yes. Honey.

- Of course.
- [Kayla] What am I gonna do?

I woke up this morning
and everything was fine, and now...

Now, I don't even want to go home.

But you could stay here.

As long as you want.
This will always be your home.

[Emmy] Yeah.

And I'll be here.

[Patsy] Ooh, it'll be
just like the old days.

[Kayla sighing]

I'm sorry, Mom.

A Quinn getting divorced.

I don't know what happened.

Well? Hug me!

Okay.

Oh, Jesus!

Sorry.

- What are you guys doing?
- Nothing.

Just... this eggnog went bad.

Yeah, it's just a bad...

- nog situation.
- [Matt] Oh.

Looked like you were
pouring one out to someone.

[laughs] No. No.

[laughs]

No.

I feel so bad for Kayla.

Yeah.

But...

you know...

[inhales]

Two sides to every story.

Alan has his issues,
but Kayla can be a bit of a...

- Pill.
- A big pill.

- Yeah.
- Oh.

Wow. Okay.

You know, I-I like getting
the in-laws take on this stuff,

'cause I'm hoping to be
one of you guys soon.

I'm gonna ask Emmy to marry me.

Christmas morning.

[Joy] Hmm.

[Matt chuckles]

We need to tell him.

- No, we can't trust him.
- He needs to know.

Obviously, I can hear you.

Hi.

Okay, look. Emmy's great.
You guys should totally get married.

Just do it far away from here.

LA's good. Hawaii's better.

Guam is still America.

- [Kayla] I don't know what happened.
- B-B-Be cool.

- [Patsy] We're here for you.
- [Don] Of course.

We were pouring one out.

To Alan.

We have a sort of support group.

Support group for what?

The people who married into this family.

The Quinns are great.

But when they're together,
which is almost every day...

Pizza Fridays, Sunday brunches,

pop-ins, stop-bys, meetups, hangouts.

Don has a saying:
"There's the Quinn way and the wrong way."

How to spend your money. How to vote.
Where to vacation.

- What kind of soda to drink.
- Pepsi.

It's always got to be Pepsi.

And our spouses think
the Quinn way is normal.

But it's like a cult.

A G-rated cult.

So we, uh...

We secretly meet at this bar, Otto's.
Just to talk stuff out.

And the family will never catch us there
because Quinns don't drink.

Don says alcohol is a crutch,
which I guess is true,

but also, you know, shut up. [chuckles]

We, uh, call ourselves the Outlaw In-laws.

- No, we don't. Todd does.
- It's good.

Outlaw In-laws! [laughs]

Thanks. But Emmy's not like that at all.

She drinks Coke and alcohol.

That's because she's been away.

But in the four or five days you're here,
she'll get sucked back in.

We're here for ten days.

- Oh, Lord.
- Oh, you poor bastard.

- [strumming]
- Hey.

[Matt] Hmm?

I'm so glad you're here.

[slight chuckle]

Me too.

How do you think I'm doing so far?

Great.

In fact, you'd better pace yourself
with all that charm.

We still got a lot of trip left.

Oh, well, I have a lot of charm left.

- With razzle-dazzle to spare.
- [laughs]

[chuckles] Can I take a nap now?

[both laughing]

- [Kayla] Oh, look.
- Oh!

The lovebirds.

Hey, Kayla.

How you feelin'?

Sad. [exhales]

Angry.

Confused.

A little hungry.

Well, how about a little food
for the soul?

Any requests?

Do you know the song "Not Now" by you?

So, Matt.

Kayla and I shared this room
when we were kids.

- Yeah. Now it's her and you.
- Yeah.

I just keep getting cut out
of people's lives.

Oh, well...

Do you want to stay in here
with me tonight?

Matt could take the spare room.
Right, Matt?

Oh, yes. That would make me feel
so much better.

- Oh, good.
- Thank you.

Aww.

Oh, you want me to go now?

- Mm-hmm.
- [softly] Thank you.

[laughs]

Man, puberty hit the Keller kids hard.

- Hey, can I talk to you guys?
- Sure, sweetie.

Oh, a sit-down talk.

You're not pregnant, are you?

So... [exhales]

I know you've been wondering
why I've been all, like, quiet lately.

[exhales] I've been trying to figure out
how to tell you.

I, um...

[exhales]

I have these feelings.

In me.

I tried talking myself out of it,

feeling this way, but...

[exhales]

...it's who I am.

Sorry, go ahead.

Or we could do this later. Up to you.
You want to do it later?

[Sean Jr. sighs] No.

I wanted you to know that I'm...

I'm an atheist.

Oh, we love you no matter...

What?

[laughs]

He's an atheist.

I thought he was gonna say...

I'm having more water.

I was nervous to tell you
'cause you raised me all Catholic

and I didn't want to upset you.

Oh, we're not upset.

Right, Sean?

[muffled] Unh-unh.

Oh.

So, do I tell Poppy Don

I'm not going to church on Christmas Eve,
or should you?

How's that now?

I mean, obviously I'm not gonna go
and just pretend to believe in God.

[laughs] Right. No. Obviously not.

[laughs]

Kayla, guess what I did
to make you feel better.

Invented a time machine
and undid all my life choices.

Almost. Um, yeah.

I, uh, dug up Mom's
old Christmas cookie cutters, and...

Ta-da!

They remind me of Mom.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't think that...
- I still want them.

Hey, um...

You don't need
to keep trying to be Mom for her.

Yeah. [chuckles]

- Gonna keep trying to be Mom for her?
- So much.

This is going to look great.

[growls]

[Matt chuckles]

I mean, that angel is...

angelic.

It goes on the roof.

Represents Emmy's mom,
looking down on all of us.

Wow.

Yeah, we've had this
house lighting tradition for years.

We let the grandkids flip on the lights.

We sing carols, drink hot cider.

Oh, I love hot cider.

People are always coming up to me,
like, "Hot chocolate rules."

I'm like, "Get away, dude. No way.

I'm a cider guy.
Hot cider for me, thanks."

We're gonna have hot chocolate, too.

Also really good.

Hmm.

Anyway...

I'm in love with your daughter, Mr. Quinn.

And when a man loves a woman who...

has a father...

traditionally...

uh...

Are you asking for my blessing
to marry Emmy?

Oh. Uh...

Yes, I-I was.

I am.

You are the first
of my three daughters' suitors

to have the guts to do this.

[exhales]

I really appreciate it.

Oh... [laughs]

You are quite welcome. [chuckles]

[exhales]

Which makes it
that much harder to say no.

You know,
after this whole Alan thing, I just...

realized I got to be more careful
about who I let into this family.

[sighs] But thanks for asking.

It means a lot.

Not enough, but a lot.

So he stomped on your hopes and dreams.

Welcome to the club, buddy.

[glasses clink]

I don't need his permission to ask,
you know?

I was just trying to be a gentleman.

See, that's why I didn't ask
for permission to marry Patsy.

Lost his respect, but avoided his wrath.
[chuckles]

Wassup!

Like I said, hold off on asking Emmy
to marry you on this trip.

But Christmas is the perfect time.

You know what?
He thinks he can intimidate me.

But when I want something, I go for it.

I just need to prove to him
that I'm good enough.

No. Not good enough.

Perfect.

- He's like a hurt baby duck.
- Mm-hmm.

You want to help, but maybe it's best
to let him waddle into the bushes

- and die.
- Oh.

Still got it.

Oh, God.

Hey. Just wanted to check in,
see if you needed any help.

I want to show you
that I'm a, uh... a, uh...

a vessel of dependability.

A vessel of...

Are you high, rock star?

'Cause you know I can still bust you
for that. This ain't LA.

Or Colorado.

Or Maine, or Alaska, or...

Good Lord, it'd take less time
to tell you the good states.

[Don mumbling]

Matt? What are you doing up there?

Just, uh, helping your dad
with the lights.

Oh.

Dad, do you want help?

[Don] Sure don't.

Matt, come on, we're making a fire.
Come watch Elf with me and Kayla.

[mouths] No!

[Emmy] My family's gonna be here
in an hour.

It's best to just let my dad do things
his way. The Quinn way.

[Don] Actually, I didn't know
it was that late.

I'm gonna need some help
to finish in time.

[chuckles] Oh!

Great. I'll stay.

I am here for you.

All right.

[grunting] On the roof.

Which is actually a lot higher
than you'd think.

I got a bad feeling about this.

Hey, nice.

That's a line from Star Wars.

It's actually repeated
in many of the, uh...

Oh, you don't care.

You know, this is actually
still a little crooked.

- Let me fix it real quick.
- Hey.

- We still have a lot to do.
- [Matt grunts]

I hear you, Mr. Quinn. But as an artist,

- I have an eye for these things.
- Hey, look!

I know you probably hate
the term "artist."

No, no! Look! Look!

- Sorry. Sorry!
- Don't stomp on her! That's my wife!

[Matt] Whoa. Whoa!

[Don grunts]

Wait.

Oh, my... Oh, my God,
it's sticking right in you.

Oh, look at it.

Look at it! Look!

I can't. It's in my forehead.

Ohh.

[thuds]

You are definitely tougher
than our nine-toed Santa.

[chuckles] Well...

that's the nice part about getting shot
early in my career, Nancy.

Any pain after that
is just playing for second.

My son was ten pounds at birth.

Every pain since, I'm like, "If it ain't
a giant baby being yanked out of me,

bring it."

[laughs]

[Don] This kid staples me in the head
and he's the one who faints.

I can't believe this is
the one my daughter brings home.

Look, Mr. Quinn. Don.

I know you're used
to getting your way, but you...

Oh, my God.
Is that sticking in your brain?!

Help me, help...

[thuds]

He's a bigger pain than a ten-pound baby.

[laughs]

You're such a hoot.

[laughs]

You're all alone on the holidays, too.

Aunt Kayla's talking to a fish.

It's been a long day, bud.

Where'd Sean Jr. go?

He's talking to my dad.
I knew I shouldn't have brought him.

You don't think he's gonna tell him
he's an atheist

when he's in the hospital, do you?

I actually think we should be proud
of Sean Jr. for not hiding who he is.

Maybe everybody shouldn't have to tiptoe
around your dad.

Kayla's talking to a fish and she seems
less crazy than you right now.

I tried to be there for Kayla
like Mom would've,

but everything I did today
just made her feel worse.

Maybe I'm just not cut out for it.

Being a mom.

I know it's taking longer than we thought,
but it's gonna happen.

Okay? And when it does,

you're gonna be great.

- [slight chuckle]
- All right?

Now Aunt Kayla's stealing the fish.

Our kid will be easier than her.

Hey, bud. I saw you talking
to Poppy Don in there.

That's fun.

I decided not to tell him.

[inhales sharply]

[exhales] Oh, thank God.

We're good.

[laughing] Okay.

I'm gonna go put my face
against some cold glass.

Sweetie,

you know you don't have to be afraid
to tell Poppy Don the truth, right?

No, I'm not.

I went in there to tell him.

Then I asked how he was doing.

And he said he knew he'd be fine

because Grammy Margaret
was up in heaven watching over him

and all of us.

[sighs] I just couldn't do it to the guy.

Well, I guess Dad's house lighting
is canceled.

[curtain slides]

This is just...

The nurse is making me.

I see what you're trying to do.

Fighting for Emmy.

I'm just doing the same thing.

Hey, so we have loving Emmy in common.

That's something, right?

In that it makes us opponents?

Okay.

Did you finish your juice?

Yes.

No.

[sighs] When you're finished,
you're clear to go.

You, on the other hand,
your heart rate's a bit elevated.

So I get to keep you a little longer.

[Don] Well...

guess there's worse things.

[Don chuckles]

You, uh...

You like her.

Who? Nancy?

No.

[stammers] Uh, I like her
as someone that I work with,

but I don't like her like her. I mean...

But even if I did,

it's only been three years
since my wife died.

And, uh, again,

I don't like her.

And why am I explaining myself to you?
Let's get you out of here.

Okay, Donny.

["O Christmas Tree" plays]

Hot cider for you, sir.

You couldn't be home for the lights,
so I figured we bring the lights to you.

[exhales] This is something.

I bet Mom's looking down and smiling.

[chuckles, sniffs]

[glasses clink]

[Don chuckles]

You guys did all this for them?

Eh, this family's a pain in the butt,
but they're our pain in the butt.

- But yeah, they are a pain in the butt.
- Such a pain in the butt. Yeah.

- Sorry it's been so crazy.
- [Matt sighs]

Oh, at least it's going by quick.

We've already been here, what?
Three, four days?

- Twelve hours.
- Oh, God.

["It's Beginning To Look A Lot
Like Christmas" plays]

Oh, hi. [chuckles]

Look at you two. Matching bracelets.

- Bracelet buddies.
- [Don laughs]

Don't ruin it.

Uh... you know
what would make this perfect?

If you'd just agree
to meet with Ted Boseman.

- Oh, God.
- Not to take a job, just to chat.

You know,

as a favor to an old man
who just got staple-gunned in the head.

Okay. [chuckles]

Okay. Stop bugging me and I'll do it.

[Don chuckles]

Mmm.

♪ It's beginning to look a lot
Like Christmas ♪

Wait.

[Don] ♪ Everywhere I go ♪

So you are going to meet with that guy?

Oh, just to get my dad off my back.

Seriously, don't worry.

♪ With candy canes
And silver lanes aglow ♪

[Todd chuckles]

Worry. Seriously.

Don always gets his way.

- The Quinn way.
- Definitely.

♪ Toys in every store ♪

♪ But the prettiest sight to see ♪

I wonder what would happen
if we could somehow loosen Don up a bit.

I mean, that'd be good
for all of us, right?

The Quinns and Quinn-laws.

[scoffs] Quinn-laws.

[chuckles]

Oh, that's good. He's good.

Hey, Ted.

[chuckles]

Emmy has agreed to meet with you.

Now, all you have to do is just make her
a job offer that she can't refuse,

and you will have paid me back
for not arresting you

for drunk and disorderly,

and attempting to intoxicate
a police horse.

Yeah.

That was a heck of a Thanksgiving night
you had there, Ted.

♪ Right within your heart ♪