Men of a Certain Age (2009–2011): Season 2, Episode 1 - If I Could, I Surely Would - full transcript

Last season, on "Men of a Certain Age"...

*** people getting worse?

No, I gotta go.

Don't get me wrong, Marcus is a winner.

*

***

Possibly.

Who's that?

Hey, so listen the new...

What the hell are you doing here?

*** and settle up.



I don't care why you are over here,
you can't come over here, okay?

You have no idea, how much work
it takes to be an actor.

Hey, it's just a number, my friends.

Just a...

Oh.

And try something else.

**

- Oh, thank you.
- Good to see you.

I want to introduce to you the new guy,
his name is Therry.

**

Stop, ***.

Good.

***

You may actually have a shot.



# I'd rather be a sparrow than a snail... #

# Yes, I would, #

# if I could, #

# I surely would, #

# I'd rather be a hammer than a nail, #

- # Yes, I would, #
- Good morning.

# if I could, #

This is daddy's new pump.
No more needles for daddy.

# I surely would. #

# Away, I'd rather sail away, #

# like a swan, #

# that's here and gone. #

# A man gets tied up to the ground, #

# he gives the world its saddest sound, #

- # its saddest sound #
- Come on!

# I'd rather be a forest than a street, #

# yes, I would, #

# if a could, #

# I surely would. #

Hey!

Good morning, boss.

Morning.

Joe.

Hey.

- Hi. What's up?
- Hi. Stephanie.

My son is in Lucy's class? Danny?

- Yes, yes. Sorry. Sorry.
- Danny's mom.

- Yeah.
- Hi.

How's it goin'?

Danny says you're on the senior tour?

Trying. Trying... not on it yet.

Actually got a long way
to go before I'm ready.

Plus, you got to be 50, and
that's way couple months away.

Well, see you on campus. Bye, Joe.

- Oh, goodbye...
- Stephanie.

Stephanie. Right.

- Stephanie and Bonnie.
- Stephanie and Bonnie. Got it.

- Good luck.
- Thank you.

You don't have to know
all the moms' names...

But you should at least know
the single ones.

# When I grow up to be a man, #

# will I dig the same things
that turn me on as a kid? #

# Will I look back and say, #

# that I wish I hadn't done what I did? #

# Will I joke around, #

# and still dig those sounds #
# will I still joke around #

# when I grow up to be a man? #
# And still dig those sounds. #

No, look, I'm not saying you
had anything to do with it.

I'm just saying that you
were a dick in my dream.

I've had that dream.

More coffee?

Yeah. Let him have his coffee 'cause
he's still getting his body clock adjusted

to "having a job" time.

Here you go, Ter.

Thank you, Laura.

Mm-hmm.

Anybody else?

No. I'm okay, thanks.

All right.

So you're hitting the range
a lot these days, huh?

Yeah, yeah, doing my thing.

Let me ask you...
I'm there, right?

These two single moms
from the school come by.

Well, how do they know I'm
separated from Sonia already?

What is there, a sense
of a smell I give off?

Well, they have to look past
the smell, but, shit, yeah!

It's a radar that they have.

Come on. You're on the market,

you got to get used to it.

They never even looked at me before,
and now they're all...

Flirty. It's crazy.

Well, it could be all in your head.

Although there's probably not enough room,

with all the other crazy
shit going on up there.

Yeah, no.

Anyway, I'm not gonna do...
start a whole... whatever.

You don't have to marry them.
Just... get in, get out.

That's... that's creepy
with the lean and the inflection.

Look, he's right, though.
You can't turn into a hermit now, Joe.

Your divorce is finalizing.
You gotta be out there.

Plus, you already got back
on the horse with Dori.

Yeah, and the horse left and
kicked me right in the nuts.

So find a new horse.

No, no. I'm not gonna get into a whole thing
that isn't gonna go anywhere.

Plus, I just... I need my space. Okay?

That, I can understand.

I mean, I got a lot on my own plate now.

Trying to learn the
ropes at his place...

Hmm, I'm still hungry. You know what?

I'm in the mood for
something chocolate, I think.

Yeah. Let me...

Hmm.

Wow.

Yeah.

Come on. For real?

It's your future, too, a-holes.

My future's a fake nose and glasses?

Oh, funny.
That's funny.

I'm trying to think
of who you look like.

Just let it go. All right?

You know, really. Seriously.

Let it go. This is how it is.

How bad is it?

No, I'm not kidding. How bad?

I know I don't have a glasses head, and
this is why I kept putting the shit off.

You look fine. Really. Really.

It's Papillon.

- What?
- You're Dustin Hoffman when he was Papillon.

First of all, Steve McQueen was Papillon.

Okay? Not Dustin Hoffman.

Yeah, and Hoffman had thick,
round glasses in that movie.

Yeah, but still, I'm
gonna call you Papillon.

Papillon didn't wear glasses.

The guy who wore the glasses
wasn't called Papillon.

Yeah, but you still get it.

- No, you don't get it.
- No, you look fine.

Okay? Just relax. Okay. Here. Take this.

All right, how 'bout this?

How 'bout I buy you dessert
in honor of your dying eyes?

No. I forgot I can't get
dessert, so forget it.

What do you mean, you can't get dessert?

I made a bet on the range today.

A bet?

Not a bet bet, a, you know,
"in my mind" bet.

I tried to hit the 100-yard marker.
I gave myself 10 shots.

And I couldn't do it.

And that's what I bet. I bet...
No sweets for a week.

A week. Damn it.

I couldn't find my 9-iron.

I left it at the hotel when I moved out,
and that's why.

I would have hit a punch
9- iron to that damn target.

So no dessert.

Nope. Not for me.

I, uh, I gotta go.

- Come on, come on, come on. I gotta go.
- What, what, what?

I still got 20 minutes. Right, boss?

Um... Yeah.

What happened to "space"?

I don't need as much as you.

- Was that you?
- Yeah.

I'm sorry. I gotta go.

Well, you don't actually mean
right this second, do you?

- Because...
- I know. Me too.

But I absolutely... Have to be back...

By 1:30,

because I have a sales meeting
and after that I'm up.

If I'm not back...

Another salesman may get my customer.

Look, I'm really trying to do this right.

Owen got me this job as a big favor.

So when you said that
you only had 20 minutes,

you meant exactly 20 minutes.

I thought I could make it work.

Okay.

I really can't.

Wow.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Can you drive me?

Guys, um...

This is one sorry-ass board.

Congrats, if you want to call it that,
go to Carl, taking the crown with 9!

Oh. Thank you. Thank you.

Uh, look, um, I know.
It's been a couple weird months.

A lot of transition.

So, Marcus quitting
like a little bitch...

We're calling that a transition... got it.

So, anyway, um...

You know, I was thinking all last night
about what to say to you guys today.

And, uh, here it is.

We're a team.

We're gonna win a lot of championships.

All right. Let's go.

Phones in here.

Aw, come on.

Come on. Let's go. Let's go.

It's only gonna be a few minutes.

Okay? So, once again...

Team, us.

And I want to make sure that
the game plan I have come up with,

is something that you're
all on board with, okay?

I want to discuss it.

Get your input.

Get us all working together.

Now, there's never
gonna be a perfect system,

where everybody here is
100% happy with everything.

Oh, don't mind me.

I'm just getting
something from my office.

You know what? I don't want to keep
everybody off the floor,

so we'll cover this stuff later, okay?

So, uh, let's go...
hoo!... Sell some cars!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Great.

So, you ever
bang anyone famous?

Sorry.

You ever make love to anyone famous?

I'm not sure how many times
we have to go over this,

but I'm not really into discussing
my sex life with you guys.

What's the big deal?
Was she really famous?

Or... was he?

- Oh, shit.
- Good stuff.

- Uh, hey, fellas.
- Oh, what's up, boss?

Um, you know, I don't want to be a dick,
but, um, how 'bout some cold-calling?

Mm. [ chuckling ] cold-calling.

Let me call you back on that.

Yeah, right, but, um, seriously.

Here we go, "o."

Who's up?

Uh, you are, if you
can sell cars to the homeless.

Uh, but if you will excuse me.

Why don't we, uh, let Terry take this one?

But I'm up.

Yeah, well, there you go.
Maybe he's a millionaire in disguise.

- Hey, I-I'm cool with either customer.
- Take the lady.

Okay.

Hey, there. I'm Terry.

- Can I answer any questions for you?
- As a matter of fact, you can.

My son told me about a
new model of car you have

- called a Cruze?
- Well, sure.

- It's right here.
- Ah. Of course.

This car gets great mileage.
You can go 550 miles on a tank.

That's round-trip to Vegas...

Or... or 50 trips to Encino,
depending on what you're into.

Well, that all sounds good.
Is that the price?

Uh, basically, yes.

Should we... go in there
to take care of everything?

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

I don't know why you guys
keep selling these things.

We're gonna run out of oil in June!

June!

Yeah, we're all just crazy, I guess.

Biodiesel.

- Yep. Yep. Biodiesel.
- It's the only way.

Yeah, I know.

I just want to
double-check with my son,

and I'll be back tomorrow.

Great. Great. Don't go buying it
from somebody else, though.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- What happened?
- She wanted to check with her son

about the trunk space.

But don't worry. She's coming back.

Dude, they never come back.

Look, I know the conventional
wisdom and all that.

This is different.

You know, for a guy who
hasn't made a sale...

"o"...

I've been here a while now.

Right? I know how you guys do things,
and that's totally valid.

But at its heart, this is and I know
people, right? And I know people.

Ah, then you know how
pissed off I am right now.

All I can tell you is I'm doing my best.

- Right. Right.
- And I'm gonna come through for you.

I promise. Trust me.

But I gotta do it my way. Okay?

Can we... can we at least agree on that?

- Okay, okay. Okay. Okay.
- Okay. All right.

The millionaire spit on me.

Um, I wouldn't worry too much
about the numbers, daddy.

Homeless guy out there says we're
gonna run out of oil in June.

Anyway, um, you know, Terry's
still getting adjusted,

and weather-wise we're getting screwed.

Well, I think it's pretty simple, son.

You got to get Marcus back.

Daddy.

Yeah.

As far as your friend goes...

I can't do that, daddy.

Well...

You're the boss.

Hey.

Hey, boss. What's shakin'?

Not much.

Not much.

Well, don't let me interrupt.

I'm gonna run a comb through this,
grab some coffee.

"Greek mythology",
you're reading that, huh?

- Yeah.
- What about the, uh, Sisyphus guy?

- You get to him yet?
- Yeah.

He was kind of an idiot.

No. What?

He was a guy putting his head down,
doing his job, you know?

Just pushing that rock.

Yeah, but it was kind of a dumb guy
who screwed around all the time,

so the gods punished him
by giving him that job.

Well, that's...

Is that right?

Do you want me to drive you?

- Let's go.
- Waiting for you.

Bye, dad. I took $10 off
your dresser for lunch.

All right. Well, you
stole from me. Okay.

See you Tuesday.

Oh, hey, you got Dr. Schneider
today, Albert. Don't forget.

Oh, I know.

All right, bye!

Don't let me
see those Friday morning.

I see those out on Friday,
I swear, I knock 'em over.

Send a little message.

Yeah. What's that? What's that message?

The message is, get off your lazy ass
and bring in the empties.

You're uglying up my neighborhood.

But I'm not talking
about your cans, Joe,

because I know you're not
gonna piss me off like that.

And do people know it's
you knocking over cans?

Oh, yeah. I'm kind of
like the Mayor around here.

Me and Bullethead, we keep an eye
on the quality-of-life stuff...

garbage, picking up dog crap.

Trust me. Every neighborhood
should have one of me.

Come on, let me give you a quick tour.
I'll show you what's what.

Ah, no, I gotta get to the store.
I'm good. I know my way around now.

No, you don't.

Come on, it's morning.
Let me show you where to get coffee.

I got a... I...

You drink coffee, Joe?

One guy left his sprinklers on all night.

I knocked his cans over.

It's not about the garbage, Joe.
It's about the message.

Okay, this dry cleaner
I bring my stuff to?

Older couple... I think they're Jewish.

They got the thing in the door,
and they're always yellin'.

Anyway, man, they're good.
Any stain I got, they can handle it.

No questions asked.

Here we go. Mahmood's.

Get up.

I'm telling you...
The guy makes a good cup of coffee.

Even if I hate the prick.

Every morning I come in here,
we make eye contact...

I gotta say good morning to
him before he says it to me.

Every time.

You know what? Not today.
I ain't sayin' it.

And he don't say it first, I'm throwing
that coffee right on the floor,

'cause that's bullshit.

As far as bars go,

Mulligan's is kind of my home turf.

They got the big screens,
and the waitresses are hot.

Even the ugly one.

Hey, what are you doing tonight?
We should go watch eagles-giants.

Hmm. Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, listen.

I can't hang out with you.

I'm on the wagon now...

You know, gambling-wise...
And I got my life...

I- I got it moving forward.
I got things under control.

So... Sorry. I just...
I gotta draw the line...

With you.

Well, I'm not gonna bullshit you, Joe.

That hurt my feelings.

- Well, no, come on. I mean...
- You understand, Joe?

I don't need your action.

I got plenty of dipshits
I'm doing business with.

I just want to hang out,
'cause we had some laughs.

I thought we could do it again,
but if you're gonna get all "woe is me,"

then forget about it.

Look, I-I'm sorry. I'm just...

I'm just talking about
throwing some darts,

drinking a beer, watching the game.

Nobody's talking about gambling.

- I know, I know, but...
- You know what gambling we'd do?

A couple of desperate women walk in,
we play a little skank roulette.

All right, look, look.

If you're just talking about
going and having some fun,

then... all right.

All right. It might be good.

- So you'll be there?
- Yeah. All right. I'll go.

You're definitely gonna be there?

'cause I'm gonna shower,
and I hate showerin' for nothin'.

Yeah. I'll be there.

All right!

- Thattaboy, Joe.
- Yeah. Okay.

You are sick.

What?

You are sick.

You ugly in the face.

What? Don't give me that, Mahmood.

You should be more polite to people.

You are the impolite one.

You are no one to yell
at me about my actions.

- This is my store.
- I'll yell all I want.

How about I yell immigration, huh?

- How'd you like that?
- I'm a legal citizen.

Hey, Joe. Mulligan's tonight.

- I'm buyin'.
- All right.

Say hello to me!

Um, you know what? I want to tell you.

When I was in high school,
I was in "Godspell."

I played Judas.

And I got quite my share of strange.

Okay.

I don't belong here.

What?

I don't belong here.

No, you're right.

I can't do sales my way.

Because there is no "my way."

There's your way, there's the right way,
and then there's me.

and the combo...
I... it just isn't working. I'm trying.

I... it just ain't me. Right?

Believe me, I wish it was.

I wish I could manipulate people into deals
and not feel shitty about it like you guys.

I appreciate that you took a chance on me,
but I think we both know now that this...

this was a bad idea.

I... I'm not gonna leave you hangin'.

I'll stick until you can
find a replacement, but...

Thanks.

- Well...
- Thank you for the opportunity.

Mm.

Guess I'm back to being
the best-looking guy here.

***

Since you quit, you're gonna, what,
share custody of me?

No. No. I told you. We're totally cool.

He knows that I appreciate everything,

and I'm gonna be there for him
until he finds a replacement.

It's just... I'm trying to make it easy
for him, 'cause the whole boss thing...

is kicking his ass a little.

- What are you gonna do next?
- I am gonna...

Not think about what I'm gonna do next.

You just blew my mind.

- You're welcome.
- Yeah.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, hey, I like your pendant.

- Is that Me & Ro?
- Good eye.

I got it before all the celebrities,
I'll have you know.

Hey, have you been to that
little place on Hyperion

that has those studded bracelets?

- You'd love those.
- I do love those.

Hmm.

Yeah. Okay.

She's not here, the other one?
The... what's her name?

- I guess she's not working.
- Laura?

No, Laura's not working.

Gonna see her tonight.

For more than 20 minutes.

Horrible.

It's just sex, Joe.

- You should give it a try.
- Yeah, yeah.

The whole "bang, zoom"... it's...

How do you look at yourself
in the mirror after? Seriously.

I do not bang and zoom.

- You know, I get it. I like women.
- Yeah.

I just... I don't like to hurt 'em,
and you do, I guess.

- Oh. Now I like to hurt women?
- Well, kind of, in the long run.

- You know?
- You are funny...

Father Joe.

What about the hygienist?

Hmm?

- You had sex on a first date.
- That's just it.

We... Dori and I... we connected.

You know, there
was something...

I wasn't gonna. Ohh.

I gotta feel something.
I gotta feel a connection.

That's just it. I'm not like you.
I don't bang-zoom.

Yeah, I guess I should just accept it.

I... I... I like to hurt women,
and you like to marry them.

Yeah.

No, I'm not ready for that again.

How do you look at yourself
in the mirror, though?

Naked, usually.

Hmm.

That's all you got?

No, my mind just completely shut down.

Hey, Mr. T.

That hotel you used to
live at left a message.

They said they have
your 9-iron or something.

Oh, yeah?

Ohh. Damn it.

I just drove by there on
the way back from lunch.

Yeah, okay. All right. Thanks.

I'd be eating dessert right now
if I had that 9-iron yesterday.

Yeah, it's nothing.
All right, forget about it.

All right. Oh. And, uh,
Mr. Manfro stopped by.

What? He stopped by here?

Yeah, he told me to remind you
to get to mulligan's by 8:00.

Otherwise, you get the
ugly-waitress table.

Yeah. Okay. All right. Thanks.

- All right?
- Yeah.

- Hey, Mr. Tranelli.
- Hey, Jerry. How you doin'?

Good, good.

Uh, nice to see you.

Are you back... with us?

No, no. I think there's a
9- iron back here somewhere.

Uh...

There we go.

Yeah.

Nice-looking club.

Yeah. Thanks. I've been missing this.

All right.

Hey. Michelle?

- No way.
- Joe.

- Joe! Yeah, of course. Joe.
- Yeah.

Where have you been, uh, hiding?

I've been here since Tuesday.
I haven't seen you around.

Yeah, I... I don't stay here.
I came by to get my club.

I, uh, got my own place now.

You know, just real place,
real furniture.

Yeah, it's real.

I sound like a 16-year-old.

Anyway, I'm just...

I'm just... it's weird to be back here.

Mm.

Well, are you... are you...
are you hanging out, or...?

Well, I'm supposed to...

I'm gonna watch the game
with a neighbor of mine.

But, uh, anyway, you're working, right?

Uh, yeah. Oh.

Yes, yes, I am.

I'm working very hard. Yeah.

I've never eaten pasta
in a bikini before.

You saw my stomach before we ate.

In case I bloat, you know
I've got a washboard belly.

I saw that. Yeah.
Yeah, pretty flat.

Pilates four times a week, so...

- Wow.
- Yeah.

It better be.

Jesus, how can a no-name
hotel make a pasta this good?

That's salt, really.

- Ah.
- I could do that.

No, this chicken's crazy. Taste that.

Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

- Right? Yeah.
- Mmm!

- I'll take that whenever you're ready.
- Okay. Thank you.

Thank you.

All right. Now...

Sorry you gotta see this, but...

You just had dinner with grandpa.

- I like it!
- No, you don't.

- Stop it.
- No, I like it. No. Mm.

You look like...

Don't say "Papillon."

A... Corporate stud lawyer.

Really? Wow. Mm-hmm.

- All right.
- Papillon?

No, that's nothing.

Stud lawyer.

I like that.

Should we get some dessert?

The guy didn't even ask us.

Yeah, let's get...
Oh, no, no. No.

You can... go ahead. Yeah.

I'm just on a... This thing...

A one-week
no-dessert diet.

You trying to save me from myself, Joe?

Is this an intervention?

No, no, no.

You don't need... saving.

Listen, um...

This was fun.

I had fun, too.

So, uh, when can I see you again?

How about now?

Should we get a drink, maybe?

You want to go downstairs
and get something?

Oh, no. I'm just...
I'm, uh, just fine.

Just fine.

Come over here.

Yeah, listen, I just, uh...

I don't want to hurt you.

I don't... I don't think...
maybe we shouldn't do this,

'cause... I don't know.
It's not fair, really.

Aw, Joe, you're not freaking out
on me like last time, are you?

Put the glasses on.

Yeah?

I'm outside.

Hey.

It's good to be the king, huh?

Yes, Marcus. Yes, it is.

Y'all need to stop playing around, okay?

Just 'cause I came with the old man

don't mean I got to go
home with him, all right?

Hey, thanks again for picking me up.

You know, I really am in the mood to suck
back a few of these on the Thoreau dime.

- You know what I'm sayin'?
- I do. I do know what you're sayin'.

So, um, let's not beat
around the bush. Hmm?

We want you back.

I know there was a little
bad blood at the end there,

but the truth is, you're, um...

kind of, um...

irreplaceable.

Uh-huh.

Your father put you up to this?

No. No.

Hmm.

Listen, Owen.

I'm just gonna be honest with you. Okay?

I believe 100% I should have your job.

You know, I'm just saying,
based on skill...

Come on...

Ain't no way you should be running
that place instead of me.

But, hey...

You got something more
important than skill...

Blood.

Okay, and, you know,
I should have known better

than get involved with
a family business, man.

So that's on me. But, hey...

You're the man, right?

And the man is the man no
matter how he got to be the man.

You want the job... or not?

Well, shit, Owen...

Do I want the job?

Do I want to go work for Scarpulla?

Who happens to be kicking
your monkey asses right now.

Well, you know where
I was gonna go work?

That Beverly Hills
Aston Martin dealership

selling some sexy-ass James Bond shit.

- You know what I'm saying?
- So why don't you?

I'm just weighing options.

Is that right?

What?

You think I need you
more than you need me?

Shoot, I'm not the
one paying for dinner.

To my best salesman?

Yeah.

I'm gonna need another one of these.

And... Ladies.

Order whatever y'all want, okay?

From the good folks
at Thoreau Chevrolet.

Hmm?

- Okay.
- Yes.

It's actually called the champions
tour, not the senior tour.

Yeah, I don't like calling it that,
'cause then it sounds like I'm bragging.

That's really great.

Yeah, but, yeah, I still got
to get my game in great shape

just to have a chance at it, so...

You better do it.

I'd really rather tell people I slept with a
pro-golfer than a party-store owner.

You know what I mean?

Nothing against party stores.

In fact, I'm gonna go ahead and tell people
I'm sleeping with a pro-golfer.

Yeah, 'cause we're doing this again, Joe.

- Oh, yeah?
- That's non-negotiable.

No, no.

No argument there.

Yeah. Mmm.

All right, you gotta get out of here.

Mm.

Oh. Oh, yeah. I just...

- I thought...
- No, I know, but you gotta go.

I have a 7:30 breakfast meeting.

My stupid city contact is picking me up,
and you can't be here when I wake up, so...

- Oh, I can't?
- No, because...

I'll be an hour late. You gotta go.

Yeah. No, I get it.

No, you don't want to be late. Yeah.

I got a whole bunch of stuff tomorrow.

I'm here for four weeks, Joe.

I know you like me.

- Mm-hmm.

Call me. Leave a message.

And...

Enough of this "shy boy" crap.
I think we're past that.

Oh, yeah.

- Bye, Joe.
- Okay.

Phew.

- Thanks. [ singsong voice]
- I'm bangin' a golf-pro.

Okay.

You know, I ain't
gonna make it in tomorrow, man.

I got to sleep this off.

Tell everybody my big comeback's
the day after tomorrow.

Yeah.

Okay. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, "o." okay, now what?

Huh? Now what?!

Yeah, let all them Camaro
horses out on this Volvo's ass.

Come on, "o."

No, no, no, no. Wait, wait, "o."

Yo, back off, "o."

You see this truck, right?

Owen.

Owen, he's not playin', Owen.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Shit!

Oh, my God! You are the man!

You are the man! That was awesome!

Owen tells me you're leaving us.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I am.

Um, but I don't want you to
think that I don't appreciate

- that this was a great opportunity.
- No explanation necessary.

Come on up to my office for a minute.

Sure.

Well, I'm not one to stand
in anyone's way, but...

Truthfully, son, you
ought to be good at this.

- Uh, yeah, well, look, I appreciate...
- Not just okay, but good.

You're good-looking,
You're... you're funny,

and damn it, people
actually like talking to you.

I appreciate the compliments, but
I... I really don't belong here.

I mean, you can ask the other salesmen.

I'm not really jibing, you know?

Well, the reason you don't jibe
with those knuckleheads

is because you are a winner,
and guess what they are.

They're the bunch of losers
who want to keep you down,

because the minute you
figure this shit out,

you're gonna be taking
food out of their mouths.

They don't have the charm.

And you do, son.

You can't teach it.

And I can't bear to see
such a good-looking prospect

walk out of my door without
giving him every chance to shine.

Uh, look, I...

I do feel like I'm
good with the customers.

Mm-hmm.

You know, I can chat them up,

- and I can get them on my side.
- The charm.

Right. But, but...
here's the thing.

When it gets to the business part,

I just feel fake.

I feel like I'm just using them.

Mm. Mm.

Owen...

Owen tells me that you're
quite the ladies' man.

- Well...
- What is it they call it these days...

A cocksman?

That's... that's just
more reputation than...

I was a bit of a cocksman
back in the NBA, myself.

And one of these days, I'm
gonna have to introduce Owen

to his long-lost brother in Portland.

I'm kidding.

What I'm getting at is that both of us

understand how a conversation
with a lady should go.

How it should always
appear to be organic,

while at the same time,
having a certain goal in mind.

- O- kay.
- That is the key for you, son.

You got to think of customers as women,

not as people.

They want to do it.
They just don't know it yet.

Well, um...

That's... that's...

Yeah, I'm gonna be
around a few more days.

So I... you know, I'll just...

I'll keep that in mind.

No time like the present, son.

You need any help?

Oh, yeah. Um, you got that new Cruze?

Yeah. Right over here.

This one's got alloy wheels,
leather, great gas mileage.

How's the pickup?
Don't want anything wimpy.

Oh, no. Yeah.

You want to go with something,
uh, about like the turbo, I guess.

Little more oomph. Huh?

Uh-huh.

Uh...I'm not sure.

Um...

Just hold on. I'm gonna check something.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's cool.

Take your time.

You a skier?

Oh, yeah. Big-time.

This has got a backseat... folds down.

Get your skis and all
your gear in there.

Plus, I see that you are a phone guy.

Check this...

Out.

You can warm this up while
you're still sitting in the lodge.

Nice.

Look.

We can haggle over the numbers.

What do you say we at least
go and start the paperwork?

Might as well see what
the damage is gonna be.

Good enough.

Come on. Right over here.

- Have a seat.
- All right.

"Gonna start the paperwork."
Never said that before.

Can I have a contract
over there, please?

Are you seeing this?

He might actually sell one.

Oh, he's gonna sell one.
This is a house deal.

- Oh, no, really?
- Yeah, yeah.

Rick Larsen called me today and
said that his son is coming in.

I said I'd set him up.

No, it's gonna be good.

Your boy just needs to get on the board.

Once he gets a taste,
he's gonna be all right.

I'm doing the part where I say
"I gotta go talk to my manager."

I... I think he's into the
satellite radio, too.

- This is good.
- Yeah.

- This is good.
- Yeah.

I mean, I... I... I'm getting this.

Anyway...

When's Marcus coming back?

Tomorrow.

Good.

Oh, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon.

Oh, God. It's not the club.
It's me. I suck.

Aw, shit.

Hey, man.

All right, so, um...

Let's, uh, welcome back,

weighing in at 190 pounds,

the former and current champeen,

straight out of the inland empire,

the hella sella himself,

Marcus brand!

Yeah, everything old is new again.

Okay, here we go.

What up?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. H-hold on.

No, just stepping outside
to get a better cell signal.

Can you put that damn
thing away, or you're fired?

You got 30 sales?

'cause last time I checked,
he does 30 sales a month.

I'll tell you what.
Everybody in here who's got 30 sales...

Get out your phones...

And make all the calls you want.

Okay.

I guess that means "shut up and listen."

And, dickhead...

Lose the bike.