Men at Work (2012–2014): Season 3, Episode 8 - Suburban Gibbs - full transcript

Okay. Shark versus bear -
who wins?

Easy. Bear wins on land,
shark wins at sea.

What about on neutral ground?

Neutral ground?

Like what, the sky?

No, I mean make it
a fair fight -

ocean floor,
but the bear gets scuba gear.

- Interesting.
- Yeah.

Hey, how did your date
with Kelly go?

Did you finally...

Start an old-timey car?



I'm making sex noises.

Consensual-sex noises?

Anyway, the answer is no,
we have not yet had relations.

Why not?

She wants to wait,
and I'm cool with it.

She's fun.
She's sophisticated.

Plus, she's got
an adequate sense of humor,

given how beautiful she is.

She is very pretty
for a drug dealer.

She's not a drug dealer.

She's a pharmaceutical rep.

Hey, I'm not wearing
a wire, man. Relax.

Milo, what are you doing?

Well, I don't have a job,
as you know,



so every penny counts.

Milo, I know you're trying

this whole young-adult fiction
thing -

Yeah, it's called
writing a novel.

And as your friend,
I'd like to be supportive.

So that's why I'm gonna cover
your rent this month.

Tyler, I can't let you do that.

Oh, yeah, sure you can, man.

Think of me as a patron
of the arts, someone who -

Okay, deal.

Great!

Are you sure you can
really afford to do this?

You let me worry about whether
or not I can afford it.

Thanks, man.
I don't know what to say.

I feel a little choked up.

Ha ha.
You're crying.

And the moment's passed.

I know it's crazy,

but I still don't know who I am
exactly without Amy.

A man dressed
like Frodo's accountant?

What?

Was that
your first Neal insult?

'Cause that wasn't bad.

It was accurate.
It was snarky.

I give it a 9.

Not a 10?

Nobody gets a 10.

Remember Milo got a 10 once,

for that thing he said
about Neal's balls?

Oh, yeah!
But that's very rare.

Hey, handsome.

Kelly, what are you doing here?

I had a meeting nearby.
We're launching a new drug.

Hey, you know
what would be great?

A pill that can sober you up
in 30 seconds.

We actually have
something like that.

Unfortunately,
the side effects include nausea,

loose stool,
and low-grade cannibalism.

Ooh, nausea -
no, thank you.

Hey, well, can you hang out?
Maybe we can grab some lunch.

I can't, but I did want
to invite you

out to my place tomorrow.

Your place?
That's a big step.

Could it be the step?

Well, I thought we could,
you know,

finally make a night of it.

I would love to make
a night of it.

Maybe even a night
and part of the next day of it.

I think you're gonna love
Parsippany.

It's so quiet and quaint.

I hope it's not too quiet,
if you catch my drift.

You know,
for such a handsome guy,

you've got more
than an adequate sense of humor.

Sounds like somebody's
finally gonna...

Resuscitate a drowning victim?

Wait, did she say Parsippany?

Yeah, that's
where she commutes from. So?

So, have you ever been
to the suburbs, Gibbs?

I've driven through them.

'Cause it's different
out there.

People wear khaki pants,

eat turkey burgers,
and listen to Maroon 5.

I'm only going out
for one night.

You won't last an hour.

That's not true.
Ask any lady I've been with.

Are you running a generator?

You're a city guy, Gibbs.

Those people will feed off your
cool, urban life force like zombies.

I think you're being
a little dramatic.

All right. I look forward
to saying "I told you so."

- It's not gonna happen.
- Okay. I warned you.

- I'll be fine.
- You know best.

Why do you keep doing that thing
where your voice goes up?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Have fun out there.

Come on, Milo.

A book is written one word
at a time.

"Wind."

Nailed it.

Hey.
How's the writing going?

Good, man.
Really flowing right now.

Hey, I, uh, have to go
into the office tomorrow.

Is there any way you can wait
for the Fedex guy,

since you're gonna be here
anyway?

- Yeah, sure. No problem.
- Great.

Oh, and, um, if it's not
too much trouble,

could you run
to the dry cleaners for me?

Oh, well, I'll be writing.

Well, maybe it'll inspire you.

Which part -
the endless rotation of shirts,

or the smell
of deadly chemicals?

Ha.

Yeah, I-I can't really start
and stop my work

like that, you know?

I kind of need time to get
into the zone.

You're right.
I'm sorry.

I just thought that
because I'm covering

your half of the rent
this month,

it might make you feel good
about yourself to help out.

Oh.

Yeah, well...
I guess so.

Great.
Thanks so much.

Yeah, sure.

Oh, and can you pick up
my new iPhone?

Oh, my God,
you are such a doll.

Get back to work.
Can't wait to read the book.

Wow, look at you.

Look at me? Look at you.

Now look at me again.

Got here okay
from the train station?

Oh, yeah -
jumped in a cab,

we took a left at a strip mall,

then a right
at another strip mall,

then we took a left
at the Applebee's...

Which is also in a strip mall.

Are you making fun
of Parsippany?

Not at all.

I love the trees,
the wide-open spaces.

And what is that weird smell?

Fresh air.

Okay.
Anyway, this is for you.

Aww.
They're beautiful.

And this is for us.

I love it.

So, you sure you want
to make a night of it?

Oh, we're definitely gonna
make a night of this.

It's open!

Is everybody decent?

Neal?

I brought lemon squares.

Oh, delish.

Dolphin art.
Sweet.

Neal, what the hell
are you doing here?

I invited him.

I called your place last night.

Neal answered.
I sensed he was lonely.

'Cause I told her I was lonely.

So, I said, "why not bring
dessert to the party?"

Party?

It's open!

Hi, everyone!

- Hi, Kelly!
- Hey!

Ooh, nice.

What - what - what -

w- what's happening?

I'm gonna show you how we party
Parsippany style.

Yeah, you are.

I brought turkey burgers!

Let's crank up the Maroon 5!

Whoo!

Whoo!
Whoo!

Out here, it's kind of rude

not to "whoo"
when somebody "whoo"s.

Oh. Whoo.

You can do better.

Whoo!

You'll get there.

Gibbs, these are my neighbors
Mark, Steve, and Jim.

And get this - Mark installed
everyone's track lighting.

Guilty!

You like track lighting, Gibbs?

'Cause we do.
We like it a lot.

I guess I've never
really thought about it.

We got a live one!

I knew you guys
were gonna be best friends.

I'm gonna go grab
some more diet Chardonnay -

same buzz...

- Half the sugar!
- Half the sugar!

- Wait, baby, don't -
- Hey, Gibbs.

Can you believe this jackass

installed a low-flow toilet
in his master bathroom?

Yeah, flush like a man, Jim!

I mean...

Out here, we do this thing

where we all make fun
of each other.

- We're pretty ruthless.
- Yeah.

She's coming back, right?

Hey, Gibbs, I want you
to try one of my bams.

You know what that stands for?

Big-ass Margarita!

- Bam!
- Bam! - Bam!

Well, awesome, guys.

Can you give me a minute?

No...
But I'll sell you one.

You are on fire tonight.

Can you believe this?

I know.

This is literally the best party
I have ever been to.

This is the best party?

People laugh
at everything I say.

Check this out.

Oh, hey, Stacey.

You drinking hard,
or hardly drinking?

It's like in this universe,
I'm Chris Rock.

Hey, Kelly.

This is all great,

but I kind of thought tonight
would just be you and me.

Relax. I just wanted you
to meet my friends first.

But the more fun we have now,

the more I'm gonna want
to later.

Hey, guys.

Bam!

Bam!
Bam! Bam!

Ah!

- Hey.
- Hey.

Got your dry cleaning. Lady said they
couldn't get the stain out of your blazer.

Well, did you tell them
to try again?

No.

Milo, you can't just let people

walk all over you like this.

I couldn't agree more.

If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna
get back to writing,

which, in case you hadn't
noticed, is my actual job.

Absolutely.
Don't let me get in your way.

Thank you.

Ooh, one more thing.

You know my grandma, right?

- No.
- Well, she's amazing.

Can you walk her home
from her bridge club tonight?

What? No.

Wow, what's with the attitude?

Tyler, I don't think you take
what I do seriously.

Excuse me, I wouldn't be
covering your half of the rent

if I didn't believe in you
so damn much.

I guess not.

And?

And I'd be happy

to walk your grandma
home later.

There's the stuff.

Hey, how about you pick up
some fresh avocados,

and maybe whip up some of that
famous guacamole of yours?

Fine.

- Great. Hey, have I mentioned
you're a doll? - Yes.

Well, you're also a prince.

Neal, are you here tomorrow?

Because we're making
a Costco run.

They have generic beer there.
It's cheaper than water.

Sounds awesome.

- Uh, where's Gibbs? - He went
to Steve's house to change.

Spilled salsa all over himself.

I told Gibbs, you got to eat
salsa, not wear it.

Bam!

Ah, I'm back!

- Hey.
- Hey. Hey.

Steve's shirt looks
pretty good on you.

Shirt?
Thought this was a circus tent.

Ohh! Ohh!

Oh, I got you!

- Gibbs?
- Yeah?

- What are you doing?
- What do you mean?

You're making people laugh.

That's my thing now.
I'm the funny one here.

On a side note,
you look amazing.

Hey, Jude.

Hey, Gibbs. How's the night
of the living dead?

You ready to blow
your brains out yet?

Actually, quite the opposite.

I think I like the suburbs.

You what?

Are they listening?

If you're in trouble,
say "chicken wings."

Jude, it's all good.
Chillax.

Did you just say "chillax"?

I'm coming to get you.

Hey, Gibbs.

You ready
for some Coldplay trivia?

Be right there.

I'm getting in my car
right now.

- I got to go.
- Gibbs, no!

Oh, what's up?

I'm Gibbs.

I'm Biggs.

Biggs? Really?

Biggs has been captain of our
lawn-dart team since, uh...

Seems like four... ever!

Yeah, so...

Get out while you can.

What?

Run.

I don't understand.

I used to be just like you.

I had a cool place in Tribeca.

I was friends
with interesting lesbians.

I worked out five times a week.

Now look at me.

Why don't you go back?

It's too late for that.

I own a leaf blower now.

I'm on a Fantasy
Bowling league.

And you know
what the worst part is?

I've started to enjoy it.

Okay, Biggs, well,
I'm only here for the night.

That's just what I said
when I came out here

for that Super Bowl party...
In 2007.

Don't you see? They are
never gonna let you leave.

What you talking about, Biggs?

Oh, hey, guys.
Uh, mm, nothing.

Seems like you were saying
something.

No, really.
Really, I wasn't. Was I?

Why don't you come
with us, Biggs?

Yeah.
Let's take a walk.

Get out!

That was weird.

Nothing weird
ever happens here.

But if you keep dressing
like that,

I'm never gonna let you leave.

Chicken wings.

Well, thanks
for buying me dinner.

Oh, please, it's the least
I could do...

Since my grandson
was too busy to see me.

So, what do you do, Milo?

Well, actually, I'm trying
to become a novelist.

A novelist?
Well, that's wonderful.

- Good for you.
- Thank you.

I do wish Tyler would take
a risk like that -

you know, really do something
with his life.

What's he got to lose?
I don't even charge him rent.

What's that now?

Well, I own the apartment.

I don't charge him rent.

Y- you don't charge him
anything?

Not a penny.

No, I-I even pay
for his cable.

He doesn't have cable.

Oh, it's in his bedroom.

I do wish that he
would take advantage

of the gift I've given him.

Oh, I'm pretty sure he has.

Hello, Tyler.

Ah!

How long have you been sitting
here in the dark?

Longer than I meant to.

I forgot you were going
to the gym.

But, since you've been
nice enough

to cover my rent this month,

I decided to make you this.

What the hell?

Oh, it's
a thank-you sculpture.

Is that my new iPhone?

And your dry cleaning,

and those fresh avocados
that you wanted.

Are you crazy?

What, you don't like it?

Oh, no.
I get what's going on here.

- You're mad because you
have writer's block. - Nope.

You're mad because you don't
have writer's block,

but you realized you're
not good at writing?

Actually, I'm a great writer.

Take a look what I wrote for you
in the guacamole.

Oh, that's not nice.

So, wait.
Why are you mad?

I'm mad because you've been
charging me rent at a place

that you get for free,
and you never told me.

- What? I told you I don't pay rent.
- No, you didn't.

I know.

You lied to me.

No, no. I didn't lie.

I just intentionally withheld
vital information.

It's unbelievable.

Look, Milo, if I'm eating

a sandwich my grandma made me,

does that mean I have
to give you half?

No, but if you do, you
shouldn't make me pay for it.

And you definitely
shouldn't pretend

that you paid for it, either.

That's not how you run a deli.

Look, I'm charging you way less

than you'd pay anywhere else.

It's not about the money,
it's about the fact

that you're pretending
to be my patron

while guilting me
into running your errands.

Well, in my defense,
when I said that,

I wasn't sure
what "patron" meant.

All right, look, man.
You want the truth?

I was afraid if you found out
that I don't pay rent,

then you wouldn't want
to pay me rent,

and I really wanted that money.

Oh, well,
I guess that kind of -

what? No!
That's not an apology.

Yeah, you're right.
I'm not apologizing.

You ruined my stuff.

Oh, well, why don't you

just have your grandma
buy you some new stuff?

It doesn't work like that.

She makes me visit her first!

Gibbs.

Hey.

We're playing doubles ping-pong.
Let's go!

Where's Biggs? I've been looking
everywhere for him.

You're not gonna find him.

Let's just say
he took a little trip.

What does that mean?

What does that -
oh, hey, Kelly.

You know what? I just
remembered I got a thing.

I got to get back to the city.

Silly, there aren't
any more trains.

- I'll take a cab.
- No, you won't.

- What? - They stop running
after 9:00. You're stuck here.

Neal!
You have your car, right?

I'm not going anywhere.
I like it here.

What are you drinking?

Kool-aid.

Have some.

Look, Milo, I spent the last
hour sitting in my room,

really thinking
about what you said.

I know you have cable in there.

Damn it, Nana.

Look, the point is,
I realize now

that I took advantage of you,
and that was not cool.

And?

And it'll never happen again.

And?

And I will never ask you
to run my errands

just because you're sitting
at home, doing nothing.

I'm writing a novel.

Of course.

So, uh... do you think
my iPhone still works?

Oh, it works.

I took a picture of my dick

and sent it to everyone
in your contact list.

I'm guessing
that's your parents calling.

Let me in!
Let me in!

Got your message.
Sounded pretty upset.

My God, what are you wearing?

I'll explain later.
Open the door!

First, admit I was right
and you were wrong.

There's no time for that!

Oh, my God!

I'm so full, I can hardly move.

Oh, Turkey-burger cramp.

My back always hurts.

Gibbs.

Go! Go, go!

- What - what about Neal?
- Forget about Neal!

He's one of them now.

Gibbsy!

What are you doing?

We're about to play jenga.

Drive!

Jenga!

My shirt!

Where's Gibbs going?

I don't know.
He just took off.

Who just took off?

Gibbs.

But he said he was gonna watch
"Army wives" with us.

Anyway, I got more ice
like you asked.

I guess this party just got
a lot cooler.

No, he didn't!

Still got it.

Run, black stallion. Run.

So you just left her there?

Yep.

You're not gonna go back
and get your stuff?

Nope.

I really liked her,
but we're just too different.

Guess it doesn't always work out
like it does in the movies.

Yeah, not everybody can end up
happily ever after,

like Romeo and Juliet.

But you -

Ah, don't bother.

Oh, by the way,
did you guys know

that Tyler lives
in his apartment for free?

- His grandma pays for it.
- Oh, yeah.

Why would you tell
everyone except for me?

Again, I wanted your money.

Speaking of money,
here are some coupons

for 20% off all appetizers
at the Parsippany sizzler,

where I will be doing

a 10-minute comedy set
on Friday.

You're doing stand-up?

Here's my opener. Um...

What's up with sirloin?

What is that,
a steak that got knighted?

Get out.

- Wait, that's funny.
- Out.

Am I to understand
that you guys

will not be there
to support me?

Don't even pay.
Just go.

Fine. Fine.

Then I won't share my joke
about tri-tip with you.

Aah!