Men at Work (2012–2014): Season 3, Episode 3 - Holy New Boss! - full transcript

Hey. Did you see
this e-mail?

Looks like they finally found
a new editor-in-chief.

Wait. We haven't had a
boss this entire time?

Why have I even
been showing up?

Tyler, they've been interviewing
people for over a month.

Do you not read any
of the work e-mails?

Well, I will now
that we have a boss.

Does anyone follow Amy
on Instagram?

No. I blocked her as
soon as she dumped Neal.

I only follow three people
on Instagram...

the Dalai Lama, Ryan Gosling,
and Sideboob daily.



Well, Amy just posted
a photo of her in a hot tub

with some tattooed guy
named Kevin.

"♪beforethingsgotcray."

Oh, they should post that
on Sideboob daily.

Poor Neal... he dates
this woman for five years,

proposes, she says "no."

And a month later,
she's getting wet and wild

with some second-rate
Adam Levine.

You think Neal saw it?

[Slurring]
T.G.I.Hi!

That's where that goes!

Neal, how's it going?

Never. Better.

Neal, listen, man.
You don't need to be here, huh?



- Why don't you just go home?
- Why?

All that's left for me at home
is an empty box of wine

and a pair of Amy's socks
I found under the couch.

She had such tiny feet.

Feet that I once
swept her off of,

back when she thought
that I was her hero.

Hey, hey!
There's still a hero there.

You just got to look inside
yourself and find him.

Are you quoting Mariah Carey?

Look, we got to go
to this staff meeting,

so why don't you just lay
low and sleep it off, okay?

Yeah. Here, buddy. Take these,
all right? You'll thank me later.

Thanks, guys.

I'm just gonna...
I'm gonna lay low

and try and keep
my mind off Amy.

Okay. Good.

[Cellphone chimes]

How did Amy's photo
get on Sideboob daily?

You think he's gonna
be a screamer

or more of the
passive-aggressive type?

What makes you so
sure it's a he?

Yeah, that's racist.

Look at this stuff.
This place is Geektopia.

[Chuckles]
Sure got a lot of action figures

for a guy who probably
doesn't get any action.

[Both chuckle]

So, our new boss
is either a 4-year-old boy

or a 40-year-old virgin.

Either way, his mom's
probably just relieved

he moved out of her basement.

[Laughter]

[Laughs]

Hey, there, fella.

[Laughing]
You guys are hilarious.

Excuse me for a second.

All right, everyone.
Let's get this meeting started.

[Treadmill beeps] All right.

So, you're asking yourself,

"is this a fitness expert
in front of me?"

[Chuckles] No.

No, my name is Myron Sterbakov,

and I'm your new
editor-in-chief.

Do you think he heard
everything we just said?

Oh, and, for the record,
my mother lives with me.

So, I'm what you might call
a "turnaround expert."

I get brought in

to save struggling
publications like full steam.

Struggling? I thought
the magazine was doing fine.

What are you basing that on?

Ignorance.

I've run 7 magazines
in 10 years.

Five of them
are now profitable,

and the two that aren't were
both about model trains,

so how is that my fault?

Hey, breakfast club.

[Treadmill beeps] You want
to save it for study hall?

Sorry.

All right, since we're
in such a chatty mood,

one of you want to tell me
who said this?

"You really have
to take your time

and make smart decisions."

Winston Churchill?

Ah, close.

No, those words were spoken
by one Mr. Chris O'Donnell.

The actor?

And the voice
of this generation.

That's why
I keep this guy around.

- Captain Morgan?
- Puss in boots?

Elton John?

[Laughs] No.

This is the actual
"Three Musketeers" costume

that Mr. O'Donnell wore

in the 1993 classic
of the same name.

T-the point is,
it's all about making

the right decisions,
plus a little...

A-magic!

What the hell is happening?

I love this little guy.

[Laughing] Right.

That's enough boss talk
for now.

Back to work.

Oh, gosh.
[Laughing] One more thing.

By the end of the day,
one of you will be fired.

♪ A-bum-bum-bum!

[Laughter]

I'm actually not kidding.

Yeah, I'm gonna need
a paragraph from each of you

justifying your job.

The weakest one loses.

He can't just fire somebody
on the first day, can he?

Something on your mind,
chin sweater?

I was saying, sir,

um, maybe it feels
a little harsh

to just fire somebody
off of a paragraph.

You think?

Well, then, maybe I should
just fire the cool kids

that were talking
in the back of the room.

Paragraphs are great.
Can't wait to start mine.

I'm gonna write
the shit out of this.

[Sighs]
If he does fire someone,

I hope it's Brian.

Who's Brian?

He works in accounting.
I hate him.

He wears a pocket watch.

That's it?

That's enough.

He's always pulling it out
like he's some kind of

train conductor from the 1800s.

Talking about Brian?

[Claps] All right, Neal,
time to shake it off, huh?

We got to write a paragraph.

Neal.

Wow, he's really out.
How much did he have?

I don't know.

Like, a box of wine
and some Tylenol.

Uh-oh.

What?
This is Tylenol pm.

Wow. My bad.

Okay, okay.
Look at the label.

- How long do two of these
things last? - Four.

- Four hours?
- Four pills.

You gave him four pills?

Okay, six.

I'm not a doctor!

Neal! Neal!
You got to wake up!

So many squirrels.

All right, forget it.
We can fix this.

You're writers. We can
just justify his job for him.

[Sighs]

- Guys?
- Yeah.

What does Neal do
for the magazine?

Um...

Marketing?
Markets?

Isn't it...
isn't it something with numbers?

Does he deliver the magazine
to the markets?

I don't think a delivery guy
has his own office.

You think?
Or you know?

I don't know
if I care for your tone.

I don't know if I care
if you care for my tone.

Guys! You know, if you could
read above a kindergarten level

we wouldn't be
in this situation.

Your beard
is starting to look ironic.

- You son of a bitch!
- Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

We're trying to save
Neal's job, remember?

Fine. Fine. Okay, maybe
there's something

- in his desk that'll tell us.
- Yeah.

- Got anything? - I got a bunch
of soy-sauce packets...

And a screenplay Neal wrote
called "Skate witches."

As in witches who skate?

I'd go see that.

Okay, we can't write
this paragraph.

Someone needs to convince Myron
not to fire anybody.

- Absolutely.
- Go to it.

- Why me?
- 'Cause he likes you.

He let you talk,

and he called you
"chin sweater."

That is not a compliment.

Are you kidding?
It's nothing but.

And he's not wrong.
Your beard is magnificent.

Are you guys
just trying to flatter me

into going and talking
to Myron for you?

Are you kidding?

We wouldn't do that,
you handsome devil.

Knock, knock.

Um, sir,
I wanted to talk to you

about what you said
in the meeting.

[Laughs]
Okay, I'll tell you the truth.

The coin wasn't actually
in my ear.

[Laughs]

No, um, I-I was thinking about
who you should fire.

A rat in the house.
Interesting.

No. Sorry, that's not
how I meant that.

Don't apologize.
It shows weakness.

Now, what can I help you with,
snitchy?

I had a thought.

How about
you don't fire anybody.

But instead,
you throw some kind of a party?

You mean 'cause
firing someone isn't fair.

Yes, exactly.

It's not meant to be fair.

It's meant to scare.

Because fear
is the best motivator.

It drives people,
makes them work harder.

My methods
may seem crazy to some,

but they are very effective.

I'm sure that they are.
I...

Don't kiss my ass.
That's worse than apologizing.

Sorry, sir.

Shit.
I just did both.

Um...
Okay, here's an idea.

How about instead of scaring
people for a day,

you scare them
for a whole year?

So, you're saying
study the staff,

really get inside their heads,
and then whack!

Exactly.

But don't forget about
the "whole year" part.

[Laughs] Good news.

I got Myron to hold off
on firing anyone.

Way to go, you sexy bitch.

Yeah, how did you do it?

Oh, I can just read people.

Some say it's a gift.
I just wish I could teach it.

Hey, hey!

[Laughing] Hey, guys!

Hey!
Hey!

Wow, I like
the snap to attention.

It's a little formal,
but I deserve it.

Okay, new plan.
No more paragraphs.

Yeah, I was just telling him.
Yeah, instead,

I'm gonna meet the entire staff
one at a time, face-to-face,

and smoke out the loser
by the end of the day.

That had nothing to do
with anything I just said...

oh, and great idea, Milo!

This was all him.

This is impressive, Gibbs.

Thank you.
However...

According to my projections,
we would save 24%

by outsourcing
all of our photo work,

so I just have one question
for you, Mr. Photo-grapher.

Why should I not fire you?

Wow. Okay.

Well,
it's not just about costs.

Mm-hmm.

It's about quality.

And I put passion and talent
to every frame I snap.

Boom!
Who's that?

Me likey.

Oh, that's Debbie.
She's great.

She'll actually be here
next week. I can introduce you.

Job justified.

Really?

Yes, sir!

Great.
[Laughs]

All right.

Listen, tell, uh, Neal Bradford

that his one-on-one is next
when I get back from lunch.

No problem.
Oh, hey!

Hey!

Oh.
Yeah.

[Inhales sharply]

That's an interlocking
high five.

That's the most powerful
high five there is.

That's a contract.

Yes, sir.

Can we let go now?

Shh.

It'll tell us.

How's Neal?

He's coming around.

Tyler's getting him
some energy drink,

and I'm getting food
for when he wakes up.

Why aren't you with Neal?

It's okay.
I told him to take

five of those energy drinks
every hour.

Don't you mean one energy
drink every five hours?

You know what?

From now on, you guys
handle all the medicine.

Oh.

I can't help but think
that this is partly my fault.

Hey, N-Neal,
how you doing, buddy?

Great. Never better. I think I
finally got the flow of this place.

It's good. It's good.
It's okay.

You know what? I don't like it.
I don't like it.

Uh, you up for an interview,
buddy?

Oh, you bet,

'cause I looked in the mirror

and I am a hero,
just like you said.

Or you said.
One of you said it.

I can get over Amy!
I can do it!

There's nothing to it
but to do it!

But first, I got to pee.

Probably shouldn't pee here,
though.

Okay, well, he's not in the bathroom.
He's not in the lobby.

We got to find him
before Myron gets back.

Who are we talking about?

- Oh, my God.
- Neal?

Neal, you got to take that off.

No!

Because I am a hero.

Neal.

N-no.

Okay, you guys saw that,
too, right?

Hey, boys.
My lunch got canceled.

So now I'm looking
for Neal Bradford. You seen him?

Oh, who hasn't seen that guy?
He's everywhere.

Yeah.
Gettin' it done.

Handling his biz-nass.
Yeah.

He's probably working.

Well, I've already spoken
with the coolest Hawaiian guy

I have ever met...

H.R. Puff n' scruff
here.

[Chuckles]

So, looks like you're up,
Malibu Barbie.

[Clicks tongue]

We're gonna go look for Neal.

You keep Myron in that meeting
as long as possible.

How do you suggest I do that?

Just get him to talk
about himself.

And if all else fails,
mention Chris O'Donnell.

Got it.
Who is that?

Really?

I just can't win
with you today.

I know you.

Yes.
I'm Tyler Mitchell.

I've been the senior associate
features writer for...

[laughing] No, no, no.

I know your type.

Let me guess.

You won a couple
of local beauty pageants

and thought you'd go pro,
but, uh, you didn't count on

lady puberty
stealing your pretty.

But deep down inside,
you still want all eyes on you.

Am I in the ballpark?

Well, I wouldn't say
I want all the eyes on me.

[Bangs table] Look at me!

Thought so.
[Chuckles]

And what would you say you bring
to this magazine?

Hmm, that's a good question.

Uh, uh...

Chris O'Donnell!

Go on.

Go on.

I was thinking we could work him
into a feature.

"Best
Chris O'Donnell movie."

Good luck.

That's like picking
your favorite rainbow.

But job justified.

Hey, hit me
with a high five, huh?

[Inhales sharply]

Do you know what that is?

It's an interlocking...

an interlocking high five.
That's right.

We're locked in.

Okay, that one's on the house.

Now, get gone,
my little worker bee,

and send in Neal Bradford.

I'm starting to think
he's ducking me.

[Sighs]

It's okay, pal.

Everyone gets a crazy day
every now and then.

I just... I-I saw that picture
with Amy, and...

I understand.

So why don't we all
just calm down,

we talk this through.

And... now!

Guys!
Myron's on his way!

Guys! Myron's here!

What the hell is going on here?

I can explain this.
I'm listening.

We...

Like to put on plays
after lunch.

Yesterday,
we did "Les Mis."

I was Hugh Jackman.

Is this true?

He was a revelation.
[Chuckles]

[Sighs] It's okay.

I got this, guys.

Hello, Myron.
I'm Neal Bradford.

Hello, Neal Bradford.
You're up.

Justify your job.

Seriously?
Right now? Like this?

I'm not saying it won't be
an uphill battle.

I've been having
a lot of personal issues

that I won't bore you with,
but the fact is,

I can't even justify my life,
let alone my job,

so if you're looking
for someone to fire,

you couldn't do
much better than me.

No. Neal, wait.
This is all my fault.

I accidentally drugged him,

and it had
a much stronger effect

because he came to work drunk.

Good job.

Thanks, Tyler, but, uh...

This is my fight.

Okay, Neal.
You're out of here.

I guess I'll clean out my desk.

[Clears throat] Neal, hang on.

Myron, let me tell you
a little something

about this guy, okay?

Up until a month ago,
he had a great relationship,

a nice apartment,
decent self-esteem,

and this job.

And you know what he has
right now?

Nothing.

Where are you going with this?

You say fear motivates people.

You know what else
motivates people?

Emptiness.

And this guy has nothing.

Except this job,
which he does well,

whatever it is.

- I'm in charge of...
- Neal, not now.

He will dedicate himself
to this job 100%,

and do you want to know why?

Because he has
absolutely nothing else.

We got it.

So, uh, let me
get this straight.

You want me to keep him
because he's dedicated.

You want me to keep him
because you drugged him?

And you... You're sticking
with the play thing?

I am.

And you know what?

If you fire Neal,
you have to fire all of us.

Sort of wish you would have
checked with me first.

But, uh... Yeah.

You know what?

You're lying.

You say this guy's got nothing.
Well, that's simply not true.

He's got you guys.

The three musketeers!

[Chuckling] You guys stick up
for each other!

Well, and that kind of gets me
in my lady gut.

[Chuckles]

Neal, you're lucky guy
to have friends like these.

I know. [Chuckles] All right.

I'm gonna give you guys
a second-chance groupon.

But it's going to expire
at some point,

and you'll never know when.

I don't really know
how groupon works.

So you're not gonna fire
anybody?

[Laughing] Oh, no.

I said I was going to,
and I am.

I just saw some jackass
with a pocket watch.

W-we don't need that
around here.

[Laughs]

Now, bring them in
and lock him up!

[Laughs]

[Laughs]

Oh!

When will this be ov...

shh!

It'll tell us.

Guys, I can't say
"thank you" enough.

I mean, you saved me today,
and I owe you.

Nah. You'd have done
the same for us.

I don't think
I would have drugged you.

I'm just glad the day is over.

Yeah, but Myron's
still gonna be here tomorrow.

Well, we can always look
at the bright side.

What possible bright side
is there?

What's up, four broke girls?
Check it out.

Guess who's got a meeting
with the new boss man?

Pocket watch Brian.

[Singsong voice] That's who.

Pow!

So, who are we gonna hate now?

Oh, there's always that guy who
looks like a girl. Who's that?

Seriously, you guys,
who is that?

No, who is it?

Hey, guys?