Medical Police (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Real Heavy Hitter - full transcript
♪ Think twice ♪
♪ Take a look at the sunshine ♪
♪ Whatcha doin' with your life? ♪
♪ Watching the days fly by ♪
♪ The world will only turn around
If you spin it ♪
♪ And you can only win the race... ♪
I did it.
Richard! I finished it.
Well done, Lola. Well done.
Wow. I finally get to see the fruits
of your labors these many months.
I wanted to surprise you.
I think I've stumbled
onto something really big.
Well, let's have a look
at that pièce de résistance.
I love it when you speak French.
Intracellular mechanics
in the viral genome
and practical applications
for artificial pathogenic creation.
So, I took your research
on viral taxonomy and I started
to imagine a world
where we could design
and construct viruses
from inorganic materials.
I'm imagining it now.
Yay.
Artificially constructed viruses?
- Yeah.
- But,
how could we ever make something
so microscopic with any precision?
Well, it's purely
theoretical at this point.
The technology isn't there yet.
But they said that the Rubik's Cube
would never be solved,
and look what happened there.
Anyway, I think
the science behind it is sound.
- It's incredible.
- Yeah?
I... I don't know what to say.
Well, you could say you like it.
But that would be a lie.
- Because you love it?
- No, that would be an even bigger lie.
Lola, this is not science,
it's make-believe.
Well... it's theoretical.
It's a young girl's idle fantasy.
Your theories are slipshod.
Your conclusions are presumptuous.
If I wanted to read a work of fiction,
I'd pick up the latest
John Grisham novel, The Last Juror.
Is this really how you spent
your entire semester?
I thought you would be proud.
Quite the opposite.
I'm...
un-proud.
You know, I might say
that this is a waste of talent,
but frankly I'm beginning
to question the talent.
Maybe you're not cut out
for virology after all, Ms. Spratt.
Richard.
I think it might be best if you were
to refer to me as Professor Waters again.
Is there anything else?
No, sir.
So, he knew
your work was brilliant,
but he lied to you to keep it for himself?
I'm so glad this guy got shot in the face.
When he told me I wasn't cut out
for a career in virology,
I believed him.
You know, my confidence
was just never the same after that.
And you just blocked it out?
I was so ashamed.
It was too painful, so I... I built
a little wall around it in my mind,
and it worked.
Um...
How do you remember the parts
at the end after you leave,
where Waters is sitting there alone?
Ugh.
I am right there with you
on that one, brother.
Sir...
what do we do now?
Now?
Well, let's take stock, shall we?
We released the deadly virus
without a cure.
We let the people who know
the truth about what we did escape.
So, we could
walk ourselves straight to jail,
or contract the deadly virus and die,
or I'll tell you what,
we could hammer out a suicide pact.
Why not something fun?
Like eating each other?
We cannot quit now, sir!
It is over, Collins. Start eating me.
We can save ourselves!
You have a couple of my chest hairs.
There are only a few people who know
the truth about us. Let's kill them!
Ride out this pandemic in a bunker.
Yes.
Yes.
I'm the only one
who made the hard decisions.
Why should I suffer the consequences?
Over time the population will return
and they will need someone to lead them.
Tell me what to do.
And the chaos continues to spread
with hospitals being overrun
with desperate victims,
forcing the military to step in.
And now on the lighter side,
a little something
from humorist Jim Davidson.
I don't know if you've been
to a music store lately,
but now they have a thing
called a twelve-string guitar.
What do I need
twelve strings with a guitar for?
Attention virus carriers:
if you are currently dying,
please wait outside in an orderly fashion.
That is all.
Childrens Hospital. We are here.
Driving from Atlanta to Brazil
didn't take as long as I thought it would.
Not so bad
if you leave at the right time.
The trick was taking
I-35 to avoid Houston.
- Yeah.
- So, what now?
Well, remember that laptop
you were all picturing in your heads
as I described
what happened to me in med school?
- Yeah.
- It's in my office.
And my thesis is still on it.
Once we get that,
we might be able to engineer a cure.
Let's go.
Stand back!
You can't come in here.
Get back, all the way.
Goldfinch.
This is where we part ways.
- Goodbye, old friend.
- Ah, not goodbye,
merely farewell.
- They're basically synonyms.
- You're basically a synonym.
Where will you go?
It doesn't matter
where the Goldfinch goes.
Wherever it is, I'm always on van-cation!
Finch!
Uh-oh. It's been a long time
since I've been on a billboard.
When were you ever on a billboard?
I used to do some modeling
for a DUI attorney.
Okay, we need to find a way inside
without being detected.
- Hey, Chet.
- Hey, guys.
Yeah, the billboard says
you've been up to some pretty bad stuff.
Yeah. But we were framed, all right.
And now we need to get back
into the hospital.
- Can you help us sneak in?
- Yeah.
I was framed once too.
Let's do it! Get in!
We need to check the back.
So,
more victims of the virus.
Just bringing the bodies to the morgue.
Okay, go ahead.
Open the bag slowly and come out.
Thank God you found us.
He lured us into his ambulance
and then he tied us up
and he told us he was going
to chop us up and feed us to wild horses.
No, I didn't.
Wait, maybe I did, did I?
I can't remember.
Thanks so much, guys. Real life-saver.
So, what are you guys doing?
You got plans for the weekend?
I'm gonna check in with my contacts
at the CDC and see how bad it's gotten.
Well, let us know if we can help, okay?
Gross.
I can handle a few sick people,
but this is disgusting.
Hey, assholes, thanks a lot.
- Hey.
- Hey. How's it going?
Oh, spare me.
I've had people dying in my arms all week
thanks to your little virus stunt.
Really uncool, murdering millions.
Seriously uncool.
- Yeah.
- It wasn't us, okay?
We're trying to cure the virus,
and also we're in love.
- What?
- Ew.
We're in love and I'm dying
and it's really just been,
like, a crazy few days.
Why should we trust you?
Yeah.
Um... Okay. Dori,
how much cash is in your wallet?
- Forty-nine bucks.
- Great. Give it to me.
What?
- Give me the wallet!
- Give her the wallet!
Jesus Christ.
Now, how much cash do you have?
Forty-nine bucks.
So, do you trust us now?
I guess so.
I mean, I have to admit, we misjudged you.
- Come on, let's go get that laptop.
- Okay.
Oh, and Val, thank you
for helping us ID the water parks.
You got it.
So, if I remember correctly,
I laid out all the steps
to create the virus in my thesis.
So, all we'll need to do is just to work
backwards to reverse-engineer the cure.
- Okay.
- We gotta move fast.
- Do you remember where your laptop is?
- Yeah, of course,
bottom drawer of my...
desk.
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, shit!
Attention, staff,
merry desk auction days.
Desk the halls. That is alls.
Wow, they did this place up pretty nice.
Look at these balloons. Curtains.
- Tablecloths.
- Okay, Owen, focus.
We just need to find my desk
and get my laptop, all right?
Oh, my God. There it is.
Great.
- Hi, Sy.
- Hi.
Hey. Wow.
- Desk auction is really happening, huh?
- So many great desks.
- So many.
- And what can I do for you
two wanted criminals?
Look, about that...
Oh, yeah, I mean,
look, let's just be clear.
Obviously we didn't
infect the whole world.
- We didn't infect anybody.
- No.
Well, we infected each other
- with our love.
- Oh, yes we did.
- I'd get infected by you any day.
- I would do it again.
Point is, we're not the bad guys,
we're the good guys.
Point is, you no longer work here
at this hospital. I fried you.
Okay. Yeah, but technically
I quite before you fried me.
But look, Sy,
I'm not asking for my job back.
I just need to get my computer in my desk.
It actually has information in it
that might save the world.
Excuse me, missy.
May I remind you,
it is no longer your desk, you donated it.
- Sy, come on.
- But...
The rules of the auction clearly state,
"The winning bidder
will be awarded the desk
along with any and all materials found
in said desk."
- But...
- Wait a second.
What if we win the auction
for Lola's desk?
Then do we get the laptop?
Well, if you've got the money honey,
the desk got the time.
But let me just remind you
that there are major
desk aficionados coming to this gala.
We're talking about real heavy hitters,
like these two.
Hello.
Attention: welcome heavy hitters
to the desk auction.
Heavy coughers,
please stay away from the guests.
That is all.
Thank you.
Are you feeling okay?
Yeah, it's just the virus.
I'm getting weaker.
Or maybe you're not getting
enough iron in you diet.
Maybe, but it's probably the virus.
Is my rash covered up?
Yeah. Make-up really did the trick.
- Okay.
- Hey, can I get my make-up back now?
Oh, yeah, right, of course.
- There you go.
- Hey, guys.
Hi. Listen,
I just need to charge up my phone.
You know a spot where I could
park myself for a little bit?
There's a seating area over by the chapel.
Great, great. Thank you.
So, are you sure
nobody's gonna recognize us?
Owen, we're wearing sunglasses.
Wow. Sy really pulled this off.
All of São Paulo's elite are here.
Not to mention the wealthiest
desk collectors from all over the world.
Yeah.
- There's Baroness Von Eaglesburg.
- Oh, wow.
She recently paid $20,000
for a credenza that used to belong
to actor Paul Giamatti.
Wow. Lucky.
Oh, hey, there's Cat.
Cat.
- Cat!
- Cat.
Cat. Hey.
Sunglasses.
- It's us.
- We're wearing sunglasses.
- Oh, my gosh, I didn't even...
- I know.
- Hi.
- Hi. Are you okay?
- What do you mean?
- I got your message from Los Angeles.
Oh, about the virus attack thing?
Yeah, that was crazy.
I was kind of the only person
who saw him up close,
so now every blog
wants to talk to me about it,
- you know?
- And what does he look like?
You know,
it's really tough to describe him.
- Oh. It's starting.
- Oh, it's... Hey.
May I have your attention?
Hi. Welcome, everyone,
and thank you for joining us
during this very difficult time.
So, let's put away our worries,
open our hearts and our wallets,
as we support the number one
expatriate pediatric medical facility
in all of São Paulo...
Childrens Hospital!
Which is where we are.
All right first up,
lot number one.
This desk formerly belonging
to Dr. Blake Downs.
It's a classic
60 inch by 30 inch workhorse
with an espresso laminate finish,
and the beauty also features
greasepaint stains
and the phrase "I'm Bla."
Where is Blake, by the way?
- He's in a Chinese prison.
- Yeah.
Gotcha.
The bidding will start
at $1,000.
Do I see $1,000?
Do I hear $2,000?
Do I hear 250?
Two-fifty, thank you very much.
Sold to the gentleman
in the furry hat in the back.
And next up we have the desk
formerly belonging to Dr. Valerie Flame.
There she is.
- That's a nice desk...
- Yes.
It's made from French oak
and has a lockable cabinet.
All right, bidding starts
at $2,000.
Do I have $2,000?
Do I have 3,000?
Three thousand to the baroness.
Should I make a bid?
A bid against the baroness?
Are you insane?
I have borderline personality disorder.
Sold! Three thousand dollars
to the baroness.
You okay?
No, I'm dying.
Right, right, right, right, right.
And our final auction item tonight
is the former desk of the former
Childrens Hospital pediatrician,
Dr. Lola Spratt.
- Here we go.
- Yeah.
It measures 74 by 35 inches,
has a solid rosewood surface
with a sleek steel case frame,
and boasts numerous drawers
for all your storage needs.
Do I hear an opening bid of $400?
Here.
Four hundred dollars to that morbidly
pale woman right over there.
- That's you.
- Yeah.
Do we have 450? Four-fifty.
Do I have 500?
Five hundred, ladies... Five twenty-five.
All right, the bidding stands
at $575,
to Dr. Spratt.
Do I hear 600?
No more bids? Anyone?
Please, anyone? Six hundred.
All right, going once...
going twice...
You know...
- What is he doing?
- I should really tell you that
I have it on good authority that that desk
was never cleared out
of all its contents
before this auction.
No! Sy, you can't do that!
I have the highest bid. Call the auction.
And inside said desk
is a certain laptop computer.
Sy! Don't you dare!
And some believe that that said computer
contains scientific data
that could lead to a cure
for the virus
that threatens to kill us all.
Who wants to be a hero?
One thousand dollars.
There you go! One thousand. Do I hear two?
- Two thousands dollars.
- Val! What the fuck?
Why can't I be the one
who saves the world?
Five thousand dollars.
Ten thousand dollars.
She's so bad at this. Fifteen thousand.
- Twenty thousand.
- Damn it!
Looks like we've got
a real bidding war on our hands.
You came for the desks,
but you're gonna stay for the fireworks.
- Do I hear...
- Forty thousand dollars.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
Fifty thousand dollars.
What?
Sixty thousand dollars.
Seventy-five thousand dollars.
It keeps going up and up.
Okay, look, I could take out
a loan on my houseboat.
Between that and my Peloton bike,
we could probably
get up to 150,000.
What if we just go all in?
We make the baroness think that we have
no limit and we scare her off.
- One hundred and fif...
- Two hundred thousand dollars.
- Oh, fuck you, lady!
- Fuck you, lady!
Two hundred thousand dollars.
Two hundred smackeroos.
What a bold and daring bid, Baroness.
Two hundred thousand dollars,
going once...
Two hundred thousand dollars,
going twice...
- Sol...
- Three hundred thousand dollars.
Glenn.
Hey, look, I don't exactly
know what's going on,
but it looks like you guys need help.
Okay? And I have
goo-gobs of money to burn,
thanks to my aforementioned
many side business ventures.
- Five hundred thousand dollars.
- Oh, no, Glenn.
You're bidding against yourself right now.
- Yeah.
- What? Oh, shit.
I came in hot.
What did that cost me? No, don't tell me.
Five hundred thousand dollars.
Truly an unprecedented turn of events.
Baroness, do I hear 550?
Five hundred thousand dollars going once.
Five hundred thousand dollars going twice.
Five hundred thousand dollars
sold to Dr. Glenn Ritchie.
Yahtzee!
Glenn. Oh, I could kiss you right now,
but I am actually dying of the virus.
Oh, forget it. I'm sure the hug
is probably enough to kill me.
Dr. Ritchie, what a show. What a show.
Now, just come with me
'cause we have some business to attend to.
Oh? Oh!
I... I have to pay for the...
right, yikes, wow...
and I just get a desk?
Now I've got to get a chair.
So, it should be right in here.
Okay. Oh, here it is.
This is just like you described it.
Yeah, right?
The mind is incredible. Let's go!
Okay, come on.
- Oh, I hope this works.
- Plug it in.
Okay.
- Okay.
- Wow, this is an old computer.
I know.
Okay. All right.
Now you just gotta find that thesis.
There's an update available.
Let me do that.
- No! Can't you just do the update later?
- No.
Just let me do it how I do it.
Now, that's what I call
- a real desk auction.
- Yeah.
What's with all these new doctors?
Sy must have brought in backup
to help with all the patients.
- Doctor, please, help, I...
- Not now!
What kind of doctor
ignores a patient like that?
Hang on, I'll be right back.
- Oh, doctor, I really need someone to...
- Not now, lady.
Okay, it's done updating. We're ready.
All right, let me just...
There it is.
- Wow.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- How many pages?
It's 172.
What page are you on?
It's a dense scientific document.
I just want you to...
put that out there right away.
Oh, my God. Yes, of course.
It's all coming back to me.
Oh, my God. It's him.
We're in position.
This technology could have saved lives
a decade ago.
- Did you get what you need?
- Yeah.
Lola! Owen!
It really shouldn't take long
to synthesize this cure
if we just follow the steps in here.
Okay.
- Okay.
- You're a genius.
We might just pull this off.
No! No!
Everybody get down!
Oh, my God!
- Are you hit?
- Um, no, I'm okay.
Oh, good. Hope you didn't need that.
Oh, shit!
Please tell me you remember the research.
I mean, yeah, I think so.
Like, the main points.
The main idea for sure. I don't know.
Sounds good enough to me.
Let's get to the lab.
Okay. Let's go.
Let's go.
What's going on out there?
Hey, so I put a dollar in the soda machine
and nothing came out.
So, someone may want to call
the vendor to have it serviced.
Also, we're under attack.
♪ Take a look at the sunshine ♪
♪ Whatcha doin' with your life? ♪
♪ Watching the days fly by ♪
♪ The world will only turn around
If you spin it ♪
♪ And you can only win the race... ♪
I did it.
Richard! I finished it.
Well done, Lola. Well done.
Wow. I finally get to see the fruits
of your labors these many months.
I wanted to surprise you.
I think I've stumbled
onto something really big.
Well, let's have a look
at that pièce de résistance.
I love it when you speak French.
Intracellular mechanics
in the viral genome
and practical applications
for artificial pathogenic creation.
So, I took your research
on viral taxonomy and I started
to imagine a world
where we could design
and construct viruses
from inorganic materials.
I'm imagining it now.
Yay.
Artificially constructed viruses?
- Yeah.
- But,
how could we ever make something
so microscopic with any precision?
Well, it's purely
theoretical at this point.
The technology isn't there yet.
But they said that the Rubik's Cube
would never be solved,
and look what happened there.
Anyway, I think
the science behind it is sound.
- It's incredible.
- Yeah?
I... I don't know what to say.
Well, you could say you like it.
But that would be a lie.
- Because you love it?
- No, that would be an even bigger lie.
Lola, this is not science,
it's make-believe.
Well... it's theoretical.
It's a young girl's idle fantasy.
Your theories are slipshod.
Your conclusions are presumptuous.
If I wanted to read a work of fiction,
I'd pick up the latest
John Grisham novel, The Last Juror.
Is this really how you spent
your entire semester?
I thought you would be proud.
Quite the opposite.
I'm...
un-proud.
You know, I might say
that this is a waste of talent,
but frankly I'm beginning
to question the talent.
Maybe you're not cut out
for virology after all, Ms. Spratt.
Richard.
I think it might be best if you were
to refer to me as Professor Waters again.
Is there anything else?
No, sir.
So, he knew
your work was brilliant,
but he lied to you to keep it for himself?
I'm so glad this guy got shot in the face.
When he told me I wasn't cut out
for a career in virology,
I believed him.
You know, my confidence
was just never the same after that.
And you just blocked it out?
I was so ashamed.
It was too painful, so I... I built
a little wall around it in my mind,
and it worked.
Um...
How do you remember the parts
at the end after you leave,
where Waters is sitting there alone?
Ugh.
I am right there with you
on that one, brother.
Sir...
what do we do now?
Now?
Well, let's take stock, shall we?
We released the deadly virus
without a cure.
We let the people who know
the truth about what we did escape.
So, we could
walk ourselves straight to jail,
or contract the deadly virus and die,
or I'll tell you what,
we could hammer out a suicide pact.
Why not something fun?
Like eating each other?
We cannot quit now, sir!
It is over, Collins. Start eating me.
We can save ourselves!
You have a couple of my chest hairs.
There are only a few people who know
the truth about us. Let's kill them!
Ride out this pandemic in a bunker.
Yes.
Yes.
I'm the only one
who made the hard decisions.
Why should I suffer the consequences?
Over time the population will return
and they will need someone to lead them.
Tell me what to do.
And the chaos continues to spread
with hospitals being overrun
with desperate victims,
forcing the military to step in.
And now on the lighter side,
a little something
from humorist Jim Davidson.
I don't know if you've been
to a music store lately,
but now they have a thing
called a twelve-string guitar.
What do I need
twelve strings with a guitar for?
Attention virus carriers:
if you are currently dying,
please wait outside in an orderly fashion.
That is all.
Childrens Hospital. We are here.
Driving from Atlanta to Brazil
didn't take as long as I thought it would.
Not so bad
if you leave at the right time.
The trick was taking
I-35 to avoid Houston.
- Yeah.
- So, what now?
Well, remember that laptop
you were all picturing in your heads
as I described
what happened to me in med school?
- Yeah.
- It's in my office.
And my thesis is still on it.
Once we get that,
we might be able to engineer a cure.
Let's go.
Stand back!
You can't come in here.
Get back, all the way.
Goldfinch.
This is where we part ways.
- Goodbye, old friend.
- Ah, not goodbye,
merely farewell.
- They're basically synonyms.
- You're basically a synonym.
Where will you go?
It doesn't matter
where the Goldfinch goes.
Wherever it is, I'm always on van-cation!
Finch!
Uh-oh. It's been a long time
since I've been on a billboard.
When were you ever on a billboard?
I used to do some modeling
for a DUI attorney.
Okay, we need to find a way inside
without being detected.
- Hey, Chet.
- Hey, guys.
Yeah, the billboard says
you've been up to some pretty bad stuff.
Yeah. But we were framed, all right.
And now we need to get back
into the hospital.
- Can you help us sneak in?
- Yeah.
I was framed once too.
Let's do it! Get in!
We need to check the back.
So,
more victims of the virus.
Just bringing the bodies to the morgue.
Okay, go ahead.
Open the bag slowly and come out.
Thank God you found us.
He lured us into his ambulance
and then he tied us up
and he told us he was going
to chop us up and feed us to wild horses.
No, I didn't.
Wait, maybe I did, did I?
I can't remember.
Thanks so much, guys. Real life-saver.
So, what are you guys doing?
You got plans for the weekend?
I'm gonna check in with my contacts
at the CDC and see how bad it's gotten.
Well, let us know if we can help, okay?
Gross.
I can handle a few sick people,
but this is disgusting.
Hey, assholes, thanks a lot.
- Hey.
- Hey. How's it going?
Oh, spare me.
I've had people dying in my arms all week
thanks to your little virus stunt.
Really uncool, murdering millions.
Seriously uncool.
- Yeah.
- It wasn't us, okay?
We're trying to cure the virus,
and also we're in love.
- What?
- Ew.
We're in love and I'm dying
and it's really just been,
like, a crazy few days.
Why should we trust you?
Yeah.
Um... Okay. Dori,
how much cash is in your wallet?
- Forty-nine bucks.
- Great. Give it to me.
What?
- Give me the wallet!
- Give her the wallet!
Jesus Christ.
Now, how much cash do you have?
Forty-nine bucks.
So, do you trust us now?
I guess so.
I mean, I have to admit, we misjudged you.
- Come on, let's go get that laptop.
- Okay.
Oh, and Val, thank you
for helping us ID the water parks.
You got it.
So, if I remember correctly,
I laid out all the steps
to create the virus in my thesis.
So, all we'll need to do is just to work
backwards to reverse-engineer the cure.
- Okay.
- We gotta move fast.
- Do you remember where your laptop is?
- Yeah, of course,
bottom drawer of my...
desk.
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, shit!
Attention, staff,
merry desk auction days.
Desk the halls. That is alls.
Wow, they did this place up pretty nice.
Look at these balloons. Curtains.
- Tablecloths.
- Okay, Owen, focus.
We just need to find my desk
and get my laptop, all right?
Oh, my God. There it is.
Great.
- Hi, Sy.
- Hi.
Hey. Wow.
- Desk auction is really happening, huh?
- So many great desks.
- So many.
- And what can I do for you
two wanted criminals?
Look, about that...
Oh, yeah, I mean,
look, let's just be clear.
Obviously we didn't
infect the whole world.
- We didn't infect anybody.
- No.
Well, we infected each other
- with our love.
- Oh, yes we did.
- I'd get infected by you any day.
- I would do it again.
Point is, we're not the bad guys,
we're the good guys.
Point is, you no longer work here
at this hospital. I fried you.
Okay. Yeah, but technically
I quite before you fried me.
But look, Sy,
I'm not asking for my job back.
I just need to get my computer in my desk.
It actually has information in it
that might save the world.
Excuse me, missy.
May I remind you,
it is no longer your desk, you donated it.
- Sy, come on.
- But...
The rules of the auction clearly state,
"The winning bidder
will be awarded the desk
along with any and all materials found
in said desk."
- But...
- Wait a second.
What if we win the auction
for Lola's desk?
Then do we get the laptop?
Well, if you've got the money honey,
the desk got the time.
But let me just remind you
that there are major
desk aficionados coming to this gala.
We're talking about real heavy hitters,
like these two.
Hello.
Attention: welcome heavy hitters
to the desk auction.
Heavy coughers,
please stay away from the guests.
That is all.
Thank you.
Are you feeling okay?
Yeah, it's just the virus.
I'm getting weaker.
Or maybe you're not getting
enough iron in you diet.
Maybe, but it's probably the virus.
Is my rash covered up?
Yeah. Make-up really did the trick.
- Okay.
- Hey, can I get my make-up back now?
Oh, yeah, right, of course.
- There you go.
- Hey, guys.
Hi. Listen,
I just need to charge up my phone.
You know a spot where I could
park myself for a little bit?
There's a seating area over by the chapel.
Great, great. Thank you.
So, are you sure
nobody's gonna recognize us?
Owen, we're wearing sunglasses.
Wow. Sy really pulled this off.
All of São Paulo's elite are here.
Not to mention the wealthiest
desk collectors from all over the world.
Yeah.
- There's Baroness Von Eaglesburg.
- Oh, wow.
She recently paid $20,000
for a credenza that used to belong
to actor Paul Giamatti.
Wow. Lucky.
Oh, hey, there's Cat.
Cat.
- Cat!
- Cat.
Cat. Hey.
Sunglasses.
- It's us.
- We're wearing sunglasses.
- Oh, my gosh, I didn't even...
- I know.
- Hi.
- Hi. Are you okay?
- What do you mean?
- I got your message from Los Angeles.
Oh, about the virus attack thing?
Yeah, that was crazy.
I was kind of the only person
who saw him up close,
so now every blog
wants to talk to me about it,
- you know?
- And what does he look like?
You know,
it's really tough to describe him.
- Oh. It's starting.
- Oh, it's... Hey.
May I have your attention?
Hi. Welcome, everyone,
and thank you for joining us
during this very difficult time.
So, let's put away our worries,
open our hearts and our wallets,
as we support the number one
expatriate pediatric medical facility
in all of São Paulo...
Childrens Hospital!
Which is where we are.
All right first up,
lot number one.
This desk formerly belonging
to Dr. Blake Downs.
It's a classic
60 inch by 30 inch workhorse
with an espresso laminate finish,
and the beauty also features
greasepaint stains
and the phrase "I'm Bla."
Where is Blake, by the way?
- He's in a Chinese prison.
- Yeah.
Gotcha.
The bidding will start
at $1,000.
Do I see $1,000?
Do I hear $2,000?
Do I hear 250?
Two-fifty, thank you very much.
Sold to the gentleman
in the furry hat in the back.
And next up we have the desk
formerly belonging to Dr. Valerie Flame.
There she is.
- That's a nice desk...
- Yes.
It's made from French oak
and has a lockable cabinet.
All right, bidding starts
at $2,000.
Do I have $2,000?
Do I have 3,000?
Three thousand to the baroness.
Should I make a bid?
A bid against the baroness?
Are you insane?
I have borderline personality disorder.
Sold! Three thousand dollars
to the baroness.
You okay?
No, I'm dying.
Right, right, right, right, right.
And our final auction item tonight
is the former desk of the former
Childrens Hospital pediatrician,
Dr. Lola Spratt.
- Here we go.
- Yeah.
It measures 74 by 35 inches,
has a solid rosewood surface
with a sleek steel case frame,
and boasts numerous drawers
for all your storage needs.
Do I hear an opening bid of $400?
Here.
Four hundred dollars to that morbidly
pale woman right over there.
- That's you.
- Yeah.
Do we have 450? Four-fifty.
Do I have 500?
Five hundred, ladies... Five twenty-five.
All right, the bidding stands
at $575,
to Dr. Spratt.
Do I hear 600?
No more bids? Anyone?
Please, anyone? Six hundred.
All right, going once...
going twice...
You know...
- What is he doing?
- I should really tell you that
I have it on good authority that that desk
was never cleared out
of all its contents
before this auction.
No! Sy, you can't do that!
I have the highest bid. Call the auction.
And inside said desk
is a certain laptop computer.
Sy! Don't you dare!
And some believe that that said computer
contains scientific data
that could lead to a cure
for the virus
that threatens to kill us all.
Who wants to be a hero?
One thousand dollars.
There you go! One thousand. Do I hear two?
- Two thousands dollars.
- Val! What the fuck?
Why can't I be the one
who saves the world?
Five thousand dollars.
Ten thousand dollars.
She's so bad at this. Fifteen thousand.
- Twenty thousand.
- Damn it!
Looks like we've got
a real bidding war on our hands.
You came for the desks,
but you're gonna stay for the fireworks.
- Do I hear...
- Forty thousand dollars.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
Fifty thousand dollars.
What?
Sixty thousand dollars.
Seventy-five thousand dollars.
It keeps going up and up.
Okay, look, I could take out
a loan on my houseboat.
Between that and my Peloton bike,
we could probably
get up to 150,000.
What if we just go all in?
We make the baroness think that we have
no limit and we scare her off.
- One hundred and fif...
- Two hundred thousand dollars.
- Oh, fuck you, lady!
- Fuck you, lady!
Two hundred thousand dollars.
Two hundred smackeroos.
What a bold and daring bid, Baroness.
Two hundred thousand dollars,
going once...
Two hundred thousand dollars,
going twice...
- Sol...
- Three hundred thousand dollars.
Glenn.
Hey, look, I don't exactly
know what's going on,
but it looks like you guys need help.
Okay? And I have
goo-gobs of money to burn,
thanks to my aforementioned
many side business ventures.
- Five hundred thousand dollars.
- Oh, no, Glenn.
You're bidding against yourself right now.
- Yeah.
- What? Oh, shit.
I came in hot.
What did that cost me? No, don't tell me.
Five hundred thousand dollars.
Truly an unprecedented turn of events.
Baroness, do I hear 550?
Five hundred thousand dollars going once.
Five hundred thousand dollars going twice.
Five hundred thousand dollars
sold to Dr. Glenn Ritchie.
Yahtzee!
Glenn. Oh, I could kiss you right now,
but I am actually dying of the virus.
Oh, forget it. I'm sure the hug
is probably enough to kill me.
Dr. Ritchie, what a show. What a show.
Now, just come with me
'cause we have some business to attend to.
Oh? Oh!
I... I have to pay for the...
right, yikes, wow...
and I just get a desk?
Now I've got to get a chair.
So, it should be right in here.
Okay. Oh, here it is.
This is just like you described it.
Yeah, right?
The mind is incredible. Let's go!
Okay, come on.
- Oh, I hope this works.
- Plug it in.
Okay.
- Okay.
- Wow, this is an old computer.
I know.
Okay. All right.
Now you just gotta find that thesis.
There's an update available.
Let me do that.
- No! Can't you just do the update later?
- No.
Just let me do it how I do it.
Now, that's what I call
- a real desk auction.
- Yeah.
What's with all these new doctors?
Sy must have brought in backup
to help with all the patients.
- Doctor, please, help, I...
- Not now!
What kind of doctor
ignores a patient like that?
Hang on, I'll be right back.
- Oh, doctor, I really need someone to...
- Not now, lady.
Okay, it's done updating. We're ready.
All right, let me just...
There it is.
- Wow.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- How many pages?
It's 172.
What page are you on?
It's a dense scientific document.
I just want you to...
put that out there right away.
Oh, my God. Yes, of course.
It's all coming back to me.
Oh, my God. It's him.
We're in position.
This technology could have saved lives
a decade ago.
- Did you get what you need?
- Yeah.
Lola! Owen!
It really shouldn't take long
to synthesize this cure
if we just follow the steps in here.
Okay.
- Okay.
- You're a genius.
We might just pull this off.
No! No!
Everybody get down!
Oh, my God!
- Are you hit?
- Um, no, I'm okay.
Oh, good. Hope you didn't need that.
Oh, shit!
Please tell me you remember the research.
I mean, yeah, I think so.
Like, the main points.
The main idea for sure. I don't know.
Sounds good enough to me.
Let's get to the lab.
Okay. Let's go.
Let's go.
What's going on out there?
Hey, so I put a dollar in the soda machine
and nothing came out.
So, someone may want to call
the vendor to have it serviced.
Also, we're under attack.