Maude (1972–1978): Season 6, Episode 12 - Maude's New Client - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

Now please, the moment
you hear from Mr. Dempsey,

have him call Maude Findlay.

No, no, not Claude, Maude.

"M" as in Mary.

He has the number.

No, not Spindlay, Findlay.



As in friendly.

He has the number.

Yeah. Now, did you get that?

Call Friendly Mary.

He has the number.

Eh, look, will you just
tell him I'll call back later?

Thank you.

Oh, Maude, I have the
most wonderful news.

I'm just so excited.

I'm just so excited.

- Oh.
- Honey, I have
wonderful news too.

Oh, yeah, thank you.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, that
is fun. Thank you.

Yeah, but listen, I
mean, I am really excited.

Then maybe you better go first.

I know what can happen
when you get too excited.

Oh.

Yeah, right.

Well, so anyway,

I was out today
collecting money for POFF.

- You know about POFF,
don't you?
- Oh, sure.

- Preserve Our Furry Friends.
- Our Furry Friends. Right.

So, anyway, I was standing out
on the corner of 5th and Butternut

just freezing to death with
my... with my POFF bucket

and, and, and a and a dead seal,

and, and, and, and,
and, and, and, and...

Vivian, you were standing
on the corner with a dead seal?

Oh, no.

- The picture of a dead seal.
- Oh.

You know, just to show how
cruel the trappers are, you know.

So anyway, people were
coming along, giving me, like,

you know, 25 cents or
half a dollar, maybe a dollar,

when all of a sudden, this very

distinguished, well-dressed
gentleman came up

and gave me this check for $500.

- Vivian, that's wonderful.
- I know.

Do you realize how much good
$500 can do for dead seals?

I guess it could give
them a nice funeral.

Hire a few penguins
as pallbearers.

Oh, Maude, you
know what I meant.

Of course, honey.

And I think it's a
very worthy cause.

Oh, thank you.

Now, let's hear your good news.

Well, Vivian, you are
not going to believe this.

I think I finally have a buyer
for the Dempsey Estate.

Oh, really, Maude?

Who's gonna buy that old dump?

Old dump? Old dump?

Do you think anybody would shell
out this kind of money for an old dump?

What kind of money?

- $180,000.
- Oh.

Which is an awful lot of
money for that old dump.

Brr. Brr. Brr.

Oh, hi, guys.

Walter, how was
the football game?

It was okay.

Arthur, how was the holdup?

Walter.

What? What? What,
what, what, what?

- Guess what.
- What?

I have a buyer for
the Dempsey place.

Wow. You mean somebody
actually wants to buy that dump?

As a matter of fact, he's on
his way over here right now.

Boy, who did you unload that on?

Oh, a very
distinguished gentleman,

a Mr. Wilson Daniels.

Wilson Daniels?

But, Maude, that's the same man

who just gave me
a check for $500

for all the dead seals on the
corner of 5th and Butternut.

You are kidding, Vivian.

No.

Are they having a
problem with dead seals

on the corner of
5th and Butternut?

No, Arthur, in Alaska.

Oh.

And Mr. Daniels gave
me a $500 donation.

- Boy, he must be
pretty well-off.
- He must be.

He's willing to pay $180,000
for the Dempsey place.

$180,000?

Holy Toledo!

Maude, that's over a
$5,000 commission.

- Mr. Daniels.
- Mrs. Findlay.

Will you excuse the intrusion,

so late on a Sunday afternoon?

- Oh, please, pay no attention.
- Thank you.

Come in, come in.

This is my husband, Walter.

How do you do?

Our neighbors, Doctor
and Vivian Harmon.

- How do you do?
- Why, it's the POFF lady.

Uh-huh. You remembered.

And I must say I've
never seen a lady

looked so beautiful
with a dead seal.

Thank you, Mr. Daniels.

I've often told her
the same thing myself.

Won't you sit down?
Walter, take his coat.

- May I fix you drink?
- No. No, thank you.

So, you're thinking of buying the
Dempsey estate, eh, Mr. Daniels?

Well yes, it suits my needs.

It's secluded, it's walled in,

it's roomy.

I'm bringing a large family
up here from Arizona.

Arizona? Really?

Well, you might be interested
to know that I campaigned

for Barry Goldwater
when he ran for president.

I voted for him.

Good.

Tuckahoe can always
use another Republican.

So can Washington?

So can Washington.

And, Maude, you said
Republicans aren't funny.

No, I said they didn't
have any sense of humor.

I never said they weren't funny.

I'm sorry, Mr. Daniels,
I have no news.

But the moment the Dempseys
get my message, they will call

and I'm positive
there'll be no problem.

Excellent.

Why don't I write
out a little check

as a gesture of goodwill?

Well, it's a little premature,

but if you'd like to.

Mr. Findlay, aren't you
Findlay's Friendly Appliances?

That's right, Mr. Daniels.

Well, you know, I'm
planning to establish

a string of Laundromats
here in the East.

Maybe we could do business.

You could supply my equipment.

Sure.

Why not?

- And Dr. Harmon.
- Yes.

I'm bringing a few of my
employees here with me.

I'm gonna have to find a
good physician for them.

Maybe you could take them on.

Sure.

Always room for a
few more Republicans.

Well, actually they're
not all Republicans.

Well, it's always fun
treating a sick Democrat.

Wonderful, wonderful.

Boy, we Republicans
are hot today.

You know, when I come
to a new community,

I like to make friends.

And I think we're all
gonna be great friends.

Oh, you bet.

Oh, here we go, Mrs. Findlay.

I trust things will go
smoothly because

once I make a deal,

I get very upset if
things don't go smoothly.

Oh, don't you worry
about a thing, Mr. Daniels.

I'll simply give the
Dempseys this offer.

Wonderful, wonderful.

What a pleasure to
meet such nice people.

Mrs. Findlay,

call me at the hotel when
you hear from the Dempseys.

I will call you the
minute I hear anything.

Thank you.

And, Mr. Findlay,
I'll be needing about

400 to 500 washer dryers.

And, Doctor, we'll be talking

about my company's health plan.

Ciao.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Oh, what a nice man.

- Sensational guy.
- Top drawer.

He really must be
anxious to get this house,

I mean, coming all
the way over here

to write me this check...

What's the matter, Maude?

How much is it for?

Walter, it's for
the full amount.

Look, $180,000.

The whole thing.

Oh. Did you ever
hear of such a...

What are you gonna do
with all that commission?

I don't know. I don't
know, something wild.

Maude, I think you ought to
buy something for yourself.

How about that four
carat diamond ring

you've always wanted from
Mac and Ernie's window?

Oh, Walter, honey.

I think it would
be selfish of me

to spend my money on myself.

That's what your money's for.

I got it.

Let's put in that
solar-heated swimming pool.

Now, that's something
we've always wanted.

Oh, that's a wonderful idea.

- There's only problem.
- What's that?

People with pools always find their
neighbors taking advantage of them.

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, boy, you're so right.

And this neighborhood
is loaded with freeloaders.

Mm-hmm.

Well, you just have to
put a fence around the pool

- and lock on the gate.
- Right.

And just the four
of us will have keys.

I'll get it, I'll get it, it's
probably the Dempseys.

I have to go watch "60 Minutes."

They're doing a special
report on a psychiatrist for dogs.

That's ridiculous.

Dogs don't need psychiatrists.

Well, they do if
they're neurotic.

Why would a dog be neurotic?

Maybe he didn't have a
boy when he was a puppy.

Well, that's wonderful.

Thank you, Frank.

Thank you so much.

Bye-bye.

Whoo.

It never rains, but it pours.

That was Frank Silval
down at the real estate office.

Somebody just walked
in and made an offer

of $190,000 cash for
the Dempsey place.

Oh, no. You are kidding.

No. Frank is sending the
new buyer over with the offer.

Walter, this means an
even higher commission.

But Mr. Daniels just
gave you a check

for $180,000, Maude.

Oh, I know, Walter,
but of course,

I have to give the other offer

to the Dempseys too.

Well, that wouldn't
be fair to Mr. Daniels.

Why not?

I'll give him a chance
to match the other offer.

Hello, reception desk please.

And if he doesn't want to,

then I'll find him
another lovely house,

something equally as
spacious and attractive

as the Dempsey dump.

Yes, I'd like to leave a message

for Mr. Wilson Daniels,
please, Room 224.

Yeah, just tell him
that Maude Findlay...

No, that's Maude, as in...

Forget it.

Yeah. Tell him the
real estate lady called.

Someone else has made
a higher offer on the house.

Would he care to match it?

Thank you very much.

Oh, $190,000.

Maude, I don't think
that's the right thing to do.

We don't want to
offend Mr. Daniels.

Remember, he's opening
up that chain of Laundromats.

Five hundred washer dryers
don't grow on trees, Maude.

I agree with Walter, Maude.

Mr. Daniels is bringing me
those patients from Arizona.

When they get a whiff
of this New York air,

they could develop
chronic respiratory problems.

Maude, please
think of Mr. Daniels.

I mean, he said
he gets very upset

when a deal doesn't go smoothly.

That's right.

Now, listen you two,

Mr. Daniels is a business man.

He's the first to know that he
can't have everything he wants

just because he wants it.

The highest bidder
gets the property.

And if Mr. Daniels doesn't
wanna match it, well, tough.

- Hey, there. Hey, there.
- What?

I saw him. I saw
him. I saw him there.

What? What?

Mr. Daniels, Mr. Daniels.

Vivian, please, now,
what are you talking about?

On television, on "60 Minutes,"

it was all about Mr. Daniels.

What about Mr. Daniels?

Mr. Daniels, is a... he's the
head of a big, big... what?

Not company, but
bigger than a company.

- A corporation.
- No, bigger.

- Conglomerate.
- Bigger.

Syndicate.

Syndicate, that's it.

What kind of syndicate?

Uh...

That kind of syndicate.

Cupcake...

Are you saying that
Mr. Daniels is a gangster?

No. I'm not saying
that. I'm not saying that.

What's his name?
Mike Wallace said that.

It's still on. Come and see it.

Daniels is the biggest
gangster on the West Coast.

Now, wait a minute.

Vivian, if this is true,

I could be in serious trouble.

I... Oh. But there's probably
some crazy mistake.

I mean he can't be a gangster.

Wilson Daniels.

He doesn't even
sound like a gangster.

Except Wilson Daniels
is not his real name.

What's his real name?

Apache Willie Danko.

That could be a gangster.

I saw it with my own eyes. I...

What have I done? I'm a...

I'm involved with a gangster.

Maude, look, you can't believe
everything you see on television.

Walter, what are you saying?

What about the film they
took with the hidden cameras?

A man walks out of a
barber shop in Syracuse,

gets into his car, steps on the
starter, and the car blows up.

Oh, now, wait a second.

Wait just one second.

I recognize that car.

That was a model
they had to recall

because they
had faulty starters.

Arthur, the man's a gangster.

He's a dangerous killer.

Wait a minute,
Vivian. Let's be fair.

Mike Wallace admitted

that Mr. Daniels had
never killed anybody.

But he also said he had given
orders to have people killed.

I'm sure he had a
very good reason.

Arthur, the man is a mobster.

All right.

What of it?

I hear when the mob
moves into a neighborhood,

it becomes very safe.

You see people walking
the street, all hours.

Of course they're walking...
They're terrified of starting their cars.

Maude, Maude, I think
that you should call the hotel

and cancel that message

about the second
offer on the house.

You're right. I mean,
it's just too dangerous

to disappoint a known mobster.

Yeah. Besides, maybe I can still
sell him a couple of washing machines.

Walter, you would sell
washing machines to a man

who deals in dope
and prostitution?

What's wrong junkies and
hookers having clean laundry?

Hello, hello.

Yes, this is Friendly Mary.

Has Mr... has
Mr. Daniels arrived?

He has?

He did?

He is?

Thank you very much.

Oh, boy.

Well, what was it, Maude?

Mr. Daniels received my message,

punched out the bellboy,
and he's on his way over here.

Maude, if you're gonna have a
business meeting with Mr. Daniels,

I think it's best
Vivian and I just leave.

All of a sudden you
have to leave, Arthur?

I don't suppose
the reason could be

that that fine, upstanding
Republican is carrying a gun.

What's wrong with that?

We Republicans
uphold the Constitution

which states very clearly

that every American
has the right to bear arms.

Strapped to his leg?

Anybody can nitpick, Maude.

Oh, Arthur, we can't just go off

and leave her alone
with a... with a gangster.

Wait, wait, wait
a minute, Vivian.

It's him. It's the
gangster. The gangster.

- It's the gangster.
- Stop that.

Now, sit down.
Everybody sit down.

Now, look, the best thing
we can do is to pretend

that we don't know
anything about who he is.

I mean, we... as far as
we're concerned, he's just a...

He's just a legitimate
businessman from Arizona.

Okay, Walter, open the door.

Me?

Yes, Walter, you.

Wouldn't it be better if
you answer the door?

Walter, you're the
man of the house.

But the house is in your name.

Please, somebody get the door.

Killers don't like
to be kept waiting.

Look, Walter, answer that door

or tomorrow,
you'll start the car.

All right, all
right, I'll get it.

Sure, send Walter, he's a sap.

Let him open the door to one of
the most vicious creatures in America.

Mr. Findlay.

I'm Mother Mary Keaton.

I'm supposed to sign some
papers for the Dempsey House.

Come in, Mother Keaton.
I'm Maude Findlay.

That's my husband, Walter,

our neighbors, Doctor
and Mrs. Arthur Harmon.

How do you do? Doctor,
it's nice to meet you.

I'm sorry if I seem a bit
surprised, but you see,

the man down at
the real estate office

did not tell me that
the new buyer was a...

If you'll excuse the
expression, nun.

Well, our order is planning
to convert it into a convent.

I see. I see.

- And you did offer $190,000?
- Cash.

Well, obviously, your order
didn't take any vow of poverty.

We're a nursing order,

and we've learned a
lot from you doctors.

Very clever.

Did you say your name
was Seaton, sister?

That's Keaton, buster.

Mother Keaton,
I'm afraid we're in

a terribly, terribly
awkward situation.

You see, there was a previous
offer on the Dempsey place,

but your offer is higher.

Then, what's the problem?

Doesn't the house always
go to the highest bidder?

Normally, yes. But...

But not when the man that you're
dealing with is named Apache Willie Danko.

Apache Willie Danko?

The mobster?

Did you just see
him on "60 Minutes"?

No.

I read about him in
"Women's Wear Daily."

Rex Reed says he's an animal.

He is also on his way here now.

So you can see, Mother,
I am in a terrible spot.

You certainly are.

Look, both of us know
that you are a woman

who has devoted her life

to helping others out of
charity and compassion.

Yes, that's true.

So knowing the spot I'm
in and helping me out of it,

I'm sure you'll understand that

you'll have to
give up the house.

In a pig's eye.

You mean that
you would be willing

to stand and face a gangster
like Apache Willie Danko

and tell him that you are
keeping the house that he wants?

No. You're the real
estate lady, you tell him.

I'll wait in the kitchen.

I'll show her the
kitchen, Maude.

Walter.

Walter, Walter, she can
find the kitchen herself.

I had my turn.

Arthur, you answer the door.

Why not?

That crook wouldn't hurt me.

We're both Republicans.

- Well, Mr. Daniels.
- Dr. Harmon.

Mind your step, we don't
want your leg going off.

Mrs. Findlay,

the hotel clerk gave me a
message about the Dempsey house,

a very disappointing message.

Well, life has its
disappointments.

So does death.

You see, Mr. Daniels,

what happened was
somebody else came along

with an offer of $190,000.

- So of, course, I had
to pass it onto the...
- Just a moment Mrs. Findlay.

I didn't just get off the
boat with a wicker basket.

You didn't try to jack
up the price of the house

so you could get a bigger
commission, did you?

Of course not.

Oh, come on.

I know you real estate
people are all crooks.

I saw it on "60 Minutes."

How dare you. How dare you.

I have been in the real estate
business for many years now,

and I... and I have a
spotless reputation.

Above all, I cherish the fact that I
am known as an honest woman.

I have never ever done
anything crooked in my life,

but I admire those who have.

Mrs. Findlay, I gave
you a check for $180,000.

I expect the house.

Yeah, but you see,
the other buyer...

Never mind the other buyer.

I'll take care of
the other buyer

in my own way.

Now, just a minute,
just a minute.

Don't think that
you can frighten me

with all your tough talk.

You can, I am terrified.

I'm absolutely...

And that is exactly why I am not
going to sell you the Dempsey place.

What is she talking about?

Maude, honey,

the man wants to know
what you're talking about.

I am talking about the
right to live without fear.

And if you were to move
into this neighborhood,

we'd be frightened all the time,

and I refuse to
put up with that.

And that is exactly why
I'm standing by my guns.

Here is the other buyer.

Yes, her offer stands.
The house is hers.

We're not afraid of you
and your hired hoodlums.

So, go ahead and blast
away, Apache Willie Danko.

This is the other buyer?

That's right, Mother
Mary Keaton.

And believe me when she
says, "God will get you for that."

He will.

I didn't know you
were the other buyer.

I didn't mean to scare
you, Mother Keaton.

I'm a good Catholic myself.

A good Catholic?

You're a criminal,
a thief, a murderer.

How can you call
yourself a good Catholic?

Oh. I'm a Catholic,

but I never said I was a saint.

So, you keep the house, okay?

And I would like to make
a contribution to your order.

How does $25,000 sound?

I'm sorry, we cannot
accept that money.

Can we, Mother Keaton?

- No.
- Why not?

We don't like where
that money came from.

What have you got
against Switzerland?

I think you should leave
now while we're still pals.

Maybe you're right.

I'd better be going.

I'm gonna be late for the
funeral of a dear friend.

Who, who, who, who,
who's funeral is that?

I haven't decided yet.

I'm making a joke.

You know the old saying,

"All work and no play makes
Rocco a dull boy." Huh?

And don't you worry, Sister,

if you won't take my money,

I'm sure I'll find a
congressman who will, huh?

Oh.

Oh, well.

It was a bad day all around
for Apache Willie Danko.

He couldn't buy his way
into heaven or Tuckahoe.

Well, Mother Keaton,

it looks like the
house is yours.

You know, Mrs. Findlay,

our order does an
awful lot of good work,

and we need every
penny we can get.

Considering that,

I think we should only pay
$150,000 for that Dempsey dump.

Mother Keaton, you
wouldn't be trying to

take advantage of me
because you're a nun?

I'm a nun, but I never
said I was a saint.

I'm not a saint either.

I'll come down as
far as $175,000.

$150,000 and I'll
light candle for you.

Now, look. It's a...

It's a fabulous place, You have
that enormous room for bingo games.

- Now, Mrs. Findlay.
- I will come down
to $170,000...

That is the end.
That is all I'm going...

"Maude" was recorded on
videotape before a studio audience.

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then... ♪