Maude (1972–1978): Season 6, Episode 13 - The Obscene Phone Call - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

Yes, operator.

My name is Maude Findlay.

Yeah. 271 Elm Street.

Yeah. Could you tell me
what my new phone number is?

See, I had my number
changed yesterday,

but the serviceman forgot to
put the new number on the dial.



I should call my old number and
they'll give me my new number.

No. I don't think that'll work.

No. You see, because
my new number is unlisted.

What do you mean you
can't give me my new number

if it's unlisted?

It's my number and it's unlisted

because I have been receiving
obscene phone calls lately.

Have you ever had an obscene
phone call, operator? You haven't.

Well, you're going to get one if
you don't give me my new number.

All right. Let me speak
to your supervisor.

Oh, Walter, did you
remember the Irish whiskey?

Dr. Farrington only
drinks Irish whiskey.

I got the Irish whiskey.
I hope that new number,

is gonna put a stop to
that obscene phone caller.

It will. I mean if I can't
get our new number,

I don't know how he can.

Oh, yeah. You're a supervisor?

You're not a recording, are you?

Good. I'm not either.

My name is Maude Findlay

and I've gotten several
obscene phone calls of...

I did get a new
number yesterday,

but you see, the serviceman
forgot to put the number on the dial,

so I'm calling to
find out what it is.

Of course. I'll hold.

Walter, did you get coffee?

Dr. Farrington loves
espresso coffee after dinner.

I got the espresso coffee. Boy, you're sure
making a fuss over this new psychiatrist.

Oh, why not, Walter?

I mean, during the two weeks
that Dr. Farrington's been

filling in for Dr. Philips, I have
just made enormous strides.

I'm suddenly able to put things
in their proper perspective,

minor irritations
don't upset me.

I've... I found an inner
peace, a tranquility...

What do you mean you can't
give out an unlisted number?

It is my number, you jerk.

I'm sorry. No, I'm
sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I know... I know you're
just doing your job,

but you see,

the serviceman didn't put
the number on my phone.

No, I don't remember his name.

It was just an
average looking man.

Oh, except for one thing.

He wore a princess
phone on his belt.

Thank you very, very much.

I'd appreciate that.

They're going to call right
back with our new number.

Walter, do you see now what
Dr. Farrington has done for me?

I started to explode
and then I suddenly go,

"No, this too shall pass."

And I was able to accept
the situation calmly.

Holy smoke, I got scotch
instead of Irish whiskey.

Dummy.

I'll get the ice.

Oh, Maude.

Oh, poor Maude.

Did that filthy obscene
person call again?

What revolting
things did he say?

Go on, Maude, unburden yourself.

Share with me those
disgusting dirty words.

I didn't get anymore
phone calls.

Oh.

Maude, I've been thinking
about those obscene phone calls

you've been getting
and I have a theory.

Oh, what's that Arthur?

He's got the wrong number.

Arthur, what are
you talking about?

Oh, no offense, Maudie,

but you just don't strike
me as the kind of woman

one of those guys would
go to the trouble of calling.

Oh.

Arthur, how can you say that?

I bet there are plenty of men
who would like nothing better

than to get on the phone and
call Maude a lot of dirty names.

Don't help, Viv.

Now, look, when
Dr. Farringdon gets here,

I want you both to make
him feel really at home.

I mean, he's very special.
He has done wonders for me.

You know, Maude, I've often
thought I'd like to see a psychiatrist.

Vivian, don't be ridiculous.

You don't have any problems.

You live a marvelous life.

You have a perfect
marriage, a beautiful home,

an attractive,
successful husband.

You don't need to
see a psychiatrist.

Arthur, maybe you
should see a psychiatrist.

Because you'd never meet
anyone like Dr. Farrington.

Oh, I don't know
why he wants to leave

and move his practice
out to California.

Oh, that's not
hard to understand.

California is the land
of dates and nuts.

Yeah. Whenever you
have a date, she's nuts.

I guess I'm the only person
here with a sense of humor.

Oh, Walter, will you get that?

It's probably Hubie Binder.

Hubie?

Why did you invite him?

Hubie Binder is an awful bore.

Well, who are you, Dick Cavett?

Look, Hubie is a very shy,

lonely, little man,
and I feel sorry for him.

Vivian, give me a hand
with the hors d'oeuvres.

Well, if Farrington is a
psychiatrist, I'm a surgeon,

Hubie's a foot doctor,
medically speaking,

we got this party
covered from head to toe.

Please, Arthur, please,
Arthur, no more of those jokes.

I'm bringing open food out.

Hi, Hubie, come in.

Oh, thanks, Walter.

Hello, Arthur.

Hi, Hubie.

Walter, I brought this
corsage for Maude.

See, that's too bad,
Hubie, she already ate.

No, this is for her to wear.

Hubie, I'm making a joke.

About what?

Never mind.

Hi, Hubie.

Oh, hello, Vivian. Hello, Maude.

Hello, Hubie.

I'm so glad you
were free tonight.

Oh, I'm free every night.

I never get invited at any
place because, well, you know,

I'm a foot doctor and
for some strange reason

everybody thinks that's boring.

So, I just stay home
alone and watch TV.

I'm really surprised
you asked me here.

Hubie, I was looking over my
guest list and suddenly realized

that I've forgotten the
most important thing.

- What?
- The life of the party.

Me? Oh, you must have
heard about the foot doctor's

Christmas party when I
came as a can of Desenex.

It was a scream. I
had holes in my hat

and I squirted
powder on everybody.

It's hard to believe
that you stay home

every night and watch TV.

Oh, by the way. What
are we celebrating tonight?

Not that it matters, I'm
just happy to be here.

Well, now, you
see, Dr. Farrington

is this marvelous psychiatrist

who has been filling in while my
regular psychiatrist was on vacation.

So, tonight is sort of a
farewell cocktail party.

Hey, Hubie.

Yeah?

Ask me where he's going.

- Where is he going?
- California.

The land of dates and nuts?

Whenever you have
a date, she's nuts?

That's not funny, Hubie.

Oh, Maude.

I almost forgot.

This corsage is for you.

Hubie, how sweet.

You don't often see
brown gardenias.

Vivian, would you put
this in the fridge, please?

In the freezer section.

- Put it in yourself.
- Vivian.

Well, I never get anything
and you always get everything.

First, dirty phone calls.

Now, brown gardenias.

Dirty phone calls?

That right, Hubie.

For the last couple
of weeks, some creep

has been making obscene
phone calls to Maude.

Boy, dirty phone calls to a
nice lady like you, Maude.

That's sick.

That's probably
our guest of honor.

Hello, Maude. I
hope I'm not late.

Not a bit. Come in, doctor.

Everybody, I would like
you to meet my new hero,

Dr. Maxwell Farrington.

It's a great pleasure,
Dr. Farrington.

I'm Walter Findlay,
Maude's husband.

And I'm Dr. Arthur Harmon,
well-known surgeon.

I'm Vivian Harmon,
his little-known wife.

And I'm Hubie Binder,
the life of the party.

Well, it looks like you have
a delightful little group here.

Oh, my God.

What is it? What's the matter?

That's him. That's him.

That's the obscene phone caller.

I'll get it.

Maude, it must be the phone
company with your new number.

Of course. Of course.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Hello?

Yes, yes, this is the
Findlay residence.

Thank you.

One moment. Does
anybody have a pencil?

Yeah, I've got one.

Yeah. What?

555-4171.

Thank you so much.

May I borrow your pen?

What is that
number again? 555...

555-4171.

71. Thank you, Hubie.

Walter, why don't
you give Arthur a hand

and make drinks for everyone?

I'm sorry, Dr. Farrington.

Maude told me that
you like Irish whiskey,

but I got scotch by mistake.

I hope that's all right.

Walter, stop apologizing.

Dr. Farrington is the most
well-adjusted man I know.

I'm sure he can cope
with this little problem.

Of course.

There's no problem here at all.

Just run down to the store
and get me some Irish whiskey.

I'll run to the liquor store.

No, Hubie, I'll go.

No, Walter, that's okay.

I have to pick up
some Binaca anyway.

Walter, keep the party
rolling until I come back.

Doctor, I understand that
you're going to go to California.

That's right.

The land of dates and nuts.

See, Arthur, everybody
knows that joke.

I believe it's in
the Old Testament.

Maude, I'm delighted to
see you in such good spirits.

Thanks to you, doctor.

I wanna thank you too, doctor.

You're the one who's
helped her through this crisis.

Well, she's a very good
patient and she trusts me.

She's been able to communicate
her fear, and her frustrations,

her hostility, her anxieties,
her anger, her rage, her misery.

She told me the
same thing last night.

Who could that be?

Nobody knows our new number.

It's him.

It's him. It's the
obscene phone caller.

I'll get it.

Vivian.

We don't wanna tie
up the line all night.

Let me handle it.

Hello?

Stop right there, sir.

Don't say another word.

I'm Dr. Farrington, I'm a
psychiatrist, and I think I can help you.

Please just let me give you my
office number so that you can...

Hello?

He hung up.

It was your caller, Maude.

Did he say the same disgusting
things to you he always says to Maude?

I'm afraid he did.

- Oh, like what?
- Vivian.

Now, wait a minute.

How did he get the new number?

We just got it ourselves.

That's right.

The only ones who know your new unlisted
number are right here in this room.

Yeah.

Except for Hubie.

Hubie Binder.

Of course.

He even wrote the number down.

Wait till I get my hands
on that little creep.

Oh, Hubie Binder.
It couldn't be Hubie.

He's so... he's so
sweet, he's so innocent.

Come on, Maude,
who else could it be?

Only a simpleton would
write down the number

while we're all watching and then
run right out and make that call.

It is Hubie, isn't it?

Well, at least we know
who the obscene caller is.

That's very important.

Hubie Binder.

Hubie Binder said
all those disgusting,

revolting things to me.

You know, somehow, he
sounds much taller on the phone.

Hubie binder, I
can't believe it.

Sweet, gentle Hubie Binder.

The man is a dirty creep.

I'm gonna belt him the minute
he comes through the door.

No, Walter.

Violence is not the
answer to this problem.

We have to handle
this psychiatrically.

- The doctor is right.
- Oh, yes, of course.

Doctor, now that the
mystery is solved and we know

who the obscene
phone caller was,

there's still one
thing I'd like to know.

What's that?

What were those words
he said to you, Maude?

Vivian, why are
you so preoccupied

with what an obscene
phone caller would say?

I'm not preoccupied, but if I
don't know what words they use,

how will I know when I get one?

I'll tell you what, Viv. I'm
having Hubie arrested.

When he gets to jail, he's
allowed one phone call.

I'll give him your number.

Walter, we can't
have Hubie arrested.

Now, let's look at the
thing in perspective.

Now, Hubie is very
shy and very lonely.

He obviously finds
me physically attractive.

Well, I inflame
some animal passion

and his only outlet for
his lust was a phone call.

Isn't that what you
would say, Doctor?

I would say that you
remind him of his mother.

That's just what I
was going to say.

Vivian, you are right on the
brink of hearing those dirty words.

I don't quite understand,
Dr. Farrington,

what you mean when you say

Maude reminds
Hubie of his mother.

Well, it's a case
of latent hostility,

the son lashing out
at the mother image.

So, the result is an
obscene phone call.

Hubie has been
a very dear friend

and I would like to
do something for him.

Give him a roll of
dimes for Mother's Day.

Walter, stop that.

May I make a suggestion?

Well, of course, doctor.

Dr. Binder needs
special attention.

I think the best course
of action would be

to say nothing to
him when he returns.

We'll just break up the party and
I'll ask him to take a drive with me.

Good idea, doctor.

I think that's wonderful.

Oh, that's Hubie.

Now, what do we do, doctor?

Relax, be
yourselves, act normal.

Good idea. We'll
all just act normal.

Okay.

Walter, would you
answer the door?

Gee, I'm glad
everybody's still here.

When nobody answered the
door, I thought you'd all gone away

and forgot I was even
invited to the party.

It wouldn't be the first
time that happened.

You know we couldn't
possibly forget about you.

I brought your Irish
whiskey, Dr. Farrington.

I hate to be the one
to break up the party,

but I'm afraid it's
time for us to be going.

Yeah, it is getting late.

Time sure flies when
you're polishing a banister.

It must be later than I thought.

Dr. Binder, why don't you
let me drive you home?

I guess my watch
must have stopped.

I have five minutes to 7:00.

What time is it?

- 9:40.
- Midnight.

I better call the time operator.

Hold it right there.

Keep your dirty mouth away
my phone, you little sicky.

Walter, don't talk that way.

Remember what
Dr. Farrington said.

We have to handle this situation
with humanity and compassion.

What are you talking about?

You know damn well
what I'm talking about.

We know all about you, Hubie.

You're lucky we don't have you
arrested for what you've been doing.

Arrested?

Since when is it against
the law to be boring?

You're the one who's been making
these obscene phone calls to Maude.

Me?

You think I'm the one?

We know you are, Dr. Binder.

You're wrong.

Honest. I couldn't make
an obscene phone call.

I don't know enough dirty words

to carry on a
decent conversation.

Hubie, Hubie,

you're the only one who
knew this new number.

Now, Hubie, we
all want to help you.

I'll get it.

He's here in the room, Viv.

Oh.

Oh, you answer it.

Hello?

Let's talk outside, Dr. Binder.

Yes, this is Maude Findlay.

What?

You did?

A few minutes ago?

Very strange.

Thank you.

I don't understand.

That was the phone company.

They said that they called
here a few minutes ago

to check on our new number
and spoke with a Dr. Farrington.

Well, how can that be?

Dr. Farrington was talking
to the obscene phone caller.

And that's Hubie Binder.

Why would I make an obscene
phone call to Dr. Farrington?

Maybe Dr. Farringdon was
talking to the phone company

and pretending that he
was talking to Hubie Binder.

Why would he do that?

Because Hubie Binder

is not the obscene phone caller.

Well, I have to get an
early start in the morning.

- Nice to meet you all.
- Not so fast, Farrington.

Admit it. You're the one who was
making the obscene phone calls,

- not Hubie Binder.
- Maude, that's ridiculous.

No, no.

When you answered
the phone, you pretended

that you were talking
to Hubie Binder,

the obscene phone caller, but in
reality, it was the phone company.

They had called back because
the first time they called,

they gave us the wrong number.

I told you that.

You are wrong, Dr. Farrington.

Oh, no, I'm right.

This time, I'm right and I
don't care what you say.

Sure, you always say I'm wrong
and that's the way it's always been.

You are right and I'm always
wrong, isn't that right, mother?

Oh, sure, it's always
the mother's fault.

Well, I am not your
mother, Dr. Farrington,

and I feel sorry for
her wherever she is.

Incidentally, when was the
last time you called your mother?

Never mind.

Everything's gonna be
all right, Dr. Farrington.

Now, just sit down over here.

You're okay.

He needs a psychiatrist.

He is a psychiatrist.

No, no, I'm not a psychiatrist.

I always wanted
to be one, though.

That's one of the reasons
I was seeing Dr. Philips.

You mean you're a patient

pretending to be a psychiatrist?

That's right.

Well, if you're
not a psychiatrist,

- What the devil are you?
- I'm a locksmith.

That's how I got
into Dr. Phillips' office

when he went away on vacation.

You're not a psychiatrist?

Oh, the things I told you.

What do you think
I made those calls?

Never mind. We psychiatrists
never talk about our cases.

All right. You come
along with us now.

We're going to drive
you to the hospital.

Oh, thank you.

Maude, I want to apologize.

You're really a
wonderful person.

Not many women would
be so understanding.

And you Mrs. Harmon are
a lovely woman, very lovely.

Well, thank you.

You remind me a
little of my mother.

Really?

I'm in the book.

Okay, girls, come on.

The bridge table is all set up.

In a minute, Walter.

Maude, you know, it's been over
a week now since we found out

Mr. Farrington was the
obscene phone caller.

I know, Viv.

And I'll tell you my
stomach still tightens

every time I hear
the phone ring.

Oh, I know, Maude.

You've been so brave about this,

but I'm just worried
about the way

you're keeping it all inside.

I think you owe it to
yourself to lighten your load.

Vivian, how can I
possibly do that?

Tell me all the dirty words
he said to you on the phone.

Vivian, I hate to admit it,
but that actually makes sense.

Maybe I would feel
better if I told you.

I know I would.

Vivian, I warn you though,
this is revolting stuff.

I mean, this would
make any woman recoil.

Well, as long as it
makes you feel better,

that's all I care about.

All right. All right.

This is what he said.

Well?

That's it?

Well, of course, that's it.

I mean, don't you find that
disgusting and revolting?

No.

Why not?

Well, for one thing, I don't
know any of those words mean.

Oh, come one now, Viv.

No, I mean it. I'm sorry.

I just don't understand them.

Oh, pooh-pooh.

Maude Findlay, shame on you.

Now that's
revolting. You're sick.

"Maude" was recorded on
videotape before a studio audience.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪