Master of None (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Old People - full transcript

Do we look okay?

See? Look at the picture.

Look how it's slanting and jumping around.

Yeah, I see that, Grandpa.

It's the tracking. I'm trying to fix it.

It normally doesn't look like that.

I know. I'm working on it.

Well, now it's worse.

Uh, you know, Grandpa Hampton,

we might be ignoring
the larger issue here.

Nobody uses VCRs anymore.



Why don't we throw that guy in the garbage

and we have old Arnold buy you
a brand new Blu-ray player?

I don't trust those discs.

I don't want any lasers in my home.

Plus,
I got my collection of tapes already.

Yeah, Dev, I don't think they have

the 1996 US Open tennis
quarterfinals on Blu-ray yet.

Don't tell me who wins!

All right. I give up.

The stress that it's gonna take
for me to fix this

is not worth the $3 to buy you a new VCR.

We're gonna go out and get you one.

Forget about watching Twins.
Let's skip it.

Let's just sit it down,
have a beer.



Let's talk.

Dude, we got to get the fuck out of here.

I'm not trying to hang out
with your cranky grandpa.

You said we're coming to Astoria
to get a tasty shawarma

and we'd see your grandpa for a minute.

I've been watching blurry Twins
for an hour.

I know. I'm sorry, dude.

Tracking's so bad, it looks like

Arnold Schwarzenegger
and Danny DeVito are twins.

Listen, I'll make an excuse,

then we'll get you that tasty shawarm.

Grandpa, we got to take off.

I have a little emergency here.

I was flying my kite
that's shaped like a shark,

and it got stuck in a tree.

So we're gonna...

I got stuck in a tree once.

In Korea.

We were parachuting in,
and the weather was a nightmare.

We got blown all over the place.

I missed my drop point,
and I wound up stuck in a tree.

I tried to cut myself down,
but I dropped my knife.

And then, I see a group
of four commie soldiers

coming towards me.

I'm trying not to make a sound.

The bastards are right underneath me.

And then one of them bends down
and picks up my knife.

I realize I got about
two seconds before they look up.

Holy shit,
what did you do, Grandpa Hampton?

I pulled out my gun,
and I started firing like hell.

Oh, man. Did you survive, Pop-pop?

Oh, I did, but they didn't.

I killed all of 'em.

Then I shot myself down from the tree.

And when I hit the ground, I see

one of them's still got
a little fight left in him.

But I'm out of bullets.

So I pick up the butt of my gun,
and I smash his skull in.

Oh, anyway... You guys meet Paro?

No, what is that thing?

Oh, he's a robotic seal.

I went to the VA, and they gave me this.

Said I needed a companion.

I was pissed at first,
but I grew to like the little guy.

Isn't that right, Paro?

Dude, that story was insane.

Had your grandpa ever told you
any of that stuff before?

No. He's never mentioned it.

He's usually just complaining about

buying the wrong kind of cottage cheese.

Apparently, there's
a difference in curd size.

Ooh, you know what a good snack is?

Cottage cheese and pineapple.

Bro, you know I don't do sweet and savory.

Come on. You're nuts.

- Mr. Baumheiser.
- Yes.

Would you please rinse
your soda bottles out

before discarding them
into the recycling bins?

You know, that's how we get bugs.

I've mentioned this to you before.

Yes, Gideon, I'll take care of that

next time I bring the bottles down.

My apologies.

Man, you know what we should do?

We should hang out with
your grandpa again sometime.

Just have some beers and hear
some more of his stories.

Hell, yeah. I'd love to do that.

Hampton Baumheiser
was a proud veteran,

husband, father, and grandfather.

He touched our lives in so many ways.

He was always quick
to offer a smile, a joke,

or one of his favorite snacks:

Twizzlers.

Can't believe we were hanging out

with your grandpa a week ago

and now he's dead.

I mean, he's dead.

- Like, he's just dead.
- Yeah.

Can you not say my grandfather's dead

over and over and over again?

I'm sorry.

Hope he got to see
who won that tennis match.

I looked it up. It was Agassi.

And then he lost to Michael Chang.

And then Chang lost to Sampras.

He was a monster back then, right?

Oh, that serve? Whew.

Can we not talk about
the golden age of tennis either?

Sure.

Thanks.

Hi there, boys.

Sorry for your loss, Mr. Baumheiser.

Thank you.

Arnold, how you holding up, son?

Not great.

Well, I hope you know your
grandpa was very proud of you.

Well, not really.

I was just talking to him the other day,

and he wasn't very impressed
with my kite situation.

Oh, so it's still stuck up in that tree?

I'm sorry to hear that.

We'll get you a new kite, son.

All right, boys.

I'd better go check up on your mother.

Hey, man, I know this is a little weird,

but since we're at Pop-pop's funeral,

I was wondering if I could get a hug.

Dude, of course. Love to hug.

Brah, little bit loose of a hug,
don't you think?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'll tighten up.

Aw, that's nice.

And then, out of nowhere, he's just dead.

I'm sorry, babe.

At least you got to know him a little bit.

Yeah. He was a war hero.

Very fond of the film Twins.

That's about all I know,
but he seemed like an interesting guy.

Are any of your grandparents still alive?

Just my grandma on my dad's side,

but she lives in India
and she doesn't speak English,

she just speaks Tamil,

so we've basically had the same
conversation a million times.

I'll call up. She goes, "Hello!"

Then I go, "Hi, Amma. How are you?

I'm good.

All right,
I'm gonna put my dad on now. Bye."

Have you ever tried to learn Tamil?

No. Have you ever tried to learn Tamil?

It's fucking hard.

It's a weird language.

Last time I was in India,
though, I was like,

"Okay, I'm gonna sit down with my grandma,

I'm gonna have my dad translate,

and I'm gonna learn about her life."

But then I got there,
and I just watched Dexter on my iPad.

Ooh, I've always wanted to go to India
and watch Dexter.

It's amazing.

But even if she did live here
and spoke English,

I feel like I would never visit her,
you know?

'Cause that's what we all do.

We just let old people chill out alone.

And then they just die.

God, now you've got me feeling bad.

My grandma Carol lives in the Bronx,

and I hardly ever go and see her.

I should go visit her.

Hey, you want to come?

Hmm, I don't know.

Is she one of those racist grandmas

that's gonna be weird around
someone with my skin tone?

I don't know.
Could be a fun gamble, though.

It says here he left you
something called "Paro."

You know what that is?

What?

What is that?

Oh, man. It's this weird robotic seal.

What does it do?

I don't know.

It, like, blinks sometimes

and wags its tail.

Well, he wanted you to have it.

I think you should at least
take it home with you.

Oh, Dad, this thing's pretty heavy,

and I don't want to carry it
around all day.

Do you mind taking it back
to my apartment, please?

No. Why would I make a trip
to your apartment just for that?

Because you love me?

Come in.

Hi, Grandma Carol.

Oh, my God. Hello.

How are you?

Oh!

We brought you some sunflowers.

Oh, my...
Wow!

Well, thank you so much.

I love your hair. You cut it short.

Look at her.

Isn't she the most beautiful
girl you've ever seen?

She is.

Now, who are you?

This is my friend Dev.

Hey, nice to meet you, Grandma Carol.

Ahh, just a friend. Nothing romantic here?

Yeah, we're seeing each other.

That's great. You seem very nice.

Oh, thank you.

I'll admit, I was a little worried.

Some of my friends have racist grandmas.

Oh, I see.

You assumed I was a racist

just because I'm old.

That's nice.

Well, now the tables have turned.

I'm sorry.

So what did Rachel tell you about me?

Um, she said
your husband fought in the war

and that you love strawberry lemonade.

Wow. What a biography. Thanks, Rachel.

I told him other things.

He just forgot.

No, you didn't.

Let me hear it from the source.

Come on, Grandma Carol.

Tell me,
is the strawberry lemonade thing true?

Yes. What else do you want to know?

Um, well, it's pretty nuts

that you've been in New York so long.

What was it like here
when you were growing up?

What did your parents do?

My father was a blacksmith.

He made all the horseshoes
for the horses and buggies.

So there was, like, horse and buggies

just trotting down Bleeker Street?

That's insane.

The other day
I pressed a button on my phone,

and some dude went and grabbed
me groceries from Whole Foods.

We've really come a long way.

Hello?

Are you kidding me?

He won't.

Okay, okay.
Um, I'll come as soon as I can.

All right, bye.

I am so sorry.

This band that I work with

is playing Fallon tonight,

but their drummer just did some mushrooms

and he thinks he's a dinosaur
and won't go onstage.

So I have to go and deal with this.

You have to leave already?
You just got here.

- You work too much.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Grandma.

I'll come back and visit as soon as I can.

I promise.

All right, Dev. Let's go.

Um, you know, why don't I stay here

and hang with Grandma Carol?

We should finish our game.

And, you know,
I'll just meet up with you later.

Uh, you sure?

Yeah. We'll be fine.

Okay. Um, text me if you need anything.

All right.

Okay.

Bye, Grandma.

Yes, darling.

I love you. Bye.

What the hell does Rachel do for a living?

Do you understand her job?

She does music PR, so,
you know, she's in charge of...

All right, I don't know what she does.

We get free tickets for concerts, though.

It's nice.

...twelve years old, and she was a nun.

Talk about pressure.

Whoa!

Ho!

Come on! Hit 'em.

Oh!

Hit 'em. Hit 'em. Hit 'em.

Yeah!

What do you want?

Trying to watch TV.

You want to watch with me?

All right.

...uh, my life has been just
getting better and better.

Mine, too.

I'm so happy, Vincent.

I feel like sometimes, like

picking you up!

Whoa!

Hug you, hug you, hug you!

You liking this?

And then we jump into a helicopter, right?

But there's all these infected zombies,

and they form, like, this zombie pyramid,

and they're all trying to climb in.

But I'm on a machine gun like...

And then later, the scientist
is with the president, right?

And the president's like,

"What's the situation in Kentucky?"

And the scientist is like,
"Kentucky, Madam President?

Kentucky is gone.
The sickening, it got them all."

And then later on,

I sacrifice my life, and I save Colin.

And then Colin goes on to save the world.

Not for me. Sounds frivolous.

You know what I like?

Blacklist. It's a great show.

You need to get on Blacklist.

All right.

Everything okay in here?

With us, yes.
You, I'm not so sure about.

This handsome young man

may be stealing me away from you, Michael.

Yeah, Michael.

Carol said you never take her out anymore.

Well, you be careful.

She's a handful.

He seems nice.

I hate that guy.

What's he so damn chipper about?

He steals our phone chargers. I know it.

I don't know if that's really
a profitable racket.

- Are you sure?
- Oh, I'm sure.

He's not in it for the money.
It's about power.

This may be weird to ask,
but why are you even here?

You seem like you can
take care of yourself.

I was completely fine.

And then one day, I fell,
and everyone panicked,

and they put me in this god-awful place.

It doesn't seem so bad.

You got puzzles, books...
Mostly Bibles,

but there's a few Koontzes in there.

There's nothing to do here.

"Come on, Carol, let's go sit

in the butterfly garden for 15 minutes."

I don't want to see any more
goddamn butterflies.

Oh, that sucks. I'm sorry.

That's what happens when you get old.

You get dumped in one of these places,

and they give you a little robotic seal.

Paro?

You know Paro?

Yeah, my friend's grandpa had one,

but he's dead now.

Sorry.

I'm really hungry.
We should have some dinner.

Do they have any food here?

The food here is terrible.

You know what would be great?

Bamonte's.

That old-school Italian red sauce place?

Let's go!

All right. Sure.

Yeah, I'm not doing anything else.
Let's go.

You distract the orderly
while I make a run for it.

Wait, what?
What are you talking about?

I can't leave the home
unless I'm with someone

who's on the approved chaperones list.

You're not on the list.

Why don't we just sneak out?

People do it all the time.

I don't know, Grandma Carol.

Maybe we should just stay here.

I won't want us to get in trouble.

Fine, then the other option is,
you stay here with me,

and then we go to tonight's show.

The Amazing Brandon.

The endless handkerchief?

That's his headlining trick?

Very underwhelming.

He's the owner's nephew.

He's horrible.

"Quarter from behind your ears"
on the flyer?

Bamonte's.

Bamonte's, Bamonte's, Bamonte's,
Bamonte's, Bamonte's!

All right. Fuck The Amazing Brandon.

Let's go eat.

Hey! There he is. Michael.

So, hey, um, I got a grandpa,

and he's thinking about moving here

to this facility.

And I just wanted to talk to you

'cause I recently saw this Dateline piece

about a retirement facility in Maryland

where, uh, the workers were
practicing wrestling moves

on the residents.

Some of these clips were pretty brutal.

There was this one guy, Mongo.

He would give people pile drivers.

You know what that is?

That's where you take someone,
you flip them up,

and you slam their head down
like this, boom!

I mean, I don't think my grandpa

could handle something like that.

Oh, we've never had any abuse issues here.

Um, okay.

This one guy who just loved
clotheslining people.

He was just like, "Watch out, Agnes!" Pff!

"Look out, Raymond!" Pff!

"Coming through, Arthur!" Pff!

"Clear the way, Cecilia!" Pff!

"Here I come, Margaret!" Pff!

"All right..."
You know, just awful.

So, Anthony, what are the specials?

Today we have
an excellent chicken Milanese,

a veal Francese,

and my personal favorite,

homemade pappardelle with an oxtail rag?.

Bon?ssima!

Ooh, Anthony,
you're getting me very excited

with all these dishes.

Carol, I'm a man of many interests,

but my true passion might be pasta.

Rigatoni with vodka sauce?

Gnocchi with Bolognese?

Bamonte's combination salad?

Well, that doesn't sound that exciting,
but I bet it's good.

So tell me how you met
my lovely granddaughter.

Um, it was at a dance, a formal dance.

Oh, come on.

Tell me the truth.

Don't treat me like some old prude.

All right. Well, we met at a bar.

And we both got pretty drunk,

and, uh, we hooked up that night.

Then you started dating?

No, that night got a little complicated

for reasons I probably shouldn't get into.

But we ran into each other
a few weeks later.

Then you started dating?

No, she was still seeing
her ex-boyfriend at that time,

but they eventually broke up.

And we started texting back and forth.

We took a trip to Nashville together.

And then we started dating.

Wow.

There were much fewer steps
for me and Harry.

What was it like dating back then?

Seems like everything was
a little nicer and simpler.

A guy from the neighborhood
came up and said,

"You're beautiful.

I'm gonna marry you."

Then he did.
Then you raise a bunch of kids.

Your husband dies.
Your kids put you in a home.

And then you're eating pasta

with your granddaughter's
ethnic boyfriend.

Seems nice, though.

You committed to a relationship,
and it worked.

You weren't constantly concerned
about what else was out there.

I was lucky.

Other people were miserable.

And everything happened so fast.

I was raising a family
when I was 20 years old.

Wow, I definitely couldn't
have done that when I was 20.

Would have been hard to support
a family on school credit

that I was earning for my
internship at Nickelodeon.

There must have been
some fun times, though.

I once hitchhiked to Atlantic City

on an ice truck to see Sinatra.

See? That's a story.

What am I gonna tell my kids?

"Oh, once my mom drove me to see
Hootie and the Blowfish."

You'll have stories, believe me.

I hope so.

All right, so let's say

you didn't have to settle down so quick.

What do you think you would have done?

I don't know. I always loved music.

Maybe something in that field.

I wish Rachel still played music.

Her band was fantastic.

Rachel was in a band? I didn't know that.

It was called... a scam band,
or a... scar band.

Wait, Rachel was in a ska band?

Yeah.

Her band was called Nostraskamus?

Grandma Carol, please give me this photo.

Can I have it? Please, please, please.

I'm begging you. Let me have it, please?

Why don't you borrow it

and bring it back
when you visit me next week?

Deal.

You ready to get dinner?

Yeah, one sec.

Just finishing this
beautiful stallion's mane.

Perfect.

Hey, Dad, do you mind
if Paro comes to dinner with us?

That puppet thing?

Oh, no. I'm just kidding.

Never mind.

Warm?

See you after dinner, buddy.

All right, Grandma Carol.

We broke you out of your retirement home.

You hitchhiked
on an ice truck to see Sinatra.

Between us,
what's the worst thing you've ever done?

Well, one time, before the kids were born,

I stole a car.

What? Grandma Carol!

How did that happen?

I was walking on the street,

and I saw a man leave his car running

and go into a store.

For some reason, I felt like

I had to get in and start driving.

I don't know what came over me.

I just had to do it.

I got on the highway and took off.

The car was a convertible.

I still remember the wind on my face.

For the first time in years,

I felt like I could go anywhere,

do anything.

The possibilities were endless.

Then something happened to the car.

I don't know what.

It started making strange noises,

and the hood started smoking.

I thought about calling my brother Johnny,

who was a mechanic, but I was pretty sure

he'd be mad at me for being a thief.

So I just pulled over,
got out, and walked away.

Harry never even knew.

Got on a bus, came home,

cleaned the house, made us dinner.

Wow.

But you didn't really steal the car.

You kind of just moved it
to a random place.

Oh, hold on. Oh, it's Rachel.

I'll see if she wants to meet up.

- Hey.
- Hey!

I just got a call from the home,

and they said that my grandma's missing.

What happened when you left?
Did she say anything?

Oh, no, no, no. She's fine.
She's here with me right now.

What? Where are you?

At Bamonte's?

She told me it'd be fine
if we snuck out for a few hours,

as long as we got back before curfew.

She's fine. I promise.

Oh, thank God she's okay.

Could you just take her back to the home?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm really sorry.

I'll bring her back right now.
We'll just meet you at the home.

Bye.

I'm in deep shit now, Grandma Carol.

I heard. It's fine.

Thanks for taking me out.

Let me go to the bathroom,
and then we'll go.

All right.

Hey. What's that in your backpack?

You know the rules.
No pets in the building.

Oh, it's not a pet. It's just Paro.

He's the best. You want to pet him?

Why would I want to do that?

Here, hold him.

What is this?

He's kind of cute. Hi.

Hey, I got to go meet a friend.

You want to hold on to him for a while?

Yeah, all right, if it'll help you out.

Thanks, Gideon.

Goodbye, friend.

Paro, how are you?

Grandma Carol?

Carol, you in there?

Hey, excuse me.

Do you mind going in the bathroom

and seeing if there's
an old lady in there?

What?

I had dinner with this grandma,

and she went to the bathroom,
and she's been taking a while,

so I just want to make sure
she didn't fall down and die.

To be clear, this is not my grandma.

It's my girlfriend's grandma.

So it's a white grandma,
not an Indian grandma.

Okay.

Thank you so much.

Yeah.

Uh...

No grandmas, white or Indian.

Aw, you got to be shitting me.

Can I go to the bathroom now?

Yeah, yeah. Sorry for the outburst.

Yeah.

Where could she be?

Did she mention anything else?

She likes that show Blacklist.

- How is that helpful, Dev?
- I don't know.

You asked if she mentioned anything else.

She mentioned she likes Blacklist.

I'm not a detective.

You know who could find her?

Red Reddington,
James Spader's character in Blacklist.

Shut up!

Look, your grandma's fine, okay?

She's not this frail old lady.

She can take care of herself.

She once hitchhiked
on an ice truck to see Sinatra.

She's a badass.

Wait.

I think I know where she might be.

Oh, so Blacklist did help.

No, it didn't help.

Well, it clearly
inspired a train of thought

that was helpful.

This is her favorite jazz club.

* Up with the stars, I'm dancing *

* Whistling love's happy tune *

* One little kiss has sent me *

* Over the moon *

* I'm over the moon *

Hey, you know who I heard's
playing later tonight?

The trombonist from Nostraskamus.

No!

Oh! Where did you get this?

Grandma Carol.

Oh, thank you so much.

Would you mind if I just sang one more?

* You go to my head *

* And you linger *

* Like a haunting refrain *

* And I find you *

* Spinning round in my brain *

* Like the bubbles *

* In a glass of champagne *

* Oh, you go to my head *

* Like a sip of sparkling *

* Burgundy brew *

* And I find the very mention of you *

* Like the kicker *

* In a julep or two *

* The thrill of the thought *

* That you might give a thought *

* To my plea *

* Casts a spell over me *

* Still I say to myself *

* "Get ahold of yourself" *

* "Can't you see that it never can be?" *

* Oh, you go to my head *

* With a smile that makes *

* My temperature rise *

* Like a summer *

* With a thousand Julys *

* You intoxicate my soul *

* With your eyes *