Master of None (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Mornings - full transcript

Rachel moves in with Dev and they start having relationship issues.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
Hey.

-Hey.
-Can you keep it down?

Some people are trying to sleep.

Sorry.

I have to go to work.

Why do you have to go to work so early?

Can't you quit and just start working
at Boning Industries?

What's Boning Industries?

It's a company I started
where we just bone all day.

Ooh.

Oh, can you tuck me in before you leave?



-Yeah, hold on.
-Thank you.

-I'll tuck you in.
-Thank you.

Ah! No!

That's not a good tuck.

Hey, what are you doing?

Wait, what?

-You squeeze it from the top?
-Yeah.

You got to squeeze from the bottom.
That's so wasteful.

No, I just squeeze from the top,

and then when it doesn't come out anymore,
I throw it away.

You got to squeeze from the bottom.
See, like this.

Can I give you a massage?

Yeah. That'd be actually really nice.

Great. I give the best massages.



-You ready?
-Mm-hmm.

Ow! Ow, ow, ow!

One, two, three.
Say, "Stuck in the fireplace."

Stuck in the fireplace!

-Oh, that's good.
-Yeah?

-Oh, that's the right spot.
-You like that?

Hi!

All right, thank you.

Mm!

Oh, oh, God.

Oh!

-All right.
-Whew.

That's the last box.

I am officially moved in.

You are, but, um,

I kind of changed my mind,
and I think you should leave,

so can you pack your shit up
and get out of here?

Oh.

Yeah, it happens.

Well, good thing I'm already packed.

It'll make this easy.

Great. All right, see you later.

I guess you don't want
that housewarming present

that I got you.

What present?

I love presents.

Can I have it, please?

Can you move back in? Please, please?

-Okay, sure, yeah.
-Yeah!

Ready?

Ta-da!

A pasta maker? I love it!

Yeah, you love eating pasta so much,

I thought you might enjoy making it, too.

I've always wanted to learn
how to make fresh pasta,

but I've been too lazy, thank you.

Sorry about all the clothes on the floor.

That's all right. Don't worry about it.

Hey, my conference call got pushed.

I got a little extra time.

You want to go get breakfast?

Um... yeah.

Or... we could just bone.

Ah!

Hey, quick question.

Do you want to fuck me on that chair?

Um, quick answer.

Yes, I do.

-Does that feel good?
-Yeah.

Oh, God.

That was insane.

What if whenever I came, I was like this?

That's all I did.

That's how cool guys fuck.

They're just like...

Um, what if, when I came,
I was like-- I was like,

Oh, yeah!

- Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh...
- yeah...

Oh, no, please.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah,
oh, yeah, oh... yeah...

God, no, no, no.

-Oh, yeah.
-No, stop.

Stop fucking me.

Hey, Rachel.

You know we have hardwood floors?

I just got a glimpse
through all your clothes down here.

Okay, I'll clean it up later.

It's all right.

I'm usually the clean person
in a relationship, anyway.

Um...

are you implying that I'm the dirty one

in this relationship?

I mean, if we got to pick,
clearly, I'm the clean boo.

You're the dirty boo.

Oh, okay, well, clean boo,
you left all the glasses

and spilled Campari
on the kitchen counter.

Is that a new clean boo move
I don't understand?

That's in the kitchen.
Things spill every now and then.

I'll clean it up later.

I'm just saying, I feel like

you should be respectful of my place

if you're gonna live here,
you know, and be clean.

Your place?

Hey, come on.

I'm living in your place?

I'm sorry, I didn't know
that I was staying in your place.

I thought this was our apartment.

I thought I was living here
and we were living here together.

No, no, no, you know what I meant.
You know what I meant. Come on.

-No, I don't know what you meant.
-Don't do that.

Why don't you explain what you meant?

I'm-- I meant...

we're a team, and we're in this together,
and we're a clean team.

Okay, don't try and save yourself
with those bullshit phrases.

You think that I'm living in your place.

-No--
-Fine, you know what?

I'll clean up the floor.

-Great. You know what?
-Come on.

I'll be your maid.

Oh, excuse me?
Room service.

Oh, sorry, sir. You're here.

I heard you want the floor clean.

What?

All right,
whatever accent you were just doing,

it's very offensive,

so you're a racist boo and a dirty boo.

Oh, my God.

There. Fine.

Floor...

is... clean.

What are you even gonna
do there anyway, huh?

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna hold a plank pose--
ah-- for 30 seconds.

Sorry.

Ah.

Which-- Which--
Let's move together, like--

-Okay.
-Okay.

Okay, okay, there.

Do you want to go to the chair?

I don't know.

I'm kind of tired.

You should just finish.

Well, I don't want to finish
if you're not gonna finish.

Okay, well, you don't have to finish.

Well, neither of us finish?
That just seems sad.

Okay, then just finish.

No, it's okay.

I'm kind of tired, too.

All right.

Hey, so I picked us up a little treat

at Babeland yesterday.

Ooh, Babeland?

Early Christmas present.

-Intrigued?
-Why, yes.

Get ready for...

The Liberator.

What is this? Is it a pillow?

No, it's a firm wedge
so we can get different angles.

Check it out.

You get the wedge up in here,

and then you can hit
these different kind of angles.

You see?

Don't they look like
they're having a blast?

Wait, why do we need this?

The guy at the store said
it was their best-selling thing.

Why are you making fun of it?

It's just a pillow.

We have, like, eight of these.

No, no, it's not a pillow.

It's a firm wedge.

Okay, stop saying "firm wedge."

Fine, I'll throw it in the fucking trash.

Wait, wait, calm down.

What's going on?

Are you trying to spice things up?

Yeah, I'm trying to spice things up.

Because we used to have, like,
crazy, amazing sex all the time.

You know?

And now I feel like it's pretty routine.

It's like a little bit of this
and then a little bit of this

and then a little bit of this,
and then we're done.

Okay, first of all, ouch,

and second of all, who says that going in

at a different angle
is gonna solve anything?

All right, the guy said this was

their best-selling thing by far, okay?

I'm just trying to improve our sex lives.

Okay, well, here's an idea.

How about you stop rubbing your eye
every time you shove your junk in me?

-What?
-Yeah, you're always like...

It's distracting.

Okay, well,
sometimes my contacts get dried, okay?

Well, take them out.

No, because then it would be like
I'm fucking someone blurry.

Okay,
why don't we just go return it

and go pick something out together?

No, I can't return The Liberator.

Babeland has a very strict return policy

for obvious reasons.

It's fine.

I'll just use it for lumbar support
when I'm watching TV.

Wait, what?

Great.
Well, now I'm liberated from back pain.

Ooh, nice bumps.

What?

That's your butt.

Bumps is what I called my butt
when I was a little boo.

Oh, well, thanks.

You have nice bumps, too.

Thank you. I'm quite proud of my bumps.

I have an idea.

We should name our other body parts.

Why have we never done this before?

What would your penis be called?

Um...

-Charlemagne.
-Wait, Charlemagne?

Yeah, he's dignified.

Okay, I see that.

What's her name?

Beatrice.

Beatrice and Charlemagne?

All right, I like that.

Hmm.

Hey, I have an idea.

How about we play a game
to keep the room clean?

If you catch any of my clothes
on the floor or on the chair,

I have to have, uh,

an intimate conversation with Beatrice.

And if I catch any of your clothes

on the floor or on the chair,

you have to have...

an intimate little chat with Charlemagne.

Hmm, that's a fun game.

I'm in.

All right. Boom.

Whoa!

Look at this clean floor!

It was a really good idea.

Ah!

All right, sounds good.

See you then. Bye.

Hey, can we go get dinner
with my friend Megan tomorrow?

She's moving to Thailand for three months,
and I want to say goodbye.

Sure.

-What's she doing in Thailand?
-I don't know.

She just wanted to live abroad
for a little while.

It's pretty cool.

Nice.

Busted.

All right, come on.

That's Lupe, the housekeeper.

She folded them up. That doesn't count.

I don't know, man. Rules are rules.

I think you got to go down on Lupe.

No, that's not fair.

You know what's weird is that you would

theoretically rather have a clean floor
than me blow you,

because if I just made a mess every day,

I would have to go down on you
all the time.

No, you don't understand.

Having a clean apartment, whew,

that's like getting a tiny blow job
anytime you see a clean area.

It's like, ooh, ah, ooh, ay, ooh.

Okay, well,
somebody has to pay for those clothes...

and I think it's you.

All right.

Text Lupe I'll go down on her.

Hi.

Dude, what are you doing?

Just making sure
everything's going all right.

You can't make silly faces.

Sorry, I just wanted to make sure
I was doing a good job.

-You're doing great.
-Can I get a juice break?

Stop.

All right, back to work.

Shut up!

I'm going back in!

Here we go!

Whoa!

Okay, well, have a good trip,

and just text me when you guys land, okay?

All right, bye, Ma.

Love you.

Hey.

Can I ask you something?

Yeah.

What do your parents know about me?

Huh?

I just noticed on your phone conversations
with them,

you never talk about me,

but I talk about you with my mom
all the time,

so what do they know about me?

I guess I don't talk about us much.

So they know I live with you?

No.

But they know you have a girlfriend,
right?

Not really.

Not really?

It's a cultural thing, okay?

We just don't talk
about that kind of stuff.

Dev, we've been dating for almost a year!

You're such a big part of my life.

My parents know everything about you.

My mom DVRs TV shows,

so she can fast-forward through them
to watch your commercials.

How do they not know about me?

Well, what do you want me to do?

Do you want me to call them right now?

No, it's fine.

If it's awkward,
I don't want to make you do anything

that you don't want to do.

But it just makes me feel like
you're ashamed of me

or something.

Look, it's different, okay?

If you're a white person
and you're dating somebody,

you just call your parents and tell them,
"Hey, I'm dating this person,"

and they're like, "Oh, great.

Let me invite him over

and feed him, like,
chicken and dumplings."

Okay.

Hey, come on.

What?

That's like the kind of tone
people use when they've decided

they're gonna murder the other person.

That's not nice.

That's like when someone's like,

"Okay, no more arguing.

I'll just chop their head off
when they're asleep."

Rachel, don't chop my head off.

Hey, boo, come here!

Come have some of this fresh juice!

Damn, that's not a lot of juice
for all that squeezing I did.

-Hey.
-Come here. Look at this.

Fresh grapefruit juice.

Oh, I'm glad you like your juicer.

You think you're ever gonna use
that pasta maker I got you?

I want to use the pasta maker,

but making fresh pasta
is a little intimidating.

I might just be better at eating pasta.

So I had an interesting meeting
at work yesterday.

There might be a big position opening up.

Nice.

Yeah, and if I got it,

I would be the head of the big team

running Reply All and some other bands.

The only thing is,
is I would have to go to Chicago

for, like, six months.

Six months?

Wow, that's a long time.

Would you come back on weekends?

Yeah, I-I can come back on some weekends.

But it's a great opportunity,

and I can make connections I can use
with some of the cooler bands

I've always wanted to work with.

Yeah, I get it.

You get it,
but it doesn't seem like you support it.

I support it.

That doesn't sound very convincing.

I support it!

You don't have to be an asshole about it.

Hey, I'm not being an asshole.

It's just, six months is a long time

to just come back on some weekends.

I mean, what,
now we're one of these couples

that just FaceTimes each other
all the time?

Look, I haven't actually taken
the position yet.

They just asked
if I could fly in to interview.

Can I just do that?

Yeah, do whatever you want.

What?

It's just, I feel like you always say,

"Like, oh, well, I do this,
and then I get to work

with the bands
I'm really passionate about,"

and it doesn't work that way, you know?

And now you're talking about moving
all the way to Chicago

for six months to work with these bands

that I know you don't really care about.

But sometimes you have to pay your dues

to do the things that you want to do.

You do commercials.

How artistically fulfilling is that?

Oh, now you're shitting on me
because I do commercials?

Uh, I do commercials for, like, three days

on a shoot in New York.

I don't move to Chicago for six months

to shoot a fucking
Fruit by the Foot commercial.

If I did that, I would question
my time management skills.

Wait, so you think
that I'm mismanaging my time?

No, I'm just saying,

are you sure you want to move
all the way to Chicago?

No, I'm not sure I want to move
all the way to Chicago!

Why are you yelling?

Because you're right,

but you're being really insensitive
about it.

God. Well--

Okay, maybe I shouldn't be doing
any of this,

but what am I supposed to do?

I'm 30 years old. I can't just start over.

I've been doing this for too long.

All I'm saying is to just sit for a beat

and make sure
this is something you want to do.

What, I'm just gonna sit for a beat?

What, am I gonna be 50?

Or if I just sit around, hanging around,
doing the same shit,

working with the same bands
that nobody likes?

And I hate their music, and I hate my job,

and, what, and I fucking hate my life?

No, hey, come here.

I'm not saying any of that.

Jeez, come on. Hey.

Come on.

You want me to call Princeton Jay
from Reply All

and have him sing a song
to make you feel better?

Don't be fucking silly.

This is serious.

All right, I'm sorry.

I'm just gonna do the interview
and see what they say.

I have to go to work

and work on some more dumb shit

that I don't care about, apparently.

Hey.

Rachel.

I did it!

Hello?

Hey!

How was Chicago?

It was good.

It smells really good in here.

Yes, close your eyes.

Sit on the couch.

All right, open them.

Surprise!

I made us spaghetti carbonara.

I used the pasta maker.

I even made a veg version for you.

You made this?

Yeah. Take a bite.

Mmm, this is so good.

Yeah, I did good, right?

Um, I really missed you.

I missed you, too.

The place is so clean.

Yeah, because you've been gone.

I missed your mess.

I can make a mess.

Yeah, there we go.

Yes.

Yes!

Um, how did the interview go?

The interview went really, really well,

but I decided not to take the position,

which actually worked out for the best,

because I talked to them how I was unhappy
working with all the crappy bands,

and they totally got it,

and now they're gonna make
more of an effort

to position me with artists
I'm really into.

-That's great.
-Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, six months
would have been pretty intense.

I-- I guess I was a little scared. Um...

I know we fight about, like, silly stuff,

and I have been known to make silly faces

when I'm going down on you.

But, um,

I really like this.

I like this, too.

And I like this.

-Mmm, so good.
-Hey, hey, take it easy.

-So good.
-You're going crazy.

Stop. No.

-Eh?
-That looks nice.

-Yeah, this is better.
-Yeah.

Ooh, that's them.

-Hello.
-Hey.

-How are you?
-Good, good. Come on in.

How are you?

What's up, man?

It's so dirty in the stairway.

You need to move to a nicer building.

It's old.

Maybe you should find a cleaner place.

Yeah.

You know, because most of the buildings
in New York are nice and cheap,

so I'll just pop into one of those

instead of this one
that I chose for no reason.

I still don't believe

that you've been living with this girl
for a whole year

and didn't tell us.

Yeah, but I don't know, it's--

I thought it might be weird
because you guys

are from a different culture
and everything.

Different culture?

Po-da!
We've been living here for 40 years.

It is like that movie.

What's the one?

The Ben Stiller movie
where he meets the parents?

It's called Meet the Parents.

Meet the Parents!

Stop it, Ramesh.

I like that movie.

It's funny.

Just tea?

Any Indian sweets?

Some laddus?

No, we don't have any Indian sweets.

We have some cheeses.

Cheese?

I don't like cheese.

Any popadam?

Popadam is Indian chips.

Rachel, we brought you a small gift.

Thank you so much.

You didn't have to do that.

I hope you like it.

Wow, I love it.

Oh, my God, thank you.

It's so nice.

And it's real nice meeting you.

It's nice meeting you.

Wonderful.

Let me take a picture of this moment.

Okay, guys.

Sit together.

Hey, tuck your tummy, man.

What?

Okay.

Smile.

One, two, three.

All right, night-night.

Night.

I can't sleep, boo.

Aw.

Can you tell me a story?

Mm...

Once upon a time,

there was a little boo named Dev,

and he couldn't sleep,

and he kept
the lovely Princess Rachel awake,

and she went crazy,
and she beat his bumps.

Hey.

That story doesn't have a good ending.

It's too sad.

You tell me a story.

Okay.

Um...

once upon a time,
there was this little boo named Dev,

and one day,

he met this beautiful princess
named Rachel,

and she had the nicest bumps ever,

and she was really cool and funny.

And she was standing at this jukebox,

and little Dev went over and said,

"Hey, were you playing the Buzzcocks?"

And she was like, "Oh, yeah, that was me,"

and he was like,
"Oh, I love the Buzzcocks."

And they started talking and dancing,

and eventually, they went home together,

and Charlemagne met Beatrice.

But that night,
Charlemagne was so powerful,

he broke through his protective shield,

and they had to go get the magic potion

called a Plan B pill,
and it was kind of weird.

And they thought they were never
gonna see each other ever again.

But then they ran into each other
at a concert,

and they were drinking
and dancing and having fun,

and then Dev was like,
"Ooh, I'm gonna kiss her."

But Princess Rachel
was dating some evil prince

that lived in some kingdom called Seattle,
so she couldn't do it.

But then one day,

they took a trip to Nashville together,

and they had so much fun.

It was the greatest trip ever.

And eventually,
they moved into the same castle together.

And every now and then,
they fought about silly stuff,

and sometimes they fought
about more serious stuff.

But in the end, they figured it out

because they love each other very much

and they really love the kingdom
they built together.

The end.

Did they live happily ever after?

I don't know about ever after,
but they're pretty happy now.