Master of None (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Nashville - full transcript

Rachel has finally broken up with her ex-boyfriend, so Dev decides to invite her to a trip to Nashville.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Dude, these bathrooms are so amazing.

I love when restaurants splurge
on those premium hand dryers.

I feel like I'm drying
my hands in the future.

Oh, and that fancy soap?

- Mm.
- My hands smell like geraniums.

It's amazing.

Hey, so I was thinking about this.

You know in that 8 Mile song,

Eminem raps,

♪ There is no movie
There's no Mekhi Phifer ♪

But it is a movie.

And Mekhi Phifer's there.

He's there.

Uh-uh. That's where you're wrong.

He's writing it from
the perspective of Eminem

in real life.

No, no, no.

He says... ♪ Mom's spaghetti ♪

That's in the movie.

He has a spaghetti stain on his shirt

before the battle at The Shelter.

He's B-Rabbit.

No, you're just being ignorant now.

In the first verse,

he's rapping as the character B-Rabbit,

and there is a movie...
I'll grant you that.

Thank yer.

But in the second verse,

the perspective switches to that of Eminem,

the real-life rapping actor.

So therefore, the lyrics stand.

There is no movie.

There is no Mekhi Phifer.

[sighs] All right. Point taken.

Wait a second. Hold on.

If, in the second verse,
he's rapping as Eminem,

- then it's real life, correct?
- Correct.

All right, well, in that scenario,

Mekhi Phifer the actor does exist.

He should be saying...

♪ There is no movie There's
no David 'Future' Porter ♪

Well, that's where things get interesting.

Can we please talk about
literally anything else?

[Dev] All right.

Um, I got to figure out a first
date with that girl Rachel.

Ooh. She's single again?

Yes, she texted me earlier today and said,

"Things are done and done with my ex.

I'm up for that date if
it's still on the table."

I was thinking a nice dinner at Giorgio's.

Thoughts? Concerns?


I swear, every chick I've
ever gone on a date with

has taken me to Giorgio's.

Don't do dinner. Everyone does that.

You got to do something
different and adventurous.

Good call. You got to be
creative nowadays, cat.

For example, I really liked this girl,

so I sent her an e-vite to my heart.

Ooh, what happened?

She declined.

[Denise] Okay, uh...

what about this?

I got an email from this travel site

offering, like, $50 tickets to Nashville.

Take her to Nashville for a night.

I don't know.

A vacation for a first date?

Isn't that kind of nuts?

That's what's so great about it.

It's a bold move.

Plus, think about it like this:

if you do the normal date dinner,

then it's like, the next day,
you'll be stressing out about,

"When should I text her?

What's the next date gonna be?"

This way, it's like ten dates in a row.

Y'all are just there,

straight kicking it in Cashville.

Mm. Denise, you sold me.

I'm gonna do it.

How's this for the text?

"This may sound nuts,

but would you want to go to
Nashville for the weekend?"

I don't know. I think that text
could use some seasoning, man.

Maybe add a little of
that classic Dev spice.


Let me see if I can find a little pinch.

Uh, ooh. I got it.

"Are you down to clown in Nash-town?"

Fire it off, playboy.

It's off.

Arnold, what's going on
in your love life, buddy?

Mm. It's okay.

Went out with this girl
Jess the other week,

and I thought we had
this connection, but...

[cell phone honks]

Ooh, she wrote back already.

Uh, "That sounds amazing.

I have my niece's violin
recital at 7:00 on Sunday.

If we can be back by then,
I'm down to be chillin'

like a Nash-villain."

Told you.

♪ Nashville date ♪

♪ Nashville date ♪

♪ Nashville date
Nashville date ♪

Speed it up. ♪ Nashville
date, Nashville date ♪

♪ Nashville date,
Nashville date ♪

Really slow.

♪ Nashville ♪

♪ Date ♪

♪ Nashville ♪

♪ Date ♪


[unintelligible noises]

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Sorry.

Arnold, what were you saying?

Oh, nothing.

Just that her parents were
in a Japanese internment camp,

nothing important.

Go ahead with your singing and dancing.

♪ Nashville date,
Nashville date ♪

[country music]

♪ ♪

- What's up?
- Hi.

- How are you?
- Good.

- Here, I'll grab this.
- Oh, thank you.

Um, so I checked the traffic on Waze,

and it looks like we're
pretty good on time.

- You want to grab a coffee real quick?
- Yeah, sure.

- All right.
- [sighs]

This is so exciting.

I've never been to Nashville before.

Ooh, actually, slight change of plans.

We're now going to Trenton, New Jersey.

My friend told me about
this chemical plant there.

It's supposed to be really
awesome, so I booked us a tour.

Oh, there's also this great landfill.

- We have to check it out.
- All right, cool.

[both laugh]

Uh, so what's been going on with you?

Um, not much.

I've been filming this black virus movie

called The Sickening.

You're not gonna believe
it, but I play a scientist.

Ooh, what kind?

Um, an Indian scientist.

Oh. [laughs]

Um, hey, can we get a
cortado, please, and...

I'll take a cortado as well.

Um, so what's been going on?

Uh, work's been good.

I did have to put out a few fires this week

when one of my artists
used the phrase "fat chicks"

in an interview.

Ooh, not defending this guy,

but what is the proper terminology there?

Like, oversized, plus-sized?

You know, I think
maybe, like, full-bodied,

but in this situation,

he said, "I don't fuck with fat chicks."

So I don't think it would've helped.

- Yikes.
- [laughs]

Thank you.

- Here you go.
- Thanks.

There you go.

So how long's this flight?

Um, about two hours.

So we watch a couple of
Shark Tank episodes,

and then, boom, we're there.

Oh, I feel like I have so many ideas
that would work on Shark Tank.

Really? Like what?


- like Trazam.
- What's Trazam?

It's Shazam for trees.

Haven't you ever looked at a tree
and wondered what kind of tree it was?

No, not really.

Okay, when I look at trees, I want
to know what kind of tree it is.

Oh, my God, I just thought of
the perfect tag to end my pitch.

But I feel like if I said it out loud,
you'd definitely want to end this date.

All right, what is it?


Trazam: this time,
money does grow on trees.

All right, well, date over.


It was so nice meeting you.

- Have a good one.
- Cool.


- Here you go.
- Thank you.


[people conversing indistinctly]

Hey, you're from Florida, right?

You ever run into Danny Glover?

Uh, no, 'cause I'm from
Texas... San Antonio.

- Shit!
- Yeah.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

I swear you said you were from Florida.

Uh, I didn't say that.


You know what happened?

That was actually Danny Glover.

I met him the same night I met you,
and he told me he was from Florida.

That's why I got confused. I'm sorry.

A lot of people get me mixed up
for Danny Glover all the time.

He's the celebrity you get the most?

Oh, yeah, for sure. One
time, I met Mel Gibson.

He was very confused.



I'm sorry I didn't remember
you were from Texas.

Uh, I was definitely hammered that night,

so please just give me a
pass on the basis of that.

Oh, of course.

I barely remember anything from that night,

except for that you're from South Carolina,

you have a younger brother,

your dad's a doctor,

and you went to a public
high school for students, uh,

gifted in math and science.



don't you feel like
those are just assumptions

you can make about any Indian person?

[Rachel] Thank you.

[Dev] Thanks.


- This is really nice.
- Yeah.

Are you gonna, like,
propose to me or something?

No. Are you gonna propose to me? [chuckles]

That didn't make sense.

Checking in.

Dev Shah.

Dev Shah for one night.

- Here are your room keys.
- Thanks so much.

Hey, is it true this hotel is haunted?

Well, some people claim to have
seen a ghost we call Alfred,

but he's harmless.

Ooh. Was he murdered?
Did it happen in our room?

Can we get a ghost discount?

[laughs] No.

He just died in the hotel, in his sleep.

It wasn't in your room.

In his sleep?

That sounds like a decoy story.

Mm, agreed.

Between us, Timothy,

blink if he actually got murdered.

Sir, I have to blink,

but it doesn't indicate
a guest was murdered.

Is that clear?


Totally clear.

Okay, seriously, nobody got murdered.

Oh, no, we understand.


Enjoy your stay.

Hey, and thanks for being up-front
about the whole murder thing.

We'll keep that between us.

Man, I hope we get some
Alfred the Ghost action.

Wouldn't that be awesome?

Yeah, but, to be honest,

I don't really believe in ghosts.

What? Why?

I just think that there's a
whole flaw in the ghost thing.

Okay, we're just animals, right?

So if we die

and we get to become ghosts,

how come no other animals get ghosts?


That's a good point.

Yeah, like, you never hear about

some couple staying in
an old hotel in Australia

getting haunted by koala bear ghosts.

And loving it, because it'd be adorable.

So you want to, like, head
out, check out the town?

Yeah, let's go wander around,

and later on,

I think we definitely need
to do a little honky-tonk.


- Wait. What is honky-tonk?
- I'm not sure.

I know "honky" is, like, a
semi-racist term for white people.

- Mm-hmm.
- But I don't know what "tonk" is.

I'm gonna look up "tonk."


"Tonk" means...

"to defeat heavily,

to hit hard, to trounce."

So wait.

Honky-tonk means white
people hitting it hard?

As a minority,

I'll admit I'm a little bit
nervous about a situation

where a large group of white
people are hitting it hard,

but I'll take my chances.

All right, honky, let's go tonk.


[upbeat country music]

♪ ♪


Hey. Whoo.

Think I can pull this off?

Ooh, definitely.

So I was looking for a
jacket that really conveyed

how much I love the state of Montana.

Does this do the trick?

Yeah, I think it does.


Um, so this guy Manuel,

he designs a lot of jackets for musicians,

and he made stuff for
Elvis and Johnny Cash.

They're so cool.

You know that Johnny
Cash was my first album?

What? Come on.

That's way too cool of a first album.

Is it really? What was yours?

The soundtrack to
Beauty and the Beast.

Oh, that's so cute.

And what was after that?

Um, Vanilla Ice, To the Extreme.

Oh, no, what happened?

Hey, the Ice man was a phenomenon.

What was your second album?

Oh, let me guess.

The Pixies, Cure, Joy Division?

Actually, it was Pavement.

All right, stop.

Collaborate and listen.

Busted. Closet Ice fan.


Can you guys bond somewhere else?

I'm really alone right now.

Grumpy McGrumperson over there.


The name is not Grumpy McGrumperson.

It's Steve.

Ooh, I'm hungry.

Should we get something to eat?

Yeah, sure.

What about that place across the street?

Yeah, should I look it up on
Yelp, see if it's any good?

Well, I mean,

a large man is walking in there right now,

and he seems super excited.

Yeah, I guess that kind of is
like old-school Yelp, right,

following around really excited fat people?

Plus-sized people.

[both] Full-bodied people.

Ooh, do you see this?

Tickler's drummies:

"We take the finest chicken we can find

and isolate the drumsticks

and cover them in Tickler's
signature white barbecue sauce."

Uh, 12 drummies, please.

You want to split a pit master combo,

drummies and ribs?

Oh, no, I can't do that.

Why not?

I'm kind of a vegetarian.


Are you serious?


I mean, I eat fish.

But I don't eat octopus.

Why no octopus?

Octopus are some of the
smartest animals in the world.

They can solve complex problems.

They have distinct personalities
and opinions, and...

Wait, hold on.

Octopuses don't have opinions.

That can't be true.

There's not, like, an octopus that believes

in mandatory minimum sentences

and then another octopus that feels like

rehabilitation is key.

I mean, if there were jails in the ocean

and that was a political policy
introduced into their ecosystem,

yeah, they might have an opinion about it.



so is there enough stuff
here for you to eat?

Yeah, I'll figure something out.

I'll just order off the sides menu.

I love sides.


Man, that's a pretty big
bombshell to drop, Rachel.

Eating is a big part of dating,

and if you got this strict diet,

we're gonna run into
problems going splitsies.

Even now,

I got to pick between
the ribs and the chicken.

I want to try them both, but I can't.

That's hard.

Not saying we're getting
married or anything,

but theoretically,

it would be an entire life
of never going splitsies

on any dish with beef,
chicken, pork, or octopus.

Wow. Sounds like a real struggle.

All right. Here we go.

One order of ribs,

and for the lady...

Y'all enjoy.


Oh, I thought I'd be able to
order more off the sides menu.

I didn't anticipate they'd cook
literally everything in pork fat.

Yeah. Is that gonna be enough food?

- Oh, it's gonna be fine.
- All right.

All right, last but not least,

Tickler's famous drummies

and our special white barbecue sauce.


Tickler's famous drummies... But how?

You seemed bummed.

I ordered you some so you could try it.

We'll just give the leftovers
to a homeless person.

God damn it. You are amazing.


How is it?

So good.

The white barbecue sauce...



That's good, too!

They're both really good.

I hope there's a homeless person nearby

so we can give them the leftovers.

Actually, let's hope that Nashville
does such a good job fighting poverty

that we can't find a homeless person

and we have to throw the
leftovers in the trash.

Cool fantasy.

Oh, man, I'm so full.

Well, we could continue
exploring this beautiful city

we flew all the way out here to visit,

or we could go take a nap.

I vote nap.

Me, too. Let's go.

Hey, so I Googled the hotel earlier,

and it turns out that there's
another ghost among us.

What? Who?

Baby Justin.

Baby Justin? Who's that?

He's Alfred's kid.

Apparently, they both died in a fire,

and he's always looking for his daddy.

That's terrifying.

I know.

- Baby Justin.
- No. Don't do that, seriously.

[both laugh]

All right, well, let's nap.

- Okay.
- I'm gonna sleep coffin-style.





Have you seen my dad?

[screams] Oh, my God!

Baby Justin!

- [laughing]
- Get out of here.

Don't do that.

Um, should we get up?

Oh, all right.


It's already dark.


Oh, my God!

- Did you write this?
- _


What's happening?

Oh, my.

That might be Baby Justin.

I didn't... I didn't write anything.

No, I wrote it.

Hey, you're not really mad, are you?

Oh, my God.

Oh, God, she's gone,
I tell you. She's gone!

Oh, God.

I got to call security.

Security, it's Baby Justin.

He's taken another soul!

[Rachel imitates baby crying]

All right, don't do that.
That's fucking scary.

Don't make that noise.

Don't... I don't think that's funny at all.

[romantic music]

♪ ♪

So you pretty much
always lived in New York?

Yeah, I finished school at Penn.

Then I moved to New York,

and I've been there for about six years.

What about you?

Yeah, I went to school in New York,

and I've pretty much been there
for the past, like, 15 years.

Seems kind of dumb, though.

Like, why don't I move
somewhere nice and tropical?

I got a friend. He was
vacationing in Hawaii.

Then he just stayed there.

And now he, like, runs a
scuba shop, and he lives there.

Why don't more people do stuff like that?

I think that people just get scared.

My sister used to always talk
about living in Paris for a year,

and it sounded so awesome.

Then suddenly,

she's married, and she has a kid,

and it's like, "Oh, well,
guess that plan's dead."

Yeah, I feel like once you get to our age,

that window to do big moves
like that starts to close.

And it doesn't even close slowly.

You just look up, and it's closed.

At some point, I would
love to do something crazy,

like quit my job,

change my hair, move to Tokyo,

but I'll probably just pull a Jennifer

and wake up with a kid in my lap

and be like, "Shit, forgot to do it."


Why Tokyo?

I've always wanted to go.

And I was really into
Japanese culture and stuff

when I was in high school.

Well, you could always pull
the Eat, Pray, Love move.

You know, the window opens
back up again when you turn 50

and you realize you fucked up your life.

So you can just travel then.

Very depressing.


[man] Hey, y'all.

We're Fletcher and the Fixins.

Let's honky-tonk.


[honky-tonk music]

♪ ♪

Okay, looks like we do this.

I think we're honky-tonkin'.

You ready for this?





There's definitely white people here,

but I don't know if they're
hitting it that hard.

Should we hit it hard?

Uh, yeah.

We're definitely hitting it hard.

We're hitting it so hard.

To Nashville.


Okay, if you had a pet potbellied pig,

what would you name him?



Really? That was fast.

It's something I've thought about before.


Hey, thank you for taking me on this trip.

Thanks for coming along.

All right, good news.

No condom issues this time.


Um, I'm pretty beat.

You want to just go to bed?

- Yeah, sure.
- All right.

Good night, Alfred.

Good night, Baby Justin.

Good night, Ghost Koala.

[in Australian accent] Good night, Rachel.

Did you say that?

[normal voice] No.

Ask him where he's from.

Ghost Koala, where are you from?

[in Australian accent] I'm from Sydney.

I'm here in Nashville on holiday.

How are you liking it?

It's nice.

I wish they had some eucalyptus
at all these barbecue restaurants.

Ghost Koala, are you a vegetarian, too?


But I love octopus.


This is our car.

Hey, before we go to the airport, you
mind if we swing by Tickler's Barbecue

so I can grab some of that
white barbecue sauce to go?

I don't know.

It's kind of on the other side of town, no?

Yeah, but I looked up the traffic on
Waze, and it'll take us 12 minutes.

- We got plenty of time.
- Are you sure?

I really hate rushing to the airport,
and I don't want to miss our flight.

Yeah, we'll be fine.

I'm sorry. The flight is closed.

We can't let anyone on board.

[groans] I just don't understand.

I mean, the door's right there.

Can't you just open it and let us in?

We can't.

So if Barack Obama was here and
he wanted to get on the plane,

there's no way you could let him on?

Sir, President Barack
Obama has his own plane.

It's called Air Force One.

All right, well, it's obviously
broken in this hypothetical scenario.

What's the next flight that we can get on?

The next flight to LaGuardia
leaves in five hours.

- No.
- At 7:25 p.m.

You'd land in New York at 10:55.

I guess we'll take that flight,

and I'll cover all the changes and stuff.

I'm really sorry.

Waze said 12 minutes.

It accounts for traffic.
I don't know what happened.



Your niece's recital
thing was tonight, right?



I'm really sorry.

[lively country music]

♪ ♪

Man, I wish I knew about Tickler's-To-Go.

♪ ♪

They weren't able to seat us together,

but I gave you the window.


[sauntering country music]

♪ ♪

Excuse me, sir.

This is Rachel Tickler, heiress
to the Tickler's Barbecue empire.

I'm her CFO. We have a
very big meeting tomorrow.

Is there any way I could
switch seats with you

so we could talk barbecue business?

It would mean the world to me.

What's happening?

Um, I just wanted to switch
seats to talk to my friend.

I'm sitting in that aisle seat over there.


Thank you.

- Hey.
- Hey.


I still feel very terrible
about what's happened,

and I wanted to get you
a gift to say I'm sorry.

And it was a little hard
'cause we were in an airport,

but I think I found something that really

takes this whirlwind of emotions
that I'm feeling right now

and puts it into a physical object.

I hope you like it.

"Nashville rocks."

It does rock.

It does.

And you rock.

And I don't rock for what I did earlier.

But, um...

I hope you see this shirt and
remember that Nashville rocks

and you'll remember the times
we had together that did rock

and forget about the brief
amount of non-rocking time we had.


It is a XXL, which I'm
pretty sure is not your size,

but it is 100% cotton.

Thank you.

I love it.

And I will cherish it forever,

and I really cannot wait

to use this as a rag to clean shit up with.

That means a lot.

You rock.

Thank you so much.

I had a really wonderful time.

Yeah, I did too.

This may sound crazy

'cause I know we've
been hanging out nonstop

for the past 24 hours,

plus those seven bonus angry hours,

but are you hungry?

You want to get some food?

Yeah, I could go get some food.

But I'm really picky about my condiments.


You don't happen to
have three large bottles

of Tickler's white barbecue sauce, do you?

I did,

but I drank all three bottles on the plane

when you went to the bathroom.

Oh, that's too bad.

Well, it was really nice seeing you.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Wait, I have some!

I'm coming. I'm coming.
I'm coming. I'm coming.


So should we follow around
some full-bodied people,

find a good place to eat?


[slow country music]

♪ ♪