Master of None (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Other Man - full transcript

Dev has the chance to hook up with a woman he meets at a party, but the opportunity comes with a few complications.

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---
The infected! They're closing in!

Just kidding.

You're safe at craft services.

Colin Salmon.

Hi, Dev. I'm a huge fan.

Oh, good to see you're charging up
for the scene.

Watch the dairy, though.

It's not good for the voice.

Uh-oh. Well, this is my second one.

I'm excited for the scene today.

As am I.



But, of course,
today is also the anniversary

of the disappearance of my cat,
Shakespeare,

so there's a bit of a dark cloud
above us today.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. What happened?

Took him to the Swiss premiere
of Alien vs. Predator.

We were enjoying a picnic by Lake Geneva
when an owl came,

snatched Shakespeare with his talons.

They flew off.

We never saw each other again.

The memory of that gruesome silhouette

against an Alpine sunset

is something I will never forget.

All right, well, um...

it was great to meet you.



Um, I'm gonna eat
this cinnamon raisin bagel.

I'll see you out there.

Bye.

So, guys, in this scene,
you're gonna be swarmed

by a horde of the "sickened."

You'll be wearing mech suits
to defend yourself.

This is what they look like,
just in case you'd like to know.

Um, but honestly,
most of this is gonna be done in post.

It's kind of meaningless.

We really don't even need you here.

It's gonna be 99% CGI.

But having said that,
let's go to your marks.

Action!

They're coming! Battle stations.

There's too many of them.

We're not gonna make it out of here.

We're not. But you will.

Cut.

- That was great... I suppose.
- Cut. Ten minutes.

I mean,
we won't know until after they CGI it,

which could easily be a year.

Um, just so I have a better sense
of the scene,

how far away are the sickened
when they start approaching?

It doesn't matter.

Okay.

Um, should I maybe say a line

to motivate Colin's character
to leave the scene?

Maybe just something like,
"Get out of here, you bastard!

I'll hold them off! Tell my story!"

That's great.

That's great. I love that.

I love that!

Say whatever you want.

This movie's not really about words.

You've got a nice ear for dialogue.

You're not a writer, by any chance,
are you?

I've thought about screenwriting.

So, yeah, I guess I'm kind of a writer.

Well, I've got this idea for a movie,

and I need somebody
to bounce ideas off of.

You interested in coming by my trailer
to discuss it?

Yeah, that'd be cool.

Hey, why does your trailer
always smell like Cinnabons?

That's because I bake Cinnabons.

Really?

Yeah. I have this small oven.

It's fantastic.

Come by my trailer tomorrow after lunch.

And save some room for dessert.

Because of the aforementioned Cinnabons.

Okay.

Man, why'd you drag me to a work party?

'Cause you're my buddy. You're my friend.

I want you to meet my coworkers.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah, plus there's this girl here
I'm trying to get with,

and if I showed up by myself,
that'd seem kind of lame.

Uh-huh, I get that.

And I asked a bunch of other people
to come,

and they said no.

Great, thanks.

Ooh, champers. Yes, please.

Thank you.

So who is the lucky lady?

Ah, there she go.

That's Carla Meyers,
the new editor in chief.

Cute, right?

Which person?

- Over there, the redbone chick.
- I don't see anybody with red bones.

No, it just means she's light-skinned.

It's a thing we say
in the black community.

Oh, okay. So is Halle Berry a redbone?

No, she's caramel.

Look, here's the deal.

She's straight,
but lately I've been getting

some serious vibes from her.

Ooh, vibes that she wants
to become a lesbian?

No, vibes that she's curious
about an adventure with Denise.

It's not about changing
a woman's sexuality, Dev.

It's about one night in heaven.

Look, I provide a service.

What's the service?

I can make a woman come more times
in 20 minutes

than she has in the last six months.

Oh, that's a really good service.

All right, I'm in. I'm your wingman.

Oh, shit, here she comes.

Okay, just be cool.

- Denise!
- Hey, Carla!

- Hey!
- What's up?

- I'm feeling the suit.
- Thank you.

- I see you.
- Thank you so much.

Who is this?

I don't know this dude.

Come on, let's get a drink.

Um, excuse me.

Hey, Vineet, it's Nina.
So good to see you.

No, wrong Indian guy. I'm not Vineet.

No, I know, I'm trying to get
rid of this weirdo over there.

Just pretend you're talking to me
for a little bit.

Oh, okay.

Um, do I need to get in character
as Vineet,

or can I be myself?

No, you can... You can be yourself.

What if I want to be
a different Indian guy

named Darwish who sells tractors?

Okay, Darwish. How's the tractor business?

Not good.

So far, I've sold, mm, zero tractors.

- Oh, no.
- Yeah.

Apparently there's no farmland
in Manhattan.

It was... It was a bad place
to set up shop.

I'm Dev.

Hey, I'm Nina Stanton, the food critic.

What?

Is that job as ridiculously awesome
and easy as it sounds?

What's the best restaurant
you've been to recently?

- Dirty French.
- What was your favorite dish?

Uh, the chicken and crepes.

Write that shit down.
You just wrote a review.

Whoa.

So when you make a reservation
at a restaurant,

do you use an alias,
or do you use your real name?

Well, people know my face at this point,
but yeah,

whenever I make a res,
I have to use a fake name.

Yeah, see,
this is why I'd be a good critic.

I got so many aliases.

Um, Bartholomew Cubbins,

um, Yahweh Manchester,

uh, and my favorite: just Essence.

Ooh, see, you're a natural.

If I ever need an apprentice,
I'll hit you up.

Ooh, I'm down.

You want to work under me?

Whoa! Uh, that's pretty forward.

Yes, sure.

Mm.

Mmm.

This is cool. You're cool.

Has anyone ever told you
your makeout game's on fleek?

Hey, um, do you want some weed?

It's Purple Pineapple.

I always smoke it before I have sex.

Oh, shit! You're smoking it now!

This is so cool.

This is awesome.

I like all of this.

Nina, you are so cool.

I just like your whole vibe.

I don't even know...

This is, like, the coolest thing

that's ever happened to me.

Can we just take a moment
to acknowledge how cool this is?

What?

You have, like, a sick-ass apartment too?

This is crazy.

Am I in a lucid dream right now?

Am I, like, Vanilla Sky-ing myself
right now?

Um, I'm gonna have some wine.
Do you want some wine?

Yeah.

Pfft! Look at this view!

What, do you get, like, $1 million

per restaurant review?

Yeah, around that.

The uni with wasabi snow,
while conceptually ambitious,

was a disappointment.

$1 million. Boom!

Do you have a condom?

Uh, yeah, I do.

Hey, wha...

Um, who's that guy that's at the beach?

Oh, that's my brother.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wh-wh-why does it look like

you're getting married
to your brother in that photo?

Okay, I'm married.

- Aw, fuck! Come on!
- No.

I knew this was too good to be true.

Nina, no.

I can't do this.

No, it's fine. It's fine.

No, no...

I don't want your husband to murder me.

Or I can't be, like,
some home wrecker person.

No, no, no, you're not cheating.

I mean, my marriage is my business.

If I'm okay with this,

you don't have to worry about it.

I mean...

I kind of want to do this, but...

No, I can't. It's not a good idea.

Do you care about the environment?

My husband's company
is the number one polluter

of the Hudson River.

He is personally responsible for the death

of thousands of local ducks.

So if you care about our country's lakes
and rivers,

we should totally have sex right now.

Nina, you're very attractive.

And I feel horrible
about those ducks, but...

I think I should get the fuck out of here.

All right.

I'm putting my number in your phone.

And when you change your mind, text me.

Wow, you are so confident.

Ooh, this is cool. This is the clean room.

It's where we shot the scene
where the virus gets loose.

Okay.

Come on, Denise, get excited.
This is movie magic, boo.

Fine, it's amazing,
and I'm extremely jealous of you.

So what happened to you last night?

You left before I did.

Oh, yeah.

A powerful redbone named Carla

had a Denise experience last night.

What? What does that mean?

It means I went to town on the puss.

She came, like, eight times in 30 minutes.

Then she tried to do the same thing to me,

but she didn't know what she was doing,

so I only came, like, three times.

It was adorable.

Wait. She came eight times in 30 minutes?

Like, how is that even possible?

Look, I don't have time

to explain lesbian shit to you, okay?

We come more than anyone.

Now, what happened to you last night?

That food critic lady, Nina, took me home.

Wait. Nina? She's married.

Man, that's ratch.

No, no, no, I'm not ratch.
I didn't do anything.

I didn't know she was married.

I left as soon as I found out.

You know, that would've been fucked up.

Uh, yeah, it is.

Well, unless they have
one of those open marriages.

You know, like, a Will and Jada situation.

No, there's no arrangement
as far as I know.

But she did seem, like,
super chill about it, you know?

I mean, between us, like,
if it was purely a sexual thing,

would that be so fucked up to do?

Like, I'm not trying to start a family
with her or something.

Well, you didn't see any photos
of any cute white kids

sitting around, did you?

Um, yeah.

There was photos of Jonathan Taylor Thomas

in his prime all over the place.

No! No kids.

Well, if that's the case,

you're free to enter the puss.

Mm, that's still a pretty risky puss
to enter, though.

Like, I don't want to end up
like that dude in Unfaithful.

You know, the husband,

the Richard Gere of the situation,

starts getting suspicious.

He hires a photographer
to follow around his wife.

Next thing you know, he's looking

at a bunch of photos of me and her,
just like,

uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.

Then he's like, "All right, there he is.

That's the guy!"

Next thing you know,
he's beating me to death

with a snow globe,
rolling my body up in a rug,

and tossing me in a landfill.

Unfaithful's dope.

What, you've seen it?
I just told you the whole plot.

Why didn't you stop me?

I was feeling the recap.

Oh, thanks.

Here's the other thing: everyone cheats.

Look at that guy.

He's all old and beaten down.

He's definitely cheated on his wife.

Or had his wife cheat on him.

More likely the second scenario.

No way, you're totally wrong.

That's my buddy Benjamin.

He loves his wife. Hey, Benjamin!

This is my buddy Denise.
She's visiting the set.

Oh, hey.

Have you ever cheated on your wife?

Hey, take it easy, Denise.

No, that's all right.
It's a great question.

Definitely thought about it.

Everyone's thought about it.

Well...

there was this one time, all right?

It was this camera operator in Winnipeg.

Small crew, spent a lot of time together
with her on set.

Tension was definitely starting to build.

Then one night, it was just the two of us

at this shitty hotel bar.

And there was karaoke involved.

And I could tell she wanted me
to make a move.

Right at the brink of me making
that decision...

What happened?

I went into my room.

Jerked off. Fell asleep.

The twist.

That's what you got to do
in that scenario, right?

It's 100% success rate in terms of you

not wanting to have sex anymore
after you jerk off.

But what about all your cuddles

and your critically acclaimed dramas?

I thought you had a rock solid thing.

I mean, I love all that stuff, all right?

But I've been... I've been with my wife
for so long, you know?

What's the longest
you've ever been with anybody?

Two years.

I've been with my wife 23 years.

That's 20 more years, right?

We've had sex a lot.

Like, in the thousands.
Like, in the deep thousands.

And we've had every version of sex, right?

Time and time again,
different versions of sex.

We've covered it all.

We have no more ideas left.

There you go.

Why are you asking me
all this stuff anyway?

Some married lady
wants to have sex with Dev.

With Dev?

That's great.

You gonna do it?

I don't know.

Wouldn't you be upset if your wife

cheated on you with some dude?

I guess I'd be depressed a little bit,
yeah, you know.

But what if you didn't know about it

and she didn't have
any emotional attachment to the guy?

Or girl, I mean,
if this was a Denise experience situation.

So you're basically like a human dildo.

It's not ideal,
but if I didn't know about it,

it wouldn't kill me.

Exactly.

So it's like she went to the store
to buy a dildo,

but in the package, it was my penis,

and it was attached to my body.

I'm just a human dildo.

Come.

Ah, Dev!

Good to see you.

Welcome to Shakespeare's trailer.

Man, that must have been some cat.

I'll run you through the elevator pitch
for the movie.

Okay.

So what is the one thing everyone has?

I don't know.

A car.

So I do a movie where I am a car.

So it's like Knight Rider
and you're doing the voice?

Nope! I am the car.

Batman has a Batmobile.
Thor has a Thor-mobile.

I don't think he does.

But in this movie, I don't have a car.

I am the car.

How do you get the power
to turn into a car?

That's where you come in, writer.

What do you think?

Maybe you're sitting in your car

and you get struck by lightning?

That's good.

That's very good.

Just a thought.

That might be the single greatest idea
I've ever heard.

It is?

Until now.

Because, Dev, I'm inspired by you,

and I am feeding off your energy.

And I think I've come up with a title
for the film:

CarPerson.

No, wait. Wait.

CarHuman.

Why not just CarMan?

"Colin Salmon is CarMan."

Dev, you've done it again! It's brilliant.

And we should celebrate with a Cinnabon,

and I won't take no for an answer.

Okay, I'll have one.

Great!

We just have to wait
for the glaze to thaw.

Takes a few hours.

Should be ready by nightfall.

Do you have any specials?

Yeah, the King Kong Banana Split.

We take ice cream, bananas, and pineapple,

and we add sesame caramel and Luxardo.

It's amazing.

Whoa, I'll take it.

Okay.

Clark, right.

Hey, hold on one second, Greg.

Uh, give me whatever this
pudge-ball's having. That looks good.

Yeah, I'll have one of those too.

I'm sorry, that was the last one.

What? But I was next in line.

Hey, excuse me.

I was actually next in line.
You cut in front of me.

That's the last King Kong Banana Split.

I kind of feel like
you got to give that to me.

I don't know.

This guy's fucking talking to me.

It's him.

Hold on a second.

What the hell are you talking about?

I was next in line. You cut in front.

Look, kid,
there's plenty of ice cream here.

I don't have time for this shit.

Oh, that is disgusting.

Just get him to sign the fucking thing,
Greg!

So, uh, I hooked up with Nina.

Oh, nah, you should not have done that.

What?
You were the one that told me to do it.

You said it wasn't a big deal.

Yeah, but that was
more of an abstract discussion.

How was it abstract?

It's a real person in my real life.

If you get caught,
you could ruin these people's lives.

I'm just saying, be careful, man.

Be careful?

Aren't you the one making your boss come

a thousand times every 15 minutes?

Yeah, but what we have is real, okay?

Do not be fucking with our dynamics,
all right?

The point is,
you are messing with a serious bond

in this woman's life.

It's like, it's not to be taken lightly.

Why didn't you say this shit last time?

I didn't think you'd actually
go through with it.

Why not?

Because you're a man of principles.

That's something I've always respected
about you, Dev.

Well, that's nice.

Yeah, but I don't think that shit anymore,

not after this.

Well, whatever, all right?
It was a one-time thing.

It's not a big deal.

Her husband's not gonna murder me.

It's Colin Salmon. He's FaceTiming me.

I guess I got to take it.
It might be about CarMan.

What the fuck is CarMan?
That sounds stupid.

Hello?

Hello? Dev?

It's Colin Salmon.

I need you to get over
to the apartment right away.

I've got something really urgent.

So if you can get over
as quickly as you can?

Oh, okay, is this about CarMan?

No, it's much more important than that.

All right, well, um... Uh, yeah,
just text me your address.

I'll be right over.

See you soon.

What the fuck? Seems intense.

All right, you got these, right?

- I'll be right back.
- What?

Well, actually, I'm not gonna come back.

I'm just gonna leave.
But you got these, right?

What the fuck? I guess.

I'll hit you back at some point.

You keep saying that.

Colin?

Hey, Colin?

Just let me finish this sonnet.

Dev, welcome.

Wow, this is an amazing apartment.

Yes, it is.

You're just in time.

I've got something very special
to show you.

Holy shit!

Did you make this?

This is my passion project.

Not many people realize,

but I'm an amateur toppler.

Would you like to initiate
the domino effect?

- Me?
- Mm.

I mean, don't you want to knock them down?

It must have taken you hours
to set this up.

Weeks, actually.

But for me,
the joy comes from setting it all up.

Here.

Take the pushing wand
and begin the sequence.

That was for Shakespeare.

That was incredible.

Yes.

Well, thanks for coming over.

I'll see you on set.

Good night.

You know what I was thinking about
the other day?

There's a lot of entertainers
on the subway, right?

But where's the magicians?

I feel like that guy could make a killing,
you know.

Like, next stop, 42nd street.

And then he's like,
"Nope, we're in Brooklyn."

That's really interesting.

Sorry, do you mind if I take this?

It's my friend Steve.

Oh, sure, yeah. Go ahead.

Hey there.

Hey.

It's Nina, remember?

We had sex pretty recently.

I was amazing, and you were okay.

Hey, can you hush?

We're in, like, a public place.

I'm here with somebody.

Oh, is she married too?

- Is this your thing now?
- No!

Shut up!

Is this a hot date?

Yeah, maybe.

Come on, this is... This is not a date.

Why would you say that?

Did you see what she was wearing?

A hooded sweatshirt and New Balances?

She just decided to keep it cas'.

That is not what girls wear

when they want to have sex with a guy.

That's what they wear when they stay home
and eat cookie dough.

Where'd you meet her?

I met her
on a very exclusive dating website.

You have to have
at least one shared interest

before you get matched up.

We both like movies.

Okay, well, that explains it.

Clearly, she's one of these girls

who dates guys online for free food.

Damn, she did order two entrees.

Mark's flying out to LA tonight,

so text me later.

Everything okay with Steve?

Oh, yeah, he just had to tell me
this super funny story.

Should we talk about movies?

Um, wow, it's a really nice night.

Do you want to go grab a drink, maybe?

Eh, I'm kind of tired.

I should probably put the sea bass
in the fridge too.

Yeah.

Not to mention the short rib.

And the chicken and crepes.

I had a great time tonight.

We should get dinner again next week.

There's this amazing sushi place
that I want to try.

Oh, all right, cool. That sounds good.

Um, all right, well,
it was fun hanging out.

Yeah.

All right, bye.

Bye.

Fuck it.

Oh, shit.

- Oh, shit, it's Mark. Hide.
- What?

- He's gonna hurt me.
- Fuck, hide now.

Behind the telescope?

Shit!

Just get in the closet
and don't make a goddamn sound.

Fuck.

Hey.

Hey, babe.

What are you doing home?

Well, turns out my flight's
not till tomorrow.

Greg the moron screwed up my itinerary.

No!

No, you fucking don't!

- Nina, who is this?
- Calm down.

Mark, just calm down.

- Who the fuck is this?
- I'm a contractor.

I'm just here to fix the closet.

I was just thinking about subletting
the apartment.

He's a guy I was sleeping with, okay?

I slept with this guy.

You're cheating on me
with a little Indian guy?

You didn't have to bring up
my ethnicity or my size.

Wait a minute. I know you.

Wait. How do I know you?

You cut in line in front of me
at the ice cream store.

You remember that?

What?

So you fucked my wife?

It was the last King Kong Banana Split!

You didn't even eat it!
You threw it in the trash!

What is this ice cream thing?

How the fuck can you do this to me?

Oh, give me a fucking break, Mark.

Like you weren't gonna bang some intern
as soon as you landed.

You know what? I can't do this.

I'm gonna leave, and this time,
I'm leaving for good.

Why are you still here?

You just said you were leaving.

I thought it might be awkward if we were

in the elevator together.

Would you like to go first?
Should I go first?

Get the fuck out of my house!

Okay, I'll go first! I'm sorry, bye!

Forgot my pants.

_

Personally,
I think dryers are full of shit, man.

Like, the whole no-wrinkle setting?

Please, come on. Explain it to me.

How is the heat different?

Dude,
everybody knows the no-wrinkle setting

isn't a real thing.

You just get your shit out of there
as soon as it's done.

Hurry up and fold it as soon as you can.

Otherwise, the clothes get used to being

in the wrinkled position.

Yeah, but...

Oh, shit.

What are you doing?

That's Mark.

That's the dude whose wife I slept with.

Oh, I forgot
you slept with that married woman.

That was hilarious.

Dude, shut up!

Did you really do that
or just lie about it to impress me?

Dev, is that you?

Hey, man, I don't want any trouble.

- I'm getting...
- Hey, look, we're cool.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

Hey, sweetie.

The Gellars said they're good
for dinner tonight.

Hey.

Hey.

I... God, I don't know what to say.

I... I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have been involved with...

Actually, that whole thing
brought to light

some deeper problems in our marriage

that we never would've addressed
had it not been for you.

Yeah, I reevaluated my whole life.

I took a lower position at my firm.

We just went to Jamaica together.

It was amazing.

I have more time at home
for myself now too.

Did you know I have an interest
in woodworking?

I didn't know that.

Now I have a fulfilling hobby.

I made Nina a table last week.

Felt so good.

It's a fantastic table.

Wow. Okay.

So you're not gonna beat me up
or anything?

No, no, man.

Look, I mean, what you did was ugly.

And we were being ugly to each other

by cheating on each other.

Yeah.

And I'm not saying cheating's good
by any means,

but a marriage... is a beautiful thing

that you make together.

And it has many parts,
one of which is monogamy.

But the way we look at it, you don't just

blow up the whole thing
'cause one part is broken.

You try to fix that part.

Like, if I had messed up one of the legs
on the table I made for Nina,

I wouldn't throw out the whole table.

I'd fix the leg.

Right, honey?

Yeah. Look, it's not perfect.

But... it's real. It's life.

Very real.

Yeah.

Wow, well, I'm glad this didn't end

with you murdering me
like in those Richard Gere movies.

He's not gonna beat you to death
with a snow globe

and then wrap your body up in a rug

and dump you in a landfill.

- Unfaithful, Unfaithful.
- Yeah!

It's a great movie.

Oh, Gere at his best.

Good movie.

Oh, and hey, I'm sorry I cut in line

at the ice cream place.

I was coked out of my mind.

But I'm sober now.

That's great.

Good.

- Well, um, all right.
- All right.

- Anyway... bye.
- Nice meeting y'all.

I'll see you at work.

What just happened?