Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 6, Episode 13 - The Happy Homemaker Takes Lou Home - full transcript

Sue Ann is at the stage of her dating life where she feels desperate to be with the man she really wants: Lou. She goes to desperate measures to get Mary to help her on this quest. Mary in turn goes to desperate measures to trick Lou into going on dinner date with Sue Ann at her place. Lou falls for the trick. He is dreading the date, to which he openly agreed in front of Sue Ann. He knows what she wants and he doesn't want to give it to her. Will either Lou or Sue Ann end up happy at the of the evening? Meanwhile, Mary is dismayed to learn that Prince Charles, who the state department all but promised would agree to be the guest on Mary's produced talk show "Talk of the Town", will not be appearing. She is even more dismayed at the royalty who she books as his replacement.

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♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

Murray, I have the most incredible
news. Oh, yeah? What is it?

I just can't wait to tell
you. So tell me, tell me.



You're not gonna believe this.
At this rate, I'm not gonna hear it.

You know how hard it
is for us to come up with

new guests each week
for Talk of the Town.

- Yeah.
- Okay. I have a friend
at the State Department...

who handles visits to this
country by important people,

and, Murray, guess who
we're getting for the show.

- Who?
- Murray, you're not
gonna believe it.

- Mary!
- All right, all right.

- Prince Charles of England.
- Really?

Yeah, yeah. I mean, my
friend is sure... pretty sure.

- Murray, think of what this
can do for our ratings.
- Yeah.

Wow. Ted interviewing
Prince Charles. Huh.

What a great
bicentennial gimmick...

Starting another
war with England.



- Guys.
- Ah, Ted, I have the most
incredible news.

Really? What is
it? I just can't wait...

Ted, you're interviewing
Prince Charles.

Forgive me, Mary,
but life is so short.

Prince Charles?
Of England? Yeah.

Heir to the throne. The
crown prince. Son of the queen.

Son of a gun.

You and I are gonna have to do a lot of
work together preparing for the interview.

Hey, Murray,
imagine bein' a prince?

Boy, he's got it made. He can
have all the chicks he wants.

He can just walk
into a bar and say,

"Hey, I'm a prince."

Okay, Ted, I will prepare a list of
questions, and you will stick to that list.

What's the matter? Don't you
think I know how to talk to a prince?

That's right, Ted. That's exactly
what I think. Well, you're wrong.

I can think of lots of
questions, lots of 'em.

"What was your favorite parade?"

"Do you wear your
sword in the subway?"

"What advice would
you give to kids who want

to get started in the
business?" Lots of 'em.

Hi, journalists. Hey, hey.

Sue Ann, guess what. I may be
having Prince Charles on my show.

Oh, Mary! Oh, you and he
would make a wonderful pair...

if only you weren't so old,
American and common.

Hi, Lou. Don't get up.

Don't worry. [Door Closes]

Oh, Lou, you're so
transparent... [Laughs]

pretending to be gruff.

You're just like chicken
Kiev... a crusty shell...

but all soft and
runny on the inside.

Sue Ann, don't compare me to food.
I don't like being compared to food.

"Shall I compare thee
to a summer's day?

"Thou art more
lovely and temperate.

Rough winds do shake the
darling buds of May, and"...

Uh, hey, wait. I liked it better
when I was soft and runny.

Oh, Lou.

Sweet, adorable,
bashful, shy Lou. Yeah.

Don't try to hide it any longer.

Don't try to hide what?

Your true feelings
toward me. Oh.

I know how much you're attracted
to me, and you know how I know?

Hmm? Because you go
to such lengths to hide it.

Sue Ann,

I am not attracted to you.

See? That's why you're
always avoiding me...

Because you know,
if you get too close,

you're afraid the little pilot light
of desire that flickers within you...

might turn your whole oven on.

Sue Ann, for God's sake...

That's why at the station
picnic last summer,

you wouldn't even be my
partner in the sack race.

You were so afraid of
having your passion aroused.

That had nothing to do with it.

I just didn't want to
get in the sack with you.

Well, since you're obviously
too shy to ask me out, Lou,

I'm gonna ask you.

Huh?

Why don't you come to my
place for supper Friday night?

[Exhales] Sue Ann, come on. I
can't... Oh, now before you answer,

remember, the more you protest
that you don't want to come,

the more it'll be clear
to me that you really do.

The more you say no,
the more it means yes.

Let me get this straight.

If I say no, it means yes.

That's right. And
if you say yes,

it means yes.

So what's your answer, Lou?

Perhaps.

[Doorbell Rings]

Who is it? Sue Ann.

Hello, dear. I hope I'm not
disturbing you. I was in bed.

Oh, good. Then you're alone.

- Sue Ann,
it's 2:00 in the morning.
- I know. I was out on a date.

- What are you doing here?
- I want to show you something.

Jesse, come in here. Hi.

Mary, this is Jesse.

- Jesse, this is
Mary Richards.
- Hello.

I don't understand.

I just wanted to show
you what I've been out with.

Sue Ann.

It's all right, Mary. He doesn't
like me any more than I like him.

Do you, Jesse? No.

Sue Ann, what
are you doing here?

I just want to show
you the lengths...

to which I am forced to go
for simple male companionship.

I want you to see how
dull my social life is.

Uh, close the door and sit down,
dear. Make yourself comfortable.

Would you get him a glass of water,
Mary... something to keep him busy?

Sue Ann, I still
don't understand.

I know, dear. You don't understand
why I'd go out with a man as dull as Jesse.

No, that's not what
I was gonna say.

Well, it's a good question.
I'll answer it anyway.

Uh, we met on a
double date. Um...

He was with a very interesting girl,
and I was with a very interesting man.

And after we ordered our dinner,

his date and my date
left to wash their hands,

and we haven't seen them since.

Sue Ann, I'm very sleepy.

Jesse has that effect on people.

You know what he does
for a living? [Faucet Running]

You know those little celluloid things
that... that go on the ends of shoelaces?

He makes those. There's
not even a name for them.

He doesn't even
know what to call 'em.

When I asked him what he did for a living,
he had to take his shoe off to show me.

Watch. Jesse, what
do you do for a living?

Oh, no, that's all... all right.

Thank you, but
it's not... Thanks.

You know, she's always making
fun of what I do for a living,

but those little things on the end of
the shoelaces are very, very important.

I mean, if you didn't have 'em,

it would be murder tryin' to get
the shoelaces into those little holes.

Very true. Sue Ann, I don't want
to appear to be a poor hostess,

but what has all this
got to do with me?

Mary, dear, you can
help me escape this.

Now Jesse's typical of the
kind of men I go out with.

Well, maybe not typical.

He's one of the better ones.

Good water.

Sue Ann, what can I do?

Help me get a date with Lou.

I would like just one
shot with him, Mary.

And I really think, if
we could go out once,

he might really
learn to like me.

Sure. Just because I don't
like you don't mean he won't.

Thank you, Jesse. Just one
shot, Mary. That's all I'm asking.

Don't you think I deserve that?

Don't you think even I deserve
one lousy chance to be happy?

Oh, Sue Ann.

Please, Mary. Please.

Well, I don't know what you think
I can do, but, if I can help, I'll try.

Promise? Yes, I promise.

Oh, Mary, you...

You dear, dear,
sweet, wonderful friend.

And now, dear, you really should
get some sleep. You look dreadful.

Come on, Jesse.

Thank you, dear.

It was very nice
meeting you. A pleasure.

Look. If you'd like, I can drop
her off and come back later.

I don't think so. No.

[Phone Rings]

Newsroom. Oh, yeah,
she is. Just a second.

Mary, I think it's your friend from the
State Department about Prince Charles.

Keep your fingers crossed. Hi.
I've been waiting for your call all day.

I've been so
excited. I've... What?

Yeah, but I mean, you...

When?

And... And she...
W-Well, did you...

Uh-huh. I see.

Well, yeah. No, sure.
I... I understand. But li...

Uh-huh. Well, no. No,
it's... it's not your fault.

B-But listen, may... I was just...
Maybe if you... Do you think...

Uh-huh. Well, no, I was... I was just
thinking, you know, that if he... if he...

Right. Ok-Okay. Okay. And-And...

thanks for calling.

Good-bye.

We're not getting Prince
Charles for the show.

He is not coming
over here "at this time."

Ah.

Murray, what are we gonna
do about a replacement?

Hey, look. Uh, how about
my human interest file?

You know, all the
off-beat characters we've

covered in the past
year. Maybe we'll fi...

Hey, what about that?

"R.D. Thallicker
of Saint Paul...

"who attempted to enter the
Guinness Book of World Records by...

growing the longest
toenail in the world."

Murray, you're suggesting replacing
the crown prince of England...

with a 14-inch toenail?

Gah!

Oh, what about this one, Mar?

"The Amazing Garavelli...

The man who can stop a
cannonball with his stomach."

I don't think so, Murr.

Yeah. Big deal.

I'm sure Ted could do the
same thing with his head.

What else have you
got? Uh, let's see. Uh...

Oh. Oh, now this
is a possibility.

Yeah? It's the
king of the Gypsies.

He's not the national king. He's just
the local one, but he's very colorful.

Yeah, okay. At this
point, I'll take anything.

All right. Looks interesting.
Let's see if we can book him.

Terrific.

Only, Murr, why couldn't it
have been bonny Prince Charlie?

Oh. I'm sorry, Mar.

I know how
disappointed you must be.

Well, it's just that they
practically promised me the prince.

I mean, people shouldn't
make promises they can't keep.

How true, dear.

Oh, Sue Ann, listen.

Um, I was... You know
what you have to do, Mary.

Yeah, so did Benedict Arnold.

[Whimpers, Murmurs]

Mr. Grant. [Lou] Yeah?

Could I see you for a minute?

What is it, Mary?
[Clears Throat] Well,

I was wondering if you,
uh, would do me a favor.

Depends. Well, you
see, I have this... friend,

and, well, she has sort of a...

crush on you.

Hmm. [Chuckling]

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

I mean, she really
thinks you're something.

- Well, don't act
so surprised, Mary.
- Oh, well, no. I didn't mean...

I have had my occasional
triumphs with the ladies.

I may not be a swinger,
but I'm not a hermit either.

Yeah. Right. Well, anyways...
So do give me a little credit, Mary.

Just because I don't flaunt it doesn't
mean I don't have it. Yeah. Right. Okay.

So anyway, this
friend wondered...

if, uh, you're not doing anything,
you know, Saturday night...

[Chuckles] if you would
like to have dinner...

[Mouthing Words] Oh.

At her place.

Her place, huh? [Chuckles]

Well, Mary, as it happens, I'm
not doin' a thing Saturday night.

So you can tell your
friend, I'd be delighted.

It's a date.

O-kay.

Only, uh, why didn't your
friend speak for herself?

Oh, I don't know, Lou.
I guess I was too shy.

Hi. Aw, Murray, where have
you been? It's almost airtime.

Well, I'm sorry. The traffic was awful.
How are things here? How are things here?

Well, Mr. Grant is sulking up in the booth
because of his date with Sue Ann tonight.

He's furious with me. Ted hasn't shown up
yet. Neither has the king of the Gypsies.

Well, uh, I've got the king
of the Gypsies with me,

and, uh, he's not going
to improve your mood.

Mr. Kralic.

Uh, Mary, I'd like to present His Highness,
Lazlo Kralic, king of the Gypsies.

Call me Lazlo.

How do you do, Lazlo? It's a
pleasure to have you with us.

Call me Kralic.

Uh, Pete, uh, you wanna get
some hot coffee down here?

Not for me, thank you.
It keeps me awake.

Uh, well, I... I've got to get
up to the booth. Murray. Don't.

Where are you going? What
about Ted? Well, I don't know.

Maybe you should run over the
questions in case you have to fill in.

- Uh, good luck, Kralic.
- Call me Lazlo.

[Clears Throat]

What was your name again? Mary.

Lovely name.

I think it was my mother's.

Got anything to drink?

Uh, why...

Why don't... why don't
we just, um, sit down here?

Now, Lazlo, let me ask
you a couple of questions.

Call me Lazlo. Right.

Um, how many Gypsies
are you the king of?

How many you got?

Well, you see, uh, Lazlo,
in order to do an interview...

Call me Mary. Ah, gee.

In order to do an interview...
[Ted Clears Throat]

Mary, I'll take over. Oh, Ted.

Your Highness, it's a
pleasure to meet you.

Likewise.

You play the accordion?

Why don't you just sit here for a
moment? Then we'll be right back to you.

Mary, see you for a
second? Yeah, sure.

Don't make any suspicious moves.
Just get to a phone and call the police.

The police? Why? What happened?

I don't think that man is
the crown prince of England.

Lou, it's after 7:00. You promised
Sue Ann you'd be there at 7:00.

Don't rush me.
There's plenty of time.

I don't know what
you're stallin' for, Lou.

After all, I know a little bit about
these matters, and I can tell ya,

you're gettin' one hot mama.

Listen. Why don't we all have
a drink? Lou, it's 10 after 7:00.

We could drink fast. No
talk, just pop, pop. pop.

Lou.

Yeah, you're right.

[Knocking] Come in.

Uh, Mr. Grant, could I talk
to you for just a few minutes?

Guy talk, Mary. [Murray]
No, we were just leaving.

[Clears Throat] Lou, let
me give you some advice.

Tonight, when you're
alone with Sue Ann,

kiss her on the eyes.

Makes 'em crazy.

Mr. Grant, I feel
really badly...

about having gotten
you involved in this.

Not bad enough.

Oh, come on, Mr. Grant.

Don't you think you're making
just a little too much of this?

- I mean, it's just
one lousy night.
- Right.

One very lousy night.

Come on. How bad can
it be? She's a terrific cook.

She also happens to
be a very warm person.

The word is "hot."

Look, I'll admit, the way
she got you to accept was a...

A cheap, deceitful,
underhanded trick.

But you fell for it.

Now come on.

Come on.

[Singsongy] It's time.

All right. All right.

You know, Mary, you
missed your calling.

You could've given pep talks to
kamikaze pilots. Thanks, Mr. Grant.

[Exhales]

You're a pleasure
to cook for, Lou.

You had seconds and
thirds on everything.

I was just tryin' to
make the meal last.

You know, I can't ever remember
staying at the table this long.

Well, I figure, if
someone goes to all that

trouble, the least
you can do is enjoy it.

There is nothing more rewarding
than giving pleasure to a man.

Right. Right.

So, you got any more
of those little toadstools?

Truffles. No, we
finished the truffles. Oh.

- We finished
all the food, Lou.
- Oh, really?

- Wh-What about the cake?
- All gone.

Mmm. Great cake.
Light, fluffy... Good.

Why don't we take our coffee...
What about bread? You got any bread?

No, Lou. Dinner is over.

Can I walk your dog?
I don't have a dog.

I'll go buy you one.

Lou, why don't we get a
little more comfortable?

I've waited a long time for this
evening, Lou, but it was worth waiting for.

Yep. Sure was. Great dinner.

What's that expression?

"A great meal is the prelude
to the symphony of love."

Huh.

Who said that? I did.

Look, Sue Ann. Don't
do that. Go ahead, Lou.

You're stronger than I
am. Press your advantage.

Come on, Sue Ann. Please.

Be gentle, Lou. That's
all I ask. Be gentle.

What is it, Lou? You wanna
be flattered? Coaxed, cajoled?

What does it take?
[Clears Throat]

Lord knows, I went for broke on
this date. What did I do wrong?

Well, it's... It's not... It's not,
uh... It's not... Is it me, Lou?

If it is, you might as well... You might
as well just tell me to my face. Is it me?

Yes.

That's exactly it. You're
absolutely right. It's you.

[Stammering]

Well, wh-what I mean is
that... That, uh, you're, uh...

You're much too...
good for this...

Uh, ch-chasing men,

throwing yourself at
them. [Clears Throat]

Uh, that's not you, Sue Ann. No.

You have much too much to offer.

I mean, any guy would be
darned lucky to catch you.

But you have to have enough
confidence to let him do the catching.

You're a terrific broad...
Uh, woman, that is.

"Broad's" okay.

Yeah, but you don't...

You don't give people
a chance to find that out.

The treasure shouldn't
do the hunting, Sue Ann.

You're a treasure.

You should act like it.

Okay?

I think maybe I'd better go.

Lou. Hmm?

That was a lovely rejection.

Isn't life funny?

I've been accepted by
lots of men and felt rotten.

You just rejected me, and...

I feel like a million dollars.

Thanks, Lou.

Listen, um, this was
a... A good evening.

Who knows? Maybe... [Claps Back]

Maybe we'll do it
again sometime.

When?

Yeah. Okay, thanks.
I'll be right there.

Say, uh, Mary... Sorry, Ted. There's
a problem in the camera department.

I'm looking for Mary Richards.

He's right over there.

Mary?

Well, uh, what... what can I
do for you, Your Highness?

When do I get money
for my TV guest shot?

Well, uh, Payroll takes care of
that. It'll be a week to 10 days.

Okay. G-Give me
some money on account.

I will not.

Mary,

you don't pay me, I put
Gypsy curse on your head.

A Gypsy curse?

May your tongue shrivel up,

your eyeballs fall
from their sockets,

your teeth rot, your
armpits catch fire...

and the soles of your
feet be covered with boils.

How much do you want
on account? Five dollars.

I'll take the curse.

[Mews]