Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 6, Episode 14 - One Boyfriend Too Many - full transcript

♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

Boy, talk about your good times.
What a great evening. [Chuckles]

What's next?



What's next? Uh,
how about coffee?

Swell.

Boy, I had a ball. Never been on a
double date before. Thanks for asking me.

We should have done
it much sooner, Ted. I'm

just sorry Georgette's
in bed with the flu.

To tell you the
truth, we were a little

surprised you decided
to come all by yourself.

Well, I couldn't bring
a date. I'm married!

No, I think what Mary
meant is we thought

you might prefer to stay
home with Georgette.

Well, I would, except she hates
me to see her when she's sick.

She thinks it makes her
look, you know, unattractive.

- Ahh, poor Georgette.
- She's right.

Anyway, I'm sure
glad you could make it.



I've watched him on the air for
years. It sure is fun getting to know Ted.

It's fun getting to
know you too, Joe.

And it's fun watching
you two have fun.

It's been a fun evening.

Listen, now that we're close
pals, can I ask you a question?

If it's a little personal, just blame it
on the fact that I'm high on friendship.

- What's the story
with you two?
- Ted!

Oh, relax, Mary. I'm not gonna
ask how far have you gone.

That's your business. Of
course, if Joe wants to tell me...

- Ted!
- Oh.

I mean, where do you
two stand emotionally?

Joe, you don't
have to answer that.

Why not? I want to.

I love her.

Well, I just meant you
didn't have to tell Ted.

Love's nothing to
be ashamed of, Mary.

It's beautiful and
noble, like friendship.

This the first time
you fell in love, Joe?

You know, I think it is. I remember
spending four years in college...

and desperately hunting for some
girl to give my fraternity pin too.

Too bad I didn't know you then.

Mary, if I had known you in college,
I would have flunked out for sure.

Hey, you're getting a wonderful
guy here, Mary. Hang on to him.

You've let a lot of men slip
through your fingers, Mary.

I know. I was one of them.

Ted, sit. [Laughs]

Oh, what a great evening!

Hey, uh, I... I can't stay.

Are you sure? He's sure.

You two are gonna have
to make your own fun.

Try to understand. I've gotta
get home to the little sicko.

I hope Georgette's feeling
better. Thanks, Mary.

Hey, Ted, this
has really been fun.

Hey, you don't have to
pretend you're leaving with me.

So it looks like we're both going home,
then doubling back when I get into my car.

I got a good idea what's
going on between you two.

- You're a guy, she's a chick...
- Ted, go home!

Okay, I'm going.

Aha!

I'm just kidding,
buddy. I'll see you.

So long, Ted.

[Phone Ringing]
[Teletypewriter Clattering]

Nobody can pick up
a phone around here?

Yeah? Who'd you say it is?

I don't know any Dan Whitfield.
What if you are downstairs?

Lou, you know him.

Yeah, how are you, Danny boy?

Yeah, glad to hear from
you. Are you coming up?

Great. To see Mary.
Oh, she'll love to see you.

Uh-huh. Yeah,
yeah. Okay. See ya.

Who is he?

How can you forget? He and
Mary went together for about a year.

They almost got married,
and then he went away.

Oh, yeah, he was a nice guy.

If he's such a nice guy, what's
he doing bird-dogging Joe's quail?

Hey, hey, wait a minute. I
remember. He was a very nice guy.

Maybe Mary's better
off with him than Joe.

Oh, I don't know. I didn't like
it when he left town on her.

He didn't. He took
another job someplace else.

All I know is he made Mary cry, and
I don't like guys who make Mary cry.

Oh? What about the
guy she's seeing now and

all the other girls he's
been going out with?

Oh, no, no. He only did that until
she caught him. Then he cut them off.

Now that's a gentleman,
Lou. I mean, no kidding.

The one who deserves
Mary is Joe. Hmm.

I'm not sure. Please, Lou?

Please what? Vote for Joe.

Okay.

Murray?

This guy made Mary
cry. I vote for Joe too.

Three nothing. Hi.

Oh, hiya, Dan. You
lose by a landslide.

What? [Lou] How are you, Dan?

Fine. Hello, Lou.
Where's... Where's Mary?

Not here. Not in yet.

She's dead.

Mr. Grant, I checked
with the film lab and...

Dan.

Dan! [Laughs]

My mother was right when
she told me about women.

"Son, I'm the only good one."

What are you doing here?
Are you visiting, or what?

Moving back. I just got in, and I wanted
to see you before I did anything else.

Well, gee. It's really
good to see you.

Look, let's get
together tomorrow night.

There's a formal dinner dance at
the university, and I'm supposed to go.

What do you say? Come protect me from
the undergraduates for old times' sake.

Okay, sure, for old
times' sake. Great.

I'll call you tonight.

[Mary] Okay.

So long.

Bye. So long, fellas.

Good-bye. So long, Dan.

Thank the good Lord my good
friend Joe didn't see you just now.

If you were my
woman, I'd whup ya!

Ted, now just... Uh-uh-uh-uh.

Nah, nah, don't mind, Ted. The thought that
someone can comment on my life like that.

Now, now, now...
Well, it is very upsetting.

What I do is my own business
and nobody else's. Mary, easy, hey.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, relax, relax.

Come on. Relax.

Okay, thanks.

It's okay. It's okay. I'm great
at calming women down.

Some men excite
'em. I just calm 'em.

You just have to understand,
Mary, that Ted likes Joe,

and he's not quite as
bright as some of us.

He just can't understand how you can
go around cheating on the man you love.

A truly fantastic dinner, Mary.

Great stew, marvelous salad
and a mouth-watering dessert.

Yep, you certainly are
a wonderful cook, Joe.

- Thank you.
- Where'd you pick it up anyway?

In the navy. It was either
that or disarming torpedoes.

Joe, let's not do that
now. I'll do it later.

Come here. I want to... There's
something I wanna discuss with you.

Okay, but before you
do, I got a little gift for you.

Oh, Joe, your fraternity pin.

Yep.

Why do I feel there should be
a glee club singing? [Laughs]

Thank you. It's really
nice. That's terrific.

Okay, you wanted
to tell me something.

Yeah, right. There is something
that I do wanna discuss with you.

Um... There is... I'm, uh...

[Chuckles] Boy, Joe, this
is one of the moments...

One of the many, many moments...

that I'm so glad you're you.

'Cause there are a lot of men who
would not understand what I'm gonna say.

And, boy... I know you.

And, well... This is gonna
be a real kidney punch, isn't it?

No, no, not at all.
No. Here's the thing.

There's a friend of
mine... An old friend.

He's in... [Clears Throat]
town for a little while.

And I'm... going to be
seeing him tomorrow night.

Seeing him? You mean
going out with him?

Yes.

[Clears Throat]
Well, that's fine.

I mean, we don't have any
plans for tomorrow night.

Well, no. I just thought maybe you would
be upset about my seeing someone else.

[Laughs] I can't believe
how little you know me.

Well, no, no. It just very briefly flashed
through my mind that you might be upset.

Well, I mean, why
should I be upset...

if it's just a friend who you were
never really romantically involved with?

I mean, I don't think I'm the
kind of guy that gets upset...

just because you're seeing some guy
you happened to date a couple of times.

Well, Joe, I think that I should
be really honest with you now.

I didn't just date him
a couple of times.

We were, um, sort of engaged.

Oh. Well, sure, but
that was a long time ago.

And now you're sure you
don't have any feelings for him.

Oh, my God.

Joe, listen, listen. One of
the reasons that I can be...

honest with you is because
we're so good together, you know.

And, uh... And we can't let anything,
you know, like this kind of thing,

that's bound to come up in any
relationship affect us. [Phone Ringing]

And I think it would be
very wrong of me to duck it.

Whereas I think, if I
meet it just straight on...

and you and I end up on more
solid ground... [Ringing Continues]

Mary, why aren't you
answering your phone?

Uh, because I think this is
much more important now.

You're not answering your phone
because you're afraid it's him.

Joe, I am not afraid to
answer my own phone.

And now you're
stalling so he'll hang up.

I am not stalling, Joe.
[Ringing Continues]

That's silly. Why would I stall?

Hello? Joe, that's my phone.
You can't answer my phone.

Hello! Hello?

Yes. It's for you.

Hello? Oh, hi, Ted. What's up?

[Laughs] Yes, as a matter of
fact, I sure am free tomorrow night.

That's very thoughtful
of you, buddy. Sure.

Let's do that. My place. And bring
Murray and Lou. We'll play some poker.

Thanks for calling,
Ted. Bye-bye.

Well, aren't you
gonna say "Don't go"?

I'm just not sure what's
best for you right now.

Yeah, well, I mean, you can at
least say "Don't go" to a person.

Can't you give me that much?

Don't go.

I've got to.

Joe!

I can't believe what you're doing. I
mean, you are really overreacting.

Mary, didn't you go crazy when you
found out I was seeing somebody else?

That was different.

How is it different?
I don't know.

Well, I do. Because you
think that, since I'm a man,

I wouldn't be as hurt by
these things as you are.

Well, let's be honest, Joe.

You're not gonna cry your
eyes out all night like I did.

No.

No, I'll be doing the male version of
crying. You wanna know what that is?

Trying to act like
it doesn't hurt.

And you don't know
what hurting is...

till you've tried to
act like it doesn't.

Three kings. A straight.

[All Laugh]

Pour me one, will you, Lou?

I wanna get drunk in
honor of my pal, Joe.

I don't think he's got
enough elderberry wine.

I want scotch.

Yeah. What do you want, Joe?

I want Mary.

Oh, I'm sorry, guys. I'm
really rotten company tonight.

I can't help it.

You wanna know what's
going through my head?

Right at this moment, I've
really got this stupid idea.

Doesn't sound stupid to me.

Wait a minute. You
haven't heard it yet.

Oh, yeah, right. Take it.

I got this terrific
urge to rush over to

Mary's place and burst
in on the two of them.

And do what?

I don't know. I
honestly don't know.

It's just an irrational urge.

I think you oughta do it.

Yeah, I do too.

Seriously, you mean it?

Sure. There are times in
life when being a man...

means making an
absolute ass of yourself.

You said it.

You know something?
I may just do that.

I may go over
there. I think I will.

Wait a minute. Am I crazy?

A guy can't go bursting in on two
other people just 'cause he feels like it.

You just can't do that.

Can he, guys? I mean, think
a minute. Be... Be sensible.

Can he?

Sure can. Damn right.

Why not?

Oh. What a good,
good evening it was.

And so uncomplicated.

Well, we'll soon fix that.

[Laughs]

Mary, I can't believe that we're finally
here. I never thought we'd make it.

Not make it to my
apartment? Why?

Well, you kept us at the dance
until every living soul had left.

You gave the cab driver
the wrong directions.

And it took you 17 minutes to
find the key to an unlocked door.

Well, Dan, you make it sound
like I'm afraid to be alone with you,

when actually I consider this just an
average evening with a dear, good friend.

Oh.

Well, I-I don't know, Mary.
Something just doesn't seem right.

Oh? Like what?

I don't know. Your voice, for
one thing. The way you talk to me.

There's just a faint note
of formality in it, I guess.

Why, Dan, whatever do you mean?

Okay, okay, maybe it's me or the
way we're dressed or something,

but I feel slightly
ill at ease with you.

And that's pretty ironic
when you consider that...

in the old days, we couldn't wait to
get back to your apartment so we could...

Yes, yes, I know. I
know what you mean.

Mary, don't you ever think of
those days when we used to...

Well, Dan, you know, one thinks of so
many things during the course of a day.

Especially that... that New
Year's eve when you told me...

Yes, I do. I remember
that. I remember that. Yes.

Maybe... Maybe I should ask
you more about this guy Joe.

Well, I don't know
what to tell you.

Joe is, uh, fun to be with.

That's enough. I
don't like him already.

So, here's to... us.

Yes. To-To you and to me.

That's us. You and me is us.

I know that. I
just... Okay, okay.

Oh, Dan, I know you too
well to be acting this way.

Let me tell you
what's on my mind.

All right, Mary, I...

I, uh, just realized...

what I'm doing is ridiculous
and very immature.

I'm-I'm sorry.
Please forgive me.

Anyone can rent a tux, you know.

That was Joe.

Oh. Well, he is fun to be with.

But I got a little bored
with him toward the end.

[Snoring]

I'm glad I'm not
married anymore.

I'd hate to have to explain
his gray hair all over me.

You know, I never saw
a guy pass out so fast.

No wonder, with those
sissy drinks he's used to.

This is the first booze he's
ever thrown his lip around...

that didn't have six cherries
and a little umbrella in it.

Come on, Ted. Come on.
Come on. Wake up. Wake up.

[Coughs]

Hey, Joe, congratulate
me. I'm smashed.

Why should I congratulate you?

It's the first time.

Yeah. In drinker's terms,
tonight he lost his olive.

So, Joe, what happened? Did you do
what you said? Did you go over there?

Yeah, I went over there.

And I acted like an idiot.
And I think I cut my own throat.

Oh. Don't feel bad, Joe.
You still got... [Hiccups] me.

Mary, the fact that you know
somebody else now doesn't matter.

In the last two years, I've
thought about you a lot.

Yeah, well, I've
thought about you too.

In New York, I kept seeing
girls who reminded me of you.

Oh, well, Dan, people are always
seeing girls that remind them of me.

[Chuckles] I think in 1939,
they turned out a whole lot of us.

Really?

Mary, you're wonderful.

Dan, you're hugging
a real jerk. What?

I have no business doing this.
I have no business being here.

Mary, you live here.
Right. Yes, I know.

I just mean I have... I have
no business in this situation.

- Some women handle this kind
of thing beautifully.
- What situation?

The "more than
one man" situation.

I mean, some women
are terrific at that.

And then there are others
who make fools of themselves.

And I have a pretty good
idea of which category I fall into.

I thought that was the point of this
evening... to find out how you felt.

Yeah, it was, and I think I did.

You mean when I kissed
you, you... you didn't like that?

Oh, no, I liked that...
quite a lot. Well, then?

Well, but, Dan, I mean, just because
you feel strongly about one person...

doesn't mean you don't
enjoy kissing another person.

I thought it did, and it
probably should, but it doesn't.

I know. That's the point, Mary. Look,
you need some time to think this over.

There's no rush.
I'll tell you what.

Why don't we see each
other again in a week or so?

No, I-I don't think so. Why not?

I don't know, Dan. I wish
I could give you a reason.

We're both adults. You're
not married. I'm not married.

I like you. I don't know.

I just... I don't feel
comfortable not being with Joe.

Well, frankly, I don't think
that's a very good reason.

Okay. Then I'll give you
another, more important reason.

What's that?

I'm pinned.

Hi. I just wanted to say that it's very
immature of me to be here tonight.

And incidentally, anyone
can rent a sweatshirt.

Very funny. You have
a wonderful personality.

[Mouths Words]

- Date over so soon?
- Mm-hmm. Party over so soon?

Yeah, well, it
kinda petered out...

when Ted decided he wanted
to go lie down in the snow.

Mary, did you have to make yourself
look so sensational for him tonight?

Well, it was a formal affair.

Evening.

Anyway, what's wrong
with dressing up?

Oh, nothing.

Nothing. Nothing at all.

Uh, forgive me for
looking like such a slob.

I happen to own my own tuxedo.

It isn't something I
usually point out to people.

Joe, I made a discovery tonight.

I found out that I have
a terrible character flaw.

After you burst
in on Dan and me,

I started trying to picture Dan doing
something like that, and I couldn't.

[Chuckles] Of course not.
He's got too much sense.

So what's wrong with me that I prefer
someone who does things like that?

[Laughs]

Nothing's wrong with you.

It shows you've got character.

Did I spoil your
date? No, not at all.

Oh.

Well, good. Good.

I'm glad you enjoyed yourself.

Did you kiss him?

What? You heard me.

Yes, I know I heard
you. I just can't believe...

that you're quizzing me about
whether or not I kissed him.

Well, don't worry. That's
just my first question.

Joe, if you're
gonna continue this

ridiculous conversation,
then I'm going home.

- Did you say "Don't go"?
- Yes.

I couldn't hear. I
was out in the hall.

Mary, I can't help it if I'm upset
when you kiss somebody else.

I'd be upset by anything
you did with anybody else.

If you held hands with him...
especially if you held hands with him.

Boy, you are really something.

Every time I think I've had it,

you do something terrific.

It's like going to one of
those disaster movies.

You sit through anything just to get to the
part you paid your three dollars to see.

Mary, you're the
only woman in my life.

Do you know how many things
there are about you that I love?

Oh, here comes that for
which I paid my three bucks.

Well, good-bye, Mary. Good-bye.

Thanks for not making a scene. Joe,
you're only gonna be gone two weeks.

How can I make a
scene? You... Bye.

Bye.

Joe, please, say it isn't so!

- Don't go, Joe. Stay here.
- It's just part of the job.

It's only for a couple of
weeks. Will you write?

Say you'll write. I'll write.

Promise you'll write every day.

[Mews]