Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 4, Episode 9 - Love Blooms at Hemples - full transcript

♪ WHO CAN TURN THE
WORLD ON WITH HER SMILE ♪

♪ WHO CAN TAKE A NOTHING DAY ♪

♪ AND SUDDENLY MAKE IT
ALL SEEM WORTHWHILE ♪

♪ WELL, IT'S YOU, GIRL
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW IT ♪

♪ WITH EACH GLANCE AND EVERY
LITTLE MOVEMENT YOU SHOW IT ♪

♪ LOVE IS ALL AROUND
NO NEED TO WASTE IT ♪

♪ YOU CAN HAVE THE TOWN
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪♪

GOOD MORNING, MURRAY.
OH, MARY, COME HERE.

LOOK AT THIS REVIEW
YOUR DOCUMENTARY GOT.



YOU'RE KIDDING. THE PAPER
REVIEWED MY SHOW? WHAT DOES IT SAY?

"I TUNED IN TO WJM-TV
LAST NIGHT TO SEE...

A TYPICALLY DULL DOCUMENTARY
ABOUT CHIMPS AT THE COMO PARK ZOO."

OH, MURRAY. YOU WORK FOR A MONTH
ON A SHOW, AND THEN SOME WRITER...

KEEP READING.

"INSTEAD I WAS TREATED TO
A FASCINATING, INFORMATIVE...

"AND FAST-MOVING HALF-HOUR NARRATED
BY ANTHROPOLOGIST MARGARET KELLOGG.

WE GIVE PRODUCER MARY
RICHARDS FOUR STARS."

FOUR STARS. MURRAY, THEY
NEVER GIVE FOUR STARS.

THAT'S RIGHT. THE BEST TED
EVER GOT WAS THREE LEMONS.

HEY, LOOK, MURRAY, THEY
MENTIONED YOU TOO. I KNOW.

"CREDIT FOR THE OUTSTANDING WRITING
ON THE SHOW GOES TO..." MURIEL SLAUGHTER?

MY MOTHER WOULD BE SO PLEASED.

SHE ALWAYS WANTED A GIRL.



CONGRATULATIONS, MARY.

THANK YOU, MR. GRANT.
YOU TOO, MURIEL.

OH. NO, NO, I MEAN IT.

THAT WAS A TERRIFIC SHOW
LAST NIGHT. OH, THANKS, LOU.

I'LL REMIND YOU WHEN
IT'S TIME FOR A RAISE.

I WAS SPEAKING TO MARY, TED.

OH? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU SAID "TERRIFIC SHOW LAST NIGHT,"
AND IT'S MY NEWS SHOW, NOT MARY'S.

MINE. SO IT'D BE PERFECTLY
NATURAL FOR ME TO SAY, "THANK YOU."

TED, WE WERE TALKING
ABOUT ANOTHER SHOW.

IT'S A LITTLE SHOW MURRAY AND I
WORKED ON ABOUT CHIMPS AT THE ZOO.

HOW COME I DIDN'T
KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT?

OH, WELL, MARGARET
KELLOGG DID THE NARRATION.

- WELL, HOW COME
I DIDN'T DO IT?
- OH...

WE THOUGHT ABOUT
IT, TED, WE REALLY DID.

- WHY DIDN'T I GET IT?
- BECAUSE WE THOUGHT
ABOUT IT, TED.

NO, IT'S JUST THAT
DR. KELLOGG...

HAS WRITTEN BOOKS ABOUT
CHIMPS AND SPEAKS BRILLIANTLY...

AND WAS AVAILABLE
TO DO THE SHOW,

SO, YOU KNOW, WE FIGURED THAT TO
HAVE YOU DO IT INSTEAD OF HER WOULD BE...

STUPID.

[Rhoda] MARY? YEAH.

OH, MAR, I THOUGHT I
HEARD YOU COME IN. HI.

MY FRIEND MARY RICHARDS,
A CELEBRITY. OH, THAT.

OH, THAT? MARY, THIS IS
QUITE SOME WRITE-UP. YEAH.

YOU'RE FAMOUS, KID.
YEAH. IT WAS A NICE REVIEW.

HEY, HOW COME YOU'RE
SO CALM ABOUT IT?

IF IT HAD BEEN ME, I
WOULD'VE RUSHED OUT,

BOUGHT 20 COPIES TO
SEND TO EVERYBODY I KNOW.

AH. WELL, YOU SEE, THAT'S THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND ME, RHODA.

OH, YEAH. I ONLY
BOUGHT 10 COPIES.

[Laughs] HEY, LOOKS LIKE
WE BOTH HAD BIG DAYS.

YEAH. THAT WAS A HINT, MARY.

I MEAN, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO ASK
ME WHAT KIND OF A BIG DAY I HAD.

OH, RHODA, I'M SORRY.
I'M VERY GLAD YOU ASKED.

I WAS SITTING IN HEMPLE'S TEA
ROOM, RIGHT, HAVING MY LUNCH.

GUESS WHO SAT DOWN
TO SHARE MY TABLE.

DOUG HEMPLE. ONE OF
THE HEMPLE'S HEMPLES?

YES, MARY. THE GRANDSON OF
OUR FOUNDER, BERNARD HEMPLE.

- HA!
- REALLY. I'VE SEEN HIM A LOT
AROUND THE STORE.

YOU CAN'T MISS HIM,
HE'S SO GORGEOUS. YEAH?

BUT I NEVER GOT TO KNOW HIM. SO HERE
HE IS SITTIN' ACROSS THE TABLE FROM ME.

AND WE'RE REALLY TALKIN', MAR.

I-I'M JUST AT EASE. I'M KIDDIN' AROUND,
JUST LIKE I'M TALKIN' TO YOU NOW...

- BUT WITHOUT
THE FEET UP, OF COURSE.
- [Laughs]

ANYWAY, HE STARTS LAUGHIN'
AT THE THINGS I'M SAYIN', RIGHT?

ONLY THE GOOD STUFF,
'CAUSE HE'S SELECTIVE.

AND IT TURNS OUT THAT WE
LIKE A LOT OF THE SAME THINGS.

- YEAH? LIKE WHAT?
- LIKE HE LIKES MEL BROOKS,
WHICH, OF COURSE, I DO,

AND HE LIKES NEIL DIAMOND,
WHICH, OF COURSE, I DO,

AND SAILING, WHICH, OF
COURSE... WELL, I COULD LEARN TO...

SINCE I'VE NEVER SAILED,
BUT I KNOW I WOULD.

AND THEN WE BREEZED
THROUGH LUNCH...

AND FINALLY ARRIVED AT
THAT AWKWARD, YOU KNOW,

IS HE GONNA SAY IT OR NOT THING.

- SAY WHAT OR NOT THING?
- YOU KNOW, MARY.

SOMETHING LIKE, "HOW ABOUT
GETTING TOGETHER LATER FOR A DRINK?"

OR AT THE VERY LEAST, "I CERTAINLY
HOPE OUR PATHS CROSS AGAIN...

WITHIN THE SPAN
OF OUR LIFETIMES."

BUT, MAR, NOTHING.

WELL, RHODA, HE'LL PROBABLY CALL
YOU TONIGHT. NAH, I'M NOT HIS TYPE.

I'M NOT HIS TYPE. OH, RHODA.

WHY IS IT ANYTIME
YOU MEET A GUY...

AND IT COULD TURN OUT
TO BE A REAL RELATIONSHIP,

YOU START INVENTING REASONS
WHY HE'S NOT GONNA LIKE YOU?

WELL... AND,

WHY IS IT THAT MOST OF THE
GUYS YOU DO GO OUT WITH ARE...

IN SOME WAY... WELL, I
DON'T KNOW HOW TO PUT IT.

- "FEEBS."
- THAT'S THE WORD.

"FEEBS." LIKE THE LAST GUY.

ARNIE. ARNIE. ARNIE
THE EXTERMINATOR.

HE USED TO PICK
YOU UP IN THAT VAN...

WITH THE PICTURE OF
THE BUG LYING ON HIS BACK,

FEET UP IN THE AIR AND A WREATH
ON HIS CHEST... IT WAS DISGUSTING.

OH, MARY, JUST LOOK, EXTERMINATING
IS-IS AN HONORABLE PROFESSION.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
IT'S NOT JUST THE JOB.

RHODA, THE MAN WAS ALWAYS
ASKING YOU TO LEND HIM MONEY.

JUST UNTIL TERMITE
SEASON. [Groans]

WELL, IT'S TRUE.
IT'S TRUE, MARY.

THOSE GUYS MAY NOT BE
PERFECT, OR EVEN SECOND-RATE,

BUT WHEN THEY
DROP ME, I'M THRILLED.

- THAT IS SO DUMB.
- SO WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST I DO?

WELL, I KNOW WHAT I WOULD
DO IF I'D MET DOUG HEMPLE.

I WOULD TRY TO RUN
INTO HIM AT THE STORE,

AND THEN I WOULD SAY, "WOULD
YOU LIKE TO HAVE LUNCH WITH ME?"

- I'LL DO IT.
- GOOD.

HI, DOUG, WOULD YOU LIKE
TO HAVE LUNCH WITH MARY?

MORNING, MURRAY. MORNING, LOU.

YOU GOT... YOU GOT
ANY DOUGHNUTS LEFT?

UH, NO. THIS IS THE ONLY ONE.

I'D GIVE IT TO YOU, BUT I'M HUNGRY. I
DIDN'T HAVE BREAKFAST THIS MORNING.

I DIDN'T HAVE ANY
BREAKFAST EITHER.

NOT ONLY THAT, I SKIPPED
DINNER LAST NIGHT.

ME TOO.

HOW BIG A LUNCH DID YOU HAVE?

- SOUP AND CRACKERS.
- YOU GOT IT.

GOOD MORNING. GOOD MORNING.

OH, MARY, I JUST RAN
INTO THE STATION MANAGER.

HE SAID HE LIKED YOUR
CHIMP SHOW SO MUCH...

THAT HE WANTS TO RERUN IT NEXT
MONTH SOMETIME. HEY, TERRIFIC.

CONGRATULATIONS.
THANKS. YOU TOO.

AND HE WANTS YOU TO COME
UP WITH SOME PROMOS FOR IT.

YOU KNOW, TO HELP PUBLICIZE IT.

YEAH. SURE. WELL, I'LL GET
ON THAT RIGHT AWAY. WOW.

YOU KNOW, MARY,

NOW THAT YOU'RE
GETTING RECOGNITION,

THERE ARE THINGS I COULD ASK YOU
TO DO BEFORE THAT I CAN'T ASK YOU NOW.

LIKE WHEN YOU STARTED
HERE, I REMEMBER YOU USED

TO BRING ME A JELLY
DOUGHNUT EVERY MORNING.

YOU KNOW? YEAH, I KNOW.

IT JUST WOULDN'T BE
RIGHT NOW, YOU KNOW.

I WOULDN'T DREAM OF ASKING
YOU. I WOULDN'T EXPECT YOU TO.

HEY, I WOULDN'T
EVEN WANT YOU TO.

YEAH, BUT I, UH... I REMEMBER
WHEN I'D COME TO WORK,

AND I'D WALK INTO THE OFFICE
AND THERE IT'D BE ON MY DESK,

JUST SITTING THERE ON A
LITTLE SHEET OF WHITE PAPER...

ONE RASPBERRY JELLY DOUGHNUT...

SOMETIMES STRAWBERRY JELLY.

ALWAYS WAS RED I REMEMBER.

POOR LOU. WHAT A YEAR.

FIRST HIS WIFE MOVES OUT, AND
NOW HE'S LOST HIS DOUGHNUTS.

WELL, MAR, I RAN
THAT SHOW OF YOURS.

OH? HOW'D YOU LIKE
IT? DON'T MAKE ME SAY.

OKAY. BECAUSE IF I SAY, IT'LL
ONLY HURT YOUR FEELINGS.

YEAH. OKAY, TED.

I MEAN, EVERYBODY WANTS
PEOPLE TO LIKE WHAT THEY DO,

AND IF I SAID, IT'D MAKE YOU
FEEL BAD, SO DON'T MAKE ME SAY IT.

OKAY. I UNDERSTAND.
OKAY. I HATED IT.

YOU FINALLY
DRAGGED IT OUT OF HIM.

I'LL TELL YOU THE REASON
WHY I HATED IT, MARY. [Ringing]

NEWSROOM. OH, HI, RHODA.

WHAT? WILL YOU SLOW DOWN?
I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU.

[Clears Throat] YOU DID?

HE DID? YOU'RE GOING
OUT TO DINNER TONIGHT?

HEY, THAT'S MARVELOUS. YEAH,
I'M GLAD YOU ASKED HIM TOO.

RIGHT. OKAY. I'LL
TALK TO YOU TONIGHT.

BYE-BYE. RHODA IS GOING OUT TO
DINNER TONIGHT WITH DOUG HEMPLE.

TERRIFIC. [Giggles]

WHO'S DOUG HEMPLE?

NOW THAT YOU'VE FINISHED YOUR
PERSONAL CALL IN THE OFFICE,

I'LL TELL YOU EXACTLY WHY I
DIDN'T LIKE YOUR SHOW, MAR.

IT'S ONLY FAIR. OH, GEE, TED,

I DON'T THINK IT'S NECESSARY
FOR YOU TO BE SO FAIR.

NOW, I DIDN'T MIND ALL THAT FOOTAGE ABOUT
THE MOTHER MONKEY AND THE FATHER MONKEY.

I MEAN, I'M OPEN-MINDED
ABOUT THAT SORT OF THING.

AFTER ALL, THEY'RE ONLY ANIMALS.

BUT THAT KELLOGG
LADY YOU HIRED...

- THE WAY SHE PRONOUNCED
SOME OF THE WORDS, MARY.
- TED, SHE'S ENGLISH.

ENGLISH?

WELL, I THINK WHEN
THOSE PEOPLE ARE HERE,

THE LEAST THEY COULD DO IS
MAKE AN EFFORT TO SOUND NORMAL.

I'LL TELL HER, TED. OH,
AND ANOTHER THING, MARY.

IT'S EASY TO GET GOOD REVIEWS
WHEN YOU USE ANIMALS IN SHOWS.

EVERYBODY THINKS
THEY'RE SO CUTE.

THEY'RE SUCH GREAT ACTORS. LASSIE? THEY
STICK A PEBBLE IN HIS PAW TO MAKE HIM LIMP.

BUT EVERYBODY SAYS, "OH,
POOR LASSIE HURT HIS LITTLE PAW."

YOU CALL THAT "ACTING," MARY?

I'D LIKE TO SEE ONE OF
THOSE ANIMALS DO WHAT I DO.

I'D LIKE TO SEE YOUR
CHIMP DOING THE NEWS.

ISN'T IT WONDERFUL THAT
HE TRUSTS ME SO MUCH...

THAT HE'D SAY SOMETHING
LIKE THAT IN FRONT OF ME...

THAT HE TRUSTS ME ENOUGH TO SAY,

"I'D LIKE TO SEE ONE OF YOUR
CHIMPS DOING THE NEWS."

THAT HE THINKS THAT I
WOULDN'T SAY, "SO WOULD I, TED."

YOU KNOW, MARY,
I'VE BEEN THINKING.

MAYBE YOU GOT THE WRONG IDEA
ABOUT WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT EARLIER.

YOU MEAN ABOUT THE
JELLY DOUGHNUTS?

YEAH, YEAH, THE JELLY DOUGHNUTS.

WELL, I JUST WANT TO
MAKE IT CLEAR TO YOU...

THAT I NO LONGER EXPECT YOU TO WALK ALL
THE WAY DOWN TO THE MISTER DOUGHNUT SHOP...

AND STAND IN LINE JUST TO
GET ME A JELLY DOUGHNUT.

WELL, MR. GRANT,
I NEVER DID THAT.

- I USED TO PICK UP THE PHONE
AND HAVE THEM DELIVERED.
- THAT'S ALL?

- HOW MANY YOU WANT?
- THREE ASSORTED.

[Knocking] RHODA?

YEAH, KID. COME ON IN.

WHICH ONES DO YOU
WANT? OH, GREAT. THANKS.

HEY, THE PLACE LOOKS DIFFERENT.

OH, YEAH, SINCE DOUG'S
BEEN COMING OVER, MARY,

I DECIDED TO FIX UP A LITTLE.

WHO AM I KIDDING? I WENT
INTO HOCK GETTING NEW STUFF.

THE RUG, THAT, THE COVERLET AND
THE CHAISE OVER THERE. I LOVE IT.

I WANTED TO MAKE IT, YOU KNOW,
A LITTLE MORE ROMANTIC. YEAH.

EVEN TOOK THE LIGHTBULB OUT OF
MY REFRIGERATOR, PUT IN A CANDLE.

OH. HEY, YOU LOOK
ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL.

OH, MAR, DO YOU BELIEVE
IT? IT'S RHODA MORGENSTERN...

GETTING READY TO GO OUT WITH SOMEONE
SHE LIKES, SOMEONE SHE REALLY LIKES.

OH, RHODA, IT'S BEEN
GREAT SO FAR, HUH?

MARY, IT'S BEEN...

LISTEN, IT'S SO... IT'S
HARD TO VERBALIZE.

I MEAN, WE'RE JUST SO
COMPATIBLE IN SO MANY WAYS,

INCLUDING EVERYTHING.

I MEAN, MARY, I'M-I'M
SO... CAN I SAY IT?

- WHAT?
- HAPPY.

OH, RHODA. REALLY.

I KEEP IMAGINING THE WHOLE
THING IN MY MIND, YOU KNOW.

HIM TAKING ME TO
MEET HIS MOTHER.

ME TAKIN' HIM TO MEET MY MOTHER.

LISTEN, RHODA, I REALLY... I THINK
IT'S GREAT THAT YOU FEEL THIS WAY,

AND I DON'T WANT TO PUT ANY KIND
OF A DAMPER ON ANYTHING, YOU KNOW,

BUT LISTEN, IT'S
ONLY BEEN A WEEK.

I MEAN, DON'T YOU THINK YOU
OUGHT TO SLOW DOWN A LITTLE BIT?

NO. [Knocking]

HE'S THERE. HE'S HERE, MAR.
HE'S AT THE DOOR RIGHT NOW.

UM, LISTEN, PLEASE LIKE HIM.

RHODA.

HI, RHODA. READY? HEY, DOUG.

YEAH. LISTEN, THERE'S SOMEONE
IN HERE I WANT YOU TO MEET.

COME IN FOR JUST A SECOND. OKAY.

MARY RICHARDS,
DOUG HEMPLE. HI, MARY.

- HELLO, DOUG.
- OH! OR DO I INTRODUCE YOU
THE OTHER WAY AROUND?

I NEVER KNOW WHO
TO SAY FIRST. [Chuckles]

WHATEVER YOU SAID
SOUNDED JUST GREAT.

HEY, THE PLAY STARTS IN
ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES. OKAY.

I GUESS WE'D BETTER
GET GOING. SO LONG, MAR.

HOPE TO SEE YOU AGAIN, MARY.
GOOD-BYE. THANK YOU. NICE MEETING YOU.

DOUG, WHY DON'T YOU GO
ON AHEAD? I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN.

FORGOT SOMETHING. OKAY, SURE.

OKAY. DO YOU LIKE HIM?

YOU LIKE HIM. I CAN TELL.
GOOD. RHODA, I LIKE HIM.

BUT WILL YOU JUST GO
SLOW? RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.

I'M NOT GONNA PUSH
THINGS. PROMISE.

BUT, MARY,

I CAN JUST PICTURE MY
MOTHER'S WEDDING INVITATION.

"MR. AND MRS. MARTIN MORGENSTERN ARE
RELIEVED TO ANNOUNCE THE ENGAGEMENT...

"OF THEIR ELDEST LIVING
DAUGHTER, RHODA FAY,

"TO MR. DOUGLAS COLLIER HEMPLE,

"YES, SON OF HEMPLE'S
DEPARTMENT STORE...

WHO'S NOT NEAR GOOD
ENOUGH FOR HER." [Laughs]

OKAY.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU THE TRUTH.

I FEEL A LITTLE EMBARRASSED
TALKING TO A PLANT, YOU KNOW.

BUT, PEOPLE SAY
THAT IT'S GOOD FOR YA,

AND, WELL, I CERTAINLY DON'T WANT TO
TAKE ANY CHANCES WITH YOUR HEALTH.

SO... WELL, ENJOY THE NEW POT.

IT'S A LOT ROOMIER THAN
THE OLD ONE, AS YOU KNOW.

AND... WELL, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT ELSE TO SAY TO YOU,

EXCEPT JUST RELAX,
ENJOY THE APARTMENT...

AND TRY TO GROW UP AND
BE BIG AND STRONG, OKAY?

[High-pitched Voice]
I'LL TRY, AUNT MARY.

YOU LITTLE DEVIL. YOU'RE
GETTING VERY GOOD AT THAT.

LISTEN, YOU SHOULD HEAR THE
TALKS I HAVE WITH MY PLANTS UPSTAIRS.

A LITTLE ONE-SIDED, ADMITTEDLY.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SIT THIS ONE DOWN
SOON AND TELL IT ABOUT THE BIRDS AND BEES.

YES, YES, BUT I'M GONNA
LEAD UP TO THAT ONE SLOWLY.

I'M GONNA START BY TELLING
IT ABOUT MEN AND WOMEN.

MEN AND WOMEN.
GOOD SUBJECT, MAR.

GLAD YOU BROUGHT IT
UP. HOW IS DOUG ANYWAY?

MARY... AH, MARY. WELL, THAT
ANSWERS THAT, DOESN'T IT?

TELL ME EVERYTHING. OH,

YOU KNOW, SOMETHING WONDERFUL
HAPPENS DURING THE DAY,

I CAN'T WAIT TO RUSH
TO HIM AND TELL HIM.

I SAY TO MYSELF, "THIS IS IT."

THIS IS WHAT HAVING
SOMEBODY REALLY MEANS.

YOU WANT TO RUN AND
TELL HIM THE GOOD THINGS.

AND THEN SOMETHING CRUMMY HAPPENS, AND
I WANT TO RUN TO HIM AND TELL HIM ABOUT IT.

I SAY, "OH, I SEE,
IT'S THIS TOO."

WANTIN' TO SHARE THE
CRUMMY THINGS AS WELL.

OH, RHODA. INCREDIBLE.

IT MAKES ME FEEL SO
GOOD TO SEE YOU LIKE THIS.

HEY, MARY, DO YOU REALLY
LIKE HIM? YEAH, I REALLY DO.

WHAT IS HE? TELL
ME WHAT HE IS. WHAT?

RHODA, COME ON. YOU
KNOW EVERYTHING HE IS.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
SAY, LIKE, YOU KNOW, HE'S WITTY,

HE'S BRIGHT, YOU KNOW, STUFF
LIKE THAT. COME ON. RHODA.

COME ON, TELL ME, PLEASE. I
ONLY MET HIM A COUPLE OF TIMES.

OH, COME ON, MARY.
BE A FRIEND. ALL RIGHT.

UH, JUST WINGING IT THEN,
OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD,

I WOULD SAY HE IS SENSATIONAL.

YEAH. THAT'S... HE IS. YOU'RE
RIGHT. HE IS SENSATIONAL.

THAT'S WHY I WROTE
HIM THIS LETTER.

NOW, MARY, I HAVE NEVER DONE
ANYTHING LIKE THIS IN MY LIFE.

BUT I SAT DOWN TO WRITE IT, AND
THESE FANTASTIC THOUGHTS CAME TO ME.

IT'S THE BEST
LETTER I EVER WROTE.

OH, WOULD YOU READ IT, OUT LOUD,
SO I CAN HEAR WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE?

SURE. [Clears Throat]

"DEAR MR. HEMPLE." MR. HEMPLE?

I WANT TO START WITH A JOKE.
NOT TOO FUNNY? I CAN CHANGE IT.

"THERE ARE SO MANY
THINGS I WANT TO SAY TO YOU,

"BUT WHEN I'M WITH YOU THE
WORDS JUST STICK IN MY THROAT.

- SO I'M WRITING THIS LETTER."
- THAT'S TERRIBLE. I HATE IT.

IT'S REALLY HOKEY. I
MEAN, I-I-I'LL CHANGE THAT...

OR TAKE THAT OUT, BUT GO AHEAD.

"EVER SINCE I'VE KNOWN YOU, I'VE
WANTED TO TELL YOU HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU,

BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING
UNTIL I KNEW HOW YOU FELT ABOUT ME."

I'M NOT SURE WHAT THAT MEANS.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? WELL...

WELL, I'LL REWRITE THAT
SECTION. UH, KEEP READING.

"SO HOW DO YOU FEEL
ABOUT ME? CHECK ONE:

"'A'... MAD ABOUT YOU.

"'B'... MILDLY INFATUATED.

'C'... MOVED, LEFT NO
FORWARDING ADDRESS."

MARY, THAT'S HIGH SCHOOL.
THAT'S REALLY SO HIGH SCHOOL.

RHODA... RHODA FAY... IT DOESN'T
MATTER WHAT THE LETTER SAYS.

THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT
YOU DON'T SEND THE LETTER AT ALL.

- WHY?
- RHODA, YOU'RE GONNA
SCARE HIM OFF.

IT'S ONLY BEEN TWO WEEKS. I
MEAN, YOU'RE STILL AT THAT...

"ISN'T IT INCREDIBLE THAT WE
BOTH LOVE CHINESE FOOD" STAGE.

YEAH. DON'T WANNA
SCARE HIM OFF, HUH?

RIGHT. I SEE.

IT'S A TERRIBLE THING YOU SHOULD
TELL ANOTHER HUMAN BEING, "I LOVE YOU."

NO, RHODA, NOT AT ALL. IT'S JUST YOU
DON'T WANT TO SAY IT TOO SOON, IS ALL.

OKAY, ONE QUESTION:
WHEN IS NOT TOO SOON?

YOU'LL KNOW.
SOMETHING WILL TELL YOU.

I DOUBT THAT, MARY. I WANTED TO
SAY IT WHEN WE WERE INTRODUCED.

SO, LISTEN, I WON'T SEND
THIS LETTER TO DOUG.

I OWE MY MOTHER A LETTER.
IT'S A LITTLE WEIRD, BUT...

OKAY. THANK YOU VERY
MUCH. THAT WAS RECEPTION.

DR. KELLOGG'S ON HER WAY UP.
SHE'S A LITTLE LATE, ISN'T SHE?

- THE CHIMP OVERSLEPT.
- OH. I'LL GO DOWN TO
THE STUDIO AND TELL THEM...

WE'LL SHOOT THE PROMO FOR
YOUR CHIMP SHOW IN 15 MINUTES.

OKAY.

MARY. RHODA.

YEAH, I LEFT WORK EARLY 'CAUSE I'M
PLANNING THIS BIG DINNER FOR DOUG TONIGHT.

IF YOU'VE GOT A MINUTE,
I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU.

YEAH, SURE. COME ON
IN MR. GRANT'S OFFICE.

HE WON'T BE BACK
FOR A FEW MINUTES.

[Sighs] MARY, PLEASE,

DON'T TRY TO TALK ME OUT
OF IT, OKAY, PLEASE? WHAT?

I KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT AND EVERYTHING,
BUT DON'T TRY TO CHANGE MY MIND.

- RHODA, WHAT IS IT?
- TONIGHT I'M GONNA
ASK DOUG HOW HE FEELS.

[Knocking] [Sucks Teeth]

UH, MARY, DR. KELLOGG AND
HUGO ARE HERE TO SEE YOU.

OKAY. THANK YOU.
I'LL BE RIGHT OUT.

RHODA, I'VE GOTTA GO, BUT YOU KNOW
THAT I'M RIGHT ABOUT NOT RUSHING THINGS?

YEAH, I DO KNOW THAT, MAR.

KID, YOU'RE RIGHT. IT'S
THE BEST WAY TO HANDLE IT.

IN THE BACK OF MY MIND
I KNOW MARY IS RIGHT.

OKAY, GOOD. BUT IN
THE FRONT OF MY MIND,

I'LL GO CRAZY IF
I DON'T ASK HIM.

RHODA, LISTEN, I GOTTA GO.
THERE'S A CHIMP WAITING FOR ME.

BUT, LISTEN, I'LL TALK TO
YOU TONIGHT. ALL RIGHT?

AND IN THE MEANTIME, PLEASE
DON'T DO ANYTHING, OKAY? OKAY.

I GOTTA GO DO THIS CHIMP
THING. YEAH. GO. THANK YOU.

HELLO, DR. KELLOGG. HELLO, MARY.

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET
RHODA MORGENSTERN.

OH, HOW DO YOU
DO? HELLO, DOCTOR.

THERE ARE ONLY TWO
N's IN BANANA. [Laughs]

AH, MR. GRANT,
THIS IS DR. KELLOGG.

SHE'S GONNA HELP US DO THE
PROMOS. OH, RIGHT. OF COURSE.

NICE TO MEET YOU.
NICE TO MEET YOU TOO.

I'LL JUST GO CHECK AND MAKE SURE
EVERYTHING'S READY IN THE STUDIO.

AND THIS IS HUGO.

HUGO? OH, YOU REMEMBER.

HE'S THE LITTLE FELLOW THAT WOULDN'T EAT
FOR TWO DAYS WHEN HIS GRANDMOTHER DIED.

OH, I'M SORRY TO HEAR
IT. OH, HE'S DOING...

HE'S DOING MUCH
BETTER NOW. GOOD.

HUGO, SAY HELLO TO MR. GRANT.

MR. GRANT. THAT'S OKAY. HE
DOESN'T HAVE TO SAY HELLO.

COME ON NOW, HUGO.

SHAKE HANDS WITH
MR. GRANT. NO, IT'S OKAY, HUGO.

LOU, MAYBE IF YOU PUT
YOUR HAND OUT FIRST.

RIGHT. WHAT DO YOU SAY, HUGO?

WELL, HE USUALLY DOESN'T TAKE TO
PEOPLE UNTIL HE'S KNOWN THEM FOR A BIT.

OH, YEAH. SAY, MURR,

I-I CAN'T UNDERSTAND
THIS LAST...

WAIT A MINUTE. YOU'RE NOT MURR.

[Giggles]

YOU'RE RIGHT, DR. KELLOGG.
HE DOESN'T TAKE TO PEOPLE.

LISTEN, I GUESS
YOU'LL UNDERSTAND IF I

DON'T WALK YOU ALL THE
WAY TO YOUR CAR, HUH?

RHODA, I REALLY HOPE YOU
KNOW HOW I FEEL. I WANT YOU TO.

[Voice Quavering] LISTEN,
PLEASE, DOUG, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

REALLY, EVERYTHING'S FINE.

I JUST ASKED YOU DURING THE WALTONS
TO TELL ME EXACTLY HOW YOU FELT.

AND BEFORE YOU HAD A
CHANCE TO TELL ME, I TOLD YOU.

YOU SAID NOTHING
WRONG. HONEST, DOUG.

NOTHING AT ALL.

THE ONLY THING WRONG IS THAT NOW
YOU THINK I'M CRYING OVER WHAT YOU SAID,

AND WHAT I'M CRYING
ABOUT IS THE WALTONS.

THAT SHOW WAS SAD. HEY, RHODA.

I MEAN, THAT PART TONIGHT,

I CRIED SO HARD WHEN
JOHN BOY DIED. [Groans]

JOHN BOY DIDN'T DIE. HOW COULD
HE DIE? HE'S THE STAR OF THE SHOW.

SO, HIS INNOCENCE DIED...
SOMETHING. I DON'T KNOW.

SOMETHING DIED UP THERE. I
MEAN, I SAW IT ON THE SHOW.

HIS FROG DIED, SOMETHING. WHAT DO
YOU THINK, I ALWAYS CARRY ON LIKE THIS?

RHODA, LISTEN, LET'S GET TOGETHER FOR
LUNCH TOMORROW AND TALK SOME MORE.

OKAY. I WANT TO TALK ABOUT
US. I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT.

SURE. HEY, WAIT, DOUG, PLEASE.

I'M NOT THIS SOPHISTICATED.

HI.

[Voice Quavers] HI.

UH, MARY, YOU KNOW
MY FRIEND DOUG HEMPLE.

HI, MARY. HI, DOUG.

SMALL WORLD, HUH?

RHODA, WE WILL TALK
ABOUT IT, WON'T WE?

SURE. LISTEN, DOUG,
I AM OKAY, REALLY.

I JUST DON'T THINK
I'LL BE IN TOMORROW.

REALLY, I JUST CAN'T.

YOU CAN DOCK ME IF YOU WANT,
BUT I CAN'T COME IN TOMORROW.

RHODA, LISTEN, I'M NOT
GONNA DOCK YOU. OH, GOOD.

PERHAPS YOU'LL PUNCH IN FOR
ME. I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW, OKAY?

RIGHT. GOOD.

HI, WHAT'S NEW?

YOU WANT TO COME INSIDE? YEAH.

[Sniffling] RHODA,
WHAT HAPPENED?

DOESN'T HEAR BELLS. "DOES NOT HEAR
BELLS." THAT'S THE EXPRESSION HE USED.

OH, HE SAYS, "RHODA,
YOU'RE GREAT."

YOU'RE THIS, YOU'RE THAT,
BUT HE HAS TO HEAR BELLS.

WHAT'S HE BEEN
DATING, AVON LADIES?

YOU KNOW, MARY, ACTUALLY,
WHEN YOU GET RIGHT DOWN TO IT,

I DON'T KNOW HOW I COULD
BE THIS HURT OVER A GUY...

WHO WOULD USE SUCH
A CORNY EXPRESSION.

WHY IS IT THAT PEOPLE CAN'T
BE OPEN WITH EACH OTHER?

WHY DO THE HONEST PEOPLE
ALWAYS GET CLOBBERED?

WHY DOES IT ALWAYS RAIN
AFTER YOU WASH A CAR?

WELL, AT LEAST IN
ABOUT SIX MONTHS...

YOU'LL BE ABLE TO
LOOK BACK ON THIS...

AND REALIZE THAT YOU'VE
GAINED SOMETHING FROM IT.

YEAH, PROBABLY ABOUT 10 POUNDS.

IF ONLY YOU DIDN'T HAVE
TO WAIT THE SIX MONTHS.

IF WE COULD JUST FIGURE OUT
NOW WHAT WAS GOOD ABOUT IT.

I KNOW ONE GOOD
THING, MAR. WHAT?

YOU KNOW ALL THOSE OTHER TIMES, WITH
THOSE OTHER GUYS, WHEN IT DIDN'T WORK OUT?

WELL, NOTICE THAT THIS
TIME THAT I'M BEING NOT LOVED,

IT'S BY A BETTER CLASS OF GUY.

ANOTHER GOOD THING... WHAT?

YOU KNOW THAT LOVE LETTER THAT
I WROTE TO DOUG AND I DIDN'T SEND?

YES. I SENT IT TO MY MOTHER.

SHE CALLED ME FROM
NEW YORK THIS MORNING,

AND SHE TOLD ME THAT LETTER MADE HER
THE HAPPIEST MOTHER IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

[Knocking] MARY? YEAH.

HEY, YOU'RE JUST IN
TIME. THE PROMO FOR MY

SHOW IS COMING ON RIGHT
AFTER THIS COMMERCIAL.

OH, WHAT PROMO? THE ONE
THAT TED DID WITH THE CHIMP.

YOU'RE KIDDING. I THOUGHT TED WOULDN'T
HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOUR SHOW.

WELL, THAT'S TRUE. BUT, SEE,
MR. GRANT EXPLAINED TO HIM...

HOW IT WOULD BE GOOD FOR
HIS IMAGE IF HE HELPED PROMOTE...

A CULTURAL, INTELLECTUAL
SHOW LIKE OURS.

- HOW MUCH DID YOU
HAVE TO PAY HIM?
- FIFTY DOLLARS.

MM-HMM. IT REALLY
WENT VERY WELL.

SEE, THEY LET THE TAPE RUN A
LITTLE BIT LONGER... WELL, YOU'LL SEE.

- AH! IT'S COMING ON NOW.
- THIS IS TED BAXTER...

SAYING STAY TUNED TO WJM FOR
CHIMPS AND WHAT THEY CAN TEACH US,

COMING UP NEXT ON CHANNEL 12.

[Man's Voice] TERRIFIC.
NOW LET'S DO ONE MORE.

AND BEFORE WE START, WOULD
SOMEONE STRAIGHTEN HIS TIE, PLEASE?

[Mews]