Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 4, Episode 7 - Son of 'But Seriously, Folks' - full transcript

♪ WHO CAN TURN THE
WORLD ON WITH HER SMILE ♪

♪ WHO CAN TAKE A NOTHING DAY ♪

♪ AND SUDDENLY MAKE IT
ALL SEEM WORTHWHILE ♪

♪ WELL, IT'S YOU, GIRL
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW IT ♪

♪ WITH EACH GLANCE AND EVERY
LITTLE MOVEMENT YOU SHOW IT ♪

♪ LOVE IS ALL AROUND
NO NEED TO WASTE IT ♪

♪ YOU CAN HAVE THE TOWN
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪♪

AH, GOOD LUCK, JOSH.
THANKS A LOT, MURR.

SAY HELLO TO WALTER CRONKITE
FOR US. I'LL DO THAT. SO LONG.



[All] BYE.

WALTER CRONKITE. WHAT A BREAK.
FROM TED BAXTER TO WALTER CRONKITE.

MAKES YOU BELIEVE THERE IS
A LIFE AFTER DEATH, DOESN'T IT?

HI, GUYS. WHAT'S UP? OH, WE WERE JUST
GIVING A LITTLE GOING AWAY PARTY FOR JOSH.

OH, YES, GOING OUT TO
WRITE FOR GOOD OLD CRONKIE.

ANYWAY, I JUST HOPE JOSH REMEMBERS
HE'S NO DIFFERENT THAN THE REST OF US.

I MEAN, HE TAKES HIS PANTS OFF
ONE LEG AT A TIME, JUST LIKE ME.

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS, YOU TRY
TO GET YOURS OFF OVER YOUR HEAD.

THIS IS THE ONLY
FAMILY I HAVE, YOU KNOW.

LOSING ONE OF MY NEWS WRITERS
IS LIKE LOSING MY OWN SON.

JOSH, YOU LITTLE LUG,
I'M GONNA MISS YOU.

I'M NOT JOSH.

OH, OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT.
UH, YOU'RE, UH... YOU'RE, UH...

PETE. NO, NO, THAT'S NOT IT.



UH, I-I'LL THINK...
I'LL THINK OF IT.

HI, EVERYBODY. HEY,
WES. HOW ARE YOU?

[Murray] GOOD TO
SEE YOU. WES. HI.

HI, MARY. I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE
YOU STOPPED WRITING FOR CHUCKLES.

YEAH, WELL I HAD TO QUIT. IT
WASN'T THE WRITING SO MUCH,

BUT WHEN CHUCKLES MADE ME ZIP
ESTHER DUCK INTO HER FEATHER SUIT,

- IT JUST WASN'T DIGNIFIED.
- OH, COME ON.

YOU CONTRIBUTED A LOT OF VERY
CLEVER THINGS TO THAT SHOW.

- LIKE WHAT?
- WELL, YOU CREATED THE CHARACTER
OF MAHARISHI MARSHMALLOW.

MAHARISHI MARSHMALLOW?
ISN'T THAT THE ONE

THAT PUTS THE GOOEY
STUFF ALL OVER HIS FACE,

WEARS A TURBAN AND HAS THAT
UNNATURAL FEAR OF COOKOUTS? [Wes] YEAH.

AND I WAS PROUD OF HIM.
THAT'S WHEN I KNEW I HAD TO QUIT.

SO WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?
OH, JUST FREELANCE WRITING.

LAST MONTH, I WROTE
A BARBECUE APRON.

MAYBE YOU SAW IT.
RIGHT IN THE FRONT IT

SAID, "IF YOU LIKE IT
RARE, YOU'RE TOO LATE."

HEY, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

YEAH, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.
BOY, I REALLY MISSED YOU... ALL.

AND WE ALL MISSED YOU TOO.

MARY, I'M SORRY I DIDN'T CALL FOR A COUPLE
OF MONTHS, BUT THERE WAS A GOOD REASON.

NO, LISTEN, WES, THAT'S OKAY... MAYBE
I SHOULD LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE, HUH?

NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, MURRAY.
I CAN SAY THIS IN FRONT OF YOU.

I WAS DOWN, YOU KNOW,
FEELING REALLY DOWN.

AND WHEN I'M DOWN LIKE
THAT, I JUST DON'T FEEL

RIGHT ABOUT GOING
OUT WITH A GIRL LIKE YOU.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I'M DOWN, I
HAVE TO GO OUT WITH DOWN WOMEN.

YOU KNOW, LOW. REALLY LOW WOMEN.

YOU KNOW THE KIND I'M TALKING
ABOUT. YEAH, I GUESS I DO.

WELL, NOT THAT LOW.

ANYWAY, NOW WITH THIS JOB
OPENING UP AND ALL. WHAT JOB?

THAT'S WHAT I'M HERE FOR. TO SEE
LOU ABOUT TAKING JOSH McBRIDE'S PLACE.

OH, WES, THAT'S GREAT. I'LL GO
PUT A GOOD WORD IN FOR YOU.

MARY, I DON'T WANT YOU TO PUT IN A GOOD
WORD FOR ME. I WANT YOU TO BEG FOR ME.

BUT, MAR, WHY WOULD LOU HIRE A CLOWN
WRITER FOR TED? ALL OBVIOUS JOKES ASIDE.

I REALLY THINK THAT WES
IS GONNA BE JUST FINE.

COME ON, MAR.

NOW, YOU CAN'T LIKE THE IDEA OF WORKING
ALONGSIDE A GUY YOU USED TO DATE.

OKAY, AND YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHY? IT MAKES ME FEEL GUILTY.

GUILTY? WHY? YOU NEVER HAD
ANYTHING REALLY SERIOUS GOING.

NO, I DIDN'T, BUT HE DID.

AND I JUST FEEL GUILTY KNOWING
THAT HE LIKES ME MORE THAN I LIKE HIM.

YOU KNOW, AND IT'S GONNA
BE THAT WAY EVERY DAY,

HIM LIKING ME
MORE THAN I LIKE HIM.

AND THAT'S THE THING. I FEEL SO
GUILTY WHEN I'M THE ONE WHO FEELS LESS.

- MMM, ME TOO.
- TERRIBLE.

ALTHOUGH IT SURE BEATS
BEING THE OTHER ONE.

YOU KNOW, MARY, I ONCE WORKED
WITH A GUY THAT I HAD PREVIOUSLY DATED.

A DISASTER. I MEAN, I
SWORE NEVER AGAIN.

BOTH OF US GOT DRIVEN CRAZY.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE SOMEBODY
GOING THROUGH YOUR MAIL,

- LISTENING IN ON
YOUR PHONE CALLS?
- I'D HATE IT.

SO DID HE.

[Knocking]

HI, MARY. WES, HI.

HI, RHODA.

HI, WES. CONGRATULATIONS.
I HEARD YOU GOT THE JOB.

THANKS. SO ARE YOU READY TO GO?

GO WHERE? TO WORK. I THOUGHT
WE'D DRIVE TO WORK TOGETHER.

OH, WELL, SURE, THAT
WOULD BE FUN FOR TODAY.

OH, WE CAN DO IT EVERY DAY. I DON'T
MIND. IT'S JUST A FEW MILES OUT OF MY WAY.

OH, WELL, I-I DON'T THINK WE'D WANT
TO DO IT EVERY DAY. WHY? H-HOW COME?

WELL, UH, BECAUSE LIKE-LIKE TODAY AT... AT
MY LUNCH HOUR, I WAS GONNA USE MY CAR.

- I WAS, UH... I WAS GONNA USE IT TO, UH...
- YOU CAN USE MINE FOR THAT.

AND THEN AFTER WORK, I
THOUGHT I'D DO A LITTLE SHOPPING.

YOU KNOW, PROBABLY SPEND
HOURS LOOKING FOR DRESSES.

OH, I'LL TAKE YOU SHOPPING.

WATCHING YOU TRY ON CLOTHES, I CAN'T
THINK OF A BETTER EVENING THAN THAT.

UH, MARY, WAIT.
NOT SO FAST THERE.

REMEMBER, YOU PROMISED ME TO PICK
ME UP AFTER YOU FINISH YOUR SHOPPING,

BECAUSE I HAVE TO BRING HOME THAT,
UH, GIANT 40-POUND CACTUS TONIGHT.

THIS IS TRUE. AND, WES, YOU ONLY
HAVE THE TWO SEATS IN YOUR CAR. SO...

YOU'RE NOT JUST MAKIN'
ALL THIS UP SO YOU

WON'T HAVE TO DRIVE TO
WORK WITH ME, ARE YOU?

OH, NO. NO, WES.

WELL, UH, I'LL TELL YOU, I'LL PUT THE TOP
DOWN AND THEN PUT THE BACKSEAT DOWN,

AND, UH, WE'LL WEDGE
THE CACTUS IN THERE...

AND RHODA CAN SIT ON YOUR LAP.

YOU READY?

WELL, THEN, I'LL
SEE YOU TONIGHT.

[Door Closes] ONE QUESTION. WHERE
AM I GONNA FIND A 40-POUND CACTUS?

SAY, MAR, CAN YOU PROOF
THIS FOR ME, PLEASE?

LET ME GIVE THAT
TO MARY. OH, THANKS.

THERE YOU ARE, MAR. THANK YOU.

DID YOU WANT ME TO PROOF
SOMETHING FOR YOU, WES?

NO. I JUST THOUGHT I'D STRETCH
THE OLD LEGS AND SAY HI.

OH, I'LL LET YOU
GET BACK TO WORK.

YOU THOUGHT ABOUT WHERE
YOU'D LIKE TO HAVE LUNCH TODAY?

- OH, NO, I HADN'T.
- WELL, THERE'S THIS GREAT
CHINESE PLACE DOWN THE STREET.

I THOUGHT... OH, GOOD, THAT
SOUNDS FINE. I GOT TO FINISH THIS.

OH, YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF...

OF COURSE, IF YOU LIKE ITALIAN
FOOD, THERE'S A BRAND-NEW...

ON THE OTHER HAND, A
GREAT NEW GREEK PLACE

THERE. SO WHATEVER...
WH-WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- WHATEVER YOU WANT.
- WELL, I'LL DECIDE.

SUPPOSE I JUST NARROW
IT DOWN TO THREE.

SAY, WES, YOU KNOW, IT MIGHT BE A
LOT EASIER IF YOU AND I TRADE DESKS.

OH, DON'T BE SILLY, MURRAY.

I MEAN, AFTER ALL, THAT'S YOUR DESK.
YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR A LONG TIME.

I'M SURE YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO
GIVE IT UP. WOULD YOU? I'M SORRY.

I'M TALKING TOO MUCH. IT'S JUST THAT
I'M SO HAPPY ABOUT THE NEW JOB AND ALL.

OH, WES, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU
ONE OR TWO LITTLE HINTS,

MAKE IT EASIER FOR
YOU TO WRITE FOR ME.

SURE. UH, FIRST...
[Clears Throat]

IN THE FIELD OF FOREIGN NEWS, TRY
TO AVOID COUNTRIES AND POLITICIANS...

WHOSE NAMES ARE
IMPOSSIBLE TO PRONOUNCE.

LAST NIGHT, SOME JOKER GAVE
ME A STORY ABOUT ETHIOPIA.

I HAD TO PRONOUNCE
THAT GUY'S NAME, YOU

KNOW, THE GUY THAT'S
KING OF IT OR SOMETHING?

HAILE SELASSIE? YEAH,
YEAH, THAT'S THE GUY.

WELL, IN THE FUTURE,
TRY TO AVOID HIM.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, JUST AVOID
ETHIOPIA. NOBODY CARES ABOUT IT ANYWAY.

WELL, MURRAY, I'VE GONE OVER THIS
THREE TIMES. I CAN'T FIND ANY MISTAKE.

OH, THAT'S OKAY.
TED WILL FIND IT.

OH, WES. WES, I HEARD YOU
WERE HERE. I GOTTA TALK TO YOU.

- OH, HI, CHUCK. MARY,
YOU KNOW CHUCKLES THE CLOWN.
- OH, YEAH. HI, CHUCK.

LOOK, WES. WES, LOOK, I WAS
IN THE MIDDLE OF REHEARSAL,

AND SUDDENLY I REALIZED
I GOT BIG PROBLEMS.

LOOK AT THIS. MY IDIOT WRITERS HAVE
GOT ME SWALLOWED UP BY MOBY PICKLE.

YOU KNOW, HE'S THE BIGGEST
GHERKIN IN THE WORLD. RIGHT.

TWO PAGES LATER... TWO
PAGES LATER, I ESCAPE.

THERE'S NO GUZINTA.
THERE'S NO DEVELOPMENT.

THERE'S NO BIG JOKES.
THERE'S NO MOTIVATION.

NO CLOWNS IN THE
NEWSROOM. SORRY, LOU.

THIS IS IMPORTANT, GRANT.
WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS.

THEY GOT ME, ESTHER DUCK AND THE
MAHARISHI MARSHMALLOW IN THIS PICKLE.

MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU.

WHAT'S UP? WELL, CHUCKLES
IS CAUGHT IN THIS GIANT PICKLE...

AND DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO GET
OUT. OH, YEAH. I KNEW ABOUT THAT.

COME ON. COME ON, WES.
HOW DO WE GET OUT? HUH?

WHAT IF THE PICKLE
JUST SAYS TO THEM,

"I'M SICK OF THIS. YOU GOT 10
SECONDS TO GET OUT OF HERE."

NO. A PICKLE WOULD
NEVER SAY THAT.

UH, I GOT TO GET
BACK TO WORK, CHUCK.

WES, WAIT. YOU'RE NOT
GONNA LEAVE ME IN THERE.

ALL RIGHT, UH, DO YOU HAVE YOUR
LITTLE LUNCH BUCKET WITH YOU?

OH, YEAH. I-I NEVER GO
ANYWHERE WITHOUT THAT.

YEAH, ALL RIGHT. YOU REACH IN AND
PULL OUT A... LIKE A PASTRAMI SANDWICH...

AND SAY, "YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD
GO GOOD WITH THIS... A PICKLE."

AND THEN THAT... THAT
GIVES YOU THE IDEA.

WHAT IDEA? WELL,
YOU EAT YOUR WAY OUT.

I-I EAT MY WAY OUT.

YOU KNOW, I THINK IT'LL
WORK. OH, IT'S GOTTA WORK.

WAIT A SECOND.

YOU TRYING TO TELL ME THAT THREE
PEOPLE CAN EAT THAT MUCH PICKLE MONSTER?

LOOK, IT'S A FANTASY, BAXTER. YOU'RE
TELLING ME. THAT'S WHY IT'S NOT REAL.

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHAT'S REAL? RATINGS ARE REAL.

DID YOU GET A GOOD LOOK
AT LAST MONTH'S RATINGS?

CHUCKLES THE CLOWN, 17, UH, THE SIX
O'CLOCK NEWS, SIX. UH, THAT'S NO FANTASY.

WAIT A MINUTE, CLOWN. WHO
ARE YOU CALLING A CLOWN?

WELL, IF THE SHOE FITS.
YOU THINK YOU'RE SO HOT?

EVERYBODY HERE KNOWS THAT ESTHER DUCK HAS
BEEN CARRYING YOU FOR THE LAST FIVE YEARS.

YOU KNOW WHAT SHE WAS DOING
WHEN I FOUND HER? NOTHING.

YOU KNOW WHAT MURRAY
WAS DOING WHEN I FOUND HIM?

HE WAS A WINO ON SKID
ROW BEGGIN' FOR QUARTERS.

AND BESIDES, CHUCKLES, EVERYBODY
KNOWS YOU'RE THE ONLY GUY ON YOUR SHOW...

THAT STRUCK OUT
WITH PRINCESS POTATO.

YOU GO TOO FAR, BAXTER.

BOY, TALK ABOUT
MR. SENSITIVE. [Chuckles]

WELL, I'M GOING TO LUNCH.

SAY, WES, UH, CAN YOU LOAN ME A
QUARTER FOR A BOTTLE OF MUSCATEL?

[Chuckles] [Rings]

NEWSROOM.

NO, SORRY. MARY ISN'T HERE RIGHT
NOW. WHO SHALL I SAY IS CALLING?

JIM? M-MAY I ASK WHAT
THIS IS IN REFERENCE TO?

OH, I'M SORRY. I-I HAPPEN TO KNOW
SHE HAS A LUNCH DATE FOR TODAY.

THAT'S RIGHT, YEAH. YEAH,
WELL, I'LL TELL HER. YEAH.

WHO WAS THAT? A GUY NAMED JIM.

I HAD A LUNCH DATE WITH HIM.

WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I TOLD HIM
YOU ALREADY HAD A DATE WITH ME.

YOU KNOW, WES, I THINK WE OUGHT
TO HAVE A LITTLE TALK. WHAT ABOUT?

WELL, WES, YOU AND I ARE GOING TO BE
WORKING TOGETHER VERY CLOSELY, YOU KNOW.

I MEAN, I'M GONNA GET PERSONAL PHONE
CALLS, YOU'LL GET PERSONAL PHONE CALLS...

NO, I-I-I DON'T TAKE PERSONAL
PHONE CALLS IN THE OFFICE, MARY.

UH-HUH. WELL, WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY,
WES, IS THAT BECAUSE WE ARE WORKING...

I UNDERSTAND. I
UNDERSTAND, MARY.

NOW YOU-YOU CALL THIS GUY JIM BACK AND TELL
HIM YOU'LL... YOU'LL HAVE LUNCH WITH HIM.

GO AHEAD. TELL HIM YOU'LL
HAVE LUNCH WITH HIM TODAY. OKAY.

YOU AND I'LL HAVE
DINNER TONIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, MURRAY. OH, MAR.

WES ASKED ME TO TELL YOU NOT
TO GO. HE WANTS TO SEE YOU FIRST.

HE'S DOWN WITH
CHUCKLES. IT SEEMS THAT

CHUCKLES IS TRAPPED
IN THIS GIANT COOKIE JAR,

AND WES IS TRYING
TO FIGURE A WAY OUT.

BOY, I WISH I COULD
FIGURE A WAY OUT.

OH, THAT THING WITH WES IS
GETTING COMPLICATED, HUH?

OH, MURRAY, IT'S SO MIXED UP.

I MEAN, I'M REALLY GLAD THAT
HE'S WORKING HERE, YOU KNOW.

BUT THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS HE'S
BEEN DRIVING ME RIGHT UP THE WALLS.

WELL, MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO
TRY TALKING TO HIM ABOUT IT.

I CAN'T. EVERY TIME I DO, HE GETS
THIS HURT, SAD LOOK IN HIS EYES,

LIKE WHEN BAMBI LOST HIS MOTHER.

OH, COME ON. YOU'VE ALWAYS HAD TROUBLE
WITH THAT. YOU CAN'T BE ANGRY WITH ANYBODY.

YOU'RE AFRAID TO SHOW ANYBODY THAT
YOU HAVE ANY NEGATIVE FEELINGS ABOUT THEM.

YOU'RE A PUSHOVER, MARY, BECAUSE PEOPLE
KNOW YOU'LL NEVER BE ANGRY WITH THEM.

- I DO SO GET ANGRY.
- OH, COME ON. LET'S JUST FORGET IT.

HAVE YOU GOT SOME GUM?
YEAH, I HAVE GUM, MURRAY.

I'VE GOT TWO PIECES OF
GUM, AND I WANT THEM BOTH.

AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO TELL YOU
THAT I AM NOT GIVING YOU ANY,

BECAUSE I AM SICK AND TIRED OF YOU
ALWAYS BUMMING GUM FROM ME, MURRAY.

NEVER EVEN THINKING TO GO OUT AND BUY
YOURSELF A PACKAGE FOR YOUR OWN SELF,

BECAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS SO
SURE THAT YOU'RE GONNA GET MINE.

WELL, THIS TIME
YOU'RE WRONG, MURRAY.

YES, I HAVE GUM. IT IS
SUGARLESS CHERRY.

YES, MURRAY, SUGARLESS CHERRY.
YOUR VERY FAVORITE, MOST BELOVED KIND.

AND I AM NOT AFRAID TO TELL YOU
THAT YOU ARE NOT GETTING ANY!

THANKS.

AH, BURNING THE
OLD 7:00 OIL, HUH?

I'M JUST WAITING FOR WES. YEAH, ME TOO.
HE WANTED TO SEE ME ABOUT SOMETHING.

- HI.
- WES. BE RIGHT WITH YOU.

ALL RIGHT. MARY, GIVE ME A COUPLE OF
MINUTES AND WE'LL GO OUT AND CELEBRATE.

CELEBRATE? YEAH, WELL, I GOT
THIS IDEA I'M ABOUT TO PITCH TO LOU.

AND IF HE BUYS IT,
WELL, WE'LL CELEBRATE.

MAYBE I OUGHT TO TRY
IT OUT ON YOU FIRST.

NAH. IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, IT'LL RUIN
MY CONFIDENCE WHEN I GO IN THERE.

WES, MAYBE I'LL LIKE IT. WELL, I'D
SURE LIKE TO TRY IT OUT ON SOMEBODY.

- WELL?
- OKAY. LET ME
BOUNCE IT OFF YOU.

BUT DON'T REACT. I MEAN,
DON'T REACT IN ANY WAY.

I MEAN, DON'T-DON'T BE,
LIKE, POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE.

- JUST, YOU KNOW,
JUST LIKE THAT.
- OKAY.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, I
WON'T KNOW, AND I'LL BE

FINE WHEN I GO IN. I WON'T
LOSE MY CONFIDENCE.

- ALL RIGHT.
- ALL RIGHT. HERE'S THE IDEA. DON'T REACT.

MY IDEA IS TO DO THE NEWS
SHOW RIGHT FROM HERE.

YOU KNOW, INFORMAL. EVERYBODY GOIN' ABOUT
THEIR JOB JUST LIKE THEY DO EVERY DAY.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, FOR EXAMPLE,
IF A... IF A BULLETIN COMES IN,

SOMEONE JUST TAKES IT OVER AND
GIVES IT TO TED AND HE READS IT ON THE AIR.

JUST INFORMAL LIKE WE DO EVERY
DAY LIKE THAT, AND THAT'S MY IDEA.

AND YOU HATE IT. I CAN TELL
BY THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE.

YOU THINK IT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA. I
CAN TELL BY THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE.

WHAT LOOK ON MY FACE? WES,
THERE WAS NO LOOK ON MY FACE.

YOU SAID NOT TO HAVE A LOOK
ON MY FACE AND THERE WAS NONE.

YEAH, BUT IF YOU REALLY LIKED IT,
YOU'D HAVE HAD A LOOK ON YOUR FACE.

WES, I DID LIKE IT.
YOU DIDN'T LOVE IT.

YES, I LOVE IT. NOT A LOT.

- WES, YOU WANT TO COME IN NOW?
- WELL, I HAD THIS IDEA, BUT
YOU MIGHT AS WELL FORGET IT.

MARY HATES IT. YOU SHOULD
HAVE SEEN THE LOOK ON HER FACE.

OH, WES, THAT WAS
SUCH A GOOD DINNER.

WELL, I DESERVED IT, IF I MAY SAY SO
MYSELF. YOU MAY SAY SO YOURSELF.

OH, BOY, THEY SAY
HAPPINESS DOESN'T LAST.

WELL, I'VE BEEN HAPPY FOR
THREE HOURS AND 45 MINUTES,

EVER SINCE LOU
SAID HE LIKED MY IDEA.

I MEAN, HE ACTUALLY LIKED
IT. I TOLD YOU HE WOULD.

I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE
WE'RE GONNA DO IT.

WES, I JUST WISH YOU WOULD REALIZE
YOUR OWN TERRIFICNESS. I CAN'T FIND MY KEY.

OH, FORGET YOUR KEY.
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

I FEEL SO TERRIFIC, SO
CONFIDENT NOW THAT,

WELL, THERE'S SOMETHING
I WANT TO ASK YOU.

OH, WES, WHY LOOK FOR WAYS
TO BRING YOURSELF DOWN?

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, WHY
BRING UP ANOTHER SUBJECT.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST ENJOY THE GREAT
THING THAT HAPPENED TO YOU TODAY, YOU KNOW,

INSTEAD OF ASKING ME
SOME DUMB QUESTION.

OH, THAT QUESTION. YOU THINK I'M
GONNA ASK THAT QUESTION, DON'T YOU?

WELL, I'M NOT GONNA
ASK YOU THAT QUESTION.

MY QUESTION IS A COMPLETELY
DIFFERENT QUESTION ENTIRELY.

MY QUESTION IS...
WILL YOU MARRY ME?

- THAT WAS YOUR QUESTION
TOO, WASN'T IT?
- OH, WES.

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO MARRY
ME, YOU DON'T HAVE TO MARRY ME.

IT WON'T BE THE FIRST TIME SOMEONE
DIDN'T MARRY ME. IT WON'T BE THE LAST.

BOY, GOOD OLD WES CALLISON.
EVERYBODY JUST WIPES THEIR FEET ON HIM.

OH, WES, WHY DO
YOU ALWAYS DO THIS?

YOU GO OUT OF YOUR WAY
TO MAKE YOURSELF MISERABLE.

I DON'T THINK YOU EVEN
WANT TO MARRY ME ANYWAY.

I THINK YOU JUST ASKED ME THAT SO I WOULD
SAY NO SO THAT YOU COULD FEEL MISERABLE.

NO PSYCHOLOGY. I DON'T
WANT TO HEAR PSYCHOLOGY.

IT'S NOT. [Rhoda] WELL, HERE I AM
HOME AGAIN AFTER A HARD DAY'S WORK.

OH, AND HERE ARE
THOSE STAIRS AGAIN.

WELL, I THINK I'D BETTER
JUST START UP THE STAIRS.

[Footsteps Approaching] YES, I AM
NOW CLIMBING UP THE STAIRS.

WELL, HI, WES. WHAT A SURPRISE.

HIYA, MARY. OH, WHAT A
BEAUTIFUL DAY TODAY, HUH?

I AM READING THE MOST
SPELLBINDING BOOK.

AND I WOULD LOVE TO STAY
HERE AND CHAT WITH YOU TWO,

BUT I HAVE TO GO RIGHT
UPSTAIRS AND FINISH IT.

[Footsteps Receding]

WELL, ARE YOU THROUGH
PSYCHOANALYZING ME OR CAN I GO NOW?

NO, WES. I THINK YOU
SHOULD STAY SO THAT WE CAN

SAY WHATEVER IT IS WE
HAVE TO SAY TO EACH OTHER.

[Rhoda] I AM NOW COMING
DOWN THE STAIRS AGAIN.

BECAUSE, LIKE A FOOL,
I LEFT MY GROCERIES

IN THE CAR. I AM NOW
COMING DOWN THE STAIRS.

WES, WILL YOU PLEASE COME
INSIDE SO THAT WE CAN TALK?

NO, I'M GONNA GO. I'M
GONNA GET OUT OF HERE.

I HOPE I LOSE MY JOB SO I
NEVER HAVE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING? YOU'RE
THE WORST PERSON I EVER PROPOSED TO.

I AM NOT DISCUSSING THIS.

I AM SIMPLY INSERTING MY KEY INTO
THE LOCK AND SAYING GOOD NIGHT, RHODA.

GOOD NIGHT, RHODA.

DO YOU MIND IF I RUSH DOWN THE
STREET AND GET HIM ON THE REBOUND?

KIDDING. I'M KIDDING.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, WE'RE
ON THE AIR IN FIVE MINUTES.

OUT OF MY CHAIR, MURR.

UH, TED, DON'T PUT YOUR GUM UNDER THE DESK
AND DON'T PLAY WITH THE TYPEWRITER KEYS.

I LIKE IT. IT'S GONNA HAVE
THE FEEL OF A NEWSROOM.

YEAH, WASN'T IT A
TERRIFIC IDEA WES HAD?

HEY, WHERE IS THAT SON
OF A GUN ANYWAY, MAR?

I DON'T KNOW. I HAVEN'T
SEEN HIM ALL DAY.

ALL RIGHT, REMEMBER TO
JUST RELAX AND BE NATURAL.

JUST PRETEND WE'RE NOT
EVEN HERE, RIGHT? RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

- HI, EVERYBODY.
- HI, WES.

- HI, MARY.
- HE'S BOMBED.

HEY, WES, THAT WAS A TERRIFIC IDEA
YOU HAD. IT'S GREAT FOR MY IMAGE.

THE BEST THING THAT COULD
HAPPEN TO ME. IT AIN'T GONNA WORK.

WHAT? NOTHING IN MY LIFE WORKS.

WHY SHOULD THIS WORK?
IT ISN'T GONNA WORK.

LOU. LOU, WHY ISN'T
IT GOING TO WORK?

DON'T WORRY, TED. DON'T WORRY.
IT'S GONNA WORK. IT'S GONNA WORK.

WHY ISN'T IT GONNA WORK?

ASK HER. SHE THINKS
SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING.

IT'S GOING TO WORK.
IT'S A GREAT IDEA.

YEAH, YEAH. COME ON, WES. COME ON.
JUST SIT RIGHT DOWN HERE AND RELAX.

FAT LOT YOU KNOW, MARY.

ALL RIGHT, TED, WE'LL OPEN ON A
SHOT OF YOU WORKING ON A STORY.

THEN YOU'LL SWING AROUND
AND LOOK RIGHT INTO THE CAMERA.

IF YOU THINK OF IT, YOU MIGHT INTRODUCE
SOME OF THE OTHER PEOPLE AROUND YOU...

AND LET THE FOLKS AT HOME
KNOW WHO THEY ARE. RIGHT.

TWO MINUTES, EVERYBODY. I GOT TO
GO UP TO THE BOOTH NOW. GOOD LUCK.

TWO MINUTES. HERE'S
YOUR COPY, TED.

AH, WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT'S THIS
DATELINE ETHIOPIA DOING HERE?

I COULDN'T HELP IT, TED. THERE
WAS AN EARTHQUAKE THERE.

IS THAT KING GUY'S
NAME IN HERE? YES, IT IS.

WELL, THEN, THE HECK WITH IT.

TED, THAT'S OUR OPENER. WE'VE
GOT A MINUTE OF FILM ON THAT.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT
IT, MURR. I'LL WING IT.

YOU THINK YOU'RE SO DARN TERRIFIC,
DON'T YOU? THAT EVERYBODY HERE LOVES YOU.

WELL, YOU'RE LOOKING
AT ONE GUY WHO DOESN'T.

[Man On P.A.] I'M PICKING THAT UP IN HERE,
WES. FIVE SECONDS. FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE.

CUE TED.

HI, TED BAXTER HERE.
SIX O'CLOCK NEWS.

IF OUR SET LOOKS A
LITTLE DIFFERENT TONIGHT,

IT'S BECAUSE WE'RE TRYING
SOMETHING A LITTLE DIFFERENT TONIGHT.

WE THOUGHT WE'D BRING YOU OUR
SHOW RIGHT FROM THE NEWSROOM...

TO BRING YOU THE EXCITEMENT
OF THE NEWS AS IT HAPPENS.

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET SOME OF
THE PEOPLE BEHIND THE SCENES.

THIS IS OUR ASSOCIATE
PRODUCER, MARY RICHARDS.

BEST LEGS IN LOCAL TV.

YOU CAN'T SEE THEM NOW. YOU'LL
HAVE TO TAKE MY WORD FOR IT.

OH, HERE'S WES CALLISON,
ONE OF OUR NEW GUYS. MARY...

BUT, AS YOU CAN SEE,
HE'S ALREADY MADE SOME

GOOD FRIENDS HERE,
IF YOU GET WHAT I MEAN.

RIGHT, WES?

UH, LOOK, WES, WHY DON'T
YOU GO BACK TO YOUR DESK...

AND WORK ON THAT STORY WE
WERE DISCUSSING EARLIER, OKAY?

SIT DOWN!

AND OVER HERE IS MURRAY
SLAUGHTER, OUR ACE NEWS WRITER.

YOU WANT TO WAVE
TO THE FOLKS, MURRAY?

OVER HERE IS OUR
PRODUCER, LOU GRANT.

YOU WANT TO COME OUT AND
SAY HI TO THE FOLKS, LOU? [Lou] NO.

COME ON OUT, YOU BIG LUG.
DON'T BE BASHFUL. [Chuckles]

I'D RATHER NOT.

I'M NOT GOING AWAY
TILL YOU SAY HI.

WELL, THAT'S OUR
STAFF. [Clears Throat]

AND NOW THE HEADLINES.

"A MAJOR EARTHQUAKE" SOMEWHERE... MARY,
COULD I TALK TO YOU JUST FOR A MINUTE?

"CONSUMER PRICES RISE
AGAIN BY A RECORD HIGH.

WE'LL PRETEND LIKE WE'RE
TALKING ABOUT THE NEWS. LATER.

"TEACHERS' BILL
PASSED BY CITY COUNCIL.

"THE PRESIDENT ANNOUNCES
NEW PLANS TO FIGHT INFLATION.

"FIVE HUNDRED
FIREFIGHTERS... [Rings]

HALT A BRUSH FIRE IN
HUMBOLDT NATIONAL PARK." [Rings]

UH, THAT'S THE PHONE.

COULD BE A HOT NEWS STORY COMING IN FROM
ONE OF OUR ON-THE-SCENE WJM REPORTERS.

YOU WANT TO ANSWER THAT, MAR,
SO WE CAN I LISTEN IN? NEWSROOM.

HI, MARY.

I THINK IT'S FOR ME.

NOW BACK TO THE NEWS.

"DATELINE, WASHINGTON. CONSUMER
PRICES ROSE AGAIN LAST MONTH...

"BY AN ALMOST RECORD HIGH
OF 9/10THS OF ONE PERCENT.

THE LATEST INDEX ADDS UP TO MORE BAD
NEWS FOR THE AMERICAN BUYING PUBLIC."

[High-pitched]
BULLETIN... MR. BAXTER.

I'VE JUST BEEN HANDED THIS BULLETIN
BY MURRAY SLAUGHTER. THANKS, MURR.

THAT'S THE WAY WE DO THINGS AROUND
HERE. BULLETINS RIGHT OFF THE WIRE.

MURRAY BRINGS THEM TO ME SO YOU
GET THE NEWS WHEN WE GET THE NEWS.

AND NOW ON THE LIGHTER SIDE.

OH, YES. UH... THAT'S
DATELINE, DJAKARTA.

THAT'S DATELINE, DJAKARTA!

"AMERICAN VICE-CONSUL ROBERT
DILLINGHAM WAS RELEASED UNHARMED...

BY INDONESIAN TERRORISTS WHO
KIDNAPPED HIM FOUR DAYS AGO."

WELL, THAT'S CERTAINLY
GOOD NEWS, ISN'T IT, GANG?

ISN'T IT, GANG? OH, YES.

OH, HERE'S WES CALLISON TO
BRING ME ANOTHER BULLETIN.

THEY'RE COMING FAST
AND FURIOUSLY, FOLKS.

"LOOK, I'M SORRY. I REALIZE
I'VE MADE SOME MISTAKES.

BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I STILL CARE ABOUT

YOU, AND I HOPE WE
CAN STILL BE FRIENDS."

WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE ON THAT STORY
RIGHT AFTER THIS COMMERCIAL MESSAGE.

[Man On P.A.] WE'RE
INTO COMMERCIAL, TED.

HEY, I THINK IT'S GOING PRETTY
GOOD SO FAR, DON'T YOU?

UNTIL TOMORROW, THIS IS TED BAXTER
SAYING GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD NEWS.

[Man On P.A.] ALL RIGHT,
TED, WE'RE OFF THE AIR.

HEY, LOU, I THOUGHT IT WENT
PRETTY TERRIFIC, DIDN'T YOU?

NO, I DIDN'T, TED. YEAH, YOU'RE
RIGHT. IT BOMBED, DIDN'T IT?

SORRY YOU BOMBED, WES.

NO, IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT,
WES. THANKS, MURRAY.

[Lou] WES. LISTEN,
I'M... I'M SORRY, LOU.

NO. NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
NOBODY CAN BLAME YOU.

I LIKED THE IDEA MYSELF.

OF COURSE, I WOULD HAVE NEVER LIKED
THE IDEA IF YOU HADN'T BROUGHT IT UP.

ANYWAY, UH, WE TRIED
SOMETHING AND IT DIDN'T WORK.

WELL, DON'T FEEL BAD. I'LL PROBABLY
GO BACK TO CHUCKLES ANYWAY.

OH, FINE. FINE.

HEY, WES, THAT WAS REALLY A LOVELY
NOTE YOU SENT ME. WELL, THANK YOU, MARY.

HEY, I GOT AN IDEA. WHY DON'T YOU
AND I GO OUT AND HAVE, UH, D-DINNER?

NOW, LOOK, I DON'T WANT YOU
FEELING SORRY FOR ME, MARY.

IT'S NOT THE END OF THE
WORLD. I STILL HAVE CHUCKLES.

I JUST DON'T WANT YOU
FEELING SORRY FOR ME.

WES, I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO HAVE DINNER
WITH YOU. BUT YOU FEEL SORRY FOR ME.

THAT'S WHY YOU'RE ASKING ME TO HAVE DINNER,
'CAUSE YOU FEEL SORRY FOR ME, RIGHT?

WELL... YES.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH
FOR ME. LET'S GO TO DINNER.

OKAY.

[Mews]