Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 4, Episode 11 - Just Friends - full transcript

♪ WHO CAN TURN THE
WORLD ON WITH HER SMILE ♪

♪ WHO CAN TAKE A NOTHING DAY ♪

♪ AND SUDDENLY MAKE IT
ALL SEEM WORTHWHILE ♪

♪ WELL, IT'S YOU, GIRL
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW IT ♪

♪ WITH EACH GLANCE AND EVERY
LITTLE MOVEMENT YOU SHOW IT ♪

♪ LOVE IS ALL AROUND
NO NEED TO WASTE IT ♪

♪ YOU CAN HAVE THE TOWN
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪♪

I HOPE MR. GRANT
LIKES THIS CEREAL.

IT'S WHOLE GROUND WHEAT
WITH RAW NUTS AND RAISINS.



TED, YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME.

THAT'S HEALTH FOOD CEREAL.
THEY DON'T PUT PRIZES IN IT.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU MADE
LOU'S BREAKFAST FOR HIM, MARY.

STARTING TOMORROW INCLUDE
YOUR ANCHORMAN IN THAT, WILL YA?

I LIKE COCOA PUFFS, KABOOM AND
ANYTHING THEY SHOOT OUT OF A CANNON.

NO, TED, I'M NOT GONNA MAKE
YOUR BREAKFAST FOR YOU.

I VOLUNTEERED TO DO THIS
FOR MR. GRANT BECAUSE...

WELL, SINCE MRS. GRANT LEFT HIM, HE HASN'T
BEEN HANDLING THINGS LIKE MEALS TOO WELL.

WASN'T EATING HIS BREAKFAST?
WELL, HIS VERSION OF BREAKFAST.

A BOTTLE OF BEER AND SOME OREOS.

IS HE STILL COMING OVER
EVERY NIGHT, MAR? YEAH.

WELL, YOU KNOW, HE JUST DOESN'T
KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH HIMSELF.

I MEAN, HE AND MRS. GRANT
WERE MARRIED FOR 26 YEARS,

AND HE'S JUST NOT
MAKING IT ON HIS OWN.



I MEAN, EVEN THINGS LIKE WAKING
UP IN THE MORNING, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, HE WAS OVERSLEEPING EVERY MORNING
UNTIL I STARTED GIVING HIM A WAKE-UP CALL.

YOU MISSED ONE, TED.

GOOD MORNING, LOU.
OH, MORNING, LOU.

HEY, SHOULDN'T YOU BE WEARING A
LONG RED SUIT AND GOING, "HO-HO-HO"?

- SORRY, LOU.
- RIGHT, MURR.

MARY, IN MY OFFICE.

SOMETHING WRONG, MR. GRANT?

MARY, YOU'VE GOT
TO FIND ME A LAUNDRY.

MY WASHER AND DRYER BROKE,
AND IT'S REACHED THE POINT...

WHERE THIS IS THE ONLY SHIRT THAT
STILL LOOKS GOOD IN THE WHOLE HOUSE.

MR. GRANT, COULD YOU
MOVE THE BAG? OH, YEAH.

YOU WANT ME TO FIND A
REPAIR SERVICE FOR YOU?

NO, THANKS. I'VE CALLED A
REPAIR SERVICE. WHAT'D THEY SAY?

"THE MAN SHOULD BE THERE SOMETIME
BETWEEN 9:00 AND 6:00," THEY SAY.

"OH, HOW CONVENIENT," I SAY. "THAT
EXACTLY COINCIDES WITH MY WORKING HOURS."

THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE THEY
DO WHEN YOU'RE WORKING?

THEY SAY THEY'LL SEND
A MAN OVER AT NOON.

SO AT NOON YOU RACE HOME AND YOU
FIND A NOTE SAYING, "SORRY WE MISSED YOU."

IT'S TOO MUCH.

MARY, YOU MISS MY POINT. I'M NOT HERE TO
SWAP STORIES OVER THE BACK FENCE WITH YOU.

- I WANT TO GET MY LAUNDRY DONE.
- I WILL FIND YOU A LAUNDRY.

ALL RIGHT, THANKS. AND, MARY,
THAT WAS FAVOR NUMBER ONE.

NOW WE'RE UP TO
FAVOR NUMBER TWO.

YEAH. SURE.

COULD YOU SORT OF
CASUALLY DROP IN ON EDIE...

AND THEN COME BACK AND TELL
ME HOW SHE'S GETTING ALONG?

OH, MR. GRANT. NO. YOU
WANT ME TO SPY ON HER?

[Giggling] OH, MARY!

I'M NOT ASKING
YOU TO SPY ON HER.

I WOULDN'T ASK
YOU TO SPY ON HER.

I'M JUST SAYING,
COULD YOU VISIT HER...

AND THEN SECRETLY REPORT BACK
TO ME EVERYTHING YOU FIND OUT?

ONE SLICE OF BANANA?

MR. GRANT, I DON'T
WANT TO DO THIS, A LOT.

I MEAN, I JUST DON'T
WANT TO BE IN THE MIDDLE.

LOOK, MARY, YOU'RE NOT
GONNA BE IN THE MIDDLE.

I'M REALLY WORRIED.

SHE'S OUT THERE ALONE SOMEWHERE,
WITHOUT A MASTER CHARGE.

- I JUST WANT TO KNOW HOW SHE IS.
- BUT I'M SURE SHE'S JUST FINE.

WOULD YOU GO IF THERE WAS A
REALLY IMPORTANT REASON TO SEE EDIE?

YES, OF COURSE I WOULD,
BUT THERE'S NOTHING LIKE THAT.

HOW ABOUT THIS LETTER, WITH A
STAMP OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA,

WHICH MUST GO THROUGH.

THERE'S CASH IN THERE.

YEAH, TWO CENTS
FROM READER'S DIGEST.

SETTING ONE PLACE FOR DINNER?

I MEAN, NO PLACE FOR LOU? YOU'RE
DREAMING. OH, RHODA, I HOPE NOT.

BUT HE SAID HE WASN'T COMING
OVER FOR DINNER TONIGHT.

MARY, HE ALWAYS SAYS HE
ISN'T COMING OVER TONIGHT.

I MEAN, EVERY NIGHT HE'S COME
OVER, HE'S SAID HE'S NOT COMING OVER.

HEY, LISTEN, I WANT TO ASK YOU A TOUGH
QUESTION, AND I WANT YOU TO BE TRUTHFUL.

THAT QUESTION.

WELL, THE ANSWER TO
THAT IS, WHEN I WAS 20.

- AND NO, NO, NOT AT FIRST.
- NO, NO...

BUT THEN LATER... RHODA,
WAIT. THAT'S NOT MY QUESTION.

MY QUESTION IS, MR. GRANT WANTS ME TO
SEE MRS. GRANT AS A KIND OF A GO-BETWEEN.

DO YOU THINK I SHOULD?

YOU CALL THAT A TOUGH QUESTION?
THAT'S NOT A TOUGH QUESTION.

A TOUGH QUESTION IS, IF YOU AND PAUL
NEWMAN WERE STRANDED ON A DESERT ISLAND,

AND HE HAD AMNESIA,

WOULD YOU TELL HIM HE WAS
MARRIED TO JOANNE WOODWARD?

THAT IS A TOUGH QUESTION. IN ANSWER
TO YOUR QUESTION, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

- YOU'LL ONLY GET IN THE MIDDLE.
- YEAH. I KNOW. I KNOW.

BUT I JUST KEEP THINKING MAYBE IT
WOULD HELP GET THEM BACK TOGETHER.

- I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
ANYTHING THAT WORKS.
- YEAH.

LITTLE DID YOU KNOW THAT WHEN THEY
SPLIT UP, YOU'D GET CUSTODY OF LOU.

LISTEN, RHODA, IF HE DOES
COME OVER, WOULD YOU STAY?

SURE, I'LL STAY.
LISTEN, HE'S CUTE.

I LOVE HOW HE LUMBERS IN HERE
WONDERIN' ABOUT HIS DINNER.

HE WALKS IN THAT DOOR
EVERY NIGHT AT 8:00,

DUMPS HIS LIFE IN MY LAP
AND THEN LEAVES AT 11:00.

I MEAN, I... I DON'T EVEN
GO OUT AT NIGHT ANYMORE.

I CAN'T STAND THE THOUGHT OF HIM KNOCKING
AT THAT DOOR AND NOT GETTING ANY ANSWER.

HELLO? HELLO? [Doorbell Buzzes]

OH, GOOD. DADDY'S
HOME! HOORAY! HOORAY!

REALLY CUTE.

MR. GRANT! WELL,
WELL. HI, MARY. RHODA.

HI, LOU. WON'T YOU COME IN?

OH, BOY, ROUGH
DAY AT THE OFFICE.

IS IT GOOD TO BE HOME.

AND IT'S REALLY GOOD TO HAVE
YOU HERE IN MY APARTMENT.

SO WHAT'S FOR DINNER?
DON'T TELL ME. IT'S HAM.

I COULD SMELL IT ALL
THE WAY UP THE STAIRS.

I SAID TO MYSELF, "I KNOW
MARY'S MAKIN' HAM." SMELLS GREAT.

WELL, THANK YOU,
BUT IT'S RED SNAPPER.

RED SNAPPER?

THAT'S NOT A KIND OF HAM,
MARY. THAT'S A KIND OF FISH.

WELL, YES. I KNOW.

RED SNAPPER'S A FISH. MM-HMM.

YOU DIDN'T TELL ME WE
WERE HAVING FISH, MARY.

- DON'T YOU LIKE FISH, LOU?
- FISH HAS BONES IN IT.

OH, NOW, LISTEN, YOU
PICK AROUND THE BONES.

THAT'S HOW THAT'S DONE.
YOU JUST PICK AROUND THEM.

I JUST THOUGHT WE WERE
HAVING HAM, THAT'S ALL.

LOU, I KNOW I AM
SPEAKING FOR MARY...

MAR, I HOPE THIS IS ALL RIGHT.

MARY COULD TAKE THE
BONES OUT OF YOUR FISH...

BEFORE SHE EVEN
SERVES YOU YOUR FISH.

SHE COULD DO THAT, LOU.
COULDN'T YOU DO THAT, MARY?

I COULD DO THAT, MR. GRANT.

WELL, EITHER WAY, I JUST THOUGHT
WE WERE HAVING HAM, THAT'S ALL.

WHAT ELSE ARE WE
HAVING? WHAT VEGETABLES?

CORN. CORN?

OHH. WELL, CORN'S OKAY. I'M
NOT IN LOVE WITH CORN, BUT...

WHAT ELSE? WELL, I THOUGHT
WE'D HAVE A BIG MIXED...

OH, CORN IS MORE THAN
OKAY. NO, CORN'S FINE.

- GOOD CHOICE, MARY. CORN.
- WHAT A RELIEF.

SO, WHAT KIND OF DAY
DID YOU HAVE, RHODA?

OH, ME, LOU? A GOOD
DAY. VERY NICE, THANK YOU.

WHAT KIND OF DAY
DID YOU HAVE, MARY?

YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF DAY I HAD.

WELL, MAYBE RHODA WOULD
LIKE TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID.

YES. MARY, WHAT
DID YOU DO TODAY?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT SHE DID.

HER BOSS, HER FRIEND,

ASKED HER TO DO
HIM A LITTLE FAVOR...

JUST A SMALL FAVOR...
TO GO SEE HIS WIFE.

AND SHE SAID SHE WOULDN'T.

WE WENT THROUGH ALL THAT TODAY. DO
WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH IT AGAIN NOW?

LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO GET
IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR FIGHT.

ONE OF YOU SIGN MY REPORT
CARD. I'M GOIN' TO MY ROOM.

HEY, WHAT TIME IS IT? THERE'S
A GOOD FIGHT ON TV TONIGHT.

OH, GEE, MR. GRANT. I REALLY
DON'T FEEL LIKE WATCHING A FIGHT.

LOU, WHY DON'T YOU GO UPSTAIRS
AND WATCH THE FIGHT ON MY TV?

HEY, I DON'T HAVE TO SEE IT, IF YOU
TWO WANT TO WATCH SOMETHIN' ELSE.

NO, THAT'S OKAY, REALLY. IF WE WANT TO
WATCH SOMETHING, WE'LL WATCH IT AT RHODA'S.

SHE'S GOT THIS LITTLE...
WHAT IS IT? TUMMY TV.

YEAH?

IT'S GOT A LITTLE
SCREEN ABOUT THAT BIG.

LAST NIGHT I WATCHED TORA! TORA!
TORA! HOWEVER, ALL I GOT WAS TORA! TOR...

HEY, I... NO, I DON'T WANT
TO PUT YOU TWO OUT.

WHY DON'T I GO WATCH THE
FIGHTS AT A BAR OR SOMETHING?

NO, MR. GRANT. I DON'T WANT YOU
SITTING ALONE IN SOME DUMB BAR.

I WANT YOU STAYING HOME TONIGHT.

I MEAN, HERE IN MY...

BECAUSE THIS ISN'T
YOUR... THIS IS MY...

I'LL SEE MRS. GRANT
TOMORROW. I WILL.

I WILL DO THAT. OH, YES. I WILL.

SURE.

WELL, MARY, HELLO. HELLO.

I WAS SO GLAD WHEN YOU CALLED.

WELL, LISTEN, I REALLY CAN
ONLY STAY A LITTLE WHILE.

I MOSTLY WAS JUST
WONDERING HOW YOU ARE.

HOW SWEET OF
YOU. WELL, THIS IS IT.

WON'T YOU COME IN?

WELL, YES, OKAY, BUT, REALLY,
JUST FOR A MINUTE. JUST...

EVERYTHING HERE IS AN "ETTE."

THIS IS A KITCHENETTE,
A DINETTE.

WOULD YOU CARE FOR
A DRINK-ETTE? [Laughs]

IT'S REALLY GREAT. YOU
KNOW, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU.

THANKS. I KIND OF THOUGHT
IT DID TOO. HAS MY EYES.

[Nervous Laughing]

SO, HOW ARE YOU?

TONIGHT, PRETTY GOOD.

GOOD. COME SIT DOWN, MARY.

IT'S REALLY NICE
OF YOU TO DROP BY,

ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU'RE SO
MUCH CLOSER TO LOU THAN TO ME.

OH, NO. I... I LIKE TO THINK
THAT I'M CLOSE TO BOTH OF YOU.

REALLY, MRS... EDIE.

VERY CLOSE.

HOW'S LOU?

- FINE.
- YOU KNOW, I MISS HIM.

I'D LIKE TO CALL AND
INVITE HIM TO DINNER,

BUT I'M AFRAID HE'D TAKE IT WRONG,
READ ALL SORTS OF THINGS INTO IT.

LIKE I WANT TO GET BACK
TOGETHER AGAIN OR SOMETHING.

MAYBE YOU COULD... NO. NO, I DON'T
WANT TO PUT YOU IN THE MIDDLE.

OH, WELL... NO... GO...

PUT ME IN THE
MIDDLE. I MEAN, REALLY.

WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL ABOUT
BEING PUT IN THE MIDDLE?

- WHAT NIGHT WOULD YOU
LIKE HIM TO COME OVER?
- WELL, HOW ABOUT THURSDAY?

I'LL ASK HIM.

[Doorbell Rings] EXCUSE ME.

SURE.

TED! HELLO. MURRAY. HELLO, EDIE.

- HI, EDIE.
- WHAT ARE YOU GUYS
DOING HERE?

EDIE, I'M HERE BECAUSE I KNEW MARY
CAME TO TALK TO YOU, AND I SAID TO MYSELF,

"WHY DOES SHE ALWAYS
GET TO BE THE GOOD ONE?"

AND I'M HERE TO SEE TO IT THAT
TED DOESN'T STAY TOO LONG.

WELL, COME ON IN. CAN
I GET YOU ANYTHING?

NO. NO, THANKS.
ARE YOU SURE, MARY?

YES, REALLY. I'LL
HAVE A CREAM SODA.

TALL GLASS, LOTS OF ICE
AND A TWIST OF LEMON.

I DON'T THINK I HAVE CREAM SODA.

WOULD YOU TAKE
GINGER ALE INSTEAD?

NEVER MIND.

EDIE, I'M GOING TO COME
RIGHT TO THE POINT.

LOU IS HEAVILY INVOLVED...

WITH A FRENCH SHOWGIRL
NAMED BRIGITTE DUBOIS.

AND IF YOU DON'T MAKE YOUR MOVE PRETTY
SOON, YOU'RE GONNA LOSE HIM FOREVER.

TED! TED, PHONE CALL FOR YOU.

OH, EXCUSE ME. I'LL
HAVE THAT GINGER ALE.

YOU ARE JUST MAKING
MATTERS WORSE.

NOW, LOOK, I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT TO YOU
NOW, BUT I WILL LATER AT THE OFFICE, OKAY?

I GOT YA. GOT YA. HELLO.

THERE'S NO PHONE
CALL EITHER? NO.

UH, TELL MR. CRONKITE I CAN'T
SPEAK TO HIM NOW. I'LL CALL HIM BACK.

EDIE, I WAS OUT OF LINE
WITH WHAT I SAID BEFORE...

BECAUSE IT WASN'T THE TRUTH.

THE REAL TRUTH IS, LOU IS
READY TO CRAWL BACK TO YOU.

THE MAN WILL GET DOWN ON HIS KNEES
AND HANDS AND CRAWL BACK TO YOU,

BEGGING YOUR FORGIVENESS,
IF YOU'LL ONLY TAKE HIM BACK.

AH, COME ON, EDIE. BE A SPORT.

TELEGRAM, TED.

ALL RIGHT. SO I'M NOT THE MOST
DIPLOMATIC PERSON IN THE WORLD.

BUT I CARE.

EDIE, I KNOW I SPEAK FOR
ALL OF US WHEN I SAY...

ALL WE WANT IS FOR YOU TWO CRAZY KIDS TO
SIT DOWN AND AT LEAST TALK THIS THING OVER.

ALL RIGHT, TED.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

MARY, WHY DON'T YOU ASK LOU TO COME
HERE FOR DINNER THURSDAY EVENING?

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, EDIE.

THERE.

AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS GONNA COME
HERE AND JUST MAKE A FOOL OF MYSELF.

MORNING. MORNING, LOU.

OH, MR. GRANT! I
SAW EDIE LAST NIGHT.

OH, YEAH? THAT'S NICE. YEAH.

MURRAY, LET'S TRY TO GET THOSE
DEMOGRAPHIC CHARTS OUT BY TONIGHT.

YEAH, LOU.

OH, MARY, COULD YOU COME
IN FOR A MINUTE, PLEASE?

WHAT'D SHE DO? WHAT'D
SHE SAY? HOW'D SHE ACT?

WAIT.

OKAY. WHAT'D SHE DO? WHAT'D
SHE SAY? HOW'D SHE ACT? WAIT.

START AT THE BEGINNING. YOU
GOT THERE. ALL RIGHT. I GOT THERE...

WAIT. START WITH
WHEN YOU CALLED.

ALL RIGHT. I
CALLED... YEAH. WAIT.

MR. GRANT! WILL YOU PLEASE
LET ME TELL IT MY OWN WAY?

I WILL TELL YOU
EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED.

I'LL START AT THE
BEGINNING, OKAY? OKAY.

I CALLED AND SAID
THAT I'D LIKE TO DROP BY.

- WHAT'D SHE SAY?
- SHE SAID, "FINE."
- UH-HUH, UH-HUH.

AND I SAID, "ALL RIGHT
THEN. I'LL SEE YOU LATER."

- WHAT DID SHE SAY?
- SHE SAID, "FINE."

UH-HUH, UH-HUH, UH-HUH.

LOOK, MARY.

SEE, WHAT I'M ACTUALLY
LOOKING FOR IS SOMETHING LIKE,

YOU SAID SOMETHING, AND
EDIE SUDDENLY SCREAMED OUT,

"OH, MY LOU! I LOVE
HIM SO! I CAN'T STAND IT.

I CANNOT STAND LIVING
WITHOUT HIM ANYMORE."

- WAS THERE ANYTHING
ALONG THOSE LINES?
- WELL, NO.

I SEE.

WELL, I WENT OVER
TO HER APARTMENT.

UH... UH... WHAT DID IT
LOOK LIKE... HER APARTMENT?

OH, VERY NICE, VERY COMFORTABLE.

UH... BUT WHAT DID IT LOOK LIKE?

WELL, IT... IT LOOKED, UH, AIRY.

NICE COUCH, FLUFFY
PILLOWS. YEAH.

OH, THERE... THERE WAS A
QUEEN ANNE DESK, A REPLICA.

OR MAYBE IT WAS LOUIS XIV.

NO, I THINK IT WAS MOST
LIKELY QUEEN ANNE,

'CAUSE I ALWAYS GET THOSE
TWO PERIODS MIXED UP.

WHAT DID IT LOOK LIKE?

DID IT LOOK LIKE THE
APARTMENT OF A WOMAN...

WHO'S GONNA STAY THERE BRIEFLY
AND THEN MOVE BACK TO HER HUSBAND?

DID IT LOOK LIKE THE APARTMENT OF SOMEONE
WHO'S GOING TO BE THERE FOR A WHILE...

AND WANTS TO MAKE IT MORE
ATTRACTIVE FOR ANOTHER MAN?

WHAT AM I SAYING? [Chuckling]

EDIE'S NOT GOIN' AROUND
WITH ANOTHER MAN.

IS SHE?

- MARY?
- MR. GRANT, THE SUBJECT
NEVER CAME UP.

HOW WOULD I KNOW? I DON'T.

MARY, YOU WERE IN THE
WOMAN'S APARTMENT.

THERE ARE SIGNS.
THERE ARE HINTS.

- WELL...
- WAS THERE A GUY LYING ON THE COUCH?

MR. GRANT, IF SHE WERE
SEEING ANOTHER MAN,

WOULD SHE WANT YOU TO COME
OVER TO DINNER THIS THURSDAY, 7:30?

SHE... SHE WANTS ME TO COME
TO DINNER THURSDAY NIGHT?

SO THERE ISN'T ANOTHER MAN.

HEH. [Giggling]

WELL, WELL, WELL.
THURSDAY NIGHT?

FORTUNATELY, I'M FREE.

YOU WANTED TO SEE ME, LOU?

UH... YEAH, TED. COME ON IN.

TED,

I'VE ALWAYS NOTICED THAT
YOU REALLY SMELL GOOD.

COME ON, LOU. YOU DIDN'T ASK ME TO
COME IN HERE JUST TO TELL ME I SMELL GOOD.

YES, I DID, TED.
I... I REALLY DID.

UH, I'VE ALWAYS NOTICED THAT
YOU'RE A GUY WHO LOOKS NICE,

DRESSES WELL AND SMELLS GOOD.

COME ON, LOU.

YOU DIDN'T ASK ME TO COME IN TO TELL
ME I LOOK NICE, DRESS WELL, SMELL GOOD...

AND DO A HECK OF A
JOB WITH THE NEWS.

YES, I DID, TED.
I... I REALLY DID.

YOU SEE, TONIGHT IS A
VERY SPECIAL NIGHT FOR ME.

AND TONIGHT I'M PARTICULARLY
INTERESTED IN YOUR SMELL.

LOU, HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN
SINCE YOUR WIFE LEFT YOU?

TED, I JUST WANT TO
BORROW YOUR AFTERSHAVE.

OH. OH, THAT MAKES SENSE.

I'LL GO UP TO MY
DRESSING ROOM AND GET IT.

MR. GRANT, HERE'S THE FILM ON
THAT RAILROAD STORY YOU WANTED.

OH, THANKS. OH, MR. GRANT!

YOU LOOK SO NICE.
LOOK AT YOUR HAIR.

UH... I JUST GOT IT CUT, THAT'S
ALL. WHERE'S MY OTHER CUFF LINK?

WELL, YOU JUST... LOOK,
YOUR TIE, THE SHIRT, YOUR HAIR.

YOU LOOK JUST... WELL, SO NICE.

DO WE HAVE TO KEEP
TALKING ABOUT THIS?

LOU, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAIR?

IT LOOKS ALL ARRANGED.

I... I GOT IT CUT, THAT'S ALL.

AND IT'S COMBED. YOU COMBED
YOUR HAIR. WHAT'S THE BIG OCCASION?

I'M JUST GONNA BE SEEING
EDIE TONIGHT, THAT'S ALL.

OH. HEY, GOOD LUCK, LOU.

REALLY. OKAY, OKAY.

ALL I CAN SAY IS, LOU, MY
HEART WILL BE WITH YOU.

MY THOUGHTS AND HOPES
WILL BE BY YOUR SIDE.

I'M JUST DROPPING BY, THAT'S
ALL. I'M JUST DROPPING BY.

EXCUSE ME. OKAY, TED. THANKS.

WELL, AREN'T YOU
GONNA USE IT, LOU?

THAT'S ALL, TED. THANKS.

HEY, LISTEN, EVERYBODY. I REALLY
HADN'T PLANNED ON DRAWING A CROWD.

WHY DOESN'T EVERYBODY
JUST GO HOME?

GO HOME, EVERYBODY!

[Clears Throat] WELL, I GUESS
I'LL JUST MOSEY ON HOME.

JUST REMEMBER, LOU...

I'LL BE THINKING OF YOU AND
PRAYING AS HARD AS I CAN...

THAT EVERYTHING TURNS OUT RIGHT.

- AND ALSO, TRY TO RELAX.
- [Grunts]

AND HAVE... WELL, JUST HAVE A
WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL EVENING.

OKAY, OKAY. GOOD NIGHT.

[Doorbell Rings]

- LOU.
- WELL, YOU GUESSED IT.

- HELLO, EDIE.
- COME ON IN, LOU.

THANK YOU! HOW SWEET.

I MADE SOMETHING YOU
LIKE, I BET. LASAGNA?

NO, RED SNAPPER.

WELL, LOOK AT THIS PLACE.

WHAT A NICE PLACE
YOU HAVE, EDIE.

I NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D REALLY
LIKE ANY PLACE I GOT FOR MYSELF.

OH, I LIKE IT. I THINK
IT'S FANTASTIC.

VERY, VERY NICE PLACE. YEAH.

I LIKE THE... THE CARPET.

I LIKE THOSE DRAPES.
I LIKE THOSE DRAPES.

HEY, AM I NUTS...

OR IS THAT A QUEEN ANNE DESK?

NICE QUEEN ANNE DESK. THANK YOU.

NICE COUCH. YEAH,
NICE. VERY COMFORTABLE.

WOW, AM I BEAT.

WHY DON'T I JUST SACK
OUT HERE OVERNIGHT?

LOU.

OH, WHAT AM I, A
KID? ACTING LIKE A KID.

YOU'RE MY WIFE.
I'M YOUR HUSBAND.

IF I WANTED TO
ASK YOU TO HAVE...

MARITAL RELATIONS,

I'D JUST FLAT COME OUT AND SAY,

"LET'S HAVE MARITAL RELATIONS."

EDIE, YOU, UH, WANT TO HAVE...

[Mumbling] MARITAL RELATIONS?

NO, LOU.

SO THIS IS THE CRUMMY
PLACE YOU LEFT ME FOR.

YES, IT IS.

AH, YOU GOT A GREAT
VIEW HERE. THANK YOU.

GREAT VIEW. MM-HMM.

"OVER TWO BILLION
SERVED SO FAR."

WONDERFUL. WONDERFUL!

YOU CAN JUST KEEP
TRACK HERE ALL THE TIME...

WITHOUT EVER HAVING
TO LEAVE YOUR WINDOW.

JUST THINK, WHEN
YOU'RE AN OLD LADY,

YOU CAN SIT THERE
IN A ROCKING CHAIR...

AND YOU CAN SAY,
"SOLD ANOTHER ONE.

SIXTEEN BILLION AND THREE."

LOU, I REALLY FEEL THAT WE SHOULD
THINK OF EACH OTHER AS FRIENDS.

LOOK, SOME THEATER TICKETS
CAME THAT WE ORDERED A WHILE BACK,

AND THEY'RE FOR NEXT THURSDAY.

I THINK WE SHOULD GO
TOGETHER, BUT AS FRIENDS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHAT... WHAT DO I THINK?

YOU WANT US TO THINK OF
EACH OTHER AS FRIENDS?

KIND OF LIKE PALS?

BUDDIES. AMIGOS.

IS THAT CORRECT? LOU,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

WELL, WE HAD THREE
DAUGHTERS TOGETHER, PAL.

WE SLEPT IN THE SAME BED
APPROXIMATELY 26 YEARS, OLD BUDDY.

AND NOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING
IS YOU WANT US TO BE FRIENDS.

WAS THAT THE WORD YOU USED?

YES, THAT WAS THE WORD I USED.

MM-HMM. WE'RE NOT
GONNA BE FRIENDS, EDIE.

I TOLD YOU I NEVER WANTED
ANOTHER WOMAN WHEN I MEANT IT,

AND I TOLD YOU I NEVER WANTED
ANOTHER WOMAN WHEN I DIDN'T MEAN IT.

WE SURVIVED IT ALL... ALL OF IT.

I'M GONNA GO TO THAT
PLAY WITH YOU, EDIE.

AM I GOING AS A FRIEND
OR NOT A FRIEND?

NOT. NOT AS A FRIEND.

DON'T GLOAT.

GOOD MORNING. MORNING, LOU.

WHY IS IT, WHEN I CALL A
MEETING, YOU'RE ALWAYS LATE?

MR. GRANT, IT'S JUST THAT
WE'RE CURIOUS ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

WELL, I DON'T WANT
TO TALK ABOUT IT.

OKAY, LOU. I UNDERSTAND IF YOU DON'T
WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. WELL, I DON'T.

I FIX HIM UP WITH HIS OWN WIFE,
GIVE HIM MY BEST AFTERSHAVE,

AND HE THINKS HE'S GONNA
SIT THERE AND DUMMY UP ON ME?

LISTEN, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO TELL YA.

WE, UH... WE TALKED ABOUT HER NEW
JOB, AND I PRETENDED I WAS INTERESTED.

AND WE TALKED ABOUT MY OFFICE, AND
SHE PRETENDED SHE WAS INTERESTED.

I PRETENDED TO ENJOY THE FISH.

WE WATCHED A LITTLE TELEVISION.

SHE WENT TO BED, AND I WENT OUT
TO A BAR AND HAD A COUPLE OF DRINKS.

JUST LIKE WE WERE MARRIED.

[Mews]