Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 2, Episode 14 - Ted Over Heels - full transcript

Ever since his appearance on Chuckles the Clown's television show, Ted has been acting even more strangely and mysteriously than ever. He is stealing the roses Mary always keeps on her desk (about which she knows), he's wearing a fake mustache until a real one grows in, and he's never hanging around the newsroom anymore. The latter two issues are wreaking havoc on Lou's blood pressure. Rhoda thinks she knows the reason for Ted's change in behavior: he's in love. Mary and Murray learn that that is the case when Betty Bowerchuck, Chuckles' assistant and daughter, confirms that she and Ted have been dating since his appearance on the show. But Ted seems to be hiding the fact of the relationship from everyone. When Betty comes crying to Mary about the relationship, Mary invites both Betty and Ted to her apartment for dinner so that she can help Betty by understanding Ted's apprehension about dating her.

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♪ WHO CAN TURN THE
WORLD ON WITH HER SMILE ♪

♪ WHO CAN TAKE A NOTHING DAY ♪

♪ AND SUDDENLY MAKE IT
ALL SEEM WORTHWHILE ♪

♪ WELL, IT'S YOU, GIRL
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW IT ♪

♪ WITH EACH GLANCE AND EVERY
LITTLE MOVEMENT YOU SHOW IT ♪

♪ LOVE IS ALL AROUND
NO NEED TO WASTE IT ♪

♪ YOU CAN HAVE THE TOWN
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪♪

MAR, WHO CAN I TALK TO ABOUT
GETTING MY BLAZER PRESSED?

I GUESS THELMA IN THE
WARDROBE DEPARTMENT.



NO, THELMA'S LEAVING AT 6:00 AND I
HAVE TO HAVE IT PRESSED AFTER MY SHOW.

I'M TAKING MY BLAZER
HOME TONIGHT.

WHAT'S THE MATTER,
TED? LOSE YOUR PAJAMAS?

NO, I'M DOING A GUEST SHOT ON
A VERY EARLY MORNING SHOW...

AND I NEED IT PRESSED
AFTER I DO THE NEWS.

I'LL ASK THELMA IF SHE'LL STAY
LATE AND PRESS IT FOR YOU.

GEE, THANKS A LOT.

WHAT EARLY MORNING
SHOW ARE YOU DOING?

AN AD-LIB TALK SHOW. I'M VERY
GOOD AT THOSE AD-LIB TALK THINGS.

- WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO TALK ABOUT?
- I THOUGHT I'D TALK ABOUT...

THEN I'D, UH...

WELL, THERE'S, UH...
AND I COULD, UH...

WELL, YOU KNOW.

- HI.
- HI.



- I'M LOOKING FOR MARY RICHARDS.
- I'M MARY RICHARDS.

HI. I'M BETTY BOWERCHUCK. HI.

HI. HI.

- YOU'RE THE ASSOCIATE PRODUCER
OF THE 6:00 NEWS?
- YES, I AM.

WELL, MR. BAXTER IS GOING TO BE
OUR GUEST STAR TOMORROW MORNING.

I KNOW HOW BUSY
AND IMPORTANT HE IS,

SO MAYBE YOU CAN ANSWER
A FEW QUESTIONS FOR ME.

YOU KNOW, SO HE'LL FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE
ON OUR SHOW. SURE, I'D BE GLAD TO.

UH, DOES HE LIKE CHOCOLATE MILK?

UH, YEAH, I GUESS SO.

WHAT ABOUT CAKE AND
ICE CREAM? UH, YEAH.

WOULD HE MIND BEING
HIT IN THE FACE WITH A PIE?

EXCUSE ME. WHAT SHOW
IS THIS FOR, ANYWAY?

THE CHUCKLES THE
CLOWN SHOW. [ Murray ] OH.

YOU MEAN, TED'S GOING TO BE
INTERVIEWED BY CHUCKLES THE CLOWN?

UH-HUH. THE BOYS AND GIRLS LOVE TO
HEAR ABOUT DIFFERENT KINDS OF JOBS.

IT'S GONNA BE OUR BIGGEST SHOW SINCE
THE FIREMAN BROUGHT HIS DALMATIAN.

WELL, I TELL YOU, BETTY,

I THINK TED MIGHT FIND
IT A LITTLE UNDIGNIFIED...

BEING HIT IN THE... WITH A...

NOT THAT HE'S NOT A GOOD SPORT.

IT'S JUST THAT, WELL, YOU
KNOW, HE IS THE ANCHORMAN.

MARY, TALK TO YOU A MINUTE?

EXCUSE US.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WE MAY
NEVER GET THIS CHANCE AGAIN.

OH, MURRAY, I CAN'T...

NO, YOU CAN'T, BUT CHUCKLES
CAN. AND WHY SHOULD WE STOP HIM?

IT WOULD BE PRETTY
FUNNY, WOULDN'T IT?

WE CAN FORGET ABOUT THE PIE.
IT'S JUST THAT HIS OTHER GUESTS...

WELL, IF ALL HIS OTHER
GUESTS GET THE PIE,

I THINK TED WOULD BE
OFFENDED IF HE DIDN'T.

OH, GOOD. GOOD.

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE
I CAN HELP YOU WITH?

I KNOW THE BOYS AND GIRLS WILL ASK
FOR SOME PHOTOGRAPHS OF MR. BAXTER.

- DO YOU THINK
YOU COULD SPARE SOME?
- SURE.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN
WITH CHUCKLES? ALL MY LIFE.

HE'S MY FATHER.

WELL, WHAT'S IT LIKE
HAVING A CLOWN FOR A FATH...

WELL, WHAT'S IT LIKE...
LIVING WITH A CL...

HERE ARE THE PICTURES.
I HAVE MORE IN MY DESK.

OH, WOW, IS HE EVER HANDSOME.

I'VE BEEN READING OVER THIS
COPY, AND I MADE A FEW CHANGES.

THAT'S HIM, ISN'T IT?

HIM. YES. OHH.

LOOK AT HIM READING.

I COULD STAND HERE
ALL DAY AND WATCH HIM.

BUT I CAN SEE HOW BUSY
YOU ALL ARE, SO I'LL BE GOING.

THANK YOU AGAIN, MARY.

I REALLY APPRECIATE
IT. NOT AT ALL.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO
AUTOGRAPH THOSE FOR YOU?

OH, UH, WELL, THEY
ALREADY ARE AUTOGRAPHED.

NO, THEY'RE JUST RUBBER-STAMPED.

IF YOU'D LIKE A MORE PERSONAL ONE,
I'D BE HAPPY TO TRACE OVER IT FOR YOU.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
BETTY BOWERCHUCK.

HOW DO YOU SPELL THAT? B-O-W...

NO, I MEANT "BETTY."

DOES IT END WITH
AN "E" OR A "Y"? "Y."

WHY? BECAUSE I WANNA
SPELL IT RIGHT, THAT'S WHY.

NO, NO, BETTY WITH A "Y."

OH. BETTY BOWERCHUCK.
WHAT A LOVELY NAME.

THAT'S CANADIAN, ISN'T IT?

I-I DON'T THINK SO.

THERE YOU GO. OH, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. IT WAS
MY PLEASURE, I'M SURE.

THANK YOU.

I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW
MORNING AT 7:00. WOULDN'T MISS IT.

WHO IS SHE?

THAT'S CHUCKLES THE
CLOWN'S DAUGHTER.

NO KIDDING. SHE SURE IS A
LOT BETTER LOOKING THAN HE IS.

AH, HERE'S AN INTERESTING ONE.

"DEAR MR. BAXTER, I CAN'T TELL YOU
HOW MUCH I ENJOYED YOUR APPEARANCE...

"ON THE CHUCKLES THE CLOWN SHOW,

"ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU GOT
HIT IN THE FACE WITH A PIE.

"IT WOULD REALLY MAKE
THE NEWS A LOT MORE FUN...

IF YOU COULD DO THAT AT THE
END OF THE 6:00 NEWS EVERY NIGHT."

NOW, WHO WOULD COME UP WITH
A SILLY SUGGESTION LIKE THAT?

I DON'T KNOW. IT'S
JUST SIGNED "M.L.S."

M... L... MURRAY L. SLAUGHTER.

- IT'S MY FIRST FAN LETTER.
- OH!

HAS ANYONE SEEN
TED BAXTER LATELY?

WELL, ACCORDING
TO THE LAST RATINGS...

I MEANT IN PERSON. I'M AWARE
THAT NOBODY SEES HIM ON TV.

IT'S FUNNY. HE DOESN'T HANG
AROUND HERE AS MUCH AS HE USED TO.

THAT'S TOO BAD,
BECAUSE I MISS HIM.

YOU DO? YEAH.

I MISS HIM.

BECAUSE, MARY,

I'VE BEEN UPSTAIRS IN THE STATION
MANAGER'S OFFICE FOR TWO HOURS.

FOR THREE MINUTES
OF THOSE TWO HOURS...

I WAS BEING TOLD WHAT A
GREAT JOB I'VE BEEN DOING.

FOR THE REST OF
THE TIME, I WASN'T.

ONE HOUR AND FIFTY-SEVEN
MINUTES, MARY, I SAT THERE...

AND TOOK IT.

AND ALL THAT TIME...

THE PRESSURE WAS
BUILDING UP INSIDE ME,

KIND OF LIKE STEAM IN A BOILER.

NORMALLY, WHEN I GET THIS WAY, BAXTER'S
AROUND AND I CAN LET IT OUT ON HIM...

IN SHORT BURSTS.

OR, ON OCCASION, ONE BIG BLAST.

NOW, WITH HIM NOT AROUND...

I CAN'T LET IT OUT.

MARY, I COULD HURT MYSELF.

YOU WANT ME TO TRY HIM AT HOME?

NO. IT DOESN'T
WORK ON THE PHONE.

I GOTTA SEE HIS FACE.

WHEN HE GETS HERE, TELL HIM
TO GET HIS FACE INTO MY OFFICE.

MARGE, HI. LISTEN, WHEN YOU
SEE TED BAXTER, WOULD YOU...

OH, YEAH? WHEN?

- THANK YOU.
- WHAT?

MARGE SAID THAT TED
CAME IN AT 7:30 THIS MORNING.

I WONDER WHAT...

TED! WHERE DID YOU
GET THE MUSTACHE?

OH, YOU MEAN THIS ONE?

IT'S JUST A TEMPORARY UNTIL THE
REAL ONE GROWS IN UNDERNEATH.

HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?

WELL, IT'S VERY NICE.

MAKES ME FEEL
LIKE I'M "WITH IT."

WHAT DO YOU THINK, MURR?

I LIKE IT BETTER ON YOUR
HAND THAN ON YOUR FACE.

PRETTY CLEVER, EH? IT TAKES MOST PEOPLE
A MONTH TO GROW A MUSTACHE LIKE THIS.

BUT WITH THIS I CAN LOOK
LIKE THIS RIGHT AWAY.

THEN IN A MONTH I'LL HAVE A REAL ONE
UNDERNEATH THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE THIS.

WHEN I TAKE THIS OFF, I'LL HAVE ALL
THAT AND IT'LL LOOK JUST LIKE THIS.

- TED...
- DON'T, MARY. HE MAY REPEAT IT.

LOU WAS LOOKING FOR YOU,
TED. TELL HIM I'LL CATCH HIM LATER.

I'VE GOT A VERY IMPORTANT
MEETING UPSTAIRS.

SAY, MAR, CAN I
BORROW YOUR ROSE?

MY ROSE? YOUR ROSE.

YEAH, SURE. THANKS.

I'LL BUY YOU A REAL
ONE TOMORROW.

THAT IS A REAL ONE.

IT IS? GEE, IT LOOKS SO PRETTY,
I THOUGHT IT WAS PLASTIC.

GEE, ISN'T NATURE AMAZING?

TO BE ABLE TO MAKE A
FLOWER AS GOOD AS A FACTORY.

AND THEN TED ASKED IF
HE COULD BORROW MY ROSE.

YOUR ROSE? YEAH,
THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

WHY WOULD ANYONE BORROW A ROSE?

MAYBE HE'S DECORATING A TINY LITTLE
FLOAT FOR THE NEW YEAR'S DAY PARADE.

THAT'S NOT THE ONLY WEIRD THING HE'S
DOING. DID YOU SEE THE NEWS TONIGHT?

- OH, YEAH. WEIRD.
- BUT WHAT DID YOU THINK
OF THE MUSTACHE?

VERY SEXY.

BUT YOU KNOW, MAR, WAS IT
MY TV SET OR MY IMAGINATION?

ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH
THE SHOW, DID IT TILT?

YEAH.

THAT WAS KIND OF UNFORTUNATE.

WHAT HAPPENED WAS, TED SNEEZED
DURING ONE OF THE COMMERCIAL BREAKS.

NOBODY NOTICED IT
UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE.

I BET I KNOW WHY TED'S
BEEN ACTING WEIRD.

YEAH? WHY? HE'S IN LOVE.

TED? IN LOVE?

I DON'T THINK SO.

MARY, PLEASE TAKE
MY WORD FOR IT.

YOU'RE TALKING TO THE
EXPERT ON MEN FALLING IN LOVE.

WITH OTHER WOMEN, OF COURSE.

WHEN A GUY STARTS ACTING WEIRD,
TRIES TO LOOK SEXY AND BORROWS A ROSE,

HE'S EITHER IN LOVE OR TRYING
TO STAY OUT OF THE ARMY.

LISTEN TO THIS.

"THE DAYTON RHINOS WON THE CENTRAL
DIVISION FOOTBALL CHAMPIONSHIP...

"AND 37,000 DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY
FANS CELEBRATED THEIR VICTORY...

"SETTING FIRES,
TURNING OVER CARS...

AND BREAKING EVERY
WINDOW IN THE CITY HALL."

I WONDER WHAT THEY WOULD
HAVE DONE IF THEY'D LOST.

- IT'S GONE.
- WHAT'S GONE?

- MY ROSE. SOMEBODY TOOK MY ROSE.
- YOUR ROSE. GEE.

I JUST BOUGHT A NEW
ONE THIS MORNING.

I BET TED TOOK IT.

I'VE ACCUSED TED OF BEING A LOT OF THINGS,
BUT HE'S NO COMMON, ORDINARY ROSE THIEF.

I'M TELLING YOU, TED TOOK IT.

LOOK, THE LITTLE DRIPS GO
ALL THE WAY OUT THE DOOR.

SO DID THE BIG ONE.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
I THINK TED IS IN LOVE.

TED HAS BEEN IN LOVE
EVER SINCE HE WAS A BABY...

AND SAW HIS REFLECTION
IN THE BATH WATER.

I MEAN, WITH A GIRL.

OH, GEE, I HOPE IT
ISN'T ANYBODY NICE.

IS BAXTER AROUND? WELL, HE WAS.

YOU JUST MISSED HIM.

STEAM, MARY. STEAM.

DID YOU JUST COME
FROM ANOTHER MEETING?

NO, BUT IN TEN MINUTES
I'M GOING TO ONE.

AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE SUBJECT OF
THAT MEETING IS? TED BAXTER'S MUSTACHE.

- DON'T THEY LIKE IT?
- THEY DON'T KNOW.

- THEY HAVEN'T TESTED IT YET.
- HOW DO YOU TEST A MUSTACHE?

WHO KNOWS? WHO CARES?

BUT FOR TWO HOURS I'M GONNA
HAVE TO SIT THERE AND HEAR ABOUT IT.

- YOU WANT ME
TO TRY AND FIND HIM?
- YES. DO. DO.

- HI, MARY.
- OH, HI.

HI. HI.

- ANYONE SEEN TED?
- NO. AS A MATTER OF FACT, WE'RE
LOOKING FOR HIM OURSELVES.

WELL, I JUST WANTED TO THANK
HIM FOR LEAVING THIS ON MY DESK.

OH, WHAT A SHAME.

IT'S SOMEBODY NICE.

THAT HAD TO BE THE MOST AWKWARD
LUNCH I HAVE EVER SAT THROUGH.

I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS SO
BAD. NO, OF COURSE NOT.

YOU HAD YOUR BACK
TO TED AND BETTY.

I WAS STARING RIGHT
INTO THEIR BOOTH.

WHAT WERE THEY DOING?

RHODA, HE OBVIOUSLY TOOK
HER TO THAT DARK RESTAURANT...

BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT
TO BE SEEN WITH HER.

DID YOU SEE WHAT HE DID WHEN
HE SAW US SEEING HIM WITH HER?

HOW COULD I? EVERY TIME I STARTED
TO LOOK, YOU SAID, "DON'T LOOK!"

WELL, HE HAD HIS ARM AROUND HER.

EVERYTHING WAS VERY COZY.

THEN HE SAW US, HE PUSHED HER AWAY
AND STARTED TREATING HER LIKE A STRANGER.

I KNOW THAT FEELING.

I ONCE HAD A DATE DO THAT
TO ME WHEN I ORDERED STEAK.

YOU WANT SOME
COFFEE? YEAH, HALF A CUP.

I JUST CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHY TED IS
SO UPTIGHT ABOUT BEING SEEN WITH HER.

I KNOW. I BET SHE'S MARRIED.

NO, I KNOW HER. BETTY
WORKS HERE AT THE STATION.

CHUCKLES THE
CLOWN IS HER FATHER.

BETTY THE CLOWN?

PLEASE DON'T GO ON WITH THIS. THIS
WHOLE THING IS ENTIRELY TOO SORDID.

IT REALLY IS KIND OF FUN WATCHING
TED ACT LIKE A TEENAGER IN LOVE.

AND BETTY HAS BEEN SO HAPPY.

JUST GLOWING AND SMILING.

CRYING?

BETTY, WHAT HAPPENED?

I JUST HAD THE WORST
LUNCH I'VE EVER HAD.

I NEED SOME GIRL-TYPE ADVICE.

WELL, SURE. HI, MARY.
HI, RHODA. HI, BETTY.

WHAT'S... NEW? UH, NOTH...

HERE, BETTY, COME ON. WE'LL
GO INTO MR. GRANT'S OFFICE.

YOU WANT TO SIT DOWN?

NO, I'M TOO...

OH, MARY, I JUST
HAVE TO FIND OUT...

I DON'T KNOW YOU, DO I?

OH, I'M SORRY. RHODA
MORGENSTERN, BETTY BOWERCHUCK.

BOWERCHUCK? BOWERCHUCK!

ARE YOU RELATED TO BILL
BOWERCHUCK FROM NEW YORK CITY?

- NO.
- HE USED TO DATE MY SISTER.

NICE GUY. [ Clears Throat ]

SO, BETTY...

WELL, MARY, DON'T TELL ANYBODY,

BUT, WELL, TED AND I HAVE SORT OF
SECRETLY BEEN GOING TOGETHER...

FOR, WELL, ALMOST TWO WEEKS NOW.

OH, REALLY? YEAH.

WELL, I JUST HAVE
TO ASK SOMEBODY.

IS IT TRUE THAT THERE'S A COMPANY POLICY
THAT TWO EMPLOYEES CAN'T FALL IN LOVE?

WHERE DID YOU EVER HEAR
A DUMB THING LIKE THAT?

TED TOLD ME.

UH, OH, WELL, UH,

MAYBE I DID HEAR
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

I TOLD HIM I NEVER
HEARD OF THAT RULE,

BUT HE SAID THAT IF ANYONE FROM WORK
SEES US TOGETHER, WE'LL BOTH BE FIRED.

SO AT THE RESTAURANT TODAY, SO THAT
NOBODY WOULD THINK WE WERE TOGETHER,

HE MADE ME PAY MY OWN CHECK.

BETTY, TED DOES
THAT TO EVERYBODY.

MARY, WILL YOU TALK
TO HIM FOR ME ABOUT US?

WELL, BETTY,

I REALLY THINK IT WOULD BE BETTER
IF I DIDN'T, YOU KNOW, AND YOU DID.

- PLEASE?
- CARL BOWERCHUCK.

HIS NAME WASN'T BILL, IT WAS
CARL. ARE YOU RELATED TO HIM?

NO.

I'M FINISHED. THAT'S THE
ONLY BOWERCHUCK I KNOW.

LISTEN, BETTY, I TELL YOU WHAT.

COME TO MY PLACE FOR DINNER TOMORROW
AND WE CAN TALK MORE ABOUT IT THEN.

OH, I'D LIKE THAT. OKAY.

OH, EXCUSE ME.

GOOD. FOR A SECOND THERE, I THOUGHT
I'D WALKED INTO THE LADIES' ROOM.

NO, WE WERE JUST,
UH... JUST LEAVING.

THEN IT'S GONNA WORK
OUT JUST PERFECT, ISN'T IT?

HEY, MAR. OH, HI, TED.

LISTEN, TED... WHAT DO
YOU THINK? OF WHAT?

MY MUSTACHE. IT'S REAL.

ISN'T IT WONDERFUL? I TOLD
YOU IT WOULD LOOK LIKE THIS.

MY OWN GREW IN. I
THREW THE FAKE ONE AWAY.

IT LOOKS JUST AS REAL
AS THE FAKE ONE DID.

THANKS. LISTEN, UM, TED...

- I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT BETTY.
- WHO?

- BETTY BOWERCHUCK?
- WHO'S THAT?

THE GIRL YOU HAVE BEEN SECRETLY
GOING WITH FOR OVER TWO WEEKS.

OH, THAT BETTY. IS HER LAST NAME
BOWERCHUCK? I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

OH, COME ON, YOU KNOW PERFECTLY
WELL WHAT HER LAST NAME IS.

TED, I KNOW ABOUT YOU AND BETTY.

YOU DO? HOW MUCH DO YOU KNOW?

- NOT MUCH.
- GOOD.

I ASKED BETTY TO HAVE DINNER
AT MY PLACE TOMORROW NIGHT,

AND I WAS WONDERING IF
YOU WOULD LIKE TO COME TOO.

TOMORROW NIGHT? DINNER? BETTY?

- YES.
- WHAT ARE YOU HAVING?
- TED!

WELL, I THOUGHT I'D BRING A NICE
BOTTLE OF SOMETHING TO GO WITH IT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

I'LL JUST GO TO MY LIQUOR DEALER
AND PICK OUT SOMETHING SPECIAL.

THANKS.

NO.

[ Doorbell Buzzes ] COME IN.

- HI, MAR.
- TED, HI.

YOU'RE KINDA EARLY, AREN'T YOU?

I AM? GEE, I'D BETTER
GET MY WATCH FIXED.

ACCORDING TO THIS,
I'M FASHIONABLY LATE.

- WELL, WHERE'S BETTY?
- SHE HAD TO WORK TONIGHT.

ON SATURDAY NIGHT?

CHUCKLES IS DOING A GUEST
SHOT AT THE MAYFLOWER MARKET.

SHE'LL BE HERE AS SOON AS ALL
THE CANDY AND BALLOONS ARE GONE.

TASTE OF THE BUBBLY?

OH. BEER.

WELL!

IT'S NOT THAT DOMESTIC STUFF EITHER.
IT'S IMPORTED FROM LOS ANGELES.

IT'S REALLY DELICIOUS.

I'LL PUT IT ON ICE ANYWAY.
ANYTHING YOU SAY, MARY.

[ Sniffs ] MMM! OH! [ Chuckles ]

SORRY.

WELL, I JUST HAVE A FEW MORE
THINGS TO DO, AND THEN I'LL BE FINISHED.

GO RIGHT AHEAD. YOU
NEED ANY HELP? NO, THANKS.

I DON'T MIND. WOULD YOU
LIKE ME TO SHELL THOSE PEAS?

WELL, OKAY.

YOU KNOW, I USED TO DO THIS
FOR MY MOTHER WHEN I WAS A KID.

I USED TO DO THAT TOO.

TED, IT'S SO CROWDED IN HERE.

WHY DON'T YOU GO INTO THE LIVING
ROOM. IT'LL GO FASTER THAT WAY.

THAT'S WHAT MY
MOTHER USED TO SAY.

SHOULD I WASH THESE OFF?

NO, JUST GIVE THEM TO ME
AND I'LL THROW THEM AWAY.

SHE USED TO SAY THAT TOO.

IT WAS AWFULLY NICE OF YOU TO
INVITE BETTY AND ME TO DINNER TONIGHT.

IT'S A PLEASURE. IT'S FUN TO
HAVE SOMEONE TO COOK FOR.

YOU DIDN'T INVITE ANYONE
ELSE FROM THE STATION, DID YOU?

NO. [ Sighs ] GOOD.

YOU KNOW, TED, THE OTHER DAY I WAS GOING
THROUGH THE COMPANY RULE BOOK, AND, UH,

I DIDN'T FIND ANY RULE THAT SAYS
TWO EMPLOYEES CAN'T FALL IN LOVE.

OH, REALLY?

SO, I WAS WONDERING
WHY YOU TOLD BETTY THAT.

[ Clears Throat ]

I THOUGHT IT WAS THIS COMPANY. MAYBE
IT WAS ANOTHER COMPANY I WORKED FOR.

MAYBE IT WAS THE NAVY.

WELL, ANYWAY, IF WE DON'T HAVE
A RULE LIKE THAT, WE SHOULD HAVE.

WHY? BECAUSE IT GETS
IN THE WAY OF THE WORK.

WOMEN JUST... WELL,
YOU KNOW HOW THEY ARE.

ISN'T BETTY SORT OF SPECIAL?

WELL, SURE, SHE'S VERY SPECIAL.

BUT I START TO THINKING OF WHERE
THIS COULD LEAD... YOU KNOW, MARRIAGE.

I SEE US WALKING DOWN
THE AISLE, I SEE THE MINISTER,

I SEE THE BEST MAN SMILING
AND MY MOTHER CRYING.

THEN I SEE THIS GUY IN A RED NOSE,
ORANGE HAIR AND BAGGY PANTS...

WAITING TO THROW A PIE AT ME.

MARY, I CAN'T HAVE A
CLOWN FOR A FATHER-IN-LAW.

OH, TED. WELL, YOU
UNDERSTAND, MARY.

I'M AN ANCHORMAN. I'VE GOT A
CERTAIN AMOUNT OF DIGNITY TO PROTECT.

NO, TED, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

IF YOU CARE ABOUT SOMEBODY, IT DOESN'T MAKE
ANY DIFFERENCE WHO YOUR FATHER-IN-LAW IS.

TELL THAT TO DAVID EISENHOWER.

I'M SORRY, BUT I JUST DON'T
BELIEVE THAT'S YOUR REASON.

OKAY, MARY.

I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I'M AFRAID OF.

WHAT IF SHE REALLY
DOESN'T LOVE ME?

I MEAN, WHAT IF I GET ENGAGED
TO HER AND TELL EVERYONE...

AND EVEN HAVE MY ENGAGEMENT
PICTURE IN THE PAPER,

AND THEN SHE DUMPS
ME FOR SOMEBODY?

HOW WILL I LOOK?
PRETTY SILLY, RIGHT?

WELL, TED, THAT'S ONE OF THE
CHANCES YOU HAVE TO TAKE.

THAT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY. YOU'VE
NEVER BEEN DUMPED BY SOMEBODY.

TED, SOONER OR LATER
EVERYBODY GETS REJECTED.

WELL, NOT ME. YOU DON'T LOVE
SOMEBODY, YOU DON'T GET REJECTED.

YOU DON'T GET LOVED EITHER.

WELL, I JUST... I JUST
COULDN'T STAND BEING HURT.

BEING HURT IS PART OF
LIFE. IT'S PART OF LOVE.

DID IT EVER HAPPEN TO
YOU? YOU EVER GET HURT?

YEAH, A COUPLE OF TIMES.

YOU HAVE?

TELL ME SOMETHING, MARY.

WHEN YOU GOT HURT, DID IT HURT?

YEAH, IT HURT A LITTLE.

IT WAS, UM, A GOOD HURT.

I MEAN, IT WASN'T
PERMANENT OR ANYTHING.

HERE I AM. ♪ TA-DA ♪

THEN I COULD LOVE HER AND
MAYBE GET HURT, MAYBE NOT.

BUT EVEN IF I DID, IT WOULDN'T
BE TOO BAD, WOULD IT?

WELL, IT'S CERTAINLY
BETTER THAN HOLDING IT IN.

I'VE BEEN WANTING TO TELL HER I
LOVED HER SINCE THAT FIRST DAY...

WHEN SHE LOOKED IN MY EYES AND
SCRAPED MERINGUE OFF MY FACE.

WELL, THEN TELL HER.

I WILL, THE MINUTE
SHE GETS HERE.

LISTEN, TED, YOU DON'T HAVE TO
DO IT IN FRONT OF ME OR ANYTHING.

NO, I'VE GOTTA DO IT NOW,
BEFORE I EAT. [ Doorbell Buzzes ]

RIGHT NOW.

[ Doorbell Buzzes ]

I LOVE YOU.

I'VE NEVER HAD A MAN
SAY THAT TO ME BEFORE.

- WAIT A MINUTE. I DON'T LOVE YOU.
- THAT'S WHAT THEY USUALLY SAY.

WELL, I DON'T LOVE YOU EITHER.

HI, TED!

BETTY, I LIKE YOU VERY MUCH.

IN FACT, YOU'RE A
VERY PLEASANT PERSON.

IN FACT, YOU'RE MORE
THAN JUST PLEASANT.

YOU'RE THE MOST
PLEASANTEST PERSON I KNOW.

IN FACT, YOU'RE WONDERFUL.

IN FACT...

IN FACT...

WE'D BETTER LEAVE THE ROOM BEFORE
WE HEAR THE REST OF THE "IN FACTS."

I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.

IN FACT, I... I
LO... LO... LO...

LOVE YOU.

WHERE'S TED BAXTER?
HE'S IN THE STUDIO.

WHEN HE GETS HERE, TELL HIM
TO COME IN AND SEE ME. I NEED HIM.

YOU GOING INTO ANOTHER
ONE OF THOSE STAFF MEETINGS?

NO, AND IF I DON'T SEE TED SOON,
THERE WON'T BE ANY MORE MEETINGS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE GOT HERE? THE RESULTS
OF THE TESTS ON TED BAXTER'S MUSTACHE.

I'M GLAD THEY DIDN'T TEST THE REST
OF HIM. I'D NEVER BE ABLE TO LIFT IT.

[ Ted, Betty Laughing ]

HI. HI, GUYS.

HI. TED, HERE'S THE
RESPONSE TO YOUR MUSTACHE.

- HOW'D IT DO?
- WELL, I WON'T BORE YOU WITH
ALL THESE CHARTS AND GRAPHS.

BUT THIS IS WHAT
IT BOILS DOWN TO.

TEN PERCENT OF THE MINNEAPOLIS
TELEVISION VIEWERS DID NOT LIKE IT.

- THAT MEANS THAT
90 PERCENT OF THEM DID.
- NO.

THE 90 PERCENT NEVER
SAW YOUR MUSTACHE.

THEY WERE WATCHING
THE OTHER CHANNELS.

WHAT DO THOSE TESTS KNOW?
MURRAY LIKES IT. DON'T YOU, MURR?

- NO, TED.
- MARY?

- UH, WELL, NOT...
- LOU?

I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYBODY SAYS.

BETTY LIKES IT.
DON'T YOU, BETTY?

WELL, IT DOES KIND OF SCRATCH.

MARY, CALL THE BARBER SHOP.
I'M GETTING TIRED OF THIS THING.

[ Mews ]