Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 3, Episode 9 - Requiem for a Dead Barber - full transcript

It was a nice funeral,
wasn't it, Al?

Come on, honey.

Come on.

He's dead, Peg.

He's dead.

What am I
gonna do now?

Oh, easy, Al.

Nobody lives forever.

I thought he would.

He had a nice full life.

Now, be strong, Al.



You're just gonna
have to face the fact.

Your barber is dead.

Why did it
have to be him,

who meant so much
to so many?

Why couldn't it
have been somebody

nobody
would have missed,

a wretch
of a human being?

Why couldn't it have been
your mother?

Well, I'm sure there's
still someone alive

who can cut all 12
of your remaining hairs

for a buck
and a quarter.

It wasn't the money,
Peg.

Tony knew my hair,
and he cared.

Remember that time



I had that bad case
of dandruff in '83?

Yeah, I remember.

The whole family gathered
some coal and a carrot,

and we made
Frosty the Dandruff Man.

Tony was there

to hold my hand
through that rough time.

Going to Tony was
a family tradition.

My father went to him.

I went to him.

I took Bud to him...

till the other kids
started calling him

"Bud the Bowl Head."

It broke my heart
when Bud refused to go.

I had to tell Tony
Bud died.

We wept together.

That's the kind of guy
Tony was.

Everybody loved him.

Sorry I'm late,

but I wanted to wait
till they packed the dirt

over the old butcher.

That old butcher cried
when you died, Bud.

I'll bet he did.

Who else would let him
put a cereal bowl on their head

while he said,

"I'm a-gonna make you
look like Sinatra."

Bud, your father's right.

We should show a little respect,
even for the hated dead,

and like my mother said
when I married your father,

"If you can't feel it, fake it."

Yeah, and if you don't care
anymore, marry it.

Now, I'd like
a moment of silence

for my barber.

Excuse me.

Amen.

Well,

now that Tony's worm food,

I can get
out of these funeral clothes.

Oh, Dad,

you know how

I've been bothering you
about a sports car?

Well, forget it.

I want a hearse.

I was just cruising around
the cemetery

with Boris, the driver.

Oh, God, was it cool.

On Friday night,
he's taking me out

and promised to have
a real dead body in it...

But Mom said it's wrong
to use a guy for his hearse,

so can I have one of my own,
please?

Well, Al,

she has been doing
better in school.

Why am I thinking
they buried the wrong guy?

Cheer up, honey.

Your day will come.

And when it does, you'll be glad
we have that hearse.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Al, I know you were
at a funeral and all,

so this might be a bad time
to bring this up,

but did you happen to come
into our yard

in the middle of the night

and steal all our roses?

Steve, I've never been
so insulted in my life.

Well, then I guess
this isn't your watch.

So who died?

A close family member?

No, worse. My barber.

It hit me
pretty hard, too.

Now, who am I
going to get

to cut my hair?

Well, why don't you

just do what you do
with your lawn?

Park your car on it,
and let it die.

Thanks, Marce,

but much like the hair
on your legs,

I need the help
of a trained professional.

Look, Al,

why don't you
just go to my barber?

Well, thanks, Steve,

but I still care
how I look.

Dad, why don't you
just go to Kelly's guy,

Mr. Albino?

Or you could always go
to Bud's guy

at the Pimple Emporium.

Ask for Mr. Squeeze-It.

Look how I live.

Come on, Al,

the kids'll think
you're serious.

Honey, you're making
a big thing over nothing.

Usually,
you're a big thing

who makes nothing.

Anyway, you can get
your hair cut anywhere.

There are thousands
of stylists in this city.

Yeah, stylists.

I want a barber
with a barber pole,

with a little dog
that lays on the floor

and scratches
and bites at his fleas.

Where am I going to see
a sight like that again, Peg?

Look next to me
while I'm sleeping.

Al, why don't you

just find some guy
with good hair

and ask him
where he gets it cut?

Sure, I'll compliment him
on his great hair,

and then he'll
compliment me

on my bedroom eyes,

and we'll live together
and make terrariums.

I'm going upstairs
to be alone with my grief.

Well, make sure
to pull up the Air Wick.

Well, I gave Buck
a nice big dish of water.

Now I'm gonna take him
for a walk on Tony's grave.

He didn't get to go
to the funeral,

but I know he wants
to say goodbye

in his own special way.

He's quite a little guy,
isn't he?

Gee, Al seems to be
taking this pretty badly.

Death is something

you're never really
prepared for.

Well, it does
make you think.

I mean, one minute,
you're in perfect health,

and then
the next minute, poof!

Al's dead.

Gee, and I'd be left
with no income

and no insurance.

What would I do?

Get a job?

No, I said,
what would I do?

I mean, of course
I would remarry,

but that could take
up to nine months...

and what if Al didn't die
till I was in my 40s?

Then where would I be?

Well, thank God

Steve cares enough
to get insurance.

Why, he's worth more dead
than he is alive.

Well, so is Al.

You know,

what with food stamps
and welfare and all.

How much is yours
worth dead?

A cool mill.

Wow.

What I could do
with a million dollars.

Hey, Marcy,

knowing he's worth
that much,

have you ever,

late at night
while he's sleeping,

thought about...

But all this
is pie in the sky.

Peggy, you really should
get insurance for Al.

Uh, honey...

I thought

I was only insured
for $250,000.

Steve, please.
This is girl talk.

I know an insurance group

that not only will insure you
over the phone,

but will also raise
your coverage

without your husband
even knowing.

I thought we were
going to discuss things

that affect us both.

This doesn't affect you, Steve.

You'll be dead.

Anyhow, Peggy, all you need

is for Al to give
a sample of his blood and urine,

and you're home.

Hmm.

Well, the urine
would be easy.

I could just put
a little cup

five feet
from the bowl...

But the blood
is gonna be tough.

I could use
a million, though.

We all could.

Well, we have to go.

Steve has to sweep out
the gutters,

and I'm going to hold
the ladder for him.

Uh...

I love you, Marcy.

That's nice, dear.

"First name," Al.

"Last name," Bundy.

"Sex," not worth mentioning.

Peg,

the darnedest thing...

when I woke up,
my neck was bleeding...

And there was a--

There was a jar between my legs.

Well, uh,

maybe you dreamt
you were making preserves.

Yeah,
that must be it.

Peg, who am I
gonna get to cut my hair?

I called all my friends
last night.

What did he say?

He said,

"Yeah, I'm still in San Quentin
for killing the wife,

but it was worth it."

And the rest of them said

that they're gonna start
going to...salons.

Hey, Peg, these are plumbers,

construction workers,
auto mechanics.

Oh, unlike you,
skilled illiterates.

Come on, honey.

What's wrong
with going to salons?

Do they have

regular checker games
in salons, Peg?

Do they run the numbers
in salons, Peg?

Will they laugh in a salon
when you say...

"What do women and dog doody
have in common?

The older they get,
the easier they are to pick up."

Would they, Peg?

Probably not, Al.

Then I'm not going,

and I'll tell you
something else.

I need a place
that'll cut my nose hair.

Tony would.

He was the greatest.

He'd really get in there.

Will a salon cut my nose hair,
Peg?

Probably not, Al.

Then I'm not going.

Then what are you gonna do, Al?

Die broke, Peg,

but first I'm find a barber,

a real man,

a man who likes girls
but hates women.

Look at him, kids.

He's worth a million dollars.

Get a haircut, Al.

I'm not getting a haircut
until I find a barber.

It's time, Al.

Last night you were snoring,

and your nose hairs
were going in and out

like a trombone.

I'm afraid one day
they're gonna reach out

and suck in one of the kids.

Don't you think
I want to get a haircut, Peg?

Do you think I like fat guys
in granny glasses

asking me if I like
the new Dead album?

But I'm trying
to make a statement here.

I'm saying,

"Let's not let
the barber disappear."

God knows they've taken
everything else away from us

in the so-called name
of progress.

They take the pinball machine,
give you video games.

What do I care

if a monkey can make it
to the top of a building?

Unless he's up there
to throw off his wife,

it doesn't matter to me.

I want flippers.

I want steel balls,

and I want my barber, damn it!

Is he brain-dead?

Because we just might
be able to collect.

And cartoons.

Has anybody here
seen cartoons lately?

No, we're grown up, Dad.

Well, I have,
and they stink.

Peg, remember
when a mouse

could hit a cat
over the head

with a frying pan
and flatten his head?

Now you know what they do?

They go into therapy
and talk it out...

and you know who's to blame?

Women and pacifists,

and you know where they go
to make my life miserable?

Salons!

Come on, family,

can't you get behind old Dad
on this one?

Well, we can't get
in front of you.

Your nose hairs would spear us.

That's it!

Now, I never thought
this would happen to me.

Life has taken everything else
away from me.

I quit.

That's it.

I'm going to a salon.

Wherever Tony is,

I hope they buried him face down

so he never has to live
to see my shame

because Al Bundy...

Is gonna get washed...
and blown.

Hi.

Come in. Come in.

What can we do for you?

[YELLS]

Ooh, a first-timer.

Now, sit down.

Relax.

Someone will be with you
in a minute.

So, what do you think
about those Bears?

Well, if people
wouldn't feed them,

they wouldn't raid
the campsites.

Yeah, that's
what I think

about the White Sox.

[PASSES GAS]

Hi.

You get your hair
done here too?

Ever since I could find
an old man to pay for it.

Do you like it?

Oh, yes.

Are you rich?

No.

Oh.

Hi. I'm Murphy.

What can I do for you?

Do you know
how to dance in a cage?

I mean, no, I need a haircut.

Well, come with me.

That's a nice place
you got there.

Now, my old barber
used to charge a buck-25.

How much are you guys?

$60.

No, seriously.

Ooh, aren't we woolly?

Yeah, you guys
really aren't $60, are you?

Well,
you know our motto,

"People are suckers."

Oops.

I'm not supposed to
say that to the customers.

Oh, well.

Just relax.

Leave your head
in our hands.

We'll start
with a nice scalp massage.

Alrighty.

My name's Bundy.

Al Bundy.

Oh, that's good.

Hey, you know, it was funny.

I was kind of worried
coming over here.

Well, you know,
not being a sissy or anything,

If I'd have known you were--

If I'd have known
you were going to be doing me,

I'd have been here years ago.

I wish you would
have said that

when I was single.

Mom, how long
do we have to sit here

in the dark?

Until your father
comes out of the bushes.

He won't come
in the house

unless he thinks
we're sleeping.

Well, what if he looks
like a geek?

Can we laugh?

Kelly,
he's your father.

Of course we can.

Oh, shh!

I think
I smell him coming.

[GRUNTS]

Well, how do you like it?

You look
like a fruit, Al.

Thanks, Peg.

Pretty cool, Dad.

It gives you

that "no closet
can hold me" look.

Now, leave Dad alone.

You're still going to wear
men's clothing, aren't you?

Oh, honey,
we're just teasing.

You look fantastic.

Doesn't he, kids?

Great.

Yummy.

See? It's unanimous.

By the way,

your nose hairs
look somehow longer.

They moussed them...

But they wouldn't cut them.

The important thing is,

I, uh...I feel cool.

Good night.

Some, uh...

Some sex tonight, Peg?

No, thanks.

Hi, guys.

Sorry I'm late,

but I had a rinse,
mousse, and protein pack.

Hey, man.

Watch that cigar, man.

You're gonna get smoke
in my hair...

And Mr. Freddy says it's hell
on my conditioner, man.

Mr. Luscious won't let me
put on my construction hat.

It ruins the integrity
of the cut.

[BELCHES]

You look good, Al.

Yeah, we're studs.

So, what are we
gonna do tonight,

put on our baby dolls,
drink a few beers,

and give each other spankings?

How about shooting
some pool?

No, no, the severity of the neon

will ruin the highlights
in my hair.

Bowling?

No, we'd get beat up.

Well, what can we do

that won't put any stress
on our hair?

We could go see
La Cage aux Folles.

It's really a fine play.

You're a plumber, Louie.

I was never really comfortable
as a plumber.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Louie, excuse us a second.

[ALL CLICKING TONGUES]

Look at-- This is a mess.

Look, it's all over for Louie,

and, Russ, you're slipping...

But we got a chance.

Here's what we got to do--

We go out and find
a fire hydrant.

We turn that sucker on.

We stick our heads in the hole
and wash the gay away.

You mean go outside
without nets?

I think we better hurry,

and afterwards,
no matter how long it takes,

we find a barber, a real barber.

Let's go.

Louie, come on.

We're going dancing.

I want a steak.

I want beer.

I want a woman.

I'm not dressed for dancing.

Well, kids, your daddy's
worthless again.

The insurance company found out
he was a shoe salesman.

They refused to cover him

because of the high
suicide rate.

So, in other words,

dead or alive,
we still starve.

Then, why do we
keep him?

Without him,
we'd have to get jobs...

and Buck seems
to like him.

Where is Dad?

Oh, he and the rest
of the think tank

are out searching
for a barber.

Mom, you can be
square with me.

I mean, I know Kelly
is Dad's natural daughter...

but me, I was just
some one-night stand

with a cool guy, right?

I heard that.

I'm not Dad's,
either.

Are too.

Am not.

Are too.
Am not.

Kids, stop that!

You're both Daddy's kids.

Peg, I did it!

I found a barber...

But not just any barber.

I found Tony's dad in Cicero.

He's 97 and half-blind,

but he taught Tony
everything he knows.

He even trimmed my nose hairs.
Look.

Look.

Now, that's old-world
craftsmanship right there.

Now, I know you think I'm crazy,

but there's nothing
like going to a real barber.

Even though his hand
shakes a little.

[***]