Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 3, Episode 21 - Life's a Beach - full transcript
The Bundys spend a day at the beach.
* Love and marriage *
* Love and marriage *
* Go together
Like a horse and carriage *
* This, I tell you, brother *
* You can't have one
Without the other *
* Love and marriage *
* Love and marriage *
* It's an institute
You can't disparage *
* Ask the local gentry *
* And they will say
It's elementary *
* Try, try *
* Try to separate them *
* It's an illusion *
* Try, try *
* Try and you will only come *
* To this conclusion *
* Love and marriage-- **
Peg?
Kids?
Thank you.
No wife, no kids...
No pain.
The way God intended.
[SIGHS]
Now I'm truly alive.
Hi, honey.
Are the kids home?
What's it to you?
[SIGHS]
Nothing really.
I was just thinking
we could spend
some time together.
[TV TURNS ON]
[TV SHUTS OFF]
Isn't this nice?
Let's have sex.
Wait a second, Peg.
Didn't we do it
last month?
Yeah, but let's
finish it.
Sit up, shut up,
and brace yourself.
[CRYING]
Kids, save me!
No one can help you, Al.
Take me on a 30-second trip
to the moon.
Damn. It's mom's birthday.
Kids.
Don't ever leave me alone
with your mother again.
How was school?
It was fine, Mom.
This is our last week.
Uh-oh.
I'd better start going.
Kelly, are you failing again?
Say something to her, Al.
This is
no good, Kelly.
Now, go play.
Let's not forget
we're parents.
Now, come on, Kelly,
There must be someone at school
you can cheat off.
You can't be a junior forever.
Oh, the pressure!
"Kelly,
you have to go to school.
"Kelly, you have to pass.
Kelly, you have to learn
to read."
How am I supposed to grow up
with this hanging over my head?
Come on now, sweetheart.
I know you can pass.
You're a smart girl.
You're right, Mom,
and I will not be seen
sitting next
to my little brother
in "since" class.
That's science class, Kel.
Oh, Al,
she's trying
so hard.
Hey, maybe what I need
is a smart little feeb
with no social life
to tutor me.
Bud, would you help me pass?
I'll give it a shot,
but I might have more luck
teaching Buck
how to sing and dance.
What subjects
do you need help in?
I don't know.
What classes
am I taking?
Oh, Al.
A warm family moment.
Now, sit up, shut up,
and brace yourself.
Wait a second, Peg.
Remember, the kids are here.
Now, if you wanna have sex,
they'll have to leave,
and if you want it to be good,
you'll have to leave.
I want us to have
a beautiful expression
of our love.
Now, come on.
[GAGS]
Now, let's go downstairs.
You can put
some dirty laundry
on the ping-pong table
and disappoint me
as only you can.
Well, after you, sweetheart.
Uh-huh.
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
PEG:
Open this door, Al!
When I get outta here,
we're gonna do it twice!
That means
a full minute, Al!
[POUNDING CONTINUES]
[AL WHIMPERING]
I deserve
a beautiful expression
of our love,
you slug...
and I'm gonna have it!
Oh...hi, kids.
[SIGHS]
So how's
the studying going?
Great, we're on our way
to the library.
Bud's really been helping me.
We've been
studying history.
For instance,
did you know
that Thomas Jefferson's
wife was black?
He and Weezy
were poor once, you know.
He was a real
Renaissance man.
He was an architect
and a dry cleaner.
And a songwriter.
Tell them, Kel.
Well, when Thomas Jefferson
was writing
The Declaration
of Independence,
on the back,
he wrote this song...
* Well, I'm movin' on up *
* To the east side *
* To a deluxe apartment *
* In the sky *
* We're movin' on up *
* Movin' on up *
* To the east side *
* Movin' on up *
* We finally got
a piece of the pie **
Junior no more,
huh, Dad?
Al, I'm worried
about Kelly.
Oh, well.
Sit up, shut up,
and brace yourself.
Peggy!
There's something
disgusting going on
in this neighborhood!
See, Peg?
Now everybody knows.
I knew we should have
skipped foreplay.
What happened, Marce?
It was horrible.
I was just getting
into my nightie
before Steve came home
for a little
three-hour love fest.
It's all
we have time for
on a work night.
Then, I saw
this hideous face
in the window.
It was a peeper.
Men are slime.
That's right.
Here's one!
Hi, honey.
I thought I saw you over here.
So, before I deck
the whole herd over there,
what's going on?
Steve, I was peeped.
It was awful.
He saw me in
all my nakedness.
What did he see, honey?
Did-- Did he see
your jimmies?
He saw it all, Steve.
Marcy, did they
find this guy
passed out in the bushes,
still twitching from fear?
Because I mean,
just the thought of it
gives me
the heebie-jeebies.
Anyway, I screamed
and ran outside.
The neighborhood women
came to my aid,
and guess what?
He's been peeping
all over the neighborhood.
We've got ourselves
a serial peeper.
He peeped me last night.
Oh!
He peeped you?
Yes. It was horrible.
How was it for you?
Al...
Please.
The fat and unattractive
have rights too.
So do the beautiful.
I was peeped too.
The beast!
Could you show us what he saw?
This swine must be stopped...
Yes!
Right.
And we are just
the babes to do it.
That's right!
Yeah, no man
looks at me and lives.
You said a mouthful.
Let's lynch him!
That's it.
String him up, yes.
All right, but before
we hang him,
we'll bring him to my garage.
We have a stereo there
that we can use
to cover his screams,
and a-screamin' he will be.
I know a toenail
doesn't seem like much,
but when peeled slowly away
from the peeper's body
with a pair of rusty tweezers...
then justice will finally belong
to the peepees!
ALL: Yes!
Uh...Marcy.
What about the big boys?
Did he see them too?
Steve, how could he
see the jimmies
and not see
the big boys?
Now, shut up.
All right, then,
are we all together
on the slow
and brutal death
of this man?
ALL: Oh, yes!
What about you, Peggy?
Well, sure.
He must be st--
He peeped you too?
Is there anyone
this guy hasn't peeped?
Just you and Old Lady McGinty.
OLD LADY: Something
must be done.
I've just been peeped!
[ALL GASP]
Oh, Al.
Nobody wants to peep me.
Hold me.
Well, nobody wants
to hold you, either.
Al, he's looking at me.
No, Peg.
It's an owl.
Yeah, he's seen you.
He's spinning
out of control.
Now he's down.
Well, you've killed.
Can we shut the window now?
Al, tell me
the truth.
I'm losing my looks,
aren't I?
No!
Oh, you're
just saying that
because you know
that's what I want to hear.
Now, tell me the truth.
Am I losing my looks?
Yes.
You pig.
You know I'm down.
The least
you could do is lie.
Well, come on, honey,
sit down here a second.
He can't see me
if I'm sitting down.
Peg, look.
This guy
is obviously crazy.
I mean, he must be crazy
if he won't look at you.
You've got it all, Peg.
Aw.
Like what, Al?
You know, like...
I don't know.
I just said it
because I'm tired.
Look, Al.
I let you sleep
through the conception
of our two children,
but not this time.
No one is going to sleep
until I get peeped.
Well, Peg,
maybe it's just because
we're up here
on the second floor and all,
and it's hard
to get up here to look.
That's no excuse.
I left a ladder
and milk and cookies
on the ledge.
Hi, Dad. Hi, Mom.
How's the studying
coming?
Great.
Kelly, tell Mom and Dad
the theory of relativity.
Mom and Dad
are my relatives,
therefore, I am.
That's terrific, honey.
Bud, can I talk to you
for a second over here?
From now on,
I'm going to be
Kelly Bundy, senior...
not just a name
on the bathroom wall.
[SIGHS]
[PATTING ON BED]
Now, son,
I know you're having fun
with your sister,
her being, well,
a dullard and all...
but if Kelly doesn't
get out of high school,
she'll never leave home.
Then Daddy will never
get his own room.
If that happens,
I just might run amok
in alphabetical order.
Do you understand, Bud?
I think I understand.
So, no "Shakespeare,
the friendly ghost"?
No "I Dream of Lincoln"?
No, Bud.
Why did you have me?
Peg, why did we have him?
Peg!
I have cookies.
[SIGHS]
He's not coming.
Nobody wants
to look at me.
Nobody wants me.
Nobody loves me!
[WAILING]
AL: You know what
you have to do, cowboy.
I care about you, pooky.
Really, Al?
Oh, yes.
Do I ever.
Just seeing you
over there by the window...
really turns me on.
Come to Daddy.
Oh, Al!
Oh, God.
Well, it's not my fault.
I'm sure he'll peep me
in his own good time.
Goodbye, Mom.
Well, the peeper
is still working
the neighborhood.
Everyone has been peeped twice,
and here I am, peepless.
Oh, Peg.
Seeing you sitting there
by the phone
really turns me on.
Oh, shut up, Al.
You think I'm really satisfied
hearing you say,
"Twenty-eight, 29, 30,
I'm out of here"?
Now, I'm going upstairs
to try on some clothes
in the window.
Maybe I ought to get a job
in the bomb squad.
At least then there'd be hope.
Hey, Dad.
What are you doing?
Sitting by
the dock of the bay...
wasting time.
Is she learning anything?
Kelly.
What's the
Bill of Rights?
The first 10 amendments
to the constitution.
What are the three
main types of clouds?
There are three--
cumulus, cirrus,
and stratus.
What is a synapse?
The junction...
a microscopic gap,
actually,
of two neighboring
neurons or nerve cells.
That's incredible.
Good job, Bud.
Thanks, Dad...
but, uh...
there is one slight problem.
See, if you take
a gallon of knowledge
and pour it
into a shot-glass of a brain,
you're gonna spill some.
In other words,
certain basic information
had to be sacrificed.
Like what?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
What was that?
The doorbell.
Oh.
Who's the old guy?
That's Dad.
Oh.
Are you our dog?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Doorbell.
Al, I got a problem.
This Peeping Tom thing
is ruining my marriage.
Marcy's so upset,
she hasn't let me
have sex with her
for five days.
Well, it could be worse.
I've had sex with mine
for five straight days.
Only way
I get through it
is to put a little TV
on the pillow next to her
so I can watch
Get Smart.
Well, I like
having sex with Marcy.
Without sex,
I might as well
live with my mother
and be happy.
At least
in the morning,
I get my juice
and vitamin in bed.
Really?
My mom would just
light me up a Lucky
and send me
off to school.
But help me, Steve.
I can't go on
having sex with my wife.
I can't go on
having sex without mine.
PEGGY:
Peeper's not coming.
Oh, God.
I need a man.
Let me see.
Oh, well.
Al!
Oh, take it easy, Al.
Once Peggy gets peeped,
things will be
back to normal...
whatever that may be
around this house.
PEGGY: Al!
Oh, sweetums...
You know what
you have to do now, cowboy.
PEGGY:
* Love for sale *
* Tantalizing young-- *
[GARGLES AND SPITS]
* Love for sale *
Whoo...
Whoo!
Peep, peep, peep.
Peeper here.
Hmm. Cookies.
Peep, peep.
Aw, the hell with it.
WOMEN:
There he is!
It's him!
MARCY:
Let's get him, girls.
WOMAN:
Get the gasoline!
Help, help!
Peeper, peeper!
It's about time.
How dare you?
[SCREAMS]
MARCY:
Now we've got you!
Start it up, girls.
[CHAINSAW BUZZING]
[AL SCREAMS]
Oh, honey, that was
so sweet of you
to pretend to be
the peeper
just to make me
feel good.
[SIGHS]
Well, great news.
Last night,
while you were
in intensive care,
I finally got peeped
by the real peeper.
Isn't that great?
I'm so happy for you.
Mm, mm...tooth.
Oh, and by the way, honey,
the neighborhood women
really feel bad
about setting you
on fire like that.
That's okay.
I'm just sorry I kept
going out on them.
Must have been
all that sweat.
Folks...
a big welcome for Kelly Bundy...
senior.
I passed!
PEGGY: Oh!
Ow.
Thank God,
I don't have to
study ever again.
I'm a senior.
Oh, man,
two more years,
and I graduate.
Oh, honey, this calls
for a real celebration.
Let's go out.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah!
Can somebody bring me
my medicine here?
Let's spend
Daddy's money.
Daddy's money!
The painkiller's
wearing off over here.
Oh, the hell with them.
At least I'm alone.
Now I can relax.
[***]
* Love and marriage *
* Go together
Like a horse and carriage *
* This, I tell you, brother *
* You can't have one
Without the other *
* Love and marriage *
* Love and marriage *
* It's an institute
You can't disparage *
* Ask the local gentry *
* And they will say
It's elementary *
* Try, try *
* Try to separate them *
* It's an illusion *
* Try, try *
* Try and you will only come *
* To this conclusion *
* Love and marriage-- **
Peg?
Kids?
Thank you.
No wife, no kids...
No pain.
The way God intended.
[SIGHS]
Now I'm truly alive.
Hi, honey.
Are the kids home?
What's it to you?
[SIGHS]
Nothing really.
I was just thinking
we could spend
some time together.
[TV TURNS ON]
[TV SHUTS OFF]
Isn't this nice?
Let's have sex.
Wait a second, Peg.
Didn't we do it
last month?
Yeah, but let's
finish it.
Sit up, shut up,
and brace yourself.
[CRYING]
Kids, save me!
No one can help you, Al.
Take me on a 30-second trip
to the moon.
Damn. It's mom's birthday.
Kids.
Don't ever leave me alone
with your mother again.
How was school?
It was fine, Mom.
This is our last week.
Uh-oh.
I'd better start going.
Kelly, are you failing again?
Say something to her, Al.
This is
no good, Kelly.
Now, go play.
Let's not forget
we're parents.
Now, come on, Kelly,
There must be someone at school
you can cheat off.
You can't be a junior forever.
Oh, the pressure!
"Kelly,
you have to go to school.
"Kelly, you have to pass.
Kelly, you have to learn
to read."
How am I supposed to grow up
with this hanging over my head?
Come on now, sweetheart.
I know you can pass.
You're a smart girl.
You're right, Mom,
and I will not be seen
sitting next
to my little brother
in "since" class.
That's science class, Kel.
Oh, Al,
she's trying
so hard.
Hey, maybe what I need
is a smart little feeb
with no social life
to tutor me.
Bud, would you help me pass?
I'll give it a shot,
but I might have more luck
teaching Buck
how to sing and dance.
What subjects
do you need help in?
I don't know.
What classes
am I taking?
Oh, Al.
A warm family moment.
Now, sit up, shut up,
and brace yourself.
Wait a second, Peg.
Remember, the kids are here.
Now, if you wanna have sex,
they'll have to leave,
and if you want it to be good,
you'll have to leave.
I want us to have
a beautiful expression
of our love.
Now, come on.
[GAGS]
Now, let's go downstairs.
You can put
some dirty laundry
on the ping-pong table
and disappoint me
as only you can.
Well, after you, sweetheart.
Uh-huh.
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
PEG:
Open this door, Al!
When I get outta here,
we're gonna do it twice!
That means
a full minute, Al!
[POUNDING CONTINUES]
[AL WHIMPERING]
I deserve
a beautiful expression
of our love,
you slug...
and I'm gonna have it!
Oh...hi, kids.
[SIGHS]
So how's
the studying going?
Great, we're on our way
to the library.
Bud's really been helping me.
We've been
studying history.
For instance,
did you know
that Thomas Jefferson's
wife was black?
He and Weezy
were poor once, you know.
He was a real
Renaissance man.
He was an architect
and a dry cleaner.
And a songwriter.
Tell them, Kel.
Well, when Thomas Jefferson
was writing
The Declaration
of Independence,
on the back,
he wrote this song...
* Well, I'm movin' on up *
* To the east side *
* To a deluxe apartment *
* In the sky *
* We're movin' on up *
* Movin' on up *
* To the east side *
* Movin' on up *
* We finally got
a piece of the pie **
Junior no more,
huh, Dad?
Al, I'm worried
about Kelly.
Oh, well.
Sit up, shut up,
and brace yourself.
Peggy!
There's something
disgusting going on
in this neighborhood!
See, Peg?
Now everybody knows.
I knew we should have
skipped foreplay.
What happened, Marce?
It was horrible.
I was just getting
into my nightie
before Steve came home
for a little
three-hour love fest.
It's all
we have time for
on a work night.
Then, I saw
this hideous face
in the window.
It was a peeper.
Men are slime.
That's right.
Here's one!
Hi, honey.
I thought I saw you over here.
So, before I deck
the whole herd over there,
what's going on?
Steve, I was peeped.
It was awful.
He saw me in
all my nakedness.
What did he see, honey?
Did-- Did he see
your jimmies?
He saw it all, Steve.
Marcy, did they
find this guy
passed out in the bushes,
still twitching from fear?
Because I mean,
just the thought of it
gives me
the heebie-jeebies.
Anyway, I screamed
and ran outside.
The neighborhood women
came to my aid,
and guess what?
He's been peeping
all over the neighborhood.
We've got ourselves
a serial peeper.
He peeped me last night.
Oh!
He peeped you?
Yes. It was horrible.
How was it for you?
Al...
Please.
The fat and unattractive
have rights too.
So do the beautiful.
I was peeped too.
The beast!
Could you show us what he saw?
This swine must be stopped...
Yes!
Right.
And we are just
the babes to do it.
That's right!
Yeah, no man
looks at me and lives.
You said a mouthful.
Let's lynch him!
That's it.
String him up, yes.
All right, but before
we hang him,
we'll bring him to my garage.
We have a stereo there
that we can use
to cover his screams,
and a-screamin' he will be.
I know a toenail
doesn't seem like much,
but when peeled slowly away
from the peeper's body
with a pair of rusty tweezers...
then justice will finally belong
to the peepees!
ALL: Yes!
Uh...Marcy.
What about the big boys?
Did he see them too?
Steve, how could he
see the jimmies
and not see
the big boys?
Now, shut up.
All right, then,
are we all together
on the slow
and brutal death
of this man?
ALL: Oh, yes!
What about you, Peggy?
Well, sure.
He must be st--
He peeped you too?
Is there anyone
this guy hasn't peeped?
Just you and Old Lady McGinty.
OLD LADY: Something
must be done.
I've just been peeped!
[ALL GASP]
Oh, Al.
Nobody wants to peep me.
Hold me.
Well, nobody wants
to hold you, either.
Al, he's looking at me.
No, Peg.
It's an owl.
Yeah, he's seen you.
He's spinning
out of control.
Now he's down.
Well, you've killed.
Can we shut the window now?
Al, tell me
the truth.
I'm losing my looks,
aren't I?
No!
Oh, you're
just saying that
because you know
that's what I want to hear.
Now, tell me the truth.
Am I losing my looks?
Yes.
You pig.
You know I'm down.
The least
you could do is lie.
Well, come on, honey,
sit down here a second.
He can't see me
if I'm sitting down.
Peg, look.
This guy
is obviously crazy.
I mean, he must be crazy
if he won't look at you.
You've got it all, Peg.
Aw.
Like what, Al?
You know, like...
I don't know.
I just said it
because I'm tired.
Look, Al.
I let you sleep
through the conception
of our two children,
but not this time.
No one is going to sleep
until I get peeped.
Well, Peg,
maybe it's just because
we're up here
on the second floor and all,
and it's hard
to get up here to look.
That's no excuse.
I left a ladder
and milk and cookies
on the ledge.
Hi, Dad. Hi, Mom.
How's the studying
coming?
Great.
Kelly, tell Mom and Dad
the theory of relativity.
Mom and Dad
are my relatives,
therefore, I am.
That's terrific, honey.
Bud, can I talk to you
for a second over here?
From now on,
I'm going to be
Kelly Bundy, senior...
not just a name
on the bathroom wall.
[SIGHS]
[PATTING ON BED]
Now, son,
I know you're having fun
with your sister,
her being, well,
a dullard and all...
but if Kelly doesn't
get out of high school,
she'll never leave home.
Then Daddy will never
get his own room.
If that happens,
I just might run amok
in alphabetical order.
Do you understand, Bud?
I think I understand.
So, no "Shakespeare,
the friendly ghost"?
No "I Dream of Lincoln"?
No, Bud.
Why did you have me?
Peg, why did we have him?
Peg!
I have cookies.
[SIGHS]
He's not coming.
Nobody wants
to look at me.
Nobody wants me.
Nobody loves me!
[WAILING]
AL: You know what
you have to do, cowboy.
I care about you, pooky.
Really, Al?
Oh, yes.
Do I ever.
Just seeing you
over there by the window...
really turns me on.
Come to Daddy.
Oh, Al!
Oh, God.
Well, it's not my fault.
I'm sure he'll peep me
in his own good time.
Goodbye, Mom.
Well, the peeper
is still working
the neighborhood.
Everyone has been peeped twice,
and here I am, peepless.
Oh, Peg.
Seeing you sitting there
by the phone
really turns me on.
Oh, shut up, Al.
You think I'm really satisfied
hearing you say,
"Twenty-eight, 29, 30,
I'm out of here"?
Now, I'm going upstairs
to try on some clothes
in the window.
Maybe I ought to get a job
in the bomb squad.
At least then there'd be hope.
Hey, Dad.
What are you doing?
Sitting by
the dock of the bay...
wasting time.
Is she learning anything?
Kelly.
What's the
Bill of Rights?
The first 10 amendments
to the constitution.
What are the three
main types of clouds?
There are three--
cumulus, cirrus,
and stratus.
What is a synapse?
The junction...
a microscopic gap,
actually,
of two neighboring
neurons or nerve cells.
That's incredible.
Good job, Bud.
Thanks, Dad...
but, uh...
there is one slight problem.
See, if you take
a gallon of knowledge
and pour it
into a shot-glass of a brain,
you're gonna spill some.
In other words,
certain basic information
had to be sacrificed.
Like what?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
What was that?
The doorbell.
Oh.
Who's the old guy?
That's Dad.
Oh.
Are you our dog?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Doorbell.
Al, I got a problem.
This Peeping Tom thing
is ruining my marriage.
Marcy's so upset,
she hasn't let me
have sex with her
for five days.
Well, it could be worse.
I've had sex with mine
for five straight days.
Only way
I get through it
is to put a little TV
on the pillow next to her
so I can watch
Get Smart.
Well, I like
having sex with Marcy.
Without sex,
I might as well
live with my mother
and be happy.
At least
in the morning,
I get my juice
and vitamin in bed.
Really?
My mom would just
light me up a Lucky
and send me
off to school.
But help me, Steve.
I can't go on
having sex with my wife.
I can't go on
having sex without mine.
PEGGY:
Peeper's not coming.
Oh, God.
I need a man.
Let me see.
Oh, well.
Al!
Oh, take it easy, Al.
Once Peggy gets peeped,
things will be
back to normal...
whatever that may be
around this house.
PEGGY: Al!
Oh, sweetums...
You know what
you have to do now, cowboy.
PEGGY:
* Love for sale *
* Tantalizing young-- *
[GARGLES AND SPITS]
* Love for sale *
Whoo...
Whoo!
Peep, peep, peep.
Peeper here.
Hmm. Cookies.
Peep, peep.
Aw, the hell with it.
WOMEN:
There he is!
It's him!
MARCY:
Let's get him, girls.
WOMAN:
Get the gasoline!
Help, help!
Peeper, peeper!
It's about time.
How dare you?
[SCREAMS]
MARCY:
Now we've got you!
Start it up, girls.
[CHAINSAW BUZZING]
[AL SCREAMS]
Oh, honey, that was
so sweet of you
to pretend to be
the peeper
just to make me
feel good.
[SIGHS]
Well, great news.
Last night,
while you were
in intensive care,
I finally got peeped
by the real peeper.
Isn't that great?
I'm so happy for you.
Mm, mm...tooth.
Oh, and by the way, honey,
the neighborhood women
really feel bad
about setting you
on fire like that.
That's okay.
I'm just sorry I kept
going out on them.
Must have been
all that sweat.
Folks...
a big welcome for Kelly Bundy...
senior.
I passed!
PEGGY: Oh!
Ow.
Thank God,
I don't have to
study ever again.
I'm a senior.
Oh, man,
two more years,
and I graduate.
Oh, honey, this calls
for a real celebration.
Let's go out.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah!
Can somebody bring me
my medicine here?
Let's spend
Daddy's money.
Daddy's money!
The painkiller's
wearing off over here.
Oh, the hell with them.
At least I'm alone.
Now I can relax.
[***]