Mapleworth Murders (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Killer Voices: Part II - full transcript
[WAILING]
-He's dead!
-[CROWD GASPS]
-Really?
-No, no, no.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
No!
[GRUNTS]
I wonder if the concert is canceled.
If it is, I get it but it's just something
I've really been looking forward to.
And what am I gonna do with this?
-Who could've done such a thing?
-Heifer Tattoos on Ninth Street...
-Not your tattoo, Gilbert.
-Right.
Who could've killed Bran BcBillan?
[SHOCKING MUSIC PLAYING]
MAN [OVER SPEAKERS]:
Fourteen's up.
Not that I'm complaining, but why is there
a taco shop in a funeral home?
There are so many funeral homes
in New Woodstream,
it's lucrative for food franchises
to piggyback on to it.
Plus, food does put a cork
in the sadness of the bereaved.
You know what you should do?
After a night
with all your new college friends,
after you've been dancing
and hip-hopping and crunk-funking,
you should come here and have
a big taco "munch-athon" with each other.
Yeah, I'll tell my college friends.
All of them.
WOMAN: Number 12,
your bereavement burrito is ready.
Welcome.
Programs? Tissue?
Chips and salsa?
Who could've killed
our crazy-attractive brother?
I'm not trying to stir up any shit,
but maybe it was you, Brody.
Now, why would I kill him?
He was the best singer in the group.
Well, now you're the best male singer
in the group, so just saying.
How dare you. I'm not a brother killer.
-You mother...
-[SCREAMING]
Stop it. Stop. Stop titty-twisting.
He's undershooting my nips
by, like, five inches.
What do you think I am, a cow?
Broda, I know this is a weird time
to bring this up...
but sister to sister, girl,
your breath smells
like a toddler's hot mall diaper.
These mints, they were given to me
by Bran before he passed.
Here, have one.
I don't want anything
from our fucking brother.
He was a grade-A asshole.
He's not even cold yet.
You are such a heartless bitch.
You're such a fart-less Mitch!
Everybody shut their holes, all of them.
Pie, pee, butt, and bung.
Maybe I'm glad I don't have siblings.
What can I say? They all came out breach.
It felt like pushing open TV trays
out of my queef station.
And then we did what all parents do:
We just kept them alive
until they started touring.
Wait, so which one died?
-I'm not sure. How many do we have?
-One less.
Since we're parents, we get free tacos.
Our deepest...
I'm starting to think
these smiling siblings' upbringing
wasn't as trippy as we think it was.
How the fink do you reprimand
that many kids?
You got Bran, Branda, Brody, Broda.
How the hell do you even keep up
with all those Bs?
It's just too many Bs.
I don't know if I can do it.
Well, your name is Billy Bills, sir.
-Get out of here, Gilbert!
-[STAMMERS]
I just can't believe he's gone.
We didn't hate him at all.
Aw. Sad.
My condolences, you guys.
Um...
Could you just, uh, sign your statements?
And, also, this one on the bottom too,
if you could, under your photo.
Uh, uh-uh. Ahem.
Gilbert. We talked about this
earlier in the car, right?
Come on, man. Not today.
Welcome, everyone.
I'm Undertaker Lee Drain.
I am here to be Bran BcBillan's
tour guide to Worm Town.
I will be lovingly tucking him in
to his forever dirt nap.
You might be wondering
why the casket is shaped so screwy.
Well, our toe-tagger here...
[SOBBING]
Sorry.
Our beloved friend and brother
died in a b-boy spin position
and we just couldn't uncurl him out of it.
Oh, we tried.
We dropped a shitload
of cinder blocks on him.
And tried to steam him out.
Even put him between a couple of F-150s
and tried to tow him apart
and, uh, he wouldn't budge.
Got to tell you, in all my years,
I've never seen anyone get that hard
that quick.
I believe that Bran was poisoned
with strychnine.
Ask any fruit rat.
It takes you from zero to stiffy
in 60 seconds.
Anyway, please put your hands together
for the BcBillan Brother Plus Sisters.
[WHOOPING]
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
My siblings and I would like to...
sing one of our hits
that our beloved brother, Bran,
used to love to shake his gorgeous ass to.
It's called "Moon Dust."
Oh, "Moon Dust."
Awful dust.
[PIANO PLAYING JAZZY TUNE]
ALL [SINGING]:
You got a can like a harvest moon
Why don't you shake it?
Like a tater that's steaming hot
Why don't you ding that dam
Like a Russian bot?
Oh, yeah
[ALL SCATTING]
Moon dust
[ORGAN PLAYING GENTLY]
[SOBBING]
Oh, no. My brother.
So sad.
Poor pudding.
I'll go get him.
Brody, come on.
Stop milking it.
Brody? Brody?
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Brody?
Brody!
-He's dead.
-What?
Brody's dead. My dead brother is talking
to my other dead brother.
The killer used the same poison
to kill Brody as they used on Bran.
But how did they sneak into the funeral?
Security is very tight.
They confiscated my massage egg.
Oh, boy.
Hey. It's that server from The Honey Pot.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Hi, hi, how are you?
I thought you hated these guys.
Also, we think you killed them.
You think I'd hurt them? I love them.
One of them put their seed inside of me
and I made a baby come out.
Which one?
I don't know. It was a really crazy night.
[SHOCKING MUSIC PLAYING]
HEIDI:
Oh.
Definitely Bran.
[GURGLES AND FARTS]
Depends on the angle. Look.
HEIDI:
I see Brody.
For all we know, you could've had
a "threezo" with Broda and Branda.
Yes! Gay science.
You leave me and my baby alone.
I'm sorry we offended you.
But I will confess
that while I was down there,
I gave your baby vaccinations,
in case you're one
of those batshit bee-hootches.
Thank you. I actually did forget.
Now, get the fuck out of my way.
Can't believe she couldn't remember
which one fathered her baby.
That's why I always keep a guest book.
She's clearly not the murderer,
but who is?
[WAILING]
Who am I gonna laugh with now, huh?
Who am I gonna shower with,
both regular and golden?
Tell me! Who's gonna gently pat dry
between the folds?
Why? Why my brothers?
They were my favorite siblings.
Why not me, huh?
I can make that happen, you cunt-burger!
I could poison you like this
and then you could all be dead together.
Branda, you are going to jail for murder!
-Pewntz, take her downtown!
-No.
-Take her downtown!
-No!
BILLS: Put the cuffs on her.
-No!
Pewntz, you gotta do better
than this, man.
She's limp and stiff at the same time.
BRANDA:
No!
Ah!
BILLS: Gilbert, you can't put cuffs
on a person if you got cuffs on.
-Go get her!
-I'm on it! Shoot.
Don't look at me like that.
-He's dead!
-[CROWD GASPS]
-Really?
-No, no, no.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
No!
[GRUNTS]
I wonder if the concert is canceled.
If it is, I get it but it's just something
I've really been looking forward to.
And what am I gonna do with this?
-Who could've done such a thing?
-Heifer Tattoos on Ninth Street...
-Not your tattoo, Gilbert.
-Right.
Who could've killed Bran BcBillan?
[SHOCKING MUSIC PLAYING]
MAN [OVER SPEAKERS]:
Fourteen's up.
Not that I'm complaining, but why is there
a taco shop in a funeral home?
There are so many funeral homes
in New Woodstream,
it's lucrative for food franchises
to piggyback on to it.
Plus, food does put a cork
in the sadness of the bereaved.
You know what you should do?
After a night
with all your new college friends,
after you've been dancing
and hip-hopping and crunk-funking,
you should come here and have
a big taco "munch-athon" with each other.
Yeah, I'll tell my college friends.
All of them.
WOMAN: Number 12,
your bereavement burrito is ready.
Welcome.
Programs? Tissue?
Chips and salsa?
Who could've killed
our crazy-attractive brother?
I'm not trying to stir up any shit,
but maybe it was you, Brody.
Now, why would I kill him?
He was the best singer in the group.
Well, now you're the best male singer
in the group, so just saying.
How dare you. I'm not a brother killer.
-You mother...
-[SCREAMING]
Stop it. Stop. Stop titty-twisting.
He's undershooting my nips
by, like, five inches.
What do you think I am, a cow?
Broda, I know this is a weird time
to bring this up...
but sister to sister, girl,
your breath smells
like a toddler's hot mall diaper.
These mints, they were given to me
by Bran before he passed.
Here, have one.
I don't want anything
from our fucking brother.
He was a grade-A asshole.
He's not even cold yet.
You are such a heartless bitch.
You're such a fart-less Mitch!
Everybody shut their holes, all of them.
Pie, pee, butt, and bung.
Maybe I'm glad I don't have siblings.
What can I say? They all came out breach.
It felt like pushing open TV trays
out of my queef station.
And then we did what all parents do:
We just kept them alive
until they started touring.
Wait, so which one died?
-I'm not sure. How many do we have?
-One less.
Since we're parents, we get free tacos.
Our deepest...
I'm starting to think
these smiling siblings' upbringing
wasn't as trippy as we think it was.
How the fink do you reprimand
that many kids?
You got Bran, Branda, Brody, Broda.
How the hell do you even keep up
with all those Bs?
It's just too many Bs.
I don't know if I can do it.
Well, your name is Billy Bills, sir.
-Get out of here, Gilbert!
-[STAMMERS]
I just can't believe he's gone.
We didn't hate him at all.
Aw. Sad.
My condolences, you guys.
Um...
Could you just, uh, sign your statements?
And, also, this one on the bottom too,
if you could, under your photo.
Uh, uh-uh. Ahem.
Gilbert. We talked about this
earlier in the car, right?
Come on, man. Not today.
Welcome, everyone.
I'm Undertaker Lee Drain.
I am here to be Bran BcBillan's
tour guide to Worm Town.
I will be lovingly tucking him in
to his forever dirt nap.
You might be wondering
why the casket is shaped so screwy.
Well, our toe-tagger here...
[SOBBING]
Sorry.
Our beloved friend and brother
died in a b-boy spin position
and we just couldn't uncurl him out of it.
Oh, we tried.
We dropped a shitload
of cinder blocks on him.
And tried to steam him out.
Even put him between a couple of F-150s
and tried to tow him apart
and, uh, he wouldn't budge.
Got to tell you, in all my years,
I've never seen anyone get that hard
that quick.
I believe that Bran was poisoned
with strychnine.
Ask any fruit rat.
It takes you from zero to stiffy
in 60 seconds.
Anyway, please put your hands together
for the BcBillan Brother Plus Sisters.
[WHOOPING]
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
My siblings and I would like to...
sing one of our hits
that our beloved brother, Bran,
used to love to shake his gorgeous ass to.
It's called "Moon Dust."
Oh, "Moon Dust."
Awful dust.
[PIANO PLAYING JAZZY TUNE]
ALL [SINGING]:
You got a can like a harvest moon
Why don't you shake it?
Like a tater that's steaming hot
Why don't you ding that dam
Like a Russian bot?
Oh, yeah
[ALL SCATTING]
Moon dust
[ORGAN PLAYING GENTLY]
[SOBBING]
Oh, no. My brother.
So sad.
Poor pudding.
I'll go get him.
Brody, come on.
Stop milking it.
Brody? Brody?
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Brody?
Brody!
-He's dead.
-What?
Brody's dead. My dead brother is talking
to my other dead brother.
The killer used the same poison
to kill Brody as they used on Bran.
But how did they sneak into the funeral?
Security is very tight.
They confiscated my massage egg.
Oh, boy.
Hey. It's that server from The Honey Pot.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Hi, hi, how are you?
I thought you hated these guys.
Also, we think you killed them.
You think I'd hurt them? I love them.
One of them put their seed inside of me
and I made a baby come out.
Which one?
I don't know. It was a really crazy night.
[SHOCKING MUSIC PLAYING]
HEIDI:
Oh.
Definitely Bran.
[GURGLES AND FARTS]
Depends on the angle. Look.
HEIDI:
I see Brody.
For all we know, you could've had
a "threezo" with Broda and Branda.
Yes! Gay science.
You leave me and my baby alone.
I'm sorry we offended you.
But I will confess
that while I was down there,
I gave your baby vaccinations,
in case you're one
of those batshit bee-hootches.
Thank you. I actually did forget.
Now, get the fuck out of my way.
Can't believe she couldn't remember
which one fathered her baby.
That's why I always keep a guest book.
She's clearly not the murderer,
but who is?
[WAILING]
Who am I gonna laugh with now, huh?
Who am I gonna shower with,
both regular and golden?
Tell me! Who's gonna gently pat dry
between the folds?
Why? Why my brothers?
They were my favorite siblings.
Why not me, huh?
I can make that happen, you cunt-burger!
I could poison you like this
and then you could all be dead together.
Branda, you are going to jail for murder!
-Pewntz, take her downtown!
-No.
-Take her downtown!
-No!
BILLS: Put the cuffs on her.
-No!
Pewntz, you gotta do better
than this, man.
She's limp and stiff at the same time.
BRANDA:
No!
Ah!
BILLS: Gilbert, you can't put cuffs
on a person if you got cuffs on.
-Go get her!
-I'm on it! Shoot.
Don't look at me like that.