Mapleworth Murders (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - A Killer's Beef: Part II - full transcript
There's been a murder.
Abigail, you know I can't just let you
barge into a crime scene.
Gilbert, you know it's always helpful
to have an extra set of eyes.
Well, you do have a nice set.
Of eyes.
I... wh...
What I mean is,
you're a very observant woman.
I mean, you always notice
when I lose an adult tooth.
Let me take just a swift peek
and maybe I'll find something peculiar.
Murder by ham!
Chief of police here!
Oh.
You didn't tell me
that Herlock Holmes was here.
Chief of Police Bills.
Mm. How'd she get in here?
Through the front door?
Not today, Gilbert.
No, not today, man.
You're about as sharp
as a baked potato, man.
I know you got a theory.
What happened here?
Well, after solving 116 of your murders,
you'd think that I'd get a "Come on in."
116? Christ.
It's our job as police officers,
Gilbert and I, to solve crimes.
It's your job as a writer
to write your little stories
for lonely gals laying around
eating chocolate.
The little round bonbons.
What are they called?
The round bonbons.
You... and you got
the little cherry inside.
What, the maraschino cherry?
Yeah, you bite it, and it's like
the bonbon threw up in your mouth.
Chief, my niece and I were here
before the murder,
and we overheard some tidbits
you may want to hear about.
You are itching, about to burst,
with the information.
Please. Huh?
I'd love to partake in that.
How about you, Gilbert?
- Yeah.
- Give it to us.
It appears he was killed with ham...
Ham! He was killed with ham.
Approximately 15 minutes...
15 minutes ago! 15 minutes ago.
I was gonna say 15 minutes.
You saw me, right?
But the spit got caught in my throat.
You didn't even pat my back
to see if I was choking or not.
- There is definitely foul play...
- Foul play going on here!
There's so much foul play in this room,
I can smell it.
Matter of fact,
we gotta vent this room out
'cause some more foul play might happen.
And if I was looking for a suspect,
I would check out the competing butcher.
He seems a little interested
in what we're talking about.
Hey, you're being pretty nosy right now
for someone who's not guilty!
Puence, go get him! Get him!
Get him! Get him!
God damn it!
Pull it, don't push it!
It's not a revolving door!
Wow, Aunt Abigail,
you're on a writing roll.
How's the novel coming along?
Well, I haven't started it yet,
but I'm writing a diary entry
about the nature of procrastination...
- Ha.
- And very shortly,
I'm getting ready to almost start.
I can't believe on my first day here,
someone got murdered.
It's pretty cool.
I mean, that's a normal afternoon
in New Woodstream, dear.
But something isn't sitting quite right
with me.
Ah, there's where that went!
Well, now that I can think more clearly,
I don't think Andy Hapsburg
is our murderer.
He wouldn't hurt a fly!
Well, he's a butcher.
I've got an idea.
We should talk to the son.
Bet he knows all his dad's enemies.
Now, Heidi, we must allow the police
to have enough time to do their jobs.
And that's enough time.
Let's go.
Yes.
It was supposed to be our grand opening,
but it feels more like a bland opening.
I wanted to make him proud,
and then he died.
- I'm so sorry.
- Thanks.
I'm still gonna open today.
Dad would've wanted Canelli and Son
to go on.
I owe him that.
The way he hated me was the way
a father was supposed to hate his son.
Ben Jr., I know this is a terrible time
to ask, but...
Who wanted to kill your dad?
Easy, Heidi.
His father just got murdered.
Sorry. I had a generic Red Bull.
That's all right.
I'm riding on Adderall.
What my niece meant to say was,
who do you think would want
to murder your father?
I have no idea who'd wanna ham my dad.
If I were you guys though,
I'd talk to my mom.
- She's...
- An asshole, we know.
I was gonna say she's at home.
My apologies. I misspoke.
Well, thanks so much for the tip.
Um...
Group shot.
Come on, Puence.
Puence, come in.
Puence here.
I'm gonna come over there
and sit next to you.
Roger.
What do we do here, Andy?
Oh, wow.
People saw you yelling at Canelli
before he was hammed.
Billy, come on.
You know I'm a yeller.
It's how I deal with stress!
You know I would never hurt anyone.
Except with my voice!
You made me run today
in my standing slacks.
Oh, that makes me mad.
You know why?
'Cause my insurance
does not cover chafing.
I'm sorry.
I just got really nervous
when everyone turned around
and looked at me
and Mrs. Mapleworth fingered me.
The bottom line of this, Andy...
You're going to jail for murder.
If you don't tell us
where the hell you were at 11:40!
I got the perfect alibi.
And the yelling thing is mine!
You came into my shop at 11:40.
You know what?
I was at your shop at 11:40.
Yes.
Yeah, I came in here...
I had a taste for bacon.
I wanted some bacon.
Right, remember?
You said you wanted to make some BLTs
for lunch.
- Bacon, lettuce, and tomato.
- BLT.
- I wanted to put it on wheat bread.
- Mm-hmm.
With a toothpick stuck in it like that.
And then you got a phone call
and you said, "Ope, I gotta go.
- Someone's been murdered."
- Yep, that's what happened.
So am I free to go?
Yeah.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, one more thing.
Now...
did I happen to leave that bacon
on that counter?
That I purchased?
'Cause if I did, I wanna talk to you
about getting a meat credit.
I don't think so.
Must not be home.
Was that a gunshot?
Something's amiss.
My Maple sense is tingling,
and not the sexy part.
Heidi, you wait here.
No.
Now, when you're probing someone,
you have to go for the sweets
before you get the deets.
Watch out, Aunt Abigail!
Abigail, you know I can't just let you
barge into a crime scene.
Gilbert, you know it's always helpful
to have an extra set of eyes.
Well, you do have a nice set.
Of eyes.
I... wh...
What I mean is,
you're a very observant woman.
I mean, you always notice
when I lose an adult tooth.
Let me take just a swift peek
and maybe I'll find something peculiar.
Murder by ham!
Chief of police here!
Oh.
You didn't tell me
that Herlock Holmes was here.
Chief of Police Bills.
Mm. How'd she get in here?
Through the front door?
Not today, Gilbert.
No, not today, man.
You're about as sharp
as a baked potato, man.
I know you got a theory.
What happened here?
Well, after solving 116 of your murders,
you'd think that I'd get a "Come on in."
116? Christ.
It's our job as police officers,
Gilbert and I, to solve crimes.
It's your job as a writer
to write your little stories
for lonely gals laying around
eating chocolate.
The little round bonbons.
What are they called?
The round bonbons.
You... and you got
the little cherry inside.
What, the maraschino cherry?
Yeah, you bite it, and it's like
the bonbon threw up in your mouth.
Chief, my niece and I were here
before the murder,
and we overheard some tidbits
you may want to hear about.
You are itching, about to burst,
with the information.
Please. Huh?
I'd love to partake in that.
How about you, Gilbert?
- Yeah.
- Give it to us.
It appears he was killed with ham...
Ham! He was killed with ham.
Approximately 15 minutes...
15 minutes ago! 15 minutes ago.
I was gonna say 15 minutes.
You saw me, right?
But the spit got caught in my throat.
You didn't even pat my back
to see if I was choking or not.
- There is definitely foul play...
- Foul play going on here!
There's so much foul play in this room,
I can smell it.
Matter of fact,
we gotta vent this room out
'cause some more foul play might happen.
And if I was looking for a suspect,
I would check out the competing butcher.
He seems a little interested
in what we're talking about.
Hey, you're being pretty nosy right now
for someone who's not guilty!
Puence, go get him! Get him!
Get him! Get him!
God damn it!
Pull it, don't push it!
It's not a revolving door!
Wow, Aunt Abigail,
you're on a writing roll.
How's the novel coming along?
Well, I haven't started it yet,
but I'm writing a diary entry
about the nature of procrastination...
- Ha.
- And very shortly,
I'm getting ready to almost start.
I can't believe on my first day here,
someone got murdered.
It's pretty cool.
I mean, that's a normal afternoon
in New Woodstream, dear.
But something isn't sitting quite right
with me.
Ah, there's where that went!
Well, now that I can think more clearly,
I don't think Andy Hapsburg
is our murderer.
He wouldn't hurt a fly!
Well, he's a butcher.
I've got an idea.
We should talk to the son.
Bet he knows all his dad's enemies.
Now, Heidi, we must allow the police
to have enough time to do their jobs.
And that's enough time.
Let's go.
Yes.
It was supposed to be our grand opening,
but it feels more like a bland opening.
I wanted to make him proud,
and then he died.
- I'm so sorry.
- Thanks.
I'm still gonna open today.
Dad would've wanted Canelli and Son
to go on.
I owe him that.
The way he hated me was the way
a father was supposed to hate his son.
Ben Jr., I know this is a terrible time
to ask, but...
Who wanted to kill your dad?
Easy, Heidi.
His father just got murdered.
Sorry. I had a generic Red Bull.
That's all right.
I'm riding on Adderall.
What my niece meant to say was,
who do you think would want
to murder your father?
I have no idea who'd wanna ham my dad.
If I were you guys though,
I'd talk to my mom.
- She's...
- An asshole, we know.
I was gonna say she's at home.
My apologies. I misspoke.
Well, thanks so much for the tip.
Um...
Group shot.
Come on, Puence.
Puence, come in.
Puence here.
I'm gonna come over there
and sit next to you.
Roger.
What do we do here, Andy?
Oh, wow.
People saw you yelling at Canelli
before he was hammed.
Billy, come on.
You know I'm a yeller.
It's how I deal with stress!
You know I would never hurt anyone.
Except with my voice!
You made me run today
in my standing slacks.
Oh, that makes me mad.
You know why?
'Cause my insurance
does not cover chafing.
I'm sorry.
I just got really nervous
when everyone turned around
and looked at me
and Mrs. Mapleworth fingered me.
The bottom line of this, Andy...
You're going to jail for murder.
If you don't tell us
where the hell you were at 11:40!
I got the perfect alibi.
And the yelling thing is mine!
You came into my shop at 11:40.
You know what?
I was at your shop at 11:40.
Yes.
Yeah, I came in here...
I had a taste for bacon.
I wanted some bacon.
Right, remember?
You said you wanted to make some BLTs
for lunch.
- Bacon, lettuce, and tomato.
- BLT.
- I wanted to put it on wheat bread.
- Mm-hmm.
With a toothpick stuck in it like that.
And then you got a phone call
and you said, "Ope, I gotta go.
- Someone's been murdered."
- Yep, that's what happened.
So am I free to go?
Yeah.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, one more thing.
Now...
did I happen to leave that bacon
on that counter?
That I purchased?
'Cause if I did, I wanna talk to you
about getting a meat credit.
I don't think so.
Must not be home.
Was that a gunshot?
Something's amiss.
My Maple sense is tingling,
and not the sexy part.
Heidi, you wait here.
No.
Now, when you're probing someone,
you have to go for the sweets
before you get the deets.
Watch out, Aunt Abigail!