Mapleworth Murders (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - A Killer's Beef: Part I - full transcript
- Good morning, New Woodstream.
Let's have a day of it.
[light music]
♪ ♪
Good morning, Peter.
Saw your wife.
She told me everything.
[cat meows]
[gasps] Well, who are you, sir?
I'm going to name you hungry for now.
And you can call me sucker.
Let's go. Come on in.
You're gonna love it.
Izzy, I have very exciting news.
Today I am going to start
my first ever full-length novel.
No more procrastination.
Now you go lay down
in your orthopedic bed.
Good darling.
And begin.
[phone rings]
Abigail Mapleworth.
To whom am I speaking?
- Hey, it's Jerry, your agent.
How's the novel coming?
- Jerry, I've written
64 murder mystery novellas.
I think I've got this.
I once wrote a Yelp review
that was 20 pages long
about a restaurant that used balsamic
that was not house-made, as claimed.
- Okay, well,
I'll let you work your magic.
- There's nothing magic
about murder, Jerry.
And you should also wear pants
when you're in the office.
- How did you...
I hate when you do that.
- All right. For real this time, Abigail.
And begin.
[doorbell dings]
Oh, my goodness gracious.
[dogs barking]
No bark! [barking stops]
[gasps] Heidi?
- Hi, Aunt Abigail.
- Ohh, come in here!
Look at you!
Oh, you've grown into
such a beautiful young gal.
I thought you were going to be
a little mushroom like I am,
but your legs got in the game
just in time.
- Mom and Dad said thanks so much
for letting me stay here.
- Of course.
- It was either this
or go home to Australia,
you know, back in the marsupial pouch.
- Oh. [laughs] [dogs barking]
- Oh!
- Oh, here are all the babies
from my marsupial pouch.
- Hi! Ohh.
- Oh, and give her kisses.
Oh, kisses!
So your parents tell me
that you're going to be finishing college
at New Woodstream
instead of Princeton.
- Uh, that reminds me.
I've gotta go online
and register for classes. - Hm.
- Um, what's your Wi-Fi?
- It's Wireless Network.
- You should change that.
Uh, password? - Oh.
WXRT443MQ123four...
The four is spelled F-O-U-R...
And then an entire line of asterisks
that just look like
a little blanket of snow.
- It's a strong password.
- And if you need anything at all,
at any time, you just...
[rings bell]
Dingy-ding.
And I'll be right in that bed right there.
- Wait, we're sleeping
right next to each other?
- Mm.
- Don't you have, like,
three other bedrooms? - I do.
There's one for the dogs,
one for the cats,
and then the third one
is where they all meet for parties.
[light music]
♪ ♪
As you can see, Heidi,
the town square
is quite the bevy of activity.
This is my favorite shop
All windchimes all the time,
and it's open till 11:00.
- [chuckles]
I can't post any of these.
Is it possible to have negative bars?
- Oh, there's a grand opening sign
up there.
Something is exciting.
Let's check it out.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it says it's a hot spot. Let's go.
- Well, I mean, it hasn't opened.
That's pretty cocky
to call themselves a hot spot. [chuckles]
- No, it's an Internet hot spot.
- Congrats on your big opening, jackass.
Maybe you can finally
pay me back the money
you sucked from my savings,
you prick.
I hope you die soon!
And if you don't, let me know,
so I can kill you myself!
[screams]
- Sorry about that.
That's my ex-wife.
She's an asshole.
So what do you think
of the shop?
- It's very nice.
I don't usually frequent meat markets.
- Oh, God damn it, Ben Jr.!
What are you doing now?
- Oh, I wanted to display
my homemade dry rub.
- [mocking] Dry rub.
You know what I wanted?
A daughter.
- You have Samantha.
- Yeah, but she's a shithead.
Now get that crap out of here!
Be better!
- Yes, sir.
- Come on. Move it!
God damn, that boy's got
about as much common sense
as a bee in a camper toilet.
Just like his mom,
the asshole from earlier. Hm.
- Um, excuse me,
what's your Wi-Fi?
- Wireless Network.
Password is A1B2C3D4
and then that little squiggle
that goes over Ns in Mexican words.
ABIGAIL: Okay.
- Canelli.
Get out of here, Andy Hapsberg.
- You get out of here,
and by out of here,
I mean out of this town!
I've been the New Woodstream butcher
since 1987.
- Well, we're all tired
of your limp meats.
- You're gonna be closed
and out of business in 30 days.
- Over my dead body.
- Well, I can arrange that!
- I'd like to see you try to kill me!
- Stop this nonsense.
You two are grown men.
I'm trying to show my young niece
around the beauty of New Woodstream,
and you two are acting
like ridiculous pussies
going at it hard in the alley.
- Wow.
- Now shake hands.
That's it. I believe in no time
you two will be fast friends,
sharing grinder stories
and comparing the size of your giblets
over a cold beer.
- That was surprisingly fun.
- Wait till you meet
the women's crochet league.
Now those are some skilled hookers.
- That was for you, Heidi.
- [laughs]
And finally, this is the western
New Woodstream cemetery.
- Aunt Abigail, this is
the fourth cemetery you've shown me.
- Well, the rest of them
are closed on Mondays.
Now let's go have a luncheon.
- Who says luncheon?
- I just did.
Did you not hear me?
And that's my favorite place
to get sanitary napkins.
[police siren wailing]
Oh, Heidi.
I'm going to have to
take off my tour guide hat for a moment
and exchange it for a mystery-solving tam.
Let's get to snooping.
- Okay, yeah.
- Gilbert, has there been
a crime committed?
- Ouch, ah, hey, Abigail.
[chuckles]
Not sure. I was just about to
go check it out myself, but...
[siren wails]
[laughs] Gol dang it.
This thing's on the fritz again.
[laughs] It's possessed.
Ohh. Okay.
[siren stops]
Oh, wait, Abigail.
You know the drill.
You gotta let me go in first.
Come on!
- Heidi, turn away, dear.
[dramatic music]
There's been a murder.
Let's have a day of it.
[light music]
♪ ♪
Good morning, Peter.
Saw your wife.
She told me everything.
[cat meows]
[gasps] Well, who are you, sir?
I'm going to name you hungry for now.
And you can call me sucker.
Let's go. Come on in.
You're gonna love it.
Izzy, I have very exciting news.
Today I am going to start
my first ever full-length novel.
No more procrastination.
Now you go lay down
in your orthopedic bed.
Good darling.
And begin.
[phone rings]
Abigail Mapleworth.
To whom am I speaking?
- Hey, it's Jerry, your agent.
How's the novel coming?
- Jerry, I've written
64 murder mystery novellas.
I think I've got this.
I once wrote a Yelp review
that was 20 pages long
about a restaurant that used balsamic
that was not house-made, as claimed.
- Okay, well,
I'll let you work your magic.
- There's nothing magic
about murder, Jerry.
And you should also wear pants
when you're in the office.
- How did you...
I hate when you do that.
- All right. For real this time, Abigail.
And begin.
[doorbell dings]
Oh, my goodness gracious.
[dogs barking]
No bark! [barking stops]
[gasps] Heidi?
- Hi, Aunt Abigail.
- Ohh, come in here!
Look at you!
Oh, you've grown into
such a beautiful young gal.
I thought you were going to be
a little mushroom like I am,
but your legs got in the game
just in time.
- Mom and Dad said thanks so much
for letting me stay here.
- Of course.
- It was either this
or go home to Australia,
you know, back in the marsupial pouch.
- Oh. [laughs] [dogs barking]
- Oh!
- Oh, here are all the babies
from my marsupial pouch.
- Hi! Ohh.
- Oh, and give her kisses.
Oh, kisses!
So your parents tell me
that you're going to be finishing college
at New Woodstream
instead of Princeton.
- Uh, that reminds me.
I've gotta go online
and register for classes. - Hm.
- Um, what's your Wi-Fi?
- It's Wireless Network.
- You should change that.
Uh, password? - Oh.
WXRT443MQ123four...
The four is spelled F-O-U-R...
And then an entire line of asterisks
that just look like
a little blanket of snow.
- It's a strong password.
- And if you need anything at all,
at any time, you just...
[rings bell]
Dingy-ding.
And I'll be right in that bed right there.
- Wait, we're sleeping
right next to each other?
- Mm.
- Don't you have, like,
three other bedrooms? - I do.
There's one for the dogs,
one for the cats,
and then the third one
is where they all meet for parties.
[light music]
♪ ♪
As you can see, Heidi,
the town square
is quite the bevy of activity.
This is my favorite shop
All windchimes all the time,
and it's open till 11:00.
- [chuckles]
I can't post any of these.
Is it possible to have negative bars?
- Oh, there's a grand opening sign
up there.
Something is exciting.
Let's check it out.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it says it's a hot spot. Let's go.
- Well, I mean, it hasn't opened.
That's pretty cocky
to call themselves a hot spot. [chuckles]
- No, it's an Internet hot spot.
- Congrats on your big opening, jackass.
Maybe you can finally
pay me back the money
you sucked from my savings,
you prick.
I hope you die soon!
And if you don't, let me know,
so I can kill you myself!
[screams]
- Sorry about that.
That's my ex-wife.
She's an asshole.
So what do you think
of the shop?
- It's very nice.
I don't usually frequent meat markets.
- Oh, God damn it, Ben Jr.!
What are you doing now?
- Oh, I wanted to display
my homemade dry rub.
- [mocking] Dry rub.
You know what I wanted?
A daughter.
- You have Samantha.
- Yeah, but she's a shithead.
Now get that crap out of here!
Be better!
- Yes, sir.
- Come on. Move it!
God damn, that boy's got
about as much common sense
as a bee in a camper toilet.
Just like his mom,
the asshole from earlier. Hm.
- Um, excuse me,
what's your Wi-Fi?
- Wireless Network.
Password is A1B2C3D4
and then that little squiggle
that goes over Ns in Mexican words.
ABIGAIL: Okay.
- Canelli.
Get out of here, Andy Hapsberg.
- You get out of here,
and by out of here,
I mean out of this town!
I've been the New Woodstream butcher
since 1987.
- Well, we're all tired
of your limp meats.
- You're gonna be closed
and out of business in 30 days.
- Over my dead body.
- Well, I can arrange that!
- I'd like to see you try to kill me!
- Stop this nonsense.
You two are grown men.
I'm trying to show my young niece
around the beauty of New Woodstream,
and you two are acting
like ridiculous pussies
going at it hard in the alley.
- Wow.
- Now shake hands.
That's it. I believe in no time
you two will be fast friends,
sharing grinder stories
and comparing the size of your giblets
over a cold beer.
- That was surprisingly fun.
- Wait till you meet
the women's crochet league.
Now those are some skilled hookers.
- That was for you, Heidi.
- [laughs]
And finally, this is the western
New Woodstream cemetery.
- Aunt Abigail, this is
the fourth cemetery you've shown me.
- Well, the rest of them
are closed on Mondays.
Now let's go have a luncheon.
- Who says luncheon?
- I just did.
Did you not hear me?
And that's my favorite place
to get sanitary napkins.
[police siren wailing]
Oh, Heidi.
I'm going to have to
take off my tour guide hat for a moment
and exchange it for a mystery-solving tam.
Let's get to snooping.
- Okay, yeah.
- Gilbert, has there been
a crime committed?
- Ouch, ah, hey, Abigail.
[chuckles]
Not sure. I was just about to
go check it out myself, but...
[siren wails]
[laughs] Gol dang it.
This thing's on the fritz again.
[laughs] It's possessed.
Ohh. Okay.
[siren stops]
Oh, wait, Abigail.
You know the drill.
You gotta let me go in first.
Come on!
- Heidi, turn away, dear.
[dramatic music]
There's been a murder.