Man with a Plan (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 9 - Stuck in the Middle with You - full transcript
Adam's mother-in-law, Alice, makes an unexpected visit and reveals some shocking news.
It says here
there's a super volcano
in Yellowstone
that's gonna explode and
- destroy the world.
- Yeah?
So, yes,
I will have another beer.
Who's that?
We're everybody you know.
You know who's not gonna
knock before they come
into your house?
Super volcano.
Adam.
Alice.
Yeah.
Look, guys,
it's my mother-in-law
at my door with
no warning.
I just wanted a nice visit
with my family.
Ah.Where's Andi?
Uh, she's out buying
new towels.
Yeah, she asked
if I wanted to go with her,
and now I regret saying no.
Oh.
Oh, Adam,
I love your little jokes.
I'm gonna go upstairs
- and surprise the kids.
- Okay.
Hey, Don.
Hello, little man
I don't know.
Where's your super volcano
when I need it?
- The nuts are better.
- Oh, good, you found my brownies.
I was saving those.
- Where's Alice?
- Upstairs unpacking.
She's really making herself
comfortable.
She already turned
the thermostat up to 80.
Andi is not gonna
like this surprise.
Well, what's the big deal?
Alice seems nice.
Uh, she is,
but she makes Andi crazy.
And instead of telling her mom
she makes her crazy,
Andi puts me in the middle.
And I have to take it,
because of one promise
I made in a church
20 years ago.
Andi's home.
I better go warn her outside,
away from anything
breakable.
Hey, honey.
I got the towels.
Oh, and I picked up
- Teddy's new baseball bat.
- Ooh.
Let me hold that for you.
And can I just say
that you look beautiful
and I will love you
until the end of time.
What happened and
how upset am I going to be?
Good, your mind is prepared
for something horrible.
Your mom is here.
- What?
- Mm-hmm.
But we're not ready.
I mean, I-I haven't steamed
or cleaned or washed
or prepped.
It looks like
our regular house in there.
Smart to get rid
of the bat, huh?
A volcano's bad enough,
but a super volcano will
take your head right off.
Hi, Mom.
Oh, there she is.
Oh, Don was just telling me
how we're all gonna die.
Ah.
Ah, this is such a surprise.
You're here.
Without calling or texting or
any of the things people do.
Where's Dad?
Oh, he's having a staycation
with George and Fred.
Those are our Yorkies.
We gave them human names
so it wouldn't be weird
when they sit and eat
at the table.
Now, u-uh, Mom, b-before
you say anything,
o-our house is
usually much neater.
Oh, it looks fine.
Yeah, sure.
Um... let's go into
the living room, huh?
Where the couch pillows
better be fluffed.
They might be.
I never know what you mean
when you say that.
He knows
what a fluffy pillow is, Mom.
You can't listen to him.
He's on the beer.
*MAN WITH A PLAN*
Season 04 Episode 09
Episode Title:
"Stuck in the Middle with You"
Aired on:
May 14, 2020
Sync & corrections by srjanapala
Hey.
I'm "on the beer"?
I made $300 last year
recycling your wine bottles.
I'm sorry. I-I know you
didn't do anything wrong.
It's just, you know,
when my mom is here,
I have to be perfect.
Hey, hey. Remember when
your mom wasn't here?
That was great, right?
I just don't want
to disappoint her.
You know, it's like
I'm ten years old.
Why can't you just
tell your mom
that you don't feel like
you can be yourself around her?
I-I think she needs
to hear that.
You're right.
She does need to hear that.
Finally.
But with one small
adjustment.
You see, I think
that she needs
to hear it from you.
Wha... No.
No. You're always putting
me in the middle.
Yeah, yeah.
You're my buffer.
My big, buff buffer.
Yeah, but I don't like it.
You know? We're barely over
last Thanksgiving,
when you made me tell her
that her cranberry salad
looked like a raccoon
that swallowed a firecracker.
Come on.
Once more for me?
One last job.
You know, in the movies,
they always get killed
on that one last job.
I-It... It'll be great.
It'll be great.
After dinner, I'll go to bed
and you can talk to her.
And then, when I wake up,
all the bad stuff will be over.
Just like surgery.
Fine.
I'll talk to her.
But I'm gonna be on the beer
when I do it.
Okay.
Hey.
Kids are all tucked in.
Where's Andi?
- Uh, already in bed.
- Yeah.
Somehow I got you all
to myself.
But, um,
it's good, because, uh, I need
to talk to you about something,
and it's a little delicate.
Okay.
Before we get to that, I have
to tell you something,
and it's-it's pretty personal.
That sounds like
an anybody-but-me situation.
Oh, but you know
that I love you like a son.
And you've been
so wonderful to me
from the first moment
that we met.
Oh, I-I think
you misunderstood.
I was just trying to sleep
with your daughter.
Adam, you're so funny.
But the thing is,
I've left Andi's father.
What?
Yeah. Oh, no,
it's okay, it's okay.
Oh, Frank and I have known
this was coming for a long time.
But last Thursday Frank sneezed
too loud and I just had it.
Oh, Alice, I'm sorry.
Oh, d... no, don't be.
I am rediscovering
who I am.
I mean, who knows,
I might be a vegan.
I might be a Democrat
or I might be a lesbian.
Wow.
Well, it's nice to have options.
Yeah. I do have one favor
to ask you, though.
- Yeah, sure, anything, anything.
- Well, uh,
Andi's gonna need
to hear the news.
- That'll be tough.
- Yeah.
Which is why I'd like
her to hear it from you.
That puts me in the middle.
You're gonna do
a super job.
And I'll take the kids
to the zoo tomorrow.
And when I get back,
all the messiness will be over.
It's just like surgery.
You scared me.
Oh, good, good.
Your mind is prepared
for something horrible again.
Oh, did the talk with my mom
not go well?
Well... there were some
complications during surgery.
She told me
some tough news.
Oh, my God. Did something happen
to the Yorkies?
Kind of.
Their parents split up.
Listen, I am here for you.
Whatever you need,
you just tell me.
'Cause you know
I won't know on my own.
God, my poor dad.
Yeah, well, the good news is,
I called to check on him.
He's doing great.
He's gonna open
a topless car wash
called Put 'Em on the Glass.
Yeah, he's been talking
about that for years.
Oh. Well,
that makes sense.
Yeah, you don't come up with
a clever name like that overnight.
I just... I never
saw this coming,
but I... although
I don't know why I would.
She never tells me anything.
She didn't even tell me this.
She made you do it.
And I don't appreciate
her making you
tell me things.
You should go tell her that.
What? That puts me
in the middle again.
Adam, 20 years ago,
you made a promise to me...
In a church. I remember.
I should've read
the fine print.
No You know what
would solve everything?
Is if your mom wasn't here.
Oh, I can't kick her out now.
She'll think I'm upset with her.
You are
upset with her.
That's why she can't know.
That's how we do it.
That's ridiculous.
But what I'm hearing is,
if you two can talk things out,
she can go?
Uh... I like it.
I like it. Now that there's
a little cheese in the trap,
I'm interested.
Ah. Good morning.
Hi, Mom.
You told her already?
But I'm still here.
The damn zoo doesn't open
till 10:00.
Oh...
Okay. Okay, okay, okay,
no more of this.
I-I'm done being the middleman.
Okay? You two need to talk to
each other like grown women,
not like a ten-year-old
and her mother.
How are we supposed to
magically be able to do that?
I don't know.
With alcohol.
Go... go out,
get drunk, say a bunch
of things you can't take back.
Act like a family,
for God's sakes.
So, Frank and Alice are
calling it a day, huh?
Phew. Talk about dropping out
of the marathon at mile 25.
Well, it's sad
they're breaking up,
but Frank's got a winner
with that car wash.
I mean, it's hard to compete
with soapy hooters.
Well, now I'm stuck in a house
with two women
who can't communicate.
So I'm sending them to a bar
to see if some cocktails
will help them
open up to each other.
I don't need drinks
to tell the truth.
I'll be honest
anywhere, anytime.
You look tired.
See?
If I'm honest, you could be
a little less honest.
Without Frank around,
I'll bet Alice is gonna try to
take over as favorite grandma.
I got cocky because
I was local, but now
I got to step up
my game.
I'm hungry.
I'm on it.
How about ice cream
for dinner, hmm?
Grandma Alice makes you eat
vegetables. What a dud.
Hey, Alice.
Hey, what's happening up here?
Looks like you had
some work done.
Oh, thanks, Don.
No, since, since I'm back
in the dating game,
I watched a video
about how to do a smoky eye.
Been there.
Hey, Alice, you, uh,
you ready for tonight?
Just have a real conversation
with Andi.
Talk about what
you're going through.
Well, it's been emotional...
Not to me, to Andi.
You did it again, there.
Oh, Joe's here.
Let's see if your mother-in-law can
still make the dogs bark.
She's a grandmother.
Why can't she just
bake some cookies?
God, Joe, look at you.
The older you get,
the more distinguished you look.
Oh, that's what
they tell me.
Well, I'm glad I found you,
'cause I need a little help.
- Hmm?
- Mmm. Ugh.
- Zip me up, would you?
- Oh.
What the hell
am I looking at?
What the hell am
I looking at?
I'm zipping it up,
not down, Bev.
You haven't zipped me up
since the '60s.
You tell me to hook it
with a back scratcher.
We're leaving, Joe.
We'll talk about this
when we get home.
I can't help it,
it's these khakis.
Tight in
all the right places.
Okay. I'm ready.
There's my girl.
Okay, you got this, babe,
all right?
You get a little tipsy,
talk things out,
and then it’s adios, Alice.
Huh? It's gonna be great.
Especially that last part.
Okay, come on, Alice.
Put your game face on.
We are walking.
Hustle. Hustle, hustle, hustle.
Okay. Hustle, hustle.
Okay.
All right. Hey, hey.
Just have a real
conversation with her.
Okay, well, don't get your hopes up.
- We don't have those.
- That's the spirit. Off you go.
Dad?
We heard about
Nana and Pop-Pop.
Is everything okay?
Oh. Uh, listen,
I don't want you guys
to worry
because your grandparents
split up, all right?
Yeah, your dad's right.
There's a super volcano
under Yellowstone
that's gonna make this the
least of your problems.
- There they are.
- Hi.
How'd it go?
Oh.
It was so beautiful.
Oh, I thought
this might work.
Therapy's great,
but liquor's quicker.
I mean, for the first time,
we could just be ourselves.
It's the most open
we've ever been.Yeah.
I think I was so
closed off before
because I had to be
perfect to convince myself
- that I was happy.
- Oh, yeah,
I don't
need the details.
I was just looking for
thumbs up, thumbs down.
Ooh. And guess what.
Our Uber driver asked
my mom for her number.
Ah.
Yeah, but he seemed
like a gentleman, right?
- He always used his turn signal.
- Yeah.
Well, good for you.
Ah... and now that things
are resolved between you two,
you can go start
your new life.
And where better to do
that than not here?
She's not going anywhere.
Like, we've just started
to bond.
As-as far as I'm concerned,
she could stay here forever.
Oh... Forever?
What...?
How can she stay forever
if she's leaving?
That doesn't make sense.
I'm just happy
that my daughter
wants me
around forever.
Aw...
Thanks for making us talk,
Adam.
You know, you did this.
Aw, you don't have
to rub it in.
Listen, we need
to talk about
how long your mom's gonna
be staying with us, because
the answer to that
can't be "forever."
Sure, baby.
Why don't you come chat
about it under the covers?
No, no, no-no-no-no,
this is serious.
- Your mom is...
- Blah,
blah, blah, take
your shirt off.
What? No, wait.
Honey, honey.
We have important
things to discuss.
But I'm feeling
so good.
I am not a machine.
Okay, you can't just turn me on.
- Okay, we'll talk tomorrow.
- Ooh!
Forever. That was
the exact word she used.
So, just get Andi
to ask Alice to leave.
I tried that.
But she bewitched me
with sex.
Wives will do that.
That's why I don't have
a snowmobile.
Or a say in anything.
I don't know what to do.
My wife is happy,
but I'm living with
my mother-in-law.
It's crazy. I got lonely
Uber drivers circling my house
like it's the airport.
So, the question is,
whose happiness
is more important,
yours or Andi's?
Why did you ask it like that?
Are you wearing a wire?
I got the solution to this.
Does it involve
a super volcano?
No.
But now I need a minute.
You know, Mom,
this week has
been so fun.
You know, we're so comfortable
around each other now,
we can shop for bras.
I mean, before this,
I don't even think
I could say
"bra" to you.
Hey, do you
like this one?
Uh... that's too complicated
to unhook.
I'm gonna be dating men in
the early stages of arthritis,
I want to make it
easy on them.
Oh. Wow, uh, maybe you should
pick your own bra.
This is what friends do.
Oh, and I have to tell you,
I am loving this sexual freedom.
See, now, your dad,
he wanted his wife
to be this bra.
But I wanted to be this bra.
I mean, you know, come on,
let's try some stuff, Frank.
Pull my hair
once in a while.
Okay.
So, for my wife's happiness,
I am just going
to accept the fact
that my mother-in-law lives
with us.
I'm gonna be a better person.
I'm gonna be that guy.
That guy sleeps in the garage.
Eventually with the car running.
Don does paint
a bleak picture.
But...
But nothing, I just thought he
did a nice job describing it.
My mom's got to go.
Oh, thank God. I was trying
to be a better person,
but it just doesn't
feel like me.
What changed your mind?
Well, like, I'm glad that my mom
and I are more open.
But now it’s too open.
I-I-If she leaves, maybe we
can just slow this whole thing down.
"If she leaves." I like
where you're going with this.
What do you
need from me?
Help me
get rid of her.
But without making her feel
like we're getting rid of her.
Okay. All right.
Using underhanded means
to get what I want.
Now this feels like me.
Okay, Mom. Per your request,
I made you a flirtini.
So, here's to your
sexual awakening, I guess.
Thanks, honey.
That's very woke of you.
I've been on the Internet.
Hey.
Thanks for coming.
You ready to do this?
It'll be easy. I'll let
the khakis do the talking.
Oh.
Hi, Joe.
Ah, there she is.
The soft spring night
can only be enhanced
by a beautiful woman.
Alice, let's dance.
Since that night I zipped you,
I've been dying to dip you.
But, Joe,
you're married to Bev.
And you used to be
married to Frank.
We're halfway there.
I knew when I saw
your Old Spice on the counter,
you were up to no good.
And you...
you get your hands off my man.
It's not what
it looks like.
It is if it looks like
love.
Joe, come on, stop
it. No, Bev, Bev,
I didn't mean for any
of this to happen.
I-I think it's my new bra.
It unleashed something.
Touch my husband again
and I'll unleash something.
- Ma, easy, Ma, easy.
- Get off me.
Easy.
Mom, may-maybe you should
head upstairs.
I don't know how long
he can hold her.
Honey, I don't know
if upstairs is far enough.
Where else
could she go?
I don't know.
No one in this family's safe
with her kind of
raw sexuality around.
A cougar needs to hunt.
You know, maybe it is
time for me to leave
and start my new life.
W... O-Only
if it's right for you.
Yeah, well, maybe I could
take a trip to Italy.
The land of olive oil
and hairy men.
Tell your story walking.
And if I see you
around here again,
I'll give you a smoky eye
without the makeup.
Mom.
You were terrifying.
Great performance.
What are you talking about?
What? Wh-Why don't you
know what I'm talking about?
Bev, there you are. I've been
looking all over for you.
I didn't get to tell her
about the plan.
- Ugh, no...
- What plan?
Dad was just faking it
to get Alice to leave.
Ah? Oh!
I'm sorry, Joe.
I wish I'd known.
I wouldn't have held back.
That was holding back?
Yeah. My mom
can beat up your mom.
- Bye, Mom.
- Bye, Alice.
Close the door.
Have fun in Italy.
Close the door!
Honey. Do you understand
what just happened?
Yeah. You closed the door
so your mom can't get back in.
No.
No.
Our whole relationship
has changed.
I can finally be myself
around her.
Of course, I'll have to get used to
her being herself around me,
but it’s a big step forward.
And it's all thanks to you.
Aw, well,
I'm happy for you.
Hmm.
Hey. You know how
we should celebrate?
Do, do, do that thing
where you unbutton my buttons.
Hmm.
Honey...
it's been a crazy week.
Let's just watch TV.
I miss your mom.
there's a super volcano
in Yellowstone
that's gonna explode and
- destroy the world.
- Yeah?
So, yes,
I will have another beer.
Who's that?
We're everybody you know.
You know who's not gonna
knock before they come
into your house?
Super volcano.
Adam.
Alice.
Yeah.
Look, guys,
it's my mother-in-law
at my door with
no warning.
I just wanted a nice visit
with my family.
Ah.Where's Andi?
Uh, she's out buying
new towels.
Yeah, she asked
if I wanted to go with her,
and now I regret saying no.
Oh.
Oh, Adam,
I love your little jokes.
I'm gonna go upstairs
- and surprise the kids.
- Okay.
Hey, Don.
Hello, little man
I don't know.
Where's your super volcano
when I need it?
- The nuts are better.
- Oh, good, you found my brownies.
I was saving those.
- Where's Alice?
- Upstairs unpacking.
She's really making herself
comfortable.
She already turned
the thermostat up to 80.
Andi is not gonna
like this surprise.
Well, what's the big deal?
Alice seems nice.
Uh, she is,
but she makes Andi crazy.
And instead of telling her mom
she makes her crazy,
Andi puts me in the middle.
And I have to take it,
because of one promise
I made in a church
20 years ago.
Andi's home.
I better go warn her outside,
away from anything
breakable.
Hey, honey.
I got the towels.
Oh, and I picked up
- Teddy's new baseball bat.
- Ooh.
Let me hold that for you.
And can I just say
that you look beautiful
and I will love you
until the end of time.
What happened and
how upset am I going to be?
Good, your mind is prepared
for something horrible.
Your mom is here.
- What?
- Mm-hmm.
But we're not ready.
I mean, I-I haven't steamed
or cleaned or washed
or prepped.
It looks like
our regular house in there.
Smart to get rid
of the bat, huh?
A volcano's bad enough,
but a super volcano will
take your head right off.
Hi, Mom.
Oh, there she is.
Oh, Don was just telling me
how we're all gonna die.
Ah.
Ah, this is such a surprise.
You're here.
Without calling or texting or
any of the things people do.
Where's Dad?
Oh, he's having a staycation
with George and Fred.
Those are our Yorkies.
We gave them human names
so it wouldn't be weird
when they sit and eat
at the table.
Now, u-uh, Mom, b-before
you say anything,
o-our house is
usually much neater.
Oh, it looks fine.
Yeah, sure.
Um... let's go into
the living room, huh?
Where the couch pillows
better be fluffed.
They might be.
I never know what you mean
when you say that.
He knows
what a fluffy pillow is, Mom.
You can't listen to him.
He's on the beer.
*MAN WITH A PLAN*
Season 04 Episode 09
Episode Title:
"Stuck in the Middle with You"
Aired on:
May 14, 2020
Sync & corrections by srjanapala
Hey.
I'm "on the beer"?
I made $300 last year
recycling your wine bottles.
I'm sorry. I-I know you
didn't do anything wrong.
It's just, you know,
when my mom is here,
I have to be perfect.
Hey, hey. Remember when
your mom wasn't here?
That was great, right?
I just don't want
to disappoint her.
You know, it's like
I'm ten years old.
Why can't you just
tell your mom
that you don't feel like
you can be yourself around her?
I-I think she needs
to hear that.
You're right.
She does need to hear that.
Finally.
But with one small
adjustment.
You see, I think
that she needs
to hear it from you.
Wha... No.
No. You're always putting
me in the middle.
Yeah, yeah.
You're my buffer.
My big, buff buffer.
Yeah, but I don't like it.
You know? We're barely over
last Thanksgiving,
when you made me tell her
that her cranberry salad
looked like a raccoon
that swallowed a firecracker.
Come on.
Once more for me?
One last job.
You know, in the movies,
they always get killed
on that one last job.
I-It... It'll be great.
It'll be great.
After dinner, I'll go to bed
and you can talk to her.
And then, when I wake up,
all the bad stuff will be over.
Just like surgery.
Fine.
I'll talk to her.
But I'm gonna be on the beer
when I do it.
Okay.
Hey.
Kids are all tucked in.
Where's Andi?
- Uh, already in bed.
- Yeah.
Somehow I got you all
to myself.
But, um,
it's good, because, uh, I need
to talk to you about something,
and it's a little delicate.
Okay.
Before we get to that, I have
to tell you something,
and it's-it's pretty personal.
That sounds like
an anybody-but-me situation.
Oh, but you know
that I love you like a son.
And you've been
so wonderful to me
from the first moment
that we met.
Oh, I-I think
you misunderstood.
I was just trying to sleep
with your daughter.
Adam, you're so funny.
But the thing is,
I've left Andi's father.
What?
Yeah. Oh, no,
it's okay, it's okay.
Oh, Frank and I have known
this was coming for a long time.
But last Thursday Frank sneezed
too loud and I just had it.
Oh, Alice, I'm sorry.
Oh, d... no, don't be.
I am rediscovering
who I am.
I mean, who knows,
I might be a vegan.
I might be a Democrat
or I might be a lesbian.
Wow.
Well, it's nice to have options.
Yeah. I do have one favor
to ask you, though.
- Yeah, sure, anything, anything.
- Well, uh,
Andi's gonna need
to hear the news.
- That'll be tough.
- Yeah.
Which is why I'd like
her to hear it from you.
That puts me in the middle.
You're gonna do
a super job.
And I'll take the kids
to the zoo tomorrow.
And when I get back,
all the messiness will be over.
It's just like surgery.
You scared me.
Oh, good, good.
Your mind is prepared
for something horrible again.
Oh, did the talk with my mom
not go well?
Well... there were some
complications during surgery.
She told me
some tough news.
Oh, my God. Did something happen
to the Yorkies?
Kind of.
Their parents split up.
Listen, I am here for you.
Whatever you need,
you just tell me.
'Cause you know
I won't know on my own.
God, my poor dad.
Yeah, well, the good news is,
I called to check on him.
He's doing great.
He's gonna open
a topless car wash
called Put 'Em on the Glass.
Yeah, he's been talking
about that for years.
Oh. Well,
that makes sense.
Yeah, you don't come up with
a clever name like that overnight.
I just... I never
saw this coming,
but I... although
I don't know why I would.
She never tells me anything.
She didn't even tell me this.
She made you do it.
And I don't appreciate
her making you
tell me things.
You should go tell her that.
What? That puts me
in the middle again.
Adam, 20 years ago,
you made a promise to me...
In a church. I remember.
I should've read
the fine print.
No You know what
would solve everything?
Is if your mom wasn't here.
Oh, I can't kick her out now.
She'll think I'm upset with her.
You are
upset with her.
That's why she can't know.
That's how we do it.
That's ridiculous.
But what I'm hearing is,
if you two can talk things out,
she can go?
Uh... I like it.
I like it. Now that there's
a little cheese in the trap,
I'm interested.
Ah. Good morning.
Hi, Mom.
You told her already?
But I'm still here.
The damn zoo doesn't open
till 10:00.
Oh...
Okay. Okay, okay, okay,
no more of this.
I-I'm done being the middleman.
Okay? You two need to talk to
each other like grown women,
not like a ten-year-old
and her mother.
How are we supposed to
magically be able to do that?
I don't know.
With alcohol.
Go... go out,
get drunk, say a bunch
of things you can't take back.
Act like a family,
for God's sakes.
So, Frank and Alice are
calling it a day, huh?
Phew. Talk about dropping out
of the marathon at mile 25.
Well, it's sad
they're breaking up,
but Frank's got a winner
with that car wash.
I mean, it's hard to compete
with soapy hooters.
Well, now I'm stuck in a house
with two women
who can't communicate.
So I'm sending them to a bar
to see if some cocktails
will help them
open up to each other.
I don't need drinks
to tell the truth.
I'll be honest
anywhere, anytime.
You look tired.
See?
If I'm honest, you could be
a little less honest.
Without Frank around,
I'll bet Alice is gonna try to
take over as favorite grandma.
I got cocky because
I was local, but now
I got to step up
my game.
I'm hungry.
I'm on it.
How about ice cream
for dinner, hmm?
Grandma Alice makes you eat
vegetables. What a dud.
Hey, Alice.
Hey, what's happening up here?
Looks like you had
some work done.
Oh, thanks, Don.
No, since, since I'm back
in the dating game,
I watched a video
about how to do a smoky eye.
Been there.
Hey, Alice, you, uh,
you ready for tonight?
Just have a real conversation
with Andi.
Talk about what
you're going through.
Well, it's been emotional...
Not to me, to Andi.
You did it again, there.
Oh, Joe's here.
Let's see if your mother-in-law can
still make the dogs bark.
She's a grandmother.
Why can't she just
bake some cookies?
God, Joe, look at you.
The older you get,
the more distinguished you look.
Oh, that's what
they tell me.
Well, I'm glad I found you,
'cause I need a little help.
- Hmm?
- Mmm. Ugh.
- Zip me up, would you?
- Oh.
What the hell
am I looking at?
What the hell am
I looking at?
I'm zipping it up,
not down, Bev.
You haven't zipped me up
since the '60s.
You tell me to hook it
with a back scratcher.
We're leaving, Joe.
We'll talk about this
when we get home.
I can't help it,
it's these khakis.
Tight in
all the right places.
Okay. I'm ready.
There's my girl.
Okay, you got this, babe,
all right?
You get a little tipsy,
talk things out,
and then it’s adios, Alice.
Huh? It's gonna be great.
Especially that last part.
Okay, come on, Alice.
Put your game face on.
We are walking.
Hustle. Hustle, hustle, hustle.
Okay. Hustle, hustle.
Okay.
All right. Hey, hey.
Just have a real
conversation with her.
Okay, well, don't get your hopes up.
- We don't have those.
- That's the spirit. Off you go.
Dad?
We heard about
Nana and Pop-Pop.
Is everything okay?
Oh. Uh, listen,
I don't want you guys
to worry
because your grandparents
split up, all right?
Yeah, your dad's right.
There's a super volcano
under Yellowstone
that's gonna make this the
least of your problems.
- There they are.
- Hi.
How'd it go?
Oh.
It was so beautiful.
Oh, I thought
this might work.
Therapy's great,
but liquor's quicker.
I mean, for the first time,
we could just be ourselves.
It's the most open
we've ever been.Yeah.
I think I was so
closed off before
because I had to be
perfect to convince myself
- that I was happy.
- Oh, yeah,
I don't
need the details.
I was just looking for
thumbs up, thumbs down.
Ooh. And guess what.
Our Uber driver asked
my mom for her number.
Ah.
Yeah, but he seemed
like a gentleman, right?
- He always used his turn signal.
- Yeah.
Well, good for you.
Ah... and now that things
are resolved between you two,
you can go start
your new life.
And where better to do
that than not here?
She's not going anywhere.
Like, we've just started
to bond.
As-as far as I'm concerned,
she could stay here forever.
Oh... Forever?
What...?
How can she stay forever
if she's leaving?
That doesn't make sense.
I'm just happy
that my daughter
wants me
around forever.
Aw...
Thanks for making us talk,
Adam.
You know, you did this.
Aw, you don't have
to rub it in.
Listen, we need
to talk about
how long your mom's gonna
be staying with us, because
the answer to that
can't be "forever."
Sure, baby.
Why don't you come chat
about it under the covers?
No, no, no-no-no-no,
this is serious.
- Your mom is...
- Blah,
blah, blah, take
your shirt off.
What? No, wait.
Honey, honey.
We have important
things to discuss.
But I'm feeling
so good.
I am not a machine.
Okay, you can't just turn me on.
- Okay, we'll talk tomorrow.
- Ooh!
Forever. That was
the exact word she used.
So, just get Andi
to ask Alice to leave.
I tried that.
But she bewitched me
with sex.
Wives will do that.
That's why I don't have
a snowmobile.
Or a say in anything.
I don't know what to do.
My wife is happy,
but I'm living with
my mother-in-law.
It's crazy. I got lonely
Uber drivers circling my house
like it's the airport.
So, the question is,
whose happiness
is more important,
yours or Andi's?
Why did you ask it like that?
Are you wearing a wire?
I got the solution to this.
Does it involve
a super volcano?
No.
But now I need a minute.
You know, Mom,
this week has
been so fun.
You know, we're so comfortable
around each other now,
we can shop for bras.
I mean, before this,
I don't even think
I could say
"bra" to you.
Hey, do you
like this one?
Uh... that's too complicated
to unhook.
I'm gonna be dating men in
the early stages of arthritis,
I want to make it
easy on them.
Oh. Wow, uh, maybe you should
pick your own bra.
This is what friends do.
Oh, and I have to tell you,
I am loving this sexual freedom.
See, now, your dad,
he wanted his wife
to be this bra.
But I wanted to be this bra.
I mean, you know, come on,
let's try some stuff, Frank.
Pull my hair
once in a while.
Okay.
So, for my wife's happiness,
I am just going
to accept the fact
that my mother-in-law lives
with us.
I'm gonna be a better person.
I'm gonna be that guy.
That guy sleeps in the garage.
Eventually with the car running.
Don does paint
a bleak picture.
But...
But nothing, I just thought he
did a nice job describing it.
My mom's got to go.
Oh, thank God. I was trying
to be a better person,
but it just doesn't
feel like me.
What changed your mind?
Well, like, I'm glad that my mom
and I are more open.
But now it’s too open.
I-I-If she leaves, maybe we
can just slow this whole thing down.
"If she leaves." I like
where you're going with this.
What do you
need from me?
Help me
get rid of her.
But without making her feel
like we're getting rid of her.
Okay. All right.
Using underhanded means
to get what I want.
Now this feels like me.
Okay, Mom. Per your request,
I made you a flirtini.
So, here's to your
sexual awakening, I guess.
Thanks, honey.
That's very woke of you.
I've been on the Internet.
Hey.
Thanks for coming.
You ready to do this?
It'll be easy. I'll let
the khakis do the talking.
Oh.
Hi, Joe.
Ah, there she is.
The soft spring night
can only be enhanced
by a beautiful woman.
Alice, let's dance.
Since that night I zipped you,
I've been dying to dip you.
But, Joe,
you're married to Bev.
And you used to be
married to Frank.
We're halfway there.
I knew when I saw
your Old Spice on the counter,
you were up to no good.
And you...
you get your hands off my man.
It's not what
it looks like.
It is if it looks like
love.
Joe, come on, stop
it. No, Bev, Bev,
I didn't mean for any
of this to happen.
I-I think it's my new bra.
It unleashed something.
Touch my husband again
and I'll unleash something.
- Ma, easy, Ma, easy.
- Get off me.
Easy.
Mom, may-maybe you should
head upstairs.
I don't know how long
he can hold her.
Honey, I don't know
if upstairs is far enough.
Where else
could she go?
I don't know.
No one in this family's safe
with her kind of
raw sexuality around.
A cougar needs to hunt.
You know, maybe it is
time for me to leave
and start my new life.
W... O-Only
if it's right for you.
Yeah, well, maybe I could
take a trip to Italy.
The land of olive oil
and hairy men.
Tell your story walking.
And if I see you
around here again,
I'll give you a smoky eye
without the makeup.
Mom.
You were terrifying.
Great performance.
What are you talking about?
What? Wh-Why don't you
know what I'm talking about?
Bev, there you are. I've been
looking all over for you.
I didn't get to tell her
about the plan.
- Ugh, no...
- What plan?
Dad was just faking it
to get Alice to leave.
Ah? Oh!
I'm sorry, Joe.
I wish I'd known.
I wouldn't have held back.
That was holding back?
Yeah. My mom
can beat up your mom.
- Bye, Mom.
- Bye, Alice.
Close the door.
Have fun in Italy.
Close the door!
Honey. Do you understand
what just happened?
Yeah. You closed the door
so your mom can't get back in.
No.
No.
Our whole relationship
has changed.
I can finally be myself
around her.
Of course, I'll have to get used to
her being herself around me,
but it’s a big step forward.
And it's all thanks to you.
Aw, well,
I'm happy for you.
Hmm.
Hey. You know how
we should celebrate?
Do, do, do that thing
where you unbutton my buttons.
Hmm.
Honey...
it's been a crazy week.
Let's just watch TV.
I miss your mom.