Man with a Plan (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 10 - Full Metal Teddy - full transcript

All right, it's report card day.

The least fun day
when I was your age,

but the most fun day now.

Hand them over.

I think
you'll be pleased.

Ooh, A, B, B, A. ABBA.

My favorite band
and my favorite grades.

Wow. Nice report
card, Katie.

Is it good enough
to go to Harvard? No.

Can we afford Harvard?
No.

Right in the sweet spot.



I remember what you said, Dad,
any college that ends in State.

Wow,
all smiley faces.

What can I say?
People love me.

Okay, girls,
great work.

Keep those grades up.

Excellent job, ladies.
Let's get out of here.

Teddy.

Yes, Father?

Where's your report card?

Oh, my school's
not doing grades anymore.

It's just based on
how we feel,

and I feel great.

I saw you shove it
in your pocket. Hand it over.

Come on, tight pants.



Good God, a "Z"?

I tried to change
a "D" to a "B" on the bus.

It was bumpy.

Your teachers say
you're not doing your homework.

Look, your grades
don't have to be perfect.

We just expect you
to try your best,

but this looks like
you're not trying at all.

Explain yourself,
mister.

I'm just looking
for a different lifestyle.

A different lifestyle?

Look, date who you want,
but do your homework.

Homework's a bummer, man.
I want to be free.

Teddy,
go to your room.

That's right.

We need some privacy
to talk about your punishment,

and I'll just say this...
Everything is on the table.

That was good.

"Everything's
on the table." Scary.

It's from a Liam Neeson movie.

Did he think we were gonna
buy that lifestyle stuff? Ugh.

I mean, if you blow off
your homework,

you say you lost it
or the dog ate it.

- They're classics for a reason.
- Yeah.

Well, we learned with Katie,
at some point,

kids stop doing their homework,

so we're gonna threaten
to send Teddy

where we threatened to send her.

- Military school.
- Military school.

It's a bluff,
but he doesn't know that.

Remember, as soon as Kate heard
the words "military school,"

her eyes got big
and her lip trembled.

That's when we knew we had her.

- We should write parenting books.
- Yeah.

You know, someday they're
gonna be too old to scare.

Let's enjoy it while we can.

Your father and I
have discussed

the consequences
of your report card.

And we've decided
what needs to be done.

This is very hard
for a mother,

so forgive me if I get
emotional, it's just

I'm gonna
miss you so much.

Get a hold of
yourself, Andi.

It's for his own good. I know.

Teddy, if you don't start
doing your homework,

we're gonna send you
to military school.

What? That's right.

Runcrest
Military Academy.

They call it Runcrest
because they make you run

to a crest.

That's a hill.

Just thinking about
my baby running up

that scorpion-infested hill,
it just, it breaks my heart.

So what's it gonna
be, Teddy, huh?

Homework or military school?

Well, that's easy.

Hmm. Military school.

- Come again?
- What's that now?

I could use the structure.
When do I ship out?

Teddy, go to your room.

This is my room.

Then go to a different part
of your room.

You heard your father.

There, in-in the dusty corner
where the vacuum can't reach.

*MAN WITH A PLAN*
Season 04 Episode 10

Episode Title: "Full Metal Teddy"
Aired on: May 21, 2020

"Go to a different part
of your room"?

I actually said that.

It's like a dragon opened its
mouth and jelly beans shot out.

Don't blame yourself.
We were in shock.

What kind of kid
wants to go to military school?

That trick used to work so well
on Katie.

Yeah, but Teddy didn't give us
the big-eye lip tremble.

I want our child sad and scared,
so we know we're good parents.

Sad and Scared... that's
a good title for our book.

Well,
he called our bluff.

Yeah, if the kids know
we're bluffing,

the wheels come off
this whole family, Andi,

so there's only one thing
left to do.

We're gonna actually send him
to military school.

Okay, Runcrest Military Academy.

Whoa-whoa, what-what?
What about Scorpion Hill?

You made that up.

Oh, it's so real to me now.

Okay, look.

Tuition, $300,
we can swing that.

That's the application fee.
This is the tuition.

Oh.

He's gonna flunk out of school
and live with us forever.

I don't want to be that lady
walking around Target

with her giant son begging her
for hot dog money.

I can't do it, Adam.

Oh, sorry, Andi,
didn't you hear?

He wants a different lifestyle.

Well, he's got to learn that
there is only one lifestyle:

Work hard, then die.

It's the American dream.

We can fix this, okay?
We're still in charge here.

Okay, yeah, you're right.

We'll, uh, we'll just
give Teddy a preview

of what happens to kids who
don't do their homework, yeah.

And we'll make it
look real bad.

Yes.

I mean, he can't be
that hard to outsmart.

I mean, we saw his report card.

Yeah, yeah,
and the best part is,

there's two of us
and there's only one of him.

You can never tell Mom
and Dad I'm helping you.

I won't. You're getting me
out of homework, I owe you.

I got to know,
what happened when you said

you wanted to go
to military school?

Dad's eyes got big
and Mom's lip trembled.

This is so great.

I fell for all their tricks
and now I get payback.

So what's next?

Nothing. We just blew up
their biggest move.

They might try one or two
other things, but it won't last.

Every day they get a little
older and a little tireder.

All right, smart guy,
military school's off.

They weren't as strict
as I wanted them to be.

They started
letting people smile.

But I can straighten you out
right here.

You won't do homework,
you'll do work-work.

Meet me in the driveway and
get ready to sweat. Hi, honey.

Work? These are video game
hands, not real-life hands.

Relax. I know
how to deal with this.

- How'd he look?
- Remember when he was

going down the hill
on his bicycle

and the handlebars came off?

He looked like that.

Okay, your job is to take this
messy pile of bricks over here

and turn it into a neat stack of
bricks on the pallet over there.

That sounds hard. Because it is.

If you can't be bothered
to do homework, the only thing

people are gonna trust you with
is grunt work.

And the kids who did homework

will get nice, cushy office jobs
with free muffins.

Free muffins, Teddy. Think about
what you're giving up.

So I'm gonna be a bricklayer?

No, no, my friend,
you're a brick mover.

You're one step above the brick.

If the brick had legs,
it wouldn't need you.

Get cracking.

Look at him out there
in the sun,

full of sweat and
regret.

Ooh!

He just dropped
a brick on his foot.

This is going great.
Yeah.

He's really...
not doing that right.

Th-Th-There's gaps, Andi,
gaps in the stack.

Well, he's just
getting started.

Yeah, but the beginning is
where you have to be perfect

or everything else
is out of whack.

Look at his edges...
They're all cattywampus.

Hey.

That's-that's-that's-that's
not how you do it.

If you got gaps,
your corners aren't square.

Have you never paid attention
to me when I talk about bricks?

We'll just have to start
this whole thing over.

- Hmm?
- That looks good, Dad.

Oh, you think it looks good now,
you just wait till I'm done.

You were right.

I messed the first few up
and he just took over.

Yup, I'm good.

If they gave grades for this,
I wouldget into Harvard.

Look at that perfect stack
of bricks.

Now we accomplished
something today.

Did we? 'Cause Teddy's
not even here anymore.

Good, he was slowing me down.

Adam, we were supposed to be
teaching him a lesson,

but instead
you did all the work.

It's like he taught us a lesson.

But you saw it, he had gaps.

When Teddy sees this,
he will know.

The only thing he'll know is how
to get out of stacking bricks.

Wait a minute, do you think
he messed up on purpose,

knowing I would take over?

Ah, that would require Teddy
taking one thought,

putting it together
with another thought,

and making a new thought.

Can he do that?

I would have said no,
but I'm the chump out here

covered in brick dust.

Getting kids to do homework
is a never-ending struggle.

My girls are in their
fifth year of Chinese,

but they still speak
like fourth-years,

so I punish them
by taking away their cellos.

Our kids are gonna be
working for his kids.

Joke's on them.

Our kids'll be
terrible employees.

If Teddy doesn't get
his act together,

he's gonna wind up
in summer school like I did.

Hey, that's right.

Don, maybe you could talk
some sense into Teddy, huh?

You learned
your lesson.

That summer,
all my friends went to camp,

and I had to sit in the library
with Mrs. Branch,

a lady so boring
she was named after a tree.

You know,
that could work on Teddy.

He'd hate the idea
of summer school.

Yeah. Take him
to lunch, Don.

Tell him what happened when
you didn't do yourhomework.

He'll listen to you. He thinks
you're cool for some reason.

I amcool.

I hate to break it to you,
but you got old and I didn't.

Then take mygirls
to lunch.

Maybe you can find out
why they've fallen behind

in their Russian literature
book club.

You know what, Lowell?
Just go home for the day.

A woman so boring
she was named after a tree.

Mrs. Branch.

Nothing?

Anyway, that's what
can happen to you.

See, the thing
is, Uncle Don,

Teddy wants a
different lifestyle.

Yeah. I'm not climbing
the corporate ladder

just 'cause The Man wants me to.

The Man.
I hate that guy.

But you work
for The Man.

You're his stooge.

You take that back.

If you know a way
off this hamster wheel,

I'm listening.

So, did you get through
to Teddy?

No, but Teddy got through to me.

He's really zigging
where the rest of us zag.

What?
What does thatmean?

Well, it means that
Kate and Teddy's philosophy

really spoke to me.

So, I'm gonna zag on home
and take a nap.

Wait. Kate was there?

Yeah. When I went to pick up
Teddy, she hopped in the car.

She said lunch was on her,
so I stopped asking questions.

Teddy and Katie never
hang out together.

Why would she be
at that lunch?

Good question.

And you know
something else? Hmm?

She was in his
room yesterday.

She hasn't been in there since
she caught him trying to twerk

in front of
his mirror.

Something's up.

You don't think...

She's helping him.

Why do I feel
so scared right now?

Because this is
Jurassic Park,

and we just found out
they learned how to work in packs.

So Teddy and Kate formed
a criminal conspiracy.

It is nice they're
spending time together, though.

Snap out it, Andi.

- I'm gonna put an end to this.
- Wait-wait-wait, stop.

Why? I'm all fired up!

Okay. What happens if you go
up there and yell at 'em?

I feel better.
And then I watch TV.

Yeah, but that won't get Teddy
to do his homework

and it won't stop Kate
from helping him.

Look, our only advantage is
that they don't know we know,

and we have to use that
to take back control.

I want control.

Why did I have kids if I
can't tell 'em what to do?

Yeah.

Everything flows from
problem number one:

how do we get Teddy
to do his homework?

Hey, Dad.

"Hey, Dad"?

Why'd you leave a stack of
bricks in your driveway?

Are you trying to tell the whole
neighborhood you've given up?

I... I was teaching
Teddy a lesson.

The only lesson he learned
is, his father gives up.

Did you hear that? I certainly did.

My dad can get
Teddy into shape.

Just like he did with me
when I got bad grades.

He was a terrible student.

All he wanted to do was sit
in his teacher's lap.

Aw.

He was 13.

Oh.

Yep. There was no estrogen
in the chicken back then.

I was a full man
in middle school.

When Dad heard

about that, he made me
water the whole front yard

- with a tiny Dixie cup.
- Yeah, it's the slowest,

most painful way
to water a lawn,

but delightful to watch.

Joe, we-we've got
homework problems with Teddy.

Can you take him to your place
and fix him up?

- Sure.
- That's good, yeah.

He'll be separated
from Katie.

She's the brains
of the operation.

Sounds like a job
for Old Tough Nuts.

That's what he used to call
himself when I was in trouble.

And I was in trouble a lot.

I had a full mustache
in fifth grade.

He looked like Sonny Bono.

Since we can't get you
to do your homework,

we're turning you over
to your grandfather.

We're sorry it's
come to this.

That's okay.
I like Grandpa.

Our relationship
has changed.

So, I have to water the lawn
with this, or do my homework?

No, homework's out.
This is just your life now.

Can I talk to Grandma?

I sent her to Atlantic City

with a coffee can
full of quarters.

No one can save you now.

All right.

The lawn is watered.

Where's my Dixie cup?

It fell apart.
I was out there for hours.

That was my favorite cup!

All right, you can pay me back
with some elbow grease.

You see those shoes?

Make 'em shiny so I can see
my beautiful face.

Dinnertime, grunt.

A can of shrimp?

If you can open it,
you can eat it.

Finally done
with the dishes.

Can we watch TV now?

Bedtime.

But it's only 6:30.

You're gonna need that sleep.

Tomorrow you're digging holes
in the backyard.

For what?

To have a place
to put all your questions.

Rise and shine, cadet.

It's 4:00 in the morning.

I let you sleep in
because I'm a softy.

Morning, fellas.

Oh. He's got you counting
toothpicks, huh?

There's supposed
to be a thousand,

but Grandpa says they always
short him a couple.

Yeah.

He made me do that
after I asked the school nurse

to the eighth grade formal.

All right.
Keep an eye on him.

I'm going out back to string
some barbed wire

for the obstacle course.

If he makes it through,
he earns a can opener.

You've got to get me
out of here. I'll do anything.

Even your homework?

I promise.

Mmm, I don't know.

Maybe you should still try
the obstacle course.

Grandpa went all the way
across town

to get that barbed wire.

No. I'll do
all my homework forever.

I swear.

Okay. Deal.

You will thank me for this
when you're sitting

in your cushy office,
eating free muffins.

I know. Can we please leave
before he comes back?

Sure.

Now we're both graduates
of Camp Tough Nuts.

Did he give you a can of shrimp
and no way to open it? Yep.

Ugh, he's been doing that
since the '70s.

Might even be
the same can of shrimp.

Okay.

It's time, Teddy.

You need to give up
your accomplice.

Who was helping you?

You're the body of the
snake, we want the head.

We already have a suspect,
so you might as well come clean.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Maybe you can't remember
because you're so hungry

from Grandpa's house.

I am.

Then let us jog
your memory.

Do it, Andi.

It was Kate. It was all Kate.
I never wanted to lie to you.

I love you, Mommy and Daddy.

You're back. What happened?
Are you in trouble?

I'mnot.

What do you mean?

Hey, Teddy?

Teddy!

Teddy, wh-what happened?

Teddy, open the door!

He's not gonna
answer, Kate.

Oh, no.

Oh, look. We finally got
our big-eyed lip tremble.

- Hmm.
- Ooh.

She added a knee wobble.

Well, that's new.

I like it.

Sad and scared.
Now we know we're good parents.

I'm really sorry.

But isn't the guilt I'm feeling
punishment enough? I think so.

Is it enough
for you, Adam?

Your punishment
isn't up to us.

What do you mean?

Grandpa?

Our relationship has changed.

Start running.

I've got a Dixie cup at home
with your name on it.

Hey, if the kids can work
in packs, so can we.

That's right.

And our pack is scarier

'cause we got the T. rex.

There you are. So, you're not
coming to work anymore?

It's been two days.

Well, some people
are worker bees,

some people are butterflies.

Me and Teddy are butterflies.

Well, you have to
make up those hours.

And I found just the right
person to make sure you do.

Mrs. Branch?

Mm-hmm.
Still working at the library.

Here.
Have a seat.

Have a good summer, Don.

Sync corrections by srjanapala