Man to Man with Dean Learner (2006): Season 1, Episode 2 - Steve Pising - full transcript

'Live from his luxury penthouse apartment
in London's glittering East End,

'Dean Learner, club-owner,
entrepreneur and publisher

"of high-class gentlemen's magazines,
invites you to join him

'for an exclusive Man to Man.'

'Please welcome Mr Dean Learner.'

Thank you. Thank you so much.

A thousand thank-yous.
Welcome to Man to Man.

My name is Dean Learner
and you could say I'm a one-man brand.

I've got a club called Deanos,
a restaurant called Chez Deanos,

an erotic comic called The Deano

and a men's magazine called Jigglers.



That was originally called Deano's Jigglers,

but the image it conjured up
was at best harrowing, wasn't it?

< Yep.

This show is an attempt to bring back
some refinement to modern television -

a medium that has become
so depraved, so venal

that I'm almost ashamed
to be associated with it.

And I've worked in skin.

In short, you can sum up the credos
of Man to Man in one word - class.

What is class? It's impossible to define,

despite what dictionaries
would have us believe.

But certain images
can conjure up its essence.

Jumbo prawns, ankle bracelets,

and dimmer switches in the toilet.

And my special guest this evening
is pure class.



He's the candelabra
of toilet lighting, if you will.

As many of you'll know, I've had
a long-standing love of motor racing.

Back in the '80s I even had my own team
called the Dean Team.

Perhaps you've heard of it or,
perhaps you haven't.

Those are the two options.

The point is, tonight's VIP visitor
was the most famous driver

the Dean Team ever had,
but you might know him better now

as a spokesman for a major
hair restoral company.

Having lived life in the fast lane
for well over a decade,

it's no surprise to me that
my back hair has begun to fall out.

But with Back Studio's revolutionary
new hair restoral treatment

my back, sac, crack and shoulders

have been restored to their bushy best
in just under three years.

Has it changed my life?

You betcha! Back in business.

Please welcome the four-times
former Formula Five world champion,

Steve "The Accelerator" Pieing.
With one S.

Thank you, Dean...

One second. OK.

And go!

Thank you, Dean.
I'm over the moon to be here.

Can I say that's an hilarious start
to the proceedings,

albeit technically inaccurate.

The chequered flag usually denotes
the close of a race whereas the start

is usually signified by a sequence
of coloured lights flashing

red, red, green, then out,
but thank you and thank you also

for the correct pronunciation of my surname.

So many people over the years have
pronounced it "Pie-sing", or "Pizzing".

It's not. It's Pieing.

I've said it once, and I'll say it again -

Pieing is my name and I'm proud to be
a Pieing, and that's the end of it.

- Agreed.
- That's the end of it, Dean.

Sure, sure.

Some time back your racing career
was cut tragically short

by an horrendous car accident,
of which more in the dueness, of course,

which means a lot of our younger
viewers may not know you were once

four-times Formula Five world champion.

Forgive me for blowing smoke
up my own trumpet,

but all of those wins were with my team,
the Dean Team.

That's right, I'd like to say that with you
by my side I was "living the Dean".

Well, that's both funny and kind.

Tell me, what was it like
to drive a Formula Five car?

< What made it so exciting?

I'd have to say the speed.

- The speed.
- The sheer speed, Dean.

There was nothing like it.
It was better than sex.

Well, better than any sex I've ever had.

The feeling of speed was indescribable.

So what was it like?

As I say, it's indescribable.

Try describing it.

Really good.

Thank you.
Together we won a lot of races

but what for you was your finest moment?

I'd have to say Brands Hatch '85.

I was leading solidly for 15 laps
and then on lap 16

I was taken by Henrik Gregor,
the fiery Sri Lankan.

I got angry, I put my foot down.

I did this... and I was back on pole.

And that was the greatest moment of your life?

Yes, it was.

There was a moment immediately prior
to that where I had done this...

and that was pretty special.
I mean, I remember thinking

that's probably my greatest moment,
but then that moment led to this...

which blew the previous moment
right out of the park.

The only thing that has come close since
is when I first saw the trailer to Troy.

It's a very dangerous sport, isn't it?

Well, I've got no skin left on my legs any more.

They look like two tubes of pate.

One dermatologist said

I'm literally down to my last layer of skin
so I can't wash with a flannel any more.

I have to use wet wipes
from Kentucky Fried Chicken.

And that's the only brand my skin will take.

So if I ever want to spruce up,
it's a trip to the Colonel.

It's very difficult to find a good quality
wet wipe in any case,

because I took Satu to the Ivy recently

and I asked for a wet wipe and they said,

"We don't do wet wipes."
I said, "The fuck you don't do wet wipes!"

"I'm paying two ton a head
and you don't to fucking wet wipes?"

They said, "No, we don't."
I said, "Send down for a wet wipe.

"I've got shrimp all over my hands.
I stink, I need a wet wipe."

In the end they had to bike some over
from Chicken Cottage

who do a very good wet wipe,
and gratis, I may add.

But I have to say, the Ivy were a little bit
embarrassed by the whole thing.

Cos I'd been in there two week back
and they didn't have any sporks.

Back to you, Steve. You've borne
all your innumerable chafings

with considerable courage.

I think that's what the British public loves
so much about you. It's your character.

Well, it's not for no reason
that I've been voted personality of the year

three times running.

Sure, and that's a very difficult competition
to win because you were up against

some very witty sportsman
including, I think, John Parrott.

Well, as I said on the night,
I've had the ride of my life in this career

but road to this particular trophy
has been the bumpiest.

That is priceless.

Lovely.

You actually wrote that joke yourself,
didn't you?

Yes, I did.
It took about a week but...

I was very pleased with the results

and I think it still holds up well today.

I think I agree and it was that speech,
and in particular that joke, if I may be so bold,

that led to the tide of Pieing-mania
that swept the country.

You were everywhere.
There were Pieing T-shirts, Pieing mugs,

Pieing posters and even a Pieing single.

That's right.

- Driving Me Crazy.
- Driving Me Crazy, that's right.

How did it go?
You're driving me crazy

Take your foot off the gas
I'm all tired out

I've got my head on the dash

We need to put the brakes on
or we'll skid off the tracks

We've been slow out the grids
Now [ want you back

You're driving me crazy
Why don't you give it a rest?

Doo-wop, bunny rabbit, Pardon.
No, that's Chas and Dave.

Yes, that's Chas and Dave.

- To be fair, I think we ripped it off them.
- Yeah, sure.

I suppose the culmination of
this avalanche of merchandise

was your video in which
you documented your hopes, dreams

and your plans for the future when
you were literally at the top of your game.

So let's have a look at
Pieing In The Driving Seat.

Hi, I'm Steve Pieing and this is
Pieing In The Driving Seat.

'In this home video cassette,
Steve Pieing will reveal what drives him,

'his racy views on the motor business,
keep us on track with his private life

'and candidly share his hopes for the future

'while also putting the brakes on
some rumours about his imminent retirement.

'Steve Pieing is one of Formula Five's
great personalities.

'Three-times UK champion,
with an historic 47 trophies to his name,

'he's known to other drivers and fans alike
as "The Accelerator".

Well, I'm known as "The Accelerator”,
I suppose because in my motor racing career

I've often had to accelerate
in order to overtake rival drivers.

I suppose it's a reference to that.

'A devoted husband to his wife Marie,
he runs a successful business

'with his brother, Barry Pieing.

'He also owns a camel
and opened a camel refuge

'in his home town of Folkestone, Kent.'

I own a camel, I love camels,
I adore camels. I'm camel crazy.

Camels have great stamina,
they look good, like me

they go a hell of a long way on one tank,
and above all, they're honest.

Let me say this to you now,
if only everyone was as honest as a camel,

the world would be
a much better place, in my opinion.

'What does Steve feel about the recent
fraud and manslaughter allegations

'made against Dean Learner
and Dean Machine Motors?

'Do these have a bearing on his future plans?

I have the utmost respect for Dean Learner.

I think he does a wonderful job
often in very difficult circumstances.

Granted, he flew off the handle somewhat
during his recent courtroom appearance

but I've said this once,

and I'll say it again - as far as I'm concerned,

Dean has always been straight with me
and I have always been straight with him.

I'll be completely straight with the judge
when I'm called to testify

at Dean's trial next month.

Dean knows that, Dean respects that,
I've got nothing to hide.

Dean has got nothing to hide.
The Dean Team has nothing to hide.

'So we leave Steve Pieing
at a crossroads in his career

'but one thing is for certain -
this won't be the last chapter

'in the Pieing story.'

Very nice to see that.

Shortly after that video you indeed announced
you were leaving my team, the Dean Team.

- Yes.
- Steve, you left with my blessing.

I wished you the very best.

But I warned you at the time that if you left me,

things would not turn out well for you.

And I was right, wasn't I?

True, it was an uncanny prediction
because in my first race with my new team

I had a terrible crash that effectively
put the brakes on my entire career.

Which is ironic, because it was your brakes
that failed during that race.

It's one of those things
you have to live with, Dean.

I don't know how that brake cable
became severed in 18 different places.

It's a mystery.

C'est la vie.

Now, the injuries you received
were extensive.

No-one was more surprised
than me when you pulled through.

Well, it was a horrific crash.
I remember it like it was yesterday.

The brakes failed, I hit the kerb,
the car flipped, I went into a roll,

slid on some oil, skidded into a tyre wall,
bounced over the control tower

on to a garage roof,
catapulted sideways into a tree,

dropped down into the path of a speeding van,
ricocheted back up into the tree,

landed bonnet-down in a skip,
the petrol tank blew, the car exploded,

the tree fell on the car.

At that point I was worried
I might not make it!

My seat caught fire, the skip blew up,
I started hearing gunshots...

then a pick-up truck dumped 15 gallons
of wet cement on top of me.

When I was chiselled out of the wreckage,
my pelvis was shattered,

one arse cheek was hanging loose,
the top of my head was leaking,

and by spine had become
severely compressed.

By how much?

I was 3ft 5, Dean.

But lucky for me they managed
to surgically stretch me back

to something approximating my original
height over a period of seven years.

Why you ever afraid you were going to die?

Well, I did die, Dean.

I was rushing down a tunnel towards
a very bright light at the other end.

I was going, maybe 200, 220 mph,
popped out the other end

and I saw the face of God.

And what did he look like?

A little bit like Uncle Albert
from Only Fools And Horses.

That's how I imagine him to look like.

- I guess he didn't do that a lot though?
- Um...

Not that I noticed, but heaven
was like a huge car parts depot,

gleaming white and stocked
to the gills with every form

of car part or car part accessory
you could wish for. I remember thinking,

"If I come through this I'm going to
open up a similar operation

"in Folkestone or maybe Dover."

And God said to me, "Steve,
"that's a great idea.

"There's a lot of passing trade
opening up in Folkestone,

"what with the Chunnel nearing completion

"and increasing reinvestment
throughout the area.

"And you have already built up
good brand loyalty

"with Pieing parts and Pieing Oil."

So we talked for about an hour
about the motor parts trade

and we found a lot of our views
on how to trade in stock were very similar.

Sorry, I have to interrupt you there, Steve.
I had idea that answer would be so long.

We have to go to a commercial break.

Please come back for what I promise
will be a snappier second half.

Welcome back to Man to Man
with Dean Learner.

I'm about to re-commence talking to

the former Formula Five
world champion Steve Pieing, now.

After the crash
that ended your motor-racing career,

you returned to domestic life.
How did you find that?

Um, since my retirement, my wife Marie
and I have been trying for a baby

but with no joy at all
and it's been devastating for me,

Dean, because as you know
I want to continue the Pieing name.

It's an old Anglo-Saxon name
and regrettably, it's dying out.

And I understand, as yet,
your marriage has been without issue.

You got it and one, Dean.

Unfortunately, the temperatures
generated in the driving seat

during an average Formula Five race
are roughly the equivalent of a Breville toaster.

So sadly, over the years, the tip of my shaft
has become heat sealed.

Um...

A bit like the corners of a toasted sandwich.

Could you not try siphoning off some sperms?

I'd love to, Dean, but the trouble is,

after ten years on the track
with my testes sizzling

on a white hot engine, everything
down there's long since curdled.

Well, I've got the opposite problem.

I just found out this week
that I've got another son,

which is not ideal, but then again,
you can't argue with a DNA test...

not for long.

Sorry, I digress. Couldn't you adopt?

No. Apparently, calling a child Pieing

in this day and age constitutes
a form of child abuse.

Not to harp on about it, but even
my wife Marie won't take my name.

And I've said to her, I've pleaded,
"Please, Marie, please take it

"as a middle name," but she won't.

She won't cos her surname's Blood.

Let's... Let's move on.

After the crash that you
should not have survived...

...you went full-time
into the parts business, didn't you?

That's right.
I love the parts business.

I get the same kick from selling
a wheel component or a splash shield

as I did crossing the finishing line,
would you believe?

I believe you, Steve.

And you ran that business
with your brother, Barry.

I believe we've got a picture of him.
There he is.

That's my brother, Barry.
He's my younger brother.

Just sitting here thinking about him
makes my blood boil.

Cain and Abel,

Romulus and Remus,

and now Steve and Barry.

Why can't brothers get on?

I dunno, Dean. I love him like
a brother but at the same time,

I hate him so much I could spit.

And I don't even approve
of spitting, as you know.

I tell you who is a terrible one
for spitting, he's a real gobber,

and that's Des Lynam.

When he's on Countdown, they actually
have to put a spittoon under his desk.

That's true. That is true. He won't tell you.

That's why he's got the moustache,
to soak it up, basically.

Um...

So what did Barry do?

What didn't he do?

Let's start off with what he did do.

- Because that was a long first half.
- OK.

Well, things began one day
when we'd been delivered

an extra wiper blade
from our supplier by mistake

and Barry suggested we pocket the profit
and keep our heads low for a week.

I said "Barry, I don't wanna live
like a fugitive for a rest of my life.

"I can't do business like that."

Not long after that,
he began to turn up late for work,

he'd roll-up to the depot at about 7.30
when I'd been there since five,

and I'd say, "Jesus, what time
do you call this? Half the day's gone."

And he'd just look at me,
flip the bird and say, "Climb it, Tarzan."

Then I noticed he started to take
the van home at weekends

and when it came back on Monday morning,
it smelt distinctly of midnight sin.

And the worst thing was, he wouldn't do
up his top button on his shirt,

which from a customer's point of view
is like being kicked in the balls.

You were so ill with stress,
you had to take five months off work.

That's where all back hair fell out.

And that's when I came back to you,
the only man in the world I could trust,

and very honourably and for £50,
you took the business off my hands

and a whole heap of worry
from my shoulders.

And these are exciting times for the business,
because we have a new reality show

where you and I have to find a new trainee

to oversee the future growth of Pieing Parts.
So let's have a look at The Learner.

Good morning, everyone.

Good morning, Mr Learner.

Let's cut straight to it, shall we?

You lot are going to be competing
against one another

to become the new night security guard
at my Woking depot.

This is the opportunity of a lifetime.

As well as the obvious cachet
that such a position affords,

the lucky appointee

will receive an annual salary of 9.5K
and a personalised name badge.

Helping me choose
my "Learner" security guard

will be my two trusted advisers -
to my right, Mr Steve Pieing.

He heads up the car parts depot here
and as such over the next few weeks

will be my eyes, ears, throat and balls.

To my left, my financial adviser.

I'm gonna split you up
into two groups - shirts and skirt.

Shirts, you can do stocktaking
with Steve here

- and skirt, what's your name, my love?
- Martine.

Martine, my darling, you can soak down
the Jag with me and Mary Lou.

Water pumps,
that's a DI2519 and a DI2517.

Can you see them?

There they are, there they are.
What's the quantity.

Two.

What's the quantity?

Two.

What's the quantity?

Look, there you go.
Quantity, one, jot it down.

Exhaust paste power cans,
where are they?

Wrong, that's a water pump.

Can you see them?

If they come too far on the shelves, they
can fall and it's against health and safety.

If this juts out too far and I'm walking
along here, bang and I'm out.

So just be very, very careful.

Bring it up to the edge,
but no further.

Don't push it all the way back,
you might miss one walking through.

I walk past and go, "Where is it?"
and I've gone past it.

It's literally up to that edge.

That's why they were built this length.

That's why the width is right.

It's just right for the job.
It's just right for the job.

- Did you stack these?
- Yes.

Yeah, they're over-stacked.
If you look, come here.

If you look, there's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
6, 7, 8, 9... Well, there's 10.

I know what you've done.

You've put 10 on thinking
10's a nice even number

but they should only ever go
to at least 7,

7 or less, really,

because if I walk along here
and I'm crouching and walking through,

and they drop off,

I know they're not heavy
but enough of them could blind me.

- Does anyone here want a cup of tea?
- No.

- Cup of tea?
- No. They don't. They're fine. They're fine.

Can you send them in, please.

OK.

OK, I've listened to the advice
of Steve and Mary Lou

but now, I need you to convince me.

You, what have you got to say for yourself?

Your employee said I did good.

Pardon me?

< I was great.

You were great? Suddenly great.

< I did it good.

"He did it good". He did it good.

Did he did it good, Steve?

Um, he did.

I caught someone like you keying my car.
Do you know what happened to him?

- What?
- He carried his leg home.

It's all a joke to these fellas.

What about you?
How many GCSEs have you got?

I have two GCSEs.

I don't like eggheads. OK?
So I've got a problem with you.

Why should I keep you on?

Well, like that guy said before,

I think I done my task to my best ability.

Right. What's your best ability?

That of a hog? What have you
got to say in your defence?

I think Steve and I
make a pretty good team.

So you're Torvill and Dean, suddenly, are you?

Skating together in synch?

It was discussed.

- What, Torvill and Dean?
- Us going skating.

What about you, then?

I can be a good employee for you.

- For me?
- Yeah.

Right. You know what I think you are?

I think you're a fucking toilet.

Martine, how did you get on?

I dunno.

Don't know. OK.

This is very tough,
this is very tough indeed.

A lot of conflicting testimony.

It is my decision.

But I've made it and I'm gonna cut
all of you loose except Martine.

There's a great episode coming up later

where Satu and Martine have
a cat fight on a bouncy castle,

so watch out for that.

All that remains for me to do
is to thank once again my super guest,

Steve Pieing,
for talking to me Man to Man

and to thank you very much for watching.

Thank you very much.

I think we're done, I'll get a hose.

You might get sprinkled a bit.

Don't give me that look, Steve.

That car's too clean, Dean.

It's my decision, Steve.

Your decision.

It is my decision.

And the car is the level of cleanness
that I'd like.

Tonight might be a late one
so you'd best call your mother

because I doubt
you'll be back before 11.30.

- Oh.
- OK.