Man to Man with Dean Learner (2006): Season 1, Episode 1 - Garth Marenghi - full transcript
'Live from his luxury penthouse
apartment in London's
'glittering East End, Dean Learner,
'club owner and publisher of
high-class gentlemen's magazines
'invites you to join him
for an exclusive Man to Man.'
'Please welcome Mr Dean Learner.'
Good evening and welcome to
Man to Man with Dean Learner,
where each week,
I'll give you an exclusive invite
to my £5 million penthouse apartment
and introduce you to one of my VIP friends
from the world of the arts
slash entertainment.
What a guest I have for you tonight.
I first met him when I was working
at a horror publishing house called
Beelezebooks.
Now, my background had been in
high-quality upmarket erotica
for the discerning connoisseur,
so I wondered, understandably,
whether I'd feel at home at a company
that dealt exclusively in horror.
Well, I had no idea
how quickly the horror community -
and it is a community -
how quickly the horror community
would wake up to the idea
of scary porn.
I wanted to release books
that would give the reader a boner,
but leave him too terrified
to do anything about it.
Within the week,
I had coined the phrase,
"books that will scare you stiff".
We had opened up
a new herotica division
and our sales just went silly.
How could things get any better?
Well, I'll tell you for how.
I met a young, hungry,
vital writer called Garth Marenghi
and we fell in like at first sight.
Thenceforth started
a writer/publisher relationship
that has continued to this day
and has developed into
one of the most important
and meaningful friendships of my life.
Certainly in financial terms.
How could I sum up this titan of terror,
this grand duke of darkness?
It would take me an eternity,
which I quite simply don't have.
So please welcome
Sir Splatter himself,
the fright honourable Garth Marenghi.
Can I just say that when I entered,
the floor should have been covered
in dry ice to give the impression
that I don't have feet.
So just bear in mind,
I may or may not have hooves.
< Sure.
That's Satu's fault,
I made the mistake of giving her
an additional task.
Are you all right there?
Yes, Dean.
If you get frightened
with any of this talk of horror
just pop your ear muffs on, OK?
All right.
No, not yet... Oh, she's gone.
She's gone.
Satu's my primary partner,
by the way.
I'm having actually to downsize the harem
here at Dean Towers
because I'm converting some of the girls'
bedrooms into an indoor skating rink.
So, sorry, Garth.
Now, it's an historic occasion today
and I'm truly humbled
to be hosting it
because this is Garth's first public
appearance since his terrible accident
of which more in the dueness,
of course, if you feel able.
Perhap. Perhap.
And you look marvellous, by the way,
the surgery's been really well done.
< Which one is the new ear?
Pardon?
Oh, pardon! Lovely, that's priceless.
You've kept your sense of humour,
which is so wonderful.
You have to, don't you?
When people come up to me and say,
"What's Garth Marenghi like?"
They expect me to describe
this dark figure.
"He writes these twisted, brilliant,
but very gory horror stories
"like Stump or RIPPER.
"The guy must be sick."
But you've provided me with more hootage
than any man I know.
With the possible exception
of Freddie Starr.
It's been my lifeline
over the last few months, Dean.
I've been blessed
with gallowsian humour.
In fact, as I said
to you before I came out,
I think I've broken every bone in my body,
except my funny bone!
I thought that would get a better response.
Anyway, it's like when I was in the ambulance
going to the hospital,
I was still up for the crack, was I not?
The ambulance driver turned round
and he said, "Please, Mr Marenghi,
will you stop talking
"or we're going to crash,
what you're saying is that funny."
I can vouch for that because
I was in the ambulance with you
and I thought I was going to die!
I said, "They're going to have
to get two body bags ready,
"this guy's critically ill
and I'm dying of laughter!"
This show's wonderful, Dean.
It's such a reflection of the wit
and sophistication that's in you.
Thank you for that
unprompted compliment.
Now let's talk about what you were doing
at the start of the year,
if we may,
before what happened happened.
Sure, well, in early January
I wrote Return Of The Coil,
about a woman who circumnavigates
the portals of hell
via a cursed contraceptive device.
In late Jan, I wrote the sequel,
Return of the Coil 2, Re-entry.
In early Feb, Hell Bent, my novella
about a homosexual demon
searching for acceptance within his own
diabolical community came out.
Both literally and figuratively.
Yeah. And there was a bit of a hold up
with that one, wasn't there,
at the printers? We originally wanted
everything printed on black rubber,
but that meant you needed to apply talc
each time you turned a page
and we thought it was a bit tacky,
a bit route one.
We ended up going for
a glittery dust jacket
with complimentary nipple ring, which I...
Yeah.
Which I thought worked well.
It does. And then late Feb,
the two sequels came out.
That was Hell Benders and
Hell Benders 2, The Boys Are Back.
< And you've got a new book coming out now.
Let's have a squizz at a clip.
You know, it frightens me
how many novels of terror I've written.
Now you can buy all 436
in one easy to read volume.
'From Garth Marenghi,
who brought you Slicer,
'Slasher, RIPPER, and many more,
comes Garth Marenghi's The Oeuvre.
'With a reinforced spine
made from a genuine cat bone.
'It comes complete with these
detachable balancing sticks,
'allowing you to read safely and
adjustable brackets for easy storage.
"Order now and you'll receive
this attachable index
'and chapter one of
Garth's new novel.'
If you only buy
one Garth Marenghi book,
buy this one, which is all of them.
"Garth Marenghi's The Oeuvre.
'The only book you'll ever need.'
It's a phenomenal work rate.
How do you manage it, Garth?
How do you keep getting inspiration?
Cheese.
I eat a lot of cheese, which gives me
these fantastic vivid dreams.
A lot of writers will smoke pot.
If I hit a wall, I'll generally reach for
the Emmenthal or the Dolcelatte.
Wash those down with beer and pickles,
have a nap, wake up,
chap two awaits.
The only downside is I tend to
put on two stone a novel.
But if you type as fast as I do,
you can generally sweat out
a stone of that, so it evens out,
more or less.
I'm exactly the same with mackerel.
I can't stop at one,
I'll eat four or five at a sitting.
So I always make sure
I forewarn my dining companion
that I'll need at least an hour
for things to settle afterwards,
cos the last thing anyone wants
is for that mackerel to re-emerge
during the physical act of love.
Well, you know, you are very lucky
with your metabolism,
because mackerel
would sit very heavily on me.
I mean, I was approached to be
the face of Ginster's pies,
which is hugely flattering, of course,
but I had to turn it down
because the sheer number of freebies
would have been a death sentence.
At the end of the day,
I'm not a salesman, I'm a shaman.
I'm a dream weaver.
My job is to question,
like Poe Edgar Allan, is all we see
or seem but a dream within a dream?
I don't know, what did he say?
I don't think he had an answer,
to be honest,
I think that was the point.
Are you real?
Yes.
But are you?
Oh, stop it, Garth,
you're creeping me out!
Perhaps you're asleep
and this is a nightmare.
How do you know you exist?
Wow, it's interesting, isn't it?
It's like that question,
if a tree falls
in the forest and I'm not there
and it makes a sound, but I don't hear it,
but someone records it
and plays it to me at a dinner party,
does that mean
I'm still in the forest?
And if I am, then why can't I just
take a piss in the garden
rather than queuing for the toilet?
And that's if the toilet even exists,
I've been trying
to use it all fucking night!
I'm starting to doubt the existence
of the toilet, quite frankly,
at this stage in the proceedings.
You see?
Can you feel it? I'm getting you
to ask questions.
Get a Portaloo is what I'm saying.
If you're going to have a party of
that size, get a Portaloo.
Cos I don't want to spend my entire
fucking evening in the corridor!
And if philosophy can solve
those questions then it's worth it.
But thus far, it can't.
So I'm fucking busting...
...and what's Plato doing about it? Nothing.
You see?
You see, you're asking questions.
apartment in London's
'glittering East End, Dean Learner,
'club owner and publisher of
high-class gentlemen's magazines
'invites you to join him
for an exclusive Man to Man.'
'Please welcome Mr Dean Learner.'
Good evening and welcome to
Man to Man with Dean Learner,
where each week,
I'll give you an exclusive invite
to my £5 million penthouse apartment
and introduce you to one of my VIP friends
from the world of the arts
slash entertainment.
What a guest I have for you tonight.
I first met him when I was working
at a horror publishing house called
Beelezebooks.
Now, my background had been in
high-quality upmarket erotica
for the discerning connoisseur,
so I wondered, understandably,
whether I'd feel at home at a company
that dealt exclusively in horror.
Well, I had no idea
how quickly the horror community -
and it is a community -
how quickly the horror community
would wake up to the idea
of scary porn.
I wanted to release books
that would give the reader a boner,
but leave him too terrified
to do anything about it.
Within the week,
I had coined the phrase,
"books that will scare you stiff".
We had opened up
a new herotica division
and our sales just went silly.
How could things get any better?
Well, I'll tell you for how.
I met a young, hungry,
vital writer called Garth Marenghi
and we fell in like at first sight.
Thenceforth started
a writer/publisher relationship
that has continued to this day
and has developed into
one of the most important
and meaningful friendships of my life.
Certainly in financial terms.
How could I sum up this titan of terror,
this grand duke of darkness?
It would take me an eternity,
which I quite simply don't have.
So please welcome
Sir Splatter himself,
the fright honourable Garth Marenghi.
Can I just say that when I entered,
the floor should have been covered
in dry ice to give the impression
that I don't have feet.
So just bear in mind,
I may or may not have hooves.
< Sure.
That's Satu's fault,
I made the mistake of giving her
an additional task.
Are you all right there?
Yes, Dean.
If you get frightened
with any of this talk of horror
just pop your ear muffs on, OK?
All right.
No, not yet... Oh, she's gone.
She's gone.
Satu's my primary partner,
by the way.
I'm having actually to downsize the harem
here at Dean Towers
because I'm converting some of the girls'
bedrooms into an indoor skating rink.
So, sorry, Garth.
Now, it's an historic occasion today
and I'm truly humbled
to be hosting it
because this is Garth's first public
appearance since his terrible accident
of which more in the dueness,
of course, if you feel able.
Perhap. Perhap.
And you look marvellous, by the way,
the surgery's been really well done.
< Which one is the new ear?
Pardon?
Oh, pardon! Lovely, that's priceless.
You've kept your sense of humour,
which is so wonderful.
You have to, don't you?
When people come up to me and say,
"What's Garth Marenghi like?"
They expect me to describe
this dark figure.
"He writes these twisted, brilliant,
but very gory horror stories
"like Stump or RIPPER.
"The guy must be sick."
But you've provided me with more hootage
than any man I know.
With the possible exception
of Freddie Starr.
It's been my lifeline
over the last few months, Dean.
I've been blessed
with gallowsian humour.
In fact, as I said
to you before I came out,
I think I've broken every bone in my body,
except my funny bone!
I thought that would get a better response.
Anyway, it's like when I was in the ambulance
going to the hospital,
I was still up for the crack, was I not?
The ambulance driver turned round
and he said, "Please, Mr Marenghi,
will you stop talking
"or we're going to crash,
what you're saying is that funny."
I can vouch for that because
I was in the ambulance with you
and I thought I was going to die!
I said, "They're going to have
to get two body bags ready,
"this guy's critically ill
and I'm dying of laughter!"
This show's wonderful, Dean.
It's such a reflection of the wit
and sophistication that's in you.
Thank you for that
unprompted compliment.
Now let's talk about what you were doing
at the start of the year,
if we may,
before what happened happened.
Sure, well, in early January
I wrote Return Of The Coil,
about a woman who circumnavigates
the portals of hell
via a cursed contraceptive device.
In late Jan, I wrote the sequel,
Return of the Coil 2, Re-entry.
In early Feb, Hell Bent, my novella
about a homosexual demon
searching for acceptance within his own
diabolical community came out.
Both literally and figuratively.
Yeah. And there was a bit of a hold up
with that one, wasn't there,
at the printers? We originally wanted
everything printed on black rubber,
but that meant you needed to apply talc
each time you turned a page
and we thought it was a bit tacky,
a bit route one.
We ended up going for
a glittery dust jacket
with complimentary nipple ring, which I...
Yeah.
Which I thought worked well.
It does. And then late Feb,
the two sequels came out.
That was Hell Benders and
Hell Benders 2, The Boys Are Back.
< And you've got a new book coming out now.
Let's have a squizz at a clip.
You know, it frightens me
how many novels of terror I've written.
Now you can buy all 436
in one easy to read volume.
'From Garth Marenghi,
who brought you Slicer,
'Slasher, RIPPER, and many more,
comes Garth Marenghi's The Oeuvre.
'With a reinforced spine
made from a genuine cat bone.
'It comes complete with these
detachable balancing sticks,
'allowing you to read safely and
adjustable brackets for easy storage.
"Order now and you'll receive
this attachable index
'and chapter one of
Garth's new novel.'
If you only buy
one Garth Marenghi book,
buy this one, which is all of them.
"Garth Marenghi's The Oeuvre.
'The only book you'll ever need.'
It's a phenomenal work rate.
How do you manage it, Garth?
How do you keep getting inspiration?
Cheese.
I eat a lot of cheese, which gives me
these fantastic vivid dreams.
A lot of writers will smoke pot.
If I hit a wall, I'll generally reach for
the Emmenthal or the Dolcelatte.
Wash those down with beer and pickles,
have a nap, wake up,
chap two awaits.
The only downside is I tend to
put on two stone a novel.
But if you type as fast as I do,
you can generally sweat out
a stone of that, so it evens out,
more or less.
I'm exactly the same with mackerel.
I can't stop at one,
I'll eat four or five at a sitting.
So I always make sure
I forewarn my dining companion
that I'll need at least an hour
for things to settle afterwards,
cos the last thing anyone wants
is for that mackerel to re-emerge
during the physical act of love.
Well, you know, you are very lucky
with your metabolism,
because mackerel
would sit very heavily on me.
I mean, I was approached to be
the face of Ginster's pies,
which is hugely flattering, of course,
but I had to turn it down
because the sheer number of freebies
would have been a death sentence.
At the end of the day,
I'm not a salesman, I'm a shaman.
I'm a dream weaver.
My job is to question,
like Poe Edgar Allan, is all we see
or seem but a dream within a dream?
I don't know, what did he say?
I don't think he had an answer,
to be honest,
I think that was the point.
Are you real?
Yes.
But are you?
Oh, stop it, Garth,
you're creeping me out!
Perhaps you're asleep
and this is a nightmare.
How do you know you exist?
Wow, it's interesting, isn't it?
It's like that question,
if a tree falls
in the forest and I'm not there
and it makes a sound, but I don't hear it,
but someone records it
and plays it to me at a dinner party,
does that mean
I'm still in the forest?
And if I am, then why can't I just
take a piss in the garden
rather than queuing for the toilet?
And that's if the toilet even exists,
I've been trying
to use it all fucking night!
I'm starting to doubt the existence
of the toilet, quite frankly,
at this stage in the proceedings.
You see?
Can you feel it? I'm getting you
to ask questions.
Get a Portaloo is what I'm saying.
If you're going to have a party of
that size, get a Portaloo.
Cos I don't want to spend my entire
fucking evening in the corridor!
And if philosophy can solve
those questions then it's worth it.
But thus far, it can't.
So I'm fucking busting...
...and what's Plato doing about it? Nothing.
You see?
You see, you're asking questions.