Man Seeking Woman (2015–2017): Season 3, Episode 2 - Ranch - full transcript

You know, I was thinking
maybe tonight, we try

that tofu with peppers dish
we were reading about.

- Ambitious. I like it.
- Okay, uh, fennel seeds.

- Go.
- We need tofu.

We need two red and yellow bell peppers.

(ominous music pounds)

Oh...

Um, is there any way that
somebody could be, like

- watching us, is that a thing?
- What?

♪ ♪

Oh, Christ, they found me.



- What's going on?
- Uh, do you trust me?

- Yes?
- Run!

(intense percussive music)

♪ ♪

(grunts)

(tires screech)

Oh! What's the matter with you?
Are you nuts?

(grunts)

♪ ♪

(thud)

- (groans)
- Josh!

- Jesus Christ.
- Honey, are you okay?

- (moans)
- Who are you?

I'm Josh's stepdad, Tom.



Oh, my God, hi.

Bet that was hard to tell

with this new hat I'm trying out, huh?

Tom, what do you want?

Your mother sent me.

Ever since you two started dating,

you've been on her Most Wanted list.

You can't get away with
having a new girlfriend

and not bringing her by for dinner.

Uh, yeah, you're right. I'm sorry.

(groans) Uh, well, see,
the thing about it is,

this week, I... it's pretty hectic,

work-wise, it's just
that time of year...

(blow lands) Ah!

Okay. (winded gasp)

Not just work, there's also... we have

out-of-town friends visiting
that don't really know this...

(blow lands) Ah! Jesus Christ.

- Josh?
- All right, stop.

Just... please.

Stop hitting me. Look,
we'll come for dinner.

- (upbeat music)
- Yeah, yeah, we can't wait.

Okeydoke! We'll see you Friday.

Okay.

- (blow lands)
- (gasps)

(downtempo electronic music)

♪ ♪

Ah!

♪ ♪

(squeaks)

♪ ♪

(growls)

♪ ♪

(upbeat music)

I am so excited.

I finally get to meet the
famous Patti Greenberg.

What you doing, Josh?

(pained chuckle)

Uh, well, I read online

uh, that yoga relaxes you,
so I tried doing yoga,

but I injured myself pretty badly.

So now I'm just trying
to make it better.

Josh, why are you so nervous?

Uh, look,

Lucy, I know how awesome you are.

But my mother is a very
particular person.

And her house has, like,

a million weird little rules.

Josh, it's totally fine.

It's gonna be cool, we'll just...

uh, we'll just feel it out, okay?

You'll just feel it out?

- Are you crazy?
- They're just parents.

- It's fine.
- You don't understand.

You don't know what you're walking into.

You don't know what these
people are capable of!

I... I don't know how to
describe it to you, but...

(dramatic music)

But I know someone who does.

Come on.

♪ ♪

You've come to the right place.

Yeah, Liz is the, uh,

world's preeminent
authority on our parents.

Nobody's been studying them longer.

I lived among them for 18 years.

Theirs is a crude and primitive world,

but in some ways, it's beautiful.

Sounds fascinating.

But it's also very dangerous.

They have many baffling
rituals and social customs

that must be followed to a T.

Or what?

They'll label you as...

"a handful" or "not right for Joshy."

But we are not gonna let that happen.

- Uh, right, Liz?
- That's right.

Let's start with the clippings ritual.

Now, Lucy, if I were to hand you this,

what would you do with it?

- (muttering)
- It's okay.

- Oh, no.
- 'Cause it's garbage, right?

Yes. To us, it is garbage.

It's a random, useless article
from an old local newspaper.

But in Mom and Tom's world,
that was considered a gift.

(inhales sharply) So I should read it?

'Course not. You must simply recite

the proper ceremonial response.

"I look forward to reading this."

"I look forward to reading this."

Yeah, that's good, good.

- That's good.
- Yeah? Okay.

♪ ♪

Taste it.

(music pounds)

(gags)

- (gags)
- It's called "ranch dressing."

- I did not like that.
- No, none of us do.

It's very thick.

You just have to pretend.

Ranch is central to Mom and Tom's diet.

To them, it's like liquid gold.

I once watched them
take down an entire jar

during an episode of Blue Bloods.

Whoa.

Say you're washing your
hands before dinner.

Which towel would you use to dry them?

- (suspenseful music)
- I guess...

Halloween, 'cause it's
the lesser holiday?

- Shit. Shit.
- What?

The answer is neither.

Patti and Tom still follow Towel Law.

This is the outdated
practice of displaying

holiday-themed towels
solely to gaze upon.

So where do you dry your hands?

On your jeans or whatever.

Why don't they just put, like,

another towel in the bathroom?

You're still trying to force

our way of thinking onto their world.

Oh, my God, I hope I remember all this.

You'll know it went well
if she lets you look

at the family photo album;
it's their most sacred object.

Okay, it's 4:00 p.m. We gotta...
we gotta go.

I thought we were going for dinner.

4:00 p.m. is dinner.

(dramatic music pounds) Damn it. Shit.

- Hi!
- Hi.

- Get in here, you kids.
- (chuckling)

Hi, I'm Lucy. Nice to meet you.

Hi.

- Hi, how are you?
- Hi!

- Hi. Lucy... no?
- (gibbering)

Okay, oh, there we go. That's good. Hi.

Oh!

Josh told me you were
a graphic designer.

So I wanted to give you this.

Thank you. That's... thank you.

Uh, "Art Museum Attendance
in Illinois Remains

the Same as Last Year."

(tense exotic music)

I... I look forward to reading this.

(exhales)

(upbeat pop music)

♪ ♪

- And Frank's sons...
- Mm-hmm.

- Danny and Jamie...
- Uh, Danny... uh, Jamie Jr.

- Jamie Jr.
- Right.

- He's a big man.
- That's the cousin Jamie.

- Oh, that's the cousin Jamie.
- There's Jamie,

Jamie Jr., and Cousin Jamie.

- Okay.
- And you can tell...

and Jamie Jr. you can tell

'cause he's got red hair like his dad.

- That's right.
- Yeah.

- Okay. All right.
- Yeah.

So they're all NYPD.

- Yeah.
- Well, I, for one,

never mind a refresher
on the family tree

of the show Blue Bloods.

No, that was a great story.

- We had fun telling it!
- Yes.

I think this was the best dinner ever.

- I agree.
- Yeah.

And, as a matter of fact, Lucy,

I rarely do this, but

would you have any interest

in seeing the family photo album?

(tender music)

Yeah.

Yeah, that'd... that'd be great.

♪ ♪

- Thank you guys, love ya.
- Buh-bye.

- Thank you, bye-bye.
- We'll see you soon.

- Buh-bye.
- Buh-bye now.

That was really fun.

- Ohh!
- Oh, Jesus...(muttering)

(gentle guitar music)

(both exhale)

We did it. We made it.

- We survived.
- Yeah.

Like, I know my mother
can be a bit much.

- But we came out here.
- Mm-hmm.

They liked you, and now,

we don't have to see her again till

- spring at the earliest.
- (laughs)

Okay. So...

I... I spoke too soon.

Yoo-hoo!

You know, I was just telling Tom

that I had such a good time tonight

that I think

we have to do this again soon.

- Yeah, yeah, definitely.
- Absolutely.

- Yeah, at... at some point.
- Yeah.

How about this Saturday?

You... you mean tomorrow?

Yeah.

Uh, well, uh, you know,

as much as we'd love to, uh,

wake up and drive all the
way back out here tomorrow

and just do everything we did today,

um, we... we actually kind
of had a bit of a day

planned in the city, so...

Well, then I'll come to you.

- You... what?
- Big day in the city?

- Can't wait!
- Oh.

- I'll see you tomorrow.
- All right, see you.

- See you tomorrow.
- See you tomorrow.

- Bye-bye, see ya.
- Bye. That was great.

♪ ♪

Bye. Yep. Bye.

♪ ♪

(gentle upbeat music)

Oh, Tom, it's been the
most wonderful day.

Well, we hit the aquarium

and then the wax museum,

and then there was a bus
tour of old churches.

She's never gonna leave us alone.

Actually, she might if you just

told her that you need
some space, maybe.

No, I... I'm just trying to, like, avoid

a proper confrontation with her.

Okay, so...

What are you guys thinking?

Should we go out for dinner or

you want to squeeze in
one more bus tour first?

Hmm. Bus tour?

What do you... what...
what's your instinct?

Actually, you know, Mom, Lucy and I

are both, uh, pretty tuckered out

so I think we're just gonna...

- (yawning) We're pretty tired.
- Crash.

It's only 6:00.

Nevertheless, uh, we are
going to sleep now,

so I think you, maybe, just

should probably... (mumbles)

Say no more. I get it.

You guys head off to bed,

and I'll just sit tight.

Don't you worry about me.

I'll be fine.

It's very bright.

I know.

Just squint hard.

We'll be asleep in a matter of hours.

Josh, this isn't good.

She's starting to get obsessed with us.

It'll all be fine.

(laughing)

- Yoo-hoo!
- Jesus.

It's me, your number one fan.

Yep, why... what are you...
why are you here?

What are you doing here?

Can I get a picture?

- Oh, yeah... yeah.
- Yeah.

Is this annoying?

Oh, oh, oh. Okay, yeah, yeah.

Okay, thank you.

Am I freaking you guys out?

Because I'm like, "Oh-ahh,
I love you guys,"

and you're like, "Ooh, she's weird."

- No, no.
- No.

I just... she has somewhere
that we have to be.

Of course. I know how busy you guys are.

(suspenseful music)
What's that over there?

♪ ♪

Did you just cut her hair?

I really am your number one fan.

(melodramatic music)

Whoa-ooh...

- Ugh...
- What the hell?

Josh, some of these
letters from your mom

- are really unhinged.
- It's not that bad.

This one keeps referencing
the day we become one.

Well, we just... we won't
reply to that one.

In this one, she drew Christ
upside-down on the cross.

She's just being a mother.

This one's three tickets for
us to see "Jersey Boys."

(exhales)

(intense percussive music)

♪ ♪

(dogs barking in the distance)

Josh? You need to see this.

Shots rang out today on Capitol Hill

in a failed assassination attempt

on the president.

The assailant has been identified

as Patricia Greenberg,

a crazed stalker of Josh and Lucy.

BOTH: Oh, my God.

Apparently, this delusional
psychopath thought

her act of violence would
somehow get their attention.

Let me go!

Police say she was carrying
a copy of the book

Catcher in the Rye, as well as

a rather dog-eared copy of Still Alice.

Get in the car!

I did this for you, Josh and Lucy!

Did you get my recipe?

It's baked Parmesan-crusted chicken.

(Patti shouting indistinctly)

Soda crackers!

All right, enough is enough.

You have to be more direct with her.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

You're right. You're right.

Parmesan chicken!

But, I will say, it looks like

the problem's kind of
resolved itself, so...

(snoring)

- (bang!)
- Oh, my God!

Yoo-hoo! (laughs)

- Jesus Christ!
- I escaped!

- (sirens wailing)
- (dogs barking)

Now we can hang out again!

Mom, it's too much. It's...
it's too much!

What's wrong?

I don't want to hang out.

Mom, can't you take a
hint, for God's sakes?

Oh, I thought we were having fun.

I was not having fun. I was
pretending to have fun.

You just... you follow us
around everywhere like

some kind of freak, it's...

(tender piano music)

Enough.

Oh, I see.

Well...

I didn't know you felt that way...

about me.

♪ ♪

I'll go home now.

I'll just leave you two alone.

(shackles clanking)

- (sirens wailing)
- (dogs barking)

- (exhales)
- Okay, you can do this.

- Okay, it's gonna be okay.
- Yeah.

Yeah, you're probably right,
I mean, it's not like...

it's not even like I
was that hard on her.

Right? I...

Huh. Yeah.

They're probably just around back.

(slow bluegrass music)

♪ ♪

Hey, Tom.

Lucy. Josh.

How's... how's Mom doing?

Afraid your mom ain't
doing so hot, Josh.

Words you said hurt her pert' bad.

(sighs)

How... how bad is it?

Old Momma's heart is broken.

She ain't no good to you no more.

Hell, she ain't no good to herself.

Only one thing left to do now.

(shotgun cocks)

Whoa! Tom, uh... uh... wh...

where's Mom?

She's out in yonder shed.

♪ ♪

Is she frothing at the mouth?

She's got her night cream on.

It's a special foamy
kind she likes to get

from the high-end section of Target or,

as we like to call it, Targét.

Figure I'd...

let her watch one more episode
of Blue Bloods, and then...

take her out to the Yankee Candle,

let her get to browsin', and then

shoot her in the back of the head.

Oh. No, no, don't shoot her.

What... uh, there's gotta...
there's gotta...

there's gotta be something I can do.

No, no.

She's my wife.

I'll kill her.

No! Okay, look,

this... this whole thing is my fault.

I... I clearly just should have been

more direct with her to start with.

I... I should just go talk to her,

right?

Uh... okay.

(sighs and sputters)

- (dramatic music on TV)
- Hey, Pop.

I know I've been the only
member of our entire family

that's not employed by the NYPD,

but that's not the case anymore.

♪ ♪

Hot dog.

That means our entire family

is affiliated with the NYPD.

Congratulations, son.

(gentle music)

Stay tuned for more Blue Bloods.

How's my favorite mom doing?

(tender music)

I... I'm... I'm sorry,

Mom, I never should have
called you a freak.

Well, that's not why I'm upset.

I'm upset because my own son

doesn't want to see me.

Oh, no, no, I do, I do
want to see you, Mom.

I do want to see you.

Just...

not all the time.

Well, how often, then?

Once a week?

More like once a month.

♪ ♪

(sniffs) Well, that's not so bad.

Holidays too.

Well, of course holidays too.
You're my mother.

My mother.

(gunshot)

Right, he's... got a gun.

Whoopsie daisy!

- Jesus Christ.
- Oh! (laughs)

The hair trigger on this thing.

My God... hey, Josh, Lucy, you're not

driving by Presbyterian
General on your way?

If you were, I... I'd take a ride

and maybe hop out at the old E.R. there?

I seem to have obliterated my knee.

Yeah, we can definitely take you, Tom.

Oh, should I grab some celery sticks

and ranch for the road?

Yeah, okay, that's, um, uh,

yeah, fine, well, um... (stammering)

Uh, no. No.

Actually, no, thank you.

Uh... Mom.

I... I don't actually like
ranch dressing very much.

- (gentle guitar music)
- Huh.

Well, that's fine.

- More for us.
- Yeah.

So, uh, we'll see you at our place,

uh, next month?

I can't wait.

♪ ♪

- (gunshot)
- Oh, whoops!

- Jesus!
- Oh, wow.

I did it again, right in the same spot.

Tom.

Yeah, I should not have reloaded.

- No!
- No.

- See you soon, Patti.
- Okay, bye.

Yeah, see you soon.

- Bye-bye now.
- Take care.

It's just one big flesh tube now, huh?

Yep, okay, all right,
buddy boy, here we go.

(dramatic music)

You've come to the right place.

Josh and Lucy's apartment is
a crude and primitive world,

but in some ways, beautiful.

Now, what would you say
if someone showed you

these curtains and said they
got them for only $200?

Well, I'd laugh and I'd
say I could have got

- them for free from my basement.
- (chuckling)

The proper ceremonial response is,

"Wow, cool curtains.

Are they from Etsy?"

Cool curtains. Are they from Etsy?

Let's move on.

Now, Tom, what would you do if
I put this in front of you?

(dramatic music pounds)

I'd eat it.

- Wrong.
- Shit. Shit.

The correct answer is that
you photograph the food

and then if there's time, you eat it,

but that is by far secondary.

We have to go. It's 9:00 p.m.

But I thought you said
we were having dinner.

9:00 p.m. is dinner. Shit!

(dramatic musical flourish)

- Get in here, you two.
- Hi!

- Hello. Good to see you.
- Hey, Tom.

- Patti, hi, how are you?
- Oh, Lucy, hello.

Nice to see you. I hope
you guys like tofu curry.

I look forward to taking a picture of it

before I eat it.

- Oh.
- Mm.

Ooh, nice curtains.

Are they from Etsy?

You know what? They are!

How did you know? Come
on in, come on in.

So glad you could make it.

(Walter Martin's "We're
All Young Together")