Man Seeking Woman (2015–2017): Season 3, Episode 3 - Horse - full transcript

Dude, are you seeing this?

Those babes are totally
vibing our Bozaks.

I'm gonna mack the one on the right.

You Cool with the one on the left?

- Mike, I'm with Lucy.
- Who?

My girlfriend, Lucy.

Hi. How you doing?

We... we're... we're dating.

Still?

- Josh, step into my office.
- Ay.

So what do you think of my office?



It's a bit much.

Joshua, I have been advising
you for years, okay?

Helping you build your sexual portfolio.

We've had some good
years, some lean ones.

But I got to say, when I look at
how you're currently positioned,

it scares the hell out of me.

Here's what I'd recommend
for a typical bro

with your income and
attractiveness level.

40% women at work, 40% bar hookups,

and 20% ex-girlfriends.

Now here's you.

You are investing 100% of your resources

into one girl.

Yeah. Yeah. I really like her.



You want my advice? Diversify.

Here, take a look at
my personal breakdown.

As you can see, I have
0% in girlfriends,

10% in randos, 5% in strange,

3% in baristas,

2% in confused tourists.

Believe it or not, that has
produced amazing returns lately.

- Amazing returns.
- Yeah. Right.

Uh, well, thank you very much, Mike,

eh, but I'm very happy with Lucy.

- Who?
- My girlfriend, Lucy.

Hi, again.

Hi, again.

Oh...

Ah!

I don't think your friend
Mike likes me very much.

- What?
- Yeah.

- He... he likes you.
- Really?

He just doesn't know you very well.

I guess... yeah, you...
you could be right.

Maybe we just haven't hung out enough.

Yeah.

We should think of,
like, a bonding thing

- we could all do together.
- Yeah.

Uh, there's this bar he
really likes going to.

Okay, maybe we could all
go there after work?

- Yeah, sure.
- Oh, that's great.

Oh, we're gonna be besties.
I just know it.

Hi. Where's Josh?

Uh, he'll probably here really soon.

Goal!

So where is this place?

Uh, it's a couple doors down,

then 2,000 feet into the belly
of a Chilean copper mine.

Oh, this place is great.

Goal!

Mmm, my beer's good.

The guy said it was, uh, a microbrew?

Hey, it's like, um...

Mike-ro-brew.

It's like your name's right in there.

If it was mine, it'd be Lu... Luc...

No goal.

It's Josh! It's Josh.

- Hi, are you almost here?
- Well, it's official.

Life loves to throw us curveballs.

What? What are you talking about?

Oh, just got slammed

with a late-in-the-day
highlighter shipment.

Sorry, what?

Honey, it's really hard to hear you.

Oh, nothing. Just that
I'll have to place

all the yellows with the yellows by hand

and the blues with the
blues, et cetera, et cetera.

I won't be there for another
half an hour at least.

You're not gonna be
here for half an hour?

Uh, well, it looks like
it's just gonna be us

for a little while.

Sucks.

You're looking at the
entrance to hell on Earth.

Trapped nearly half a
mile beneath the surface

are Mike and Lucy.

They have no food, no water,
and, most importantly,

no mutual friend to
help make conversation.

In a last-ditch effort,

rescue crews are sending
conversation starters down

through drilled holes.

Hey.

Wow. Awesome. Okay.

Ugh!

Oh, these are great. Okay.

What is your favorite band?

- Ugh.
- No? No good? Okay.

Um... do you have any siblings?

Where's Josh? Josh.

Oh, hey, this is good.

What character are you
from "Sex and the City"?

- 'Cause I'm... I'm Charlotte.
- I can't take it any longer.

Tell Josh I love him.

Man, damn it, why is Josh
always late to everything?

Huh.

Yeah, that's true.

Josh is late for everything.

Oh, my God, we're talking.

We're talking. This is good.
This is so good.

This is very good. Uh, Josh stuff.

Josh stuff. More Josh stuff.
Josh stuff. Um...

More Josh stuff.

Oh, hey! You ever notice how Josh, um...

he gets ready in the bathroom,
and it takes him, like, an hour,

and then when he comes out,
he's un-showered in, like,

a T-shirt and jeans, and you're like,

"What are you... what are
you doing in there...

for so long?" You know?

- Yeah, he does do that.
- Yeah.

It's like, "What is going on in there?"

No idea. I can tell you it's not...

it's not hygiene-related.

That's kind of funny.
Man, I got way more.

Okay, well, l-last night
we were watching, um...

Actually, you know what? That's...
I'm not gonna...

That one's really personal.

Ah, here she comes.

You just have to promise
not to tell anybody.

Mm-hmm.

- Like, really swear.
- Sure.

Okay, um...

so last night, we were
watching "Cool Runnings,"

and at the end, Josh cried so loud

that I had to turn up the volume.

- Oh, my God. For real?
- Yeah.

And then he asked me if I could
hold him until he fell asleep.

Oh, man, so good. What else you got?

Um... do you know about his
crippling fear of horses?

Horses? No way.

He sees one, and he gets all,
like, shaky and... and sweaty,

- and he freaks out.
- Ha! Spaz.

There's an air of optimism here,

as we're being told that Mike and Lucy

have found a source of conversation.

It's truly a miracle from God.

He crapped his pants? Could people tell?

Okay, well, no, except
then he kept yelling,

"I just crapped my pants"

like, over and over and over again.

Hey, guys.

- Hey, dude.
- Hey, baby.

Sorry I'm late.

Ah.

Huh, this place is kind of a dive.

Is that... is that... is that
guy eating that other guy?

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

Should we try someplace else or...?

- Sure.
- Okay, yeah, let's go.

- Yeah, sure. Yeah.
- Yep.

So did you guy do okay
in there without me?

Yeah. You know what? We had...
we had lots of fun.

- Yeah, it was cool...
- Totally.

Runnings.

Cool runnings.

- What... what does that mean?
- Do you want to go to the bar?

Okay, yeah.

And long story short, uh,

I'm not allowed to use the bathroom

at any Hardee's location across
North America ever again.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

That's intense.

I can't believe I'm telling you all this

really embarrassing, private
stuff about myself, you know?

I-I'm usually very, very guarded

and secretive, you know?

But I just... I just... I trust you.

I can tell you anything.

I-I feel like you're a
vault, you know what I mean?

Oh, one second.

- J-Josh...
- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God.
- Are you okay?

Doug sent me a picture of a horse.

I hate them so much.
I hate them so much.

Whew.

Oh, he just...

texted me again.

"Did I scare you?"

Huh, that's curious.

You're, like, literally the only person

I've ever told about my,
uh, fear of horses, so...

Huh. Hmm.

Okay. You know what? Um...

I got to split. Love you.

Hello?

- Mike...
- Oh, hey, Laura.

Lucy. Still... still Lucy.

Listen, are you telling people

all that stuff I told you about Josh?

Oh, yeah, big-time.

Mike, what the hell? All
of that was confidential.

You swore you wouldn't say anything.

I know. But then I realized

the magnitude of what
you were telling me...

how funny the shit about Josh was...

and I realized I could
no longer stay silent.

I had a responsibility to
tell the American people.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I need to conduct an
enormous press conference.

Shit. Shit.

Julian Assange, Edward Snowden,

and now the most controversial
whistleblower yet...

ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

the man behind
Josh-i-leaks, Mike Scaggs,

joining us live via satellite

from an undisclosed
location in Hong Kong.

Mike, why are you in hiding?

Because I fear for my safety.

Believe it or not, there
are some who think

what I'm doing is wrong.

And do you think what
you're doing is wrong?

All I know is that the
public needs to be informed,

because these revelations about
Josh are, like, so funny.

Like, when you hear them,
you're like, "What?

That's really funny."

You know, like, that he cried
during "Cool Runnings."

Wait, I-I'm sorry. Slow down.

Am I hearing you correctly?

Are you referring to the
1993 comedy "Cool Runnings"?

- I am.
- About those bobsled guys...

- the Jamaicans?
- Correct.

- That's a kids' movie.
- Exactly.

Josh... Josh, what are you doing here?

- Oh, hey.
- Hi.

Uh, I was looking for a bathroom,

and I wandered into this
international press conference.

What, uh... what... what
is the subject matter?

Um, you know what? Uh, nothing.

It's... it's kind of boring. Do
you want to get out of here?

You can use the bathroom next door.

I can't. It's a Hardee's.

What else can I tell you about Josh?

What the hell?

He got lost at the mall when he was 16.

Oh, in middle school, he got a boner

- during a clarinet recital.
- Gross.

Now, Mike, I know this might potentially

be putting yourself at risk,

but would you be prepared at this time

to do a mean impression

of Josh getting a boner
at that clarinet recital?

- What... what... what is going on?
- Um...

I can only speculate it
went something like this.

Boing!

This theory, of course,

implying that Josh is the snake charmer,

charming his boner, which is the snake.

Oh, no! My boner's
going into my clarinet.

It's like I'm having sex
with it, and I like it.

Of course, we
don't have all the information.

Of course. It's not outside
the realm of possibilities.

It... it could've been more like...

"Ooh! It's
stuck in the clarinet.

Hey, janitor, help!"

- Is that...?
- Yes.

How does Mike know all
this stuff about me?

I'd like to thank my informant,

who at this time I will not name...

because I'm blanking on it,

uh, but it's Josh's girlfriend.

She told me everything.

Just blabbed away.

Hey, Josh... Josh...

How could you do that?

The entire world is laughing at me.

Because Mike told everybody, not me.

Yeah, of course Mike told everybody.

I would expect that from
him, but not from you.

- I trusted you.
- I know. I'm...

I'm so sorry. J-Josh.

Anyway, peace out, queefs.

Oh, hey, uh...

- Mara or...?
- Lucy.

- Where's Josh?
- I don't know.

- He's still mad at me.
- Oh, yeah.

You told me all that stuff, and
then I told everyone else.

So good.

All right, well, just came to
pick up my "Final Battle II,"

so I'm out of here.

Wow, you're a real
asshole, you know that?

Whoa, where's that coming from?

Do you have any idea how hard it is

to try to be friends with you?

Why does it matter if we're friends.

Jesus. All
right, yeah, you know what?

You're probably right. It
was stupid and pointless.

- I don't know why I forced it.
- Yeah, that was weird.

Why'd you do that?

Because you're Josh's best friend,

and I love Josh.

For real? Like, even though

you know all that
embarrassing shit about him?

Of course.

That goofy stuff is
part of why I love him.

Thanks to you, he hates me now.

Oh...

Here we go.

He just sent me a really cold text

asking if I can meet him downtown

'cause he wants to "tell
me something in person."

I'm sure it's fine. How mad can he be?

Bring out the accused!

Make way for the Lord's work.

You shouldn't have told
secrets about Josh.

He opened up to you, and
you broke his trust.

That's private stuff! Private stuff!

Josh... Josh, can we talk about this?

I think you've talked enough.

For the high crimes of telling people

I cried during "Cool Runnings,"

as well as telling people
I got lost at the mall,

as well as telling people
that I crapped my pants

while suspended in the air

during a high-school
production of "Peter Pan."

No, Josh, I didn't tell him that one.

- You... you didn't?
- No.

'Cause I got a text from Nikhil

making fun of me for crapping my pants.

No, I told him about a different time

- that you crapped your pants.
- Oh.

- The subway?
- No.

The tramway?

How many times has this happened?

That doesn't... That hardly matters.

The point is I declare
this woman guilty.

Yeah! String her up!

Ha ha! This is happening!

Oh, this is happening!

Yes, it is.

Mike?

Oh, , it's a horse. Oh,
man, it had to be a horse.

Sir. Hey. Hey, madam.

I'm here to speak in
this lady's defense!

When I first met this woman, I
believed her to be very lame.

I was like, "What is this?

I don't know what's up with this."

I was also like, "Why this one?"

And given some time, I was like,

"This one still? But why?

What's going on here? What is this?"

Then I talked to her and
hung out with her a little,

and one fact shone so bright,
it could not be denied.

She loves my buddy... big-time,

and that is very rare.

Most girls are like, "That guy? Why?"

And also like, "No way, not him.
I'd rather not."

And at times, they're like,
"What is going on there? Ugh."

Anyway, this girlfriend is cool!

Also, dude, it feels like
you're kind of overreacting.

Yeah. Yeah, I know.

- You hired a hangman?
- Mm.

And I had to kill him? That's nuts.

I'm a murderer now.

- That's crazy.
- Yeah.

Sorry, Lucy. It's okay. I'm sorry.

The charges have been dropped!

Wait, you... you still gonna
hang someone, though, right?

Uh, no, not today.

Hey, congrats, man. You got a good one.

Thanks, I know.

- Hang someone!
- No.

What do you even get out of it anyway?

It's exciting.

Hey, uh, you want to grab
a beer or something?

Sure. Do you want to come, Lucy?

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

Hey, uh, looks like everyone's
gonna go grab one, huh?

Very cool. Very cool.

Uh...

Yeah, do you...

do you want to come?

Sure, if you insist, uh...

This turned out to be a fun evening.

- Want to know something?
- What's that?

You guys are my best friends.

- Oh, that's... that's cool.
- Aw, that's really nice.

- That's, you know...
- Yeah.

- Dude, are you seeing this?
- Hmm?

Those babes are totally vibing my Bozak.

Should I mack the one on
the right or the left?

Uh, I feel like the one on
the right is more your type.

Yeah, what do you think, Lucy?

Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, definitely
the one on the right.

Plus, the one on the
left has a wedding ring.

Whoa.

Got an insider working for us here.

Wish me luck.

That's really nice what you
did for your friend there.

You think you could help me find a man?

Yeah. Totally, Methelda.

Uh, what about that guy right there?

Oh, he looks like a screamer.

- Mm-mm.
- Right.

Well, there's also that guy.
I mean, he seems cool.

Ooh, he's got a thick neck.
Looks like a defecator.

All right, so, just to be clear,

are you looking for a guy
more for, like... for dating

- or more...
- Hanging!

- Right.
- Got ya.

Lots of these guys...
now that I'm looking...

could be potential hangers.

Someone here had to do
something wrong, right?

Hey, you ever notice how we
always talk about hanging?

- Yeah.
- Ooh, I'm sorry.

You know what? I brought some
conversation starters, too.

Oh.

Which "Sex and the City"
character would you be?

I'm a Samantha, believe it or not.

Yeah, I gue... I guess
that makes sense...

of the four.

Let me go to this next one.

What's your favorite form of execution?

Methelda!

♪ Living and laughing,
loving and a-learning ♪

♪ Moving and grooving and
sometimes there's a hanging ♪

♪ The chips may be down ♪

♪ But everything is
looking up, up, up, up ♪

♪ It's "The Methelda Show" ♪

♪ It's "The Methelda Show" ♪

♪ It's "The Methelda Show" ♪

"The Methelda Show" was filmed

in front of a live studio audience.