Man Seeking Woman (2015–2017): Season 1, Episode 9 - Teacup - full transcript
Liz struggles to move on after being dumped.
JOSH:
Man, what do I do
about this Danielle
situation?
I don't get it--
do I call her, do I text her?
(grunts)
This is so frustrating.
Girls have it so much
easier than we do.
All they have to do is
walk outside and say,
"I want to have
sex right now,"
and then they're having
sex with somebody.
Preach.
Ah! I'm gonna ask my sister.
(rings)
(beep)
Thanks.
I'll just be a second.
(sighs) Okay, so
that's it, then.
Uh, we couldn't do
long distance forever,
like you said. And
just, you know, clean.
Clean? Yep. Yeah.
Uh, what about the lake house?
I already put down a deposit.
Oh.
I'm sure they'll be able to
give you a refund. Right.
The paperwork probably hasn't It's fine.
I'll take care of it.
even gone to the office...
I'll do it.
And you'll tell everybody
at water polo?
Yeah.
They can find another... male.
Yeah. And please don't
write about this.
No. No.
Okay.
On the blog, okay. The
blog is mostly for,
you know, civil rights stuff.
It's not... Right.
It's nobody's business.
Are you sure you're okay?
I'm okay. Are you okay?
Okay. Yes.
Okay. (chuckles) Yeah.
You should go, because you're gonna miss
your flight. Yeah, I'm gonna go, okay.
Okay.
("Not in Love"
by Crystal Castles plays)
(thunder cracks)
♪ And we were lovers ♪
♪ Now we can't be friends ♪
♪ Fascination ends... ♪
♪ Here... ♪
(bird screeches)
(bird caws)
♪ ♪
(thunder rumbles)
(lively, indistinct chatter,
laughing)
LIZ: Janie and her little
friends are so cute.
And your yard,
it looks amazing.
I must say, your research
on the perennials
really paid off.
Liz, come on, let's have
some real talk now.
You don't give a shit
about my garden.
What's going on with you?
Uh... you know,
same old... same old Liz.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I know I've said it before, but I
really think that making partner
is right around the corner.
So... Great.
You know, but I was
talking about...
the Leo stuff.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm, the Leo stuff. Yeah.
Yeah.
Uh, don't worry
about that...
please, 'cause
everything's fine.
He really made the best decision
for both of us.
You know, we still
really love each other.
I'm fine.
You sure? Yeah.
Definitely, definitely.
I mean, who has career and love
figured out by 29?
The way I see it,
I'm ahead of the game, babe.
GIRLS:
We want more bubble water!
Oh, no, let me...
let me do it, let me do it.
LIZ:
Girls, girls,
there were some
fairy princesses inside,
and they made you
some bubble water!
(cheering)
Yay! Bubble water!
But I go first.
That's exactly right.
Me second! Me second!
Thank you.
There we are. A little for you.
Sarah's is the one
with the treasure chest.
So, what are you girls
talking about?
Our husbands.
Oh-ho!
I bet you're married
to Mr. Tiger over there, eh?
Hello. Hello there,
Mr. Tiger.
(toy squeaks)
Pleasure
to meet you.
My husband's name
is Richard Kaplan.
Holy shit.
Th-That's...
is that a real diamond?
It'd better be.
(laughs): Otherwise,
Richard is in big trouble.
(girls laughing)
(awkward laugh)
The cushion-cut
solitaire is such a classic.
Yeah. He did a really good job.
I just wanted a simple band,
because I use a lot of Play-Doh.
Katie, could you
come out here for a sec?
Yeah.
Hey, Mom.
What's wrong?
All of these girls are married?
Yeah.
Except for my little Janie here.
I'm starting karate
in the fall,
because when you're single
it's really important
to put yourself out there.
KATIE:
Yeah.
I'm gonna go get
those cupcakes.
Great. Cupcakes.
So, Janie, it's
unbelievable
that you're already seven.
(groans)
Don't remind me.
Why? You're not
happy about it?
Well, homework stuff is good,
so I'm happy about that.
And I know I've said it
before, but I really
think making honor roll
is right around the corner.
But I don't know.
I'm in my late single digits,
and I'm still the single girl
at the tea party.
JANE: I try to stay positive,
but, man, I'm in a dark place.
(laughs): Jane,
you're being so silly.
You just need to enjoy
being a seven-year-old.
You'll have plenty of time
to worry about icky boys
when you're older. Yeah,
but at the same time,
you don't want to wait too long.
I've heard by third grade
it's a wasteland.
Okay, don't listen
to them, Janie.
Look at me.
I'm way older
than you, and I'm not married.
(horrified gasps)
GIRLS:
You're not married?!
But you're so old.
No, I'm not.
I'm only 29.
(gasping)
(objects clattering)
I had a cat once who was 15,
and she died!
We had to bury her
in the backyard,
and my mom says
she's just bones now.
But you're older than that.
You're older than bones!
That's not exactly true.
We have an idea.
We want to set you up.
Okay. That's very cute, girls,
but I'm not looking
to be set up right now.
I hate to say it,
Liz, but at your advanced age
of a million,
it seems to me you don't have
as much time as you think.
That's enough, girls. You may
be too young to understand this,
but finding a man
and getting married
is not all that
life has to offer.
And if I do get married
and have a family,
it will be because the
timing is right for me
and not because I was pressured into
it by a bunch of second graders.
And by the way,
29 is nowhere close
to a million.
You need to brush up
on your math.
You're right, Liz, I'm not
very good with numbers.
But even if you meet a guy
today and you only date him
for one year
before you get engaged,
and it takes you...
one year to plan the wedding,
and it takes you at least
one year to get pregnant,
and you want to have
at least two kids,
and you want them to be
at least two years apart,
and you want to do all this
before you turn 40--
because, man, after that
you're really playing with fire
in terms of a whole host
of fertility problems--
(thunder rumbling) then I'd say you
really don't have a lot of time
to meet this
perfect mystery man.
But like you said,
I'm still learning math.
KATIE:
All right, you guys,
I've got cupcakes.
Happy birthday, Janie.
Make a wish, sweetheart.
I think... you need this
more than I do.
(whoops softly)
(sighs)
(neck cracks)
WOMAN (laughing): I'm totally
not calling him back.
Good night, Liz.
Have a good weekend.
Hey,
where you guys headed?
Huh?
What?
Where are you going?
Oh, Clover Club.
We'd ask you to come,
but it looks
like you're working.
Um,
would you care
if I joined you this evening?
Sure. Definitely. Okay, great.
Okay. Yeah.
Five minutes.
We'll wait in the hall.
Be right there.
♪ ♪
You guys ready or what?
I am so over
mid-century modern. I'm over it.
Okay, fine.
I'll sell everything I have.
No, I...
I don't even care.
Do you want to get a cup
of coffee with me sometime?
Yeah. Yeah, I'd love to.
But, you know, why
don't we... why don't
we do lunch instead?
I'm kind of off coffee.
It's... I'm a Paleo guy, so...
Oh. Yeah. You know? (chuckles)
J... Excuse me. Yeah.
Yeah, of course.
WOMAN: Okay, what
was wrong with him?
He seemed great.
Oh, my God,
he was on that weird Paleo diet.
(groans)
Come on, Liz.
You've found something wrong
with every guy here.
Yeah. Because they all have
something wrong with them.
Okay. What about Blue Shirt Guy? Uh, well,
he was pretty cool, but he-he called
San Francisco "San Fran."
What about him?
Uh, great taste. He put an "X"
in "espresso," though.
That guy over there. He
touched my arm in a weird way.
Him?
E-cigarette.
That guy?
Necklace.
That guy.
Galaxy phone.
This guy.
Too cocaine-y.
Too miniature. Bad breath.
Him? Him?
No. No.
Then what are you looking for,
exactly?
I'm looking for, like,
a nice, smart guy
who's moderately attractive.
And, you know, it'd be kind of cool if
he played an instrument or something.
Like a... like a banjo.
(chuckles) And he should have some money.
Because I have some money.
And... But he can't be into
the fact that he has money
or intimidated by the fact that
I have money. He's generous
and sensitive. Like, he's not afraid to
cry, but he would... he would kill...
he would kill someone
to protect his family.
And I also want him to live
in my neighborhood,
because I have very limited
free time, as you know.
Yeah. Okay. I think you're
gonna have to settle Yeah.
for a little bit less
than all of that.
(chuckles)
Truth.
Because that man
you just described
doesn't exist.
Oh.
"Truth." Who says "truth"?
(sighs) My standards
are too high, they say.
Apparently he doesn't exist
or something.
What do they know?
They're just paralegals.
You're still young.
You're... attractive.
And making partner
is right around the corner!
No.
I won't settle.
If he doesn't exist,
I will create him.
(thunder rumbling)
(cackles)
If he doesn't exist,
I will create him!
(cackles)
IGOR:
Oh, Master Liz.
Now I think you are ready
to make your perfect man.
(chuckles)
Mmm. Yes.
I've assembled the
brain of Steve Jobs.
He was a clever man.
The heart of
Nelson Mandela.
The fingers of Jimi Hendrix.
Oh, those beautiful
brown fingers.
The sun-kissed skin
of Patrick Swayze.
Uh, pre- or post-Point Break?
Shut up.
And finally...
the neighborhood proximity
of that guy in my building
who died last year!
(cackles)
Master, this is gonna be
one seriously weird dude.
Flip the switch.
The switch.
(neck cracks)
Flip the switch!
(creaking)
(crackling)
(laughs)
(lightning strikes)
(crackling)
Hi.
Hi.
I don't think we've met.
I'm Liz.
So nice to meet you, Liz.
I hope you don't mind
my playing.
I majored in
classical guitar
at Yale
and mastered the flamenco style
in my travels through Andalusia.
I love flamenco.
Did I mention
I'm Jewish?
Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry. I-I thought you knew.
Knew what?
I'm gay.
You are?
Yeah. I'm, like,
really, really gay.
But I thought
I made the perfect man.
You did.
And he's gay.
(ringtone plays)
Hang on.
It's Frank. MAN: Hey, Frank.
You coming to Fire Island
with us?
Fire bad!
JK. I'll be right out.
See you, darlings.
(whimpers)
Don't worry. He wasn't good
enough for you anyway.
Thanks, Igor.
Say, uh, you seem kind of tense.
Uh, maybe you should
slip off your coat
and let me give you a massage.
What?
Or we could
just watch a movie
and see what happens.
(chuckles)
Hmm?
No. No, that's not...
No?
that's never, ever going
to happen.
You're my employee.
Bitch.
PATTI: Aw, Liz, have
you been on any dates?
Mom, no, not really.
I'm just... I'm just focusing
on work for a while.
Why don't you let me
set you up with Chip?
Chip? Mom, no.
I'm not going out
with Dr. Fringle's son.
Why not?
You went to Camp Machanga
together.
Yeah, well,
we have no chemistry.
Oh, how do you know that?
You haven't seen him in years.
Chip's a real catch.
He's smart, he's got a good job,
and he's a real gentleman.
Liz, you've just,
you've got to just try it.
(Liz sighs)
Okay, fine,
I'll go out with Chip.
Yay.
That a girl.
(music plays,
low conversations)
So, um...
how's your dad?
He is good.
D-Do you ever watch T... TV?
No.
Uh, the weather's...
the weather, wow, it has been...
I have prepared three topics
of conversation for this date.
Would you like to hear one?
Sure.
Please select
from the following subjects:
politics, a business trip
I took to Minneapolis,
or quotations
from popular movies.
Um... let's go with movies.
(music plays) You have
selected movie quotations.
In the 1994 New Line Cinema
hit, The Mask,
star Jim Carrey's
catchphrase was...
"Somebody stop me."
Can I get another
Manhattan, please? Or...
"S-S-S-S-S-S-Smokin'."
Why don't you tell me
about, um, accounting.
What's that like for you?
The practice of accounting,
or the measuring
and processing
of financial information...
Uh... no, no, no.
Uh, I meant, what
is it like for you?
The Egyptians and Babylonians
had early bookkeeping systems
as well.
The profession
of accounting was developed
in the 19th century...
The word "accountant"
is derived
from the French word
compt-e-r.
That leads to me,
and my job at Ernst & Young
where I am in the top 21%
of management accountants.
I apologize.
I have been monopolizing
the conversation.
Please, Liz, tell me about you.
I do corporate law
and a little bit of pro bono
work on the side.
I analyzed your trial statistics
based on what I could find
in the public record.
You are in the top ten percent
of lawyers at your firm.
I predict you will soon
make partner.
Do you really think so?
Yes. It is right around
the corner.
How is your steak?
Um... it's a little rare.
I'm more of a
well done kind of...
Oh, God. Wow.
That is... that's a flame.
Is that better?
Wow.
It is, thank you.
Your eyes are very unique.
I am having trouble
processing the color.
(beeping, whirring)
(tones chime)
Color processed.
They are green.
Liz, I remember the first time
I saw you at Camp Machanga.
I have had a crush on you
since you won the long swim.
Wait, you remember that?
Yes,
I have never deleted the memory.
Would you like to hear
the dessert menu?
Uh, no, thank you.
I'm full.
We are fine.
A girl as sweet as you
does not require dessert;
you are sweet enough already.
I meant that figuratively.
I was using sweetness
as a metaphor.
I hope I did not suck the
romance out of the compliment
by overexplaining
the logic behind it.
No, you didn't at all.
That was very sweet.
Do you want to dance?
Yes, but I only know one move.
The robot.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha.
All right,
let's see what you got.
♪ ♪
Hey, is there room
in there for me?
You do not know
how long I have waited
for this moment.
I will initiate sex now
with your consent.
Wait, wait. Um,
do you have something, uh...
(zapping)
Condom applied.
Initiating sex sequence.
Three,
two,
one.
Oh.
(boing, drip sounds)
(chuckles)
That was great.
Okay. Uh, we're done?
Orgasm achieved.
Um... but...
Sex sequence complete.
LIZ:
All right. Uh...
I'm gonna go to the
bathroom. Do you want a...
glass of water
or something?
Actually, I should
probably get going.
You're leaving? Listen, Liz,
tonight was fun, but I just got
out of a long-term thing.
I am not ready to jump
into a new relationship.
When did I say anything
about a relationship?
I will exit now before it gets weird.
I didn't say anything
about a relationship.
You said "relationship."
Maybe I'll see you around.
Bye, Liz.
(clanging footsteps)
(loud crash)
(clanging footsteps continue)
(Liz crying softly)
Oh, Liz. Thank God
you're home. Okay.
I've been... I've been trying to
get in touch with you all week.
Okay. Here's the deal. Um,
I really, really like this girl,
Danielle, but I don't know if
I should call her or text her.
Uh, I keep panicking
and hanging up.
Do-do you think she can see
that? I mean, it-it never goes
to voice mail,
so I'm not sure if sh...
Liz, are you crying?
Mm-mm.
No? I... Okay.
So if I text her, I...
You're...
definitely crying.
All these people who are way younger
than me are already married, and Mom said
that I should just settle
for someone.
But why are you listening
to any of these people?
You never listen to anyone.
I know, but...
No, you're
actually the smartest person
I know.
Everyone should be listening
to you.
I don't...
I don't get it.
Can I... can I ask you
what to do about this...
girl?
(chuckles)
(sniffles)
Well, for starters,
phones do show
when you call,
even if you hung up before
it went to voice mail.
Aw. Shit.
It's okay.
We're gonna figure it out.
I... Yeah?
Yeah.
So showing up
at her house is a...
it's a definite... like,
there's no way that's good.
Don't do that.
Don't do that.
Uh...
I don't want to
talk about it.
♪ What is love? ♪
♪ I'll never know ♪
♪ They're gonna walk, walk, walk
right out ♪
♪ They're gonna take my heart ♪
♪ And leave it on the run ♪
♪ I hurt my head ♪
♪ Just thinking hard alone
of all the ways ♪
♪ And all the days
I'll have to wait alone... ♪
Man, what do I do
about this Danielle
situation?
I don't get it--
do I call her, do I text her?
(grunts)
This is so frustrating.
Girls have it so much
easier than we do.
All they have to do is
walk outside and say,
"I want to have
sex right now,"
and then they're having
sex with somebody.
Preach.
Ah! I'm gonna ask my sister.
(rings)
(beep)
Thanks.
I'll just be a second.
(sighs) Okay, so
that's it, then.
Uh, we couldn't do
long distance forever,
like you said. And
just, you know, clean.
Clean? Yep. Yeah.
Uh, what about the lake house?
I already put down a deposit.
Oh.
I'm sure they'll be able to
give you a refund. Right.
The paperwork probably hasn't It's fine.
I'll take care of it.
even gone to the office...
I'll do it.
And you'll tell everybody
at water polo?
Yeah.
They can find another... male.
Yeah. And please don't
write about this.
No. No.
Okay.
On the blog, okay. The
blog is mostly for,
you know, civil rights stuff.
It's not... Right.
It's nobody's business.
Are you sure you're okay?
I'm okay. Are you okay?
Okay. Yes.
Okay. (chuckles) Yeah.
You should go, because you're gonna miss
your flight. Yeah, I'm gonna go, okay.
Okay.
("Not in Love"
by Crystal Castles plays)
(thunder cracks)
♪ And we were lovers ♪
♪ Now we can't be friends ♪
♪ Fascination ends... ♪
♪ Here... ♪
(bird screeches)
(bird caws)
♪ ♪
(thunder rumbles)
(lively, indistinct chatter,
laughing)
LIZ: Janie and her little
friends are so cute.
And your yard,
it looks amazing.
I must say, your research
on the perennials
really paid off.
Liz, come on, let's have
some real talk now.
You don't give a shit
about my garden.
What's going on with you?
Uh... you know,
same old... same old Liz.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I know I've said it before, but I
really think that making partner
is right around the corner.
So... Great.
You know, but I was
talking about...
the Leo stuff.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm, the Leo stuff. Yeah.
Yeah.
Uh, don't worry
about that...
please, 'cause
everything's fine.
He really made the best decision
for both of us.
You know, we still
really love each other.
I'm fine.
You sure? Yeah.
Definitely, definitely.
I mean, who has career and love
figured out by 29?
The way I see it,
I'm ahead of the game, babe.
GIRLS:
We want more bubble water!
Oh, no, let me...
let me do it, let me do it.
LIZ:
Girls, girls,
there were some
fairy princesses inside,
and they made you
some bubble water!
(cheering)
Yay! Bubble water!
But I go first.
That's exactly right.
Me second! Me second!
Thank you.
There we are. A little for you.
Sarah's is the one
with the treasure chest.
So, what are you girls
talking about?
Our husbands.
Oh-ho!
I bet you're married
to Mr. Tiger over there, eh?
Hello. Hello there,
Mr. Tiger.
(toy squeaks)
Pleasure
to meet you.
My husband's name
is Richard Kaplan.
Holy shit.
Th-That's...
is that a real diamond?
It'd better be.
(laughs): Otherwise,
Richard is in big trouble.
(girls laughing)
(awkward laugh)
The cushion-cut
solitaire is such a classic.
Yeah. He did a really good job.
I just wanted a simple band,
because I use a lot of Play-Doh.
Katie, could you
come out here for a sec?
Yeah.
Hey, Mom.
What's wrong?
All of these girls are married?
Yeah.
Except for my little Janie here.
I'm starting karate
in the fall,
because when you're single
it's really important
to put yourself out there.
KATIE:
Yeah.
I'm gonna go get
those cupcakes.
Great. Cupcakes.
So, Janie, it's
unbelievable
that you're already seven.
(groans)
Don't remind me.
Why? You're not
happy about it?
Well, homework stuff is good,
so I'm happy about that.
And I know I've said it
before, but I really
think making honor roll
is right around the corner.
But I don't know.
I'm in my late single digits,
and I'm still the single girl
at the tea party.
JANE: I try to stay positive,
but, man, I'm in a dark place.
(laughs): Jane,
you're being so silly.
You just need to enjoy
being a seven-year-old.
You'll have plenty of time
to worry about icky boys
when you're older. Yeah,
but at the same time,
you don't want to wait too long.
I've heard by third grade
it's a wasteland.
Okay, don't listen
to them, Janie.
Look at me.
I'm way older
than you, and I'm not married.
(horrified gasps)
GIRLS:
You're not married?!
But you're so old.
No, I'm not.
I'm only 29.
(gasping)
(objects clattering)
I had a cat once who was 15,
and she died!
We had to bury her
in the backyard,
and my mom says
she's just bones now.
But you're older than that.
You're older than bones!
That's not exactly true.
We have an idea.
We want to set you up.
Okay. That's very cute, girls,
but I'm not looking
to be set up right now.
I hate to say it,
Liz, but at your advanced age
of a million,
it seems to me you don't have
as much time as you think.
That's enough, girls. You may
be too young to understand this,
but finding a man
and getting married
is not all that
life has to offer.
And if I do get married
and have a family,
it will be because the
timing is right for me
and not because I was pressured into
it by a bunch of second graders.
And by the way,
29 is nowhere close
to a million.
You need to brush up
on your math.
You're right, Liz, I'm not
very good with numbers.
But even if you meet a guy
today and you only date him
for one year
before you get engaged,
and it takes you...
one year to plan the wedding,
and it takes you at least
one year to get pregnant,
and you want to have
at least two kids,
and you want them to be
at least two years apart,
and you want to do all this
before you turn 40--
because, man, after that
you're really playing with fire
in terms of a whole host
of fertility problems--
(thunder rumbling) then I'd say you
really don't have a lot of time
to meet this
perfect mystery man.
But like you said,
I'm still learning math.
KATIE:
All right, you guys,
I've got cupcakes.
Happy birthday, Janie.
Make a wish, sweetheart.
I think... you need this
more than I do.
(whoops softly)
(sighs)
(neck cracks)
WOMAN (laughing): I'm totally
not calling him back.
Good night, Liz.
Have a good weekend.
Hey,
where you guys headed?
Huh?
What?
Where are you going?
Oh, Clover Club.
We'd ask you to come,
but it looks
like you're working.
Um,
would you care
if I joined you this evening?
Sure. Definitely. Okay, great.
Okay. Yeah.
Five minutes.
We'll wait in the hall.
Be right there.
♪ ♪
You guys ready or what?
I am so over
mid-century modern. I'm over it.
Okay, fine.
I'll sell everything I have.
No, I...
I don't even care.
Do you want to get a cup
of coffee with me sometime?
Yeah. Yeah, I'd love to.
But, you know, why
don't we... why don't
we do lunch instead?
I'm kind of off coffee.
It's... I'm a Paleo guy, so...
Oh. Yeah. You know? (chuckles)
J... Excuse me. Yeah.
Yeah, of course.
WOMAN: Okay, what
was wrong with him?
He seemed great.
Oh, my God,
he was on that weird Paleo diet.
(groans)
Come on, Liz.
You've found something wrong
with every guy here.
Yeah. Because they all have
something wrong with them.
Okay. What about Blue Shirt Guy? Uh, well,
he was pretty cool, but he-he called
San Francisco "San Fran."
What about him?
Uh, great taste. He put an "X"
in "espresso," though.
That guy over there. He
touched my arm in a weird way.
Him?
E-cigarette.
That guy?
Necklace.
That guy.
Galaxy phone.
This guy.
Too cocaine-y.
Too miniature. Bad breath.
Him? Him?
No. No.
Then what are you looking for,
exactly?
I'm looking for, like,
a nice, smart guy
who's moderately attractive.
And, you know, it'd be kind of cool if
he played an instrument or something.
Like a... like a banjo.
(chuckles) And he should have some money.
Because I have some money.
And... But he can't be into
the fact that he has money
or intimidated by the fact that
I have money. He's generous
and sensitive. Like, he's not afraid to
cry, but he would... he would kill...
he would kill someone
to protect his family.
And I also want him to live
in my neighborhood,
because I have very limited
free time, as you know.
Yeah. Okay. I think you're
gonna have to settle Yeah.
for a little bit less
than all of that.
(chuckles)
Truth.
Because that man
you just described
doesn't exist.
Oh.
"Truth." Who says "truth"?
(sighs) My standards
are too high, they say.
Apparently he doesn't exist
or something.
What do they know?
They're just paralegals.
You're still young.
You're... attractive.
And making partner
is right around the corner!
No.
I won't settle.
If he doesn't exist,
I will create him.
(thunder rumbling)
(cackles)
If he doesn't exist,
I will create him!
(cackles)
IGOR:
Oh, Master Liz.
Now I think you are ready
to make your perfect man.
(chuckles)
Mmm. Yes.
I've assembled the
brain of Steve Jobs.
He was a clever man.
The heart of
Nelson Mandela.
The fingers of Jimi Hendrix.
Oh, those beautiful
brown fingers.
The sun-kissed skin
of Patrick Swayze.
Uh, pre- or post-Point Break?
Shut up.
And finally...
the neighborhood proximity
of that guy in my building
who died last year!
(cackles)
Master, this is gonna be
one seriously weird dude.
Flip the switch.
The switch.
(neck cracks)
Flip the switch!
(creaking)
(crackling)
(laughs)
(lightning strikes)
(crackling)
Hi.
Hi.
I don't think we've met.
I'm Liz.
So nice to meet you, Liz.
I hope you don't mind
my playing.
I majored in
classical guitar
at Yale
and mastered the flamenco style
in my travels through Andalusia.
I love flamenco.
Did I mention
I'm Jewish?
Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry. I-I thought you knew.
Knew what?
I'm gay.
You are?
Yeah. I'm, like,
really, really gay.
But I thought
I made the perfect man.
You did.
And he's gay.
(ringtone plays)
Hang on.
It's Frank. MAN: Hey, Frank.
You coming to Fire Island
with us?
Fire bad!
JK. I'll be right out.
See you, darlings.
(whimpers)
Don't worry. He wasn't good
enough for you anyway.
Thanks, Igor.
Say, uh, you seem kind of tense.
Uh, maybe you should
slip off your coat
and let me give you a massage.
What?
Or we could
just watch a movie
and see what happens.
(chuckles)
Hmm?
No. No, that's not...
No?
that's never, ever going
to happen.
You're my employee.
Bitch.
PATTI: Aw, Liz, have
you been on any dates?
Mom, no, not really.
I'm just... I'm just focusing
on work for a while.
Why don't you let me
set you up with Chip?
Chip? Mom, no.
I'm not going out
with Dr. Fringle's son.
Why not?
You went to Camp Machanga
together.
Yeah, well,
we have no chemistry.
Oh, how do you know that?
You haven't seen him in years.
Chip's a real catch.
He's smart, he's got a good job,
and he's a real gentleman.
Liz, you've just,
you've got to just try it.
(Liz sighs)
Okay, fine,
I'll go out with Chip.
Yay.
That a girl.
(music plays,
low conversations)
So, um...
how's your dad?
He is good.
D-Do you ever watch T... TV?
No.
Uh, the weather's...
the weather, wow, it has been...
I have prepared three topics
of conversation for this date.
Would you like to hear one?
Sure.
Please select
from the following subjects:
politics, a business trip
I took to Minneapolis,
or quotations
from popular movies.
Um... let's go with movies.
(music plays) You have
selected movie quotations.
In the 1994 New Line Cinema
hit, The Mask,
star Jim Carrey's
catchphrase was...
"Somebody stop me."
Can I get another
Manhattan, please? Or...
"S-S-S-S-S-S-Smokin'."
Why don't you tell me
about, um, accounting.
What's that like for you?
The practice of accounting,
or the measuring
and processing
of financial information...
Uh... no, no, no.
Uh, I meant, what
is it like for you?
The Egyptians and Babylonians
had early bookkeeping systems
as well.
The profession
of accounting was developed
in the 19th century...
The word "accountant"
is derived
from the French word
compt-e-r.
That leads to me,
and my job at Ernst & Young
where I am in the top 21%
of management accountants.
I apologize.
I have been monopolizing
the conversation.
Please, Liz, tell me about you.
I do corporate law
and a little bit of pro bono
work on the side.
I analyzed your trial statistics
based on what I could find
in the public record.
You are in the top ten percent
of lawyers at your firm.
I predict you will soon
make partner.
Do you really think so?
Yes. It is right around
the corner.
How is your steak?
Um... it's a little rare.
I'm more of a
well done kind of...
Oh, God. Wow.
That is... that's a flame.
Is that better?
Wow.
It is, thank you.
Your eyes are very unique.
I am having trouble
processing the color.
(beeping, whirring)
(tones chime)
Color processed.
They are green.
Liz, I remember the first time
I saw you at Camp Machanga.
I have had a crush on you
since you won the long swim.
Wait, you remember that?
Yes,
I have never deleted the memory.
Would you like to hear
the dessert menu?
Uh, no, thank you.
I'm full.
We are fine.
A girl as sweet as you
does not require dessert;
you are sweet enough already.
I meant that figuratively.
I was using sweetness
as a metaphor.
I hope I did not suck the
romance out of the compliment
by overexplaining
the logic behind it.
No, you didn't at all.
That was very sweet.
Do you want to dance?
Yes, but I only know one move.
The robot.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha.
All right,
let's see what you got.
♪ ♪
Hey, is there room
in there for me?
You do not know
how long I have waited
for this moment.
I will initiate sex now
with your consent.
Wait, wait. Um,
do you have something, uh...
(zapping)
Condom applied.
Initiating sex sequence.
Three,
two,
one.
Oh.
(boing, drip sounds)
(chuckles)
That was great.
Okay. Uh, we're done?
Orgasm achieved.
Um... but...
Sex sequence complete.
LIZ:
All right. Uh...
I'm gonna go to the
bathroom. Do you want a...
glass of water
or something?
Actually, I should
probably get going.
You're leaving? Listen, Liz,
tonight was fun, but I just got
out of a long-term thing.
I am not ready to jump
into a new relationship.
When did I say anything
about a relationship?
I will exit now before it gets weird.
I didn't say anything
about a relationship.
You said "relationship."
Maybe I'll see you around.
Bye, Liz.
(clanging footsteps)
(loud crash)
(clanging footsteps continue)
(Liz crying softly)
Oh, Liz. Thank God
you're home. Okay.
I've been... I've been trying to
get in touch with you all week.
Okay. Here's the deal. Um,
I really, really like this girl,
Danielle, but I don't know if
I should call her or text her.
Uh, I keep panicking
and hanging up.
Do-do you think she can see
that? I mean, it-it never goes
to voice mail,
so I'm not sure if sh...
Liz, are you crying?
Mm-mm.
No? I... Okay.
So if I text her, I...
You're...
definitely crying.
All these people who are way younger
than me are already married, and Mom said
that I should just settle
for someone.
But why are you listening
to any of these people?
You never listen to anyone.
I know, but...
No, you're
actually the smartest person
I know.
Everyone should be listening
to you.
I don't...
I don't get it.
Can I... can I ask you
what to do about this...
girl?
(chuckles)
(sniffles)
Well, for starters,
phones do show
when you call,
even if you hung up before
it went to voice mail.
Aw. Shit.
It's okay.
We're gonna figure it out.
I... Yeah?
Yeah.
So showing up
at her house is a...
it's a definite... like,
there's no way that's good.
Don't do that.
Don't do that.
Uh...
I don't want to
talk about it.
♪ What is love? ♪
♪ I'll never know ♪
♪ They're gonna walk, walk, walk
right out ♪
♪ They're gonna take my heart ♪
♪ And leave it on the run ♪
♪ I hurt my head ♪
♪ Just thinking hard alone
of all the ways ♪
♪ And all the days
I'll have to wait alone... ♪