Man Seeking Woman (2015–2017): Season 1, Episode 10 - Scepter - full transcript
Josh tries to get Maggie back.
Uh, so, uh... Aah!
You sure she's the last one?
Eh, positive.
I mean, you've struck out
with every other
woman on Earth, man.
You've tried every bar and
dating site in human society.
If you can't make it
work out with Unkluk'tu,
you're officially
out of options.
Okay.
(all laugh quietly)
Crushing it, bro.
Yeah?
Yeah.
(speaking in native language)
Uh...
What? What she say?
Asked if you were a god.
Pretty good sign, brother.
(speaking in Unkluk'tu's
language)
Yeah, totally cool.
Um, so...
uh... Unkluk'tu,
do-do you like...?
Unkluk'tu.
Yes. Uh, do you...
like... music?
(speaking local language)
(laughing)
Nice!
Score, bro.
Perfect questions.
Nice!
(singing in native language)
I love this!
MIKE: Oh, good.
(speaking in native language)
Hey, time to go for it.
Yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
(with British accent):
Um... uh, milady,
uh, would you
uh, care to have dinner
with me while... Okay.
That was an accent,
I don't know... Yeah.
What are you doing?
Do-do you...?
(normal voice):
Would you like to have
dinner with me sometime?
(Mike speaking local language)
(speaks native language)
Uh, uh, well,
she thinks you're
very nice and...
and loves that you're
a powerful god.
She really likes where things
are at with you guys.
(speaking native language)
And doesn't want
to jeopardize your...
(speaks native language)
...friendship.
Friendship. No, I-I figured.
Friendship.
Uh, cool. No, I...
I get that.
I-I respect that.
Friendship.
(both grunting, gasping)
Okay, so...
guess that's it, then.
That's it.
Cool.
(video game sound effects
playing; man screams)
It's hopeless.
There's no one
in the world for me.
Some people are just meant
to die alone.
Totally, bro.
(cell phone buzzing)
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Yeah, hello? Hello?
Hi. Maggie!
Hi! Oh, good, yeah, yeah.
You...?
(whispers):
You want to get together.
Yeah, yeah. That's great.
That would be great.
No, now-now-now...
now's a great time.
Oh, this all makes sense now!
This is why I didn't click
with any of those other women.
I think I was meant
to be with Maggie.
Everything happens
for a reason.
Oh!
Oh, hi!
(laughing)
Josh!
You look great.
Oh, no. You look great.
Wow. Aw!
You look great.
I knew... yeah, this is...
Thanks.
so nice.
(laughs)
I'm kind of nervous.
Yeah, me, too.
Me too. I-I...
Yeah.
God, you're beautiful.
Oh, thank you.
I'm just gonna come out and say...
Come out and say it.
(both laughing)
Finishing each other's
sentences, that is classic
Josh and Maggie.
It is.
It's... chocolate
and peanut butter and...
(laughs)
and-and Danny Glover and,
uh, Mel Gibson. Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Okay, um... here it is:
Graham and I are
getting married.
Wait, uh, what?
(laughs) Graham and
I are getting married.
Oh, my God.
Yay.
Oh...
Oh, cool.
Yeah.
I know.
That is so c...
Holy shit.
You sure you're okay? Oh,
yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Oh.
So, you-you guys must be,
like, busy, busy, busy.
Are you, are you, uh, trying
to do, like, a big wedding
or just kind of, like, a small,
justice of the peace thing
like we were
trying to do, or...
Are you sure you're okay?
Mm, yeah, I'm fine.
Sir, an ambulance
is on its way.
Is there anything
I can do for you
in the meantime?
You, uh... You, uh, your
French onion soup... Yes?
Is it super oniony?
No, not
super oniony. All right,
I'll take some of that, then.
Are you fine for water here?
How's my, how's my...
is the French
onion soup coming?
Yes. Yes, it is, sir.
Yes. Great. Good news.
Thank you.
Thank you.
So... Um, so is your mom
just becoming, like, a...
a Momzilla,
or, you know,
(siren wailing) or are you
guys like, "No, hands off,
we can do this our own self."
We've actually hired
a wedding planner.
Wedding planner...?
That's smart, right?
Smart.
Yeah, I think so.
I mean, I just
don't want to have all
the pressure on me to make
all the decisions, 'cause
I'm not that good...
You know how it is.
Oh, wedding planner, wed...
so what's gonna
be your guys'
first song for your first dance?
"Wonderwall."
Oasis.
Oh, yeah.
That was our song, huh?
I know!
But it's a cool song, right?
That's a great song.
Are you sure you're
okay with this?
Oh, yeah, yes, congratulations.
Okay.
Let me know where you guys
get registered. Oh, I will.
Mazel tov.
Thank you.
I can't believe Maggie's marrying this
guy. Oh, Graham, that guy's great.
What?!
He's way better than you.
(chuckles)
What the... What? Jesus, man.
I'm sorry. Look...
any time you want to
talk about anything,
just know that I'm always
there for-- Oh!
Dick pills!
Two minutes of sexual
madness? How much?
$2.50. But be careful.
(gasps)
Label says may cause irreparable
damage to the liver. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll take 'em. I can't believe...
I just can't believe
I-I bought her those
cheap, stupid carnations.
Ho... Ow!
Ow! My balls
are boiling.
It's just, like, if
I'd just gotten her
an actually good
birthday present.
Put some thought into it, we
never would have had that fight,
and we'd still be together. I...
It is what it is, buddy.
It's not like you can
go back in time.
Holy shit.
Two minutes of
time travel madness?
What do they do?
They take you back in time.
I took one once,
saw some dinosaurs.
How much?
$2.50.
Be very careful.
Label says may cause
irreparable damage
to the space-time continuum.
Hachi machi.
Thank you.
What the... Oh, my... Aah, aah! Josh, it's
me, from the future-- listen, listen--
don't buy Maggie these
cheap purple carnations.
She'll think they're
cheap and stupid.
(screaming)
Shut up.
Good God, man, get
ahold of yourself.
Buy her that necklace she wanted.
(screaming)
Stop screaming.
Trust me...!
(Mike groaning)
My liver really hurts.
Jesus Christ.
We told you not to take those.
Oh, my G... Maggie.
What?
Oh, my God.
And the necklace--
it-it worked.
What? Did... I...
I-I love you, you...
I love you, yeah. Yeah. You... yeah.
Oh, my God, this ama... It worked.
Okay, we got... we got to... We got to go.
What are you talking about?
Why? We have to go make
up for so much lost time.
(laughs)
This way.
(laughing)
Oh, oh, God.
Oh!
(both gasping passionately)
I love you.
I love you, too.
Mm.
Mm.
Mm-hmm.
Ooh. Ooh.
(chuckles)
Do you want to get
dinner? My treat.
Sure.
Yeah?
We haven't had sushi
in a while...
(gasps) Sushi. Yeah.
Sushi's good.
Check the old balance.
Okay. Yeah, okay,
su-sushi--
always an option.
We could also...
Mm-hmm?
...do that
little falafel place.
You know, the one
that's also a dry cleaner's?
You know?
Yeah.
Cool, yeah.
We can do that.
You know what? No.
Who do you think
God prays to?
An even bigger god?
(exhales)
I... I think-I think...
I think I'm gonna
major in philosophy.
Sweet plan, bro.
Josh.
Aah!
Don't major in philosophy.
Aah!
Major in economics.
Your life
will be much better.
Trust me!
Yay. Thank you. Mmm...
Hello, sweetie.
Sweetie.
How was work today?
Just did economics stuff
at my economics job.
(giggles)
What? What... What are you...
What are you looking at?
Oh. Just those guys.
Cool beards, huh?
You like those.
Yeah.
Yeah, they're cool.
They're cool
They are cool.
They, um...
Say, what's-what's over, uh...
What? Don't... That-That
thing over there,
that's just marvelous.
That's...
What are you
talking about?
What you doing, Tom?
Oh, just shaving my
whiskers, Joshie.
When I grow up,
I'm shaving every day.
Neato.
Josh! Don't shave every day.
(screaming)
Grow distinctive facial hair.
Distinctive facial hair!
Trust me!
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
Josh, you may now
kiss Maggie.
Yeah!
I'm so happy.
Me, too.
Everything is finally perfect,
and I didn't even screw up
the space-time continuum.
(church bells ringing)
WOMAN (over PA):
This is your daily reminder
that Trackanon
plans to kill all.
Thank you, and praise Trackanon.
Oh, hey, man.
Just wanted to
say thank you
for those terrific
time-travel pills.
Uh, let me update
you on my life.
I'm now married
to Maggie.
And absolutely everything's
perfect, so...
...yeah.
D-Do you have any new
video game magazines?
I don't know.
Check the rack.
Well, yep.
(sighing): Okay...
FEMALE VOICE: This is
the one-hour warning
(siren wailing)
for the city-wide curfew.
Please return to your homes now.
(man grunts)
Ugh, I can't
take it anymore.
Go back to space,
you crummy aliens!
(shouts)
MAGGIE: Hey, I thought you
stopped reading that magazine.
R-Really?
Yeah.
You said it was
a dumb magazine
for kids who play
too many video games.
I-I did?
(gasps) Oh, our
favorite show is on.
Ooh...
Is it, uh, Carnivàl?
No, Meet the Press.
Meet...
MAN: ...on
your 401K.
Is it too late
to climb on board?
MAN 2: Not at all,
I think
what we've seen
is just the tip of the iceberg.
WOMAN: I would not want
to be on the sideline.
There's lots of room for growth.
MAN 1:
Glad to hear that,
which brings us
to the financial markets...
FEMALE VOICE:
This is your daily reminder
that Trackanon plans
to kill all.
Thank you, and praise Trackanon.
Mike?
Josh Greenberg.
Get out of town.
Bring it in, dude.
What's happening, baby?
Uh...
Good to see you, man.
Ooh, sorry about that.
It's just...
wh-what's all, uh...?
Oh, dude, I'm working as
a sex slave for Trackanon.
Great gig-- dental,
mental health,
Jewish holidays off.
It's killer stuff, man.
FEMALE VOICE:
Two-minute warning.
Ooh, hey, could you help
me stretch real quick?
Yeah, o-okay.
Just put the lid down.
All right.
Okay, get on in
there, brother.
Jesus, I'm just, uh...
Go for it.
Just, just push, man.
Yeah, just like that.
Oh, just like that!
Ah, hail Trackanon.
Whoo! This feels good, man.
Just the two of us
hanging out again,
I mean, it's been,
like, years.
Really?
Yeah, but, dude,
it's not your fault.
I totally get it--
you're too busy.
Here, stretch
my cheeks.
Uh, married to Maggie,
hello.
Trading bonds
at Goldman Trackanon.
It's beautiful, man.
We're both living the lives
we always wanted.
(horn blows)
Oh, sex horn, dude--
gotta run.
JOSH:
Does anyone here know Liz?
MAN 2: Code Green!
Code Green! Tunnel breach!
General Greenberg,
we found this intruder.
You want to kill him?
Leave him to me.
Josh, what are you
doing here?
I thought you and Maggie
were loyal to Trackanon.
What?
Doesn't matter--
it's so good to see you.
I can finally give you
your wedding gift.
You got golf clubs.
Yeah, the pro
at your country club said
that they were
your favorite brand.
(alarm wails)
MAN: Tunnel breach!
(guns fire)
Alien in the tunnels!
Country club?!
Code Green! Code Green!
Let's go!
Get down! Go!
Stay down, Josh!
Get off my planet!
(yells victoriously)
(alarm stops)
I mean, golf clubs.
Are you s...?
Like, what is this?
What, what is this?
I look like d'Artagnan,
and I love Meet the Press?
Have I really
changed that much?
No. I mean, you still have
your distinctive...
Josh... facial hair.
Hey, listen, the important thing
is, you're happy.
(alarm sounding, gunfire)
What do you mean
you're not happy?
What does that mean? What?
You're not acting like yourself!
I know. That's the point
I'm trying to make.
This isn't who I am.
Josh, you're scaring me.
No, Maggie.
It's okay, all right?
I can... I can
fix this. Watch.
I can make things better, okay?
How?
I'll make... I'm make
everything okay.
I'll make everything...
What?!
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
What?!
Oh, no.
(sighs)
I'm stuck here.
(cries, sniffles)
JOSH: Uh...
Okay.
(distant alarm wailing,
gunfire) Maggie, we just...
we shouldn't be married.
We need to get divorced.
We can't!
No. Okay, I know.
I know, it's... no fun.
No one wants to
do it, but it's...
Oh, you idiot!
Trackanon's Catholic, okay?
Divorce is punishable by death!
We're married
for the rest of your life!
Hail, Trackanon.
FEMALE VOICE:
(beep) Thank you.
Do it.
Do... do what?
Hail, Trackanon.
Hail, Trackanon.
FEMALE VOICE:
(beep) Thank you.
(alarm and gunfire continue)
(Maggie crying)
(sighs)
(Maggie sniffling)
Yeah, sorry, dude--
nobody gets in
to see Trackanon
except his official sluts.
Right. Well, maybe...
I can join his harem.
I don't know, dude.
How wide can you open
your mouth?
Well, uh...
Whoa! Welcome aboard, stud!
Here. Suit up
and get greasy.
Your Serene Majesty,
this is my friend Josh.
He's super cool.
Yeah. Hi. Thanks.
Thanks for having me.
(grumbles)
A lot of it...
It's-it's my metabolism.
He's eating a lot more.
Oh, yeah. No, no,
I-I'm eating way more.
(lively dance music plays)
(Mike grunting, gasping)
Oh, my God.
(Mike and Trackanon moaning)
Oh, that's awful.
Uh, dance?
♪ ♪
Oh, yup. Jogging to ya.
Okay. Yeah,
let me just, uh...
finger your...
Hey, come back!
Hey, dude, he's not kidding!
He kills people all the time.
Give back his king-stick!
I'm real sorry,
uh, Trackanon, uh...
This is... this is all my fault.
This has nothing to do
with you. You just... you really
shouldn't even be here
right now.
No!
(Mike sobbing)
(sobs)
(cheering and shouting)
He is dead!
(gunfire, cheering)
Oh! Tom!
Tom, our Joshie was the one
who killed Trackanon!
He saved the human race!
Neato.
(electric shaver whirring)
Okay, sign
right here.
And right here.
Officially divorced.
Thank you.
Here are your rings.
Oh. Okay.
You've completely
ruined my life.
(mutters)
Maggie, wait...
(sighs)
There's... someone
I want you to meet.
Uh, so, Maggie,
uh, this is Graham.
Graham, this is Maggie.
That's the-the girl
I was telling you about.
Hey.
Hi.
So, Josh tells me you're...
you're into golf.
Yeah, I am...
Yeah? Cool.
...actually.
Yeah. What's your handicap?
My handicap?
Yeah. I'm like a...
like a ten index.
MAGGIE:
Oh, wow.
(Josh sputters)
How do you feel, Josh?
Uh, honestly?
(Graham and Maggie
chatting in distance)
Like I'm finally over her...
for real this time.
(inhales deeply)
Do you guys
want to go out?
I'm not really ready
to date, bro.
You don't just get over
someone like Trackanon.
First person I'd ever
been faithful to.
Wasn't a person.
LIZ: And I... I
gotta head to work.
I think I've got a shot
at making partner,
now that all of the
partners are dead. Oh.
No, you know what?
Wait, wait, wait.
Guys, guys, guys--
no... no, no, no...
Listen, we are young,
we're single,
Trackanon is dead.
I'm sorry, but he is.
And it's Saturday night!
I... Listen... LIZ: I...
I don't know.
What's the worst
that could possibly happen?
I...
I...I just...
I... Come on, you pussies!
(laughs)
Huh?
You pussy!
That's funny.
Right?
You are what you eat.
Hey, that a boy.
(laughs)
I'm not touching you.
Okay.
No, it's-it's...
I don't actually talk like that.
Uh-huh. Oh, sure.
You know how I talk.
Anyway, the point is...
What's the point?
The night is young.
Oh, my God.
Follow the jiggling...
♪ Ting-aling-aling! ♪
I can't say no to that guy.
That is unbelievable.
♪ Tinga-linga-ling. ♪ Did
you know he could do that?
Did you teach him this?
MIKE: I do now.
Where did you get those moves?
Oh, shit. Oh, no.
Uh-oh.
(Mike singing)
Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
This is fun...
♪ I'm moving on,
I'm getting out ♪
♪ I've killed the monster ♪
♪ Passed it behind,
fate has been kind ♪
♪ I've killed the monster ♪
♪ I know it's right,
I've learned to fight ♪
♪ I've killed the monster ♪
♪ Let it be said when I am dead
I've killed the monster ♪
♪ They'll put me down ♪
♪ Throw my name around ♪
♪ But I have found
a good thing ♪
♪ Right to the end
I was my friend ♪
♪ I killed the monster ♪
♪ I almost lost,
I paid the cost... ♪
You sure she's the last one?
Eh, positive.
I mean, you've struck out
with every other
woman on Earth, man.
You've tried every bar and
dating site in human society.
If you can't make it
work out with Unkluk'tu,
you're officially
out of options.
Okay.
(all laugh quietly)
Crushing it, bro.
Yeah?
Yeah.
(speaking in native language)
Uh...
What? What she say?
Asked if you were a god.
Pretty good sign, brother.
(speaking in Unkluk'tu's
language)
Yeah, totally cool.
Um, so...
uh... Unkluk'tu,
do-do you like...?
Unkluk'tu.
Yes. Uh, do you...
like... music?
(speaking local language)
(laughing)
Nice!
Score, bro.
Perfect questions.
Nice!
(singing in native language)
I love this!
MIKE: Oh, good.
(speaking in native language)
Hey, time to go for it.
Yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
(with British accent):
Um... uh, milady,
uh, would you
uh, care to have dinner
with me while... Okay.
That was an accent,
I don't know... Yeah.
What are you doing?
Do-do you...?
(normal voice):
Would you like to have
dinner with me sometime?
(Mike speaking local language)
(speaks native language)
Uh, uh, well,
she thinks you're
very nice and...
and loves that you're
a powerful god.
She really likes where things
are at with you guys.
(speaking native language)
And doesn't want
to jeopardize your...
(speaks native language)
...friendship.
Friendship. No, I-I figured.
Friendship.
Uh, cool. No, I...
I get that.
I-I respect that.
Friendship.
(both grunting, gasping)
Okay, so...
guess that's it, then.
That's it.
Cool.
(video game sound effects
playing; man screams)
It's hopeless.
There's no one
in the world for me.
Some people are just meant
to die alone.
Totally, bro.
(cell phone buzzing)
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Yeah, hello? Hello?
Hi. Maggie!
Hi! Oh, good, yeah, yeah.
You...?
(whispers):
You want to get together.
Yeah, yeah. That's great.
That would be great.
No, now-now-now...
now's a great time.
Oh, this all makes sense now!
This is why I didn't click
with any of those other women.
I think I was meant
to be with Maggie.
Everything happens
for a reason.
Oh!
Oh, hi!
(laughing)
Josh!
You look great.
Oh, no. You look great.
Wow. Aw!
You look great.
I knew... yeah, this is...
Thanks.
so nice.
(laughs)
I'm kind of nervous.
Yeah, me, too.
Me too. I-I...
Yeah.
God, you're beautiful.
Oh, thank you.
I'm just gonna come out and say...
Come out and say it.
(both laughing)
Finishing each other's
sentences, that is classic
Josh and Maggie.
It is.
It's... chocolate
and peanut butter and...
(laughs)
and-and Danny Glover and,
uh, Mel Gibson. Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Okay, um... here it is:
Graham and I are
getting married.
Wait, uh, what?
(laughs) Graham and
I are getting married.
Oh, my God.
Yay.
Oh...
Oh, cool.
Yeah.
I know.
That is so c...
Holy shit.
You sure you're okay? Oh,
yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Oh.
So, you-you guys must be,
like, busy, busy, busy.
Are you, are you, uh, trying
to do, like, a big wedding
or just kind of, like, a small,
justice of the peace thing
like we were
trying to do, or...
Are you sure you're okay?
Mm, yeah, I'm fine.
Sir, an ambulance
is on its way.
Is there anything
I can do for you
in the meantime?
You, uh... You, uh, your
French onion soup... Yes?
Is it super oniony?
No, not
super oniony. All right,
I'll take some of that, then.
Are you fine for water here?
How's my, how's my...
is the French
onion soup coming?
Yes. Yes, it is, sir.
Yes. Great. Good news.
Thank you.
Thank you.
So... Um, so is your mom
just becoming, like, a...
a Momzilla,
or, you know,
(siren wailing) or are you
guys like, "No, hands off,
we can do this our own self."
We've actually hired
a wedding planner.
Wedding planner...?
That's smart, right?
Smart.
Yeah, I think so.
I mean, I just
don't want to have all
the pressure on me to make
all the decisions, 'cause
I'm not that good...
You know how it is.
Oh, wedding planner, wed...
so what's gonna
be your guys'
first song for your first dance?
"Wonderwall."
Oasis.
Oh, yeah.
That was our song, huh?
I know!
But it's a cool song, right?
That's a great song.
Are you sure you're
okay with this?
Oh, yeah, yes, congratulations.
Okay.
Let me know where you guys
get registered. Oh, I will.
Mazel tov.
Thank you.
I can't believe Maggie's marrying this
guy. Oh, Graham, that guy's great.
What?!
He's way better than you.
(chuckles)
What the... What? Jesus, man.
I'm sorry. Look...
any time you want to
talk about anything,
just know that I'm always
there for-- Oh!
Dick pills!
Two minutes of sexual
madness? How much?
$2.50. But be careful.
(gasps)
Label says may cause irreparable
damage to the liver. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll take 'em. I can't believe...
I just can't believe
I-I bought her those
cheap, stupid carnations.
Ho... Ow!
Ow! My balls
are boiling.
It's just, like, if
I'd just gotten her
an actually good
birthday present.
Put some thought into it, we
never would have had that fight,
and we'd still be together. I...
It is what it is, buddy.
It's not like you can
go back in time.
Holy shit.
Two minutes of
time travel madness?
What do they do?
They take you back in time.
I took one once,
saw some dinosaurs.
How much?
$2.50.
Be very careful.
Label says may cause
irreparable damage
to the space-time continuum.
Hachi machi.
Thank you.
What the... Oh, my... Aah, aah! Josh, it's
me, from the future-- listen, listen--
don't buy Maggie these
cheap purple carnations.
She'll think they're
cheap and stupid.
(screaming)
Shut up.
Good God, man, get
ahold of yourself.
Buy her that necklace she wanted.
(screaming)
Stop screaming.
Trust me...!
(Mike groaning)
My liver really hurts.
Jesus Christ.
We told you not to take those.
Oh, my G... Maggie.
What?
Oh, my God.
And the necklace--
it-it worked.
What? Did... I...
I-I love you, you...
I love you, yeah. Yeah. You... yeah.
Oh, my God, this ama... It worked.
Okay, we got... we got to... We got to go.
What are you talking about?
Why? We have to go make
up for so much lost time.
(laughs)
This way.
(laughing)
Oh, oh, God.
Oh!
(both gasping passionately)
I love you.
I love you, too.
Mm.
Mm.
Mm-hmm.
Ooh. Ooh.
(chuckles)
Do you want to get
dinner? My treat.
Sure.
Yeah?
We haven't had sushi
in a while...
(gasps) Sushi. Yeah.
Sushi's good.
Check the old balance.
Okay. Yeah, okay,
su-sushi--
always an option.
We could also...
Mm-hmm?
...do that
little falafel place.
You know, the one
that's also a dry cleaner's?
You know?
Yeah.
Cool, yeah.
We can do that.
You know what? No.
Who do you think
God prays to?
An even bigger god?
(exhales)
I... I think-I think...
I think I'm gonna
major in philosophy.
Sweet plan, bro.
Josh.
Aah!
Don't major in philosophy.
Aah!
Major in economics.
Your life
will be much better.
Trust me!
Yay. Thank you. Mmm...
Hello, sweetie.
Sweetie.
How was work today?
Just did economics stuff
at my economics job.
(giggles)
What? What... What are you...
What are you looking at?
Oh. Just those guys.
Cool beards, huh?
You like those.
Yeah.
Yeah, they're cool.
They're cool
They are cool.
They, um...
Say, what's-what's over, uh...
What? Don't... That-That
thing over there,
that's just marvelous.
That's...
What are you
talking about?
What you doing, Tom?
Oh, just shaving my
whiskers, Joshie.
When I grow up,
I'm shaving every day.
Neato.
Josh! Don't shave every day.
(screaming)
Grow distinctive facial hair.
Distinctive facial hair!
Trust me!
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
Josh, you may now
kiss Maggie.
Yeah!
I'm so happy.
Me, too.
Everything is finally perfect,
and I didn't even screw up
the space-time continuum.
(church bells ringing)
WOMAN (over PA):
This is your daily reminder
that Trackanon
plans to kill all.
Thank you, and praise Trackanon.
Oh, hey, man.
Just wanted to
say thank you
for those terrific
time-travel pills.
Uh, let me update
you on my life.
I'm now married
to Maggie.
And absolutely everything's
perfect, so...
...yeah.
D-Do you have any new
video game magazines?
I don't know.
Check the rack.
Well, yep.
(sighing): Okay...
FEMALE VOICE: This is
the one-hour warning
(siren wailing)
for the city-wide curfew.
Please return to your homes now.
(man grunts)
Ugh, I can't
take it anymore.
Go back to space,
you crummy aliens!
(shouts)
MAGGIE: Hey, I thought you
stopped reading that magazine.
R-Really?
Yeah.
You said it was
a dumb magazine
for kids who play
too many video games.
I-I did?
(gasps) Oh, our
favorite show is on.
Ooh...
Is it, uh, Carnivàl?
No, Meet the Press.
Meet...
MAN: ...on
your 401K.
Is it too late
to climb on board?
MAN 2: Not at all,
I think
what we've seen
is just the tip of the iceberg.
WOMAN: I would not want
to be on the sideline.
There's lots of room for growth.
MAN 1:
Glad to hear that,
which brings us
to the financial markets...
FEMALE VOICE:
This is your daily reminder
that Trackanon plans
to kill all.
Thank you, and praise Trackanon.
Mike?
Josh Greenberg.
Get out of town.
Bring it in, dude.
What's happening, baby?
Uh...
Good to see you, man.
Ooh, sorry about that.
It's just...
wh-what's all, uh...?
Oh, dude, I'm working as
a sex slave for Trackanon.
Great gig-- dental,
mental health,
Jewish holidays off.
It's killer stuff, man.
FEMALE VOICE:
Two-minute warning.
Ooh, hey, could you help
me stretch real quick?
Yeah, o-okay.
Just put the lid down.
All right.
Okay, get on in
there, brother.
Jesus, I'm just, uh...
Go for it.
Just, just push, man.
Yeah, just like that.
Oh, just like that!
Ah, hail Trackanon.
Whoo! This feels good, man.
Just the two of us
hanging out again,
I mean, it's been,
like, years.
Really?
Yeah, but, dude,
it's not your fault.
I totally get it--
you're too busy.
Here, stretch
my cheeks.
Uh, married to Maggie,
hello.
Trading bonds
at Goldman Trackanon.
It's beautiful, man.
We're both living the lives
we always wanted.
(horn blows)
Oh, sex horn, dude--
gotta run.
JOSH:
Does anyone here know Liz?
MAN 2: Code Green!
Code Green! Tunnel breach!
General Greenberg,
we found this intruder.
You want to kill him?
Leave him to me.
Josh, what are you
doing here?
I thought you and Maggie
were loyal to Trackanon.
What?
Doesn't matter--
it's so good to see you.
I can finally give you
your wedding gift.
You got golf clubs.
Yeah, the pro
at your country club said
that they were
your favorite brand.
(alarm wails)
MAN: Tunnel breach!
(guns fire)
Alien in the tunnels!
Country club?!
Code Green! Code Green!
Let's go!
Get down! Go!
Stay down, Josh!
Get off my planet!
(yells victoriously)
(alarm stops)
I mean, golf clubs.
Are you s...?
Like, what is this?
What, what is this?
I look like d'Artagnan,
and I love Meet the Press?
Have I really
changed that much?
No. I mean, you still have
your distinctive...
Josh... facial hair.
Hey, listen, the important thing
is, you're happy.
(alarm sounding, gunfire)
What do you mean
you're not happy?
What does that mean? What?
You're not acting like yourself!
I know. That's the point
I'm trying to make.
This isn't who I am.
Josh, you're scaring me.
No, Maggie.
It's okay, all right?
I can... I can
fix this. Watch.
I can make things better, okay?
How?
I'll make... I'm make
everything okay.
I'll make everything...
What?!
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
What?!
Oh, no.
(sighs)
I'm stuck here.
(cries, sniffles)
JOSH: Uh...
Okay.
(distant alarm wailing,
gunfire) Maggie, we just...
we shouldn't be married.
We need to get divorced.
We can't!
No. Okay, I know.
I know, it's... no fun.
No one wants to
do it, but it's...
Oh, you idiot!
Trackanon's Catholic, okay?
Divorce is punishable by death!
We're married
for the rest of your life!
Hail, Trackanon.
FEMALE VOICE:
(beep) Thank you.
Do it.
Do... do what?
Hail, Trackanon.
Hail, Trackanon.
FEMALE VOICE:
(beep) Thank you.
(alarm and gunfire continue)
(Maggie crying)
(sighs)
(Maggie sniffling)
Yeah, sorry, dude--
nobody gets in
to see Trackanon
except his official sluts.
Right. Well, maybe...
I can join his harem.
I don't know, dude.
How wide can you open
your mouth?
Well, uh...
Whoa! Welcome aboard, stud!
Here. Suit up
and get greasy.
Your Serene Majesty,
this is my friend Josh.
He's super cool.
Yeah. Hi. Thanks.
Thanks for having me.
(grumbles)
A lot of it...
It's-it's my metabolism.
He's eating a lot more.
Oh, yeah. No, no,
I-I'm eating way more.
(lively dance music plays)
(Mike grunting, gasping)
Oh, my God.
(Mike and Trackanon moaning)
Oh, that's awful.
Uh, dance?
♪ ♪
Oh, yup. Jogging to ya.
Okay. Yeah,
let me just, uh...
finger your...
Hey, come back!
Hey, dude, he's not kidding!
He kills people all the time.
Give back his king-stick!
I'm real sorry,
uh, Trackanon, uh...
This is... this is all my fault.
This has nothing to do
with you. You just... you really
shouldn't even be here
right now.
No!
(Mike sobbing)
(sobs)
(cheering and shouting)
He is dead!
(gunfire, cheering)
Oh! Tom!
Tom, our Joshie was the one
who killed Trackanon!
He saved the human race!
Neato.
(electric shaver whirring)
Okay, sign
right here.
And right here.
Officially divorced.
Thank you.
Here are your rings.
Oh. Okay.
You've completely
ruined my life.
(mutters)
Maggie, wait...
(sighs)
There's... someone
I want you to meet.
Uh, so, Maggie,
uh, this is Graham.
Graham, this is Maggie.
That's the-the girl
I was telling you about.
Hey.
Hi.
So, Josh tells me you're...
you're into golf.
Yeah, I am...
Yeah? Cool.
...actually.
Yeah. What's your handicap?
My handicap?
Yeah. I'm like a...
like a ten index.
MAGGIE:
Oh, wow.
(Josh sputters)
How do you feel, Josh?
Uh, honestly?
(Graham and Maggie
chatting in distance)
Like I'm finally over her...
for real this time.
(inhales deeply)
Do you guys
want to go out?
I'm not really ready
to date, bro.
You don't just get over
someone like Trackanon.
First person I'd ever
been faithful to.
Wasn't a person.
LIZ: And I... I
gotta head to work.
I think I've got a shot
at making partner,
now that all of the
partners are dead. Oh.
No, you know what?
Wait, wait, wait.
Guys, guys, guys--
no... no, no, no...
Listen, we are young,
we're single,
Trackanon is dead.
I'm sorry, but he is.
And it's Saturday night!
I... Listen... LIZ: I...
I don't know.
What's the worst
that could possibly happen?
I...
I...I just...
I... Come on, you pussies!
(laughs)
Huh?
You pussy!
That's funny.
Right?
You are what you eat.
Hey, that a boy.
(laughs)
I'm not touching you.
Okay.
No, it's-it's...
I don't actually talk like that.
Uh-huh. Oh, sure.
You know how I talk.
Anyway, the point is...
What's the point?
The night is young.
Oh, my God.
Follow the jiggling...
♪ Ting-aling-aling! ♪
I can't say no to that guy.
That is unbelievable.
♪ Tinga-linga-ling. ♪ Did
you know he could do that?
Did you teach him this?
MIKE: I do now.
Where did you get those moves?
Oh, shit. Oh, no.
Uh-oh.
(Mike singing)
Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
This is fun...
♪ I'm moving on,
I'm getting out ♪
♪ I've killed the monster ♪
♪ Passed it behind,
fate has been kind ♪
♪ I've killed the monster ♪
♪ I know it's right,
I've learned to fight ♪
♪ I've killed the monster ♪
♪ Let it be said when I am dead
I've killed the monster ♪
♪ They'll put me down ♪
♪ Throw my name around ♪
♪ But I have found
a good thing ♪
♪ Right to the end
I was my friend ♪
♪ I killed the monster ♪
♪ I almost lost,
I paid the cost... ♪