Man Seeking Woman (2015–2017): Season 1, Episode 7 - Stain - full transcript

Mike and Josh are invited to a destination wedding.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
(gunfire blasting on video game)

(knocking on door)

- Hi! Hey, hey, hey...
- Hey!

What are you guys doing here?

- We're taking you out, bro.
- That's right.

- Mm-mm.
- You're gonna come out

dancing... with us.

BOTH (in rhythm): Come dancing, with us.

Hey, I'm not going dancing with you.

I'd-I'd-I'd feel like a third wheel.

What are you talking about?

Well, it's a couples thing.

It'd be super-awkward and weird.

No. What? that's insane.
You're being insane.

Yeah. Okay...

You're not gonna spend

another Saturday playing video games.

- Hmm?
- Yeah, okay, I'll...

(sighs) I'll come for a little bit.

- Yes!
- Yeah! All right, let's go.

- Ding, ding, ding!
- All right, let's go.

Uh, guys, when you said dancing,

I really thought you meant, like, at a club

- or a bar.
- No. We meant competitive ice dancing.


LEO: Buckle up.

BRUCE DOUGLAS: Welcome back

to the Couples Invitational.

Now on the ice, the lovely Liz and Leo.

♪ ♪

And... Josh.

♪ ♪

Is it just me, or does Josh
seem like a third wheel?

OKSANA BAIUL: Yes, this is couples thing.

Josh being with them is
super-awkward and weird.

DOUGLAS: Now, why is he
pointing and waving?

What's that about?

BAIUL: He's trying to make
it seem like he sees friends.

Like he is popular guy?

DOUGLAS: That's not gonna fool the judges.

♪ ♪

BAIUL: Oh, Liz and Leo
are a match made in heaven.

DOUGLAS: Two bodies
moving perfectly as one.

Let's check back in with Josh.

Oh, dear.

BAIUL: Now he's doing that thing

where you pretend to get a text.

DOUGLAS: Yes, from this angle, you can see

that his phone is clearly turned off.

He's texting on a blank screen.

(crowd booing) And the crowd knows it.

And they're not happy, quite frankly.


BAIUL: Hmm, he should've stayed
home and masturbated himself.

DOUGLAS: I would've.

Man Seeking Woman - 01x07 Stain

MAN: Hey, Josh.


- Water.
- Oh.


Oh, (bleep), (bleep).

You got... you got water now.

Ev-Everybody's got water.

Okay, have a good one.

Oh, you, too. Do you know
when you might need me again?

We'll let you know, Jeff.

Oh, okay.


Bill, bill, junk mail,

boring-ass letters.

Dude, your mail sucks.

Oh, I just got this.

Ben and Becky's wedding invitation.

- You're going, right?
- Yeah, I don't know.

Weddings... weddings kind of stress me out.

What? Why?

Because all our friends are,
like, coupled up,

and they have terrific jobs,

and I'm single,

and... oh, God, the sun.

Uh, and I'm just a temp.

Come on, dude, you got to go.

It's Ben and Becky.

Okay, what if Maggie's there?

I'm serious, I don't think I could...

I heard she's dating
some... new banker guy.

Don't worry, they're not
gonna be there, okay?

Come on.

Just say you're in. I don't...

Say you're in.

- I don't know.
- Who's in? Who's in?

- There's little Josh's smile.
- Okay, all right.

- There's that little smile.
- Okay, I'm in, I'm in.

There you go.

When is this thing?

July 25, in hell.


July 25, it's a Saturday.

Yeah, no, the other thing.

Oh, the wedding's in hell.


- It's a destination wedding.
- Yep, come on.

Let's go shopping.

Oh, my God.

Can't believe I wasted all this
money on a lightweight suit.

Dude, we're going to hell in July.

You're gonna want something that breathes.

- Okay, one more stop.
- What? Oh, come on.

(bell dings)

Do we really have to buy swords?

Their wedding Web site
said holy weaponry suggested.

I read the Web site,
I'm just saying I'm only gonna

use it once. It's just gonna
take up space in my closet.

- Going to hell?
- Oh, my God. You know it.

Yeah, we're, uh, we're real

excited about it.
Do you have anything that is

under $40?

This one is $90. And it's

- our most basic model.
- Why's it so

- cheap?
- Well, the, uh,

blade is unengraved, the

handle is synthetic

and it's cursed.

- It's cursed?
- Yes, everyone

who's bought it has been murdered.

- You said $90? No sword for me.
- That's right.

For $90... you ain't gonna
do much better than that, bro.

Okay, well, I'm not made of $90.

- Thank you.
- What about you,

- my friend?
- Uh, ba, ba, ba,

ba, ba... Let's go pewter this time.

Pewter. The man's metal. Good choice.

Might I suggest a goatskin

- sheathe?
- Andros, you old bastard,

you know me better than I know myself.

- You got it.
- Mm.

She's a beauty.

- Definitely put this on my tab.
- Will do.

- Ka!
- Whoa, Christ... Christ Almighty.

Hey, how happy do you think
Becky is right now?

- I-I don't know...
- Over the moon, right?

- Y... Uh...
- Is that what you were gonna say?

- N... Yeah.
- That's what I'm thinking.

Okay. Hey, how you doing?

- Hey, you know how Ben proposed?
- No.

- Put it in a fortune cookie.
- Oh.

- And then he lost it.
- Oh.

- And then she found it.
- Okay.

- They're telling me the story... I lost it. (laughs)
- Oh, yeah.

- You see what I'm saying?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, this wedding's gonna
be the best. Dancing, open bar.

Open bar, there's always a tip jar.

So you end up paying anyway.

Oh, wouldn't it be amazing
if the ring was white gold?

I, uh... No, not really.

Ah. Becky's getting married
in her grandma's wedding dress.

Isn't that adorable?

No, she's probably
just trying to save money.

Oh, man, I love it when they cut the cake

and they wipe it
all over each other's faces.

You mean-You mean,
like every single wedding?

I hope they write their own vows. You know,

- to personalize 'em?
- Yeah, you're right.

'Cause getting married is so unique.

♪ Here comes the bride, do, do, do-do. ♪

Oh, for (bleep) sake. I smell wedding.


(rattling) Welcome, gentlemen.

Are you here for the wedding?

- Yes.
- The business center is on the second floor.

And here is a little gift,
courtesy of Ben and Becky.

Oh, lovely. Jordan Almonds.

Disgusting. You can have mine.

You know what, man?

I have been listening to you complain

for this entire trip.

I didn't say anything in the desert, or

the labyrinth, or the
whirling hall of knives

or the whirling hall of screams,

but enough is enough, man.

I came here to celebrate our good friends.

- If you're gonna be a crybaby, you shouldn't have come.
- No, no, you're right.

Fair-Fair enough.

I didn't realize I was being so negative.

And... (sighs) No, you're right,

This is fun, good. Exotic, uh, location.

- Yes.
- And, uh, new-new

- people. And...
- That's what I'm talking about.

It's gonna be a big party.

- There you go.
- And it's gonna be fine.

MAGGIE: Hey, guys.

- Oh, shit.
- Maggie.

- Hey.
- (laughing) Wh-What...

What are you doing here?
Thought you had some work thing.

Yeah, but I blew it off. I mean, come on,

- it's Ben and Becky, right?
- Yes.

(laughing) You look, uh, you look nice.

- Hey.
- Oh... Oh, hey, Graham, this

is Mike and Josh.

- Hey.
- Hey, Josh.

- I've heard so much about you.
- Only good,

uh, things, I hope?

- Okay.
- This is gonna be

- so fun. I love destination weddings.
- Yeah. Oh, thanks.

- Oh, guilty. (laughs)
- Huh?

- Guess what. Jordan Almonds.
- What?

We were just talking about
how everyone loves these.

- The best.
- Once you pop, you can't stop.

- (laughs)
- Every... That's Pringles. See you?

Yeah, so see you later?

- Bye.
- On the dance floor?

- Yeah. Take care.
- Nice to meet you.

- Okay, bye.
- Yup.

- He's a hunk.
- (chuckles)

(organ gently playing) MIKE: When I

saw Becky's father walk her down the aisle,

I lost it. I just... Complete waterworks.

(laughing): It was a little embarrassing.

Oh, right?

What's up, buddy?

Josh? What's...

(sighs) Dude... You know, I just... I... We

We slept together five weeks ago.

And now-And now she's with this guy?

It doesn't matter. Just let it go, man.

Just act like they're not even here.

Yup, you're right, you're right.

It's all... It's all...

It's all in your head.
It's all in my head. Okay.

We're at a wedding, okay, fine.

What-What table are we at?

Uh, look like 19.

19. Activate table 19.


- Mm-hmm, yeah.
- Yeah.

- No. No-No, we're-we're 19.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Table buddies.

- Dude. (laughs)
- Hey! Yeah!

- Okay.
- (laughing)

- Follow us. Let's go.
- Shit.

- MIKE: Thank heaven we're in hell.
- MAGGIE: We're in hell, yeah.

- I just came up with that.
- That's good.

- (all laughing)
- MAGGIE: Oh, my God.

- Okay.
- Just got two mil in seed funding.

- Is that r... That's incredible. That's amazing.
- Yeah.

- Thank you.
- Well, listen, if you ever want to go public...

- Really?
- Graham, this is not a

a business trip. Stop.

- I know, I know.
- Uh-oh,

business police.

- Tell me... Tell me about it.
- Aah!

- Always.
- Oh. (cackles)


Josh, what-what is it that you do?

I... I-I...

- I-I'm just a temp.
- Oh, yeah?

- Right on. Right on.
- Yeah, right.

I feel like we're-we're hiring
temps all the time.

- Oh, cool, congratulations.
- Are you

interested in making a move?

Uh, that's very nice of you,

but I'm content where I am. Yeah.

I'm curious. If I could ask...

how-how much are they paying you?

Yeah, it's...

- uh, standard temp rate.
- GRAHAM: Right.

Which is like... like, what?

Like, ballpark.

Um... ah, it's $13.82 an hour.

I... sorry, I can't, I can't hear you.

- $13.82 an hour.
- Oh.

Well, we-we can definitely top that.

- (laughing):
- Oh... If you want.

I mean, just send me your info
and I'll just bring you in.

- Right?
- Oh, my God...

- Check that, dude.
- Hey.

Pretty happy you came now, huh?

Ooh, they're doing it right there.

- Ah, this is the best...
- There you go.


(guests screaming)


Come on, you stupid thing!


Stupid goatskin thing.



- Ah! Ah!
- MAGGIE: Josh!

Use your sword!

- I didn't bring one!
- Why not?

Because the Web site said
it was a suggestion!

- Oh, my God.
- I'm going to eat your soul!

(snarls, yowls)

- You okay, man?
- Yeah, I'm... I'm good.

- Just breathe, man.
- Yeah, I-I know.

Deep breaths, you got this.

I'm good, I'm fine...




- (guests cheering)
- MIKE: Yeah, man!

- Uh, keeper!
- Uh, I know!

(Maggie laughs) (whoops)

♪ ♪

- ♪ Hey-ey-ey-ey-ey... ♪
- Oh!

I love this song!

- (whoops)
- Milady.

- Let's do it!
- ♪ What it is now ♪

♪ What you doing ♪
♪ Hey ♪

♪ Where you going ♪
♪ Hey ♪

♪ What you want ♪
♪ Hey ♪

- ♪ Little sister ♪
- MIKE: Joshie!

- ♪ Who's your brother ♪
- Come on over. Dance, man!

- Dance with us!
- ♪ Come on over my friend ♪

♪ Come on over ♪

♪ Come on over ♪

♪ And let's get wild now ♪

♪ Let's get wild now ♪

♪ It's my party ♪

♪ It's my party ♪

So you and that girl used to date, huh?


I noticed,

'cause there was some weirdness.

- I... I know.
- Yeah.

And now she's dating that handsome guy.

- Yeah, I'm aware.
- Yeah.

How brutal was it
when he offered you a job?

- Yep.
- And then you told him

- how much you make.
- Ooh.

Does anybody care

- that he's not dead yet?
- Oh, and then

he was like, "Oh, we can
definitely beat that."

And the way that he said "definitely..."

I mean, yikes. Humiliating, right?

I am... well, well aware.

You can tell she's into him, man.

They're gonna go home

and she is gonna rip his clothes off

- and he is gonna plow her...
- Oh, come on.

From dusk till dusk, all right?

Okay. Thank you.

Go get me a cup of coffee, temp!

(demon cackling)

♪ Whoa, baby ♪

(guests cheer, applaud)

DJ: All right.
Everybody having a good time?

Let's give it up for Ben and Becky.

♪ ♪

Hey, you... uh, do you...
you look like you want to dance.

Do you want to dance?

- Um...
- Do you want to dance? Yep? Yep?

- Sure, okay.
- Yes? Yes? Sure, great, yep.

♪ ♪

Here, here, get...

get behind me, like, like, yeah, like,

oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, this is fun.

I'm gonna get back to my friends.

- No, please, just wait.
- Bye.

No, please!


(cackling continues)

It was hands down the best opera
I've ever seen in my whole life.

- Yeah, I heard it's crazy hard to get tickets.
- Oh, yeah.

Well, the director's actually
a friend of mine, so

- he kind of hooked us up.
- Oh, honey, wait.

- Hmm? What?
- You have an eyelash. Here, wait.

- Oh.
- Make a wish.

Well, I would, but my wish
already came true.


- (Maggie laughs)
- Did you wish to be a huge piece of shit?

MIKE: Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- Relax.
- BEN: Hi!

- Hi!
- Hey...! Hey...!

- (chuckles nervously)
- Ben and Becky.

Becky, your dress is a work of art.

Is-is that French lace?

- It is.
- I knew it. Oh...

It's gorgeous.

- Sorry if it got a little hot inside that volcano.
- MAGGIE: Oh...

No, the temperature was perfect.

Is, uh, is the flower girl
going to be all right?

- Yeah, we'll find her.
- MAGGIE: Oh, good.

Graham, we're so happy to finally meet you.

We are, too.

Maggie's told us so much about you.

Oh, has she?

BECKY: How long have you two
been together, now?

- Six weeks.
- Six weeks.

- Six weeks?!
- Yeah.

Six weeks!

Very, very interesting.

MIKE: Buddy, don't do this.

- Hey...
- Don't you dare do this.

The calendar is a remarkable instrument.

- Mm-hmm.
- When you think about it.

You know, it often reveals great truths.

Oh, my God.

Riddle me this, Graham.

Graham-Graham, Golden Graham,

how-how can a girlfriend be a girlfriend

if, five weeks ago,

MIKE: Oh, my God. she was having sex

with me?


that was over two months ago.

- No, it wasn't.
- Yeah, it was.

- Screw you.
- No... no, it wasn't.

Because I distinctly remembered

that it was May 3,

and today is July...




Yeah. Shit.

You are a true asshole.

I'm-I'm not... I'm not good.

Uh, uh, uh, I think you've had enough, okay?
I think-I think I know

- when I've had enough.
- N-No, no.

Why don't you mind your own business?

- You're acting like a jackass.
- I...

- Give me the glass now.
- Mind your beeswax.

- Goddamn it!
- (Becky screams)

(guests gasping)



Yep. Yep.

Rough night, huh?


Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I was, uh...

at this wedding, and it
really didn't go well.

Weddings can be hard.

You know, it's not just the wedding.

It's everything...
my whole entire life. It...

(groans in frustration) It feels like
every single day is just a living nightmare.

(pained scream)

Sorry about that.

This guy's shoving fire ants up my butt.

(gravelly voice): There you go, ants.

- Get up her butt.
- I'm sorry.

You were saying something
about your life being bad?

Oh, it's just, I don't know what happened.

(small demon muttering)
I turned around and every

single person I knew was getting married

and starting careers, actual careers,

(pained grunting) and I'm just a temp.

And I'm single
and I just can't reconcile that

- with everything I did right.
- SMALL DEMON: Go up that butt.

I went to college, I got good grades,

I-I played by the rules, and now, what,

I'm 27 and my life is just a disaster.

Grr... ah...

- SMALL DEMON: Right up in the butt.
- (woman groaning)

Come on, come on, march, march.


Say, why-why are you... down here?

Eh, I said the earth was round.

(softly): Geez.

(distant screaming)

Yeah, I should probably...

go back there and apologize.

Hey... crazy idea.

You two want to come with?

Mm, up the butt.

Come on. It's Ben and Becky.

Hey, you know what, you
guys just go on ahead.

I'll meet you in there. Okay.

All right, do it, yeah.

- (quietly):
- Okay. (small demon muttering)

All right.

B-Ben and Becky, so sorry
for ruining the wedding.

It-it's my fault, purely my fault.

Words can't describe the...

shame I feel.

Yeah, I can stand by that.

- Hey, shithead.
- Oh, for God's sake.

Your apology's going to suck my fuzzy ass.

Could you just lay off me for 30 seconds?

(laughing): You remember
when you told Graham

how much money you make and then he said,

(Graham's voice):
oh, we can definitely top that.

(normal voice): Do you remember that?

Yes, we already covered that in there!

How did you even get here?!

Seriously, don't go in there, man, huh?

- You're not going to fix things.
- I-I...

What are you, some kind of masochist?!


♪ ♪

MIKE: Oh, yeah, Linda.

Oh, I'm in love.

Oh, Joshua!

(laughing) Ooh.

So, uh, what happened?

- What-what do you mean?
- I-I ruined...

I thought I ruined the wedding.

Dude, get over yourself, bro.

It's not about you.

(laughs) Huh.

Yeah, fair enough.

You know what, Mike?

I learned something tonight.

- I realized that...
- Shh... Nobody cares.


Hey, Mike, I learned something
today. Meh, meh, meh.

It's not 3-2-1 Contact, bro.

It's a wedding.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

BOTH: Everybody, conga!

- Oh! Grab my ass!
- Okay.

♪ ♪

Oh. Hi.

Mazel tov. Thank you for having me.

It was a lovely wedding.

Thanks, Jeff.