Man Seeking Woman (2015–2017): Season 1, Episode 6 - Gavel - full transcript

Hey, I'm Josh.
And this is, uh... Carla?

Kayla.
Right.

This is Kayla.
Hi.

Hey, man, this is, uh,
my friend Kayla.

Hey.
Hey.

And this is
my plus one, Kayla.

Hey.

This is my date, Kayla.

Hi.

(whispers):
This is Kayla.

Oh. Hi. Uh, Mom,



this is the woman
I came with, um, Kayla.

Hi.
Hi.

Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.

Uh, this is
my girlfriend, Kayla.

So, "girlfriend," huh?

Well, uh, sorry?

Well, I just,
I noticed back there

you introduced me
as your girlfriend.

(laughs):
Oh.

Yeah, so I did.

Uh... is that okay?

Yeah. I like it.
Really?

I like it, too.

I-I just, I...



I don't know, I feel like...

there's kind of
something here, and...

maybe we should, like,

go for it.
Well, are you sure

you're not gonna miss...
the single life?

(laughs)

No. No, no.
No, not at all. No.

(laughs) Um...

so I don't know,
I guess we're, like,

official now, huh?

Yeah, yeah.
From-from this day forward,

we are officially, uh,

boyfriend and girlfriend.

Yeah. (laughs)

(laughs):
Yeah! Yeah.

Okay, coming in,
coming in hot.

(chuckles)

(sighs)

Yeah. That's, uh...

What...

Uh, Kayla?

Kayla?

Uh... oh, my God,

she's having a stroke.
Hey, Kayla?

(squishing)

Ew.

Oh, man. Oh, man. Kayla?

Kayla! Kayla...!

(eerie whooshing)

Who are you guys?

We are sex aliens

from the planet Sex.

We have come
to have sex with you.

Prepare yourself for sex.

Hey, whoa, whoa.
Stop, stop, stop.

Just-just stop.

What's wrong?
What's wrong?

Well, I kind of just
started seeing someone.

Who? Her?

JOSH:
Y-Yes, her.

Listen, if you guys

had shown up literally...

yesterday--

okay, yesterday--

I'd be all over this.

But I-I am... I am...

Whoa, mama.

I am not the kind

of guy that cheats.
Please,

come have sex with us.
No. No.

Condom-less sex.

Oh, my God. No...
Please?

No, I can't. Girls,
I can't. Back off.

(aliens hissing) JOSH: Yeah, yeah.
Okay.

I'm sorry, okay?
I care... I care about this.

Okay?
We can't help it.

We find you irresistible.

You... I can't believe you guys
think I'm handsome.

We don't. We are blind.

Ah.
Our noses, though,

are extremely
well developed.

We've evolved to
smell confidence.

And there's no one
more confident

than a man
in a committed relationship.

He gives off a powerful musk.

Oh.

Please have sex with us.

Please.
It can be quick.

Quick is actually
what we prefer.

Really?
On our planet,

premature ejaculation
is the sexual ideal.

Holy...

Okay, ah, buh-buh-buh!

Back off! Back!
(hissing)

(aliens speaking alien language)

(sputters)

Okay, we respect your decision
not to cheat on Kayla.

So how about this?

Let's smoke this space joint.

Watch a movie.
And just kind of hang out.

JOSH:
Wait, uh...

which movie?

Showgirls.

Unrated version.

Aha...! Okay.

Okay, I see what
you're do... yeah, listen.

I'm not a piece of meat.

I'm a man--
with feelings and...

and a girlfriend, so tell you
what, I think you should all

just take your, uh--
(sniffs) oh, that's amazing--

You guys need to take
your-your space bras

and get back up
to space.

Okay?
Okay, fine,

we'll leave.

But we'll rub one out
to you later.

(inhaling)

Holy shit.

(electronic whirring)

(whispers):
Oh, God.

I'm so happy.
Yes.

Me, too.

Mmm...
Me, too.

Mmm...

So, okay, these girls are all
up in your nuts, and then what?

Well, then I look them
in the eyes and I said--

thank you very much--
I said, "Listen,

"I appreciate it,
it's very, very flattering,

but I-I... I can't
cheat on my girlfriend."

(laughing)

Oh, you're being serious. Yes.

Wh-What has
happened to you?

What is happening is that
for the first time since Maggie,

I found a girl that I actually
like hanging out with.

(phone chimes)
Oh.

Oh, I-I got to go.
What? I thought

we were gonna get high
and look at bugs.

No, I kind of have a bit of a
plan to surprise Kayla at work.

You bought her chocolates.

Salt-encrusted. Josh,
if you're not careful,

you're gonna end up
married to this girl.

We-we just started going out.
Does she keep

any stuff at your apartment?

Uh, no. Uh...
Don't you lie to me.

Don't lie to me!
Okay, work-work clothes

and... almond milk.

Oh. Oh, my God.

Listen, everything's golden.

Okay?

I know what I'm doing.

My plant's broke.

Aw, he'll be okay.

He just needs a little more
water and some sunshine.

Okay. Bye.
Bye.

♪ Are you ready for some chocolate?
♪ (laughs)

How's it going? Josh!
What are you doing here?

Oh, you know, I just thought,
uh, you could maybe use a, uh,

little mid-afternoon
pick-me-up.

Oh, my God, you are so sweet.

Oh, I do what I can.
Also, would you like

to have dinner
with me tonight?

I'd love that.
I was thinking

we could do quinoa
and maybe whatever else

goes with quinoa and...
mm-hmm... mm. Mm-hmm.

(sighs)

Uh...

Where-where are they taking us?

Hell if I know.

MIKE:
Listen up, punks!

You're all here
for the same reason!

You're not married! Yet!

But if you continue
down the road that you're on,

you continue to make the kinds
of choices you've been making,

you're gonna end up...

(over speakers):
in the suburbs.

MIKE:
Take a good look, ladies.

This is where you're headed!

See any sports bars or clubs
or sexy single ladies?

JOSH:
Hey, Mike?

I-I don't have time for this.

I got to go home
and cook dinner for Kayla, so...

Don't you get it?
I'm doing this for you.

MAN: Ooh! What the hell
is that guy carrying?

MIKE:
It's a Diaper Genie.

It's full of human shit.

(others groaning)
MAN: Oh, God!

Oh, my... oh...

Welcome to hell, boys!

(chuckles)

Let's go. Now. Out.

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

This looks like a nice street.

Got three-car garages
and speed bumps...

Oh, hey, look at that guy
grilling hamburgers!

Do those look like
burgers to you?

JOSH: What the hell
is on that grill?

MIKE:
Portobello mushrooms.

Yeah, Portobello
mushrooms

would be pretty
good with quinoa.

MIKE:
Okay!

It's time to introduce you
to a special speaker.

His name is
Daniel Schultz

and he's been married
for 11 years.

I suggest you listen carefully
to what he has to say.

I brought you
some fresh meat.

Hi, guys.
My name is Daniel.

I'm 39 years old,
and I'm serving a life sentence

to my wife, without
the possibility of parole.

(quiet, melancholy music plays)

You know, when I met Amy,
she was fun!

She... chugged beer
faster than me.

She loved cocaine.

Do it whenever it was around.

A month ago,

she caught me smoking
a cigarette right there

on the porch,
and she started to cry.

She made me promise

to start taking my health
more seriously.

Yeah. So I started
doing Pilates.

I do this thing,
and then I do this thing!

I got my Lululemons
pulled up to here!

With my useless penis

sitting in the middle,
looking like a little b...

How are you?

How's it going?

Did you call Deb
about that thing?

Next on my list.

Next thing on my list.

'Kay.

Yeah.

(phone chimes)

What the hell is that?

Sounded like a text.
Oh, yeah?

You got a text?
Yeah.

Let's see
what it says.

"Five...

"five little kisses

for your cute little baby face."
Five kisses?

Oh, 'cause we got eight...
eight guys here.

I don't know if that's enough
kisses for everyone.

Who's gonna suck my dick?

U-Understood.
All right?

MIKE: He's the one
I was telling you about.

He's only 27, and already
in a serious relationship.

No, we just kind of
started seeing each other, so...

Oh, first you're
just going out,

then all of a sudden
she's got almond milk

and work clothes at your place.

Next thing you know,
ding-dong, ding-dong!

You're married,
you're pregnant! Gravestone.

(dramatic music plays)

Listen, I mean,
you're a great girl.

I just, I don't think
it's working out.

It's not you. I mean,
everything's so crazy

with my band right now...
Uh-huh. Yeah.

I-I mean, maybe we can try,
like, an open relationship.

Uh... Becca?

You there?

JOSH: Uh, hi, Kayla.
So, I've been doing

a lot of thinking about, uh, us,

and I just needed to say that...

I like you a lot.

And also, what do you think
about Portobello mushrooms

for dinner?
They do go with quinoa!

Exactly what I was thinking.
So eight-ish?

(hoarsely):
We've lost him.

Quinoa.

Quinoa.

(thunder rumbling softly)

(sizzling)

(knocking on door)

M... M-Maggie.

Hey.

I'm sorry for
barging in like this.

I just, um...

I really need a friend
right now.

Can I come in?

Well, yeah. Of course.
Yeah. C-Come on in.

Thanks. (crying)
Whoa. Whoa.

(crying continues)

(thunder rumbling softly)

Hi. Hi, uh, Kayla.
I think... I think...

I think I need to postpone.

Um, I'm feeling kind of tired,
all of a sudden, like I...

like I might be coming down
with something.

You don't have to cook
if it's a hassle.

We could just do takeout.

W-Would it be okay
if we just try tomorrow?

Yeah. Get some rest,
and I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay. Thank you so much.
That's-that's lovely.

I'll see you...
I'll see you then.

(toilet flushes)

And I told him,
"If you don't appreciate me,

I don't think
I can do this anymore."

Wh-Which... I mean, I think
you did the right thing.

Yeah? It's none of my business,

but you don't deserve to
be treated like that.

I don't.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry

for unloading on you like this.
I just...

You know, nobody knows me
like you do, so...

(thunder rumbling)

(food sizzling)

Are you cooking something?

Oh, crap. Yes, I am, too.
Really?

That would be... You're
smelling portobello mushrooms,

uh, and quinoa.

Really? Well, I'm
full of surprises.

Would you... would
you like some?

Um... can I?

Yeah. Yeah.
Is... Yeah?

No, there's enough, uh...
there's enough for two people.

(chuckles):
Yes!

(gavel banging)
Okay, just...

uh, will you just give me a few moments?
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

I need to...

(sighs)

(thunder rumbling)

They're ready for you inside,
Mr. Greenberg.

Okay.

Mr. Greenberg, you stand accused
of boyfriend misconduct.

How do you plead?
Not-not guilty,

Your Honor.
(gasping)

The fact is, all right,

I postponed dinner
with Kayla.

But, uh,
where's the crime in that?

Does a boyfriend not have the
right to... rearrange a date?

Son, that's not

what's at issue here.
You are here today

because you lied to her.

Up, bup, bup, bup,
bup, bup, bup!

Webster's Dictionary,

which I'm sure
you're familiar with--

I'm sure all these good
people, familiar with it--

defines a lie thusly,
as a falsehood, an untruth.

All I did was kind
of alter plans.

No lies were uttered.

Thank you for the vocabulary
lesson, Mr. Greenberg.

What about when you said--
and I quote--

"I am feeling kind of tired."

I was feeling kind of tired.

Maybe.

But that's not
why you canceled dinner.

You canceled because
your ex-girlfriend showed up...

Well, now, listen, Your Honor,
we-we can split hairs all day,

jibber-jabber
back and forth

until we're as mixed up as a...

as a one-legged man
at a hoedown!

(laughter)

Why is that funny?
But the fact is

I have committed no offense,

and I defy this court
to prove otherwise!

Aw, screw it. All right,
the court finds in Josh's favor.

I knew it! Thank you.

Do not give him high fives.
Do not!

Indicate high fives. Multiple.

And then that guy was
all like, Mm-hmm.

"Uh, reservation?
What reservation?"

(laughs)
So creepy.

Yeah... yeah.
So scary.

Remember how gross that pool was?
Oh, my God.

Somehow didn't dissuade
the-the two of us dumb-asses

from swimming in it.
(laughs)

Not just swimming in it.

(gavel banging)

I'll... be right back.

I mean, how many times are we
gonna do this? Your Honor...

I am completely innocent.

Oh, please.
She referenced sex

and then she touched
you on the hand. Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't...
(stammers)

Are friends not allowed
to touch each other's hands?

I didn't realize that.

Of course they are.
Wh-What's next?

No more high fives? A ban on
fist bumps, perhaps, eh?

(laughter) All right.
What about the wine?

Explain that.
Aha!

Webster's Dictionary

defines wine as "the fermented
juice of grapes used especially

as a bev..." I'm sorry. I
didn't mean explain wine.

We know what wine is.
(groans)

There's a precedent
for grown-ups sharing a bottle

of wine at dinner.
Oh, really?

Mm-hmm. But when's
the last time

that you and Mike shared
a bottle of wine?

Shared a bottle of wine
and touched each other's hands?

Listen, we-we can... we
can jibber-jabber all day...

"Jibber-jabber" a second time.
...back and forth

until we're as
mixed up as a-a...

three-legged horse at a rodeo.

(woman chuckles, man coughs)

One lady.

Thank you, ma'am.

Uh, but the-the
fact remains,

I have done nothing wrong.

(sighs)
Goddamn it.

All right, my hands are tied.

Due to a lack
of hard evidence,

this court is forced to rule
in Josh's favor.

No one high-five him.

Thank you. She did.
JUDGE: Oh...

Susan.

(yawning)

Hey. Oh.

I am so tired.

Yeah.

Oh. Yeah, I guess...
I guess it's late.

It is late.

I should probably go.

Or-or-or...

or... we-we, uh...

could watch something.

Like what?

We never finished Carnivàle.

(gavel banging)

I know, I know.

People watch shows together
all the time, man.

But come on, man.
I mean, she was about to leave.

She was out the door, and you suggested
something that would keep her there.

That's, for me,
when it became a date.

A-a date? Specifically a date?

Yes.
Because...

the dictionary might disagree.

(groaning)
Oh, God, the dictionary...!

Oh, (bleep) off.

Webster's defines a date
as a romantic outing, okay?

So did we go... did we go out?
No. No. No.

Did we kiss? Maybe not. But,
come on, you're on the couch,

you're watching Carnivàle.
Listen,

I am not the kind of guy who cheats.
Well...

The point is we can
jibber-jabber back and forth...

"Jibber-jabber" a third time.
Okay? Until we're

as mixed up as a-a...

Here it comes...
two-horned!

...as a two-horned, uh....
Asian.

Asian, um...
Careful.

You son of a bitch.
Trapped.

Okay.

All right.
I used to be a prosecutor.

The point is what
I'm trying to say is

technically...
I haven't done anything wrong.

Well, technically, no, you haven't.
Aha!

Technically, no, I haven't.

You said technically I
haven't done anything wrong.

That means... that means I win.

Remember this day.

The day that blind Lady Justice
took her own life.

It is with great shame

and utter disgust...

that this court is forced
to rule in Josh's favor.

Thanks, man.

"Thanks, man"?

Don't type that. What are...

Goddamn it.

MAN: The moment you put on that
red nose and threw in your lot

with the strongman
and the dog boy....

Yeah. It's a pretty good...
pretty good episode

of Carnivàle.

MAN: You cannot stop
the cyclone's swirl

or the dog boy's dog boy dance.

The great orb spins despite
Um...

the will of man, and now the
dust has settled on the choices

thou hath wrought.

For this
is no carnival, my friend.

This is Carnivàle!
(gavel banging)

(gavel continues banging)

We're ready.

Josh?

Think he went to the bedroom
with her?

Oh... Told you!

(phone vibrating)

(quietly):
Hi. Hi.

KAYLA:
Hi. How are you feeling?

Uh, uh, uh, better.

Good. Good. Uh, so do you want
to do dinner tonight?

Uh... Listen,
you're a terrific girl

and I really, uh, enjoy your
company and I'm really sorry

about this, but I don't think
we can keep hanging out.

So we should probably not
have dinner.

This is abrupt. Yeah.
Yep.

I know. I'm sorry.

Okay, bye.
Okay, bye-bye.

(sighs heavily)

Frittatas.

♪ ♪

(sizzling)

Hey...

Hey.

I'm so hungover.
Oh, okay.

Well, tell you what,
your best, uh, remedy

is my delicious frittatas.

Mm-mm. Josh...

last night was a mistake.

Um...

(stammers)
Okay.

Let's just pretend
like it never happened, okay?

Okay, so...
Um, yeah.

We-we finished
Carnivàle last night.

Hmm?

We finally finished the last
two episodes of Carnivàle.

I don't remember.

Oh. What...

what are you...
What is that?

Uh, no, I was trying
to shake your hand.

Okay.

Bye.
Okay.

Uh, wh... uh...

(door opens, closes)

(sighs)

(knocking on door)

I just came to get my things.

Just saw Maggie on the stairs.
Uh...

I-I'm so sorry. I...

It was an accident.
I was drunk. She-she...

she-she took advant...
look, I'm-I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
(groans)

You suck.

I-I know.

You suck.

(door closes)

Uh...
(gavel banging)

♪ Wa-ooh ♪

♪ Well, I know a guy
who can't be beat ♪

♪ He's so good-looking,
knocks me off my feet ♪

♪ And when he smiles,
I don't know what to do ♪

♪ I just love him,
he's my dream come true ♪

♪ Sugar daddy ♪

♪ He's so fine ♪

♪ Sugar daddy ♪

♪ I want to make him mine ♪

♪ Sugar daddy ♪

♪ I love him all the time ♪

♪ Sugar, sugar daddy ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah. ♪