Man Like Mobeen (2017–…): Season 4, Episode 4 - Episode #4.4 - full transcript

This programme contains
very strong language

La Campanella in G-Sharp
Minor by Lang Lang

Oh... Just let me
think, Nathaniel.

We're going to die, Harper.
You're not going to die.

OK, we might die.

Mmm. Mmm.

All right, good baby? Mmm...

♪ I am a baby... ♪

What did you do to me?
What did you do to me?

Whoa, whoa, what is it?

This is really bad. What's
bad? They're-they're-they're...



They're rioting. What the fuck?
What? Rioting. Who's writing?

They are rioting. Rioting! I
thought you said fucking writing!

Hey, hey, hey!

You listen to me.

All you have to do is
radio the other guards.

Radio 'em now. No? Why?

Me and Harper are the guards.

Oh! The only guards?

Only two.

Focus. Focus. We can
do this together.

OK, focus. Who is in danger right
now? Who is in immediate danger?

Me. Not you, you selfish lun.

Harper. Yeah, Nate.
My Nate is in danger.

Right. I need you all
to get all the meds



and the other addictive jelly
tots. Bring them to moi.

Can we keep some for ourselves?
You know what? It's a celebration.

You enjoy yourself, my
funny little crackhead.

Thanks, Megalamummy.

Research has shown
that many doctors

fantasise about
killing their patients.

Doctor, are you there, over?

Officer Sajid, I've warned you.

If you ask if you can brush my hair
again, I'll be forced to report you.

No, no, no.

Piss off, over.

What the hell is wrong with you?
Trying to brush girls' hair at work.

Shut up!

Nida, Nida, it's Mobeen. Mobeen?
What the hell is going on?

There's a riot kicking off down
here. OK, Mega's got Sajid's keys

and he's letting all of the
men out. Shit. And also...

..I think Saj tried to kiss
me whilst I was asleep.

All right, shut the fuck up!
You did. Lies, lies, lies!

Your lips were on
me. Lies, lies!

Listen to me. You've got to
get the brother off the ward

because they'll be coming for the
meds. I can't move Chippy on my own.

You're not going to
have to. I'm coming.

I promise you. OK,
thank you, Mobeen.

Over. You're such a geek. Fuck
off. You're such a geek. My go!

OK, everyone who can get up, we've
got to move. Now. Now, now, now.

This is bad, really bad.

Oh, where you going? Memory
Stick need my help. I must leave.

Huh? Smell piss in here.
It's your piss, Bear Grylls.

Mr Bear Gryll would not baste
his face in this manner,

you stupid bastard.

What? I will be back.

All right, Arnie.

Them men ain't going to
fuck with you, blud. OK.

I hate you.

Don't. If Father Christmas
was from Pakistan, yeah?

You'd be his main elf.
Shut the fuck up, OK?

Here's the plan. Oh,
plan, yes, yes, plan.

I'm going to go sound the
alarm for the Tornado Team.

And how long till they
get here? Max 24 minutes.

They're called Tornado Team for a
reason. Why are they called that?

These lot are the SAS of
the prison rescue service.

Elite squadron. They will
spin your little bund.

Enough about strong men entering my bund. I'm going
to leave here, I'm going to get Chippy and Nida.

I'm going to go get Harper and Nate. And then we're
all going to meet back in the chaplaincy. Plan. Saj?

What? I promise you,
I'll keep Chippy safe.

Pinky promise.

Promise them people ain't
going to enter my bund, please.

Whatever's about to take
place out there... Yeah.

..I believe in you. All I
needed was your validation, bro.

You'll always be my...

Piss off! You look adorable,
though, look at you. No.

In year seven, I should've just
ignored those stupid eyes of his.

We need to get out
of here, Nathaniel.

This is that day, those big
brown, camel like eyes have got us

in more trouble than a
Pakistani soap opera.

So much drama in them. And every
mother-in-law's of the devil.

I don't get it. Will you shut
up? Oh. We need to stay focused,

all right? There's a prison riot
out there. Oh, yeah, fair point.

We need to get you out of here.
Once everyone knows you're about,

it's going to be
pulled pork for dinner.

I thought most of this
lot only do halal.

Oh, they'll make an exception
for you, just like all the other

haram-related activities
that got them in here.

We need to find a
safe space. The ward.

They'll be heading there
for the gear. Shit, yes.

The gym. Heavy metal that can be
used to cave my head in. No, thanks.

Yeah, we don't want that.

Then there's only
one place to go.

Way ahead of ya.

We are thinking of
the same place, right?

Move, bastard.

Why does it feel like
you've done that 100 times?

I have crawled through
63 holes in my life.

64 if you include birth.

Why are we here? Safest space.

Who are you? I mean,
who are you... really?

I'm the Batman.

Just joking.

Batman is too white.
Almost racistly white.

Oh, my God, yeah. He
inherited all this wealth.

He is racistly white.

Blades. That's a
superhero, you idiot.

I'll have to scan each one of you
out into the yard individually,

so go slow and wait for me.

Right, we can't wait any
longer, I've got to get you out.

Oh, I'm fucked up. I can't
even taste or smell anymore.

Uh, that might be Covid. I knew
that old fart next to me had it.

I'm defo dead. Tell
my mum I love her.

Relax. You've had it,
like, seven times. Look,

I need to get you out of here quick.
They're on their way and they're

going to raid the shit out of
this place. Do you understand?

Yeah, it's been a good run.
Tell the streets I died a king!

King, a little
overdramatic, blud.

Ha-ha.

OK, Agent James Bond.

Whoa!

What the fuck? Where did you
come from, Mobeen? The vent.

Shady taught me about them, man.

He said it reminds him of the
birth canal. You... fuck, fuck.

Shut up, would you? Shut
up. You came for Chippy?

I did come for Chippy, yeah.

But I also came for you. But I
know you don't need my help, man,

cos you doing your ting and
you don't need me, so...

Mobeen, you're good people.

You better not kiss
over my dead corpse.

Oh, fucking shut up!

This ain't Love Island, blud.

Love Island, yeah?
When I get outta here,

I'm taking your
mum to Love Island.

The way I fell on you, I'm going
to fall on your mum, with consent.

Sex on Love... How
do you want me now?

Get the fuck out. Out, out.

OK, three... Two. One.

Oh, are we going in at one or
after one? Well, one's in the past.

We go now. Three... No
more fucking countdowns.

I don't understand
what's happening anymore.

Oh.

I'm here to save you, brothers.

Saj, are you shrinking?
Are those Hammer pants?

Those are a trip hazard in
these current circumstances.

Shut the fuck up. We need to
sound the alarm so let's go!

♪ Tonight's the night
I get in some shit... ♪

Wow. So you were waiting there.
You had the rifle set up.

What happened next? I
just shoot them all.

You just gotta shoot 'em. Yeah. You
just got to shoot every single one.

Bam, bam, bam. Yeah, you just
have to do what you have to do.

Oh, my God, that's so cool.

You've got this amazing energy.

I'm just kind of vibing
off it right now.

Mmm.

Does Mobeen know that you were
leader of Special Ops in Karachi?

No, he think I'm Head
of Recruitment at KPMG.

Right, yeah. Easy to
get those two mixed up.

Don't tell him about it. I like
it when he think I'm a weirdo man.

I just want to look out for him.

His father was a good man.

My best friend.

Your secret's safe with me.

You still need to give that
memory stick to Mobeen tonight.

How do you know about the
memory stick? I know everything.

Give it to him so he can
finish the big bastard con.

Oh, the alarm's in there.

But those fuckers are in the
officer's box. I'll be right back.

Protect Ya Neck by Wu-Tang Clan

Fuck. Tornado incoming! Go, go!

You are heavy for a skinny guy.
Mobeen's doing nothing here.

I can see. My back is still hurting
from falling through that vent.

Your back? I need to see
a chiropractor right now.

Come here, come here, come here,
lie here, lie here. Get in there.

Fuck. That was hard.
That was hard, man.

Listen to me. Are you
sure that's everybody?

Yeah, that's everyone. That
alarm is blaring off right now,

which means Tornado Team
will be here quick time.

Are you sure the man dem
can't get out here? 100%.

They need my key card
to get through here

and they need it
to exit the prison.

Man, I want to get
outta here so bad.

You know, just a couple
of years ago, yeah,

I would've got your key
card, ding, fuck of...

Yeah? What's stopping you?

I need to get back
to my boys, man.

It is what it is.
Look after Saj.

Of course.

Give me your jacket. You've
got bear fat to keep you warm.

I need to get back
into the infirmary.

These lot need their meds.
What? That's a madness.

I'll be fine, and if
not, it's what it is.

Huh? Bismillah!

No gas, you were like some little
Jason Statham shit back there.

I never thought I'd
see the day, Sajid,

but that was very impressive
indeed. Come on, fellas, you know

I be out here fucking up
mans left, right and centre.

After school, I used to go home
and spar on the pads with my mum.

I got so good that she
had to have me arrested.

I knocked out my neighbour's cat
and she ended up in the tree.

I spent two years training
with Shaolin monks.

They wanted to make
me elite grandmaster.

Do you understand what
that means? What's up?

Oh, shit.

Well, well, well.

Little Sajaloo.

What do you say, boys?

How about a little
barbecued piggy for dinner?

Come back here! I've been
waiting for a long time!

Come on, boys. Fuck, Nate,
get into the chaplaincy.

Who is it?

It's me, bastard.

If you call me bastard again,
I will punch your tits off.

Sorry, Uncle. Shady,
are the boys here?

Only Memory Stick.

Who's that? Chaplaincy's
round the corner!

Ah, shit, that must be them.

Uncle, there's a lot of
very angry men coming.

Don't worry. When
they come, we spray.

Huh? What you going to
do? Foam them to death.

I'll kill them with
tear gas. Very danger.

Hi, hi, very danger. They're right
behind us. Nate, Harper, Saj!

Boys, boys.

Agh, my eyes!

Whoa!

Get back, get back.

Run, run, run, run.

Woo, hey, did you see that?

Let me tell ya, oh...

Oh, that was good cardiovascular,
my bros. Yes or no? Am I right?

Hey, good thing it
wasn't you, Mobeen.

You'd have died after
the first 12 steps.

Come on!

Colin. This feels good. What?

Would you like me to push you out
of the door? No, don't. I'm just...

Are you sure? I'm trying to find my way into
the group and... You're weird, bro. Who are you?

Hey, hey. Count to
ten, count to ten.

Brothers, good vibes in
here. Good vibes, the only.

In that case, I think you might
be needing the memory stick.

Yes, please. Please, sir, show us
the motherfucking memory stick.

I've hidden it somewhere that
no-one would ever look, mmm.

Oh!

Don't you have to do... Where else
was he going to hide it? Come on.

Ah! Got you guys.

No, there's no way I'd
do that. Not with my IBS.

It's in my sock.

Ta-da!

It's the memory stick. Yeah.

That's it. That's it.
My brothers. That's it.

It's all over. You did
it, baby. Bring it on in.

Finally, man.

Khan is going to pay for
what he's done to all of us.

But in the right way.

And he's going to pay
for what he did to Eight.

Yeah, that's right. Mm-hm.
It's time to celebrate.

You know how we celebrate?

Oh, oh.

Oh, oh!

Can I give you a...?
Come here, you.

Mobeen! Mobeen!

Nida?

Open up, Mobeen. Poor thing's
getting messy out here.

Just me and the doc
coming in. Open up.

Mega, if you do anything to her!

Sh... Enough of that.

Open this door.

Mega, come on, mate, you
don't have to do it like this.

Close the door.

Mobeen, this has been fun.

What are you doing?
Business is business.

I need that memory stick.

I loved you.

Shut your fucking mouth.

What would you do
for your family?

Cos me, I'd do
anything for my dad.

Her dad? Who's her dad?

I'm not her dad, am I?

Oh, God, no, no,
no. Her dad is...

Khan. Bingo.

Is that your dad, yeah?

Then you should tell your
Abu he's a dead man walking.

Big man, don't make me laugh.

I mean, in a different world

we could've been friends.

Come on, now. You
know how it is.

Family's family.

And one more
thing. Your sister?

Shit doctor.

Come on.

Say that again. Come
here and say that again!

This is what happens
to heroes, brother.

Hero by Michael Kiwanuka

♪ I won't change my name

♪ No matter what they call me

♪ I lost my only friend

♪ And I'll grieve
you till the end... ♪

Tornado Team, incoming.

Step back!

Step back! Step back!

Mobeen. Mobeen, stay with us.

♪ To die a hero

♪ Is all that we know now. ♪

Mm-hm. Mm-hm, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Look, just... Just stop
speaking for a fucking minute!

Why have you invested in crypto?

Nobody's fucking investing
in crypto, you dickhead.

I'll call you later. Yes?

Excellent.

I have very high
hopes for this one.

Her brother and I
are old friends.

Sweet Dreams By Eurythmics

♪ Sweet dreams are made of this

♪ Who am I to disagree?

♪ I travel the world
and the seven seas

♪ Everybody's
looking for something

♪ Some of them want to use you

♪ Some of them want
to get used by you

♪ Some of them want to abuse you

♪ Some of them want
to be abused... ♪