Man Like Mobeen (2017–…): Season 4, Episode 3 - For the Many, Not the Few - full transcript
This programme contains discriminatory
language and very strong language
Mega's gonna kill you.
No matter what happens,
you gotta stay in this cell.
I have to stay in this cell!
You gotta stay in this
cell. I have to stay in...!
The only way to stay safe is stay in
this cell. Are you gonna look after me?
Yeah. Aww! You're
leaving the cell.
Oh... my God.
Ahhh!
Pathetic.
And that's when I knew every
choice has consequences...
Oh, Mega, are you
good, my brother?
I will be, when I get
my hands on Mobeen.
But he never leaves his cell.
You've gotta get him to
leave his cell, Chippy.
I'm running outta favours, Mega.
You run outta favours when
I SAY you run outta favours.
This fucking toenail...
Excuse me for a minute, Chippy.
That's how you deal with
irritating little bastards.
You get them out.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Get Mobeen out of his
cell and bring him to me.
You see this game you're
playing, yeah? It's putting me
in mortal danger. You
love the madness, Moonpig.
I do not.
There's a one-in-six chance
of you actually dying,
and they're pretty good
odds. Listen to me, eh?
I'm not some plump
yet fat, sexy stallion
whose life you're
betting on, OK?
If something happens
to me, then you,
you've got the blood of a
brown man on your hands.
Yeah, it won't be
the first time.
Relax. You're with an
officer. You'll be fine.
Every time I come out
here, you facilitate me
getting spanked within an
inch of my life every day.
"Yeah, Mobeen, you
love it, tssh!"
You're giving me tingles.
Uh-uh.
Look, just make sure you have a
nice little chat with Memory Stick,
so we can get to
calm, all right?
What the fuck am I supposed
to talk to him about -
Avril Lavigne? You what?
Yeah, that's what Shady
says he's into, man.
Shady's a mad lad.
Ey, he's a mad lad,
but he's MY mad lad.
I love Asian uncles and aunties.
All of 'em?
Even the Tory ones?
Are they even Asian? Yes! Good.
That's what I was thinking as well.
I think they're like the bad
guys at the end of Scooby-Doo.
They just grab them
brown masks and...
"Send them all to Rwanda."
And reveal the many
faces of Satan.
Harsh...
..on Satan...
I really like you. Did
I ever tell you that?
Memory Stick's last
check-up's our last chance.
We get him to cooperate
now, everything's pattered.
Hello, Doc. I need a few
minutes with Colin Bigginson.
He's had his last check-up,
and Officer Sajid personally
escorted him back to his cell.
Bloody Sajid. I'll throttle
the little pillock.
I can still do Mobeen, if
you just give us some space.
Take a seat, Mobeen. Thank you.
How is the eye getting
on? Look up for me.
OK. Watch out for his breath.
It once made a cat faint.
That's a unique bedside manner,
but I like it.
Why are you here? I told
you I don't want you here.
I won't be here long. Why?
Nida's got me a
PROPER placement.
Tell him where it is.
Sharjah in the UAE.
Are you joking? You got her...
Sharjah!
Come on!
I can't believe
it. When do you go?
Tonight. Huh?
Someone got Covid and dropped
out last minute, so I'm in.
Nah, please don't go.
Hello, haramzada.
Uncle! What are you doing here?
Prison chaplain gives the
last rite to a dying man.
Oh. He can bet he's not
getting any more sicker.
Did you kill him?
What are you doing here -
breast reduction surgery?
Breast reduction...?! Excuse me.
I'm just getting
checked out by Doctor...
..checked UP by
Doctor Nida medically.
It's all professional, yeah.
Kinky boy.
Aqsa, if you're going to UAE,
I have one piece of advice.
Yeah?
Go and visit Hajar
Mountain caves.
Huh? They are very beautiful,
very dark and bad.
You must sleep in them.
Don't sleep in THEM.
Sleeping in caves never
did me any harm, bastard.
Mobeen...
Moonbeam!
Oi, he's asleep!
Just like I was
until you barged in.
Bastard. Where is he?
Mega's gonna batter
him any second.
Yeah, man, come on.
ARGGH! Agh!
Hold it! What the fuck
are you doing here?
Are you all right?
Look, dahl.
Oh, dahl!
You scared the
shit outta me, man.
I just wanted to say thank you
for sorting Aqsa's placement.
Please may I sit down?
Yeah, yeah.
How did you make this?
Oh, it was the lads in the
canteen. I got them to make it.
And how did you get in here?
The door was open.
Mm, I'm pretty sure
the door was locked.
I definitely didn't break in.
Look, this is
really nice, but...
Is this Pot Noodle in here?
Yeah, a bit.
Listen, I don't know how
to break this down to you,
but it would be unprofessional
for me to eat this pot...
..dahl.
I'm sorry. I'll just go.
Nah, nah, thank you.
Ooh.
How does it tastes?
That tastes like...
Whew.
Obviously, this hasn't
quite worked out, has it?
But... in the real world,
out there,
I would take you to get the
best dahl on planet Earth, yeah?
There's this place
called Raja's Nicy Spicy.
I've heard. What?!
I actually wanna go there.
Yeah, well, I've just technically
offered to take you there.
I'm out soon, so, I mean, maybe?
When I'm out?
As friends?
Do you know what? Mm?
As a friend,
I'd be down with that.
OK.
Cool.
Well, well, well.
Turns out someone
CAN leave their cell.
Swear down.
Man like Mobeen.
Curry - you want some of this?
We need to get that info
out of Memory Stick's head
and into my hands.
Listen, if I see one more
scatter cushion in here,
there'll be trouble. Boss.
Mobeen...
..Nathaniel...
..I need you your help.
Nay, nay, nay, Governor.
You are not looking at our
lulis in the shower again.
It's not that.
It's Jamal.
He's in a bad way.
Jamal's a good brother.
What's happened?
He's refusing to leave his cell, and
he's threatening to hurt himself.
His wife says she's gonna
stop him seeing the kids.
So, what we need is a really
brilliant trained listener
to go into his cell.
Somebody at the top of their
game. The best we've got.
And I'm looking at you, Mobeen.
Will you get on with
it? Cos he needs you.
What's up?
The thing is, if you spend
time sorting out Jamal,
you can't get to
Memory Stick, can ya?
We are so close to getting Khan,
and if you run into Mega,
he's gonna fuck you up.
Forget about Mega for a
minute. Jamal needs help.
He needs OUR help.
You're willing to put your neck
on the line for any old inmate,
when you know Mega's out
there waiting for ya?
It's not any old inmate.
He's a good brother,
and he needs my help.
Don't look at me like that.
Mobeen, good luck, yeah?
All the best, yeah?
Good luck, bro.
You've got this, Mobeen.
Jamal needs you.
Yo.
No, no, no!
Mega, stop, bro.
I beg your pardon, Chips?
It's not about you and him.
It's about Jamal.
Very honourable.
But I don't give a shit.
Well, I give a shit.
Oh, listen, little man.
No, you listen to me,
you big, useless dosser.
Ooh.
You will get back to
your cell immediately.
Sorry, you must be
out of your f...
Shut your mouth.
I run this wing.
You know what they
say, don't ya, huh?
The bigger the lad,
the smaller the brain.
He's gonna fist your bunda
into another universe.
Go back to cell now.
Yeah, you go...
Fee-fi-fo-fum,
look at me,
I'm a big, hairy lun.
You're gonna be sorry for this
little show you just put on.
Yeah? Back to your cell.
You're boring, mate.
Thank you, Sajid, thank you.
Look at me.
Thank you. Thank you.
Hey, Mobeen, come on.
He's gone. He's gone.
Oh, my God, will
you leave me alone?!
I don't wanna talk to you, OK?
You are an insufferable,
incorrigible piece of shit.
You're obsessed with me. Colin!
Not now.
Oh, yes, JJ.
Give us a minute, my bro, yeah?
Yo, salaam, Jamal.
Go away, Mobes. I don't want a
lecture from you. Come on, man.
At least give your
boy salaam. Come on.
My bad. Salaam.
Salaam. There you are.
Jamal, I got something
serious to tell you.
Harry Maguire is shit.
Did you see man at the weekend?!
He's a dead baller, bro.
When his mum gave birth to him, she
gave birth to one human own goal.
How do you think
that makes man feel
when he sees that
stuff on social media?
You're behaving like one
insensitive dickhead.
How you really feeling, bro?
My missus says I can't
see my kids anymore.
How would YOU feel?
I ain't ever met your kids.
Are you dumb?
How would you feel if
it was your sister?
That could never
happen. Come on, bro.
Well, it's happened to me.
Without my kids...
..I don't wanna be here anymore.
J, look, you know
where we're from.
OK, with these things,
we just have to man up.
This is why man
don't say anything.
I'm over here talking about
wanting to kill myself,
and you're telling me to man up.
It didn't work.
Now what?
Huh?
Where is Mobeen?
Oh, he's helping Jamal
at the moment, Uncle.
This is MY job to help people.
I get paid overtime for this.
Just leave him to it,
yeah? He's a good lad.
He knows what he's doing.
No, I will remove him
and send him back.
I want my overtime money.
No, you stay in the cell.
Nate, can you keep an
eye on him, please?
Back in a bit.
Ginseng?
Jamal...
I can imagine how you feel.
Can you?
Can you imagine wanting
to do yourself in?
No.
No, I can't.
I can.
There are lots of people
who wanna kill Moonbeam.
One of them's even in this nick.
But doing himself in - never.
Can you two say Mashallah?
Because you're putting a
lot on me at the moment.
Mashallah. Mashallah.
Thank you.
You know, the first time
I thought about it...
..I made a right
fucking mess of it.
You can close your
mouth, Moonbeam.
It's a long journey, brother.
There are a lot more people
on it than you think.
You're not alone.
You should be the listener.
Nah, mate.
I'm just as bad as
dickhead over here.
I just know how
to talk about it.
And a lotta people don't.
But you know where
I am if you need me.
Safe, bro.
Now feel like a
good time to hug?
Piss off. Do one.
Safe, gents.
Bravo.
Oh, leave off, will ya?
No.
I heard everything.
You're not a complete
cretin, are you?
I know what you're after.
I'll give you the information
you want about Khan.
What?! What?
The financial records,
the business details,
the list of bent coppers.
Why? Not why - yes!
Thank you. What are
you asking why for?
Look, I can't keep
living like this.
I'm gonna end up like Jamal.
You're a good dude.
Really?
He's not an incel. What?
He thought maybe you were an
incel, and I said you weren't.
Incel?! That's a weird
thing for you to say.
But seriously, this
means you can finally get
justice for your friend, Eight.
How do you know Eight?
I went to uni with
his older brother.
Me and Nine were pretty close.
You must've gone to Cambridge
with him. I did, yeah.
We met punting down the Cam.
I don't know what he means.
What does he mean? I don't know.
OK, listen...
Just bring it in for a
second, lads, yeah? So...
..how do we get the information out
of this incredible brain of yours...
..and into your hands? Like,
have you got a recording device?
I've got some gear. So, I've got,
like, full body suit, balaclava.
I can meet you in the showers.
No, I was just thinking I'd drop off
the memory stick at your cell later.
How do you mean, drop the mem...?
You're gonna drop yourself
to the cell, and then when you get to the
cell... You're gonna drop yourself to the cell.
I haven't memorised all that. You
think I've memorised all that infor...?
No, it's all on a memory stick.
Not in your head? It's not in
my head. It's not in his head!
Of course. Oh, yeah. That's
like something from a shit film.
Shit film!
The shittest film! What kinda
idiot woulda thought it?
I don't know what kind of idiot
would've thought that! I don't know.
He thought it. Did you think
that? No, he did. Stupid. Stupid!
Just, he's called Memory Stick.
Don't do that again.
But, no, listen. Hey...
You don't know what this means
to ALL of us. Look at me.
What you're doing is
fucking legendary, mate.
Really? Oh!
Aw, special, special.
OK, you know where the
cell is. I do, yeah.
And if we could just bring it
in as well. Oh, oh, that's,
you've done that. I thought it was
just you, me, and him, we could
just kinda hug it out
now. OK. Bless you.
Thanks, Colin. Assalaamu Alaikum,
my brother. Nice to meet you.
See you. Peace be upon
you. Yeah. Hey, Mobeen?
Mm-hm?
Woo!
Oh, in the...!
Tss! Deet! Yep.
That was silly.
I actually really like magic.
I was just in a bad mood.
Oh, yeah, really? Yeah, yeah.
In fact, I know you
don't have much time,
but I do have a bit of a
magic trick to show you.
I'll be so quick. I probably haven't
got time. The police officer said
I haven't got time. Please, Mobeen.
I'm a prison officer. Please.
Just pick a card, any card.
Don't show me. Pick a card.
And that's... King of
clubs. Don't show it to me!
We have to do it again.
Wey! Abracadabra.
Let's go. Help me pick it
up at least. Cheers, mate.
Well done, mate.
We're gonna get Khan.
You've done it. You did
it. You did it. WE did it.
Listen to me, brother. I never said
it before, but I love you, bro.
I love ya, and I feel like
kissing ya. Can I kiss ya?
No. Let me kiss ya, please.
Go on, then, just one.
Come on, Moonbeam.
Next time, just you and him.
Nate!
I tried to stop him, but
he just wouldn't listen.
I'm the Alpha in here.
This is how I resolve disputes.
Such a strong stream.
Next time, I piss in your beard.
Ugh!
Hey, he's nearly killed him.
What? Mega.
He beat the shit out of Chippy.
He's unresponsive.
Oh, God. It's my fault.
Mobeen, I know what
you're thinking.
It's all my fault.
Don't get involved.
You're letting the
madness drag you back in.
Don't do it, man.
Nate, I should've fixed this
motherfucker long time...
Mobeen. Mobeen!
You want an apple? Sorry?
I've got satsumas as well.
I've had my
five-a-day, thank you.
Well, you were right - diabetes
will be the death of me.
Natural sugars all the way now.
Come in.
In-in your cell?
Yeah, come into the shark tank.
Ah, Mobeen, Mobeen, Mobeen.
Meg, listen to me.
- No, YOU listen! Allah!
- You listen to me!
I'm sorry, man.
I was speaking and then
you interrupted me.
It's rude to interrupt.
It is rude. I apologise
for being rude.
Look, I know you hate me.
I know everyone hates me.
They do.
Ahh, fuck...
I think I actually hate myself.
Probably shouldn't
hate yourself.
It's bad for your...
..chakras and... Stop.
You know, right before
I was gonna kill you...
You were gonna kill me?
..I had this thought.
You and me, yeah, we're
actually really alike.
Single mum, dad in
and out of trouble,
then he fucks off, leaves
us to fend for ourselves.
My mum told him to fuck off.
She left him, so...
Well, she WOULD say that.
Mine did. '90s immigrant
mums never left their men.
No, HE walked out on US.
You and I.
You know what the difference
is between you and me?
I'm a prick who
knows he's a prick.
You're a prick who
doesn't know he's a prick.
I know YOU'RE a prick.
You're the prick. No,
you're a prick as well.
You just said it, didn't you?
I'm a prick. That's facts.
You are a prick.
And also, you're a
prick. I don't think so.
Yes! Yes, you see? That, there!
Yeah! That's what
I'm talking about!
See, you love it, you love it -
the chaos, the drama,
the need to be a saviour.
You even put your own people in
harm's way just to be a hero.
I respect that.
I understand that.
You chat shit, man.
Chat shit? Really?
You chat shit.
All you had to do was say
no to that undercover fed.
And instead, what did you say?
"Yes, sahib."
You were nearly done.
You were outta here.
New start, new life.
But you love it too much.
Let's be honest, without
this Paki Robin Hood persona,
who are you, brother?
Just another guy
stacking shelves in B&Q.
Yeah.
You would rather be
dead than be that guy.
We are never
going to beat the system.
So, what do you say
we light a fire...
..me and you,
and burn this bastard
to the ground?
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-h-h!
There will be no
fires on MY watch,
Goliath.
Ah, shit.
So, according to THAT parable,
that would make you...
..what - little David?
Sajid, not... not... David.
What's he talking
about, David? Ah, shit.
Very, very, biblical.
You big f...
Ah, Sajid!
You ready, bro?
Nah, I can't go, man.
Do this crazy shit
you're about to do.
You made a pie?
Nah, but I can get you fruit.
Lads!
We've waited a
long time for this.
Who fancies a fucking riot?!
Yeah!
language and very strong language
Mega's gonna kill you.
No matter what happens,
you gotta stay in this cell.
I have to stay in this cell!
You gotta stay in this
cell. I have to stay in...!
The only way to stay safe is stay in
this cell. Are you gonna look after me?
Yeah. Aww! You're
leaving the cell.
Oh... my God.
Ahhh!
Pathetic.
And that's when I knew every
choice has consequences...
Oh, Mega, are you
good, my brother?
I will be, when I get
my hands on Mobeen.
But he never leaves his cell.
You've gotta get him to
leave his cell, Chippy.
I'm running outta favours, Mega.
You run outta favours when
I SAY you run outta favours.
This fucking toenail...
Excuse me for a minute, Chippy.
That's how you deal with
irritating little bastards.
You get them out.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Get Mobeen out of his
cell and bring him to me.
You see this game you're
playing, yeah? It's putting me
in mortal danger. You
love the madness, Moonpig.
I do not.
There's a one-in-six chance
of you actually dying,
and they're pretty good
odds. Listen to me, eh?
I'm not some plump
yet fat, sexy stallion
whose life you're
betting on, OK?
If something happens
to me, then you,
you've got the blood of a
brown man on your hands.
Yeah, it won't be
the first time.
Relax. You're with an
officer. You'll be fine.
Every time I come out
here, you facilitate me
getting spanked within an
inch of my life every day.
"Yeah, Mobeen, you
love it, tssh!"
You're giving me tingles.
Uh-uh.
Look, just make sure you have a
nice little chat with Memory Stick,
so we can get to
calm, all right?
What the fuck am I supposed
to talk to him about -
Avril Lavigne? You what?
Yeah, that's what Shady
says he's into, man.
Shady's a mad lad.
Ey, he's a mad lad,
but he's MY mad lad.
I love Asian uncles and aunties.
All of 'em?
Even the Tory ones?
Are they even Asian? Yes! Good.
That's what I was thinking as well.
I think they're like the bad
guys at the end of Scooby-Doo.
They just grab them
brown masks and...
"Send them all to Rwanda."
And reveal the many
faces of Satan.
Harsh...
..on Satan...
I really like you. Did
I ever tell you that?
Memory Stick's last
check-up's our last chance.
We get him to cooperate
now, everything's pattered.
Hello, Doc. I need a few
minutes with Colin Bigginson.
He's had his last check-up,
and Officer Sajid personally
escorted him back to his cell.
Bloody Sajid. I'll throttle
the little pillock.
I can still do Mobeen, if
you just give us some space.
Take a seat, Mobeen. Thank you.
How is the eye getting
on? Look up for me.
OK. Watch out for his breath.
It once made a cat faint.
That's a unique bedside manner,
but I like it.
Why are you here? I told
you I don't want you here.
I won't be here long. Why?
Nida's got me a
PROPER placement.
Tell him where it is.
Sharjah in the UAE.
Are you joking? You got her...
Sharjah!
Come on!
I can't believe
it. When do you go?
Tonight. Huh?
Someone got Covid and dropped
out last minute, so I'm in.
Nah, please don't go.
Hello, haramzada.
Uncle! What are you doing here?
Prison chaplain gives the
last rite to a dying man.
Oh. He can bet he's not
getting any more sicker.
Did you kill him?
What are you doing here -
breast reduction surgery?
Breast reduction...?! Excuse me.
I'm just getting
checked out by Doctor...
..checked UP by
Doctor Nida medically.
It's all professional, yeah.
Kinky boy.
Aqsa, if you're going to UAE,
I have one piece of advice.
Yeah?
Go and visit Hajar
Mountain caves.
Huh? They are very beautiful,
very dark and bad.
You must sleep in them.
Don't sleep in THEM.
Sleeping in caves never
did me any harm, bastard.
Mobeen...
Moonbeam!
Oi, he's asleep!
Just like I was
until you barged in.
Bastard. Where is he?
Mega's gonna batter
him any second.
Yeah, man, come on.
ARGGH! Agh!
Hold it! What the fuck
are you doing here?
Are you all right?
Look, dahl.
Oh, dahl!
You scared the
shit outta me, man.
I just wanted to say thank you
for sorting Aqsa's placement.
Please may I sit down?
Yeah, yeah.
How did you make this?
Oh, it was the lads in the
canteen. I got them to make it.
And how did you get in here?
The door was open.
Mm, I'm pretty sure
the door was locked.
I definitely didn't break in.
Look, this is
really nice, but...
Is this Pot Noodle in here?
Yeah, a bit.
Listen, I don't know how
to break this down to you,
but it would be unprofessional
for me to eat this pot...
..dahl.
I'm sorry. I'll just go.
Nah, nah, thank you.
Ooh.
How does it tastes?
That tastes like...
Whew.
Obviously, this hasn't
quite worked out, has it?
But... in the real world,
out there,
I would take you to get the
best dahl on planet Earth, yeah?
There's this place
called Raja's Nicy Spicy.
I've heard. What?!
I actually wanna go there.
Yeah, well, I've just technically
offered to take you there.
I'm out soon, so, I mean, maybe?
When I'm out?
As friends?
Do you know what? Mm?
As a friend,
I'd be down with that.
OK.
Cool.
Well, well, well.
Turns out someone
CAN leave their cell.
Swear down.
Man like Mobeen.
Curry - you want some of this?
We need to get that info
out of Memory Stick's head
and into my hands.
Listen, if I see one more
scatter cushion in here,
there'll be trouble. Boss.
Mobeen...
..Nathaniel...
..I need you your help.
Nay, nay, nay, Governor.
You are not looking at our
lulis in the shower again.
It's not that.
It's Jamal.
He's in a bad way.
Jamal's a good brother.
What's happened?
He's refusing to leave his cell, and
he's threatening to hurt himself.
His wife says she's gonna
stop him seeing the kids.
So, what we need is a really
brilliant trained listener
to go into his cell.
Somebody at the top of their
game. The best we've got.
And I'm looking at you, Mobeen.
Will you get on with
it? Cos he needs you.
What's up?
The thing is, if you spend
time sorting out Jamal,
you can't get to
Memory Stick, can ya?
We are so close to getting Khan,
and if you run into Mega,
he's gonna fuck you up.
Forget about Mega for a
minute. Jamal needs help.
He needs OUR help.
You're willing to put your neck
on the line for any old inmate,
when you know Mega's out
there waiting for ya?
It's not any old inmate.
He's a good brother,
and he needs my help.
Don't look at me like that.
Mobeen, good luck, yeah?
All the best, yeah?
Good luck, bro.
You've got this, Mobeen.
Jamal needs you.
Yo.
No, no, no!
Mega, stop, bro.
I beg your pardon, Chips?
It's not about you and him.
It's about Jamal.
Very honourable.
But I don't give a shit.
Well, I give a shit.
Oh, listen, little man.
No, you listen to me,
you big, useless dosser.
Ooh.
You will get back to
your cell immediately.
Sorry, you must be
out of your f...
Shut your mouth.
I run this wing.
You know what they
say, don't ya, huh?
The bigger the lad,
the smaller the brain.
He's gonna fist your bunda
into another universe.
Go back to cell now.
Yeah, you go...
Fee-fi-fo-fum,
look at me,
I'm a big, hairy lun.
You're gonna be sorry for this
little show you just put on.
Yeah? Back to your cell.
You're boring, mate.
Thank you, Sajid, thank you.
Look at me.
Thank you. Thank you.
Hey, Mobeen, come on.
He's gone. He's gone.
Oh, my God, will
you leave me alone?!
I don't wanna talk to you, OK?
You are an insufferable,
incorrigible piece of shit.
You're obsessed with me. Colin!
Not now.
Oh, yes, JJ.
Give us a minute, my bro, yeah?
Yo, salaam, Jamal.
Go away, Mobes. I don't want a
lecture from you. Come on, man.
At least give your
boy salaam. Come on.
My bad. Salaam.
Salaam. There you are.
Jamal, I got something
serious to tell you.
Harry Maguire is shit.
Did you see man at the weekend?!
He's a dead baller, bro.
When his mum gave birth to him, she
gave birth to one human own goal.
How do you think
that makes man feel
when he sees that
stuff on social media?
You're behaving like one
insensitive dickhead.
How you really feeling, bro?
My missus says I can't
see my kids anymore.
How would YOU feel?
I ain't ever met your kids.
Are you dumb?
How would you feel if
it was your sister?
That could never
happen. Come on, bro.
Well, it's happened to me.
Without my kids...
..I don't wanna be here anymore.
J, look, you know
where we're from.
OK, with these things,
we just have to man up.
This is why man
don't say anything.
I'm over here talking about
wanting to kill myself,
and you're telling me to man up.
It didn't work.
Now what?
Huh?
Where is Mobeen?
Oh, he's helping Jamal
at the moment, Uncle.
This is MY job to help people.
I get paid overtime for this.
Just leave him to it,
yeah? He's a good lad.
He knows what he's doing.
No, I will remove him
and send him back.
I want my overtime money.
No, you stay in the cell.
Nate, can you keep an
eye on him, please?
Back in a bit.
Ginseng?
Jamal...
I can imagine how you feel.
Can you?
Can you imagine wanting
to do yourself in?
No.
No, I can't.
I can.
There are lots of people
who wanna kill Moonbeam.
One of them's even in this nick.
But doing himself in - never.
Can you two say Mashallah?
Because you're putting a
lot on me at the moment.
Mashallah. Mashallah.
Thank you.
You know, the first time
I thought about it...
..I made a right
fucking mess of it.
You can close your
mouth, Moonbeam.
It's a long journey, brother.
There are a lot more people
on it than you think.
You're not alone.
You should be the listener.
Nah, mate.
I'm just as bad as
dickhead over here.
I just know how
to talk about it.
And a lotta people don't.
But you know where
I am if you need me.
Safe, bro.
Now feel like a
good time to hug?
Piss off. Do one.
Safe, gents.
Bravo.
Oh, leave off, will ya?
No.
I heard everything.
You're not a complete
cretin, are you?
I know what you're after.
I'll give you the information
you want about Khan.
What?! What?
The financial records,
the business details,
the list of bent coppers.
Why? Not why - yes!
Thank you. What are
you asking why for?
Look, I can't keep
living like this.
I'm gonna end up like Jamal.
You're a good dude.
Really?
He's not an incel. What?
He thought maybe you were an
incel, and I said you weren't.
Incel?! That's a weird
thing for you to say.
But seriously, this
means you can finally get
justice for your friend, Eight.
How do you know Eight?
I went to uni with
his older brother.
Me and Nine were pretty close.
You must've gone to Cambridge
with him. I did, yeah.
We met punting down the Cam.
I don't know what he means.
What does he mean? I don't know.
OK, listen...
Just bring it in for a
second, lads, yeah? So...
..how do we get the information out
of this incredible brain of yours...
..and into your hands? Like,
have you got a recording device?
I've got some gear. So, I've got,
like, full body suit, balaclava.
I can meet you in the showers.
No, I was just thinking I'd drop off
the memory stick at your cell later.
How do you mean, drop the mem...?
You're gonna drop yourself
to the cell, and then when you get to the
cell... You're gonna drop yourself to the cell.
I haven't memorised all that. You
think I've memorised all that infor...?
No, it's all on a memory stick.
Not in your head? It's not in
my head. It's not in his head!
Of course. Oh, yeah. That's
like something from a shit film.
Shit film!
The shittest film! What kinda
idiot woulda thought it?
I don't know what kind of idiot
would've thought that! I don't know.
He thought it. Did you think
that? No, he did. Stupid. Stupid!
Just, he's called Memory Stick.
Don't do that again.
But, no, listen. Hey...
You don't know what this means
to ALL of us. Look at me.
What you're doing is
fucking legendary, mate.
Really? Oh!
Aw, special, special.
OK, you know where the
cell is. I do, yeah.
And if we could just bring it
in as well. Oh, oh, that's,
you've done that. I thought it was
just you, me, and him, we could
just kinda hug it out
now. OK. Bless you.
Thanks, Colin. Assalaamu Alaikum,
my brother. Nice to meet you.
See you. Peace be upon
you. Yeah. Hey, Mobeen?
Mm-hm?
Woo!
Oh, in the...!
Tss! Deet! Yep.
That was silly.
I actually really like magic.
I was just in a bad mood.
Oh, yeah, really? Yeah, yeah.
In fact, I know you
don't have much time,
but I do have a bit of a
magic trick to show you.
I'll be so quick. I probably haven't
got time. The police officer said
I haven't got time. Please, Mobeen.
I'm a prison officer. Please.
Just pick a card, any card.
Don't show me. Pick a card.
And that's... King of
clubs. Don't show it to me!
We have to do it again.
Wey! Abracadabra.
Let's go. Help me pick it
up at least. Cheers, mate.
Well done, mate.
We're gonna get Khan.
You've done it. You did
it. You did it. WE did it.
Listen to me, brother. I never said
it before, but I love you, bro.
I love ya, and I feel like
kissing ya. Can I kiss ya?
No. Let me kiss ya, please.
Go on, then, just one.
Come on, Moonbeam.
Next time, just you and him.
Nate!
I tried to stop him, but
he just wouldn't listen.
I'm the Alpha in here.
This is how I resolve disputes.
Such a strong stream.
Next time, I piss in your beard.
Ugh!
Hey, he's nearly killed him.
What? Mega.
He beat the shit out of Chippy.
He's unresponsive.
Oh, God. It's my fault.
Mobeen, I know what
you're thinking.
It's all my fault.
Don't get involved.
You're letting the
madness drag you back in.
Don't do it, man.
Nate, I should've fixed this
motherfucker long time...
Mobeen. Mobeen!
You want an apple? Sorry?
I've got satsumas as well.
I've had my
five-a-day, thank you.
Well, you were right - diabetes
will be the death of me.
Natural sugars all the way now.
Come in.
In-in your cell?
Yeah, come into the shark tank.
Ah, Mobeen, Mobeen, Mobeen.
Meg, listen to me.
- No, YOU listen! Allah!
- You listen to me!
I'm sorry, man.
I was speaking and then
you interrupted me.
It's rude to interrupt.
It is rude. I apologise
for being rude.
Look, I know you hate me.
I know everyone hates me.
They do.
Ahh, fuck...
I think I actually hate myself.
Probably shouldn't
hate yourself.
It's bad for your...
..chakras and... Stop.
You know, right before
I was gonna kill you...
You were gonna kill me?
..I had this thought.
You and me, yeah, we're
actually really alike.
Single mum, dad in
and out of trouble,
then he fucks off, leaves
us to fend for ourselves.
My mum told him to fuck off.
She left him, so...
Well, she WOULD say that.
Mine did. '90s immigrant
mums never left their men.
No, HE walked out on US.
You and I.
You know what the difference
is between you and me?
I'm a prick who
knows he's a prick.
You're a prick who
doesn't know he's a prick.
I know YOU'RE a prick.
You're the prick. No,
you're a prick as well.
You just said it, didn't you?
I'm a prick. That's facts.
You are a prick.
And also, you're a
prick. I don't think so.
Yes! Yes, you see? That, there!
Yeah! That's what
I'm talking about!
See, you love it, you love it -
the chaos, the drama,
the need to be a saviour.
You even put your own people in
harm's way just to be a hero.
I respect that.
I understand that.
You chat shit, man.
Chat shit? Really?
You chat shit.
All you had to do was say
no to that undercover fed.
And instead, what did you say?
"Yes, sahib."
You were nearly done.
You were outta here.
New start, new life.
But you love it too much.
Let's be honest, without
this Paki Robin Hood persona,
who are you, brother?
Just another guy
stacking shelves in B&Q.
Yeah.
You would rather be
dead than be that guy.
We are never
going to beat the system.
So, what do you say
we light a fire...
..me and you,
and burn this bastard
to the ground?
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-h-h!
There will be no
fires on MY watch,
Goliath.
Ah, shit.
So, according to THAT parable,
that would make you...
..what - little David?
Sajid, not... not... David.
What's he talking
about, David? Ah, shit.
Very, very, biblical.
You big f...
Ah, Sajid!
You ready, bro?
Nah, I can't go, man.
Do this crazy shit
you're about to do.
You made a pie?
Nah, but I can get you fruit.
Lads!
We've waited a
long time for this.
Who fancies a fucking riot?!
Yeah!