Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 6, Episode 4 - Now Hear This - full transcript

Uh-uh! Don't slam
that door, mama.

I'm going for the world's
sugar stacking record.

Oh, for crying out loud!

I guess you can cancel
your call to Guinness.

Thanks a lot, mama.

Oh, no bacon for me, grandma.

Terri says that fried
foods are bad for my skin.

Oh, a few zits
never hurt anybody.

Grandma, Terri happens
to be an expert on skin care.

She's a second-semester
cosmetology student.

Well, I'm not about
to change my menus



on the advice of some
future shampoo girl.

But yesterday during my facial

she told me my
PH balance was off.

Oh, yeah? Next thing we know

she'll be waxing your legs.

Mmm... ah! Good
morning, everybody.

Well, I see Sleeping Beauty
finally decided to join us.

Yes, well, ever
since I got pregnant

I have to spend a
lot more time in bed.

Spending all that time in bed

is what got you
pregnant in the first place.

Oh, hey, Skeeter! Skeeter, look!

Look what I picked
up this morning!

Oh, sweet pea, it's
your very own bathinette.



Well, sweet pea's
bathinette could use a bath.

Where did you
get that filthy thing?

Uma Mae gave it to us.

She said she won't
be needing it anymore.

Well, I certainly hope not.

The woman's in her 70s.

Honey, these things
are so expensive

she really saved us a bundle.

She's just saving
herself a trip to the dump.

We'll make it better than
new, won't we, Skeeter?

Yes, we will.

Nothing is too good

for our little bundle of joy.

We're gonna have a
playpen with adjustable sides

a foldaway stroller

and a brass crib with a canopy.

You forgot the silver
spoon for his mouth.

Hey, what about an intercom?

He's a baby, not a test pilot.

No, grandma, I'm
talking about an intercom

you install in the baby's room

so you can hear him from
anywhere in the house.

Honey, we've got to have that.

The hell you do!

Babies come with their
own built-in sound systems.

Besides, I bet those
gizmos cost an arm and a leg.

No, they don't, grandma.

Electric City's got
them on sale, half price!

Well, who asked you?

I still say no intercom.

Well, I say intercom, intercom.

I am the man of the house

it is my money and my baby,

and I do not need
your permission.

Is that so?

Well, it's my house.

Oh, please, mama.

Can I? Huh? Please?

Oh, alright, alright.

Never could say
no to my children

especially when they grovel.

Thank you so much, Ms. Harper.

Let's get down to Electric City

before they sell out.

I'll get the truck.

I'll go with you, Uncle Vint.

Terri's been after me to
get a three-speed hair drier.

Well, wait just a
minute here now.

What about this
piece of junk here

in the middle of my kitchen?

Oh, just leave it, Ms. Harper.

I'll clean it up later.

She said the same thing three
years ago about her bedroom.

Ick!

Step number 247.

"Insert installation
screw 'B' into cover case."

Oh!

"Turn clockwise."

Just think, honey,
we're going to be

the first house on the
block to go high-tech.

That's right, Skeeter.

We got ourselves a
Satsubishi 6000 Tonaphonic.

Hey, grandma,
you're just in time

we're wired for sound.

Oh, yeah? Well, now hear this.

Get your butts in gear
and clean up this mess.

Not now, mama, not yet.

We've got to test
this thing out first.

Skeeter, you go
down to the basement

and make cute
little baby noises.

Okay!

Goo-goo, gah-gah,
tee-hee, tah-hah...

Hey, you sound like a chicken
trying to lay a 10-pound egg.

It's my baby, it'll
sound like I want it to.

Why don't I go upstairs and
test it out in the bathroom?

It's time for my herbal scalp
treatment and lemon rinse.

Yeah, you washing
your hair or brewing tea?

Grandma, Terri says...

Go soak your head with your

"Terri says, Terri says..."

Vinton, I cannot thank you
enough for bugging my bathroom.

Now if I'm about to flush
myself down the john

I can just reach
up and yell for help.

You're welcome, mama.

Come here, come here, come here!

Now, all's we got to do is
switch the power button on.

You wanna do the honors?

No, I most certainly do
not want to touch that thing.

No, don't be afraid

it's just wires and electricity.

They said the same
thing to Jimmy Cagney

on his way to the hot seat.

Okay, good, then I get to do it.

Now, first we turn the power on.

Then we press the location
button, "Mama's bathroom."

Now, you hold this
button down to talk.

Okay... do you read me, Bubba?

Come in, Bubba, over.

And you let it up to listen.

Yeah, loud and
clear, Uncle Vint.

Ha ha ha!

Push to talk... what's
happening up there?

I don't want to know
what's happening up there.

Okay, then let's
try the basement.

Ga ga boo boo ka ka doo doo.

I'm sick of this.

Sounds like your
wife needs changing.

You wanna turn
this thing off now

so that I can clean
up my room in peace?

Okay, but first let's test out

the speaker on the front porch.

Now, all's you got to do

is press this button
marked "Porch"

when I ring the bell.

Ha ha ha, just think,
you'll never have to face

another door-to-door
salesman again!

Let me show you, mama...
this'll be fun, this'll be fun.

Yeah, I guess.

Well, I wonder who that can be.

Who is it?

Hello, ma'am, I'm
selling magazines...

Stick your
subscriptions in your ear.

You see how it works, mama?

Isn't it great?

Oh, darn, the door's locked.

Mama?

Mama, could you let me in?

Mama, mama?

I'm liking this thing
better and better.

Sure keeps out the riff-raff.

Good Lord, Vinton's
even got that packing stuff

over here behind the curtains.

Come on in, Iola,
the door's open.

Well, Thelma? You
gave me quite a start.

I heard your voice
out on the porch.

I thought your mailbox
was possessed.

Well, I wanted to surprise
you. It was my intercom.

Well, you certainly did that.

If I was any more surprised,
I'd be wearing our dinner.

Blue corn tortilla chips.

Think my family's gonna go
for this? What else is in there?

Oh, it's a delicious
way to use tuna

your leftover
yams, and frijoles.

What the hell you call this?

Tuna Montezuma.

Well, Thelma... I just can't
believe you got an intercom.

I mean, it's so... today.

Yeah, well, hell, I've always
been on the cutting edge.

Maybe we should
get one of these.

You know, it would
be just the thing

for monitoring
mother's sleep states.

You know if I were to hear...

then I know
everything's alright.

You got it.

On the other hand, if I heard...

Then I'd know that
mother needs turning.

Of course, on the off
chance that I heard...

Alright, Iola, I
get the picture.

Is this thing
difficult to operate?

No, hon, I'm tellin'
ya, it's a breeze.

Now, say I wanna
check up on Bubba.

See here, with
the flick of the wrist

I am in touch with
my beloved grandson.

Earth to Bubba!

What now, grandma?

Turn that hair dryer
off and hit those books.

Okay.

Well, I must admit,
it's an innovative way

to keep tabs on your family.

You ain't seen nothin' yet.

Now we're going to check
up on the dynamic duo

down in the basement.

Will you listen to this?

What? I don't hear anything.

Exactly.

Alright, you two I know
you're not reading down there.

Oh, Ms. Harper, we're
just trying to relax.

Well, do your relaxing at
night like normal people do!

And get up here and
get that filthy bathinette

out of my kitchen right now.

I'm telling you,
this little gizmo

is a boon to mothers everywhere.

I'm going outside to
study where it's quiet.

Hey, what is all that
gunk on your face?

Zinc oxide... Terri
says my fair skin

is especially
sensitive to the sun.

That Terri is starting
to get on my nerves.

Ms. Harper, that intercom
is for listening in on the baby

not the baby's parents.

Yeah, well, the baby's
grandmother is getting sick

and tired of this piece of
junk dirtying up her house.

Our bathinette is not junk!

That's right, it just
needs cleaning.

And maybe a nut or two.

Yeah, well, I think it
takes a nut to know one.

Now go on, get out of here!

Go on, both of
you, out, out, out!

Thelma, don't you think you're
being a little hard on them?

Are you kidding?
I've got to keep an eye

on these deadbeats
24 hours a day.

Uh-huh, just as I suspected,

they're all standing
out there gabbing.

We'll just see what
this little meeting

of the mindless is all about.

What are you gonna do?

I'm doin' what any
caring mother would

I'm keeping the lines
of communication open.

But, Thelma, you can't.

That's an invasion
of their privacy.

Well, if they've
got nothing to hide

why should they care
if I give a little listen?

It just isn't right.

It's like a mother finding
her daughter's diary

and reading a
blossoming schoolgirl's

most torrid thoughts about
a certain English teacher

with eyes like Paul Newman.

Well, for pity sakes, Iola

it isn't my fault your
mother's a busy-body.

Well, it was so humiliating.

It was years before I could
diagram a sentence again.

This is hardly the same thing.

Yes, it is.

Your family's
conversation is private.

If they wanted you to
know what they were saying

they'd say it in front of you.

Alright, alright,
you got your way.

Just go on in there and
reheat your casserole

I'm just goin' to clean up
these bathinette tracks.

Doesn't it feel better
to resist temptation?

Yes. I'll have to
try it sometime.

Honey, hand me that
sponge, would you?

Um... okay, Skeeter.

First let me coil up this hose,
just the way mama likes it.

Because if I don't
she'll try to wrap

this sucker around my neck.

Yeah, she's always got to
have things her own way.

You know, she's nothing but
a blue-haired, bossy old bully.

What bothers me is
her getting on my case

over every little thing.

And now with this intercom, I
can't even go up to my room

to get away from her nagging.

Oh, now, you're being
too hard on mama.

The poor old gal doesn't
have any life of her own.

That's why she
has to butt into ours.

Well, I guess at least
now I know what they think.

Whoever said the truth hurts

must have had
a family like mine.

Maybe I didn't hear them right.

I bet you they're just
playing a little joke.

Believe me, it's no joke.

Mama is not happy

unless she's telling
everybody what to do.

Lord, I'm surrounded by Judases.

Shall we be festive
and use salad forks?

Don't ask me. I never
tell anybody what to do.

Well, what's the
matter with you?

I'd rather not talk about it.

Oh, alright.

It's that rotten family of mine.

Oh, what did I ever do
to deserve such ingrates?

I tell ya, I've given them
the best years of my life...

thrown in the last
20 as a bonus.

How do they repay me?

With meanness and
pettiness and disloyalty.

Let's not talk about it. I
don't want to get upset.

You know, I still
don't like the idea

of your mama listening in on us.

Yeah, I bet she wouldn't
like it if we did that to her.

Hey, we could, you know.

The monitor in
the kitchen is open.

Yeah, but why would we
want to listen to her and Iola

talk about recipes?

Oh, sure, that's what they
talk about when we're around.

But who knows what they say

when they think
nobody's listening?

Well, there's one
way to find out.

Yeah.

Okay, okay, quiet everybody.

I tell you what, I don't know

which one of them
ticks me off worse.

Well, I always
thought it was Naomi.

Well, she is definitely
in the running.

I tell you what, if
blondie ever lifted a finger

around this house,
I think I'd faint.

She makes a slug look ambitious.

That's true, Naomi's not
much of a homemaker,

but what have you
got against Bubba?

I've never seen a boy
so in love with himself.

Shoot, if it was up to him

this would be a
house of mirrors.

Ha ha ha ha, boy, she
sure nailed you, Bubba.

And I tell you what, that
pea-brained son of mine

is the worst.

Well, now, what has Vint done?

It's what he hasn't
done... grow up!

I swear, he acts more like
a little kid than a grown man.

Who would have thought
in my golden years

I'd be saddled with
a middle-aged baby?

Welcome to the club, Uncle Vint.

How can mama talk
about me like that?

I'm not a baby, I'm
not, I'm not, I'm not!

Well, she called me a lazy slug

in front of my unborn baby!

I'm gonna go give
her a piece of my mind.

No, wait, Aunt Naomi,
you can't do that.

She'll know we were
listening in on her.

Oh, that's right.
We can't let on.

We'll just have to zip our lips
and pretend everything's fine.

Well, Thelma, if your
family upsets you so much

why don't you just
tell 'em how you feel?

Oh no, and have them accuse
me of trying to run their lives?

No sirree, I'm not
the kind of mother

who bosses her kids around.

Chow time, get
your butts in here!

If that's alright with you.

Well, I hope we're
all in the mood

for our fiesta mexicana.

Yeah, yeah, yeah
just dish it up, Charro.

Bubba, go wash that
junk off your nose!

Or not, it's your nose.

No, no, I'll go wash it off...

that way I can go look
at myself in the mirror!

I think the sun
has fried his brain.

Oh, darn, I forgot
the hot sauce.

I'll get it...

even though I'm pregnant
and feeling sluggish.

Will there be anything else?

Yeah, how about some
service with a smile?

Salad, Vint?

No, thank you, Iola.

I am perfectly capable
of serving myself.

Oh, Vinton.

That's a salad spoon,
not a hockey stick!

I swear, of all
the lame brain...

accidents that could
happen to anyone...

Iola, help me clear this up.

No, I made the mess
and I will clean it up...

mother.

Very well, son.

Here we are, hot
sauce for every taste...

mild, medium and
mucho callienté.

I also plugged in the coffee pot

and cleaned up that
mess on the counter top.

Well, now I've seen it all.

Except for that.

Bubba, what the hell
have you done to your hair?

You mean you don't like it?

I've seen better looking
heads on a Johnny Mop!

Grandma, there is
more to life than hair.

Get your butt back in there
and comb it, it looks stu...

You look just fine, sweetie.

Well, Vint, you've hardly
touched your tuna Montezuma.

That's just Vinton's way.

He'd rather play with
his food than eat it.

I guess that's because
I'm not ready for solid food.

Maybe you should cut
up my tuny montezumy

into teeny weeny pieces!

What the hell's the
matter with you?

Well, if you're going to
call me a middle-aged baby

I might as well act like one.

Well, I did no such thing!

Oh, and I suppose you
never called me a lazy slug.

Or me a vain,
egotistical airhead.

I never used the word "airhead."

I do seem to recall
somebody calling

their grandmother a nag.

Although I do prefer
that to a blue-haired,

bossy old bully!

Mama, you spied on us?

Well, what else
have I got to do?

I've got no life of my own!

Ms. Harper, you listened
in on us behind our backs?

Dirty pool, grandma!

I warned you about that,
Thelma, shame on you.

Now just a damn minute

I'm not the only
guilty party here.

All I did was mention
a few true facts

to my good friend,
Iola, about my family

and how is it you all
just happen to know

what it is I said
about you, huh?

Uh, lucky guess.

Oh, lucky guess

you're nothing but a bunch
of dirty eavesdroppers!

Well, you started it!

Yeah, grandma.

I did not, I'm not
the one who brought

that intercom,
intercom into the house.

Thelma, you can't blame
it all on the intercom.

The hell I can't, I want
that squawk box gone!

From now on, if we've
got any backstabbing to do

we're going to do it the
same way we've always done it

face to face.