Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 6, Episode 3 - Mr. Wrong - full transcript

Iola would like a husband and family of her own. Mama encourages Iola to date, but is not pleased by Iola's choice: a boorish loudmouth.

Oh, no! Thelma, don't
put the puppy square

next to the kitty square.
They don't get along.

Well, don't worry.

I'll just sew a little
muzzle on the mutt.

Ah, I tell you what

there's is nothing
quite so much fun

as making a baby quilt.

I can think of something.

What's that, Skeeter?

Making a baby.

Good lord, Naomi,
clean up your act.



You're a woman with child.

I know it, and I've
never been happier.

My life is complete.

I'm going to have a
career and a family.

Now I know what Meryl
Streep must feel like.

Next thing we know

you'll be talking
with a foreign accent.

Oh, darn! I missed a stitch.

Now the little airplane
has no cockpit.

You know, I remember
my baby quilt.

It was full of little
choo-choo trains.

I was so crazy about that thing

I couldn't sleep without it.

Oh, that is so adorable.



Adorable, my foot.

I had to send it off to him
when he went in the army.

Well, Sarge wouldn't let me keep

my Davy Crockett pillow.

I'll tell you what I'm
hoping that the next time

I make one of these,
it's for you, Iola.

Well, what's wrong with her?

Maybe she stuck
herself with a needle.

Oh, pipe down before I
sew your lips together.

Obviously, one of you
goons said something

to upset the poor dear
and now it's up to me

to go in and stop
the waterworks.

Iola, sweetie, are you alright?

I guess that means no.

Just sit down here.

I'll get us something
cool to drink, sweetie.

You just tell me what
it is that set you off.

Well, I guess it
was when you said

you were gonna
make me a baby quilt.

Now, there, there. I
know you're grateful.

No! It made me realize
how empty my life is.

After mother and daddy
are gone, I'll be all alone.

Don't be silly.
You've still got me.

Iola, take it easy.

I'm not sure this
fabric is color-fast.

Thelma, I want to be like Naomi.

I want to have it all.

You've got it all now.

You've got your health.

You got your...

Uh...

Did I mention health?

Well, now... Take it from me.

Having it all is way overrated.

Well, that's easy
for you to say.

You've already had a
husband and a family.

Well, so could you, if
you weren't so picky.

I'm not picky.

All I want is a
kind, understanding

decent, loving,
handsome, successful

blue-eyed man in the
medical profession.

Well, I'm glad you're
keeping such an open mind.

Now you listen to me, missy.

If you wanna get married
you're gonna have to lower

your standards just
like the rest of us.

Did you lower your standards?

You bet your butt I did.

I wanted to marry a man
that looked like Cary Grant.

I settled for Carl.

Looked more like Lou Grant.

Well, maybe you have a point.

Maybe I should
give up on Mr. Right.

That's the spirit!

The minute you set
your sights low enough

you're sure to bag somethin'.

You really think I
could bag a man?

I'm positive!

Hey, with my help,
we're gonna have

one stuffed and mounted
before the season is over.

Good lord!

Need an extra pair of
hands just for the mosquitoes!

Oh, Bubba, you and
Susie did not play so great.

You were just lucky.

Lucky? We beat you 6-love.

Well, that's not so bad.

At least you didn't shut us out.

Honey, "love" means nothin'.

That's what I've
been saying for years.

Mama, what are you doing
out on the porch so late?

I thought I'd feed
the mosquitoes.

I'm waiting up to see
how Iola did tonight.

Haven't you given up on
her yet? She's a lost cause.

Yeah, you've been sending
her to singles events all week,

and she hasn't met anybody yet.

Well, now, I know the square
dancing and the nature walks

and the co-ed
bingo were washouts

but tonight, I sent her
on a can't-miss activity

a hay ride!

Oh!

Remember our first
hay ride, Skeeter?

How could I ever forget?

Bumping along on that dirt road,

our bodies jostling to and fro

to the clip-clop of
those proud stallions.

Goodnight, Naomi!

You could make a Kiwanis
Club hay ride sound sleazy.

Oh, here she comes!

Hi, Ms. Boylen.

Hey, Iola.

Did you have a
good time tonight?

Certainly looks like it.

Way to go, Ms. Boylen!

Oh, now, get your
minds out of the gutter.

Iola wouldn't do
a thing like that.

Hey, what did you do, Iola?

I made the mistake of
listening to you that's what.

Thelma, I was the only
single on that hay ride.

Everybody else was a newly-wed.

Uh-oh, I must have
misread that schedule.

Well, at least you had a
nice ride in the country.

Huh! Just past Chatman Pond

the wagon swerved
to avoid a possum

and I fell off the back.

Nobody even noticed I was gone.

Well, you know
how newly-weds are.

I had to walk home five
miles on a broken heel!

Alright, Iola, take it easy.

Tomorrow you're gonna
have the time of your life.

What's on the agenda, grandma?

- A hot air balloon ride!
- Oh.

Oh, you want me
to fall off of that, too?

Thelma, this has been
the worst week of my life.

Please don't help me anymore!

Where are you going, Iola?

Home to mother. At least
she notices when I'm missin'.

Hey! I already
bought your ticket!

Oh, hey, mama, I wouldn't
mind riding in a balloon.

Yeah, I wouldn't mind
letting the air out of it.

Give me that.

Ow!

You mean you
flunked chemistry too?

Wow! We have so much in common!

Why don't we, uh, get
together sometime, Emily?

Bill, stay out of this.

I'm talking to Emily.

Oh, no, no, I haven't
forgotten about you, Janet.

Well, Bubba, who the
hell are you talking to?

Emily, Bill, or Janet?

All of them, grandma.

It's the love line.

- The what?
- The love line.

Here, check out this
flyer I got at school today.

"Love is just a phone call away.

Chat with up to eight
eligible singles at one time."

Oh, that sounds
harmless enough, I guess.

Two bucks a minute?

Give me that damn phone!

Mama!

I'm trying to meet new people!

Get yourself a pen pal.

Great! Now I'm never
going to meet Emily!

Well, she probably looks
like a water buffalo anyway.

Lord, who is so
lonely and desperate

they spend two bucks a
minute just to meet someone?

Somebody who would be
perfect for Iola, that's who.

Hope she appreciates what
I'm going through for her.

Hello?

All teenagers get off the line.

This is an emergency!

Is there anybody left?

Oh. Hi, Phil.

Why don't you tell me a
little bit about yourself?

Tall? Attractive? Middle-aged?

Well, you sound like you'd be
just perfect for my friend Iola.

Yeah. Where could she
get in touch with you?

The state prison?

Does the governor know

you're costing the taxpayers
two bucks a minute?

Thelma!

Hey, Iola, I just found
a great place for you

to meet some new men.

Of course, some of
them won't be available

for five to ten years.

I already found somebody.

And he's in the
health care profession.

- A doctor?
- Well, not exactly.

He sells hospital supplies.

That's close enough.

Where did you meet him?

Well, he came over to the house

to sell mother a
new hospital bed.

See, the motor on
her old one shorted out.

Both ends of that bed came
up and met in the middle

wedged mother right in between.

It was the first time in
years she's seen her toes.

Iola, I don't care if she
saw the back of her head.

Now tell me about the new beau.

Oh, well, his name
is Burt Cooper.

He's charming and attractive.

He's 5'11", 190 pounds

has blue eyes, no
tattoos or visible scars,

and, oh, he's got a
wonderful sense of humor.

Well, he sounds like a
dream. You see, I told you

you were going to
meet a nice man.

And he is taking me out tonight

to the turntable lounge

on top of the Raymark Building.

No! The revolving restaurant?

On the third floor?

You know, I understand
every half-hour

you can see all
the way to Bundy.

I know! I just can't wait!

We'll, I gotta go
home and get ready!

I'll let you know
tomorrow how it goes.

Well, have a ball...

Hay, don't forget to take a
Dramamine before you order.

Well, now, how the hell

can I have dishwasher spots?

I don't even own a dishwasher.

Hey, grandma, do I really

have to wear a tie to dinner?

Yes, you most
certainly do, buster.

Iola's boyfriend is in
the healthcare profession

and I don't want him thinking

that this family has
no class, no manners.

Vinton! Naomi!

Where the hell are
the hors d'oeuvres?

Is that sangria?

Well, I'm calling it that

but I used grape
Kool-Aid instead of wine.

I don't want anybody
making a fool of themselves

in front of Burt.

Here you go, Ms. Harper.

Gee, mama, onion dip,
cheese puffs, pigs in a blanket.

Yeah. Well, I thought
I'd pull out all the stops.

Hey, hands off!

Those pigs are for the company.

Bubba, go pull the desk
chair over to the sofa.

Well, I cannot wait to
get a gander at Burt.

You think they're
getting serious?

Are you kidding?

They've been keeping
company all week.

Yeah, she has had time

for nothing else
besides that man.

I tell ya, I had to finish
that baby quilt by myself.

She missed choir practice

and her mother's even had to
check her own blood pressure.

Wow! That sounds
like Iola Boylen

is taking a walk
on the wild side.

Well, at least she isn't giving
guided tours, like you do.

That must be the
happy couple now!

Alright, I want all you losers
to be on your best behavior.

Don't worry, mama

we won't do anything
stupid to embarrass you.

Well, hello!

Come on in, you two.

Burt, I would like you to meet

my dearest friend in the world

Thelma Harper.

Well, Thelma, I've
heard so much about you,

it's an honor to
shake your hand.

Well, the pleasure
is all mine, Burt.

Gotcha, Thelma!

Didn't I tell you he had a
delicious sense of humor?

Yeah, just tell him to
keep his hands to himself.

Say, that thing's kind
of neat. Can I see it?

Well, who's this
strapping young fella?

This is Thelma's grandson Bubba.

Well, Bubba, do you always keep

silver dollars in your ear?

Hey, how about that, grandma?

Well, it looks like were going
to have dinner and a floor show.

Hey, can you pull a dollar
out of my ear, Burt? Huh?

Can you? Huh? Can you?

Vinton, leave the man alone.

Doesn't wanna be sticking
his fingers in everybody's ears.

I'll tell you what
I'll do for you, Vint.

Next time you have a hernia

I'll get you a
truss for half price.

Wow!

Well, now, who is this
vision of loveliness?

I'm Naomi, Vinton's
pregnant wife.

I swear, Raytown women

are the most beautiful
in the tri-state area.

Must be the water.

That and the peroxide.

Pig in a blanket?

Don't mind if I do.

Well, you missed a few here.

Get me something to wash
this down with, will you, Iola?

Right away, Burt.

Mama, sounds
like dinner's ready.

Nope, that's my beeper.

I swear, they don't
give their top salesman

a minute's rest.

Oh, may I use your
phone? Thanks.

Be my guest.

So, Thelma, what
do you think of Burt?

Well, Iola, he's
really something.

Well, I'm glad you like him

because he brought up
the subject of marriage.

Is he for it or against it?

You silly!

I think he's gonna pop
the question tonight.

Isn't it wonderful?

Peachy.

Oh, now, don't worry.

I'm not going anywhere.

Burt wants to move in with
mother and daddy and me

after we tie the knot.

Well, I guess I won't
be losing a friend

I'll be gaining a jackass.

So I barge right into the office

of the head of the
Mayo Clinic and I said

"Listen, doc, when you
think of tongue depressors,

think of Burt Cooper."

Wow! The Mayo Clinic.

You said it, kid. And
that was 20 years

and 2 million tongue
depressors ago.

Ooh! That just gives me chills.

Wow. What a salesman, huh, mama?

Yeah, I bet old Burt

could sell a string
bikini to Roseanne Barr.

Iola, you want to help
me clear this table?

Well, what do you say we start

with the tablecloth first?

Hold it, Houdini!

Oh, mama, I wanted to
see Burt do some magic.

Well, see if he can
make you disappear.

Here's a little trick I
taught to Siegfried and Roy.

Of course, they do
it with a Bengal tiger.

Thelma, is there
something wrong?

Nothin'.

Now, come on.

You've been acting
strange all evening.

What gives?

Iola, what in the world
do you see in that man?

He treats you like a slave.

Well, that's just Burt's way.

He has many
outstanding qualities.

Name two.

Well, he's humorous
and outgoing.

So is Pee-wee Herman,
but I wouldn't date him.

Are you still mad about
that skeleton hand?

For crying out loud, Iola

the man is a liar, a
blowhard, and a pig.

Alright, so he's not perfect.

You're the one who told
me to lower my standards.

I told you to lower them,
not put them six feet under.

Thelma, this is my decision.

If Burt asks me to marry him
tonight, I am gonna say "yes."

And I will thank you to
keep your two cents out of it.

Well, fine by me,
if you want to make

the biggest mistake of
your life, you go right ahead.

- I will.
- Good!

- Thank you!
- You're welcome!

So I said to them, boys,
this town is just too small

for a man as good as me.

So, that's when they
transferred me out to the coast.

And I was selling
hospital supplies

to all them movie stars.

You mean you were in Hollywood?

You know celebrities? Who? Who?

- Well, Liz Taylor for one.
- Ooh!

Yeah, I sold her a deep
heat back massager

she just fell in love with.

Hey! I think I saw
her using that thing

on "Lifestyles of the
Rich and Famous."

I bet when Elizabeth
got over her back trouble

you two hit all the
Hollywood hotspots.

No, Lizzie and me decided

to keep everything
strictly business.

Ah, besides, I didn't
want to get involved

with no career woman.

Well, why not? There's nothing
wrong with women having careers.

Sure, most wives work nowadays.

Well, not the future
Mrs. Burt Cooper.

She's going to be too busy
cooking, cleaning, and sewing.

That alright with you, Iola?

I do that already.

Pour me a cup of that,
would you, sweetheart?

- Oh, sure, Skeeter.
- Shame on you, Vint.

Pouring java,
that's woman's work.

Oh, yeah? What about Mr. Coffee?

You certainly have a lot

of very old-fashioned
ideas, Mr. Cooper.

Oh, I don't know,
man has a point.

When my Carl was alive,
I put him on a pedestal.

Oh, mama, that's not true.

I have always deferred
to my men, now shut up!

Yes, sir, Carl wore
the pants in our family

and we had a perfect marriage.

Well, amen. Get me some more
whipped cream, will you, Iola?

Ms. Harper, I never knew
your marriage was perfect.

Well, it was a little
rocky in the beginning.

We had to move
in with Carl's mother

and you know living with
an invalid is never a picnic.

Well, mama, Grandma
Harper was healthy as a horse.

She used to play
tag football with us.

She was just putting up
a brave front for you kids

now shut up and
eat your shortcake.

Well, now, living with in-laws

won't be a problem with us.

Me and Iola are going to
have her house all to ourselves.

What about my parents?

Don't you fret about it,
honey, I've already decided.

We're gonna put them
in a nursing home.

Well, Burt, we
haven't discussed this.

Well, you most certainly should.

Nursing homes can
be real expensive.

Oh, that's no problem.

Iola saved herself
a nice little nest egg.

Well, you know, you two
kids could save a lot of bucks

if you just stuck
them in that home

down by the railroad
tracks, you know

the one with the broken
windows and the tin roof

the one they tried to condemn.

You're talking
about Leisure Haven.

Yeah, now, that's
good thinking, Thelma.

I understand that's
the cheapest one

that passes the state board.

Yeah, I don't
think it's really fair

that folks call it Leisure Hell.

Burt, my parents
are not spending

their twilight years
in Leisure Hell.

Why, uh, now let's not
argue about it, Iola, dear.

I have made my decision.

And I have made mine.

I wouldn't marry you
if you were the last

health care
professional on Earth.

Nobody talks to
Burt Cooper like that

especially a pitiful
old maid like you.

Excuse me just a minute.

Here, Burt, how about a
little more whipped cream?

Thelma!

You forgot the strawberries!

Way to go, Iola! Yeah!

I never liked him, anyhow.

How dare you?

You deserve it, you scumball.

You mess with my best friend
and you get your just desserts.