Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 5, Episode 5 - Many Unhappy Returns - full transcript
All Mama wants for her birthday is an electric mixer. When she discovers a hidden expensive piece of jewelry meant for someone else and assumes it's for her, disaster ensues.
Oh, I swear!
This broken-down
eggbeater has just had it.
I might as well be
doin' heavy construction.
More coffee, sweetheart?
No thanks, Skeeter.
If you two are whisperin' about
what to get me for my birthday
you can just knock it off.
I don't want any
gifts this year.
Oh, you have a birthday
comin' up, grandma?
Oh, aren't you the kidder?
As if you didn't
know it's tomorrow.
I mean it, no fancy gifts.
There's nothin' in
the world that I need.
This old broken-down beater
is givin' me a hand cramp.
Bubba, pass the funnies.
If you give me
the sports section.
Iola keeps sayin' I
should get one of them
cordless electric beaters.
Can you imagine that? Cordless.
She said she can
take 'em anywhere.
I could make pancakes out
in the backyard if I wanted.
Who's got Ann Landers?
They come in six
decorator colors
but I like the pink.
Oh, that Snoopy cracks me up.
Iola says that them
cordless beaters in pink
are on sale for $39.95
down at Raymart.
$39.95.
Of course, what the
hell does she know?
Hey, would you look at this?
Raymart is having a huge sale!
Oh, what a surprise!
I wonder what's on page A3.
Listen to this.
Black, imitation-satin
bed ensemble.
"The feel of satin for
the price of polyester!"
Baby, I want this.
Good lord, Naomi.
Fancy sheets on a fold-out sofa?
Black satin goes very
well with green naugahyde.
Please. I want this.
It's only $29.95.
Oh gee, I don't know, Skeeter.
That's an awful lot of money.
$30 is too much to
spend on our love buggy?
Well, fine.
I shall remember
that the next time
you want to thumb a ride.
Phew! Boy, oh, boy!
Sometimes I wonder if
pancakes are worth all this trouble.
Hey, look at this ad!
- The beater?
- No, a digital solar watch.
Wow!
Listen to these features.
"Compass, beeper,
heart rate, and calculator."
It's even got a smoke detector!
It's so important to know
when your arm is on fire.
Only $19.95.
Oh, mama, you've just
got to loan me the money.
Loan you the money?
I might have known you'd be
short of cash at birthday time!
Hey, grandma, what
about our pancakes?
Oh, yeah.
Here you go. Drink up.
Well, what got into her?
Oh, women always get
cranky around their birthdays.
Especially when they've
had as many as mama.
Say, Uncle Vint, what are
you gonna get grandma?
The best present ever.
Go see if she's gone upstairs.
Coast is clear.
Follow me.
Stand guard.
Take a gander at this.
I made it myself.
Holy cow!
What is it?
A cocktail belt.
You know, for dressy occasions.
It's even got her
initials on the buckle.
- "M H"?
- Mama harper.
Uncle Vint..
This is really... unbelievable.
Isn't it?
I’ll tell ya, there is nothin'
like a gift you made yourself
to get mama all teary-eyed.
Yeah, well, if this doesn't
make her cry, nothin' will.
Oh, Bubba, you get that.
I've gotta hide this.
Hey, Mr. Carstairs.
Uncle Vint, your boss is here!
How are ya?
Well, Mr. Carstairs, what
a surprise. Come on in.
This is not a
social call, Harper.
I've got a little problem.
What's wrong?
Lock yourself out of
the key store again?
No, Harper.
As you probably know today's
my wedding anniversary.
Mother and I have been
married for 35 years.
Is that the problem?
No. No. I'm gettin' to it.
You see, every year,
she snoops around
until she finds her
anniversary gift.
And then she laughs and she says
"Oh, daddy, you're
never gonna surprise me!"
Well, this year, I'm gonna
fool the old bloodhound.
You're not gonna buy her a gift?
That key grinder gets to
you after a while, doesn't it?
No, Harper.
This year, I'm gonna hide
mother's anniversary gift
in the one place she'd
never dream I'd leave it.
- Where?
- With you.
- Me?
- Look at that.
Look at that bracelet,
sterling-silver hearts
genuine diamond chips.
Harper, I'm askin'
you to hide $200 worth
of silver and diamonds.
Do you think you can handle it?
Yes, sir. It'll be
in safe hands.
Fine. Fine. I'll
pick it up tonight.
Don't you worry.
You can depend on me.
I cannot believe that Vinton
didn't want this sheet set.
Look at it even
includes pillow shams.
Do they only come in black?
That is what you
need for the satin look.
Oh, I just know
that Vinton and I
could conceive our
baby on these sheets.
Well, at least
they're perma-press.
If you two girls are
doin' any gift wrappin'
I'm about to come in there!
Oh, just sittin' there, huh?
Ooh, Thelma, I need to
borrow your crystal cake stand.
Oh, you do, now?
Makin' a cake, are you?
Uh-huh. Tomorrow's
mother's bridge group.
I thought I'd bake a bundt.
Tomorrow?
The 16th?
That's right. You
don't need it, do you?
Hell, no. Around this house
I'll be lucky to get a
twinkie with a candle in it.
What is your
problem, Ms. Harper?
You were the one who
said no fuss, no gifts.
Yeah, since when
do you listen to me?
Well, what in the world is this?
Oh, Thelma!
That box is from Vandercleef's!
I'm literate, Iola. I can read.
Vandercleef's? Oh,
I love their jewelry.
"To my darlin' mother."
This is from Vinton.
Vinton bought you
something at Vandercleef's?
Well, that precious boy!
Well, I can't wait.
I've got to open it.
Oh, no. You shouldn't.
If she doesn't, I will.
What is in that thing?
Oh, my word!
Oh!
It's Sterlin' silver!
Oh, and those have
got to be diamond chips.
Well, he shouldn't
have done this!
Boy, you can say that again!
How dare he give
diamonds to an old woman
while his wife is stuck
sleeping on worn-out sheets
with a ratty chenille bedspread!
Happy birthday, Mrs. Harper!
Lord, jealousy is an ugly thing.
Oh, Iola, have you ever
seen anything so beautiful?
Oh, not since
princess Di's wedding.
Imagine that precious
boy surprisin' me like this!
Well, I just can't let
him do it. Come on.
Thelma, what are you doin'?
Well, Iola, my only son just
spent a small fortune
on a gift for me.
I'm doin' what any
grateful mother would do.
I'm takin' it back!
Oh, Skeeter, are you
a sight for sore eyes.
I have had me a rough day.
Hold it.
I saw what you're giving
your mama for her birthday.
You peeked in the buffet?
That was supposed
to be a surprise!
Well, it most certainly was!
Vinton, I want an honest answer.
Who do you love
more, your mama or me?
Do I have to decide
now? I just got home.
Oh, never mind.
It's obvious that you
would never give me
a gift like that.
Oh, I didn't know
you wanted one.
Honey, of course, I want one!
I want one exactly
like it, only bigger!
Oh, now, don't be silly, honey.
Yours could never be
bigger than mama's.
Oh, I see!
So, your mama is the leader
of the band around here
and I am stuck
playing second fiddle?
Oh, now, Skeeter!
Boy, Iola, I'll tell you what
there is nothin' like havin'
cash in your hand at Raymart.
Thelma, you were
a shoppin' tornado.
It was like goin' for broke
on Sale of the Century.
Well, nothin' pleases me more
than bringin' joy and happiness
to my beloved family.
Bubba, get your butt downstairs!
Vinton, Naomi,
drag it on in here!
Aren't you gonna
wrap their gifts first?
For this bunch? Hell, all
they care about is the loot.
Hey, grandma. What's up?
Come on, hurry up. Get in here.
Well, this had
better be important.
Nothin' is more important
than puttin' a little
sunshine into your lives.
Mama, are you all right?
Never better. I've been
on a little shoppin' spree
and guess who for.
Bubba, this is for you,
I don't know what it is
but the cover was so
repulsive, I figured you'd love it.
Grandma, that's my favorite band
"Spilled Brains"! Ha ha!
It was between them
and "Hairballs from hell."
Wait a second now,
what else we got?
Naomi, could it be?
I think it is.
- Imitation satin bed ensemble.
- Aw!
There you go, sweetie.
Conceive in good health.
Oh, Ms. Harper..
I'm speechless!
Good. Let's keep it that way.
Alrighty Let's see
what else I've got.
I believe that this has
Iola Boylen's name on it.
W-why, Thelma...
I'm so touched..
My own crystal cake stand!
Now, when did you find time
to get this without me knowin'?
When you went lookin' at them
gravity boots for your mother.
I thought maybe I could
hang her up while I vacuum.
Well, let's see, now.
Is there anybody I forgot?
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Well, Vinton, do
you gotta go potty?
Is there somethin' in
there for me, mama?
Yes, there is.
Now, I want you to think back
to breakfast this morning.
What was it you wanted real bad?
Pancakes.
That's close enough.
There you go, baby.
Oh, mama..
My digital solar watch.
Oh, it's even made in Korea.
And lookie here
there's even
somethin' for Thelma
a cordless electric
mixer in pink.
Oh! I feel a meringue comin' on.
Wow, this is great.
We all got somethin' we wanted.
Mama, How come you're bein'
so nice to us all of a sudden?
- Well, it's because of you.
- Me?
Yeah, baby, because
of your generosity.
See, I found the gift that
you were gonna give me.
Has everybody peeked?
Well, I couldn't accept
such a wonderful present
so with the money I got for it
I went back and
bought all these gifts.
Somebody gave you
money for my present?
182 bucks and 50
cents, to be exact.
Oh, I didn't know it
would be worth that much.
Well, isn't that
what you paid for it?
Paid? You told me you made that.
I did.
Oh, honey, come on.
You couldn't possibly make
a bracelet with diamond chips.
What bracelet?
My bracelet. The
one in the buffet!
Mama, that's not your bracelet!
Oh, yes, I read the card!
It said, "To my darlin' mother!"
You're not "My darlin' mother!"
Mrs. Carstairs is!
You bought a bracelet
for Mr. Carstairs' mother?
Not for his mother, his wife!
You bought jewelry
for another man's wife?
I didn't buy anything!
Mr. Carstairs
bought that bracelet
for his wife's 35th anniversary!
He asked me to hide it for him!
You mean, you didn't
buy that bracelet for me?
Mama, I wouldn't spend
that kind of money on you.
My baby!
Oh, brother, I should've known
this was too good to be true!
Mama, how could you
do such a dumb thing?
What am I gonna
say to Mr. Carstairs
when he comes for the bracelet?
Oh, calm down, Vinton.
There's no need to
panic here... Good lord!
I'll accept full responsibility
for this whole mess.
Hello, Mrs. Harper...
Vinton, it's for you.
Mama, what are we gonna do?
Mr. Carstairs is
here for the bracelet.
I know, I just figured
maybe if we're real quiet
he'll think we've
all gone to bed.
Well, that shoots
that theory all to hell.
Look, the rest
of us will stall him
while you and Iola go
back down to Vandercleef's
and buy back that bracelet.
- Good answer, good
answer - We can't.
Vandercleef's closes at 5:00.
Oh, darn, why couldn't he
be like every other husband?
Buy his wife some toilet water
at the All-night Rex-all?
Harper, I know you're in there!
Oh, it's no use.
He's too clever for us.
Mama, open the door.
Well, Mr. Carstairs,
what a pleasant surprise!
- Come on in here.
- It's about time!
I was on the verge
of pickin' the lock.
Okay, Harper, give
me the bracelet.
Uh, y-ya see,
Mr. C-Carstairs i-it's like this...
Oh, Vinton, where
are your manners?
I don't believe that
Mr. Carstairs has met everyone.
Well, you know Vinton
and, of course, his
lovely wife, Naomi.
What's happenin', Mr. Carstairs?
Uh, this is my grandson, Bubba.
- Nice to see ya...
- We've met! We've met!
But I don't believe you
have been formally introduced
to our lovely
neighbor, Iola Boylen.
Oh, well, it is a pleasure
to meet you at long last.
You know, Iola is
a fascinatin' person.
Iola, why don't you go
ahead and tell Mr. Carstairs
all about yourself?
Oh, well, alright.
I was born in the house
right across the street...
And you grew up,
and here you are.
Now, Harper,
where's the bracelet?
I don't have the bracelet.
It's back at Vandercleef's.
What? You took it back
to the store, you nitwit?!
Well, actually, I'm the
nitwit who took it back.
I thought it was a
birthday present for me.
He wouldn't spend that
kind of money on you.
I know!
Well, the card said,
"To my darlin' mother."
I guess I just should have known
it was from a
husband to his wife!
What the hell you
call your kids, anyway?
Grandma and grandpa?
What have you done to me?
I spent $200 on a
bracelet for my wife
and now I have nothing!
Now, don't you
worry, Mr. Carstairs.
I'll write you a check
for the full amount.
Yeah, provided you don't try
to cash it for a couple of days.
Y-you don't understand.
Mother is in the car,
waiting for her gift.
She's not about to
accept a two-party check.
Well, I'm sure she'll understand
if you just explain it to her..
Or maybe not.
Did you hear that honk?
Now, I need a gift,
and I need it now!
I'm sure we've got somethin'
here that mother would love.
Look at this.
Imitation-satin sheets.
- Oh, no...
- Hush up!
This will make a
perfect anniversary gift!
Well, these won't do.
They're for a fold-out sofa.
Well, oh, forget 'em, then.
There's plenty more
where that came from.
Come on, you deadbeats. Give.
I'm sure that mother
already has "Spilled Brains."
One only gives crystal
on the 15th anniversary.
So true. I believe the
35th is somethin' digital.
Oh, mama.
I'll bet your mother would just
love this solar-powered watch.
You know, she can
recharge her batteries
and get a tan at the same time.
You know, this is all wrong!
Why did I let that salesman
talk me into that bracelet?
I should have given her what
she was hintin' for all along.
What's that?
One of those cordless
electric mixers.
No! No!
- Does she like pink?
- No, not my mixer!
- This is for my birthday!
- Mama.
Who knows how many
more I'm gonna have?
Mama, turn it loose.
If you don't, I'm
gonna switch it on.
You, mother-beater.
Thank you. Thank you, Harper.
This.. You're a lifesaver.
And don't worry about
the difference in price.
I'll take that out
of your salary.
Coming, precious!
Shoot. To think I
had my cordless mixer
right here in my hands,
and you gave it to him.
You might as well have
given away my heart.
Oh, now, mama, don't take on so.
Hey, what you
need is a little lift.
I'm gonna give you
my present a day early.
That's a good idea, honey.
Yeah, that ought to
cheer Thelma right up.
Here you go!
Well, it's lovely paper.
I feel better already.
Go ahead, grandma. Open it up.
I made it myself.
Good night, Louise!
What the hell is this?
It's a cocktail belt!
Oh, I get it. You need a
couple drinks to put it on.
Hey, model it for us, grandma.
Well, Vinton, It's a shame
you didn't make it a little longer.
We could have used
it to T.P. The house.
Well, this is just great.
Now all I need's a
six-shooter and the O.K Corral.
You're welcome, mama.
Yeah, you see?
Everything worked
out for the best.
Now each of us has a great gift.
Give me back that watch.
The rest of you fork
over all this junk, too!
The first thing tomorrow,
it's all goin' back!
But you gave it to us!
Yeah, well, I won't
make that mistake again.
From now on, I'm not givin'
my family anything but hell!
This broken-down
eggbeater has just had it.
I might as well be
doin' heavy construction.
More coffee, sweetheart?
No thanks, Skeeter.
If you two are whisperin' about
what to get me for my birthday
you can just knock it off.
I don't want any
gifts this year.
Oh, you have a birthday
comin' up, grandma?
Oh, aren't you the kidder?
As if you didn't
know it's tomorrow.
I mean it, no fancy gifts.
There's nothin' in
the world that I need.
This old broken-down beater
is givin' me a hand cramp.
Bubba, pass the funnies.
If you give me
the sports section.
Iola keeps sayin' I
should get one of them
cordless electric beaters.
Can you imagine that? Cordless.
She said she can
take 'em anywhere.
I could make pancakes out
in the backyard if I wanted.
Who's got Ann Landers?
They come in six
decorator colors
but I like the pink.
Oh, that Snoopy cracks me up.
Iola says that them
cordless beaters in pink
are on sale for $39.95
down at Raymart.
$39.95.
Of course, what the
hell does she know?
Hey, would you look at this?
Raymart is having a huge sale!
Oh, what a surprise!
I wonder what's on page A3.
Listen to this.
Black, imitation-satin
bed ensemble.
"The feel of satin for
the price of polyester!"
Baby, I want this.
Good lord, Naomi.
Fancy sheets on a fold-out sofa?
Black satin goes very
well with green naugahyde.
Please. I want this.
It's only $29.95.
Oh gee, I don't know, Skeeter.
That's an awful lot of money.
$30 is too much to
spend on our love buggy?
Well, fine.
I shall remember
that the next time
you want to thumb a ride.
Phew! Boy, oh, boy!
Sometimes I wonder if
pancakes are worth all this trouble.
Hey, look at this ad!
- The beater?
- No, a digital solar watch.
Wow!
Listen to these features.
"Compass, beeper,
heart rate, and calculator."
It's even got a smoke detector!
It's so important to know
when your arm is on fire.
Only $19.95.
Oh, mama, you've just
got to loan me the money.
Loan you the money?
I might have known you'd be
short of cash at birthday time!
Hey, grandma, what
about our pancakes?
Oh, yeah.
Here you go. Drink up.
Well, what got into her?
Oh, women always get
cranky around their birthdays.
Especially when they've
had as many as mama.
Say, Uncle Vint, what are
you gonna get grandma?
The best present ever.
Go see if she's gone upstairs.
Coast is clear.
Follow me.
Stand guard.
Take a gander at this.
I made it myself.
Holy cow!
What is it?
A cocktail belt.
You know, for dressy occasions.
It's even got her
initials on the buckle.
- "M H"?
- Mama harper.
Uncle Vint..
This is really... unbelievable.
Isn't it?
I’ll tell ya, there is nothin'
like a gift you made yourself
to get mama all teary-eyed.
Yeah, well, if this doesn't
make her cry, nothin' will.
Oh, Bubba, you get that.
I've gotta hide this.
Hey, Mr. Carstairs.
Uncle Vint, your boss is here!
How are ya?
Well, Mr. Carstairs, what
a surprise. Come on in.
This is not a
social call, Harper.
I've got a little problem.
What's wrong?
Lock yourself out of
the key store again?
No, Harper.
As you probably know today's
my wedding anniversary.
Mother and I have been
married for 35 years.
Is that the problem?
No. No. I'm gettin' to it.
You see, every year,
she snoops around
until she finds her
anniversary gift.
And then she laughs and she says
"Oh, daddy, you're
never gonna surprise me!"
Well, this year, I'm gonna
fool the old bloodhound.
You're not gonna buy her a gift?
That key grinder gets to
you after a while, doesn't it?
No, Harper.
This year, I'm gonna hide
mother's anniversary gift
in the one place she'd
never dream I'd leave it.
- Where?
- With you.
- Me?
- Look at that.
Look at that bracelet,
sterling-silver hearts
genuine diamond chips.
Harper, I'm askin'
you to hide $200 worth
of silver and diamonds.
Do you think you can handle it?
Yes, sir. It'll be
in safe hands.
Fine. Fine. I'll
pick it up tonight.
Don't you worry.
You can depend on me.
I cannot believe that Vinton
didn't want this sheet set.
Look at it even
includes pillow shams.
Do they only come in black?
That is what you
need for the satin look.
Oh, I just know
that Vinton and I
could conceive our
baby on these sheets.
Well, at least
they're perma-press.
If you two girls are
doin' any gift wrappin'
I'm about to come in there!
Oh, just sittin' there, huh?
Ooh, Thelma, I need to
borrow your crystal cake stand.
Oh, you do, now?
Makin' a cake, are you?
Uh-huh. Tomorrow's
mother's bridge group.
I thought I'd bake a bundt.
Tomorrow?
The 16th?
That's right. You
don't need it, do you?
Hell, no. Around this house
I'll be lucky to get a
twinkie with a candle in it.
What is your
problem, Ms. Harper?
You were the one who
said no fuss, no gifts.
Yeah, since when
do you listen to me?
Well, what in the world is this?
Oh, Thelma!
That box is from Vandercleef's!
I'm literate, Iola. I can read.
Vandercleef's? Oh,
I love their jewelry.
"To my darlin' mother."
This is from Vinton.
Vinton bought you
something at Vandercleef's?
Well, that precious boy!
Well, I can't wait.
I've got to open it.
Oh, no. You shouldn't.
If she doesn't, I will.
What is in that thing?
Oh, my word!
Oh!
It's Sterlin' silver!
Oh, and those have
got to be diamond chips.
Well, he shouldn't
have done this!
Boy, you can say that again!
How dare he give
diamonds to an old woman
while his wife is stuck
sleeping on worn-out sheets
with a ratty chenille bedspread!
Happy birthday, Mrs. Harper!
Lord, jealousy is an ugly thing.
Oh, Iola, have you ever
seen anything so beautiful?
Oh, not since
princess Di's wedding.
Imagine that precious
boy surprisin' me like this!
Well, I just can't let
him do it. Come on.
Thelma, what are you doin'?
Well, Iola, my only son just
spent a small fortune
on a gift for me.
I'm doin' what any
grateful mother would do.
I'm takin' it back!
Oh, Skeeter, are you
a sight for sore eyes.
I have had me a rough day.
Hold it.
I saw what you're giving
your mama for her birthday.
You peeked in the buffet?
That was supposed
to be a surprise!
Well, it most certainly was!
Vinton, I want an honest answer.
Who do you love
more, your mama or me?
Do I have to decide
now? I just got home.
Oh, never mind.
It's obvious that you
would never give me
a gift like that.
Oh, I didn't know
you wanted one.
Honey, of course, I want one!
I want one exactly
like it, only bigger!
Oh, now, don't be silly, honey.
Yours could never be
bigger than mama's.
Oh, I see!
So, your mama is the leader
of the band around here
and I am stuck
playing second fiddle?
Oh, now, Skeeter!
Boy, Iola, I'll tell you what
there is nothin' like havin'
cash in your hand at Raymart.
Thelma, you were
a shoppin' tornado.
It was like goin' for broke
on Sale of the Century.
Well, nothin' pleases me more
than bringin' joy and happiness
to my beloved family.
Bubba, get your butt downstairs!
Vinton, Naomi,
drag it on in here!
Aren't you gonna
wrap their gifts first?
For this bunch? Hell, all
they care about is the loot.
Hey, grandma. What's up?
Come on, hurry up. Get in here.
Well, this had
better be important.
Nothin' is more important
than puttin' a little
sunshine into your lives.
Mama, are you all right?
Never better. I've been
on a little shoppin' spree
and guess who for.
Bubba, this is for you,
I don't know what it is
but the cover was so
repulsive, I figured you'd love it.
Grandma, that's my favorite band
"Spilled Brains"! Ha ha!
It was between them
and "Hairballs from hell."
Wait a second now,
what else we got?
Naomi, could it be?
I think it is.
- Imitation satin bed ensemble.
- Aw!
There you go, sweetie.
Conceive in good health.
Oh, Ms. Harper..
I'm speechless!
Good. Let's keep it that way.
Alrighty Let's see
what else I've got.
I believe that this has
Iola Boylen's name on it.
W-why, Thelma...
I'm so touched..
My own crystal cake stand!
Now, when did you find time
to get this without me knowin'?
When you went lookin' at them
gravity boots for your mother.
I thought maybe I could
hang her up while I vacuum.
Well, let's see, now.
Is there anybody I forgot?
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Well, Vinton, do
you gotta go potty?
Is there somethin' in
there for me, mama?
Yes, there is.
Now, I want you to think back
to breakfast this morning.
What was it you wanted real bad?
Pancakes.
That's close enough.
There you go, baby.
Oh, mama..
My digital solar watch.
Oh, it's even made in Korea.
And lookie here
there's even
somethin' for Thelma
a cordless electric
mixer in pink.
Oh! I feel a meringue comin' on.
Wow, this is great.
We all got somethin' we wanted.
Mama, How come you're bein'
so nice to us all of a sudden?
- Well, it's because of you.
- Me?
Yeah, baby, because
of your generosity.
See, I found the gift that
you were gonna give me.
Has everybody peeked?
Well, I couldn't accept
such a wonderful present
so with the money I got for it
I went back and
bought all these gifts.
Somebody gave you
money for my present?
182 bucks and 50
cents, to be exact.
Oh, I didn't know it
would be worth that much.
Well, isn't that
what you paid for it?
Paid? You told me you made that.
I did.
Oh, honey, come on.
You couldn't possibly make
a bracelet with diamond chips.
What bracelet?
My bracelet. The
one in the buffet!
Mama, that's not your bracelet!
Oh, yes, I read the card!
It said, "To my darlin' mother!"
You're not "My darlin' mother!"
Mrs. Carstairs is!
You bought a bracelet
for Mr. Carstairs' mother?
Not for his mother, his wife!
You bought jewelry
for another man's wife?
I didn't buy anything!
Mr. Carstairs
bought that bracelet
for his wife's 35th anniversary!
He asked me to hide it for him!
You mean, you didn't
buy that bracelet for me?
Mama, I wouldn't spend
that kind of money on you.
My baby!
Oh, brother, I should've known
this was too good to be true!
Mama, how could you
do such a dumb thing?
What am I gonna
say to Mr. Carstairs
when he comes for the bracelet?
Oh, calm down, Vinton.
There's no need to
panic here... Good lord!
I'll accept full responsibility
for this whole mess.
Hello, Mrs. Harper...
Vinton, it's for you.
Mama, what are we gonna do?
Mr. Carstairs is
here for the bracelet.
I know, I just figured
maybe if we're real quiet
he'll think we've
all gone to bed.
Well, that shoots
that theory all to hell.
Look, the rest
of us will stall him
while you and Iola go
back down to Vandercleef's
and buy back that bracelet.
- Good answer, good
answer - We can't.
Vandercleef's closes at 5:00.
Oh, darn, why couldn't he
be like every other husband?
Buy his wife some toilet water
at the All-night Rex-all?
Harper, I know you're in there!
Oh, it's no use.
He's too clever for us.
Mama, open the door.
Well, Mr. Carstairs,
what a pleasant surprise!
- Come on in here.
- It's about time!
I was on the verge
of pickin' the lock.
Okay, Harper, give
me the bracelet.
Uh, y-ya see,
Mr. C-Carstairs i-it's like this...
Oh, Vinton, where
are your manners?
I don't believe that
Mr. Carstairs has met everyone.
Well, you know Vinton
and, of course, his
lovely wife, Naomi.
What's happenin', Mr. Carstairs?
Uh, this is my grandson, Bubba.
- Nice to see ya...
- We've met! We've met!
But I don't believe you
have been formally introduced
to our lovely
neighbor, Iola Boylen.
Oh, well, it is a pleasure
to meet you at long last.
You know, Iola is
a fascinatin' person.
Iola, why don't you go
ahead and tell Mr. Carstairs
all about yourself?
Oh, well, alright.
I was born in the house
right across the street...
And you grew up,
and here you are.
Now, Harper,
where's the bracelet?
I don't have the bracelet.
It's back at Vandercleef's.
What? You took it back
to the store, you nitwit?!
Well, actually, I'm the
nitwit who took it back.
I thought it was a
birthday present for me.
He wouldn't spend that
kind of money on you.
I know!
Well, the card said,
"To my darlin' mother."
I guess I just should have known
it was from a
husband to his wife!
What the hell you
call your kids, anyway?
Grandma and grandpa?
What have you done to me?
I spent $200 on a
bracelet for my wife
and now I have nothing!
Now, don't you
worry, Mr. Carstairs.
I'll write you a check
for the full amount.
Yeah, provided you don't try
to cash it for a couple of days.
Y-you don't understand.
Mother is in the car,
waiting for her gift.
She's not about to
accept a two-party check.
Well, I'm sure she'll understand
if you just explain it to her..
Or maybe not.
Did you hear that honk?
Now, I need a gift,
and I need it now!
I'm sure we've got somethin'
here that mother would love.
Look at this.
Imitation-satin sheets.
- Oh, no...
- Hush up!
This will make a
perfect anniversary gift!
Well, these won't do.
They're for a fold-out sofa.
Well, oh, forget 'em, then.
There's plenty more
where that came from.
Come on, you deadbeats. Give.
I'm sure that mother
already has "Spilled Brains."
One only gives crystal
on the 15th anniversary.
So true. I believe the
35th is somethin' digital.
Oh, mama.
I'll bet your mother would just
love this solar-powered watch.
You know, she can
recharge her batteries
and get a tan at the same time.
You know, this is all wrong!
Why did I let that salesman
talk me into that bracelet?
I should have given her what
she was hintin' for all along.
What's that?
One of those cordless
electric mixers.
No! No!
- Does she like pink?
- No, not my mixer!
- This is for my birthday!
- Mama.
Who knows how many
more I'm gonna have?
Mama, turn it loose.
If you don't, I'm
gonna switch it on.
You, mother-beater.
Thank you. Thank you, Harper.
This.. You're a lifesaver.
And don't worry about
the difference in price.
I'll take that out
of your salary.
Coming, precious!
Shoot. To think I
had my cordless mixer
right here in my hands,
and you gave it to him.
You might as well have
given away my heart.
Oh, now, mama, don't take on so.
Hey, what you
need is a little lift.
I'm gonna give you
my present a day early.
That's a good idea, honey.
Yeah, that ought to
cheer Thelma right up.
Here you go!
Well, it's lovely paper.
I feel better already.
Go ahead, grandma. Open it up.
I made it myself.
Good night, Louise!
What the hell is this?
It's a cocktail belt!
Oh, I get it. You need a
couple drinks to put it on.
Hey, model it for us, grandma.
Well, Vinton, It's a shame
you didn't make it a little longer.
We could have used
it to T.P. The house.
Well, this is just great.
Now all I need's a
six-shooter and the O.K Corral.
You're welcome, mama.
Yeah, you see?
Everything worked
out for the best.
Now each of us has a great gift.
Give me back that watch.
The rest of you fork
over all this junk, too!
The first thing tomorrow,
it's all goin' back!
But you gave it to us!
Yeah, well, I won't
make that mistake again.
From now on, I'm not givin'
my family anything but hell!