Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 5, Episode 4 - The Really Loud Family - full transcript
Bubba has a class project: to make a video about his family. The Harpers and Iola are happy to participate. But a short in the camera makes for awkward moments, as everyone's comments come out differently than intended.
Ow! Oh.
Get out of the way.
Good Lord.
Where in the world is Bubba?
He should've been home
from school hours ago.
Maybe he's at the college
library crackin' those books.
More than likely he's on some
corner crackin' his knuckles.
I'm not runnin' a
college cafeteria.
This is one pleasant family
meal he's just gonna miss out on.
Pass the damn rolls.
Oh, no. Fish again?
Quit complaining,
Vinton. Fish is brain food.
I'll give you a double portion.
- I'll get it.
- Don't answer that phone.
I've been lettin' it
ring all day long.
It's that pest
Roselle Huplander.
How do you know it's Roselle?
Because it is
toys-for-orphans time again
and I'm not about to let Roselle
rope me into headin' up
that toy drive again this year.
I thought you liked orphans.
Of course I like orphans.
Who the hell doesn't?
I'm ticked off at Roselle.
I'm tired of being her patsy.
I do all the work, and
she gets all the glory.
But, Ms. Harper, that might
have been somebody important.
Nobody important
is gonna be callin' us.
Knock, knock! I
just tried callin' you.
See?
Somethin' wrong with your phone?
No. Pull up a chair, Iola.
Oh! I told mother somebody
in the neighborhood
was cookin' fish.
Thelma, I ran into
Roselle Huplander today
and she and I decided you
would be the perfect choice
to head up the
toys-for-orphans drive.
Iola, with friends like
you, who needs family?
Hey, everybody.
Guess what I got?
A plateful of cold crappie.
Where have you been?
I had to stay after class.
I tried callin' but
nobody answered.
Don't look at me.
It's Roselle's fault.
I was learnin' how to
use the school camera.
I have to make a video
for my sociology class.
It better not be one of
them trashy music videos
with a bunch of misfits in
spandex gyratin' in the fog.
No, grandma.
Each student has to make a
video about their own family.
That is so exciting, Bubba.
I would love to
be in your video.
Yeah, and the best three videos
are gonna be aired
on Public-Access TV.
- Wow.
- Television?
Why didn't you say
so in the first place?
Shoot, I gotta go make me an
appointment at the beauty spa.
No, no, grandma. Don't
do anything special.
I want to capture you
just the way you are.
I'm not about to be captured
without my blue rinse.
But don't you worry.
If just plain Harpers
is what you want
just plain Harpers
is what you'll get.
Okay, let's take
it from the top.
In five, four, three,
two, one. Action!
Uh, mama, would you please
pass me some more
of that delicious fish?
I would love to
have another helping.
I would be more than happy
to, Vinton, my one and only son.
I just love cookin'
for my family.
They bring me such joy.
- Cut!
- What's the matter?
Did Vinton screw it up again?
No. Grandma, you gotta
quit lookin' into the camera.
Will the rest of you please
act the way you always do?
Oh, Bubba. We're
doing the best we can.
Yeah, it's not easy carryin'
mama in every scene.
Me!
I'm barely even in this thing
with you feedin' your face
and blondie over here
showin' off her shoulders.
Please! Now can
we try this again?
- Fine!
- Fine.
I bet you Ronnie Howard
isn't this hard to work with.
And... action!
Naomi, dear, would
you care for a piece
of my delicious pecan pie?
Why, thank you so
much, Ms. Harper.
I would be most grateful.
Ding, dong!
Aw! Look who's here.
It's our favorite
neighbor Iola Boylen.
Won't you please
come join us, dear?
Thank you, Thelma.
You are such a
wonderful hostess.
Mama, may I
please leave the table
to answer the phone?
Yes, Vinton, you may.
Why, Thelma, your children
are so well mannered.
Thank you, Iola. How well
mannered of you to notice.
Harper residence.
Oh, uh, one moment, please.
Mama, Roselle
Huplander is on the line.
Uh, I think that must be
a wrong number, dear.
I-I-I don't know
anybody by that name.
Hang up.
Sure you know her, mama.
She's callin' about
the toys for orphans.
Oh, that Roselle Huplander.
Hello, Roselle.
Well, yeah.. What can I say?
I couldn't refuse
if I wanted to.
Yeah.. My family will
be more than happy
to pitch in and help, too.
Say what?
The truck will be
dumpin' all the broken toys
on my front lawn tomorrow
mornin' at 6:00 a.m.
Oh, goody.
Same to you, dear. Bye-bye.
Hey, this is weird.
The red light went off.
Darn, I bet it didn't take
half of that telephone
conversation.
You mean I just said yes
to fixin' a lawn full
of trashed-out toys
and you didn't get it?
What kind of a fly-by-night
director are you?
Relax, grandma.
We can just reshoot it.
Forget your reshoot!
If you need me, I'll be
in my dressing room.
Well, goodnight.
My front lawn looks like
an explosion at Toys "R" Us.
Hold that position, grandma!
Ah, I told you I don't have
any time for home movies now.
I've only got two weeks to fix
all these toys for
my little orphans.
But I'm just shootin'
some new stuff.
Most everything I got
yesterday was unusable.
What about my big
scene bonin' the crappie?
Can't use any
of it. It's too fake.
I want realism.
I want everybody
to just act natural.
Fine, Ingmar, here's natural.
Get the hell off my porch!
Well..
Good Lord.
If I had a face like that,
I'd hide in a box, too.
Hey, Aunt Naomi, you and that
doll would make a great scene.
Keep workin' on her.
Okay, Bubba. I just
love playing with dolls.
If Vinton and I ever
have a daughter
I'm gonna buy
her dozens of dolls.
In fact, I'm gonna buy her
everything that I never had.
Like what?
Well, like a pet of
her own, for one thing.
I'll never forget one time when
I was about eight-years-old.
The cutest little mutt followed
me home from school one day.
I named him
Marlon.. After Brando.
Even as a child, I
knew who was hot.
Well, my parents didn't
want me to keep him
but I didn't care
what my folks said.
Every night I'd leave
my window open
and Marlon would
sneak into my room.
He'd sleep in my
bed all night long.
I would rub his belly,
and he would lick my face.
So you can bet that
when I have a little girl
I'm gonna get her the
cutest little puppy I can find.
Cut! Print!
Aunt Naomi, a star is born.
Oh.
Boy, Uncle Vint, you sure
are good with your hands.
Yeah, I know. It's a gift.
Maybe I can turn this
into a toy wheelbarrow.
So, where did you
learn how to fix things?
Oh, I guess you
could say from mama.
Seems like every time daddy
went out of town on business
somethin' around
the house would break
and mama would try to fix it.
This old wagon
reminds me of the time
she tried to plaster
the bathroom ceiling.
She had mixed up the
plaster in my old wagon
and wheeled it into
the bathroom, see?
Well, there she was
standin' on the toilet
plasterin' away, when she
stepped back to admire her work
and put her foot
right into the wagon.
Well, sir, the
wheels started rollin'
the plaster went flyin', and
mama fell off the wagon.
Well, there was
plaster on the bathtub
on the sink, and mama.
She got completely plastered.
What a mess.
That's when she
started havin' men in
to do the household repairs.
Of course, she made us
kids swear not to tell daddy.
He'd come home and
he'd think he was married
to the greatest repairwoman
since Josephine the Plumber.
And that..
Bubba, hand me those ice skates.
I'm gonna turn this
sucker into a sled.
Ms. Boylen, how come there
are so many chairs in dollhouses?
I mean, you never really see
the dolls sitting around in 'em.
Well, the chairs
aren't for the dolls
who live in the house, Bubba.
They're for company.
Oh.
Ms. Boylen, did
you have a dollhouse
when you were a little girl?
Oh, better than that.
I had a doll hospital.
It had its own tiny,
little, emergency room.
I became such a
good dolly doctor.
Your grandma asked me
over to see what I could do
about your Aunt Ellen's
and Eunice's old dolls.
I'll never forget the shock
when Thelma took me
into her daughters' bedroom
and I first saw
those pitiful dolls.
Those poor things had
been totally neglected.
They were dirty, their
clothes were in rags.
I don't think their hair
had been brushed in years.
One of them could
hardly say mama
and the Betsy Wetsy
was dry as a bone.
I asked Thelma how she
could stand to see them that way
and she said, “if that's the
way they wanna treat their dolls
"it's fine with me."
"Why should I clean them up?"
"They'll just get dirty again."
Well, I cleaned them
up just as good as new.
Unfortunately, the next day
Eunice decided to
play Joan of Arc..
She burned them at the stake.
Bubba, which one
of these paintings
do you think is better
for the game room?
The Matisse or the
dogs playin' cards?
Well, bless your heart,
you're the first teddy bear
I've ever seen with
male pattern baldness.
Well, Ted, we got no
time for transplants here.
You're just gonna have to
settle for some shoe polish.
Oh, hey, that looks
good, grandma. Keep it up.
Bubba, I told you
I hate that camera.
Come on. Just
pretend it's not here.
Just start talkin'.
- About what?
- I don't know. Anything.
I don't know about
anything but my family.
So talk about them.
Well, the truth is, when
I think about my family
my kids and all their kids,
it kind of chokes me up.
I really mean it.
I know none of us have
ever set the world on fire..
Except for Cousin Oscar
and that was just
a service station.
Still, in all, I'm real
proud of us Harpers.
And when I think of
what has happened
to the family unit nowadays,
it just turns my stomach.
Husbands beatin' their wives..
Wives cheatin'
on their husbands..
Kids stealin' and runnin' wild.
And you know where
I place all the blame?
On all these TV shows that
are supposed to be so funny.
They've all got kids
bein' raised by everybody
but their parents.
One program, there's
a butler raisin' the kids.
Another one's got an
aunt raisin' Rhoda's kids.
There's even a program
with three guys raisin' kids.
You don't know
where they came from.
It might be alright with
those network honchos
but it does not sit
right with this old lady.
I guess some people might
say that I'm a failure as a mother
but when all of my children
gather 'round at Christmas
before the mood turns ugly
they always say, mama,
you're the greatest.
And I would have
to agree with them.
Oh-h-h!
Good Lord. What now?
That sounded like Vint.
Ms. Harper, come quick!
Oh!
What in the world are you doin'?
Oh, it was horrible.
He tried out that pair
of Mr. Springy feet
and the next thing I knew
he was flyin' through the air.
Vint, are you alright?
Yeah, I think so.
Lucky thing I landed
in all these stuffed toys.
Lucky for who? These are
all the toys we've already fixed.
Ow!
Take those things
off so I can hit you.
It's not his fault, Ms. Harper.
You were the one who
told him to work on the toys.
Well, it isn't me,
it's that fat pain
in the butt Roselle Huplander.
I swear. If I could get my hands
around it, I'd wring her neck.
Good Lor.. Yo, Hitchcock,
you gettin' all this?
Bubba, hurry up and get in here!
Your video's on next!
Okay. I had to get extra
butter flavoring on the popcorn.
That last student
video was so sweet.
Can you imagine that
entire family getting together
to surprise their parents
on their 60th anniversary?
Yeah, what really got to me
was when they danced
the anniversary waltz
in their walkers.
Well, just wait till they see me
handin' out all those
toys to the orphans.
There won't be a
dry eye in the house.
Sorry, grandma, but I didn't get
any footage from the orphanage.
Those were some
of my best moments.
I know, but it turned out there
was a short in the camera.
It kept turning
itself on and off.
It only recorded about
half of what I shot.
Well, thanks a lot,
Bubba Spielberg.
But don't worry, grandma.
According to Professor Colby
mine was the most honest,
dynamic and, revealing video
in the whole class.
Yeah? Probably
the shortest, too.
Shh, shh! It's starting.
The camera sure didn't short out
when it came to putting
your name on this thing.
This is a video about
the Harper family
up close and personal.
This is my Aunt Naomi
talking about love.
Even when I was a
child I knew who was hot.
Every night I'd leave
my window open
and Marlon would
sneak into my room.
He'd sleep in my
bed all night long.
I rubbed his belly, and
he would lick my face.
What the hell kind
of smut is that?
Yeah, who is this Marlon?
He was my little puppy,
but Bubba took that part out.
It wasn't my fault.
It was the camera.
Didn't you think it was
dynamic and revealing? Whoo!
No! Bubba, you've
ruined my reputation.
Oh, what reputation, you tramp?
Here's my Uncle Vint
with a childhood memory
of my grandmother,
Mrs. Thelma Harper.
It seems like every time
daddy went out of town
mama fell off the wagon.
She got completely
plastered. What a mess.
That's when she
started havin' men in.
Of course, she made us
kids swear not to tell daddy.
So now who is the tramp?
Vinton, I'm gonna kill you.
You made me out to be a lush.
Mama, that's not
the story I told.
Oh, shut up! Go
get me another beer.
Iola Boylen has lived across
the street from our family
all of her life.
Here she gives us an
impression of what it's like
to be the Harper's neighbor.
I'll never forget the shock
when Thelma took me
into her daughters' bedroom.
Those poor things had
been totally neglected.
They were dirty, their
clothes were in rags.
I don't think their hair
had been brushed in years.
I asked Thelma how she could
stand to see them that way.
She said, why should
I clean them up?
They'll just get dirty again.
I'm just lovin' this.
First, I'm a lush. Now,
I'm an abusive mother.
- Give me my beer!
- Ah.
Now, Thelma, let me explain.
Just never mind. You've said
enough. The camera never lies.
Here I am. Alright.
Now we're gonna hear the truth.
And finally, this is the head
of our family, Thelma Harper.
Grandma has been like
a second mother to me.
It's from her that I learned
the importance of family.
When I think about my family
my kids and all of their kids..
It just turns my stomach.
Husbands beating their wives..
Wives cheating
on their husbands..
Kids stealin' and runnin' wild.
And you know where
I place all the blame?
Right with this old lady.
I guess, some people might
say I'm a failure as a mother.
And I would have
to agree with them.
Oh, now, mama. Don't
be so hard on yourself.
You're not that bad a mother.
I know that, you pea brain!
Cecil B. Demoron
put words in my mouth.
Oh, my. He's even got
us fightin' in the yard.
It's not Vinton's
fault, Ms. Harper.
You were the one who told
him to work on those toys.
It wasn't me. It's that fat pain
in the butt Roselle Huplander.
I swear, if I could get my hands
around it, I'd wring her neck.
Turn that damn thing off!
Good Lord! How am I ever gonna
show my face in this town again?
It was only Public Access.
Maybe nobody else saw it.
That's probably nobody now.
Hello?
Oh, hello, Roselle.
How nice of you to call.
Yeah, there was a
little short in the ca...
Yeah, I-I know, but you..
Well, fine! If that's the
way you feel, then so be it!
Oh, Thelma, what did she say?
She said I'm never gonna head
up another charity drive again.
Sorry, grandma.
Sorry, hell! Turn
that sucker back on!
Go on! With any luck
it's gonna get me out of
the church bazaar, too.
Get out of the way.
Good Lord.
Where in the world is Bubba?
He should've been home
from school hours ago.
Maybe he's at the college
library crackin' those books.
More than likely he's on some
corner crackin' his knuckles.
I'm not runnin' a
college cafeteria.
This is one pleasant family
meal he's just gonna miss out on.
Pass the damn rolls.
Oh, no. Fish again?
Quit complaining,
Vinton. Fish is brain food.
I'll give you a double portion.
- I'll get it.
- Don't answer that phone.
I've been lettin' it
ring all day long.
It's that pest
Roselle Huplander.
How do you know it's Roselle?
Because it is
toys-for-orphans time again
and I'm not about to let Roselle
rope me into headin' up
that toy drive again this year.
I thought you liked orphans.
Of course I like orphans.
Who the hell doesn't?
I'm ticked off at Roselle.
I'm tired of being her patsy.
I do all the work, and
she gets all the glory.
But, Ms. Harper, that might
have been somebody important.
Nobody important
is gonna be callin' us.
Knock, knock! I
just tried callin' you.
See?
Somethin' wrong with your phone?
No. Pull up a chair, Iola.
Oh! I told mother somebody
in the neighborhood
was cookin' fish.
Thelma, I ran into
Roselle Huplander today
and she and I decided you
would be the perfect choice
to head up the
toys-for-orphans drive.
Iola, with friends like
you, who needs family?
Hey, everybody.
Guess what I got?
A plateful of cold crappie.
Where have you been?
I had to stay after class.
I tried callin' but
nobody answered.
Don't look at me.
It's Roselle's fault.
I was learnin' how to
use the school camera.
I have to make a video
for my sociology class.
It better not be one of
them trashy music videos
with a bunch of misfits in
spandex gyratin' in the fog.
No, grandma.
Each student has to make a
video about their own family.
That is so exciting, Bubba.
I would love to
be in your video.
Yeah, and the best three videos
are gonna be aired
on Public-Access TV.
- Wow.
- Television?
Why didn't you say
so in the first place?
Shoot, I gotta go make me an
appointment at the beauty spa.
No, no, grandma. Don't
do anything special.
I want to capture you
just the way you are.
I'm not about to be captured
without my blue rinse.
But don't you worry.
If just plain Harpers
is what you want
just plain Harpers
is what you'll get.
Okay, let's take
it from the top.
In five, four, three,
two, one. Action!
Uh, mama, would you please
pass me some more
of that delicious fish?
I would love to
have another helping.
I would be more than happy
to, Vinton, my one and only son.
I just love cookin'
for my family.
They bring me such joy.
- Cut!
- What's the matter?
Did Vinton screw it up again?
No. Grandma, you gotta
quit lookin' into the camera.
Will the rest of you please
act the way you always do?
Oh, Bubba. We're
doing the best we can.
Yeah, it's not easy carryin'
mama in every scene.
Me!
I'm barely even in this thing
with you feedin' your face
and blondie over here
showin' off her shoulders.
Please! Now can
we try this again?
- Fine!
- Fine.
I bet you Ronnie Howard
isn't this hard to work with.
And... action!
Naomi, dear, would
you care for a piece
of my delicious pecan pie?
Why, thank you so
much, Ms. Harper.
I would be most grateful.
Ding, dong!
Aw! Look who's here.
It's our favorite
neighbor Iola Boylen.
Won't you please
come join us, dear?
Thank you, Thelma.
You are such a
wonderful hostess.
Mama, may I
please leave the table
to answer the phone?
Yes, Vinton, you may.
Why, Thelma, your children
are so well mannered.
Thank you, Iola. How well
mannered of you to notice.
Harper residence.
Oh, uh, one moment, please.
Mama, Roselle
Huplander is on the line.
Uh, I think that must be
a wrong number, dear.
I-I-I don't know
anybody by that name.
Hang up.
Sure you know her, mama.
She's callin' about
the toys for orphans.
Oh, that Roselle Huplander.
Hello, Roselle.
Well, yeah.. What can I say?
I couldn't refuse
if I wanted to.
Yeah.. My family will
be more than happy
to pitch in and help, too.
Say what?
The truck will be
dumpin' all the broken toys
on my front lawn tomorrow
mornin' at 6:00 a.m.
Oh, goody.
Same to you, dear. Bye-bye.
Hey, this is weird.
The red light went off.
Darn, I bet it didn't take
half of that telephone
conversation.
You mean I just said yes
to fixin' a lawn full
of trashed-out toys
and you didn't get it?
What kind of a fly-by-night
director are you?
Relax, grandma.
We can just reshoot it.
Forget your reshoot!
If you need me, I'll be
in my dressing room.
Well, goodnight.
My front lawn looks like
an explosion at Toys "R" Us.
Hold that position, grandma!
Ah, I told you I don't have
any time for home movies now.
I've only got two weeks to fix
all these toys for
my little orphans.
But I'm just shootin'
some new stuff.
Most everything I got
yesterday was unusable.
What about my big
scene bonin' the crappie?
Can't use any
of it. It's too fake.
I want realism.
I want everybody
to just act natural.
Fine, Ingmar, here's natural.
Get the hell off my porch!
Well..
Good Lord.
If I had a face like that,
I'd hide in a box, too.
Hey, Aunt Naomi, you and that
doll would make a great scene.
Keep workin' on her.
Okay, Bubba. I just
love playing with dolls.
If Vinton and I ever
have a daughter
I'm gonna buy
her dozens of dolls.
In fact, I'm gonna buy her
everything that I never had.
Like what?
Well, like a pet of
her own, for one thing.
I'll never forget one time when
I was about eight-years-old.
The cutest little mutt followed
me home from school one day.
I named him
Marlon.. After Brando.
Even as a child, I
knew who was hot.
Well, my parents didn't
want me to keep him
but I didn't care
what my folks said.
Every night I'd leave
my window open
and Marlon would
sneak into my room.
He'd sleep in my
bed all night long.
I would rub his belly,
and he would lick my face.
So you can bet that
when I have a little girl
I'm gonna get her the
cutest little puppy I can find.
Cut! Print!
Aunt Naomi, a star is born.
Oh.
Boy, Uncle Vint, you sure
are good with your hands.
Yeah, I know. It's a gift.
Maybe I can turn this
into a toy wheelbarrow.
So, where did you
learn how to fix things?
Oh, I guess you
could say from mama.
Seems like every time daddy
went out of town on business
somethin' around
the house would break
and mama would try to fix it.
This old wagon
reminds me of the time
she tried to plaster
the bathroom ceiling.
She had mixed up the
plaster in my old wagon
and wheeled it into
the bathroom, see?
Well, there she was
standin' on the toilet
plasterin' away, when she
stepped back to admire her work
and put her foot
right into the wagon.
Well, sir, the
wheels started rollin'
the plaster went flyin', and
mama fell off the wagon.
Well, there was
plaster on the bathtub
on the sink, and mama.
She got completely plastered.
What a mess.
That's when she
started havin' men in
to do the household repairs.
Of course, she made us
kids swear not to tell daddy.
He'd come home and
he'd think he was married
to the greatest repairwoman
since Josephine the Plumber.
And that..
Bubba, hand me those ice skates.
I'm gonna turn this
sucker into a sled.
Ms. Boylen, how come there
are so many chairs in dollhouses?
I mean, you never really see
the dolls sitting around in 'em.
Well, the chairs
aren't for the dolls
who live in the house, Bubba.
They're for company.
Oh.
Ms. Boylen, did
you have a dollhouse
when you were a little girl?
Oh, better than that.
I had a doll hospital.
It had its own tiny,
little, emergency room.
I became such a
good dolly doctor.
Your grandma asked me
over to see what I could do
about your Aunt Ellen's
and Eunice's old dolls.
I'll never forget the shock
when Thelma took me
into her daughters' bedroom
and I first saw
those pitiful dolls.
Those poor things had
been totally neglected.
They were dirty, their
clothes were in rags.
I don't think their hair
had been brushed in years.
One of them could
hardly say mama
and the Betsy Wetsy
was dry as a bone.
I asked Thelma how she
could stand to see them that way
and she said, “if that's the
way they wanna treat their dolls
"it's fine with me."
"Why should I clean them up?"
"They'll just get dirty again."
Well, I cleaned them
up just as good as new.
Unfortunately, the next day
Eunice decided to
play Joan of Arc..
She burned them at the stake.
Bubba, which one
of these paintings
do you think is better
for the game room?
The Matisse or the
dogs playin' cards?
Well, bless your heart,
you're the first teddy bear
I've ever seen with
male pattern baldness.
Well, Ted, we got no
time for transplants here.
You're just gonna have to
settle for some shoe polish.
Oh, hey, that looks
good, grandma. Keep it up.
Bubba, I told you
I hate that camera.
Come on. Just
pretend it's not here.
Just start talkin'.
- About what?
- I don't know. Anything.
I don't know about
anything but my family.
So talk about them.
Well, the truth is, when
I think about my family
my kids and all their kids,
it kind of chokes me up.
I really mean it.
I know none of us have
ever set the world on fire..
Except for Cousin Oscar
and that was just
a service station.
Still, in all, I'm real
proud of us Harpers.
And when I think of
what has happened
to the family unit nowadays,
it just turns my stomach.
Husbands beatin' their wives..
Wives cheatin'
on their husbands..
Kids stealin' and runnin' wild.
And you know where
I place all the blame?
On all these TV shows that
are supposed to be so funny.
They've all got kids
bein' raised by everybody
but their parents.
One program, there's
a butler raisin' the kids.
Another one's got an
aunt raisin' Rhoda's kids.
There's even a program
with three guys raisin' kids.
You don't know
where they came from.
It might be alright with
those network honchos
but it does not sit
right with this old lady.
I guess some people might
say that I'm a failure as a mother
but when all of my children
gather 'round at Christmas
before the mood turns ugly
they always say, mama,
you're the greatest.
And I would have
to agree with them.
Oh-h-h!
Good Lord. What now?
That sounded like Vint.
Ms. Harper, come quick!
Oh!
What in the world are you doin'?
Oh, it was horrible.
He tried out that pair
of Mr. Springy feet
and the next thing I knew
he was flyin' through the air.
Vint, are you alright?
Yeah, I think so.
Lucky thing I landed
in all these stuffed toys.
Lucky for who? These are
all the toys we've already fixed.
Ow!
Take those things
off so I can hit you.
It's not his fault, Ms. Harper.
You were the one who
told him to work on the toys.
Well, it isn't me,
it's that fat pain
in the butt Roselle Huplander.
I swear. If I could get my hands
around it, I'd wring her neck.
Good Lor.. Yo, Hitchcock,
you gettin' all this?
Bubba, hurry up and get in here!
Your video's on next!
Okay. I had to get extra
butter flavoring on the popcorn.
That last student
video was so sweet.
Can you imagine that
entire family getting together
to surprise their parents
on their 60th anniversary?
Yeah, what really got to me
was when they danced
the anniversary waltz
in their walkers.
Well, just wait till they see me
handin' out all those
toys to the orphans.
There won't be a
dry eye in the house.
Sorry, grandma, but I didn't get
any footage from the orphanage.
Those were some
of my best moments.
I know, but it turned out there
was a short in the camera.
It kept turning
itself on and off.
It only recorded about
half of what I shot.
Well, thanks a lot,
Bubba Spielberg.
But don't worry, grandma.
According to Professor Colby
mine was the most honest,
dynamic and, revealing video
in the whole class.
Yeah? Probably
the shortest, too.
Shh, shh! It's starting.
The camera sure didn't short out
when it came to putting
your name on this thing.
This is a video about
the Harper family
up close and personal.
This is my Aunt Naomi
talking about love.
Even when I was a
child I knew who was hot.
Every night I'd leave
my window open
and Marlon would
sneak into my room.
He'd sleep in my
bed all night long.
I rubbed his belly, and
he would lick my face.
What the hell kind
of smut is that?
Yeah, who is this Marlon?
He was my little puppy,
but Bubba took that part out.
It wasn't my fault.
It was the camera.
Didn't you think it was
dynamic and revealing? Whoo!
No! Bubba, you've
ruined my reputation.
Oh, what reputation, you tramp?
Here's my Uncle Vint
with a childhood memory
of my grandmother,
Mrs. Thelma Harper.
It seems like every time
daddy went out of town
mama fell off the wagon.
She got completely
plastered. What a mess.
That's when she
started havin' men in.
Of course, she made us
kids swear not to tell daddy.
So now who is the tramp?
Vinton, I'm gonna kill you.
You made me out to be a lush.
Mama, that's not
the story I told.
Oh, shut up! Go
get me another beer.
Iola Boylen has lived across
the street from our family
all of her life.
Here she gives us an
impression of what it's like
to be the Harper's neighbor.
I'll never forget the shock
when Thelma took me
into her daughters' bedroom.
Those poor things had
been totally neglected.
They were dirty, their
clothes were in rags.
I don't think their hair
had been brushed in years.
I asked Thelma how she could
stand to see them that way.
She said, why should
I clean them up?
They'll just get dirty again.
I'm just lovin' this.
First, I'm a lush. Now,
I'm an abusive mother.
- Give me my beer!
- Ah.
Now, Thelma, let me explain.
Just never mind. You've said
enough. The camera never lies.
Here I am. Alright.
Now we're gonna hear the truth.
And finally, this is the head
of our family, Thelma Harper.
Grandma has been like
a second mother to me.
It's from her that I learned
the importance of family.
When I think about my family
my kids and all of their kids..
It just turns my stomach.
Husbands beating their wives..
Wives cheating
on their husbands..
Kids stealin' and runnin' wild.
And you know where
I place all the blame?
Right with this old lady.
I guess, some people might
say I'm a failure as a mother.
And I would have
to agree with them.
Oh, now, mama. Don't
be so hard on yourself.
You're not that bad a mother.
I know that, you pea brain!
Cecil B. Demoron
put words in my mouth.
Oh, my. He's even got
us fightin' in the yard.
It's not Vinton's
fault, Ms. Harper.
You were the one who told
him to work on those toys.
It wasn't me. It's that fat pain
in the butt Roselle Huplander.
I swear, if I could get my hands
around it, I'd wring her neck.
Turn that damn thing off!
Good Lord! How am I ever gonna
show my face in this town again?
It was only Public Access.
Maybe nobody else saw it.
That's probably nobody now.
Hello?
Oh, hello, Roselle.
How nice of you to call.
Yeah, there was a
little short in the ca...
Yeah, I-I know, but you..
Well, fine! If that's the
way you feel, then so be it!
Oh, Thelma, what did she say?
She said I'm never gonna head
up another charity drive again.
Sorry, grandma.
Sorry, hell! Turn
that sucker back on!
Go on! With any luck
it's gonna get me out of
the church bazaar, too.