Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 5, Episode 3 - Goodbye Kitty - full transcript

Got my keys.

Got my wallet. What...?

Ah...

Grocery list.

You know the drill.

Mommy never knows.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪



♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

Stevie, for the last time,

I'm not going to
partner up with you

for wheelchair basketball.

I smell... chicken.

I'm not in a wheelchair.

It's creepy.

It's taking a spot from somebody



who's really handicapped.

Why don't you ask
that drooling kid

with the hot nurse?

Norm's... a ball hog.

Hello, boys. Mr. Kenarban,

don't you think it's
ethically suspect

for someone to participate
in wheelchair basketball

if they're not
actually handicapped?

Even if his best
friend needs to win...

for his mother?

Son, after being
gone two months,

your mom will be happy as
a duck just to see you.

I know she's been gone
a long time, Stevie,

but it just doesn't
feel right to me.

I've always...

been there...

for you.

Please don't do this to me.

Seventh grade...

first dance...

open fly.

All right, fine. But I'm
sick and tired of you

throwing that in my
face all the time.

Save it... for the game.

Come on, Jamie, I
got to get to work.

Eat. You'll stick a
cockroach in your mouth,

and you won't even taste this?

Here, Dewey, you're
good with the baby.

No, I'm not. You're
just saying that.

Aw, you caught me.

Your reward is you get
to feed the baby.

I got to run.

What are you doing with
my high school diary?

I was looking for a baby
book we can use for Jamie.

Turns out we didn't even take
the cellophane off Dewey's.

Malcolm, Reese, get a move on!

What on earth are you doing?

I have to practice
being in a wheelchair.

Oh... I suppose
that makes sense.

You never know. All
it takes is one

horrible accident,
and you end up

in one of those for the
rest of your life.

It's just for basketball.

That's the spirit.

Reese!

What is taking you so long?

Why don't you

just admit it--
nobody in this house

cares about my hair but me!

Let's go! Come on!

Come on, Jamie, just eat it.

It's not that bad.

See?

I don't hate it.

Mmm!

What did the vet say
about Paint Can?

Oh, she's fine.

Just fine.

It's terrible news.

She has acute laminitis
in her hoof.

I'm afraid we will
have to put her down.

You mean kill her?

Uh-huh.

Oh, the poor thing.

Who's going to have to do it?

We will have to do it, Francis.

You're kidding. We
have no choice.

After all,

we are real ranchers.

We must be strong
and determined,

and never shirk from
our responsibilities,

no matter how
unpleasant they may be.

You're going to make me
do this, aren't you?

Otto?

Dewey, get out here or I'm
going to throw your dinner away!

Okay.

This meal looks fantastic, Lois.

Thank you so much
for the invitation.

Well, we figured with Kitty
coming home tomorrow,

you'd like one last chance

to enjoy meat.

You're not going to believe

what happened to me
at school today.

Some girl dropped her diary

into my backpack by mistake.

Do you know whose it is?

No, but it's awesome.

She talks about her
teachers, classes, friends.

It's like a whole world
I never knew existed.

Dig in, Stevie.

That's real butter
pooling on your plate.

Can't eat. Too excited...

about Mom coming home.

I made her... a card.

Baked her a cake.

Wrote her a song.

Stevie, you're going
to black out again.

Can we put up Chinese lanterns?

You bet, son.

Anything you want.

Hal, I wonder if I could
see you for just a moment.

Oh, sure.

Stevie is certainly excited

about his mother
coming home tomorrow.

Kitty isn't on a business trip.

She divorced me two months ago.

She's never coming home.

What? Kitty isn't
on a business trip.

She divorced me two months ago.

She's never coming home.

What?

Kitty isn't on a
business trip...

No, it's not that
kind of "what."

Stevie thinks she's
coming back tomorrow.

I know I should have told him,

but every time I'd
look in his face--

you know me, Hal.

I've always had a
hard time being...

you know... direct.

That was one of my
problems with Kitty.

That, and the utterly mechanical
nature of our sex life.

Look, Stevie has to know that
his mother isn't coming back.

You're absolutely right.

Any way you could tell him?

Why would I tell him?

What's the matter?

Kitty divorced Abe.
She's not coming home.

Oh, my God! What
on earth happened?

The truth is, the
last few years,

she only stayed with
me because of Stevie.

He's always been so
sick and helpless.

The whole marriage was built

around taking care of him.

Oh, I had no idea.

Then, two months ago,

she walked in and announced

that Stevie was finally
doing just fine.

Then she packed her
bags and left.

Now, look, Abe,
I'm really sorry,

but Stevie still has to know.

Abe, you have got
to tell Stevie.

Tell him what?

None of your business.
Get back to the table.

How do I tell that poor boy his
mother is never coming home?

I'll tell him.

I told you to get out of here.

What's going on?

Kitty and Abe got a divorce.

Now, leave us alone.

What?

Abe, you have got to
do the right thing

and go in there now.

What about Malcolm?

Why can't he tell him?

Wouldn't it be more comforting

coming from his best friend?

I said I'd tell him.

Reese, out. Now!

Why should I tell him?

Well, you're not entirely
blameless in this.

What? You're the one
who always pushed him

to try new things-- dances,
ski trips, basketball.

Before he met you,

that boy could hardly
handle a yo-yo.

By what stretch of
the imagination

is this considered

one full serving?

Not now, Dewey.

Abe, we are through talking about this.
Now, go!

Okay, I told him.

What?

He's taking it pretty hard.

Somebody should
probably go over there

and talk to him.

It's really weird.

It's only been three days

since Stevie found
out about him mom,

but he's regressed,
like, ten years.

So, I think we can
beat these guys.

We just can't be afraid

to get physical
under the boards.

Come on, Stevie.

I know you're going
through a hard time,

but we're in the tournament.

This might help take your
mind off of it for a while.

Just talk to me, Stevie.

I know you're not this far gone.

You don't
know anything

about what I am going
through or how I feel.

Now, if you don't mind,
I'd like to conserve

my remaining strength
for breathing.

And stop using that.

You can talk perfectly...

You don't need that thing.

Fine.

If you're not
going to talk to me,

I'm out of here.

This whole growing
up thing's unfair.

When you're born,

everything's perfect,

but before you know
it, it all goes bad.

Every day, you get a
little less attention,

you got to do more stuff.

and they love you a little less.

No. That's just this family.

Reese!

How many time do I
have to tell you,

don't leave your filthy
socks on the kitchen table!

"September 18.
What an aggravating day.

"Some idiot named Hal
streaked our gym class.

"He didn't see the
volleyball net,

"and they ended up carrying
him off in a stretcher.

"And then, at lunch,
"this other guy...

Excuse me.

You want to pick that up?

Why should I?

Because it's trash.

Or are you one of
those charming people

who thinks that's just someone
else's responsibility?

That the rest of us should follow
you around your whole life

and clean up all the little
messes you leave behind?

Let me ask you a question.

Were you, like, born 45?

People like you are the
reason I am moving

to Paris the second I graduate!

Oh, my God!

This girl rocks.

When I tell you to pick
something up, pick it up!

I don't know what to do.

Stevie's just devastated.
Mm-hmm.

I try to talk to him, but
he just shuts me out.

Well, he'll come around.
You'll see, Abe.

Everything will be fine.
Now, come on.

You don't want to be
late for your meeting.

I don't know what's
happening with Jamie.

We're going through
all this baby food,

and he still always
wants to nurse.

Honey, not now.

I'm dealing with a
family thing here.

Now, if you get a little weepy

during your presentation,
do what I do:

spill coffee on yourself
and leave the room.

You're too good to me.

Hal, what exactly are
you doing with Abe?

I've seen you pulling
the yarn balls

off his sweater, and yesterday,

you were massaging his feet.

I know he means a lot to you,

but you can't replace Kitty.

That's ridiculous, Lois.

I'm just being a good friend.

You matter.

Francis?

Yes?

You haven't taken care of
Paint Can yet, have you?

What kind of a question is that?

If I had, would I
be hiding from you?

It's all right, Francis.

It's unfair of me to put
this burden on you.

We will do this thing together.

Just think. We will
be sending her

to a much better place,

with open fields and
cool mountain springs

where she can run all day,

and horses ride people.

Unless, of course, she's
been a bad horse.

Then she will have to spend
eternity in a lake of fire,

with a delicious bale of
hay just out of reach.

Otto, I've never killed
anything bigger than a poodle.

And that was a total accident.

Francis, as hard as it will
be, I know we can do this.

No one said the
cowboy life was easy.

I'll meet you here
at 5:00, after yoga.

Stevie, what are you doing?

I've seen you do wheelies
up and down this ramp.

Why don't you find
yourself another project?

Lloyd looks happy.

Why don't you
destroy his family?

Stevie, I know what your
mom did was horrible,

but you've got to stop
feeling sorry for yourself.

Get mad.

That's what I would do if
my mom walked out on me.

Okay, not my mom.

But the point is, you have
every right to be angry.

You're right.

That's exactly what
I needed to hear.

Thanks very much.

There you go.

This thing sucks at sarcasm.

Fine.

"My mommy left me, and now
I'm a helpless baby."

Well, I'm not going to
let you just sit there

and feel sorry for yourself.

Think fast.

Come on, you're not
that big of a wuss.

You are not in charge
of how big a wuss I am.

I know you can use your arms.
Catch it!

Look at the helpless little
boy in the wheelchair.

Look at the little cripple.

Are you going to cry?

Are you going to cry,
little cripple boy?

Ooh, it's a baby
in a wheelchair.

I might be going down
a bad road here,

but if I stop before
I make my point,

this could look kind of bad.

"I'm a little baby.

"I can't move my legs.
Kick his ass.

Where's my mommy?"

Well, this is interesting.

I now officially qualify
for wheelchair basketball.

Never help anyone.

You've never been
in love, have you?

October 12.

At lunch, J.J. was
telling my fortune.

Wow, "girl" again.

I keep telling you, I'm
only going to have girls.

That's if I have kids at all.

I mean, the whole
suburban mom thing

seems like such a nightmare.

Who is that?

I don't know.

But he's getting to second base,

if I have anything
to say about it.

Whoa.

I just have to figure out a
way to get him to notice me.

I don't think you have
to worry about that.

What do you mean?

Well, you know,

he'll probably do
something you don't like,

and you'll unload on him.

What?!

I don't unload on people.

Honey, I hate to be the
one to tell you this,

but the truth is, everyone
calls you "The Mouth."

The Mouth?

Yeah, but they're just a
bunch of immature jerks.

And the principal, he's
just trying to fit in.

Abe, you're not getting the flu.

It's just your allergies.

Did you take your spray?

Look in your vest pocket.

Uh-huh.

What am I going to do with you?

Can you pat my back?

Thanks.

Here you go, Paint Can.

Got you the biggest, nicest
carrot I could find.

Please, Francis, let
us not drag this out

any longer than we have to.

Okay, let's just do it.

Don't worry, Paint Can.

It will all be over soon.

One quick pull of the trigger,

and we will put an end

to her misery.

Ready...

aim...

fire!

Why didn't you shoot?

Well, you didn't shoot, either.

I wasn't ready.

I'm ready now.

Good. Here we go. Ready...

aim...

fire!

Oh, come on, Francis,
you're being a coward.

Me? You totally chickened out.

All right.

One the count of three,

we both shoot, no matter what.

One...

two...

Bang!

Oh... Come on.

If you're not...

You could have killed me.
Only after you killed me.

You cannot kill a horse,
What's wrong with you?

but you have no
problem killing Otto.

Paint Can?

What's the matter with her?

I think she choked
on the carrot.

Well, I guess no one can say

we're not real ranchers now.

Yeah.

I just hope we don't develop

too much of a taste for killing.

I've been thinking about

picking up Stevie some
of those baggy pants

he's been wanting.

Hal, we've been through this.

All the kids are wearing them.

It's not like he's
joining a gang.

Well, maybe you're right.

You do know best
about these things.

He's lucky to have you, Hal.

Can I get you anything
from the kitchen?

No, I'm fine.

Thanks, honey.

Abe?

Huh?

You just tried to kiss me.

No.

No, that was a lip twitch.

See? There it goes again.

You know what?

I'm glad this happened.

Because it made me
realize something.

Get out.

What?

I can't replace Kitty.

And I'm not doing you
any favors by trying.

But what am I supposed
to do without you?

What am I supposed
to do about Stevie?

I don't have the slightest idea.

But you're his father.

So just get in there.

I know you'll be able
to figure it out.

You can do this.

Now, go.

All right.

Hold on.

Okay.

Mom,

I have a proposal for you.

Now, before you start
poking holes in it,

I'd like you to hear me out.

All I want is no more school

and no more big boy clothes.

I'd liked to be bathed and
rocked before I go to sleep

and have all my food mashed up.

In return, I'll be
adorable and...

Are you wearing a diaper?

I want you to know my
level of commitment.

Oh, my God!

Stevie!

Stevie, where are you, son?
I want to...

Come on.

For God's sake, son,

what are you doing out here?

You're soaking wet.

At last you tell me the
truth about something.

Son, I know you've had
a terrible shock,

and you need your father
to get you through this.

Well, that's not going to happen

because your daddy
is a weak, weak man.

Son, what your mother did
to you was horrible.

And what I did to you
wasn't any better.

I'm sorry.

Keep going.

Stevie, I know your whole life

you've had to face
tremendous adversity.

You've shown more courage

than I've had any
right to expect.

And now you're going to
have to show even more.

I know it's not fair,

but believe me, you can do this.

I've learned to be amazed
when it comes to you.

And if it helps, I promise
I'll always be there.

Frightened and full
of denial, but there.

Let's go... home.

I'll catch... I didn't mean to!

You better... It was a joke!

You're making it worse!
I'm a big boy!

Okay, you drive to the hoop.

When they double-team
you, kick it out to me,

and I'll take the shot.

I'll... take the shot.

I don't... have a mom.

Okay, that's the
third time today

you've played the "mom card."

Get... used to it.

Hey, jackass,

think it's a big joke
to be in a wheelchair?

No, no, no, this
is real, you know.

I was in a... oh!

Ow! Oh!

October 17.

I kept my mouth shut around
Jason for a whole week,

and he asked me out.

I will never go back
to the old me. No!

Something wrong?

Do you think it's right

to totally change who you are

and turn your back on
everything you believe in

just to impress a hot guy?

Burt Reynolds hot or Sting hot?

Forget it.

So then we put
in dual exhaust,

and now the thing just flies.

I got it up to 130 miles
an hour last night.

Mm-hmm.

I like talking to you.

You're a good listener.

So we're all going to
ditch class on Friday.

Dave's dad is out of town.

We're going to borrow
his speedboat.

So do you want to?

Okay, that's got to stop. Huh?

I'm trying to be nice
and not criticize,

but I just have to say that

that is the most filthy,
disgusting habit I've ever seen.

Yes! That's my girl.

Someone's gonna
lean against that

and get it stuck to their
clothes, but do you care?

No, because you're nothing
but a self-absorbed,

inconsiderate slob.

I'm sorry.

Wow.

I love how you're so passionate
about ecology and stuff.

Really?

Yeah.

It's cool.

I could hardly breathe.

I knew he was going to kiss me.

You are so hot.

So are you.

Reese!

I thought I told you
to take out the...

What are you doing
with my old diary?