Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 2, Episode 11 - Old Mrs. Old - full transcript

Look at that.

Ch...

Ch?

Che...

Check?

Check.

M...

Maaa... ate?

Checkmate?

Checkmate! So it is.

See, it just goes
to show you.



Yes, well,
good game, son.

Lois!

Hey, he lets me win
at basketball.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪



♪ Life is unfair. ♪

All right, spin around twice,
hit the ball

on the second bounce.

It's two points
for a car

and three for
a fire hydrant.

It's an out if
they catch it

and two if they hit
you with the ball.

Now, if they miss,
it's a "google,"

which I'll explain
when we get there.

You're up.

It's amazing.

Reese can't pass math,

but he's invented
over, like, 50 games.

Fun games.

Okay, spin!

I got it. I got it.
I got it. I got it.

Not Mrs. Griffin's yard.

There it is.

Dude, she doesn't like
anybody in her yard.

I'll be in and out of there
before she knows it, right?

Just because
she's old and mean

doesn't give her the right
to keep our balls.

I'm sold. Go for it.

Fine, I'll do it.

It's no big deal.

I don't see you moving.

What are you
doing in my yard?

Let go! It's my ball!

My property, my ball!

Who said you could
come into my yard?

Ow! What are you doing?!

Choose, boy!

Hair or ball?!

You broke her arm?

I was getting a ball.

You broke her arm for a ball?

No, I already had the ball,
then I pushed her away.

You pushed her and broke
her arm for a ball?

Was it a special
ball, son?

It was just a flat
old tennis ball.

Sometimes I don't know why
he does the things he does.

At least
she's not suing us.

You just be thankful we have

absolutely nothing of value
in this house.

Count your
blessings, son.

I talked to Mrs. Griffin.

This is what's going to happen.

You are going to go there
every day after school

and help that poor old woman
until her arm heals.

Every day?

Not one word!
Every day.

End of story.

Hello?

Hey, Ma, listen,

did you happen to talk
to Richie's mom recently?

Yeah, as a matter of fact I did.

I ran into her at work
the other day.

Did you happen to talk
about Richie at all?

Oh, that poor woman.

Do you know how much grief

that boy is putting her through?

I told her if she had
a brain in her head,

she'd pack him off to military
school and straighten him out

before he got
into serious trouble.

Okay, thanks.
Got to go.

Well, it wasn't her.

I need a new backpack.

Again? How do you keep
ruining them?
I don't know.

Well, I'm not buying you
another backpack.

You just find something
in the closet.

Okay.

Okay, maybe it's a good thing
that I'm doing this.

I'm not saying
I'm completely to blame,

but in a way I am responsible.

I guess I was trespassing,
and I did hip-check her.

And who knows,
maybe she won't be that bad.

Maybe she'll be like a grandma--

well, not like my grandma--
like a nice grandma.

Hi, I'm Malcolm.

I'm the kid who
broke your arm.

I'm really sorry.

Here, fill this up.

I'm not having any druggies
in my house.

God, she's like
a homeless person,

and this house
is her shopping cart.

Get out of the way,
you damn ugly beast.

What'd you do, stupid?

What?
Does this look like
a rubber band jar to you?

This is a rubber band jar.

Are you ignorant
or just stupid?

Neither.
There's no such thing...

Did you finish
moving my papers?

Almost.

Do you read all these?

What, are you
writing a book?

Just move 'em.

What are you?

What, like how old?

No, what are you?

Polack? Swede?

Apache?

I really don't know.

Uh-huh, a mutt.

Well, whatever you are,
stay away from my liquor.

Look, it's almost 5:00,
I'm going to get going soon.

Really?

I didn't realize my arm stopped
being broken at 5:00.

What am I going to do
for dinner?

Can't you just order take-out?

I'm not giving those Mexicans
my money.

They're as bad

as that Lithuanian
that fixed my screens.

Boy, did he love ice cubes.

Those 'Wanians
and their ice cubes.

I can't believe
how horrible she is.

I'm just going to ignore her.

But you just try
and get those people

to pay for anything.

Oh, he got
his special ice.

I suppose
you're Dutch.

You got eyes like a Dutchman--

real pinny.

You got those
pinny Dutch eyes.

What's that?
My new backpack.

Dewey, that's not a backpack;
that's Mom's purse.

Now, go back and
get something else.
No.

Dewey, you're wearing
an invitation to an ass-kicking.

I like it.
Look... I don't think
you understand.

Kids like me are dreaming
about something like this.

We look around the playground
and we see

normal kid, normal kid,
and a kid with a purse.

Who do you think's
going to get creamed?

Is one of the
normal kids fat?

It doesn't matter!

He's going to be fat
every day.

Now, the kid with the purse,
he might not wear it again.

I don't care.
I like it.

Give me that!
No!

You don't know what these
animals are capable of!

Let go!

I'm trying to protect you!

Richie, what are you doing?

We have inspection.

You can't sleep all morning.

Dude... not cool.

Richie,

this isn't like home.

You can't do whatever you want.

These guys are hard-core.

And also, there are some
crappy flat pillows.

Who do I talk
to about that?

Ten hut!

Stand up.

Pajamas, Cadet?

Sir, I'm sorry for my fellow
cadet's appearance.

He's fresh from civilian life

and is taking a little
time to adjust.

Hey, are you the dude
who hands out the guns?

And you can see

he's very anxious
to assimilate himself

into our military lifestyle.

What's your name, Cadet?

Richie. Pleasure.

Listen closely,
Cadet.

This is not going
to be easy for you.

Your family sent you here

because you couldn't
handle it at home.

Maybe you were coddled.

Well, there is no coddling here.

You make a mistake

and you will be
punished.

Be aware, Cadet,
I am keeping my eye on you.

Good one.

Pardon?

You're keeping
your eye on me.

You know, you got
only one eye.

Like Popeye.

I think it's cool that
you're cool with it.

That's amusing.

I've never heard that before.

Carry on.

Popeye.

Quite amusing.

Is he like our butler
or something?

I can't close my eyes.

Every time I do,
I see what was under that robe

on the inside of my eyelids.

I can't go back there.

Malcolm, why aren't you over
at Mrs. Griffin's?

She said she doesn't
need me anymore.

There's some new medicine.

It's good for
old people's bones.

She has a lot of pride.

I think it bothers her
when I'm over there.

I am so sorry.

That's all right.

I'm sure,
when I was his age,

I wouldn't want
to hang around

with some old person
whose arm I had broken.

You're a mean,
thoughtless little boy.

Trying to make
an old woman

suffer more than
she already has.

Yes, ma'am.

You're a nasty little
liar, aren't you?

Well, liar, you're the one
that's going to suffer

as soon as we pick up
my prescription and get home.

Ooh, damn cast itches
like a Greek sailor.

Stop pawing at me!

Hey, Dewey.

You know what?

I've been thinking.

You know how
I never give you anything

for your birthday?

Yeah...

Well, here.

Happy birthday!

I already have
a backpack.

Not like this one.

See, this one
has a whistle.

Why are you flinching?

I'm giving you
something nice.

But I'm not
going to take it.

Here, just hold it.
No.

Why won't you let me
do something nice?!

I don't want it!

You're going to wear this

and there's nothing
you can do about it!

Dad, you have to do
something about Dewey

taking Mom's purse to school.

Don't worry, son,
it's just a phase.

Aren't you worried about
how this reflects
on you as a parent?

Reese, one boy's purse
is another boy's book bag...

if he's European.

Besides, I can't tell you
how many times

I've been jealous of your mother
and her purse.

You know, we men have
to shove our whole lives

in a little square of leather
that we then have to sit on.

I'm not saying
that I condone it,

but I am saying,
let Dewey have his purse.

Perhaps he'll blaze a trail
for the rest of us.

I don't think these
new pills are working.

I keep taking them

and I don't feel anything.

Don't be stingy
with that lotion.

You're going to need a knife
when you get to the corns.

If I didn't know any better,

I'd say that new doctor
was Hungarian.

Dr. Freeman.

Freeman.

Ha.

If that's not an Ellis Island
hand-me-down,

I'll eat my Sunday hat.

I don't think
you're supposed to take

those pills
with alcohol.

Ooh, now you're worried
about me.

Where was that
when you broke this arm?

You're just like that...

that nosy Kraut
cleaning lady of mine.

Your hands are similar, too.

Small.

Like a girl's.

Okay, that's enough.

You're a horrible person

and I hate you!

I know I'm not supposed
to hate people,

but if anybody should be hated,
it's you!

It's a good thing
you called us.

How long has she
been like this?

Hours.

She passes out for awhile,
wakes up, takes more pills,

and passes out again.

Pernabutol.
What's the dosage?

Hundred milligrams,
two by three.

She taking Fermatram
with that?

I doubt it.

That's been contraindicated
since '87.

No, this seems like a
pretty straightforward
alcohol/sedative reaction.

Absolutely.

If she's anything
like my mom,

Mrs. Griffin will be knocked
loopy

for the next three
and a half hours.

We're completely
unsupervised.

Are you thinking

what I'm thinking?

Is this what you
were thinking?

Not even remotely.

I was thinking more
along the lines of...

Why doesn't he have
to cut his hair?

I don't know.

Why does Spangler let him
wear a bathrobe to class?

I don't know.

Maybe he saved
Spangler's life.

He didn't save
Spangler's life.

Well, it's got to be
something, because
it's just not right.

Richie.

Take a quarter from me.

Thanks, Chief.

No problem, Richie.

You guys talking
about Spangler's son?

He's not Spangler's son.

I grew up with him.
He's a screwup.

He's a slack dumbass
who lives in his
mother's basement.

It's got to be Spangler.

He must be mellowing.

Sir!

Sir!

Cadets.

What's up, Chief?

I've been onto you
from the start.

Not once did you pull
any wool

over this boy's eyes.

You come in here,
put a paper lantern
around a lightbulb

and, lo and behold, you're
the Queen of the Nile.

I say ha!

I've always depended

on the kindness of strangers.

Stella!
Stella!

Whoo! Yeah!

That was great!

What's next?

I have no idea.

We've done everything
we can do in this house.

It can't be over.
Come on, think.

With our brains and
your gift for reckless,
antisocial behavior

there's got to be
something else we can do.

I've never
felt more alive.

We're outlaws. Whoo!

This rocks!

Hey, I think 45 minutes
of rubbing out corns

is worth at least
an hour joyride.

At the best, you ignored us.

At the worst, you tormented us.

Now, the tables have turned.

The Krelboynes are mobile.

Behold our derring-do!

What?

What's going on?

She saw me.
She saw me.

I am so dead.

We're all dead.

I'm not going to get
into a good college.

Mom is going to kill me.

We should just end this.

We should drive off a cliff,
like Thelma and Louise.

Why does everything end in
a group suicide with you?

Okay, okay.
Stop panicking.

Let's all just calm down,
and think about this, okay?

Okay, first of all, I don't
think she saw you guys.

So there's no reason we all
should get in trouble, and...

Guys?

Stevie, want some help?

Pop... the trunk.

Entrez.

Sir, it's about Richie.
Is he all right?

He's more than all
right, he's in heaven.

Don't you think you've been
letting him slide a little?

Yes.
You're letting him
get away with murder.

I certainly am.

Are you aware that he thinks

he's immune to any punishment?

That he can do
whatever he wants?

I am, and he can.

Sir...

are you just messing
with my head?

It's not always
about you, Cadet.

Well, then, what is it?

Francis, I'm not an idiot.

Don't you think that I know
Richie is a moron?

Hell, he is a cancer.

He is a cancer to be eradicated.

If Richie's attitude spread
to the other cadets,

there's no telling
what it would do to Marlin.

What do you mean?
You're treating
him like a god.

And that makes the other
cadets furious, doesn't it?

It makes them want
to hurt him...

to hurt your
little friend?

Wait a minute... you're
turning us against him.

You want us to get rid
of Richie ourselves.

Bravo, Cadet.

You see, every threat to Marlin
must be treated differently.

You, Francis, had to be
beaten down, like a dog.

Richie is being killed
with kindness...

or at least pummeled
into unconsciousness.

Oh, that is pretty clever, sir.

But what makes you think
I won't just tell Richie

about your plan?

Oh, feel free.

But I don't think you will.

He's my best friend.
Why wouldn't I tell him?

Because you hate him, too.

You're resentful
of all the special privileges

that he gets--
the expensive dinners,

the use
of the Academy golf cart...

the way he gets shiatsu massages

when the rest of you
are suffering

through survival training.

That doesn't matter.

Of course I would tell him.

I would be a traitor
if I didn't.

You would be, wouldn't you?

Richie...

No time to talk, man.

Wait, this is important.

Dude, watch it.

This shirt was a
gift from Edwin.

It cost 200 bucks.

Richie, I'm trying
to tell you something.

Well, you'd better
say it quick.

Edwin'll freak if I'm
late for the match.

We've got early dinner
reservations.

You know what?

It can wait.

Fine.

No, wait.

I have to tell you this.

You're my friend,
and I owe it to you.

Spangler is only
being nice to you

so that we all hate you
and beat the snot out of you.

I can't believe it.

I know.

You're jealous of me
and Edwin being buds,

so you're trying to shove
a wedge between us.

That's sad, man.

Just remember
I told you.

Whatever, man.

Sour grapes.

But I told you.

Whatever.

Hey, dudes, cool hoods.

Ow!

Think! Think!

I'm a genius.

I can think of something.

Why can't I think of something?

Where you been,
car thief?

Come back to steal my jewelry?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It was a horrible mistake.

I don't know why I would do
something so stupid,

but I did and I'm sorry.

Oh, my God,
my mom's here.

What am I going to do?

You're a good lady.
You're a good person.

Please, if you have any shred
of decency

you'll give me a five-second
head start

so I can head towards Mexico.

Please, I'm begging you.

You don't know
what she's capable of.

Malcolm, get your things.
We're going home.

I am so sorry
for all of this.

Sorry for what?

My son stole
your car...

and he was out
joyriding in it.

Joyriding?

That was no joyride for me.

I was passed out
in the backseat.

What?

I made a mistake

with my medication,
and he drove me to the hospital.

Huh?

He was driving you
to the hospital?

Yes, who else is
going to do it?

I'm just an old woman.
I live alone.

Malcolm, when there's
an emergency,

you should come to us.

Yeah, you're right.

I don't know
what I was thinking.

Because I
wasn't thinking

and I just did it.

I'm sorry.

And I... yeah.

Well, it was
pretty quick thinking.

He's a good boy.

I don't know what
I would have done
without him.

Thanks.

In fact, he's so kind...

he offered to come
help me before school

every day, too.

Before school?

Really?

I thought that was
too much, too.

Especially since these
old bones heal so slowly...

it'll be months.

But he insisted.

Didn't you?

Yeah.

Ooh, these corns
are burning.

You'd better go
get the lotion.

Well, I'll leave
you to your work.

Guess you won't be
coming home for supper.

And to think, I was all
ready to punish you.

Don't just stand
there, thief.

Let's go.

Hey!

Here's your stupid
backpack back.

What's up with
the flower field?

Hey, Percy, I
love your purse.

It's for his own good.

It's a book bag.

It's a girl's purse.

That makes you a girl.

No, it doesn't.

Are you calling me a liar?

Aah!
Get him!

Nice!